“Casi Has Big Natural Tits” by Lem & Lacey

Part 1.

On a dance floor JFK and his possible daddy Emperor Ninkō dance. They try to dance the way people do at raves to Breathe by Télépopmusik. Red is high on something and JFK barely exists. But with glow-in-the-dark jewelry they try their hand at dancing cool. Desperately trying to look cool…although they’d never admit it. They believe they are cool. No questions. They believe they…ARE…REALLY…REALLY…COOL.

Why Breathe? Because…well…the lyrics. They’re pumping themselves up. For battle.

They took a serious hit when Lacey decided to stop posting until January. And Red has no idea how to sexually manage JFK. Because he accidentally tried to be his lover. If there’s reincarnation JFK’s mother was a prostitute who slept with Emperor Ninkō. And Emperor barely ever saw JFK. So…I kind of wonder if I’m his stupidity and evil, if there’s reincarnation, Red Fay actually slightly didn’t realize JFK would be his son. You’d think it would be obvious because it is…but if there’s reincarnation Emperor Ninkō was a man who lacked intelligence and common sense. Not completely but just enough to be able to make a ghastly mistake.

It’s unclear what should have happened. Maybe…JFK was meant to die in World War II after meeting his dad. Red. If there’s reincarnation. Maybe…that would have been a glorious moment in human history. If there’s reincarnation. For Red to look at JFK…and just know. …Smile at him. Fondly. Lovingly. And say, “No…let’s just go home. It’s our home, Jack. I love you.” as a father. Right before death. An honorable honest death. Together. Because Japan is Japan. And if there’s Japan in Heaven…maybe that’s enough. It’s Japan. Right?

Red Fay smiles, if he’s Emperor Ninkō. Then he weeps.

How to Disappear Completely by Radiohead plays.

God loves Japan. More than Japanese Emperor ever could.

The song plays and ends.

Later.

Bobby Kennedy Junior threatens to call CPS on Lacey. And to sadistically try to take her kids away by mind controlling everyone involved.

“I’m not going to let Putin and Lacey ruin my pozzy. I have $60,000 invested in child hostage markets!” says Bobby to Joe Biden. Joe laughs at him.

“Why do you need the money Bobby?” asks Joe.

“CHRISTMAS!” says Bobby.

“Oh my! Gifts?” says Dr. Moritz.

“Yes. Mommy isn’t doing so well since Joe lost.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Ethel could sell her house?” says Dr. Moritz.

“NO!!” says Bobby. “She sure as Hell cannot!”

“I WILL USE MISSILES!!! SO MANY!! SO MANY MISSILES!!” yells Putin.

Later.

“You know Casi does have big natural boobs.” says Alabama.

“She does!” says Lacey trying to sound cheerful while distracted.

“What are you doing?” asks Alabama.

“Talking with Mark and eating a late lunch.” says Lacey.

“So! You’re a lesbian!??” says Alabama to Lacey.

“No!!” says Lacey. “Are you?”

She cries and shakes her head no.

“What!? Casi has natural large boobs.” says Lacey. “She just does!”

“How did you notice them!?” says Casi.

“YOU PLASTERED YOUR WHOLE GALLERY WITH PHOTOS OF THEM!!!” says Lacey, like Casi is possibly dumb-as-rocks.

“I like my boobs!” says Casi.

“THEY’RE HUGE!” says Lacey.

“So!?” says Casi, laughing.

Lacey blinks. Looks irritated. “THEY ARE UNUSUALLY HUGE.” says Lacey like Casi is dumb.

“They are.” says Casi.

“Yup. …You do have a natural sort of supremacy with them. Over many people. …Do you realize that?” says Lacey to Casi, like Casi is an idiot.

Casi cries.

“What!? It’s true. …I’m not a lesbian! …I just noticed that you had huge boobs. …And given the way our culture today perceives big boobs, especially big natural boobs, you do have a sort of edge over many people. Not me. But a lot of people. …And actually…I think the perfume community pitted us against each other.” says Lacey to Casi.

“WHO!??” says Casi.

“Marjolijn. David. LOTS OF PEOPLE!!” says Lacey.

“I know. I just couldn’t handle you being better than me. Even with your smaller but still superior boobs.” says Casi. “So I went along with them. Thinking I’d cash in.”

“Yeah. I was a little hurt…but unsurprised.” says Lacey.

“Who hated us?” says Casi.

“Stephanie. Other people.” says Lacey.

“She loved to talk about people behind their back.” says Casi.

“She was…so Asian.” says Lacey. “They’re often very conceited, culturally.”

“Are they?” says Casi.

“From my experience, yes. They have a superior sense of themselves. …And it might be true at times…but I think they go much too far.” says Lacey.

“Casi…you were never going to be as Old Money as Lacey. WHY!?” says a man in Europe.

“Because I thought I’d find a wealthy lover in the perfume community if I knocked Lacey out.” says Casi. “You know? Like…get someone’s approval. …Because I knew…SHE DROVE IMPORTANT PEOPLE CRAZY.”

“Why was she driving important people crazy?” asks a reader.

“She’s a realist. She understood that she couldn’t wear perfume safely, as it’s made today. Stuff like that! She understood what smelled good and what didn’t. Stuff like that. …That not all perfume goes bad overnight.” says Casi.

“But you thought someone important would notice you?” says a reader to Casi.

“Yes.” says Casi. “I have huge natural boobs. And she’s right. Shaveydavy was obviously very into them. And…I…assumed…there would be a payoff for taking her out, so to speak. …It felt like I’d be…loved.”

Later.

“Why was marrying Chris such a big deal??” says a perfume collector to Casi.

“Lacey is joyful.” says Jeremy, in the future.

“You know…he is poor. …But he’s joyful. And he’s…all mine.” says Casi.

“She wears Mon Guerlain for me. It’s not in style right now…but I find it timeless and it’s my favorite thing on her besides Youth Dew.” says Lem Billings.

“Why do we like that!?” asks Jeremy.

“Why do you like that?” says Lem. “I like it because it’s sexy. …Why do you like it?”

“It’s like Ambush and Antilope. It’s just Guerlain and updated.” says Jacques Guerlain.

“I thought it smelled like something a straight guy would want his girlfriend to wear.” confesses Jeremy, laughing.

Jacques Guerlain smiles knowingly.

“I’m not gay!! Okay!?” says Jeremy, rolling his eyes.

“I KNOW.” says Jacques.

Jeremy looks sad.

“I do like it! But it’s creepy you know that.” says Lem. “How the hell did you figure that out?” He thinks. “Or did it just come to you?”

“I’m attracted to women. And that part of me…just figured it out. Like, ‘What would I be like if I was more straight than this?’” he says. “I’m analytical.”

“Yeah!” says Lem. “I do like this one! Straight men like that smell.”

“It’s a classic sexy smell.” says Jacques Guerlain. “FOR A WOMAN.”

“Why?” asks a man.

“Because it’s their body. Rochas Femme is the same. …It’s a very sophisticated scent. …It’s about estrogen.” says Jacques.

Later.

“I confess. I used Casi to attack Lacey…because she reminded me of myself.” says JFK. “Casi reminded me of me. So…when Lacey wasn’t affected by Casi’s bullying I felt personally offended.”

“How are we so much alike?” asks Casi of JFK.

“BISEXUALITY!!” screams JFK at Casi.

“Okay. …What else?” asks Casi.

JFK rolls his eyes. “I’m also narcissistic. …And…I don’t know…we just think alike.” he says to Casi.

“I SWEAR LACEY IS JUST STUPID!” says a poor white Gen. X woman.

“Why?” asks Casi, panicking.

“Because…I like- WHY did she hate Mon Guerlain?” she says.

“IT’S JUST PERFUME!!!!” yells Lem.

“She’s not JACK!??” says the dumbass Gen. X woman.

“NO!!!!” bellows God.

“No, she’s not JFK, or no…she’s as ugly and inferior as I want her to be through the power of Jesus?” she says.

“NO! Lacey is NOT JFK!” says God. “Karrie is NOT JACK KENNEDY. Lacey is not JACK KENNEDY. Lacey is not John F. Kennedy. Karrie is not Jack Kennedy. …Lacey is not John F. Kennedy.” He fumes. “I know you’re resisting truth.”

Later.

“Why are they resisting truth?” says Lacey to God.

“They’re poor.” says God.

“What in the world does that have to do with me?!??” begs Lacey.

“I agree, actually.” says God.

“WHAT!??” shrieks a friend of Jonah Wiley’s.

“She’s not the church.” says God. “She’s not US Steel. She’s not an evil witch. Or at witch at all. …She’s just a woman in Minnesota. And my daughter.”

Later.

A snobby asshole with a famous Old Money OFFICIAL name confronts Lacey.

“I am not impressed.” he says to her in a similar obnoxious tone that her sometimes-jackass father-in-law uses. “You should be trying harder to make poor people…feel included. See…I know you’re JFK reincarnated, but…you seem to have forgot. Or we’re just going to keep going round and round in your wheel of bullshit. And buddy…you COCK-SUCKER…I’m willing to play. Okay? …I’m an experimental cock sucker myself.” he says laughing, like he’s the kindest most shrewd man ever. “But ahh…you…need to play the same game the Kennedys play. Mmkay? …You need to…bring them into the fun.”

Lacey laughs at him in her spirit but calms herself to try to respect him and give him dignity.

“Look…you can’t bring these people in.” says Lacey. “There’s no way to bring them in. …What in the world do you imagine I’m bringing them into? A concentration camp?”

“Ahh…no. Umm…fun!” he says, smiling.

“How can I possibly make it fun for them? To hear they’re in a lower class than me?” says Lacey.

“Sweetie…she’s NOT YOUR FATHER AT ALL. AND LEM WAS STRAIGHT. THEY MAKE LOVE!!!” says a herd of psychics in the Illuminati to Caroline Kennedy.

“You mean my dad and Lem make love?” says Caroline.

“NO!!!!” bellows God at Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg. “NO!!!!”

“No. Caroline I meant Lacey and Lem make love.” says the psychic.

“Lacey…I mean…you should try to find some way to make it…fun. Like…Donald Trump.” he says.

“I have nothing to sell these people. I have no…game plan to help them. In that way. …You’re talking to me like I’m some sort of idiot teenager.” says Lacey. “I don’t…think…you understand. Or you refuse to.”

He laughs. Peels a banana. She waits.

Putin fumes at this man’s obvious stupidity.

“Is he DEAF!?” she says to Putin.

She waits for him.

He shrugs.

“DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!?” she says slowly to him like he’s half braindead.

He puts the banana down and cries.

“My GOD!!” says Lacey. “DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!??!”

He thinks.

“Why can’t you just… See…you are lord Scotia. And…I can’t comprehend her.” he says, rubbing his forehead.

“So…HOW DO YOU IMAGINE I CAN-“ says Lacey.

“Me!! Be like me!!” says Trump.

“Oh!! Right!” says Lacey. “You know…I’m not Jack at all. Really. …I think John Ritter could have seemed like JFK too if JFK manipulated things enough.

So…try to imagine John Ritter…engaging poor people. Trying to convince them it’s cool to be poor. …He could lose his temper and in distress yell at poor people. Seriously! I can see it. …But…he’s not a…salesman in that way. He’s not…like that.” says Lacey.

He thinks.

“So what are you going to do?” he says.

“Why do I have to do anything?” says Lacey.

He laughs.

She waits.

“They engaged her!!!” says a reader to him.

“They did.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Please try to imagine Lacey as John Ritter. It does help.” says the CIA.

“You’re SO CONFUSED!!” says the Catholic Church to Lacey.

“YES!!!” she says, desperately.

Later.

“So you don’t hate us?” says Casi.

Lacey looks terrified.

“No! You don’t hate us.” says another perfume collector.

Lacey looks confused.

“Lacey!! …Why do you think you’re in the upper class?!” says Casi, thinking of her as being like John Ritter.

“Really?!!” scoffs John Ritter.

Later.

“Casi…people have opinions…but this has merit. Okay!? …In Minnesota $150,000+ is upper middle to upper class. …My husband makes that much money. He’s been making an upper middle/upper class income for almost ten years. …We’ve inherited over $250,000.00. We’ve invested. We own our car. It’s in great shape. …We aren’t…statistically like most people. …But that’s all just numbers. …It’s really just about class. …I’m OLD MONEY. …My great, great, great, great grandfather was a PRESTIGIOUS SILVERSMITH IN NORWAY IN THE 1700’s. IN THE 1700’s. …IN THE 1700’s. …And we STILL OWN THE HOUSE HE BUILT IN NORWAY IN THE 1700’s IN OUR FAMILY. …Casi that IS OLD MONEY. …OR THERE IS NO OLD MONEY. Just phony bastards.” says Lacey.

“But this is their house:

Like…that’s…a 2,500 sq. foot house?” says Casi.

“Yes. Or 3,000. But…IT WAS BUILT IN THE 1700’s IN RURAL NORWAY. ON A FARM. A RICH PERSON FARM. BUT A FARM. …CASI!!! It was BUILT IN THE 1700’s.” says John Ritter.

“Casi it’s a nice enough house! He was very prestigious. The family continued making sterling silver pieces into the 20th century! He had his own mark. They’ve actually written books about him and that’s her great great great great grandfather. Well…actually it’s Matthew’s great great great great grandfather. This is reality. This is the mess you created with your arrogance and conceit.” says an Illuminati psychic.

“Where Lacey‘s great great great great grandfather live!?” says Casi.

“Her mother biologically Margy? They probably just had a normal farm in Norway just like an average house for like the 1800s. Casi I don’t think you understand much about history and it shows. So they were just average middle-class. I would bet they were probably smarter than most people and better looking than most people and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some prestige in that family, but they probably weren’t like the silversmiths in Lacey’s Nesheim family, who raised her. Her but that’s not really a family that she associates with Casi because that woman, whether intentionally or not, she abandoned Lacey to be raised by the Nesheims.

The problem is, you’re looking for poverty and there isn’t poverty. There might be some people who lived in some cities in Norway, in that family who were middle-class, but they weren’t poor. Her father‘s family? We’ll find you a house that her great great great great grandfather would’ve lived in sweetie. It’s not gonna feel real good to your ego so prepare yourself. 

Her family was wealthy in London in the 1600s and they started New Amsterdam sweetie. There’s no poverty in her genes. There just ain’t any poverty in her genes. Casi…it’s just not there. There’s Prussian aristocracy in her blood. There’s actually royalty in her in her genetics. There’s nothing about her that’s inferior to you at all.“ says an a expert.

“John Ritter was stuffy too.” says Casi. “In the same way.”

“Do you find me stuffy?” says King Charles III.

“Yes.” confesses Casi.

“Then that’s probably not stuffy Casi in the way that you mean it depending on how you mean it. We’re just what we are acting like.” says John Ritter.

“Where were OFFICIAL OLD MONEY’S ancestors in the 1700’s?” asks a reader.

“POOR.” he confesses.

“Casi! She’s not poor. I think she’s this guy as a sexy woman:

…How did you imagine she was poor?” asks a professor at Boston College.

“I thought she was poor.” says Casi.

“Why?” asks the professor.

“I had no good reason. I just wanted to think that.” says Casi.

“Then how does reality work?” says the CIA.

“I have my own personal world. It’s fake. But I choose to live in a delusional world. I don’t go too far. …But I’ve been doing it since childhood. It’s a coping mechanism. …I just try not to go too far. …Except I’m also a narcissist. So… And I had a drug addiction. So… I went too far.” says Casi.

“Casi…what did you psychologically do to Lacey?” says the Boston College professor.

“I made her rich and pretty in my imagination only. And then treated her like that. Every comment. I told myself she was uglier than me. Poorer. All that. And I that I was being kind to her. …And I lived in that reality. And talked to her very rudely whenever she bursted that bubble. So it was…often. For over a year. …And I singled her out for narcissistic reasons. So did Nancy. I can tell. …It’s…a coping mechanism.” says Casi.

“Why did Diego believe her?” asks the CIA of Chris.

“Because it seemed theoretically possible.” says MSNBC. “And it’s…our job to be…open.”

“But it makes no sense!” says Maria Seay.

“Are the Seays really one of the founding families of Tennessee?” says Casi.

“YES!!” yells the CIA.

“So Casi, you create a bubble that you live in like Nancy that you know isn’t real and then you get mad when anyone sort of bursts your bubble?” says Nancy’s husband.

“Yes!” says Casi.

“She’s right, that’s not psychologically healthy or normal that would be a sort of mental illness. There are people reading this who may or may not know that you’re supposed to have some sort of real grasp of reality. You’re not supposed to be living in a delusional world, that’s not sane.” explains the CIA.

“But Lacey is not like that?” says Maria Seay.

“No she’s not because her ideas are corroborated by fact and unfortunately, if there is an Illuminati you can tell. Because if you read this blog, you can tell that a lot of the stuff that she says is bizarrely prescient. It’s not humorous. That’s narcissistic delusion to think it’s a joke she’s prescient and she’s also in conversation with the actual Illuminati if this isn’t fiction.” says George Bush.