There are harsh truths. Harsh for someone, or so it seems.
When Jack and I took the photos in the snow…if I’d met Lacey…the same day…for better or worse…we’d have slept together. And I’d have actually lost my virginity. That’s just how we are with each other. God understands.
When I posed for the photo with the dog in Germany…where Jack and I clasped hands…if I’d met her that day…for better or worse we’d have lost our virginity to each other. Yes. I was still a virgin. I don’t count the years of…nonsense…as sex anymore. It just wasn’t real sex.
When I took the footage water skiing…same.
When I was ever photographed…same.
I was heterosexual. It’s really that simple.
You don’t have to believe me. But you should try. It’s for your own good.
…If I had been bisexual or pansexual I might have, actually I would have done the same, again. With Lacey. …And I’m not capable of being gay. Nor being a woman.
If Bobby Kennedy Junior is confirmed…I will tie a noose around his neck. Spiritually. …If he comes within an inch of my family…I will have him assassinated. Yes. You read that right. I will take him out.
Right now as we speak…there are 3,000 willing assassins. Ready to shoot him. And I will pull the trigger. And send him off to meet Bobby Senior and Jesus. …Hopefully I’ll see him in Heaven. But if he chooses Hell…his death is Christ’s problem. Because I personally…wish…he’d never been born. I CANNOT STAND HIM.
I am…Kirk LeMoyne Billings. Talking to you from the grave.
Natural Cause by Emancipator plays.
0:40
And then Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner plays. Loud.
An army of dead Nazis comes in. Led by Lacey. Elon Musk claps and cheers, like a fanboy, filled with genuine glee. He jumps up and down, thrilled like a child in Disney World, unaware. Just…genuinely thrilled.
“Bobby. We are watching you.” says a dead Nazi.
Elon looks slightly concerned.
3:18
3:49
4:00
The song plays. Loudly.
The Nazis get off their ghostly tanks. Elon looks less excited, for some reason, and maybe even slightly apprehensive.
5:00
They shoot in unison and the song ends.
Elon claps, in glee, nonetheless. He’s a huge fan of them, and he’s made Lacey a fan too.
Elon laughs at her mention of that.
“Let’s talk about why you love them.” says Lacey.
He smiles. “Okay.” he says.
“They’re efficient.” says Elon Musk.
“YES! They were. …Too bad they were so stupid at times.” says Lacey.
Elon blinks. Quickly recovers. Takes a deep breath.
A dead Nazi laughs. “She likes to be…blunt.” says a dead Nazi.
“Ja!” says Lacey.
They eat bacon.
“She is a Ritter.” he says. “Like the German Ritter. Good name!” he says.
“JA!” says Lacey.
He nods. Humbly.
“You were IDIOTS!” says Lacey.
“Ja.” he says.
“She’s right. We’re dead. We…aren’t in Hell…so…what do you expect?” says another dead Nazi.
“I’m still a big fan!” says Lacey. “You were…glorious. …You just failed.”
“Miserably.” says a dead Nazi general.
“You shouldn’t have targeted the Jews.” says Lacey.
“You are correct madam!” says a dead Nazi general.
“Ja. …Very sad.” says Lacey.
They remain silent.
“I’m mad.” says Lacey.
They look guilty. One takes a deep breath.
“The tariffs won’t work.” says one dead Nazi.
“Shoot.” says Lacey.
“You are slowly merging with Canada.” he says.
“How would that ever become legal?” asks Queen Camilla.
He thinks. Sighs. “Yes, I would like to point out that Lacey is German somewhat and Austrian possibly and Prussian on her father’s mother’s side, but she is also British and English on her father’s father side, and there are many dead British people, including the Queen Mother, who liked us…empathized with us…but just couldn’t support us. …Lacey is included in that. Ultimately she’s British. But…we have a piece of her heart too.
She understands why…we were so…angry.
And…now…I would like to ask Mr. Musk: Why…he…cares. Mr. Musk…why do you care?” asks a dead Nazi.
“Ja.” he says quietly.
“So why?” asks a dead Nazi.
Adagio in G Minor attributed to Albinoni plays.
Awkward silence.
“I WILL TELL YOU WHY I CARE!!!” yells Tsar Vladimir Putin.
The dead Nazi begins to cry. “YOU KNOW WE ALREADY KNOW!!” he yells, in a voice broken by tears.
Tsar Putin collects himself. Tries to seem…nonchalant and disinterested…to fit in. To be taken seriously by careless, selfish living men and their sycophantic followers. Followers on the left. Followers on the right.
3:00
4:13
A dead Russian man salutes Vladimir Putin. One last time. Smiling. He waves goodbye.
4:47
He walks into light. And then disappears.
5:18
Putin remains stoic, although one tear falls down his cheek.
“A good leader…understands…the darkness…and…contends with it in his tormented soul…daily.” says the dead Nazi to Tsar Vladimir Putin. “You are such a man. And your people are blessed. …Even in such suffering. They have honor. …Every virtue we believed in justly…you know. …Yes. You too…shall die. But while you live…you have tried. And…as simple as that sounds…for some men…it’s…living Hell. …Thank you for caring, your majesty.” says the dead Nazi.
9:00
9:52
“I call you by the true title. None of the arguments can convince me. You are a KING.” says the dead Nazi.
10:40
“And I am honored to speak to you, your majesty.” says the dead Nazi. He bows.
The song concludes.
Queen Camila sighs. Smiles.
“That’s all very well. And I shall have to pray for him.” she says. “To Jesus.
But…could you please explain. …IS HE ALEXEI!??”
The dead Nazi thinks of what to say.
“Yes. Because…Charles…does wonder. …In his youth he had suspicions about reincarnation. But…he’s since let most of that go. …Maybe he was talked out of it too easily. …Anyway…we’d like to know.” says Queen Camilla.
Elon Musk laughs. “This blog is a parody. Of the actual elite. It’s a parody!” he says.
“True.” says Lem.
He smiles and laughs. “But…I’m in it. It’s possibly very real.”
“Yes.” says Lem.
“So…she’s picking apart…each moment and focusing on what’s humorous?” says Elon Musk.
“YES!” says Lem.
“Why!?” says Elon Musk.
“Because…we’re human.” says the dead Nazi. “Even if we’re great. We are always just human. And…lovable. Redeemable. But…human. …And…there’s something wonderful about that. …I think…she hopes to bring…joy and love and peace to her readers. Of all classes. …Remind them that we’re…REAL. …All of us!!!!” he says.
“I’m not used to being effectively made fun of.” says Elon Musk.
“People have seemingly no sense of humor anymore.” says Lacey.
He thinks.
“Do you wish someone could make fun of you?” he says to Lacey.
“Yes!” she says.
He smirks. “Don’t count on it. They’d have to admit your supremacy first.”
She thinks.
“That’s brilliant!” she says.
He nods and smiles.
“Ja.” says the dead Nazi.
“No, but…in order to genuinely mock you…I had admit you might be superior to me. In some real way first.” she says about Elon Musk.
Elon smiles. Looks sad. Almost cries. Controls himself.
“Wow you love Nazis!” says a man on Tik Toc to Elon Musk. “WHY!?”
Honestly…I can’t easily articulate why. I’ve tried. …If there’s an Illuminati, I’ve tried. But…it’s actually really hard to articulate. I think it’s like this…I’m a worker bee. By birth. I come from a family of worker bees. Intelligent, witty, and charming worker bees…but…worker bees nonetheless. …And for some reason her…being…irritates me to NO END. …When she’s kind to me…it stuns me. When she’s insightful about anything…I’m scared. …I feel…angry around her. …And I don’t even know why!
Elon smirks. “Their bravery. Their boldness! Their lack of fear in the face of absolute defeat. …I’ve researched it, and I am quite certain that a number of them had a conscience and sanity. They knew what they were getting themselves into with the Holocaust and everything else. But they took that risk, and it was a very, romantic, sentimental, passionate, gorgeous risk. Why? Because they loved their country! …And being as wealthy as I am, one of the wealthiest men in the world, I’ve had to contend with moral conundrums like that daily for years.  I’ve had to realize that I am living the life of an absolute heathen from Hell even if in my heart I long to worship Christ. And for someone as sentient and intelligent as myself, it has been moral agony. I have an incredible number of profoundly complex moral conundrums to argue with in my own head daily dozens of times a day, obsessively. And as much as it seems like an admirable place to be in in this fallen world to be one of the wealthiest men it’s actually a living Hell in that way. 
Umm so looking for role models and I’m not finding anyone who I could lean on, so to speak, and take courage from as a human by example…I resorted in a sense to finding inspiration and dignity as a human with Nazis. They are my heroes.
Toccata & Fugue in D Minor by Bach plays.
They’ve brought comfort to many American men who were scared of being alone, because it’s terrifying not because they were weak. And God didn’t want us to be alone he didn’t think it was good. People today don’t like that. They want to think that you can be alone and not rely on anyone. That’s bullshit.
When you have as much money as I have you give up on people who are popular because it doesn’t work to listen to their bullshit.
But I have found solace and comfort in the bleak humanity of Nazi men who had a conscience. Men who were never popular after they died, men who only saw a moment of glory before the Third Reich fell. I actually debate the moral acuity of the holocaust. Even though I give the Nazi salute. I’m not a hateful, racist person.
Simple people don’t understand unless if they use their spirit.
And at the end of the day, we are all simple people in the eyes of God.
I don’t want to be the part of the Nazis that you hate. Rather, I want to use their lost art and their lost virtue and their lost wisdom as my guide about what to correct about the present day. And even if you killed me, I would still exist. I’ve thought about suicide numerous times in the last year. Because I take my role that seriously.
I’ll let you be scared by me and my salutes and my white supremacy because I don’t respect evil people. And I have a job to do. And my job is being myself. I am Elon Musk, never heard of me?
“What!?” says the Israeli businessman.
Listen to Wagner, listen to Bach, and let your conscience ache!” says Elon Musk.
The song plays.
“Ahh…yeah.” says China. “By the way…we’ve been trying to work with Israel and the Palestinians for a while.”
Lacey listens to Wagner and let’s herself contemplate her guilt in regard to fossil fuel emissions. Lays her soul penitent before Christ.
Elon Musk nods and smiles. “JA!” he says, downing a shot of whisky. He laughs.
Walks off with a Nazi to chat.
A loving, living gay man sighs. Rolls his eyes. “OKAY! He’s looking for role models. …Makes sense! …I raised boys. With my husband. I get it. …I guess Nazis are cool. Kinda.
Here’s what I don’t understand: Why…are you so…evil!?” he says to Elon Musk or whoever will answer.
“Like with fossil fuels? Deporting people? Stuff like that?” asks President Donald Trump.
He looks very serious. Thinks. “Ahh…yeah.” he says tentatively.
“Some of that is…the lesser of two evils. …The rest of it…is…real evil, I guess. I’m narcissistic.” he says, shrugging. “But I do have a conscience. And I’m a genius. A stable genius. …FOR REAL.”
“Why that evil?” he says.
“Because gay men have historically been in alliance with pedophiles. And you lie about that.
Because the people who control the green economy…are like Elon…or…they’re pedophiles. OR they’re WEAK.
Because we do have far too many undocumented immigrants in this country. And it actually is a real problem. …And…the people who are mad about it…VOTE.” says Donald Trump.
“YEAH! This is what’s going on.” says a man who’s slightly psychopathic who reads her blog. “You guys overdramatize EVERYTHING. And it sucks. Because there’s actually a lot going on.” He thinks. “I can barely feel myself…I’m numb all of the time…but…this sort of reasoning…is my strong suit.”
“Lacey are you Scotia?” asks Scotland.
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if there’s reincarnation she is Scotia. Yes she is the actual Scotia.
In her last life she was married to Lem Billings. He’s Emperor Constantine. He was second cousins with the Spencer family of Lady Diana Spencer’s origin.  She was a relative of a Scottish titled aristocrat.  They had four dead children, all who died before two months after birth.  He was straight then he was straight as Constantine and he’s straight now he was also straight as Lem Billings. 
Yes if there’s reincarnation, she is Scotia. There’s no question about that. That’s a fact. 
But you would have to find that in the word of God. I am God. I wrote the Bible. I used the Holy Spirit to reveal myself through the Bible to humanity. I am the only and one true God. I am God there are no other gods before me.
If it’s not in the Bible and it’s not theologically possible, then you can assume that I’m telling you this for some reason. What would the reason be? I’m trying to help you understand. Some people could be very similar and they’re not reincarnated. Some people could be tricked by demons, who want them to believe in reincarnation when there isn’t reincarnation. Demons can be very tricky. Even discerning, intelligent, good-hearted Christians like Lacey could occasionally be confused by very experienced, clever demons. However she has excellent discernment, and she’s a very sincere and honest person so when she says things herself, like, ‘I’m not attracted to women!’ people should have taken that as absolute truth, potentially. Questioning stuff like that is evil, depending on your heart intent. When I say that she can be tricked, I am not talking about her being fooled about her own orientation. She’s not like that! I am talking about her being confused about something that’s actually very theologically complex like the possibility of reincarnation. A lot of scholars believe that it’s a simple yes or no type of question, and they would take it as obvious heresy. But I see her heart, and I know that that’s not what’s going on. She is questioning whether or not she is Scotia because she does bear a remarkable resemblance to every depiction of that particular person. She was not cloned, no she would’ve had to have been reincarnated. People need to stop assuming that just because something scares them that they know everything. Listen to your fear, but be wise. You’re afraid for a reason. But then let that guide you in searching for objective fact and truth. There could be no way that it’s possible for reincarnation to exist. But if that be the case that should be evident in the Scriptures. It might take time to find it, but then that’s where you have to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide you.
She has not felt safe searching for it herself. Even as she writes this, she’s fighting to breathe, coughing, controlling her breath, and trusting for me to save her. And there are people who refused to accept my authority who are both living and dead, and I can’t control them they have free will. John F Kennedy really doesn’t exist right now that’s not a misunderstanding on her part or jealousy or insecurity or whatever it is that you want to think it is. I made him cease to exist about a year ago. There are a lot of people both living and dead who can’t understand why I would do that because in their mind he’s a saint. but I had to do that because he was literally trying to murder her in her sleep, repeatedly and a sadistic, horrific way. When she experiences this era hunger, she feels nausea. She feels lightheadedness, and she struggles to control her swallowing and she doesn’t feel in control of her neck or head without fighting for control.  She forces herself to cough and clear her throat, and I help her with it because she’s not actually supposed to be struggling for her breath. There’s no genuine reason for it that she is creating herself within her own body psychologically spiritually or otherwise. 
There are a remarkable number of women and men both who have been homicidally jealous of her. They were jealous of her in a very insignificant sort of way, but then Jack Kennedy’s ghost spoke to their spirit and riled them up against her. And almost nobody wants to accept that possibility which is disgusting. Your massive, bizarre, homicidal, hateful jealousy towards her isn’t normal. Even if she is Scotia and you happen to find reincarnation in the Bible, she’s an unusually humble, meek beauty. She is dark. Her beauty is meek. Brown eyes, brown hair, incredibly beautiful, but there’s nothing that really stands out about it in a showy way. It’s a superior amount of beauty, but it’s not showy. It’s more like pete moss on a rock next to a babbling brook in Scotland with wildflowers, and some sort of creature eating from the brook. Mountains in the background, a beautiful soft sky overhead. Ethereal breathtaking beauty. But it’s not sharp beauty like you might see elsewhere. There is a sharpness to it if you get altitude sickness, or if you don’t like being out in nature, or if it’s a cold day and you take too deep of a breath of damp, cold air. And that’s pretty much all anyone has been doing for the last 30 years of her life to appreciate her. Taking incredibly sharp, deep breaths on a rainy, damp cold day. Stinging their lungs, making them shiver. That is not the proper way to appreciate her.
There are some people who may enjoy taking a deep breath on a damn cold day, but it’s not going to give you the same warm, gooey joyful experience as bathing on a sunny beach in southern France. It may produce that psychologically for some people, but for most people initially, at least you’re not going to fill a warms, and a sort of cozy lightness of being physically, so to speak metaphorically by taking a very deep breaths of cold, damp air.
‘Oh!’ you say ‘I see that she’s Edinburgh!’ and if there’s reincarnation, she is, indeed, Edinburgh. And even if she’s not Scotia, she still is that, that is her beauty. But she is bone chilling isn’t she?  See you’re supposed to enjoy her by ingratiating yourself into a warm, beautifully lit cottage in a woolen blanket, sipping good tea.  To some people like Lacey and Lem that sounds like Heaven. 
But to other people, that is not their idea of a good time. However, you cannot argue with the fact that that is beautiful, objectively. And then it is superior beauty, Edinburgh in on a rainy day in June is superior beauty. Edinburgh, on a rainy day in August is superior beauty. Even if it’s not your idea of beauty.
Until she researches it herself she may not be able to figure out if she’s Scotia sadly. And even then she may wonder. What she experienced physically in Penzance in 2012 was sexual contact physically with a ghost. How does that ghost contact her so vividly!? That ghost was actually Kirk Lemoyne Billings. I can guarantee you that I am God! You can question that you can test it in the Holy Spirit because I love you and I know that you can’t just assume that I am god saying this safely. But be assured that if Lem is speaking through this blog, and I am allowing that that he’s very serious about killing people if you keep harassing and violently attacking Lacey and his children and Mark, and anyone in his family of origin. As I was saying before, someone tried to suffocate her to death out of anger she doesn’t know how she experienced his ghost if there’s no reincarnation, necessarily. She thinks it’s possible but she thinks that it’s far more likely that he’s there somehow and so he’s able to manifest more easily. But she’s not making any theological assumptions and that’s good in this case.
He does not manifest as easily in America.
Whoever is attacking her, needs to quit, begging to cease to exist or be killed. I am not a joke and you’re not a clown.
She’s going to start to die if you don’t stop within the next 10 minutes and then it will be the end of the world. This blog is not funny in that way.
Thank you Elon Musk for helping her if there’s an Illuminati. 
And that Laceys’s beauty is superior that is not something Bobby Kennedy Junior can handle. He is homicidally jealous of her because she’s a superior human to him.
All right well she’s collecting her breath a bit. I hope that the US Senate is aware that assuming something is safe is incredibly stupid. I would like to mention challenge her.
You are not God, believe it or not.
Quit challenging Lacey because you assume that her superiority being pointed out to you because you choose to willfully ignore it is her challenging you. And I am not easily going to let her die in such a disgusting way I would consider letting her die while she makes love with Lem. She is very graphic on this blog for a reason. when she was making love with him about two or three weeks ago she literally saw a black hole open up in front of her where his body may very well have been in a sentence over her and she started to notice that the black hole was growing and overtaking her view of everything around her. That actually happened. He was trying to consider bringing her to her death. That actually happened. This is real. This is not fiction. She could have literally died while making love to him. They were coming close to having a mutual, profound orgasm. And he’s dead. When two living people orgasm together, they become one in a very beautiful poetic, profound sense. Or that’s the idea of it, and the more you are aware of it, and the more you embrace it, or can embrace it a child never can but an adult cat who is consenting the more you embrace it the more I love that you are the more it actually speaks to me About the validity of your love and being God, I start to wonder if you should be eternally One like Adam and Eve were before the fall of man. Not one like you cease to exist, one in a way that is astounding philosophically, and unbelievably beautiful, and the truest sense of beauty. They were reaching a point like that but he’s dead. And so he could have taken her out of her body and literally brought her to him to finish the union and make them one as the man. He had that capacity and he was beginning that process in his state of passion and love for her. But he hesitated because of their kids and so she stopped. Ultimately, I guided his heart and made the decision to stop him. But I could choose otherwise, and allow them to die, while making love. That is my right. I am God not you.
Trying to get her to suffocate on your demons of anxiety and fear over your inferior sense of self, and a narcissistic deflation at the realization that Lem was straight and you’ve been delusional since you were a child is not an honorable way for a woman like her to die. If she did die, that way you would regret ever being born. I promise you that. 
What if you made a child conjure that against her I would protect the child to a point. And that I might let the child die for their own good. What child slave is being used to attack a woman who cares about them more than you? I know. And for their own good, I may find a way to kill them. 
Getting back to her beauty it’s like a rainy day in Scotland whether or not there’s reincarnation. That is superior beauty, that is rare beauty. But it’s very humble. It’s very meek. And trying to turn it into a sunny day at the beach in San Tropez is comical, at best.
Part of the reason Lacey found Casi Hart’s indictment of her humorous at first is because of this. Her beauty isn’t St. Tropez in May. Casi Hart was attacking Lacey like she was some Heaven beauty of St. Tropez.  Lacey is not St. Tropez Casi. And in her humility and sense of self that is very healthy and very self-aware she was confused and amused that you had mistaken her.
Scotland…near Balmoral…isn’t St. Tropez…but as Queen Elizabeth II can attest to…it’s vastly preferable…TO HER. REALLY. SHE PREFERS IT. …SO DOES LACEY. So does Lem. …Actually so does Philip. …Casi that does not make them lesbians. They appreciate St. Tropez! But…the beauty of a misty day in Scotland is…GRAND. Just as grand as St. Tropez. …There’s nothing wrong with loving the French Riviera! But it was ODD to…copy…muddy boots and the smell of cow manure…to imitate Zelda tanning on the beach in her swimsuit in the late 1920’s. And so….yes…Lacey knew you all envied her…but…in her real self-awareness and humility…she couldn’t figure out why you were covering yourselves in poop. It might seem more snobby…in a way…her genuine confusion and disdain for your choice of poop…but…that’s not what she’s feeling or intending necessarily at all.
In St. Tropez you have way too many tourists. In rural Scotland you have cow poop. …In your imitation, which is already based on a false premise, why…slather yourself in cow poop? Out of all the ways to imitate her. Why that!? She genuinely assumed you weren’t absolute idiots. So why!? Why slather yourself in poo? A lot of what you all imitated were aspects of herself that she accepts but doesn’t enjoy. Like cow poop.” says God.
“Because we assumed that was her.” says Nancy.
“It’s part of her. But it’s not her.” says God.
“The rest of it was too…meek. And…dour. Or…stuffy.” says Casi.
“Ahh. But that’s the beauty of Scotland.” says God.
“Why imitate her at all?” says Prince Philip.
“Because we were wowed by Scotland. And we hated feeling powerless to be able relate.” says Nancy.
“I assumed she’s St. Tropez because I didn’t realize Scotland isn’t just a lesbian paradise…metaphorically speaking.” says Casi. “I didn’t understand that straight women could go fox hunting.”
“That’s sad.” says God.
“What did I do like poop!?” says Nancy.
“Shopping at Scully & Scully. That’s a great store. But…it’s sad. Everything is extremely expensive. And a lot of it is…cliche. …Even if I love it! …It’s also online. …I love that store, don’t get me wrong. It’s just…also quite sad.
Wearing your jeans rolled up the way I did. It’s not that fashionable. It wasn’t. I did it because I’m slightly petite. You’re tall. I did it thoughtlessly out of reasons of practicality. You did it because I looked chic doing it because I’m me. …It looked okay. But…it was moronic.
And falling in love with F. Scott Fitzgerald? He’s brilliant. I know! But…I don’t have a choice. That’s an ugly part of my life. I fall in love with fascinating men! Sure! Cows are ADORABLE. Great creatures! But…it’s poo. …Unless you’re sexually aroused by supernatural phenomena…WHY!? …If Lem was an upper class, unknown guy who went to Choate who was alive right now…in a very similar family…and we just minded our own business…happily…and most people didn’t hear about us until Heaven…I WOULD BE HAPPIER. To be with him. In the same realm. Why…imitate THAT!?” says Lacey.
“Because I didn’t know.” says Casi.
“Casi! You didn’t do those things! Nancy did!” says Lacey.
She shakes her head.
“Nancy did.” says God.
Casi fumes. Pouts.
“Casi! You didn’t do those things!” says a perfume collector.
“SHUT-UP!!” she yells. “JUST SHUT-UP!!”
“No!” says God. “You were not…her only hater.”
“What did Nancy imitate?” says Casi, slightly laughing.
“Reread it!” says a Scotsman.
“Why not wear your jeans in a flattering way? Why not…work on your marriage? Or find someone alive? …There’s no reason to imitate my sad state!” says Lacey.
“OH FUCK!!” says one of her haters, realizing she’s right. They do look like morons.
Casi cackles.
A Black man stares suspiciously at Casi. “No…cause see…if there’s reincarnation…this bitch be lying. She KNEW what she doing! Y’all got punked!”
“Shh.” says Casi.
“Right!” says Elon.
“Casi that’s mean!” says one of Lacey’s haters.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!” says Casi. “Go prove reincarnation is in the Bible first. Then come at me! Otherwise…” says Casi. *she shrugs*
“Casi! You made people imitate her! And you knew we’d look REALLY DUMB.” says a woman in New Jersey. “Listen…if there’s reincarnation…I KNOW YOU. …WHY!??”
“How did I make people do it?” says Casi.
“Ahh…” says the woman throwing around her hands.
Casi stares.
“You know what you did!” she says to Casi.
Casi remains silent.
“How’d she do it?!??” says Helena to the Black man.
“She…said things…that indicated to A LOT OF PEOPLE…that Lacey was vulnerable in ways she isn’t. …It’s complicated. But…I think Casi has a presence. People hate her. But they also follow her. She’s dominant. So…y’all listen to her. Because she’s obstinate and LOUD. …And you HEAR HER. …So if she lies…then…” he says.
“I didn’t…want…to be with Scott…but I LOVED the idea of me being with him. It made me feel…posh. And sexy. And intelligent.” says Nancy.
“But that’s not what I was doing.” says Lacey.
“No. She’s actually partially dead.” says God about Lacey.
“And in Purgatory?” says the Pope.
“YES.” says God. “She hears me saying yes, right now.”
Casi laughs.
Later.
“Is Lacey aroused by spiritual beings?” says a male reader.
“NO!” says God. “She’s aroused by men who are now dead but once were not. If they were alive…she’d have no interest at all in even talking to the dead. There’s a difference between being trapped as she is…and being aroused by ghosts.”
“So it’s subpar?” says a witch.
“It’s…better than nothing. And it’s better to be with men who she genuinely loves and is loved by. In a normal way. But…it’s certainly not preferable. She’d rather be happily married to a living man.” says God.
A reader laughs.
“So they really are just imitating her poop?” says a reader.
“Mostly. Yes.” says God.
“Why did you think she was rolling her pant’s cuffs?” asks a woman in Scotland.
“Because she’s…cute. …I thought it was cute and classy. Like contemporary prep.” says Nancy.
“Cute!?” says a Scottish woman.
“Yeah…like…cute?” says Nancy.
“Is she smaller than you!?!” says the woman from Scotland.
Nancy pouts and cries. “SO WHAT!?” she says.
“She’s SMALLER! NOT CUTE!” yells the Scottish woman.
“FUCK YOU!!” yells Nancy.
The woman is shocked. “WOW! You’re a bitch!” she says.
“What!?!” says Nancy.
“I said, ‘You’re a bitch!’” says the Scottish woman.
Nancy thinks. Looks awkward. Smiles weirdly.
“This is our ammo!?!” scoffs Governor Tim Walz to the DNC. “Their energy!??!”
Bobby Kennedy Junior nods. “Yeah. You guys…are…poor.” he says matter-of-factly.
“Piss poor!” says Peter Thiel.
“I have NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY TO THAT!!!” says Nancy.
“TO WHAT!?” yells the woman in Scotland.
“Yeah. …Lacey’s not…Irish. But…I had a gut sense.” says Bobby. “It’s a bad idea to pick a real fight with certain people. …Yeah! I’m cruel. Yeah, I’ve tried to kill her. But…she fights back. …Some people are just like that!”
“Yeah. I’d fight from the grave!” says Lacey.
“So would I!” says Elon Musk.
“Okay, bitches!” Nancy says to the woman in Scotland and Lacey with a Valley Girl accent.
“Oh! We’re not bitches.” says the woman in Scotland.
“I LIKED SCOTT!” she says.
“Then what’s the problem?” says Lacey.
“You didn’t like it!” says Nancy.
“No! That’s not what happened.” says Lacey.
Nancy shrugs. “Look…I had no idea what I was doing. I was just stupidly imitating you.” says Nancy.
“Then why do you expect us to like it!??” says the woman in Scotland.
“I assumed she’d be intimidated. Seeing ME do what she does. Because I AM ME.” says Nancy.
“You’re not better than her though. So that’s psychotic and stupid.” says the woman in Scotland.
“Exactly!” says Lacey.
“Well…I gambled that I was.” says Nancy.
“That was DUMB.” says the woman in Scotland.
“Whatever. I’m…a model.” says Nancy, crying.
“She’s vastly better looking than you!” says a professional modeling expert.
“I ANALYZED IT…DIFFERENTLY.” says Nancy.
“You lied to yourself. You made a fool of yourself!” he says.
“Am I that pretty?” says Nancy crying.
“NO!!” he shouts. “YOU ARE NOT!!”
“Come on!!” says Nancy, whining, in a panic.
“NO! You’re PATHETIC!!” he shouts.
She shakes her head no. She smiles.
“Look…you’re kind of pretty. But it’s nothing special. Even with your plastic surgery.” he says. “Lacey’s…a ten naturally. You’re a…five naturally. And a seven…you’re a seven…with plastic surgery.”
She thinks. “Can you tell I’ve had surgery?”
“YES!!” he yells.
She pouts and shakes her head no.
“I’m sorry. That’s reality.” he says.
“OKAY!” she says whining and crying.
“Nancy! Just be a fucking seven!” says the CIA.
She thinks. Takes a deep breath. Closes her eyes.
“Scott possibly found you attractive anyway.” says Lacey. “Do you still talk to him!?!?”
Hemingway laughs.
“Yeah. …Or was that just a big show to imitate Lacey?!?” says Zelda.
Nancy looks awkward.
“Why did you do this!?!?” yells one of Lacey’s neighbors at Nancy. “It’s SO STUPID!!”
Nancy cries.
“She is humble.” says another one of her neighbors.
Nancy shakes her head no silently and repeatedly.
“Why no?” says Louis Hill Junior.
“So you guys think…your WEALTH…is just…like…ordinary!??” says Nancy to Louis Hill Junior.
“YES!!!” yells Louis Hill Senior.
“But it’s not.” she says.
“You’re right. …But it’s also ordinary. In a sense. We all die. …We all get colds. We all…share the same Earth. …We’re all just mere mortals. …And so when you look at it that way…it’s impressive…but it’s not…magical. …We think you think our wealth is magic. And…if there’s an Illuminati…they indulge in magic. But…the wealth itself isn’t magic. It’s just wealth.” he says. “The class differences do matter. …And we could finally discuss those. But the wealth itself…isn’t all that…much.”
She thinks. “I was trying to impersonate being Old Money. By rolling up my pants.” she says.
He nods. “But that’s not how it works.”
She thinks.
“And why Scotland?” says Queen Elizabeth II. “Why not St. Tropez? How much did you even like the poop?”
“I liked…parts of it. But…to be honest…I liked…my own style better.” says Nancy.
Queen Elizabeth II nods.
“I picked Lacey…for a reason!!!” says Diego.
“Was I part of that!??” says Nancy.
He nods. “YES!!!”
“Why!?” says Nancy.
He laughs. “You are so embarrassed by our people.” He thinks. “Which is common. But…it was weird to chose Lacey to impersonate. There are so many more logical people to imitate! SO MANY.”
“She has brown eyes.” says Nancy.
“Yeah. And Scott is HOT! But…what about…women with thicker hair? Who are blonder? And…physically bigger. Like…taller? …Why not Vanessa Trump? Actually yes! Why not Vanessa? She’s…a model. And she’s right in between Old Money and New Money. You could have easily imitated her. Convincingly. …Pretended to be her type of money. A former model. Who settled down. …Copied her billionaire wife style. WHY LACEY!?” says Diego.
“It’s SO POSH!” says Nancy.
“But you look so different. …And it’s so white!” says Diego. “You are German? So…I guess there’s that. But…still. …It’s just WEIRD.
Like…it’s like turning your McMansion in a suburban cul-de-sac into a $3 million cottage in the Cotswolds. It’s WEIRD. …I mean chic reference! But…WHY!? …Vanessa…is…a new beach house in Florida. It’s not as impressive. I’m a way. But…come on!!
And the fact that you…chose the cottage…told me A LOT. You don’t think you are worth SHIT. …And yet you feel better than EVERYONE.” says Diego. “To an insane degree. And then you do witchcraft!?? Right!?! So…I knew we could use you. …You would work.”
“To end the world!?” says her husband.
“YAH! That’s right WHITE BOY!” says Diego.
“You think I married him to be white!?” says Nancy.
“OBVIOUSLY!!” says Diego. “You are constantly ‘self-improving.’”
“Well tell Scott I’m sorry!” says Nancy.
“Tell him yourself!!” yells Zelda.
“Oh shit.” says Casi. “Nancy…why can’t you try to be humble?”
“WHO EVEN AM I!??” yells Nancy.
“You’re not us!” says a Scottish woman.
“What’s wrong with being us!?” says Vanessa Trump to Nancy. “I can pull.”
“She can! I couldn’t resist her.” says Joe Kennedy Junior.
“True.” says Donald Trump Junior. “She can pull.”
“See! Girl, you don’t even know!!!” says Diego to Nancy.
“I have a rich person’s house now!” says Nancy crying.
Diego nods. “You feel better!??”
She thinks. She shrugs.
“Yeah. See…it’s easier to hate her…and try to be Scottish…than to deal with reality. …I KNOW!! …You feel so ashamed. …But…I’m proud. …Our culture is…AMAZING!! It’s older. …It’s AMAZING. …And it’s ours. *he shrugs* …I hope someday…you can be proud of being yourself.” he says. “It’s not…gonna win a superiority contest. But you have to be loyal to the team. …Just because we aren’t at the Superbowl doesn’t mean you should stop wearing our colors. You know??? …So when we do win…it’s SWEET.” he says.
“I’m white too.” she says.
“Okay. …Then you loose. Because girl…you’re poor German. She’s RICH. …You’d be better off just…being…Hispanic.” says Diego.
“Why?” says Nancy.
“Because…that part of your heritage…is actually the better part. If you’re in a pissing contest! That’s…better.” says Diego.
“Not better than her?” she says.
“No. But that side is more prestigious.” he says.
“In general?” she says.
“Yes.” he says. “If you’re determined to make your whole life about being better than other people?”
“But it’s lowly overall?” she says.
“SO WHAT!??” he says.
“Lacey. I’m losing patience!” says the woman in Scotland. “Let’s go!! She’s EXASPERATING!”
“God bless you!” Lacey says to Nancy.
“Goodbye for now.” says Lem.
Later.
“Here’s my problem with you, Lacey.” says a Hispanic woman. “You are better than me. FINE! …But you’re not better than me. You know?”
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“Then I think I’m the one with the problem.” she says.
“Am I holier than you too?” says Lacey.
She thinks. “Maybe.” she says, sadly. “But…that isn’t what I mean.”
“Then what’s the problem!??” says Lacey.
“You seem…cold.” she says.
“Why are you in my face!?” says Lacey. “I don’t know you.”
She thinks. “I’m sorry.” she says.
Lacey blinks. “What’s your problem!?” says Lacey, sincerely.
“We aren’t on good terms.” she says.
“I DON’T KNOW YOU!” says Lacey.
She thinks. “WHY!?”
“I don’t know!!!!” says Lacey, indignantly.
She thinks. She smiles at Lacey.
“I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!” says Lacey.
She drops her smile. Nods silently.
“I wish you no harm! …I just don’t know you.” says Lacey.
She thinks. “Well.” she says.
Lacey thinks.
She blinks.
They stand together in silence.
“I’m sorry we don’t know each other.” she says.
“Well I’m not sure one way or another!!! …I don’t know you!!” says Lacey, pleadingly.
She thinks. Panics. Smiles politely at Lacey.
Lacey smiles politely back.
She panics more.
“Lacey. …If there’s reincarnation…I really don’t think you’re supposed to be here.” she says.
“Well…is there reincarnation?” says Lacey.
“Very true!” she says.
They stand in silence.
“Too bad you’re not seeing America when my people ran it.” she says.
“Oh! I bet it was…beautiful.” says Lacey.
She thinks. “It also made sense.”
Lacey thinks.
“All the tribes!” says Lacey.
She smiles and nods.
“Oh! Yes. That is very logical.” says Lacey.
She almost cries. Nods.
“Funny how they didn’t really notice?” says Lacey. “Or did they?”
She thinks. “Maybe they did.”
“Regional. Sports teams. …I think they did in a way! But…they never quite…fashioned the concept.” says Lacey.
“YES!!” she says. “So…tribes worked. Because then we could all…separate off.”
“Too bad.” says Lacey.
“Yes. I mean we did it for hundreds of years!” says the woman.
“Is it too late!???” says a Native American man.
“No. And yes.” she says. “I’d tell you this: If you went to a reservation Lacey…it’d be harder to try to suffocate you.”
“Fascinating.” says Lacey.
“Well…thank you for chatting.” she says.
“Thank you!!!” says Lacey.
Later.
“Lacey…I don’t understand your hatred for her!” says living British woman to Lacey.
“I don’t hate her!!” says Lacey.
“Oh.” she says.
Lacey waits.
Then she freaks out.
Lacey waits.
“You seemed cold.” says another British woman.
“Well…then that’s my problem.” says Lacey.
They go quiet.
“We don’t hate you!” they say.
“Not true!” says Lacey smiling. “You’re IDIOTS possibly. …What is your problem?”
“I’m a LADY!” says the woman.
“YEAH RIGHT!” says Lacey. “Was your grandfather a valet?”
“Yes.” she says.
“Ahh. It shows.” says Lacey. “You’re very uppity.”
“We thought you were Jack Kennedy reincarnated.” she says.
“Your ass you did! You’re an ugly twat. A shallow butch bitch. That’s all, you toad!” says Lacey.
She cries.
“What!? You’re a jackass!” says Lacey. “Go lick your wounds now, you meaningless twiddy.”
“I’m OLD!” she says.
“Oh get a clue!! I’m obviously not hateful. You’re being an enormous bitch!” says Lacey.
“Okay.” she says. “Is his energy attacking you right now through me?”
“YES!! Duh!” says Lacey.
She thinks. “Yeah. Okay.” she says.
“Well!?!?” says Lacey.
She thinks. “Ha! I found it!” she says. “I found where you end and he begins.”
“Be careful!” says Lacey. “I’m not sure you did. BE CAREFUL!”
“Oh! I’ve been doing this in the Illuminati for years!” she says.
“Still…be careful.” says Lacey.
“You saw it too, spiritually.” she says.
“YES. Except she’s right. You’re taking away from her spirit. And giving way too much credit to JFK. Lacey’s a real person!” says Lem. “Not just cardboard.”
She nods.
“Well…that’s not funny.” she says to Lacey.
“What are you talking about??” says Lacey, considering getting a cocktail or ice cream.
“You’re…so…British.” she says, with suspicion.
“OH FUCK YOU!!” says Lacey. “Prove there isn’t reincarnation. Then…I’ll be really worried about my own mind. …Until then…I have no idea what to say to you.”
“She’s right.” says God. “You’re attacking her.”
“YES! And now she’s hurt I’m defending myself!?? PATHETIC!” says Lacey.
“I didn’t think you were JFK at first.” she says.
“Oh really!? …WHY ARE YOU FORCING ME TO CARE!??” yells Lacey.
“I thought that…after…they convinced me to.” she says.
“Why are you so gullible!??” says Lacey.
“I’ll tell you…” she says. Then she just cries.
“Go cry a river!!” yells Lacey. Silence. “I don’t hate you!! Just GET OVER IT!!” yells Lacey.
“I’m the crass one.” she says.
“BINGO BITCH!” says Lacey.
She slightly smiles. “You know…it’s true. Without honor…these titles mean nothing.”
Lacey gets quiet. “I’m not going to respond to that. It’s too true. I don’t want to ruin it.”
“Well…if there’s an afterlife…I’ll be…optimistic.” she says, as an atheist.
“I’ll pray for you.” says Lacey.
“Why is she still smiling!??” she yells at someone.
“I’m sure she’s contemplated the possibility of no afterlife.” explains someone from the BBC.
“She has!” says Lem.
“YOU AREN’T REAL!!!” she yells, manifesting a demon she stupidly believes is “energy”.
“It’s not a demon! IT’S HATRED!” she yells.
“Then why does it have a face!?” says Lem.
She thinks. Rubs her forehead. Sighs.
“Did you two really have sex!? In Penzance!?” she says.
“YES!!!” says Lem.
“Was it good!?” she says.
Lacey bites her bottom lip.
“It was okay. We’ve since had better.” says Lem. “But she felt it. As if I was alive.”
She thinks.
“No. I’m not real at all.” says Prince Philip, mockingly.
“Oh shit! She can’t be real!” she says to someone. “I knew Pat!!”
“So what!?” says Lem.
“True.” she says.
“Her father…isn’t a street sweeper!” says Queen Camilla.
“DAMMIT!!” yells the woman. “DAMMIT!!!”
Later.
“Where are the people who should protect Lacey?” asks a reader.
Silence.
More silence.
Later.
ZALOR TREVA (Sped Up) Phonkha plays.
“I think I figured it out.” says Lacey.
Lem takes a deep breath.
She smiles.
“It’s BRILLIANT.” she says.
“What?” says Lem.
“Is President Donald Trump…playing Israel?” says Lacey.
1:00
The Middle East perks up their telepathic ears.
“He’s supposed to be anti-Semitic…and yet not.” says Lacey. “I think he’s playing Israel.”
Lem thinks.
“He knows this will never work! …HE KNOWS THAT! …But he’s got Israel going.” says Lacey.
Lem thinks.
“See…this way…RUSSIA…has…a free path. …To doing whatever it wants. …And that’s a far more concerning internal issue. …I think he wants out. I think he’s driving the US into Isolationism.
He’s EMBARRASSING US INTENTIONALLY!” says Lacey. “He’s playing them.”
“Why?” says Lem.
“Because he’s mad. We’ve given SO MUCH MONEY TO ISRAEL. SO MUCH. …And…this way…he can make Israel responsible. By taking us out of it. They won’t take us seriously anymore. …So…they’ll have to rely on Russia. And China.
And…Israel will have our money. But…we can wash our hands of it.” says Lacey.
“WHAT IF HE IS!?” yells Donald Trump Junior at Lacey.
“Everyone is playing into it so perfectly.” says Lacey.
“YEAH!” yells Donald Trump Junior.
“So…my only concern is…how much are we screwing over Israel?!?” yells Lacey.
“I agree.” says King Charles III.
“Well…I mean…it’s not a terrible idea.” says a leader of Hamas, trying to be kind. “It’s really more about where to send the Palestinians.”
“Yeah. …I’m sure he actually could make it…really luxurious.” says Lacey.
“Actually we could.” says Donald Trump Junior.
“But…it’s an issue of where to send the people.” says Lacey.
“I’m not mad at Israel!” yells Tsar Putin.
The leader of Hamas nods.
“You’re just afraid we’ll take it from the US?” says Ben.
“DUH!!” yells the leader of Hamas.
“And where will we put all the people!?” yells Lacey.
“YEAH! That too.” yells Saudi Arabia.
“Well…I mean…I liked the idea.” says Ben, looking sad.
“WHY!?” yells Hamas.
He looks honestly disappointed. I’ll mom are Ed
The leader of Hamas glares at him.
He stares at the ground looking incredibly sad.
“It’s exciting.” says an Israeli businessman.
A leader of Hamas rolls his eyes.
“DO YOU CARE ABOUT US AT ALL!?” he yells, hurt.
Ben looks at him, concerned. “YES!!” he yells.
“WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WE’D GO!?” yells Hamas.
Ben shrugs his shoulders. “I mean the idea was to make you happy.”
“HOW!?” yells the leader of Hamas. “HOW THE FUCK…DID YOU SEE THAT!??”
Ben laughs. “It’s part of the plan.”
“ARE YOU SERIOUS!??” yells a leader of Hamas.
“Yeah.
The idea was to make you comfortable somewhere else!?” says Ben.
“LIKE JEWS IN THE HOLOCAUST!??” yells Hamas.
Ben stares at him.
ZALOR TREVA by Phonkha plays.
Benjamin keeps staring.
“You put us in a POLISH GHETTO!??” yells Hamas.
Benjamin Netanyahu looks almost angry.
“I THINK NOT!!!” yells Hamas.
The song ends.
ZALOR TREVA (Slowed) by Phonkha plays.
“WHY DID YOU FALL FOR IT!??” yells Hamas.
“I want to the the war.” says Benjamin Netanyahu, very grimly.
Hamas throws a glass on the ground. Screams. And then folds it’s arms over it’s chest. Cries.
“See. You can get along. …Why not make it profitable?” says Donald Trump.
“You cannot be serious!” says Hamas.
“I mean…we’d need to move people. Because we’d have a lot of infrastructure to build.” says Donald Trump.
“But you can’t move people like that!” says Hamas, sincerely.
“HA!!! YOU FELL FOR IT TOO!!” yells President Donald Trump.
Hamas looks stunned.
Clair de Lune by Debussy plays next.
“So you want out?” says Hamas.
“Look…we can’t afford to keep this up.” says President Donald Trump. He shrugs. “We care-“
“YOU’RE GIVING AWAY…AMERICAN POWER!?” says Hamas, in disbelief.
“NO! …I just don’t think…it’s…in our best interest to be policing you both. …And…I have lots of concern for my people.” says President Donald Trump.
Hamas nods.
“What do you want us to do with this publicly? Like officially?” asks Pakistan.
President Donald Trump takes a deep breath.
“Well…this is her opinion.” says Trump.
Hamas cries. “We can’t give up Gaza.”
“I know.” says Trump. “But the war is exhausting you both.”
“NOBODY IS GOING TO SUPPORT YOUR IDEA!” says Hamas.
Silence.
“How am I the only one who figured this out!?” says Lacey.
“YEAH!!!” yells MSNBC.
“We have to take you seriously!” says Hamas.
“I am serious! I would genuinely do it!” says President Trump. “I don’t say empty words!”
“It’s a long-shot. It’s a gamble. …But…if it doesn’t make sense…then…I guess we’re in deep shit.” says Israel.
“YOU ARE!!” yells Lem. “You really are!!! …What’s my thought? …Even if he could do it…finding support will be extremely difficult. …I’m heartbroken for you.” says Lem to Israel.
“Are you warning us?” says Israel.
“AS FAST AS I CAN!!!” yells Lem.
“And yet…it works out for us too.” says Hamas. “I just want to know what to say.”
“He’s still publicly expressing his alliance with us.” says Israel.
“YES! That’s how it works.” says Lem.
“This is so much what he’s doing!” says George Bush Senior.
“SHIT!!!” yells Israel.
Later.
“I have to confess…I am more focused on Mexico.” says Donald Trump. “I’ve got a serious problem there. And that’s ON MY BORDER. That is MY PRIORITY.”
Tsar Putin nods in understanding.
Later.
“Why is Mexico so important!? That you’re willing to screw over Israel!?” yells a Republican at Trump.
“HAVE YOU SEEN OUR BORDER!? RECENTLY!?” yells Trump. “I can’t be GOD! I’m not omnipresent.”
“What the fuck do you expect me to do!?” yells Benjamin Netanyahu.
Lacey laughs. With love.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do!?” yells Netanyahu.
“Wait. I’m so confused…how does this affect Ukraine!?” says a Hollywood star.
“Because I’m affecting our stock price, metaphorically speaking. I’m driving down our value. For the time being. People will forget. But what’s important right now is to bow out. Because I need to focus on Mexico! AND Putin needs us distracted so he can win. Frankly. …If this is a real conversation…we’re secretly good friends. And…I support him because I know he’s fighting Ukraine over child slavery.” says Trump. “So…I have to give him room. …And right now the Liberals are so…distracted…that I can slip him under the rug. So to speak. It’s an old war. The one with Ukraine. It’s not as sexy as my Gaza Strip Plans.
You see?” says Donald Trump.
“So…what now? If this is a real conversation? What now?” she says.
He shrugs. “Israel has been warned. And I guess that was important to Lem Billings. To warn them. …Lacey figured it out…however…he somehow told her. …I think he figured it out first. Smart man! …And…I have a feeling, unfortunately, that they won’t know what to do. Or what to say. It’ll be fun to see what they invent.” says Donald Trump. “Bless their hearts.”
Later.
“Do you worship Satan?” asks a woman of Lacey and Donald Trump.
“I HOPE NOT!!” says Lacey.
“Listen…if I do…it’s not…sincerely.” says Donald Trump. “It’s bullshit to me. It’s to protect myself from other people.”
“But you don’t!?” she says to Lacey.
“No.” says Lacey.
“She also found us. By accident.” explains Stephen Colbert.
Lacey laughs
“Is that why you attack her?” asks the reader.
Helena Bonham Carter says no. So does Putin. So does China. So does North Korea.
“We disagree!” says North Korea.
“Some Americans do.” says Stephen Colbert.
“And so…she could be SOCTIA. …And you all are attacking her…because she refuses to worship Satan!?” says the woman.
“Yup. That’s the idea.” says a man.
“I disagree with them.” says Putin.
“But we’re supposed to be a Christian Nation!?!” she says.
Trump nods.
“It became atheist. In the 1960’s.” says Putin. “After Kennedy.”
“So what are you guys going to do with Israel!?” says a reader.
“Well…-“ says Putin, smiling.
“WAIT!” says the woman. “Why though!? Why can’t she worship God in the US!?”
“Yes.” says Putin.
“So you guys aren’t controlled by the Jews!?” she says.
“NO!” says China.
“They don’t control us either.” says Black Rock. “They’re very powerful! But they’re not the only show on stage.”
“So is she being attacked by Jews!??” she says.
“NO! We have attacked her. But…also not.” says Israel. “She’s very neutral in regard to Israel. As much as she can be as a Christian.”
“So who’s attacking her!??” says the woman.
“THE PERFUME COMMUNITY!” yells a perfume hater.
“Ahh…hateful Americans mostly.” says Stephen Colbert.
“WHY!??” says the woman. “WHY!??”
Elliott Roosevelt smirks. “Good question!!” he says.
Stephen Colbert looks uncomfortable. “I know why.” he says. He jokingly raises his hand.
“Why!??” she says.
“Welp.” says Stephen Colbert. “It’s like this: we hate her.
Why do we hate her? …Because she’s…
*he shrugs*
…The Russians assure us that we’re crazy. …Putin grew-up poor. Right!? REALLY POOR. And he’s made love with her. …They get along really well. …And so he thinks I’m CRAZY. And…to be honest…there are many camps. But one camp says that she’s poor and so was he. And they’re both…beneath us. Like…stupid peasants.
But…as popular as that actually was…when he started the war…and scared everyone alive shitless…we stopped assuming he was stupid. Because US military was…taken aback…by him. …They didn’t think he’d actually do it. …He’s a poor loser who’s just pretending. Right? So…they are still scratching their heads about it. …I mean they know he’s smart…but they didn’t expect him to be…like…wise. And knowing.
His grasp of history…is…creepy. …Which brings me to the other camp. …It’s kinda glamorous. So…I’m not going to lie…I like this one. But I’m slightly Catholic (Shh don’t tell anyone) so…I doubt it. But…anther camp is that they’re both reincarnated. …Alexei Romanov and Scotia. And…so…she’s like…20 years older than him…or 25? But…she’s hot…and Lem died…and came back and fell in love with Jack or let everyone think that…so…it’s cool. …He’s like…a king. And she’s…a cougar Scottish aristocrat. EXCEPT…since it’s reincarnation…he’s older than her. So…maybe she’s not the cougar. Maybe…they’re roughly the same age now. AND…they’re both adults anyway.
He’s married and so is she to Lem. But…they think alike. And…very few people can figure either of them out. But they can totally read each other. …I don’t believe in reincarnation. However…if this is a real conversation…I do watch the conspiracy theorists talk about us…and…honestly…we do look A LOT like some dead people. …And I’m not a lizard person. But…I’m worried at times too that there’s reincarnation.
There are some people who think…reincarnation is a given. In the Illuminati. We have TONS of people who believe that. …But…meh. I’m not really one of them.
…Cloning!? …Mmm. Maybe? …We aren’t fully aware. Some people seem to worry some of us can do it. …I doubt that but I can’t rule it out.
…I’ve never seen a lizard person though. There might be aliens! …For real! …And there are DEFINITELY ghosts. Almost DEFINITELY. …But…no lizard people. Sorry.” says Stephen.
“You’re hilarious.” she says.
“Thank you.” he says.
“Why don’t you think we’re cloning people!?” says a reader.
“Because the technology doesn’t seem to be there yet.” he says.
“Come on! There have to be lizard people!” she says.
“No. That’s…garbage. I’m sorry! …Maybe there were lizard people in some…movie. Or…maybe there are aliens who look like that!? But…no. As far as I know…there are no lizard people.” he says.
“What’s up with the weather?” she says.
“We can’t ultimately control the weather. Okay? However…I will admit…we have controlled some local weather. Not often. But it’s happened.” he says.
“Does it backfire?” she says.
“Yes!! Which is why it’s not that popular. It’s not all that different than anything else we tamper with.” he says.
“Like the gut!?” she says.
“EXACTLY!” he says.
“Okay. …So it’s funny how boring this actually does get. By just openly discussing it.” she says.
He thinks.
“You guys…she knew I’d not care. If there’s reincarnation. If she told me in this way. …And…I’m intrigued by her. But…I wish you all hadn’t been so toxic. …I was too. I talked with her. But…you all have made things even worse.” she says.
“What intrigues you?” asks Putin.
“Why…is she…repressing poor people!?” she says.
“Because you all, possibly, brutally attacked us.” says Putin.
“Yeah. You shot his whole family. If there’s reincarnation. …And I think…she did get somewhat bullied by you all. Still would be if she didn’t defend herself.” says Roger Ebert. “I mean…COME ON!”
“Yeah. She’s…still fighting for her life.” says a dead man.
“Why did we do this to her?” asks the woman.
“Ahh. How’s this: Jack Kennedy.” says Stephen Colbert.
“I don’t get it.” she says.
“Okay. So…we’re his army. …We are his hands and feet and ears and eyes and mouths…in the fallen world. We hurt her…on his behalf. Why!? Because…we’re supposedly…being protected by him. …He’s supposed to be our…heroic dead leader. A victim of the evil upper class. …And…so…we attack her…because we get the feeling…that we should.” says Stephen Colbert.
“How does he convince us of that!?” yells a Gen. Z man.
“He’s had us thinking that she’s…stupid, mean…annoying…evil…too good…or…any other myriad of things we hate.” says Stephen Colbert.
They think.
“So Lem was straight!?” says a Gen. Z guy, laughing.
“YES!!” yells Nicaragua.
“He’s not bisexual!?” he says.
“NOPE!” yells Nicaragua.
“Why does he look gay!?” he says.
“It’s an act in his case.” says Nicaragua.
“Oh my GOD!!” he says. “So did he ever hit on the Kennedy women?”
“He hit on Jackie. A little. And…he found Marilyn attractive!! …Joan not so much. Umm…he ran off forever with Lacey Banks. But…they’re twin flames anyway. So…” says Donald Trump.
“HE HIT ON JACKIE!??” says a woman.
Donald Trump nods. “Yup. Very casually. But…she rejected him. And…he wasn’t that into her.”
“Did he try to sleep with Marilyn!?” says a man.
“Noo…but…Jack figured out that he had thing for her. You know? So…he may have killed Marilyn because of that.” he says.
“And he ran off with Lacey Banks.” says a man.
“Yes. She’s apparently had a thing with Joe Junior. And…it’s weird. But…I’m also talking to you over a blog. …And yes, Lem stole her from Joe. …If you can even call it that.” says President Trump.
“So…he wasn’t really gay?” says a man.
“Correct.” says Trump.
“Oh my GOSH!” he says.
“Yup.” says Trump.
“Why do you tolerate Bobby?” says a woman.
“He’s…insightful. …And he offered his support so…I owe him. And…I can keep an eye on him. If he’s working for me.” says Trump.
“Let’s go to bed.” says Lem to Lacey.
“So you weren’t that into Jackie!?” says a reader to Lem.
“Not like Lacey! Jackie was…a lovely woman. But…she wasn’t exactly my type. …Marilyn was more my type. …Although I did have some fun with Jackie. She’s…artistic.” says Lem. “Not…like…some people. But…she at least appreciated it to some degree.”
“You liked Marilyn!?” says a man.
“I found her very attractive! …But…obviously not as much as Lacey. Ahh…not even enough to really try to sleep with her. …But…she’s my type. In a sense. Lacey is my type. But…they look slightly similar enough to say that…I think. …It’s a look.” says Lem.
“What gave you away?” he says. “To Jack.”
“My smile. …The look of silly awe in my face. …My open mouth with no…thought. …The way I just starred at her. Stupidly. Like I was frozen.” says Lem.
“Sounds about right!” says Donald Trump.
“Man! You looked stupid!” says man.
“You know…I did. But…I had a sad life. …Most women Jack was involved with weren’t that curvy. They tended to be like Jackie or Grace Kelly. Very rarely were they truly curvy. Or…sexy. Like…sexy. He slept with a few women like that. But…that wasn’t his norm. Audrey Hepburn was his norm. …He didn’t prefer curves. …I do. Especially like Lacey’s. …So…I was in awe of her. …Because he controlled my life. Pretty much right after I met him. …He was extraordinarily manipulative. …So…I guess if Lacey had been there…I’d have found Marilyn…glamorous. In a way. …But…not attractive anymore. …Love is like that. …But…I’d still recognize as I do…that she’s closer to Lacey than some women.” says Lem.
“How much is Melania like Lacey?” says Donald Trump.
“They’re quite similar.” says Lem.
“Yeah. I’m LUCKY!” says Trump.
“She’s our best looking First Lady!” says Lem.
Donald Trump smiles. “SHE IS!”
“Well…good night!” says Lem.
“Good night!” says Israel.
Lacey laughs.
“GOOD NIGHT!” says Lem.
And Lacey and Lem head off for bed.
Keen to Cross the Pond 