“They’re STARVING US!” by Lem and Lacey

After reading yet another warning about salmonella poisoning…this time with cucumbers…Lacey suspects Russia, China and North Korea of covertly trying to kill and starve the US using its food supply. Also psychologically weaken the US.

Carrots…cucumbers…lettuce…pies…and what else? Meat. What else?

“It’s completely normal, Lacey.” jokes Truman Capote.

Lacey sighs.

Later.

“Who cares about an agreement from 1988!? If a nuclear war is going down an agreement from 1988 doesn’t matter!” says Lacey, laughing.

“This person cracks me up! They use all the right language. The exact right tone! But they’re inferences are hilariously half-baked.

‘As Mr. Wright would no doubt be aware-‘. Ha! Wow! That’s showing them!” says Lacey. “She really knows what she’s talking about!”

“And Timothy Wood also has it figured out! My goodness!” says Lacey.

“Oh boy Marco Polo! You KNOW!” says Lacey.

“I highly doubt Putin is after Estonia!” says Lacey, laughing. “And Moldova!? HUNGARY!?”

“It’s the Hitler Precedent, Lacey.” says Lem.

“Oh! Goodness! I forgot the Hitler Precedent.

My goodness…won’t he be busy!?? …Except does he even have the capacity to invade any other countries?” asks Lacey.

“Sweetie nobody asks questions like that anymore.” says Elliott Roosevelt.

Lacey sighs. “I’m not saying he can’t defend himself, but I highly doubt that he wants to get embroiled in another land war over Poland or any other country.” 

“No. He can defend himself but…invading Poland is out of the question.” says Matt Nesheim.

“Yeah!” says Melania Trump.

“He just wants to end the child hostage situation. And put his foot down.

What do the Oreshnik Missiles mean? It’s simple. He’s looking for a way to end the world if necessary. Safely. They’re very deadly. They’re far more lethal than the Rubezh Missiles. …And they’re not just a warning. He’s being tactically shrewd.

I think people focus way too much on the Russian economy. It’s not that simple. He’s tactically brilliant. Vladimir Putin is a tactical genius. I highly doubt the Russian economy will collapse. …They’ve been predicting that for years it seems in the US. And it’s just not going to happen. …I mean I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

And WHY are people SO FUCKING STUPID!??” says Lacey. “HE…IS…NOT…BLUFFING.”

“Yes!!” says an Old Money man in Minnesota near Lake Minnetonka.

“Well…I hope someone publicly says that in the US. Because if they don’t…he’ll have to keep proving himself.” says Lacey.

“TRUE!” says Putin. “I’ll drop a nuclear bomb on Ukraine. Or somewhere very strategic.”

“Like Hiroshima.” says Lacey. “Can you trap them?”

He thinks. “YES!!” he says.

“Yes. Make it legal.” she says, laughing.

He laughs too.

“It’s the rules!” says Lacey.

“Indeed.” says Putin.

“What about the U.S.?” asks Lem.

“YEAH!” says Putin.

“Very possible. Given the military presence in Ukraine without an honest military position being made public. It’s kind of passive aggressive nonsense. ‘We aren’t fighting you. …But we are. Kinda.’ It’s vile. There’s no way to defend yourself with the use such evil ignoble tactics. You have to fight more violently than you would like. …And when you already are upset for moral reasons, in part, it’s profoundly aggravating.” says Vladimir Putin.

“And then they’re denying your mutual reality by insisting you’re being disingenuous in your anger.” says Lacey.

“CRAP!” says Hungary. “SHE’S RIGHT!”

“Where in the US would he nuke?” asks Lem.

Russia thinks.

“HOLD ON!!!! HOLD ON!!!!” yells America. “HOLD ON!!!!!

Are the same people who think Lacey is bluffing about being Old Money the same people who think Putin is bluffing!??” asks America.

“Yes.

They are also the same people who think she’s JFK reincarnated, who think Lem was gay, who think the Midwest is full of ‘mouth-breathers’, that America is the wealthiest nation on earth, who blindly support Israel, who believe Kim Jong Un is a just silly madman, that Casi is a nice bisexual lady who never meant any harm, that Diego is a crazy guy who was too stupid to do anything dangerous, that Bobby Kennedy Junior is ‘a healer’, and that Global Warming is a ‘serious threat.’” says Lem.

“Washington D. C.” says Putin.

“Via what!?” says a DuPont.

“Sneaky. Something sneaky.” says Putin.

“Why Washington D. C..” says the DuPont.

“Because it’s symbolic. …And to be honest…if I could maneuver it just right…I’d be able to make the whole world go along with me. …And that might be the only nuclear bomb used.” says Putin. “Sadly…you’d be surprised.”