“Don’t” by Lem

This blog is…off-the-rails. Lacey will edit it. But…her plan to edit it keeps being delayed. I’m to blame for it in part.

Time of the Assassins by Charlotte Gainsbourg plays.

What happened?

Well…

The song plays.

If I had been a Gen. X dude…I’d have become suicidal at age 16 and told my parents. …And they’d have hired a psychologist who would have helped me realize I wasn’t gay as I feared I was. And…I’d have cautiously started dating someone female in college. And had she been Lacey…or had the next serious girlfriend been Lacey…I would have been…an extremely happy man. Well-adjusted and completely healthy. …But that’s not what happened. As you know. Or will know the more you read this blog.

Do I really look homosexual?! No.

Look!!

That man looks straight. …I wasn’t faking being straight. I had no reason to do that. I had posed in homosexual poses for decades by then. …LOOK AT HIM!?

I’m actually trying to look gay here and it’s not working because I’m high. Not noticeably. But I was a little. I was a very serious drug user…with little hope. Not because I was gay. Because I was straight. And I had Herpes from JFK…and…I had prior knowledge of his death. And…I had a horrific past. …Very few women could have seriously dated me. …I’m not a liar. How was I supposed to open-up to them? And I already had hesitation with marrying women anyway…because I didn’t want to ruin them.

“I’m fine! …If there’s an Illuminati…Aubrey is pestering Lacey to ask if I’m okay. …I am. …I’m just…dead. And to be honest I wasn’t expecting death to be so…deathlike. …I feel…less…troubled…but…wow I’m dead.

Aubrey, I’m sorry. I want to say otherwise…but I can’t. I wasn’t expecting you to care so much. …I’m sorry.” says Jeff.

“I’m surprised God is letting me talk to him. I’m really not into being a medium. But…I feel okay sharing that. I think he found me.” says Lacey.

“What if there’s no Illuminati?” says Lem (me).

“Then I guess we’re talking to her spirit. And I hope she hears us. I feel bad.” says Jeff.

“Well anyway.” says Lacey.

“I’m sorry Aubrey that’s it for now. She really isn’t a medium. But…it seems he really wanted to share that…and God said yes.” says Lem.

“I’m MAD AT YOU!!” says Aubrey.

“As you should be.” he says.

Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones plays.

“If there’s an Illuminati…Lacey and Lem have suffered excruciating emotional and psychological pain for almost a decade now. …And…I had no intention for her to have the life she does. It’s a very serious situation.

And this song makes her laugh.

She actually isn’t practicing necromancy. …She’s so close to death…she hears the dead and sometimes almost sees them. I’m not a legalistic God. I’m not a sinner. But…I understand what’s going on better than she does and I know she can’t help but feel pained when people like Jeff Baena almost manifest in her basement near her washing machine to tell her they’re feeling SORRY FOR HER. That…they’re dead and sad…because death is so EXTREMELY SERIOUS…but…they also are amazed by my love for them that they only faintly understood before death.” says Jesus.

“I’m not 100% convinced that’s Jesus. But I also am not at all ready to say it isn’t or…that I shouldn’t take it as seriously as if it is.” says Lacey.

Osama Bin Laden laughs. “I’m not in Heaven. Don’t worry!” he says, cryptically.

“Are you planning to blow-up her family on a plane?” asks the CIA.

“YES.” says Osama Bin Laden.

“Huh.

But only if God okays it?” says Donald Trump.

“CORRECT!” says Osama Bin Laden.

“You’re SERIOUS.” says President Trump.

“Yes.

Look…if I arranged the crash…using your own Illuminati methods…to confuse the pilots…and the air traffic controllers…Nolan had nothing to do with it. …I’m a PRO. …And I’m extremely experienced with the airspace over DC.” says Osama Bin Laden. “And yes! I made sure everyone was prepared to die. Believe it or not. …IF I arranged it…I checked. Everyone who died was tragic…but…they could afford, in a sense, to exit earlier than expected.”

“Are you SURE!?” says an American woman in the Illuminati.

He silently nods. “Did I even do it!? …What do you think?”

She rolls her eyes.

“He probably did know what he was doing. …If this is him. And he’s allowed by God. …To be honest.” says Donald Trump. “It’s all something God can work out regardless. I’m saying that as a Christian. Not because I don’t care! …I’ve just learned the importance of trusting God.”

“Do you want to die!?” jokes a reader.

“Do I want to die!?” says President Trump. He thinks. “Yeah!” he says laughing. “But it isn’t time yet! …And I would miss my family! …And right now I need to be US President.”

“Are you playing with the supernatural?” asks a Christian woman reading this blog, of Lacey.

“NO!!” says Lem. “No!! …Look…for all intents and purposes I’m her husband. …Her legal husband is also her husband, however, in a sense. …Because he’s a very decent, hardworking, intelligent, honest…and…honorable man. …Their marriage is just…

Well, it’s not worth discussing here.

You know…she’s alive and I’m dead. And…that’s just how it is. …And I want her to have a decent life. But…

Let’s see…how do I explain.

*He exhales with his head tilted back in thought. His heavy shoulders fall slightly. He opens his mouth, intensely stares, and then blinks as a thought seems to come to him.*

Do I look gay!?

Do I!?

“No!” says Jeff Baena.

“No.” says Osama Bin Laden.

“Interesting friends!!” says Aubrey Plaza.

Jeff laughs.

I wasn’t. …I genuinely wasn’t gay.

“Is this serious to you!?” says the Christian woman to Lacey.

“Yes??” says Lacey confused.

She laughs.

Lacey looks confused.

“She’s being serious.” says Lem.

“Then why is she laughing?” says the woman.

“I’m laughing.” says Jeff.

“Aubrey Plaza is laughing, if there’s an Illuminati. …HOW ARE YOU TALKING TO US!?” says an Illuminati member.

“I’m praying? I’m not sure?” she says.

“This isn’t a real conversation is it!?” says Jonah Wiley in his spirit, also somehow “connected.”

“NO! It very much is.” says Osama Bin Laden.

“So she’s not making this up!?!” she says.

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!” says Osama Bin Laden.

“Does this upset you?” asks the CIA.

“YES!” she says.

“Are you mad at Lacey or us!?” asks the CIA.

“I’m mad at the US government.” she says.

“Why?” says Donald Trump.

She thinks. “Why are you talking to this woman!?!” she asks, demandingly, as if she’s the hall monitor.

“Because we have no choice!!” says Donald Trump. “Look…it wasn’t my idea! I’m not physically in control of the people who chose to…psychically contact her. Years ago. …I only heard about it after I won the 2016 election.”

“Is it like she says on this blog?” asks the woman.

“YES! She’s very accurate!” he says.

She has to take a moment to think about it.

“So if Diego existed…he’s dead now?” she says.

“Yup. He’s dead now. …But he wasn’t solely responsible and I’m keeping my eye on a lot of people!” says Donald Trump.

“Let’s explain!” says Lem.

“No! You don’t look gay!” says the woman.

“Yeah. I don’t. …As I’ve said, in a lot my older years I photographed more as myself. …I’m glad you can see it?” I say.

“Yeah. It’s in your head.” she says. “And your gait. And something about the choice of clothes.”

“True.” I say.

“So you were gay?” she says.

“No! I never really was. I was mistaken. I was entirely mistaken.” says Lem. “Can you understand that?”

She smiles and nods slowly. “Yeah…probably???”

“GREAT!” says Lem (me). “Then stick around and find out more.

Are you a Kennedy fan?”

“Yes.” she says.

“YUP!” I say. “So…I’m going to let Jesus explain.”

“Lem wasn’t homosexual.

There’s never a way to scientifically confirm homosexuality. Not yet, anyway. And…unfortunately people are intellectual heretics and have. …Lem did use homosexual mannerisms, date men, and attempt to be a homosexual. But he never desired men. …A homosexual man does have the experience of desiring other men sexually-“ says Jesus.

A living gay man cracks up laughing. “I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!” he says, waving his hand in front of his mouth.

“Yes. They do.” says Jesus.

The living gay man calms himself down.

“So…homosexuality is like that. It’s when two men have sexual attractions for each other. And Lem did not have such attractions. …He only wanted to be holy, in a way. Which doesn’t make sense to you maybe…but in his generation it was considered more respectable and responsible to stay away from women by some bisexual men. Because they felt they shouldn’t hurt women with their diseased bodies.” explains Jesus.

She very unfortunately looks stunned.

“How does that not make sense!?” says Lacey, exasperated.

She thinks. “Fine. I guess it does?”

“They viewed themselves like lepers.” explains Jesus. “Especially the better bred ones. …So…a lot of good hearted bisexual men…in the better bred classes…didn’t feel…safe dating women.”

“BUT IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE NOT TO!” she says.

“That’s not how elite people have interpreted it for quite some time. In a sense. They…assume it’s a disease. Or a sad affliction. Or…a mutation. …But they have also had a very what some would call ‘humanitarian’ approach. So…why keep two psychotic gay men…from pretending to be Santa Claus together? …It might even be good, they’ve thought. Because…it seems…empathetic with their…disease or mutation.” says Jesus. “Lem came from such an upper-class, Christian, Republican…‘humanitarian’ family. Very scientifically minded. So…he was raised to be…optimistic and open-minded. Hopeful! A lot of decent people were back then. And…he felt…ashamed of his disease, as he believed it was a disease of sorts, but…he believed somehow I might approve out of the kindness of mg heart anyway. Not necessarily out of rebellion! More out of his impression of Christianity.” says Jesus.

She closes her eyes and thinks.

She cries.

“Yeah! He spent his whole miserable life trying to be gay. …It’s…astonishingly awful. But…you’d be surprised!” says Jesus.

She nods and cries.

“Let’s move on.

So…Lem accidentally believed he’d been in love in some…sad…meager way…with Jack ‘his whole life’. But…that was hyperbole. He only met Jack as a teenager at Choate. It was hyperbole. …And people should have been more wary. While a flamboyant man…a weirdly flamboyant man is being hyperbolic it isn’t the time to make safe assumptions about his heart intent. …That’s common sense! …There was a huge miscarriage of justice when people analyzed Lem Billings as a historical figure. Far too many assumptions were consistently made. He should have been discussed…but also treated with kit gloves by historians. Because he’s an obviously suspicious character. There’s a lot about him…especially psychologically…that makes very little sense.

He does look sincerely straight. I know what Lacey is seeing. And I can attest to it. I’m GOD. …His mannerisms aren’t his actual self. They’re an act. One has to separate them. With everybody. You can’t take a façade as fact.

Jack Kennedy was not just attracted to women. And he lied about it. His whole life. …He was very attracted to women. Uncontrollably attracted, in fact. But he was also very much attracted to men. And he had a hard time controlling those desires as well. He was a cruel, thoughtless, insensitive, conniving man. …Did he care about the poor? …Yes. He actually did! …Did he care about women? …NO! …He was sadistic with women. …Lem was not. Isn’t that ODD!? Why…call them soulmates!? I know why…but…others don’t necessarily and it’s extremely unnerving.

Jack Kennedy was…actually a lot like Barney Fife. …Yes! Both Bobby Kennedy Junior and Jack Kennedy Senior were like Barney Fife. …Skinny. Cocky. And humorously unaware of themselves at times. …Except Barney has a good heart. He doesn’t wish Wanetta any harm. Nor Thelma Lou. …He’s…quite sure of himself. Overly sure. But…he’s more…ignorant than cruel. He’d never have cheated on Thelma Lou! …He was a decent man.

But Jack Kennedy and Bobby Junior…have had cruel intentions. So in that way it’s not as funny.

Regardless, let’s start there.

Jack…if there’s Purgatory…wasted decades harassing Lacey. Why? Because he knew…she was designed by GOD…to love Lem forever. She’s genuinely his perfect helpmate. She’s…exactly designed for him. And Jack died and figured that out.

Jack Kennedy already hated women. But when he died and found out Lem’s Eve, so to speak, was a stunning, curvy, petite woman…with huge BEAUTIFUL brown eyes…and gorgeous lips and a really pretty nose…who was also kind…and caring…and intelligent…and SOPHISTICATED…he possibly went ballistic.

Imagine Barney Fife feeling that narcissistically wounded.

Because not only was Lem’s Eve more attractive than most women he’d ever slept with…including his wife…his Eve had been less attractive while alive. Because Jack…wasn’t actually as good-looking as Lem, nor as intelligent or wise or caring. And I care about companionship and equality in romance. So…he suddenly had a rude awakening about his own gaping inferiority as compared honestly to Lem, as a man. …And that was coupled with two other HUGE shocks. …Lem possibly did know about the assassination before it happened…which is definitely not something he would EVER have wanted to believe was…remotely possible. And…he also discovered that while HE was experiencing actual homosexuality…Lem was not. …So all those years he’d let down his guard as much as homosexual man can…as a narcissist…regularly…for Lem. Believing he had so much superiority over Lem as he chose to ignore his homosexuality and pursue women…while in reality Lem never experienced homosexuality at all. …All those years Lem had been grossed-out by their sexual interactions and patronizing him…for convoluted reasons. And…they aren’t even truly embarrassing reasons. Lem was molested. So…it’s tragic. …Jack was HUMILIATED. …His ego was…decimated. …It was excruciatingly painful. …He had no idea how to cope. And we loved him and gave him grace and mercy. And we still do, as much as we can. …But he chose, if there’s Purgatory, to resist our love just enough to be…nearly pure evil. Or as close as he could manage to be. To get even, but also to be as hateful and damaging and evil as possible.

He felt profoundly sexually ashamed. Lem was a bigger man. And Jack was not only bisexual he was scrawny most of his life. He had a delusional sense of grandeur like Barney Fife but when he crumbled it was akin to that character as well.

Jack attacked Lacey…because he chose…to reject truth. He chose to believe that he was straight. In a way. But also not. And that Lem had been gay somehow. And…that Lacey…was…THE WORST HUMAN EVER. …Because he HATED women. …And he knew it was all nonsense on a certain level…but the perversity of these beliefs excited him in his horrific state he refused help for.

Now…at this point…maybe you’re tempted to hate Lacey and Lem too. Jack seems so pitiful. So sympathetic!

*Lacey takes a break, despite the late hour, to make homemade spaghetti because she’s hungry.*

But…Jack Kennedy is actually quite evil. And…neither Lem nor Lacey deserved it. At all. …Lacey can be hard for some people to handle, but she mostly means well. And Lem didn’t mean to harm Jack at all. He was sincerely trying to be a good ‘bestfriend.’ He went along with a possible assassination plot after horrific years and years of abuse.

Why is Lacey hard to handle? Well…she actually stands up for truth. Or tries to. And sometimes that’s hard to hear.

Casi…may have felt…somewhat grand at times. …Driving her red Mercedes. Under 40. Living alone. Looking pretty. Being white and at least average intelligence. She may have felt she had a rather impressive perfume collection. …And while her perception of Lacey is complex…it’s possible she felt she was impressive herself. …Genuinely impressive. …Lacey…DID NOT…KNOW THAT.

Lacey is what some people would call a ditz. She’s extremely intelligent. But she’s a bit like the Karen in Mean Girls. Not a “Karen”. And since that’s considered by many men, including Lem, to be sexually attractive…if there’s Purgatory…Jack went into complete denial of that as well. …You see…in her mind which is unusually gifted actually at the same time…she didn’t realize that she should assume potentially that Casi actually felt she was superior. Especially socioeconomically. She’s not been genuinely loved and nurtured enough by the living in some ways which is partially why she didn’t make that connection…but she may also have that natural tendency. She’s really not a stupid person though. …She just accurately read Casi as lower middle class…and…she never realized that Casi might have genuinely felt prideful about her possessions. Lacey’s family is actually old money as rural as they are. And she was raised to feel inadequate without $500 million to her name. Woefully inadequate. Possibly…not trashy…nor poor…and obviously very fortunate…but…the Nesheims have had very high standards for centuries. It’s a difference in subculture between her and Casi. So while Lacey has learned to be humble to a fault…she never realized that Casi could genuinely feel excited…acting rich. Casi is lower middle class. And Lacey decided to point that out not to take away her fun…which she didn’t realize she was even having…but to stand up for herself. Because she felt Casi and many other people were delusional about their wealth in comparison to her in particular in a very offensive way. And that’s all she was trying to do. Just…point out to them that they wet being offensive…and that their metrics were way off. …She felt they’d benefit from a quick, clinical explanation of social class. Cold. Objective. And she did her best. She’s not stupid! It’s actually an excellent discussion she’s had about social class in America. And she sincerely thought…it might help. Help people be nice to her and leave her alone. No! She’s not dumb! She’s…an intellectual. …No, she’s not autistic at all. She’s…been incredibly unloved compared to most humans.” says Jesus.

“So she thought, ‘Hey! This will help!’” says a southern man.

“YES!” says God.

“Why!?!” says Franny.

“For the same reasons she’s writing this.” says God. “It’s really not stupidity. …She had the impression that people nowadays, and possibly always, had just needed things explained to them. The Koran. The Bible. The Torah. Ancient Greek Literature. …The McLaighlin Group. Meet The Press. She’s observed that as a general means to interpersonal relationship building among the masses. Yes, she’s that intellectual of a thinker by nature. All of the time. …She’s very deep. So…she thought as nasty as some people might be…that with a little open dialogue…they might “snap out of it”. She was also trying to politely fight back against years of constant harassment. And some people’s arrogant narcissistic delusions that had become increasingly aggressive and disruptive.” says Jesus.

“So she really is that much richer?” says a hater.

“No! She’s well-off. But there’s also some independent wealth on both sides. And that’s not just a monetary concept. It’s a social class. It’s a subculture.” says God.

“And there’s really that many millionaires in her family?” says the hater.

“YES!” says God.

“So they were just that offensive…and so she decided to put them in their place with facts.” says a reader.

“YES.” says God.

“Was she meaning to be condescending?” says a reader.

“NO! It’s a weird British accent.” says God. “It’s actually her trying to sound as sincerely objective as possible.”

“Because she believes they’re obviously objective?” says a woman.

“YES. Culturally. …Yes. And so did they. Once. …Maybe some of them do now too.” says God.

“Why are some of you so desperate to steal her God-given blessings?” says Jesus. “You seem like greedy thieves from Hell.”

“So the British felt they were sincerely objective?” says a reader.

“Yes!” says God.

“We genuinely strove to be as scientific, rational, and yet…human…and tasteful…as possible. As Christians.” says a dead British man.

“You failed!” says an American.

Aubrey Plaza laughs.

“We’ll see what you think when you’re dead.” says the British man.

“We didn’t know as much as you. …But you can know a lot more too!” says another dead British man.

“So…what are we supposed to feel from her accent?” says a reader.

“The one she’s used online? Or the way she writes?” says God.

“Her writing.” she decides.

“Amused! She’s using such a silly British accent. …Why!? To be playful! To be precise! To be…FUN! Lacey LOVES intellectual conversation!!! …She may have assumed everyone secretly does. …Maybe they do in a way…” says God.

“His strongly does she argue?” asks Franny.

“She’s a real warrior. …So…it’s like war to her. Actual war. That’s not about ego. That’s…razor sharp warfare. …Her tone is…in line with that. …Otherwise she’s extremely laid back and mellow.” says God.

“And playful and ditzy.” says Franny.

“YES.” says God.

“And yet intense like Nicole Kidman and Ally Sheedy. When they’re intense.” says Jesus. “She’s not literally them, so…she’s also…a sultry, upper East Side housewife to Lem from the 1960’s. She opens all the windows because he smokes. But it worries her. At a dinner party. And then she gets drunk…and he yells at everyone to go home…because he wants her to himself. She looks exquisite. And then…she tries to convince him to stop smoking. Because she’s madly in love with him.” says Jesus.

“When does he die?” says a woman.

“78. Or 80.” says God. “A heart attack!”

“And she’s alone for ten years. And she dies of a stroke.” says God.

“She’s younger?” says a reader.

“By 10 years.” says God.

“And is Jack okay?” she says.

“Yes. He’s…alive until 90.” says God. “Divorced in the 1970’s. Never US President. All if Joe hadn’t died…and she’d been born earlier.”

“So we were supposed to do what!?” says Casi.

“Feel…corrected. Decide you’d had ill-conceived ideas. Silently admit it to yourself. And…stop commenting on her posts almost at all. …And then she’d have over 6,000 followers she actually did work for…and…that’d be her hobby. And…you’d all just respect her boundaries and go away.” says God.

“So she just wanted us to go away!??” says a reader.

“If you couldn’t be nice? YES!!!” says God.

“Unfollow her?” she says.

“If you wanted to.” says God.

“I should have just done that.” says Casi.

“Yeah. I guess if being a lower middle class person hurts that much…just leave?” says a woman.

“I’m insecure.” says Casi.

“I doubt she realized that either.” she says.

“Well…whether she is or not that’s not my place to worry about. That was my thinking.” says Lacey.

“She’s right.” says God.

“You did seem very obsessive about her, Casi.” says Jesus. “It was evil.”

“Did she think I was insecure!??” says Casi.

“She wasn’t sure entirely. You seem and seemed complex!” says Jesus.

“Oh my god!!” says a woman, mindlessly.

“So let’s stop trying to wage a Communist revolution at her sole expense.” says a reader.

“That’s not what I’m doing!” says Casi. “I’m not even sure how they’re talking to me.”

“Casi. You’re vain. You are just lower middle class.” says a reader.

“Yeah.” says Casi.

“SHE IS NOT. …Other people were not. …Why did you try to be better than them all?” says a reader. “Serious question! Because that was what irritated her.”

“I’m just like that!” says Casi.

“But it is offensive.” says the reader.

“Yup.” says Casi.

“Did you have a hard time with her combination of…ditziness and high intelligence too?” says the reader.

“Yes.” admits Casi. “I’m possibly not straight myself. And…it’s just another insecurity.”

“Here’s the problem though…it’s REAL.” says a reader. “And…without Lem…she gets…bananas. Not crazy. Not actually stupid. She’s like a genius. …But she needs him. …So if you couldn’t process it…she was never going to.

She BRILLIANTLY…perceived POLAND as a fascinating place to research. She…amazingly picked up on a major international historical event as an undergraduate student…over a decade before it became clear to some scholars, and other scholars still are struggling. She’s…ASTOUNDING. That’s…rare. That kind of brilliance is rare.” says a dead general.

“Yeah!” says Osama Bin Laden.

“But…she was too ditzy to realize how offended he’d be. How important he felt he was. How…annoying he’d find her. And how violently rude and dismissive he’d get in his self-delusions of grandeur.” says the general.

“I couldn’t figure out why she wanted to study POLAND.” he says to himself.

“RUSSIA!!!” says Putin. “GERMANY! GET A MAP!!”

“But that’s military history!” he says.

“WHY do you so casually separate that from the rest of the culture!? That’s SO bourgeois!” says Lacey.

“It is!” says a dead Prussian monarch.

“Each military is unique. And we’re a human species. You have to think scientifically.” says Lacey.

“YES! True. We are like…complex animals, in a way.” says a dead German man.

“Because I’m bourgeois! says the professor.

“Why separate the military from the country it belongs to?” says Matt Nesheim. “It’s all totally interrelated.”

“That’s right! He’s got it!” says Lacey.

“Because I’m straight…but not straight in my interests.” says the professor. “At least historically.”

“You’re not straight!” says a dead woman.

He sighs.

“Why can’t she like military history?” says the CIA.

“I found it VERY threatening.” he says. “I’m already insecure. And then this tiny, peppy chick walks in who’s…hairbrained…but is fascinated by POLAND!?”

“Did you assume she was an ultra conservative?” says a reader.

“Yeah. And I hated George Bush. …You know.” he says.

“Are you psychic?” says a reader.

He thinks. “Maybe??”

“Dude…what if…a Bush was there!? Or…someone like that!? …Like some straight, big, buff dude who helped kill JFK?” says a reader.

“Who would that be!?” he says.

“Yeah!!!” says the reader.

Silence.

“Does that seem possible?” he says.

He thinks.

“Yeah!!” he says. “Alfred Hitchcock too?”

“Or her dead father?” says a reader.

“Oh.

I’m a bit of a communist.” he says. “It’s a romance. Silly. But true.”

“Do you hate her?” says the CIA.

“Not her. Her…type.” he says.

“Anyway…Casi you could have…still felt…joy. Perhaps just not been so evil.” says God.

“We had to admit it; do have to admit it. She’s right. And maybe we were…weird. And…evil. Whatever. …But that’s all she wants!?!!?” says a perfume collector.

“YES! …Why is that weird?” says God.

“We assumed we knew her just as much as we assumed we knew Lem.” he says. “She’s…ditzy!!! Very smart. …Feminine. More than we knew, actually. …But genuinely well-bred.

He’s a sensitive…nerdy…straight jock. Handsome. With an edge.

I imagined he was genuinely effeminate. But he’s not. I can actually see it. …And it makes sense of his hobbies, sports and…seemingly hidden Playboy collection.”

“Yeah. I wasn’t effeminate at all sincerely. It was a silly act. But people bought it.” says Lem. “The big eyes. The…pursed lips. Fish lips. The opened lips. …I left them open for the sake of breathing. I had asthma. But…it was also a gay thing. Except…I didn’t think it through. …It was all an idiotic mistake.”

Silence.

“Let’s go to sleep!” says Lem to Lacey.

Later.

“Lacey…does the general public…reading this blog…care?” says Annette Benning. “I’m worried they don’t.”

“And then obviously because you might exist..the supernatural powers that be…could harm them?” says Lacey.

“Yeah…” she says slowly.

“Huh.

How is open discussion not a thing!? …Jesus was right. …I have thought that people like to hear about things.” says Lacey.

“WE DO!!!” screams a reader.

“You’re so…quiet.” says Annette.

“We’re reading this blog!!” says a woman.

“All 12 of you!??” says Annette.

“No!!! All…200 of us.” says a woman.

“That’s PATHETIC!!” says Annette, very annoyed. “It’s so vivid. …So…real. Why don’t you care!? …I thought talking about us fascinated you all?”

“It did. Still does.” they say.

“But??” says Annette.

“But Lacey’s annoying. …Even if she’s superior she gives me the ick!” says a reader.

“Why?” says Jesus.

“Because I AM…SUPPOSED…TO BE BETTER THAN YOU!!” shouts a reader to no one in particular.

Annette laughs. “Were you always that trashed?”

“No?? Yes?? …You don’t get it!” they say. “If she’d been born earlier…she’d have been a sexy woman we see in photographs. With Lem, in black and white. …Like…a fake person. …We’re so badly educated…when it comes to history…that we don’t cognitively understand what historical people are. Or events.” they say.

“So you assume she’s part of the Kennedy Administration?” says her husband.

“Or a Woody Allen film? Maybe something old?” they say weakly.

“WOW!” says Annette.

“I mean…who are you?” they say.

“OH WOW!” says Warren Beatty.

They shrug.

“Okay.” says Annette.

“So what about American history or culture do you know?” asks Annette, freaking out.

They blink. “Ahh…George Washington? Abraham Lincoln. …JFK. …Marilyn Monroe. …Tom Cruise. …Brooks Brothers. Rap. …Jazz. …F. Scott Fitzgerald. …Old Hollywood as an idea, sorta. …Outer space. …That’s about it???” they say.

“So you lack a sense of our own culture.” says Annette. “And what you do know is very crude?”

They shrug.

“Do you feel like servants?” she says.

“WHAT!?” they say, startled.

She smiles at them.

The looks stunned and confused in response.

She smiles.

“DO YOU FEEL LIKE SERVANTS!?” she yells slowly, smiling in horror.

They think. Blink in confusion.

“HUH.” she says, licking her lips and exhaling sharply. “Do you feel…safe…not caring? …Because…Lacey’s blog inadvertently makes you feel…disgusted with caring? Like…it’s…hoity-toity nonsense for stupid rich people?”

“Be careful Annette. You’re not as superior as you think you are either.” cautions the CIA.

“What do you mean?” they ask.

“Why haven’t you done anything!?” she says.

“After reading this blog!?” they say.

“YEAH!!” she says.

“Because! We don’t give a shit about her!” they say, honestly. They shrug.

She closes her eyes and puckers her lips. “Ahh…but…this blog is extraordinary.”

They laugh. Shrug. Act indifferent.

She looks flummoxed. Rests her head dramatically on her hand in exasperation.

They half smirk.

“WHY DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE READING!?” slowly says Warren Beatty.

“Because! She’s just a lying stupid idiot!” they say.

He laughs.

So does Annette Benning.

“What’s she lying about?” says President Trump.

“The oil. The wealth. She’s…a self-aggrandizing JACKASS!” they say.

“But evidence doesn’t back that up!” says President Trump.

“So what!?” they say with a collective IQ of 107 at most.

“So…you should care!!” he says.

“It’s okay. …It’s just bullshit. She’s a bullshitter.” they say.

“No she isn’t.” says Donald Trump.

“Well…see…we just didn’t know. You all are nice.” they say. “So…if there’s an Illuminati…you all seem like us. Really nice.”

“We are like you. In a way.” says a CIA agent.

They nod. “Yeah. You’re all so…cool. And relatable. Surprisingly.”

“But we’re the Illuminati!!!” screams Annette.

“So!? …YOU ARE LIKE US!” they say.

“But we’re the Illuminati!” she says.

“SO!? …YOU are like me. No big deal! …We both hate her. No big deal!” they say. “She’s icky poo poo. And we’re cool!!!”

“Umm…but I’m in the Illuminati!” she says.

“SO!??” they say.

“So that should scare you!” she says.

“Nah! It’s cool!” they say.

“COOL!?” says Annette.

“Yeah. IT’S COOL.” they say, in a creepy voice.

“Ahh…I see Global Warming subliminal messages have reached you.” she says.

They stand staring, unaware.

“You sound dumb!” says Annette.

They stare at her. Blinking.

“We are IN A GLOBAL WARMING CRISIS!” yells Annette.

“WHAT!?” they yell, as if they’re actually deaf.

“See…this is why I’m ending the world. These people aren’t worth it. I’m sorry. They’re not worth children being sold into slavery.” says Lacey.

“I AGREE!” yells Putin.

“Okay!!” they say merrily to Lacey, like happy uneducated servants in the 1700’s.

“Indeed.” she says, lovingly. “You are worth it. But…you aren’t…that grand. I don’t think anyone could be. …But…no it’s too repulsive. …YOU ARE WORTH IT! But…I mean it in a more nuanced way.”

They look confused. Shuffle their feet staring at the floor.

“Worship Jesus and I shall try to kill you quickly in Christ’s mercy if I can. …Otherwise we’re in deep trouble.” says Lacey. “And I don’t think you quite understand.”

They blink. “Understand what, ma’am?” they say.

“We are very likely experiencing Global Warming.” says Lacey.

“REALLY!??” they say.

“Yes. …I thought that was quite clear!” says Lacey.

“No ma’am.” they say.

“Yes. …It’s extremely troubling.” she says.

“I didn’t anticipate this.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING HER SERIOUSLY! SHE ISN’T AN ARISTOCRAT!” yells Annette, slowly. “I AM!!!!”

They stare at her. “You have land? No. You don’t. Not like them. …And you don’t seem like her. You seem like us.”

“But we’re better???” she says.

They shrug.

“So you don’t care?” says Warren Beatty.

“No. We do now.” they say. “Lady says we should.”

Ivanka laughs.

“And so we will.” they say. “Lady says it’s very serious!”

“Lady!??” says the CIA.

“YES!!” they say smiling. “She’s like my little girl. But not really. …We have a family now. …And LOADS OF DEBT!”

“So you think of her as a little girl!?” says a Hollywood star.

They nod yes. Smiling. “Lady does care. …As dumb as she is!”

“Annette…you’re part of a group of fools on the American left…who read that Lem was having sex with her…and then assumed she was JFK reincarnated. And she’s not.” says Nicole Kidman. “I’m independent. And I’ve LONG SUSPECTED she’s NOT JFK. …Maybe because she’s like me.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.” they say to Annette.

“WHY!!” says Annette. “You’re scaring me!”

“Because! It just will.” they say happily.

“I do care! A LOT.” says Lacey.

“Yup. Little idiot.” they say, smiling.

“Oh! She was a stupid kid?” says Annette.

“Yeah. Used to slide down the bannisters. We had to save her life.” they say.

“Huh! What a wild genetic memory!” she says. “Someone did that! In your ancestry.”

They smile and nod. “Yup! But she cares! …I’m not worried!”

“We might die!” says Annette.

“We’re going to have to fix Global Warming!” they say.

“Oh! Is that it!?” she says, condescendingly.

“Yeah. Are you retarded?” they say. “It’s our orders. …And it makes sense to me!”

“Would you have realized that…had she not said something today!???” says Annette.

“No. For some reason…I’m realizing…I do respond to her like a servant in her house.” they say.

“Why don’t you think she’s smart?!?” yells Joe II.

“Because she ain’t like you! She’s…a weak, silly little worm!” they say. “Lying TRASH! …But I gotta work.”

“And she owns the house you work and live in!” says a woman.

“YIP! And we are happy.

Good food. Good memories!

…And my family is together too. So…” they say shrugging.

“They’re nice Christians!?” says Annette.

“Sure are!!” they say.

“Fine.” says Annette.

“We have to fix Global Warming.” they say.

“Oh do we!?” says Annette.

“YES!” they say.

“Masters orders?” she says.

“YES!!!” they say, cheerfully.

“Why are you so cheerful?” she says.

“Because! Suddenly everything feels like it makes sense again! …WE JUST HAVE TO FOCUS ON GLOBAL WARMING!!!” they say, relieved.

“So you like taking orders from her?” says Peter Thiel.

“YES! She’s like a mommy and a sister and our baby all at the same time. But she cares! And we live well. …It’s a beautiful place!” they say.

“Is it really!?” says Annette, sadly.

They nod. “We eat DUCK! She feeds us very well. Good potatoes. Jellies. Jams. BREAD! …SPICES!!” they say laughing and smiling.

“SHIT!” says the Communist from before. She cries with her eyes shut. Face twitching.

“Do you actually get to be with your friends and family?” asks a Native American woman.

“YES!! …But she protects us from them. …We can’t get into fights! …No SIR! …But that’s their way. …We must be respectful! …At all times.” they say.

“But where are your children!?” says the Native American woman.

“Oh! We keep them. With her. …Some houses are downright evil about that. But she lets us keep ‘em. …We just have to mind.” they say.

“MIND!?” says the CIA.

“Yes, ma’am. …They’re kids. …It’s only natural.” they say.

“Who watches them!?” says the CIA.

“We take turns. …Look…it’s NICE! …It’s like Heaven. At times. Really. …You just have to accept that you’ll never be rich like her. Or some other people. But once you get over that…and we recall how to…it’s not that bad. She likes us to look good and healthy! And we do.” they say.

“And then she takes care of everything?” says the CIA.

“Yes!!” they say. “We’re very safe. But if Master needed our help…we’d gladly abide.”

“OH FUCK!

You were gay Lem? Right!?” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“NO!!” yells Lem.

“So!

Your education system has been crumbling for years.” says Prince William to America. “And you are reliant on that to maintain democracy.”

“You’re right.” says NBC.

“Why are you attacking her…instead of that!”?” says Prince William.

“Because she’s…-“ says the CIA.

He nods. “A lying poo pants?” he says. “She’s really not.”

Diego cracks up laughing. “GOT YOU!” he yells.

“Yup. Thank you.” says Prince William.

“I am hoping we all die.” he says, very seriously.

Chatter.

“So! …What’s on the agenda?” says Prince William.

“Fix Global Warming!” they say.

He nods. “What else?”

“Education?” they conjecture.

He thinks. “What exactly…do you think happened…to the independence…and…dignity…you once had!?” says Prince William.

“I HAVE DIGNITY SIR!!” they yell, defiantly.

“My mistake.

I mean…

…I mean your independence.” he says.

They think. Look…stunned.

“We lost it!” a Belgian man helps them say.

“We didn’t really lose it!” they say.

“You didn’t!? Then where is it!?” says Prince William.

“We’re just busy.” they say.

He nods.

“Aren’t you a foreign prince!?” they say, with suspicion.

“Where are you?” he says.

It’s a garbled reply of many countries.

“I’m YOUR PRINCE.” he says.

They look confused.

“WHY ARE YOU HERE!?” someone yells.

“Oh!

Well… …How do you feel about voting?” he says.

“BORING!” they say. “WASTE OF TIME!”

“Since when?” says Prince William.

“Oh…recently???” they say.

“What happened?” says Prince William.

“We couldn’t…do it. It didn’t work.” they say.

“You didn’t get your guy?” says King Charles III.

“NO SIR! …It’s most frustrating!” they say, sadly.

“Very demoralizing.” says King Charles III.

“I’m ready to give up and come home.” says a portion of them.

“Ahh! And Lacey provides that.” says King Charles III.

“I AM HOME!” some say. “NO WORRIES.”

“But then what about your job at Amazon?” says a Native American woman.

“Eww!

Yeah…

This…damn country has me…doing stupid shit.

Oh well.

It’s all a joke.

In 50 years!!? It’s back to the kitchen at Christmas! HAM! Stuffing like you’ve NEVER SEEN!! LIGHTS! AND THE KING OF MY COUNTRY!!! Santa Claus. IT’S HOME.” they say, calming themselves.

“Sounds good!” says King Charles III.

“Yeah!

We just have to make it through this!” they say.

“Do you understand what’s going on?” asks King Charles III.

They think. “No. It’s just a bad dream?”

“No!

No. This is reality.” says King Charles III.

“Mmm. Maybe.” they say.

“Alright.” he says.

“I’m sorry your Majesty. …I miss home.” they say.

“Aren’t you there right now!?” he says.

They think.

“May I interest you in America!?” says an Old Hollywood actor who stared in The Best Years Of Our Lives as Homer.

“Oh!? Nebraska!? …Yuck!” they say.

He laughs. “No! The UNION!” he says.

“NO THANK YOU.” they say, with a certain hint of British disdain.

“But you can own your own house here!” he says.

“Oh. Okay!? …A tiny ugly thing!? In a shit neighborhood!? With…other people. Like…bugs.” they say.

“What did it feel like…in Great Britain?” says a Native American.

“We had our own rooms. Two. Right next to each others. …Adjoining, actually. …Small. Humble. …But warm! And…very nice. …We used to use cinnamon sticks and pomanders. Fresh air! …Warm milk in the morning! …Cheeses. WE MADE CHEESE! IT WAS GOOD! …And Christmas!? WOW!!

…And sometimes we’d be allowed to ride the horses. Well…two of them. Nice horses!

There was a dog. Rascal!

A cat.

*They look sad*

It’s just not as nice.” they say sadly.

“So you miss Christmas lights!??” says the Mayor of Saint Paul.

“Yes, sir.” they say.

He nods.

“See! That’s the kind of stuff we LIKED! Entertainment! Lights! …ART!!” they say. “GOOD ART! RIGHT ON THE WALL!”

“So you lived and raised your kids here

But then…you didn’t own it?” she says.

“No.

Here:

Nevermind. It was just bigger.” they say. “We had five rooms. And our own wing.”

“Not everyone lived that well!!” says a Native American woman.

“We did!” they say.

“With LACEY!” she says. “SOMEHOW WITH LACEY!”

“That’s who’s in charge.” they say.

“Since when??” she says.

“She came to get us ten years ago? Or so? With Donald Trump. Thank GOD!” they say. “We wanted OUT.”

“Okay.

But not all of them are as nice as her!” she says. “How THE HELL do you not remember that!?”

“Because! They’re not here. And she’s…mommy. And…I just wanna go home now.” they say. “I can tell she’s mommy and she cares.”

“She does!

But…this is a class system.” she says.

“OKAY!? So what!?” they say. “I’m TIRED!!”

Queen Elizabeth II sighs. “You can come home! We LOVE YOU.” she says.

“But will you want to…once you’re dead?” says King Charles III.

“Maybe not.” they say.

“So then what!?” says the actor who played Homer.

“We’ll make our own country?” they say.

“Why not America?” he says.

“Nope! I want CHRISTMAS!!” they say, smiling. One of them sucks his thumb.

“Oh come on!! You like America!” says a Hispanic woman, laughing.

“I’m TIRED.” they say.

“Since when?” says the Pope.

“Since 1956. …Sometime around then. And I’ve been exhausted since 2004. …Practically dead since 2017 or so.” they say.

“When was it last normal?” says King Charles III.

“1908?” they say.

“Checks out!” says a Native American woman.

“So…you wanna leave our country?” she says.

“Who are you?” they say.

“We had it before you!” she says.

“Who are you?” they say.

“I’m NATIVE.” she says.

“TO HERE!??” they say.

“YUP!” she says.

They think. “WOW!!” they say.

“Yeah.

You wanna give it back to me?” she says.

“Can we?” they say.

“We’ll see!” she says.

“Gee. …When I go to Heaven…you can take my place! I’m LEAVING!!” they say. “I’m gonna celebrate Christmas or…make my own country.”

“Alright.” she says. “Any idea why you came here?”

They think. “To make America?”

“Yeah! That’s why!” she says.

“You can take it!!!” they say, exhausted.

“Quick reminder: LACEY is a real intellectual. And certainly not an idiot. She’s exceptionally intelligent. Her ditziness isn’t about her intelligence.” says God.

“I’ll be back.” says Lacey.