Casi drives up in her old red Mercedes. It’s in rough shape. She’s struggling financially. It’s an old car. And it’s not worth more than $5,000.00. At most. And she doesn’t have the money to keep repairing it.
If Jack Kennedy was standing there he’d say, “Hey, Casi!” and talk to her like they were equals. He’d greet her with joy and charm and ease. And knowing. Affirming her on every level. He’d grin and laugh and say, “HOT CAR!” with a Boston accent. Tease her about it. Especially since she’s curvy and likes sexual attention. And she’d adore him.
Lacey’s not Jack Kennedy.
Harold Loeb laughs.
Casi drives up to Lacey. Lacey who stands and watches her every move like a hawk. Analyzing it like she’s in the CIA. Examining every detail. Contextualizing everything. Yes. Or as much as she can think to contextualize. …The state of the auto industry. The color red. Yes…the history of the color red. The history of the color red as used in automobiles. The…history of Mercedes. The fascinating history of the German automotive industry. The use of aerodynamics in motor vehicles. …The etymology of the word car itself. …I’m not…exaggerating. …Lacey told off Dostoyevsky last night for an error in his analysis of humanity and he apologized and she apologized. Sincerely. …Scott Fitzgerald thinks like her too. …He has…a lot of empathy for her. Because they’re not doing that to distance themselves necessarily. They crave love. …They’re just exceptionally intelligent and bored and lonely people. They both were isolated growing-up. And made to feel…distant from other people…due to their mothers. …And they just think alike, for lack of a better way to describe it. …He too instantly analyzes everything. Not…as well as Lacey actually though. She’s Tom’s daughter and she could try to run the world. …Scott gets sidetracked in trying to be charming and he uses his intelligence to be witty and disarming to people. Whereas Lacey sits silently now…rejected too often…and pleasantly analyzes people in some running interval dialogue she has about…a sort of…worldwide government run solely by her. …Where would she place this particular person? On what land? Doing what labor? …What would their health concerns be? What tendency towards migration would they have? How would she accommodate their migratory needs with proper infrastructure? …What diseases would these particular breed of humans be prone to!!? FASCINATING STUFF TO LACEY!
Could she…control the weather? …No. Not using evil. Using good? …What if she can’t!? OH NO! …And possibly that’s where her mind goes into a panic when she’s chatting with people. In her subconscious. THE WEATHER! Damn!!
Jack Kennedy was often connecting with people to get his initial high. As narcissistic people do. But…then…he’d feel uneasy. And his intent to use them, which had always been there, would emerge. Sexually, politically, somehow. He never just loved anyone. He always found some way to use them. To his advantage. Not nicely. No…take advantage of them.
Lacey NEVER has that in mind. She’s not a narcissist. But…this would be her reaction to Casi:
She’d glare at her. No smile. Tired. Suicidal. But at peace in Christ. Exceptionally beautiful. Yes…truly exceptionally beautiful. And given her experience in life Lacey would be delighted to just let Casi smack her in the face with the palm of her hand…on first meeting her…and then respond by peacefully waiting for Casi to walk off…and go on. Lacey’s not attached to revenge. Just Godly justice. …Of course, Lacey would have to secure her angles. Add guards. So to speak. …Ensure her safety. But she’s expecting brutal hate from most living people now. ALWAYS. And Lacey would find it REFRESHING if people would just get at it…and also her when they first meet her instead of pretending to give a shit about her AT ALL. Or almost at all.
Pachelbel “Kanon in D” plays.
Lacey is very similar to Queen Elizabeth II. So…you slap her. Right? …And then you move on. And…Lacey has her tea. Like a normal person. In a decent tea cup. Hot. Not too hot. Milk in first. Then she plays a round of golf. And takes a nap before dinner. Elizabeth completely understands!
Lacey is Tom Banks’s daughter. So perhaps her authentic authority comes from that and the oil? She’s never known. Truly. But people OFTEN stare at her. Maybe because she’s so sexy and beautiful. But they keep staring…and she’s realized they expect her to do something. …Lead? Give them a hug? Cook them dinner? …Babysit their kids? …Run their lives? …But regardless, they often stand idling in a way around her…just waiting. Mindlessly. Waiting. Just…chilling. And it’s completely mindless. Instinct. …And they mindlessly follow her too.
“You have this…feeling of authority.” said a young woman in a college course to Lacey. As an admission. They were in a round table discussion. She was confronting Lacey. …Jack never gave people that feeling. …Lacey had no idea what to say. But Elizabeth had that vibe too. …And no, they’re both human. …It’s genetic but it’s also just them. …And frankly people who so adamantly hate her…lack a certain self-awareness. …You hate Lacey because you EXPECT…better. You expect better from her. WHY!? …She’s perfectly polite. Kind. She’s not doing anything that wrong…even if she’s wrong. Why do you demand more? THAT’S WEIRD!!
So…I’m your rage against her…as you’re unhappy…for real reasons…keep in mind…that you can’t expect Lacey to perfectly read your minds. …Even if she’s Scotia and I’m Constantine…we don’t know everything. We were human. And are. Regardless. …And frankly if there’s reincarnation…you only vaguely understand Ancient Egypt…if you weren’t there. And I doubt your British enough to understand us. And our need for what Americans call “privacy.” …We want to be left alone…in a way. …You know even if there’s no reincarnation Lacey and I would love to have a nice country manor house.
With dust. Fighting off mold. Fighting off colds. …Tending to newly born cattle every spring. Managing servants and farmers employed by us. …Fishing. Hunting. Visiting London every so often. Visiting lots of places. Raising our kids. …Getting on good terms with our servants but also in awe of our friendship with the British Royals. …Answering to righteous authority. …Yes, despite his ignorance or stupidity on the matter of Indians…which I would have argued with him about had I been able…and maybe I did…very briefly…if there’s reincarnation…I respect Sir Winston Churchill. As a man. …And he infamously snubbed JFK. Brutally. Actually. And God bless him for it. …But that’s the kind of man he was. …And we cherish him, especially if there’s reincarnation. He’d have been our…captain, in a sense. And we’d have challenged him. But also taken his advice on occasion.
Anyway, Casi walks up to Lacey…and doesn’t slap her. Because people don’t do that. Not often.
But she indicates she expects Lacey to smile. So Lacey does. Lacey smiles…in a physically painful, deadly way. Because she has to repress an enormous amount of emotions to do so. To please Casi just as she is demanded to please all people who expect a cheerful response to entering a room. And most people do. It’s common courtesy. So…Lacey forces her face into a grin.
Lacey says, “HELLO!” in a bored, tired, totally distant but genuinely caring way. Except her tone is one of cheer and good humor. It’s all subtext what Lacey’s really feeling.
Casi instantly feels ENORMOUSLY superior. Why? Because she’s happy. …And she can read that Lacey is doomed. And so in her narcissism she assumes it’s some hierarchical problem for Lacey. Not something amiss with her soul. Not something tragic brewing in Lacey’s fate in a fallen world. What is fate? A curse? At times. It all stems back to the original fall of man, of course. The original curse. And all curses after are derivations. …But what sort of curse does she have? No…not poverty. No. …Hate. Not dramatically different from racism, actually. Not…dramatically different from the idiocy of a lynching. Hate. …But Lacey is white. …And if there’s reincarnation Scotia sincerely was far more white than you all seem to be able to comprehend. They were white. Essentially. More white than anyone else alive. …But…racists actually hate that. …I think. And so does Lacey. …Because it’s too…liberal…and scary…and…highfalutin…in an old fashioned way. …Because what if all of humanity came from that area of the world? …Right? Scary! …Then maybe we’re ALL slightly Black? *eye-roll* …Or God forbid…Africa was once super elite. Or God forbid…race is real but extremely complex.
…So…Casi demeans Lacey. Is horribly condescending. Gives her a phony compliment that’s also just observable truth. And then Lacey waits for Casi to leave. This frequently happened in her comment section. And it’s one of the reasons why Lacey no longer interacts with people. People took pleasure in smacking Lacey in the face. Out of the blue. In her comments. DAILY. As intimately as they could manage. And it was always obtuse but they tried. They often tried to really hurt her. Really finally fuck…her…up! Wow!
*eye-roll*
So! …You expect us to lead and protect you if there’s reincarnation. I’m EMPEROR CONSTANTINE. Thee EMPEROR CONSTANTINE. …And she’s Scotia. Like Scotia the bank. Nova Scotia? Yeah. Thee Scotia. …Or there’s NO REINCARNATION.
…We can’t help you if you’re constantly trying to lynch us…for being…what? Ancient?
So when your current ancestors were eating poop to avoid starving to death…and trying to have sex with cows…Casi…we were RULING THE WORLD. …We are EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. …I am VASTLY more important than Sir Winston Churchill and JFK combined. If I’m Constantine. And frankly so is she. Caroline Kennedy is a worm historically compared to us. If there’s reincarnation. A laughable joke, as a compliment. The Kennedys…are a joke. At the expense of actual good-hearted poor people. And intelligent poor people. …The dumbest people to ever lead a country of the size and influence of the US. …And yet you LOVE THEM.
You love that Jack is so cheerful. Why? Lacey could be. Really. …I was. …I was…just as warm and friendly and trusting as JFK. But I was sincere. I actually believed in the beauty of humanity in Christ. …I felt that as bad as we are…we could be great. …I had faith. I had hope. …And the Kennedys stole that from me.
Move In Silence by Phantogram plays.
Lacey was never so enchanted by us. She loves us. Like an embattled mother. A good mother. A worried mother. But…she’s always been ready to end it all…and just go live in Heaven. If there’s reincarnation the British love their slice of Heaven on Earth as…they’d love her womb. Fiercely defending every drop of real love…in a brutal, cold, miserable world.
What are you asking for? Because Lacey will literally end the world. She really will. I’m not exaggerating. That’s what you’ve asked her for apparently. To just die and go be okay? As quickly and safely as possible. As painlessly as possible. And she knows God is good. She knows He’s a good doctor and a good counselor. She trusts you all with Him. And she hears constant weeping. Constant wailing. Constant evil that’s too evil. And she knows I didn’t have any defense against Jack…other than death. In some form.
So…explain yourself. Or are you too backwards and sheltered? Waiting for her to “lighten up” as most dumbass “Boomers” always do. She CAN’T. …I could. In a way. …But she’s too smart. She knows you’re capable of GROSS sexual violence. Like letting me think I was attracted to men. And then celebrating it upon my death…for decades. Massacring my family to keep trying to make me feel sexual pleasure you gave me. Because that’s what you worms want? To fuck me? And make me love you? Make me worship you? Just temporarily? That’s what Jack wanted and never got. For me to get off…on his cock while he watched and felt so damn superior. …And then what? Well…he’d tire of me. Look for something else. And watch me commit suicide, he hoped. Like Mary Richardson.
So…why does your brain matter? Are you human at all if that’s what you want from us? No. You’re not fully human. Some of the white “people” who lynched Blacks weren’t as human as you’d think. …What were they? Subhuman? No. …It’s worse. And better. They were…demonically rabid. Rabid humans. Somewhat rabid. Rotted.
Could they be saved? Possibly. But…I’m only human. Regardless of reincarnation. So…keep that in mind. …And while Lacey is sexy…in a way I’m actually not…you went after me…because I’m the man. And you wanted my male power. My seemingly white male sexual adoration of your pussy and cock. Your genitalia. It’s that…pathetic. …And now I look pathetic, even though I wasn’t. And am not. All because you wanted me to think you had nice shit downstairs??? Or what? You wanted me to build you a castle? Or make you a statue? …You wanted to be…a moviestar? Get people staring at your ugly ass??? Adoring you like it’s something genuinely special?
Why? Why do you want that? It’s a lie. And Lacey knows that. …You’re not currently that…sexy. There’s no reason for anyone other than your spouse to desperately want to fuck you…or at least most of you. Not all of you. Some of you are unusually good-looking. But…a lot of people aren’t. And I get the feeling that most people who want the adoration are slightly ugly. Especially naked. Like JFK.
So…why? …Are you en league with Satan? To defile humanity? To molest all of humanity? By forcing us to worship the profane? Even on a subtle sexual level? To adore the ugly? See…you have to stop fooling. What do you want? For people to worship Satan? By lying and then what? Making the lie real? …I was straight. Casi is mildly ugly. Children aren’t sexual in any way we can see like an adult and they aren’t meant to be sexually engaged with at all. …Why does plastic surgery not fix it? Is it possible you wanted to be arousing…before you had anything arousing about your body? To EVERYONE? …Not to be loved…to make perversion reign?
Are you all just profoundly perverted worms? Liking picking out your own shit to feast on…as Satan bites at your brains? No. I’m serious. Whatchu want? For real?
Why do you want JFK’s bullshit? Why do you want that? …It’s BULLSHIT! …Lacey is annoying and she notices you’re too tall Casi and you have an old car. But…she knows in Heaven you don’t care in the best way…or you’re reunited with your perfect body. And new Mercedes. And she’s not sold on a fallen world unless it’s completely redeemed…to the last drop. Satan left in permanent, blissful adoration of Christ. Not leading a choir but bowing…in blissful adoration for GOD. GOD.
I’m not God. And I know that. But…if there’s reincarnation…I was actually a greater man than JFK. And I was lied to. By the US. My whole damn life.
The Suburbs as covered by Mr Little Jeans plays. Because it’s been touched by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
No. I’m not a god. …That being said…Whatchu want?
What…do…you…want? Why…Jack? …I’m NEVER giving you my desire. He never got it. That’s an illusion. That’s a lie. It never happened. IT…NEVER…HAPPENED. …Did you want that? What…did…you NIGGERS…WANT?
Later.
“You didn’t look sad…in the right way. That’s impossible. That’s completely impossible.” says Lacey. “And you told me that.”
She holds Turkish pepper grinders on her lap. Watching snow fall. Wool covering her. No make-up.
“No. It’s impossible. …You can’t make yourself okay with it. It doesn’t work.” says Lacey.
“Why?” says Darren Star.
“Because it’s…not just sadness. It’s excruciating pain.” says Lacey.
“She’s right.” says Mary Richardson.
“Is it like…psychically lethal?” says Darren Star.
Lacey smiles. Laughs. Thinks. “Yes…” she says. “Which is why you either get over them…forever…or you snap. Cry. Weep. And…look for an explanation or get over them.”
“So you can’t get just sad?” he says.
“No. Sex is too intimate. …It’s impossible.” says Lacey. “Lem keeps seeing Jack. And presumably servicing him. …You can’t do that. …Red Fay has the right look. …Red Fay looks sad in the right way. …Lem does not.” says Lacey.
Red Fay cries. Thinking of it. “If we did anything…sexual…I’m still sad.” says Red. “She’s right.”
“Red…what happened?” says Darren.
Red laughs at him. Shakes his head. “Listen…she’s not Jack. …But she was in love with Joe. And I’ve comforted him. Over her. …I don’t appreciate being used.” says Red Fay. “You know what happened!!!”
“Are we retarded?” asks a gay stylist, sincerely about the gay community. He laughs.
“I was in love with Jack.” says Red Fay.
The gay stylist looks at him.
“I was. …And like Lacey with Joe…I thought I might be different.” says Red. “Lacey and I are both quiet…tough people. Tough.”
Japan snickers. Then looks sad.
Michael Rockefeller laughs.
“What!? We didn’t know any better!” says Red. “We were both stoic. …Lem isn’t, actually. I’ve seen him weep over Lacey. Scream. Literally. And she has very little idea. …Jack barely understood Lem. …But both Lacey and I thought maybe…a stoic person…who is…deep and fair…and serious…like us…would bring them around. You know? Make them…fall in love. Be…faithful. …At least some.
When you write about Lemmers…you’re accidentally writing about me…and her. If she’d been there. …We are that. …But…I got married. And she left. …And I almost cried at Jack’s wedding.”
“Why didn’t Jack sexually pose with you?!?” says Darren.
“To hurt me. …To tell me I wasn’t good enough. …I’m not as tall as Lem. Nor as handsome or sexy. …To most people. …And Jack knew I was insecure. And he played into it. …Also…he may have taken me more seriously, in a way. …Jack wouldn’t have given up his family for me. …Or his US Presidency. …But…had I been…Emperor of Japan…he might have. …He’d have sincerely considered it. …I think in the end he’d have decided his own personal glory was the most important thing. Glory through his family. But…he’d not have been sure for a while. …We did make love, once, if gay men can. While he was US President.” says Red Fay.
“Does Lem hurt you?” asks the gay stylist.
“YES!!” says Red. “I’m hurt in a similar way to Lacey. …It’s hard being us. …If there’s reincarnation, it’s like this, you think of yourself, as being kind of ordinary, I do anyway.”
“That’s me. If there’s reincarnation both those pictures are of me.” says Red Fay. “In the second picture I’m looking at Jack with love and longing in my eyes.  If there’s reincarnation, I was in love with his mother and being bisexual I thought he was very charming as an adult when I met him as Jack.  I didn’t realize how much of a heartless golddigger she was, and I didn’t realize that he was betraying me if there’s reincarnation, I didn’t realize he was stabbing me in the back. 
The thing is I was a failure as emperor, I was not respected by my people, and I have been trying to compensate for that possibly ever since if there’s reincarnation. And Lacey is Scotia. She is also extraordinarily serious like me.
Being raised in a royal family as I was as she was as was Queen Elizabeth, affects you; you take things in a way that is extremely serious. I don’t know what better way to describe it clearly; it’s extremely serious. Everything is it is absolutely brutally serious.
I don’t know why Lem doesn’t have that same personality, but Tsar Putin does. If there’s reincarnation, he pisses me off and it’s hard for Lacey to handle too because he’s so fucking joyful and I don’t think people like us if there’s reincarnation get it. Me, Alexei, Lacey, Elizabeth. Lem if there’s reincarnation we don’t understand you. How the Hell are you not more upset all the time about everything? 
We feel grieved about everything. And people like Jack, people in general, don’t enjoy our company and think we’re cold. at times some people respect you and love you in a way that they can’t love most people Putin has experienced that I actually did experience that somewhat as emperor of Japan even though I was a failure, Lacey experiences that sometimes in a way. But then you feel responsible for everyone’s misery and happiness. Because you are! And there’s nothing you can do. It’s the most helpless painful experience, but people experience it when they have that sort of power over other people, and they grew-up watching it in their own parents.
With us was so hard for us. You have comforted me by crying over Lacey because I can tell that you’re not heartless. Lem it’s giving me more empathy for you and made me like you better because I realize that you’re capable of being sad; you’re not just constantly in a good mood for no damn good reason at all. And at any rate I am sad that you’re sad, but I have to be honest with you. God has used your misery to comfort me.
As a man as someone who has been bisexual, who is a failure as emperor if there’s been incarnation it’s nice to see you cry because it reminds me that I’m not a woman. And I’m not incapable. At Jack’s wedding I was miserable and I didn’t think that you would be happy but you were. And much like how Lacey has felt at times in life I felt if it’s excruciating loneliness. Because nobody there understood me I was smart enough to be bye see you know what I am. I was bisexual. I was smart enough to be with women because they knew like she would’ve too, that you can’t just take things for granted. So I would’ve you know what I did have a wife and that was helpful or girlfriends you know, but that was helpful to have somebody to go home to or someone to call so that I wouldn’t just shoot myself in the face. Because that’s humiliating as a person as a man to let someone get the best of you in that way to sort of say I can’t take it. I know she’s she thinks like that but she’s a woman and part of that is because she was raised without a mother and at least one life if not to if there’s read in Carnation, I don’t think Nefertiti is her mother but anyway, if there’s reading Carnation, I doubt it But anyway yeah and then who is her mother now it’s unclear so I don’t think her femininity and falling apart and crying has ever been rewarded. It’s something where it’s been. She’s been told to be quiet to stop crying and be strong her whole life as a woman not even as a man as a woman as a straight, feminine woman at that she’s been told to stop crying basically repair incident literally say that, but that was how they treated her and that’s how societies treated her she’s never been allowed or rewarded for falling apart and Mark her husband certainly doesn’t reward her for falling apart if anything he punishes her for it so she can’t cry and that’s where the air hunger comes from. People are doing something to her in the illuminati, and I my words will have to be added it later, the dead are tormenting. Her demons are tormenting her with air hunger but her air hunger does come from repressed emotions to some degree and there’s not much she can do so I relate to that I do I have empathy for that because I am it’s very hard as a woman not to be allowed to cry, and as a man, I’ve been told the same and I took some comfort and not crying in front of everyone at Jack’s wedding as a man I felt tough I don’t think she feels any sort of reward for being that tough because there is no societal reward and she’s a straight feminine woman, so it’s like well you know him Maybe in a very British 19 century way 19th century way she takes some sort of stoic pride but I know pride is complicated because it’s pride in a godly sense but possibly on her part and mine potentially to add times. At least it’s kind of like no we’re tough. Thank you very much and I am, but but but but she didn’t have the same reward as I had so I was somewhat rewarded for being stoic at his wedding, but boy it was hard lamb, because I actually was in love with it I actually was bisexual I really fell for him, so if you’re looking for what lamb should have looked like and didn’t look at my face Because that’s what he should’ve looked like I look sad in the exact right way lamb looks somewhat sad or somewhat angry and he might have been frustrated and angry and sad but it’s not in the right way. There is a specific kind of pain that comes from being romantically sexually rejected in the way that I was and he would’ve been him, it’s not just ordinary sadness it’s not just ordinary anger in the anger doesn’t function without the sadness and there’s none of that there. There’s no sadness in him him in the right way there just isn’t in any of the pictures and some of the pictures he’s so happy that I don’t think, I don’t think it makes any sense all right do you think he was ever attracted to bed? I knew he wasn’t entirely, but I couldn’t quite place it in then I did I said as much they never seemed outright gay they seem neutral I think I was trying to figure out if he was like me or if it was something completely different but no I was not saying he was gay. I was trying to say he didn’t seem outright gay, which is literally what I said.
Him anyway I didn’t seem outright gay myself, and I wasn’t. I was bisexual and jacked up. It was sort of tantalizing. I guess that I was capable of being with women like him and then having a secret, saucy, sexy, hot love life with men on the side, he thought that was really scandalous and exciting, and it’s not to heterosexuals at all but that’s because you’re heterosexual he didn’t realize that he did not fully realize at least fully. I don’t think that that’s not actually exciting to straight people because there’s nothing to be excited about. It’s just gross to them but to me, it wasn’t to a lot of his other friends. It wasn’t either because he was friends with a lot of bisexual people probably because he was himself, he didn’t have very many gay friends. I don’t even know if he had any lamb wasn’t one of them he wasn’t. I’m sorry he may have had one or two but I think Jack stayed away from actual gay man out of homophobic hatred or self hatred or something or possibly fear that they would demand some thing from him that he wouldn’t know how to handle And I think he was worried possibly Nolan might disagree with us but I think he might’ve been worried that one of them would kill themselves and then they would be gossip and it would be outed. He would be outed as a homosexual but I’m not so sure love might be right he might’ve won of that And then just it just never happened because he was too chicken to actually be with a man who is gay be with him it was a bisexual, seemed safe to him, because he knew that given society at the time I would probably runoff and be with a woman, and there is some comfort to him, and that being with a gay man who is actually gay not just thought they were like lime or no I think it was scary to him. I don’t think he knew what he was going to do because then what if they don’t run off you know, and and there was a trick that Jack played with men he get involved with men he would be very emotionally vulnerable in a way that he wasn’t with women, but it was based on the premise that they would never be affected the same way, so it’s like lamb was strays, and in the bisexuals grew capable of being with a woman, so they would just be with lemon or be like lemon not be affected I don’t think they were any other men like them, but I wouldn’t rule it Out And so then he was able to see him vulnerable with us in a way that he wasn’t with women and people noticed that but then it’s like you were expected to not sense. Take it seriously because of the times so it’s like oh yeah I’m vulnerable with red and with worm but Then, at the end of the day, so to speak, it’s always understood that will be with women will marry women they’ll marry women they’ll end up with women most likely or you know it’s like you can’t take this too seriously like I’m taking it seriously and being vulnerable but you can’t take the whole thing. Seriously, if that makes any sense so he be vulnerable with us, but then the whole concept itself was not to be taken seriously so it’s like yeah well I’ll be vulnerable with his man open up to them physically and emotionally but then at the end of the day no it’s not a serious thing. Umm…thing with One he didn’t, he didn’t think it through Jack was really not as smart as he will think he was. 
And he thought that he had it made with lime, but he didn’t lamb was straight and so I think he thought that he figured something out or found just the right sort of people or that somehow he worked it out I I think he thought somehow he was very clever Because he had Lem’s who didn’t care who was gay him, or was choosing to be gay or some thing and then he had me and it was understood or I was clear about it that we were going to get married women and then it was just for fun so to speak or for kicks and giggles so to speak And so it’s like there’s men like me who were bisexual who just be like oh no this isn’t serious and then there was lame who wasn’t even attracted to men at all anyway, he really did. I think he thought he had. Do you know the cat by its tail that he really figured it out Because then he was intimate with us and away that he wasn’t with women, but then there was no repercussion. You know there was no consequence. He got away with it, so to speak of being vulnerable with us without having to commit or or be vulnerable in any real way so he could be vulnerable in his emotions and cry or laugh or be silly and act vulnerable And in a sense be Bonable, but then there was this overarching, lack of vulnerability and accountability and with lamb no, he kept lemon his life he did he gave me a room in the White House. He was his best friend, right arm I’m not sure that lot was really Jack’s best friend but that was possibly some thing. Let even expected people who really knew what was happening to suit that when he said being Jack’s best friend, that he was either hinting at some thing else, or that he was sort of describing something that wasn’t really him real that was sort of nebulous in a toxic bizarre way. So I am so basically on he did let lemon you know giving him a room sort of keeping him like a wife but you know at the same time when was straight so then you have to ask yourself what did that mean and what it meant was that at Jack’s wedding long wasn’t sad it’s really not in the right way. He wasn’t crying. Certainly not the right way. He was happy for the couple he dance with Jackie. He was cheerful and it was real. It wasn’t fake And if there’s anything fake about it is certainly wasn’t fake in the right way yeah and so yeah if you can be like well know that he really gave them intimacy know he sure as fuck didn’t but in a sense he did it’s complicated which is why Jack felt so sophisticated because it is complicated but really, it’s more convoluted than complicated Because it doesn’t make sense it’s like how does this make sense to Jack where it’s like he’s vulnerable and he’s keeping them like a wife but then Lem’s never really jealous or in love really in the right way.
So the net that intimacy never happens there there is no intimacy between them is it’s on it’s not existent it doesn’t exist. Because he’s not really capable of being in love with Jack, like I was or like an actual gay man OK man would be and so he’s not in love with him him, but then Jack is giving him a room in the White House and sort of keeping him around in this way, like you would with a mistress But there’s no intimacy and love isn’t thinking of himself as mistress. He’s thinking of himself as like a gay husband in a world that’s messed up or some thing and Jack is thinking of himself as I don’t know what but I don’t think he thought that there was a problem with the fact that Landon never asked for anything from him in a sexual way am I think I may have wanted to experiment at the very beginning slightly but lame really didn’t ask for anything sincerely and that was part of Jack assumed it was so lovely about lamb because and there’s cooperating evidence to suggest that slums supposedly told somebody that they never did anything other than him servicing Jack I mean people of actually said that that’s not just Lacey coming up with shit and I am so sick of you people insulting her intelligence that way it’s repulsive. So no he he really wasn’t. He really wasn’t looking for a real intimacy. Oh so lame didn’t understand real intimacy I mean you’re assuming he did and I don’t know why he would assume that who would’ve showed up showing him that peoples parents didn’t show them that and they still don’t really it wouldn’t have been in television it wouldn’t have been in books he may have had some sense of it but it’s not some thing that you just know necessarily and so it’s like he might be able to have sensed it and figured it out if he allowed himself to be with women, but he wasn’t allowing himself to do that, so then how was he supposed to ever figure that out what sexual emotional intimacy was so it’s like that that is some thing you have is a woman he probably thought, and with the man him you might, but not not quite in the same way, even though you know, homosexual couples do experience that with each other he didn’t experience that if he didn’t miss it, OK and Jack wasn’t looking for it so lame thought he was in this sort of sexless marriage with Jack, essentially the sort of sexless loveless marriage And he really did think that that sounds like why would you go along with that and he didn’t completely he dated other men and Jack got jealous, and lamb was slightly aware of that, but not completely but he was aware I think he was aware, but I think he just didn’t quite entirely get it, and so why would you stay in that because that was modeled to him his parents were in love, but I mean there was also this duty People were like that back then, so why would you stay in that because lotta people dead that was decidedly expected and so I think he thought that it’s like oh yeah well you know it’s you know just what life is like you know you you hook up with someone when you’re a teenager and then you know you take it seriously and then you kind of just end up married to them is the rest of your life um whether you like them that much or not you you know you just sort of end up with that person and why would he have been bored by Jack? Well things aren’t quite that simple. How about that so it’s like yeah he did get bored with Jack he got very bored, but then what was he supposed to do I mean during World War II he blew them off and stop talking to him for a while. Sincerely, he just stop talking to him. He just blew mouth and Jack that one was dead but that was and it wasn’t because of me or anybody else he just literally was trying to sort of and things I think he got tired of the whole thing But then it’s like he’s sick of the whole thing he is trying to MoveOn then Jack comes back OK it’s not things are that simple so he blows them off and get sick of them. He loves them off he gets sick of him he thinks I don’t want to keep talking to this asshole And then lame or Jack rather being hurt by that and you know obsessive and actually the one who’s really feeling something not lame, obsessively hunt slim down and actually does stock one. I mean he did he stocks, lame, asking his mother where is he? what happened to him? I mean Jack didn’t just ask his mother he went around asking a lot of people he was obsessive and in that moment it comes out, but historians never figure it out. I never seem to ever figure it out, but he lame does try to blow jack off in that moment and it doesn’t work because Jack just stocks him And then is just like obsessively trying to hang out with him and that’s the thing you know it’s him then what are you supposed to do? This guy comes from a billionaires family. He actually may have threatened love his life and said if you ever tell him, you wanna know if you ever stop being my friend I’ll kill you It’s possible JP even said that to him like if you ever leave this family if or if your loyalty to us ever is questioned, I might just have to kill you and your family. He may have actually said something like that to him him so that’s the thing what was them supposed to do And I am sure that I’m more than one occasion he thought about killing Jack or killing himself, so yeah but then it’s like well I could kill this man but maybe that’s not necessary you know maybe I can just try to be with him because I think he could just be in love with me, or some thing and It’s not that bad or something so see it’s like no lame. Try to just work with the situation but then why did Jack want that with him because Jack was a dysfunctional narcissist Jack wanted to be with them because he felt something for him but he didn’t want any sort of accountability or intimacy , and then that’s were lame being like it’s fine I don’t care go be with you know 15 other people was exactly what lamb was exactly what Jack wanted and arm Jack was happy to be with someone who just didn’t care, and it really never occurred to Jack how dumb the whole thing was until he started getting older until he was in the White House around that age he began to realize that lamb was bizarrely on interested in sex with him but before then he never really had it figured out, he didn’t really know and he just wasn’t a problem. He just never thought about it and that way it just didn’t seem like a problem to him. He just thought that he’d you know figured something out that he really figured something out because he could he could have fun and him all that but you know When was the gay one not him and he was just looking for some fun to end it out maybe he would’ve acknowledged himself slightly that he had feelings for lamb but then there’s some humiliation in that for a narcissist and so it’s like no cause they lack a sense of self so then it’s like oh yeah, I guess I could feel something for him but then that means that I have needs and then I need lamb and I need or I need a man is and that’s not something that he would’ve wanted to admit so then what was he supposed to do right him so then yeah there was a problem and he went totally unnoticed. No one noticed no one in the family noticed no one watching noticed that much I mean we kind of notice, but not not enough I mean really not enough. We should’ve realized that that that there was something horrifically wrong with the situation and that it wasn’t really possible for Lem’s to be with Jack and definitely but we didn’t. We didn’t realize that the people who were watching Jack who should’ve realized that the whole situation was Far too screwed up to make sense and then and then Jack got shot because he was just too alienating to people with his narcissism. Obviously, he alienated Fidel Castro by trying to kill him on more than one occasion, but he alienated a lot of people and yeah, he almost cause nuclear war. I know people just got sick of Jack. They just got completely sick of him and then they decided to shoot him him so but yes, I was in that I was in love I was in love with him and him and I I thought well things never worked out between us and but maybe in a different time in a different place they would have or something stupid like that.” says Red Fay.
“ hi I am Anna I am I am not a man of extremes. People have misunderstood me. I think they think that I’m sort of all or nothing or some thing and I’m not. i’m not stupid either really I think more than anything. I’m a very private person and so I don’t discuss things with with people and I don’t realize what’s going on and I’ve always had the good fortune of being loved. I’ll say whether it’s by an uncle or aunt or a grandparent or a parent I’ve been loved, and so I kind of have this mentality of I was gonna say sort of an endurance where it’s like you just endure and you don’t really complain if things don’t work out in life the way like you that you thought that they would well that’s just life Que sera sera so you you just don’t worry about it so it’s like well that’s life right and then there’s someone like Lacey and red and Queen Elizabeth that throws them into panic mode because they realize that there’s something horribly a mess and I would just like to point out that if there’s reincarnation Faust to literally slept with my son. What does that mean? Fuester cheated on me with my son. If there’s reincarnation, and I loved my son, I wasn’t in love with her that much, if at all but I married her if there’s reincarnation, I did marry her. I wasn’t in love with her, but I was married to her and I was trying to be married to her, and then she ran off with my son. That would never happen to Lacey in 1 million years that wouldn’t happen to read Fais as much as I don’t know if there’s reincarnation what exactly was going on with Jack and him. It was very complicated and I’m not sure Jack is his son anyway I think that might’ve been some thing that red felt like he should say, but that wasn’t even true And then I don’t think that would’ve happened to Elizabeth that would never have happened to a lot of people like Alex say if there’s ring, and there might not be reincarnation but let’s just say there is that’s not something that would ever happen to those people they would never make that mistake that they would. Their kids might surprise them and scare them, but they would never have a child in that situation because they would notice stuff and it would bother them And it’s not that I’m obtuse. I’m very emotionally aware person Lacey understands I think or she will regardless of whether or not there’s reincarnation, but I don’t eight I tend to just think now that everything‘s gonna work out but I just I kind of. Oh wow how do I explain this I don’t realize the seriousness maybe of certain emotional situations until they blow up in my face I’m not stupid though I mean I was a holy Roman empire who was fairly successful, but then that happened to me at the same time and I had her killed him but that’s the thing is it so it was a brutal yes it’s not as if I don’t care it’s just that I I don’t understand the seriousness of the situation Potentially it away almost until it’s too late at times and if there is reincarnation, that was what happen with Lacey and I I didn’t realize how serious it would be to leave her without me I didn’t realize the seriousness of certain things, and then I died him I like it it’s not that I’m stupid, though at least you can trust her self with me. She really can a but it’s it’s it’s some thing where it’s like it and maybe there isn’t reincarnation but if there is no I I really was very laid-back. I was very cheerful and I was very friendly and I just thought no this is fine. This is just ordinary marriage it’s not like how it would be with a woman it’s not like I will be with a woman at all but you know that’s fine it’s just homosexuality and I’m fine there’s something wrong with me and in the same way that I always have to wear glasses and I always will have a hard time breathing, I’ll never be as happy as someone who is totally healthy who can marry a woman, so I have to be at peace with that and just enjoy whatever I can do you know enjoy my room in the White House and then as I aged, I began to realize that that was stupid because it wasn’t working and I was getting progressively more miserable in my fake homosexual life and I just don’t know I was I was getting progressively more miserable and then Jack died and I just wanted to die and people don’t understand that I was already depressed, but then when he died, it was like what why am I even here there’s no point of being here I’ve never gonna be happy there’s nothing left him a add what would’ve happened if Jack hadn’t died to be honest, I would’ve gotten into drugs anyway in the late 60s but it would’ve been different it would’ve obviously been because of Jack’s death. It would’ve been because of my life and people would’ve just assumed that there was something really wrong with me, because there was no I wasn’t. I wasn’t in love with Jack. I was straight and I was really messed up so so in the late 60s I would’ve started using drugs experimenting just to avoid the miserable life that I have carved out for myself and probably by the 70s in that case with Jack alive. I would’ve ended up dead so if he hadn’t died. I actually would’ve ended up dead of an overdose in the early 70s people still might’ve thought I was gay and just messed up. Oh and people might’ve thought that I was sad because he cheated on me because people are so fucking determined to make me gay but actually that’s not true it and I mean hello good morning no I was straight but in this scenario of him living, I still would’ve ended up using drugs, and I actually would’ve just died. I did not die of a broken heart like some people have thought no I died because I was miserable because I had a miserable life and my family knew that I don’t know if they still do hopefully they do but I I I mean it’s I can always tell it people know because I can’t read peoples minds. Guy can show me things better than he can show living people but I can I’m not like a mind reader now, because of that so yeah I would’ve ended up getting into heroin and cocaine in the late 60s and then in the 70s. I would’ve overdosed if Jack had died I would’ve ended up dead by 19 7273. I would’ve ended up dead. I would’ve probably been somewhere. I don’t know on some sofa somewhere to party maybe in a car maybe in my house probably of heroin or something I would’ve just gone too far with it and started getting careless and just ended up dead probably just wanting to be on heroin all the time Not really wanting to ever be sober and just wanting to die essentially not because I was wanting to be high, but because I just didn’t, I wouldn’t have wanted to be sober because I hated Jack before he died. I was starting to really hate him. I thought I hated him, but I started to really hate him And then if he lived, I would have cared if he killed me but I would’ve still been worried about my family so I would’ve thought well worst-case scenario I overdose there’s not much you can do because it’s basically like committing suicide. There’s not much she can do and then my family is safe because no one‘s ever going to think anything they’ll just think I was a drug addict And I’ll just end up dead and why would I have done that if Jack died if Jack was alive if Jack was alive by the early 70s I would have been dead I died in the early 80s I would have died 10 years earlier if he hadn’t died.
So basically, I was straight I was miserable and it wasn’t really there wasn’t a cause-and-effect relationship with Jack’s death just because there’s a seeming correlation does it mean there’s a causation those are two different things just because there seems to be some correlation with Jack’s death in my intense depression, doesn’t mean that his death caused the intense depression. And people thinking I was happy before he died, goes to show how stupid people are. I was an alcoholic before he died, and I was overweight.
So no if he hadn’t died, I would’ve just ended up killing myself, but he died so I ended up dead 10 years later and everyone thinks that I killed my self because he died and no that’s not why I killed myself. No, that’s not why I was miserable in the way that you think the very least. I was miserable because he died, but that’s not really why it was miserable.
And maybe there is it reincarnation but I don’t wanna call it a weakness because I want Lacey to feel safe with me and I actually am a safe person but I just I just didn’t think it was that. How do I say it that I thought it was serious But I just didn’t. I didn’t take it. I just well I just thought it was fine. I just thought it was fine. I thought it was life. I know I did get kind of a kick out of the fact that they were so wealthy. But not not in a way that made up for everything else it’s like oh that’s exciting you know him you can have fun with it. I had a boss ones who was intrigued by Byam by a jack and Bobby because he didn’t he didn’t realize who they were and this is before he was president they came to visit and I talk about that in an interview I talked about how my boss Didn’t know who he was. But that I mean that’s me trying to enjoy my life right that’s me try to enjoy my privilege. That’s me getting a kick out of things but that’s not. That’s not really that’s not really me having some great life you know that’s not and yeah I’m not sure else to say it. It’s I’m not an idiot I’m really not But I just it it just didn’t. I was gonna say I just didn’t get it but that’s not quite to say to put it but I don’t know how else to say it 888 I just didn’t get it if there is reincarnation and there might not be, but if there is, I had to leave her to go fight in the war I had to she was worried to let me go and I I took that seriously but you know I didn’t take it seriously enough because I, I just assumed if there is reincarnation and there might not be but I just assume that I will die, or that if I did, it would all work out, somehow She was alive for about a month to two months after I died and then I I actually helped kill her. She got very drunk and I arrange the situation if there’s reincarnation for her to be hit by a car because I couldn’t stand it anymore she was miserable without me , if there’s reincarnation and I just didn’t, she was willing to die and I just our kids were dead and I thought the stupid just let her come to the other side and she did if there’s reincarnation says it’s not a song as if I don’t care, I’m not stupid really I’m really not if there’s ring carnation Alexis is laughing at me but I’m really not It might be a like say he’s laughing at me but I’m really not. I’m really not stupid I’m really not it’s not that I didn’t take her seriously enough I did I took her seriously it’s just I don’t know how to describe it but it’s just it’s like I took her seriously but I just didn’t. I didn’t realize what it was and if I had known what she doesn’t realize is if there is reincarnation, I would’ve probably taken her and left that sounds like a terrible thing for a British person to say When we were extremely in love, really and extraordinarily in love, if there’s reincarnation, and there might not be, but if there is, we were extraordinarily in love, and my love for her and her love for me was more important than the fate of the Empire or she would’ve tried to come with me if that didn’t seem right, then she would’ve just come came with me. Literally we didn’t have children she would’ve just wanted to come with me if there’s reincarnations she would’ve she would’ve just come to the front lines with me and possibly died and I would’ve had to pay people and bribe them to let her be there but she would’ve done it and I would’ve done it too but you don’t know you don’t want your beautiful, fragile wife on the front lines with you or or maybe there’s not reincarnation, but you know that’s of a beautiful part of my personality, and it’s part of her personality to do some degree but I am more That than she is. I am more of that than she is. I am more of an optimistic, cheerful person will say for now, and so I tend to get sucker punched because I’m minding my own business, being cheerful, and then something sneaks up on me, and I end up dead from a heroin overdose in 1973 or dead from a heroin overdose the day before Jack’s birthday, 1981.” says Lem.
“ that is understandable but I just want you to understand it’s still hard for a slut because we kind of know that about you and then how are you still men? You’re with her she’s yours I understand that I respect Scott or I’m trying to, but I don’t. I don’t think you’ve understood this sheet or if you have I’m trying to clarify it for other people she doubts you because she doesn’t want that authority. She doesn’t want that person that position of anticipating things. And part of the reason why she has such low tolerance for it is because of her personality in the 20th century and I understand whether there’s reincarnation or not I get it it’s not considered feminine love. It’s not considered cute it’s not considered pretty it’s I think there are some people who intriguingly enough, especially in the Middle East, who might consider it sort of actually sort of feminine and sexy, which is interesting, that those men tend to be more Middle Eastern Black men might think she was crazy Asian men unfortunately might be rather misogynistic about her seriousness or think that she is concerning but I don’t know why, but then maybe there’s not reincarnation but I happen to know that it’s not that it’s just it’s her personality. I’m like that too Yeah and it’s hard for us that because we’ve been very hurt by people Jack, Joe people like you seemingly who are very cheerful and we know you’re going to get kicked in the ass or taken advantage of or that you could. Casi is actually one of those people and it’s like oh so you’ve had a fortune to avoid being totally throttled off a cliff you you’ve just never experienced life and you don’t know any better or you’re so stupid that you’re able to be happy and really enjoy relationships and enjoy the moment at and just you know, laugh and make jokes and get drunk well, your whole fucking life is going down the drain Lacey and I are not like that. Sometimes we get caught off guard at Hertz but we usually anticipated it at least somewhat or we hit it. Actually it’s like it’s not quite like that with it is different and no I mean people don’t know that I was in love with him it should be obvious they don’t notice that I was sad at his wedding that you weren’t and actually if I’m being real with myself, it actually is still painful to me because no one‘s recognized my relationship with him and Ella at affords me a certain sort of privacy and for its privacy for my family, and I like that But what I don’t appreciate is the fact that my humanity and my bisexual experience, I’ll say to appeal to people who are liberal, because whether there’s homosexuality in heaven or not, it is an earthly experience so my bisexual experience is lost to people they have no clue that I am the real enchilada that I am the real person not you, and that my pain was real that my experience was real. I even wrote a book about it Know it just goes over everyone’s head and that actually is painful to me. I mean I understand I avoided it I got married I was masculine people thought I was just straight but I wasn’t and it should be kind of obvious that I was it I feel very unnoticed I feel very misunderstood and if anyone deserves the grave stone that’s on your grave it’s Jackie but I don’t think she even loves them that way. I think it would be funny and most appropriate to put it on his own grave. I think I think the person who’s grave it should really probably be on actually is his And it would be highly. It will be fine. It be funny to leave it as Kayla more in Billings because I think that’s what he wanted to be in a sense supposed to be one with you to have you know call me by your name, so to speak I think that would be perfect with that movie with what actually happened what is happening I think it would be very hilarious to take your gravestone. Kayla boy in Billings true love, never dies or whatever the hell it says, and put it on Jack’s grave in Arlington cemetery. Him he’s not play Lemoyne Billings nor will he ever beat. He’s Jack Kennedy but I think I I think those of us that know it’s bullshit but that know that that’s what he really would’ve wanted it would make sense, but then people might get confused and think that it’s a thing and that he actually is one with you and he’s not Him but but to patronize Jack and the same time try to empathize with him, tease him about his narcissism. It would be hilarious to take that and put it on his grave. You know the seashells, and all that would work with Cape Cod you want said he was happiest at his families house in Cape Cod and I think he actually might’ve been so again the whole nautical theme Reference to his narcissism and yet you know maybe there is someone that you love maybe it was you or maybe it really is just the Seay you know him yeah it’s it’s all clear, but it would be a far more fitting thing to do for the western society, so I am a yeah but but it’s hard. It is hard for us. It’s hard for me it’s hard for her because it’s not some thing that people tolerate especially now especially in the 20th 21st century people don’t they treat it like it’s obnoxious to be that serious and it’s just hard. It’s hard for me. It was hard for me. It’s hard for Lacey and that’s just some insight to give you that is part of how Michael got in bed with her, that is part of her. Michael got in bed with her a lot because he didn’t understand that part of her personality that intense seriousness of Louis does to Louis was also a very serious person so was Harold lope. They understand her seriousness, sweetie they understand how incredibly excruciatingly serious she actually is And it’s the how hard it is as a woman to be that way and I just I hope that you understand it. I hope that you are prepared for that because she doesn’t even know whether not you love that she’s not sure if she drives you crazy or if you tolerate it or if you actually like it because I wouldn’t necessarily assume I went to assume that either I would know I appreciate it and other people, you know I’ve actually come onto her slightly because I like that and people I like when people are so intense and serious I like that a lot of people are like that but but that’s the thing if you’re not like that yourself it’s like you think does this person really want that for me with the other gonna get bored by me? Are they going to have a hard time with me Because a lot of people find it offensive and are annoyed by it it’s not cute so you know you don’t make jokes you don’t giggle and laugh and get blushed in your face and that’s part of why Jacquees was posing you by the way, even if you didn’t understand it, and he was taking advantage of your innocence in a sense as a person that’s part of how he got away with it you know cause you’re not ditzy it’s that you’re this trusting cool guy you know you can laugh if you had known you were straight she would’ve thought you were a prick because you were both you came from a nice family. Your father wasn’t running the mafia but you weren’t jewish I think she might’ve assumed lame that you were kind of an asshole. Because you’re just so privileged and then you’re so laid-back and chill and you know people can flirt with you and you don’t even notice and then you kind of do but not really and you’re tall and your bus and you’re handsome and your giggling, and you’re blushing but it’s because you’re actually warm and you’re a big buff guy not because you’re attracted in girls from up with you because you seem like you’re interested but really you’re just a cheerful jolly man who likes to laugh and men fall in love with you, because you’re so cute and charming and it’s the same thing. And Lacey knows that you could fall in love with people and then it would be kind of hard to know how serious you were until you were really clear I know that too. At and there’s it’s a beautiful way to be it’s been very celebrated Marcia Brady was like that the actress might not happen, but the character was like that Marcia Brady is the epitome of that sort of person and you are the male straight version of that. So it’s charming it’s disarming and it’s very hard to read but then that’s what pisses Lacey and I off is that it’s like you didn’t realize that you were Marcia Brady or you did realize that, but then you never realize that people were madly in love with you? I mean, did you know that he was in love with you and you just didn’t care that you weren’t really in love with him or did you not really realize that?” says Red.
“ I didn’t realize that I didn’t fully realize that he actually wasn’t that in love with me, but I mean I hear you he wasn’t away he wasn’t away and away he was in the way he wasn’t at all if there was a part of me that knew that I wasn’t feeling what he was feeling for me I just assumed that I just assumed that it was sort of how things went that you know you could get into a relationship with someone is sort of in love with you in a way, but not really you know it’s like they’re in love with you, but not really, they sleep with other people they’re not really in love with you, but if they are a little bit well then I guess and I guess arm that’s just how it goes. I might’ve thought he was sort of like a stupid woman who was capable of being in love with her husband, but at the same time wasn’t really fully in love with him and was kind of more or less just a jerk kind of an sort of a an old old cow because it’s like well. You know she’s a dime a dozen but she’s my responsibility. So it’s like yeah he is. It was my responsibility and you know I would try to be there for him and sort of do for him and I don’t mean that as a euphemism I just mean you know BBB there for him but it was never like I was going to be madly in love with him now is so I had a sort of patronizing misogynistic relationship with Jack or I was the husband and he was the idiot woman who I could easily replace, but I was too decent to do it.
Oh, but that would be in my subconscious most likely if that even existed because I didn’t I really don’t think I knew that I don’t think I realize that he was actually feeling something for me that I wasn’t feeling for him. I just didn’t recognize it and if I did it all it was just like well you know in a sense he’s my charity case husband And I’m just a nice guy who’s trying to do my bed so to speak I could have fun with a lot of people did we have fun together no more than I had with my siblings or a lot of other people I was a fun loving person he really wasn’t special to me at all. I’m sorry Brad, but he wasn’t, but no I didn’t know I’d I really don’t think I I didn’t. I didn’t know. I didn’t know I didn’t know I didn’t know I really don’t think I knew.” says Lem.
“ I don’t think that irritates Lacey the way that irritates me is that might’ve been what Piskor LL Garverdale off so much because I I think we picked up on the fact that you didn’t really have that figured out if you didn’t or we just didn’t think you cared and no, we weren’t fooled by you telling everyone it was his birthday or fighting over him because we were capable of being attracted to men and so we knew what it was supposed to really look like just from our own perspective and there might’ve been some jealousy involved on our parts, but I think not necessarily it’s more just like how does Marsha Brady not realize that the jerk who’s cheating on her is still in love with her it’s like yeah she has another guy who’s nerdy will say who’s Jewish will make them here although essentially who’s rich and it’s like they’re secretly together and they’re secretly together so it’s not like it’s understandable because she has another boyfriend and so it’s like OK she does have another boyfriend but at the same time lame how does Marsha Brady not understand that will call him Fred that Fred is like madly, I wouldn’t say madly in love with her, but he is in love with her even if it’s just narcissistic and stupid and he can’t be faithful and he doesn’t actually treat her well and it actually doesn’t love her because he’s dysfunctional he still I don’t know how to describe it it’s very complex it’s like he doesn’t really love her she can’t trust him oh yeah she can’t trust him because it’s narcissism and yeah he’s just mean he’s mean to her but it’s like even how do I say this even an ugly woman who knows she’s ugly who wears lipstick will say, and our generation people live by right now, but I get it. Lacey instantly knows what I mean a woman who knows she’s homely who knows that she’s not the bell of the ball puts on lipstick curls. Her hair puts on a nice dress and goes to the school Dance just trying to look pretty and it’s like she’s trying. Do you know even though she’s not the homecoming queen and she has no expectation of being that Jack had no expectation and a dysfunctional wave ever being a real lover daddy buddy because he wasn’t capable of that, but he didn’t have that kind of love for people. It was never like that it was never deep, but it was like in his own I want to I almost want to say retarded way in his DAZN way, and think God that woman could be loved and love, even though she wasn’t particularly attractive poor Jack wasn’t really able to, but in his own sort of way in his own retarded way he was trying I think with people which is how I was able to be in any sort of serious relationship at all with him because I didn’t trust him I got hurt by him, but I knew that there was something there for me even if it wasn’t something that I could really enjoy I and I may be realize that more over the years but it’s like well he had some feeling that was so much special and if you handle a narcissist, what do you want it to be with me or not? I don’t know maybe maybe not but we didn’t have that, but he had some thing for me and it’s like you know do you care that that woman is trying that she’s trying to look at attractive that she’s trying to enjoy the fact that she’s a woman and an adult do you care or not? It’s very hard for me to believe that you never noticed that he actually was Smith invite you never a little bit at least you never noticed that?” says Red.
“ what exactly made you think that?” says Lem.
“ it well it almost is stupid but it’s kind of like him and he he would maybe laugh a little harder when you tease him then when I teased him or he might be a little more smiley when you showed up them and other people dead, you never noticed any of that?” says Red.
“ I did I didn’t notice that but I I thought I was gay OK so I actually might’ve misunderstood his personality instead of realizing that he was in love with me because I didn’t think I didn’t think I was an unusual game at. I didn’t think that my homosexuality was markedly different than anyone else’s, no really, I thought maybe I was slightly less sexual than some men but certainly not certainly not a certainly not certainly not that much different different maybe but not that different and not really it’s like well no, you know you want to be with people, but sexually I guess but not you know that much actually I didn’t at all but I would’ve thought it wasn’t that much because I didn’t wanna think I was you know sexless, so I just thought well if I’m not feeling it, then he must not be either. It’s like if I were to smile and laugh at what a man says more than some people it would mean anything so it’s like, I would never indicate to a man actual interest in that way like I acted I might do that to try to seem gay or flirt, but I would never do that involuntarily because I actually was feeling something I’m still a man oh I don’t think men can fill those things for each other and I would probably never get to be really smiley or laugh more with a woman that I was interested in that’s not really me I am frankly more straight and masculine than that you could you couldn’t get me to giggle or laugh or smile if you were a woman to show interest in that wouldn’t mean that I was interested I am more manly than that that’s just not how I show interest laughing and smiling and fighting over someone in that way actually, I don’t really know fighting over someone it at me really isn’t a masculine thing to do and I wouldn’t do that for a woman or a man I I mean I’m not that’s just not me so fighting over someone laughing, smiling flirting with them in that feminine sort of way is not something that I would ever do if I was sincerely interested in and that was how Jack always expressed it and when he did things in another way, if you ever did, I did not notice necessarily him or I would’ve just assumed it was him being weird I just I wouldn’t have taken it seriously it just never occurred to me it is and if it did, I am saying I’m covering my bases because this is I am a ghost saying that I just thought it was no big deal but if I did notice snow it’s like out if I didn’t notice it and knows because I just didn’t think it was a thing I just did I just didn’t think that was a homosexual were why did I think he was like that with me him oh, possibly that he was trying to value our friendship or value our relationship like he was humoring me in a sense that he was a sensitive, caring deep person who really thought things through at times and just thought no you know I’m not really gay or if I am, I should try to sort of engage with him in this homosexual way. If I didn’t have a homosexual desires for him at all and I really just thought oh no, you know him he’s trying to be gay and he is he is gay, but oh well you know so it’s like he’s trying to be gay he is gay. He’s trying to flirt with me you know And that I was side is my reflection of his personality not that he was actually feeling something for me just sort of preemptively why did I think that he was gay? The same reason that I was because he could be touched and affected him he did seem to want to do stuff more than I did, oh but no I might’ve just assumed that it wasn’t me. I might’ve assumed that it wasn’t me that he was thinking of a woman and that I was there or that somehow there is some explanation for it. I never realized that he was getting interested just because of me And he he did say he was tense. You know he had tensions and I thought well yeah I have those two for women but then if you can enjoy your not being touched by a man at all physically then you’re gay and and so then he must be gay like me. He doesn’t realize that that’s how you know you know it was does this do some thing for you physically and I didn’t realize that he was actually just longing for me because I never long for him. I don’t. I didn’t realize that was a thing believe it or not. I didn’t realize I seriously may not have realized that that was homosexual he worked. I mean it’s like desiring your husband I just assumed that men were faking it. I didn’t realize from pornography, or anything else that was actual real desire that they were having for another man I really never realize that until I got older, and then I was after I was straight that I realize that sincerely I never put those two things together. I never realized That men were feeling what I felt for a woman for another man. I didn’t think that was necessarily homosexual. We were OK that’s not strictly true I think I thought so men might experience that um but but I didn’t think that was how homosexuality worked necessarily or what the basis of it was and I actually didn’t think That that was
I have said that I worried I was asexual, and that is true I did, but it wasn’t necessarily quite like that and right now we’re very distracted, and we’re being attacked with this line of questioning partially by people who are determined to believe I was bisexual or gay and I wasn’t him so we’ll have to come back to this later.
Later.
Alright. Let me remind you that on details like this she can potentially mishear what I’m saying. I’m a ghost. God clarifies. As He’s allowing it. And she’s in daily prayer over it all.
…I was straight. …Did I feel asexual? …Yes. But I also didn’t. …So…I didn’t get aroused…by men…but I assumed…mostly…that I was just…normal. A normal gay man. …And…it was more my lack of desire that…worried me. …Like could a man get hard just looking at men? …Mm…no. Not…most gay men? So…maybe some gay men? Maybe some gay men could. But…I didn’t…think…all gay men were like that. …I thought the hallmark of homosexuality was being physically aroused by male touch.” says Lem. “So…
But Jack and other men wanted sex. They wanted it. With me. And other men. …And I never did. So…that worried me. …But I divorced that from getting physically aroused. So…psychologically wanting it…didn’t mean instantly being aroused.” He thinks. “Which is mostly nonsense. But I didn’t know that.”
Later.
“So…if you were a Gen. X guy and I’m playing your role…what happens with Pamela Anderson?” says Peter.
“It’s a completely different show.” says Lem.
“So you genuinely thought gay was just…how your body responded to male sexual touch?” says a gay actor.
“Yes. …I never realized it was so simple. I oversimplified it. And the opposite.” says Lem.
“And you didn’t believe bisexuality was real?” he says.
“Not really.” says Lem. “I mean yes…but…not honorable. And…maybe not even a real thing.” says Lem.
“How did you pick who you would date?!?” asks another gay man.
“Ahh…whether or not I liked their personality. And cleanliness. But more personality. …Which really was just friendship. But I didn’t know that. I assumed it was inherently sexual.” says Lem. “I mean…it’s like Jack is grinning with me. And I’m…just thinking it’s friendship. I mean that’s what I really thought. But…I didn’t realize it. …I assumed we had a friendship…but…it was obviously a marriage. Of sorts too. …It was both. But…more a friendship. That was…essentially a marriage.” says Lem.
“Did you have gay male friends!?” says a gay man.
“Not many. Not real friends. …I had a lot of gay male acquaintances. And I knew a lot of gay men. But real friends? No.” says Lem.
“So you’re one of the straight men?” says a straight man.
“I was. Yes.” says Lem. “And am.”
“Why weren’t you worried you were attracted to beds? Or…pants?” says a gay man.
“Because those are inanimate objects.” says Lem.
“So…Jackie…wasn’t curvy enough?” says a gay man.
“For me? No. …I liked her somewhat. But…no. …I just ruined my life. …Thing is…Jack was very controlling.” says Lem.
“Why does Jack say to drop it again?” says a reader.
“He didn’t want to ‘overthink it.’ …So…basically he wasn’t being serious. …He didn’t want to discuss it. But…when he got drunk…he’d expect me to service him. Even though we weren’t to ever talk about it again. …And while he said he wasn’t like that…he expected me to give him oral sex late at night…when I was ready to fall asleep. …He’d explain it away when confronted by saying, ‘Oh it’s just nerves! I’m just tense. …You know!’ Or something line that. But he’d demand it. Forcefully. With the looming threat of violence.” says Lem.
“And he did that?” says a reader.
“Yes! …He’d often make empty promises and empty threats.” says Lem. “People have taken him far too seriously.”
“Did you ever…tell him to stop?” asks Ashton.
“Yes.” says Lem.
“What did he say?” asks a woman.
“He’d get cold as ice. Go silent. And start being physically violent. Putting his hands around my throat, threatening to choke me to death if I didn’t put out. He felt it was…my job as a gay man. But really…he was just a monster. …Kind of like a Nazi. Like a Nazi from the film Schindler’s List. …He’d just…coldly demand it.” says Lem.
“We assumed you forced yourself on to him.” says a gay man.
“I know. …That is disturbing. But it also makes me laugh.” says Lem. *He laughs* “How do you square that image of him with the popular idea of him? Or really of him at all?”
“So you and Lacey have no real lives?” he says instead.
“We’re us. We existed. We love our kids. …We love each other. We love God as His children. …But no. Not really. …I had a family. That’s it.” says Lem. “Other than being myself.”
“So…what do you mean?” asks a gay man.
“Yeah. Ahh…
*Lem laughs.*
Well…what are you thinking happened? I said, ‘Jack! I need you!’ ?” says Lem.
“YES!” yells Kevin Spacey.
“Okay. I didn’t. But then what? …He says what!?” says Lem.
Kevin Spacey laughs.
“‘Lem! We can’t!’” says Darren.
“Okay. …And then I just seduce him? Physically?” says Lem.
“Yes???” says a gay man.
“Okay. …But then I’ve conquered him.” says Lem. “And even as a narcissist…that would mean he’d have to act a certain way.”
They all think.
“Because I’m the aggressor.” says Lem.
They think.
“At what point does he go back to being himself?” says Lem.
A dead Irish-American man from Saint Paul laughs.
“What personality did you imagine him secretly having?” says Lem.
“Uh oh.” says someone.
“No! What personality do you think he had!?” says Lem.
Later.
“Lacey…is happiness possible without love?” asks Darren Star.
“NO!” says Lacey. “Ivana was wrong. Diana was right. And it’s scary how many people don’t know that.” She thinks. “It’s psychologically impossible. You have to be loved by someone. Sincerely. In a non-need fashion. Even a neighbor. A co-worker. Someone. …Otherwise you’ll…die. Early. Or something. …I think it might be…scary on an energy level. But-“
“She’s right. It creates a sort of energy crisis.” says God.
“Love is real. …People do fall in love. Lots of people. …It’s common.” says Lacey.
“You’re right.” says Ivana.
“So!?” says Lem.
“He’s mushy?” says a gay man.
“But how does that seem possible?” says Lem.
They think.
“How does he have a real mushy side?” says Lem.
“In light of how he hurt women?” says Darren Star.
“Yes.” says Lem.
“And he didn’t give a shit after Jackie had her miscarriage of their daughter. He was cheating on her when it happened.” says the FBI.
“I may have sort of been there. Sort of not. …He was cold as ice to me when he’d go on those excursions. …And I…encouraged them…although not to spite Jackie. …And on that occasion…I felt suicidal. Because…I held myself partially responsible for the miscarriage. I felt she was too stressed. …I hated that he cheated. …I hated him. I genuinely hated him. But…he was my responsibility. In a way. And…there was no way out. He didn’t relent. …I didn’t pursue him and he relented. …He might have been cold. And then agreed to be my friend again. But…it was manipulation. Like he yelled at me…and then I apologized…and then he used that to control me thereafter. And he coupled that with death threats. …I did however feel responsible for him and…I didn’t want to give him oral sex…so I found distractions. In the form of women. And encouraged him to hang/out with men who would take the focus off me.
This is all accurate. Or close. …And I guarantee you…I can explain anything you bring up. Because I’m Lem. And…if I don’t have a quick answer…I’ll think about it. Regardless I was straight.
Mushy? No. There’s no way.” says Lem. “Where did the mushy go?”
“Yeah…a mushy man…would have sent her dozens of roses. Red. And bought her a diamond watch.
But stayed with his chicks. He’s a narcissist. Even if he’s mushy.
What would he have said? ‘Give her my love!!! I will return soon!’” says a dead gay writer.
“He doesn’t seem mushy. To be honest.” says the CIA about JFK.
“And I have to be honest…he probably did rape people. So…patterns of abuse??? …This is probably Lem.” says a Boomer feminist.
“Did he ever say he loved you at all?!” says a gay man to Lem.
“No! …He acted…as if he did. But…I didn’t realize it.” says Lem.
“Why…if Lacey shows up…do you suddenly not care?” says a gay man.
“Desire. …She’s my idea of perfection. Truly. …So…her attraction to me…which I would sense…because I’d be attracted to her…regardless thinking I’m gay…so I’d notice she was giving me back something. In response. I’d feel it. And…that would…intoxicate me. …I’d be…fascinated. …I’d stop acting as gay around her. My voice would have been deeper. More my own voice, really. …Kind of like being drunk. Or high. And…I’d have well…felt she was able to understand. …And I’d have…reasoned…that my feelings for her were stronger than most anyone else could ever arouse in me, if anyone. Not anyone…actually. …So…if she was interested…I should.
Lacey is unusual. …She’s able to attract extremely handsome or rich men. Both. …But she’s always had the average man regret her. And in our generation they’d have noticed her…but…she’s not actually easy. And…they’d have given her attention…but not…dates. …In Minneapolis she’d have had…two boyfriends. Both not all that serious. Not really. …And then she’d have met Elliott in Hollywood. Or…Louis at a party. Or Harold. Or Michael through friends. …Or Joe. And somehow God would have allowed us to meet. …He’s guaranteed me that. …But she wasn’t born.” says Lem.
“Lem…how did no other woman-“ says NBC.
“She’s HOT. …She’s like Diana Dors! Do you think those women were everywhere!? No! …And then she’s unusually sweet and deep and intelligent. And…we’re actually what you’d call twin flames. I was NOT Jack’s soulmate. Nor twin flame. Or what have you. …I’m that rare for her and she’s that rare for me. …I mean come on! A hot woman who goes for a sexually confused, bespectacled, asthmatic guy? …I was hot…it seems. But…women with figures like a Playboy model were not…often…in awe of me. And especially for deep reasons.” says Lem.
“So your character on And Just Like That is utter nonsense?” says NBC.
“Yes! But you didn’t know that! …And your opinion is what mattered to us. Because…you’re the Illuminati, right? And you’ve been obsessed with her and her family for over a decade.” says Lem. “Or close to it.”
“Why are you all so damn fascinated?” says a reader.
“Because she psychically found us. …And just started interacting. Telepathically. At like…scary awareness levels. And it scared people like Erin and Chris. And Diego found it…useful? …Because that’s actually not common. She has a creepy amount of psychic ability to talk to beings. Dead people. Us. We suspect some animals can hear her. …God. Satan. Mollock!? It’s…actually kind of unusual. …And then there’s the oil. And she’s unusually pretty and deep. And…she was involved in some politics. Like actual politics. Not just what you hear about in college. …And yet…so many people have underestimated her. …I mean she wanted to study POLAND. …POLAND. …And…I KNOW it was because of what’s happening right now in Ukraine. …Her geopolitical sense of things is…STAGGERING. …There are professionals who have 1/4 the insight she has. And she’s never even graduated from college. …She’s…BRILLIANT. And…even if you don’t like her…it’s comforting to just talk to her. …Because she automatically knows. INSTANTLY. …And it’s…just…nice.” says a man.
“Does she seem like your mom?” asks a reader.
Someone laughs.
“Possibly.” says someone.
“Yeah. She’s like…Illuminati mom. …She instantly knows. Gives you perspective. You can be mean. She answers. Genuinely cares. Worries about you. …That sounds very maternal.” says a reader.
“Or even grandma.” says another reader.
“William shouldn’t…exaggerate?” says Lacey.
“You’re right.” says Meghan.
“She’s prettier than that.” says Lacey.
“Yup!” says Meghan.
“Well…I hope they’re okay.” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Elizabeth.
“Who did you like for my character?” asks Sarah of Lacey.
Lacey shocks herself. “A handsome Jew?” she says.
“They weren’t often on the show!” says Joy.
“No. …I just think…a handsome, Jewish, intelligent, sensitive…professor? From a wealthy family? …Or…another businessman? Maybe…- No! A professor.” says Lacey.
“Handsome?” she says.
“Yes! Dark. Curly hair. Glasses. …Like your actual husband. But…maybe a little more obviously Jewish. If he even is. …Sorry. I can’t recall. …And he’d be on his second marriage too.” says Lacey.
“Is Carrie too flaky for that?” she says.
“I don’t think so. …That’s not how I see her. I think she’s…restless? Deep. …Maybe a perfectionist.” says Lacey.
Later.
“How long do we have?” asks Kate Shaw Hayes of Lacey.
Lacey thinks. “Ten years. We could push 30. …Dramatic reduction in fossil fuels? …We’d actually possibly be completely okay. Eventually. …Maybe some small portion of humanity will remain for another thousand years. Or more! But I’m talking about a dramatic reduction in the size of humanity. Like…5 million people.” says Lacey.
“Ten years!” says a Liberal.
“Yeah??? …I mean…it’s building on itself. If you’re not starting these fires…you’re not getting scared enough. …It’s THE END. …But…maybe there are some things that make it worse. Or faster. Ahh…something has to be done though.” says Lacey.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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