“It’s worth about $7,000.00.” says a dead man from Bentley & Skinner. “We’d sell it for that much easily.”
“That’s a respectable cocktail ring.” says Lacey.
“You know…it really is.” says God.
“God. By our standards…what counts?” asks a count.
“Well…anything above $500.00. Roughly. …And actually over $1,000,000.00 is excessive to the point of…possible perversity.” says God. “Even by your standards.”
“So an elite…could wear a ring worth $500…and you think…by our standards…it’s acceptable?” says Queen Camilla.
“YES!” says God.
She nods.
“What’s average?” asks Casi.
“$50,000.” says God. “Her ring actually is on the lower end. …But it’s still…very posh!”
“That’s what I thought!” says Lacey.
“What about her Cartier Tank?” asks Nancy.
“That’s…a collectible. It’s not meant for daily use. It’s a collectible.” says God.
“Makes sense!” says Princess Kate.
“I wear my Longines!” says Lacey.
God nods.
“It’s a Dolce Vita?” asks a Muslim.
“YES. It’s too big. But…it’s still elegant.” says Lacey.
He nods.
“Too bad!” he says.
“It’s fine!” says Lacey.
“Why not get a new one?” he says.
Lacey huffs.
He smiles.
“I hate dealing with salespeople.” says Lacey.
“Oh! Outside of Europe!” he says.
She thinks. “YES!” she says. “That’s true!”
“Buy one next time!” he says.
“I’ll think about it. Thank you.” she says.
“What a boring upper class life!” he says.
“Yes. Very.
I’m incredibly blessed!!
But…yes. Life without love is…not life. I’m thankful for my kids!!” says Lacey.
He thinks. “You’d hate being a billionaire too! Without love.” he says.
“I wonder if that’s as easy!” says Lacey.
He thinks. “NO! You’re right! Someone is bound to talk to you! …You have been able to be far more private than most billionaires.”
“Which I love! But…it’s…a cloistered life.” says Lacey. “Not that I’m not thankful!!”
“Hey! Casi what’s your knee-jerk reaction to that!!? LET’S HEAR IT!!!” yells a Republican.
“I’m still mad.” she says. She shrugs. “She’s the lucky one! NOT ME!!”
“to be honest, that was part of why I had empathy for her when I died, because I recognized personality similarities from nurture and nature, possibly both right next you would have to both that I could identify and relate to, and even love. you’d be surprised how loving people like her can be and that’s all I want to say.” says Pat Wilson.
Later.
“How bad is it?” says Casi.
“The ring!??!?” says Lem.
Casi fumes. Throws her hands up in the air.
“Dear GOD!” says Lacey.
“ANSWER!!!!” shrieks God at Casi.
She spits at Him.
He wraps his hands around her throat. Preparing to strangle her to death if necessary.
“DON’T” she yells like a victim,
“I AM GOD!!!” says God.
She bites His hand using a demon who works with her.
He patiently bats the demon away. Hands still around her throat.
She bites at His hand again.
He tightens His grip.
She pouts. She screams and pouts.
“AHHH!!!” screams Casi, defiantly of God. His hands still around her neck.
Later.
“SO! Let’s try!” says God.
Casi takes a deep breath.
“Lacey…I know you’re in a higher class than me. That’s not what bothers me.” says Casi.
Lacey waits in silence.
“What bothers me…is that…you’re lying. …You know Pendleton is considered posh. And you’re using that be hurtful.” says Casi.
“How am I doing that???” says Lacey.
“You’re intending to be hurtful.” says Casi.
“HOW!?” says Lacey.
Casi looks confused.
Lacey waits.
“She knows Pendleton is a good brand!” says Cyrus.
“Okay.” says Lacey, very seriously.
“It’s a good brand!!” says Bentley & Skinner to Lacey.
Lacey takes a deep breath, braces herself. “No! I think it is! …I could be wrong! But I think it still is.”
Lem laughs.
“But she’s using that to hurt people. Right!??” says Casi.
Lacey rolls her eyes. Lacey waits.
“Oh! You’re waiting for me!!?” says Lacey.
Casi nods.
“What exactly am I supposed to say!?” says Lacey.
“Lacey I think you’re using that hurt people!!” says Casi.
“Yes!! YOU DO! THANK YOU FOR REPEATING YOURSELF AGAIN!!” yells Lacey, exasperated.
“Umm.
Are you?” asks Casi.
Lacey sighs. Thinks. “Not necessarily!” says Lacey very stoically and calmly.
“Was I ever your friend?” says Casi.
Lacey takes a deep breath. “Yes and no? Possibly just no.” she says.
“You’re not attracted to women at all are you!?” says Casi, sadly.
“No!! No. I am not attracted to women.” says Lacey.
“At all!?!” says Casi.
“NOT AT ALL!!” says Lacey.
Casi exhales. Thinks. Rubs her forehead.
“We’re on two different pages. I thought you were attracted to me this whole time.” says Casi.
“That’s infuriating. Beyond human comprehension. But…okey dokey!” says Lacey. “GO ON!!”
“So…I’m relating to you…like you’re into me.” says Casi.
Lacey thinks. “Why are you being so bitchy?”
Casi thinks. “It’s supposed to be…alluring.”
“WHY!??” says Lacey.
“Because…you’re…like…showing interest…but not…being…too…easy.” says Casi.
“What’s wrong with being too easy!? I’m ALWAYS TOO EASY!” says Lacey.
Casi’s mouth hangs open.
“No! It’s a scam!
And I refuse to play along and make a fool of myself!
If I’m interested I’m interested. Why…lie about it!? If a man can’t handle that…he’s a child!” says Lacey. “And that’s GROSS.”
“She’s not joking.” says God.
“But then that’s really confusing to men believe it or not.” says Jonah Wiley.
“How STUPID.” says Lacey.
“And disappointing.” says Lem. “I’ve still had to chase her. …But…I have her for eternity.”
“He’s smarter than me. If he loves me that much. He’s smarter than me.” says Lacey.
“Are you faithful?” says Casi.
“YES!” says Lacey. “Unless you get me confused. But…as long as I can figure out what’s going on? YES.”
“And you aren’t loose?” says Casi.
“No. But I am for Lem.” says Lacey.
Lem smiles.
“Just Lem?” says a woman.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
Lem smiles.
“They’re together for eternity.” says God. “And they’ve gotten exhausted waiting for each other.”
“THANK YOU!!” says Lacey to God, in Christ.
“So you put out. EASY. But only for Lem.” says Bentley & Skinner.
“Yes. Close. …I’m really just…tired of waiting. …There are other men who can get with me…but it’s actually very difficult for others.” says Lacey.
“No! It’s IMPOSSIBLE!” says a man who tried. “SHE IS LIKE…IMPOSSIBLE!!!”
“That’s not what I imagined!” says Casi.
“GO ON!!” says Lacey.
“Umm…so…I thought…I was special to you.” says Casi.
“You were! But not in that way!” says Lacey.
Casi rolls her eyes.
“What’s wrong with having perfume quasi-friendships!??” says Lacey.
“I agree!” says an antique dealer.
“You’re…an airhead!” says Casi.
“No!! She’s NOT!” says Lem.
“Yeah. If anything you’re the airhead between us. To be blunt.” says Lacey to Casi.
“I’m not an airhead!!” says Casi.
“You seem like one.” says Lacey. “To be harsh.”
Silence.
Lacey waits. Hand on her holster, metaphorically speaking.
“Umm…how!?” says Casi.
“Do you want a list!?” says Lacey.
“How long is it!?” says Casi.
“HA!!! I have HUNDREDS OF PAGES OF COMPLAINTS IN MY HEAD…THAT I REGISTERED WITH MYSELF…GOING BACK TO 2014. THERE ARE COUNTLESS…VIOLATIONS.” says Lacey.
Casi thinks.
“I’m not used to straight women being like you.” says Casi.
“I KNOW! WHAT is wrong with them!? …I’m not like that. But I’m cis. And straight.” says Lacey.
“I’m like her.” says Queen Elizabeth II. “Diana drove me nuts…because I’m like Lacey.”
“I love her. But I know what she means.” says Lacey.
Diana sighs and smiles.
“She’s a gorgeous woman though!” says Lacey about Diana.
“I am.” says Lady Diana.
Lacey smiles. “I get confused too.” she says to Queen Elizabeth II.
“Why!?” says the CIA.
“My father and I are close just like she’s close to her father and my mother loved me but Lacey‘s mother and her are very distant. Lacey and I are both straight but for some reason we just don’t understand that part of typical women. We’re both cis…and I would argue that there’s something wrong with humanity not with us.
I was an exceptionally good queen. Lacey would be a good queen too frankly and that’s something you people need! RIGHT!? You need people helping run you who know what they’re doing, so be very careful with what you’re saying right now…even in your head because you may not understand what you’re thinking as well as you think you do…if you’re going about it too quickly…with arrogance and conceit.” says Queen Elizabeth II.
“ if she’s my biological daughter, I did yell at her when she was about two weeks old to be quiet when she was right next to my face and she was quiet and I listened and I could tell that I hadn’t heard her eardrums and I felt slightly stupid, but that was why I was giving her up and then she did calm down and fall asleep and being a spoiled person. I had a wealthy family I’ll thought that that would last forever. I didn’t realize that would end when I gave her up. I just had it in my head that those those days would just go on and on and on. And then, when we gave her away to Jim and Becca, hi could barely comprehend what had just happened Thelma had never seen me so out of sorts and broke her heart, because I was inconsolable. If she’s my daughter, no it caught me off guard what what what it was like to be a father it was not what I was expecting.” says Tom Banks.
“ the point of that, though, wasn’t just how sad Tom was the point was that she responded to a very harsh father, and he actually loved her.” says Queen Elizabeth II. “ so to Lacey that’s what love is like genuine love it’s very harsh but it’s sincere and it doesn’t. It doesn’t go too far it’s actual love but it’s it’s very harsh.” She thinks. “ and my father could be like that as well. He was the king of England during World War II. But he also did actually love me, and I knew that. Her father and mine. Both had a view of children that they should behave and be quiet, and there are no exceptions. And there was a sense of expectation that you met, no whining. AT ALL. But both of us wouldn’t have actually even wanted to wine because we are like our fathers and we don’t see the point.”
Lacey nods.
“ I mean may be a little whining just just to see what it’s like we’re developmental reasons, but no to we’re more of the type of kids to kick our father in the in the leg and try to punch out his face just to see if he has what it takes to really be our dad.” says Queen Elizabeth II.
“ yes, that is my ideal father a dad who is a real dad.” says Lacey.
“ but it’s done with love if Tom really did this if this actually happened and she doesn’t know either way but if it actually happened he was very harsh and he did he put her in her place that she was the baby and he was the adult, but he did it in the exact right way and it was exactly what she needed to fall asleep. She’s a very unusually intelligent person, and every child is the same and yet different so she needed a bottle and she needed to be served, but being as unusually intelligent as she was, and just being who she is, she actually responded to him, telling her to be quiet as an infant. I mean she did scream and cry but no he told her to be quiet and no one certain terms. If this is a real memory and she was, I’m sure he also patted her back and gave her a bottle and made sure that her head was exactly comfortable so it wasn’t as if he wasn’t doing anything But she was unusually intelligent and he and he knew that and he if this is a real memory and he did, he told her and no uncertain terms that she had to stop screaming.” says God.
“But then she was held and realized she was sleepy.” says China.
“ oh yes, and it’s not sexual at all. I hope people realize that still.” says God.
“ that’s not how I was raised.” says Casi.
“ yes we know that she was raised like an aristocrat in the early 19th century to mid 20th century. And there a lot of people who are raised like her that we know. And we know that you’re not like that Casi regardless.” says Prince Philip.
“ our father was trying to imitate that, and it didn’t quite work.” says Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
“ I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but if that’s actually a real memory, does she think she is her father?” says a reader.
God smiles.
“ you know what’s wrong with that if she does!?” says a Black woman.
“ I bet there are plenty of Black people sweetheart who have a psychology like hers because that’s all a lot of us got. A few months with our parents, a few months at best.” says a dead Black man.
“ do you know where a lot of like Lacey and I don’t think he realized that.” says Sarah Johnson. “ my mother was insane. She was British, and my father was American, and I was raised in America. He met her when he was in the military stationed in great Britain. Actually she’s right they might not even station did Great Britain, but she was British and he was stationed in Europe when he met her and then they got married and had me, and then she had so many mental health issues that she abandoned us basically and then they got divorced and we went back to America and now there’s a particular type of personality that women have when they’re very close to their dad and their father is normal and their mother has either abandon them or they’re closer to their dad and it’s not perverted. There’s there’s something that happens to you psychologically as a woman.
I think it was mast in Lacey to some degree because Becca seemed to be her mother. I think she seemed relatable because Becca did such a good job of seeming like her mom. But I recognize how we were friends, but it was weird, but we actually kind of we’re friends and her and I would talk about stuff in this very matter-of-fact way like really matter of fact. But that’s because the people who loved us were men. And old women. And so we had this very sort of unusually diplomatic, even keeled sort of masculine approach to everything, even though that’s not really our nature, or it’s not hers and it’s not really mine entirely either, but that was what I was raised with and neither of us knew any better. And that’s why I get pissed off because I’m not a lesbian necessarily at all. She’s not one at all for sure, but there are a lot of people who think that women like her and I are because they’re not used to people being so tough to be blunt as a woman.”
“ did Jim being gay help at all?” asks a man.
“ do you know whether it’s allowed in heaven or not? It did actually did. But the problem is that he was very disingenuous with her at times and still is and she doesn’t know that she knows that but she doesn’t because he supposed to be her father.” says God.
“ that’s what I thought.” says Sarah.
“ so you ladies don’t realize that you’re being like your dads like you’re not trying to be masculine at all!?” says a perfume collector.
Sarah Johnson shakes her head no. “ it’s interesting, that she chose white diamonds next to that ring my grandmother used to wear white diamonds, and I had white Timon’s because of that and I’m almost positive she associates that fragrance with me and my grandmother that’s not a coincidence this is a supernatural conversation. are used to challenge Lacey like a boy with challenge another boy who’s a friend all the fucking time I mean, we practically like psychologically wrestle ditch other every time we met up it wasn’t sexual, though it was more like a little boys sometimes actually fight when it’s platonic, and they just love each other in a platonic way but they’re trying to figure out who is more dominant for some reason and they just can’t get over it and they just keep pushing each other. And actually I was the one who did the pushing not her because she’s not really like that she’s not really like that at all. I am like that but she’s not, but she doesn’t back down from a fight and so things got very heated at times between us, but we never we never really like hated a charter. We just were very skeptical of each other on good terms.” says Sarah.
“ and I didn’t realize there were women like that.” says Casi.
Sarah rolls her eyes.
“ so you and Lacey have different personalities but you were possibly so similar psychologically that you really got along?” safe the CIA.
“ yes because if she’s actually illegitimate or fathers were so much similar and so it’s like women act crazy and they scream and they go crazy and then Dad gets scared and feels abandoned by mom. And dad ends up holding you and he feels awkward about it because he’s so masculine and cold at times and quiet but then somehow you realize that that actually does love you but it’s sort of like you realize that your dad can get scared in a way that most little girls don’t always see And then you think shit my dad’s a really strong tough man, but he’s scared shitless of my mother. He’s scared shitless of my mother because she broke his heart that fucking bitch. And that’s my mom…I guess. and then you think well I’m not gonna be like that to Dad because that’s Dad and he’s the normal one and I’m not so sure what the hell is wrong with mom but that’s her fault. That’s her problem as long as I can keep my shit together and be tough like Dad I don’t think I’m gonna end up being as weird as that freak that I’m supposed to call mom.” says Sarah.
“ that’s really harsh.” says the CIA.
Sarah nods. “ it is, but that’s the reality of what it is that’s what it’s like psychologically when your dad is masculine and tough and your mom takes advantage of him because he has a good heart and uses him in someway but he’s actually a very masculine difficult person but she just manages to be a jerk. That’s what it’s like when you’re a tiny little girl and your dad loves you you just think at least that’s what it’s like for her and I but that’s what might be like for other people to, it’s just like what are you gonna do the parent who is supposed to be nurturing to you and soft and tender and loving and teach you about that part of your self and reality is gone and in my case mentally ill and so you don’t have you don’t have a chance or a choice you’re just stuck I mean what what are you expecting us to do it’s stupid as fuck that you picked it up you people are so slow about this. I’m sorry it is harsh but that’s reality. What do you want me to say?” says Sarah.
“Bobby… does Sarah feel like a soulmate like Lacey?” says Larry David.
Bobby smirks. Nods. “ yes, Larry she does.”
“ bobby I don’t think these women are love with you anymore. I think you just have something in common with them.” says Larry David.
“ this reminds me of those times, when like lesbian butch women get gay men after them, and they don’t know what to do about it because they’re not man and they’re actually attracted to women and there are some gay men who just can’t process what they are and start thinking that they’re hot gay men.” says a woman, laughing.
“ I think part of it is that they have similar styles at times, and haircuts and attitudes or something where there’s like a crossover.” says the CIA.
“ Yeah but it’s different because Lacey and I are women who just overly consumed information from one gender because the other gender that we are identified with because that’s what we are was absent I hear you but I wish you would make light of it because it’s actually really disturbing.” says Sarah Johnson.
“ Sarah what does that do to you?” says God.
“ you don’t know how to relate to women. She was one of my only female friends, who I could really relate to in like a personal way. oh, and I think it was actually very healing for both of us, in ways that we didn’t know at the time.” says Sarah.
Later.
“Umm…you’re HOT!” says Casi to Lacey. “There!! I said it.”
“Thank you.” says Lacey.
“Do you think I am?” says Casi.
Lacey exhales. Clears her throat. “I’m not attracted to women. So…I have no idea how to think about that. …Literally no clue.
BUT I do know how men rate women. So…based on that scale I can say you’re…moderately good-looking.” says Lacey. She shrugs. “I’ve said all of this before.”
“But I’ve never told you that I think you’re hot.” says Casi.
“TRUE!” says Lacey.
“So…I play games. And then I say I don’t. …But…I do…like…commitment.” says Casi.
“Cool.” says Lacey. “Good for you.”
“Umm…so…I was just being…strong. …I thought you needed me to be…strong.” says Casi.
“Huh. …Well…I do like that in a partner. …You weren’t wrong about that. …But…I think…you misunderstood me. …OR…I gave you the wrong idea. But…that might be because I was molested by a woman. And I didn’t realize it. Until I got older. So…I knew I was molested by a man. But I didn’t realize I had been molested by a woman…so…perhaps…I was taught to be too agreeable with women. Because my abuser…trained me to be…incredibly agreeable to…some…unfortunate degree. …But I don’t know! This is just a theory!” says Lacey.
“What did she do!?” says Lem.
“HONESTLY!? …What the Hell are you talking about!?” says Casi.
“So…it was incredibly covert.” says Lacey. “But she was delusional. So…she did abuse me. Walking around undressed. Talking inappropriately. But…she…had to maintain the delusion to…not get narcissistically angry. So…since I was a child…she trained me to…be…very upbeat. Very…cheerful. …Possibly because…to her…somehow….it signaled me…being unaware of my attraction to her…but…still attracted. Even though that’s…impossible. So…as a child…I felt…confused by I realized that the more…cheerful I was…the nicer she was. You know? She made dinners. She…was happy too. She didn’t get mad. So…I learned to just act happy for…unknown reasons… I just learned that she liked when I acted happy. And not realizing she was abusing me…because it was so covert…I…analyzed that American women…expected…constant joy. From…everyone? Or they…would…be hurt? …Something like that. It’s just a theory.” says Lacey.
“So where did you learn how to parent?” says Casi.
“FROM ME!!” yells a dead British woman. “ONE WAY OR ANOTHER IT WAS ME!!”
“Are American women dumb?” says Stephen Colbert to Lacey. “NO! I’m fighting.
Because…HEAR ME OUT…I think that was a harsh assumption! …I understand that your mother was American. And you were a little girl. BUT I’M STILL OFFENDED! …Why assume that it’s because she’s American!?” says Stephen Colbert only half joking.
“No comment for now.” says Lacey.
“Umm…maybe!??” says Casi.
“Huh.
Yeah.
Let’s see.
…Well…you’re happy now anyway…so…oh well! RIGHT??” says Lacey.
“No. You’re being strong for me.” says Casi. “Be mean.”
“Mmm. Not quite.
You’re happy right?” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Casi.
“Why did you assume I was attracted to you???” says Lacey.
“You were…very…warm.” says Casi.
“I’m a very genuinely loving person to everyone.” says Lacey.
“YEAH! She hurt me that way too.” says Becca.
“Why is that hurtful!?” says Sarah Johnson.
“Because! We took it personally!” says Becca Fuester.
“That’s just dumb!” says Sarah Johnson.
“But I thought it was…special. Too.” says Casi.
“Then why did you compete with her?” asks a perfume collector.
“Because! …It’s like…I felt competitive. But I also felt…attraction.” says Casi.
“Okay???” says the perfume collector.
“Anyway! …Yuck!” says Lacey. “No offense.
Umm…yeah. It’s a misunderstanding.
…But you’re happy now!!” says Lacey.
“Yes!!” says Casi.
“Good.” says Lacey.
Silence.
“Gosh. I worry I’m too cheerful now.” says Lacey to God and Lem.
“So…you’re never just yourself around women?” asks Becca Fuester.
“No. …The worst that can happen with men…is that they’ll try to rape you. And you can get a sense of that usually.
With women…they’re…dangerous. So…I’m always guarded.” says Lacey.
“She is.” says her mom from Great Britain.
“What would we seem like if you weren’t guarded?” asks an American.
“VERY SCARY.” says Lacey.
“Let’s talk!” says Fausta to Lacey if there’s reincarnation.
“GO FUCK YOURSELF!!” yells Lacey at Fausta if there’s reincarnation.
“I was beheaded.” she says.
“YOU DESERVED IT!” yells Lacey.
“Fine!” says Fausta.
“Did Evan remind you of him!??” says Lacey.
She sighs. “If there’s reincarnation…yeah!” she says.
“Wow!!!” says Lacey.
She thinks. “Lem is nice to people on principle. And nice to you…because you’re special. TO HIM. …We didn’t get along that well. …And it hurt.
But…you’re just nice. You’re just a sweetheart!” says Becca, if there’s reincarnation.
“Did Evan look like Lem’s former son!?” says Lacey.
Becca panics if there’s reincarnation. “Ahh…yeah.” she says.
Lacey thinks. “He was dark!”
“Yeah! He was. …Yup.” says Becca.
Silence.
“Casi…let’s talk about social class.” says God.
“So…I thought you got angry…because of repressed lesbianism. …When I said you had a nice life.” says Casi.
“No. …I just found you grossly presumptuous!” says Lacey. “HOW DARE YOU EVALUATE MY LIFE! …Who are YOU to so brazenly claim…authority over the public consensus on MY LIFE!!??!”
“Oh. Very true.” says Casi. “But…that’s not what I meant. …I was hitting on you.”
“That’s a romantic idea. The comment you made. …But I’m not attracted to women.” says Lacey.
“Why didn’t you analyze the fact that I might not be thinking about it in that way though!? Like…I had almost outed myself to you.” says Casi.
“Yes…but…you backtracked! Very rudely even. …Because you came on to me…I bluntly declined…and then you got mad at me. …So…I think I assumed we had…moved beyond that. …I had no idea you’d still…persist.” says Lacey.
“I had a crush on you.” says Casi.
“Casi. I literally don’t cognitively understand what that even means anymore. …Sorry! It’s the damnedest thing. …But in relation to me…I’m lost. …WHAT THE FUCK…IS THAT!?” says Lacey.
“So it’s you…and like…I had a crush. ON YOU.” says Casi, laughing.
“Yes! Following. …But that’s as much as I genuinely can imagine. That’s IT.” says Lacey.
“So you have a pretty face.” says Casi.
“Yup. It’s my face.” says Lacey. “I’m lost!”
“So I LIKED YOUR FACE!!” says Casi.
“Huh.
Intriguing.” says Lacey. “Do you like licorice?”
Casi thinks. “Black licorice!?”
“Yes!” says Lacey.
Casi thinks. “Yes. I actually do.” says Casi.
“GOT IT!” says Lacey.
Casi thinks. “Anyway…I liked that…I guess.” she says.
“Hmm.
So…that’s…
My goodness!!!” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Casi.
“Why didn’t you…try writing letters??? …Or…poems? …Or…drawing? I’ve made several drawings for men over the years.” says Lacey.
Casi thinks.
“I mean…if it bothered you that much…why?” says Lacey. “Why be so idle about it!?”
“I commented on all of your posts!” says Casi.
“But how was I to know!?!? …And that’s so ordinary!” says Lacey. “I think when you have feelings like that for someone you should be…engaged with it!”
“But you weren’t interested anyway.” says Casi.
“WHO CARES! You didn’t know that!” says Lacey.
Casi thinks.
“Why not!? Why not…do something!?” says Lacey.
“SHIT!! You’re right.” says Casi.
“There’s some sort of dignity with that!” says Lacey.
“You’re right.” says Casi.
“No. I wasn’t interested. But…if you write a poem…you know…that YOU TRIED. …No regrets!” says Lacey.
“Yeah.” says Casi.
“I mean it sounds like you were really interested.” says Lacey.
“Mmm…I mean it was a real crush.” says Casi.
“Well…I hope you write your husband a poem then! …HAVE YOU!?” says Lacey.
Casi thinks. Sighs.
“You write poems! …I hope you do it!!” says Lacey.
She thinks.
“Anyway. It was about you.” says Casi.
Lacey smiles politely.
“Soo…that’s how I got confused about social class.” says Casi.
“No. I just found you very…presumptuous.” says Lacey.
“It was just me shooting my shot!” says Casi.
“Alright. Well…I wasn’t interested. But thank you.” says Lacey.
“Do you know why you’re so pretty!?” says Casi.
“I have some idea. I’ve analyzed it!” says Lacey.
“That’s not what she means!!!!” yells Franny.
“Then I have no idea what she means!!” says Lacey.
“DAMMIT. We should not have talked to her!” says Chris Hayes, if there’s an Illuminati.
“I’m trying to give you…some…love.” says Casi.
“Casi…I don’t want it. It’s lesbian. And regardless it’s not for me. …You’re not for me.” says Lacey. “I’m not…sure what you’d say.”
“Was the question about licorice all you needed to know?” asks Casi.
“YES. I asked to figure out what you found attractive. …And that gave me some idea.” says Lacey.
“THIS IS PATHETIC!!!!!” shrieks Louis at God. “I’D LIKE TO KILL YOU!!!” Louis Hill Junior yells at God.
“Thank you. I’m also objectively unimpressed. But…we must remember He’s God.” says Lacey.
“True.” says Louis.
“So…that’s the idea.” says Casi.
“YOU BITCH!!” screams Louis. “YOU SELFISH BITCH!!! You can explain yourself without coming on to her!! She’s NOT INTO YOU!!! GET A GRIP!!!”
Casi thinks. “Fine.
Ahh…no. I can’t. I…just…can’t.” says Casi.
“WHY!?!?” shrieks Louis.
“Because. …I’m more important to myself than her. Okay!?” says Casi.
“In this case…that’s SELFISH!!!” says Louis. “And then Dr. Wilson chews her out for wanting to study POLAND. Calls HER…SELFISH…FOR WANTING TO STUDY POLAND!” he’d smack God across the face except God doesn’t let him.
“Why POLAND?” asks Tsar Putin.
“Because you’re in Russia???” says Lacey.
He nods. “Why do I care!?” he says.
“Because Poland is…a threat to you???” says Lacey.
“WHY!?” he says.
“It’s so…quiet.” says Lacey. “It just feels…creepy.”
He thinks.
“And I wanted to figure out why.” says Lacey.
“COMMUNISM.” says Putin.
“No! Evil.” says Lacey.
“WHEN!?” yells Putin.
“Is there reincarnation or not!?” says Lacey.
He thinks. “Is.” he decides for the conversation.
“Long ago!!” says Lacey. “Possibly before the Holy Roman Empire.”
“What sort of evil!?” says Putin.
“Brutal human sacrifices. Like…pagan…vicious practices. Lots of…very dark witchcraft. …And I suspect…that evil has been after Christian Russia for hundreds of years.” says Lacey.
“Poland is Christian!” says Putin.
“But you…are…a challenge to them. You challenge their…feelings of safety. …And they know you’re…right. So…there’s guilt.” says Lacey. “But they’re…harboring very old evil. Against you. …And God used it for good during the Cold War…but…it’s there. Possibly.”
“And you were going to research it?” says Putin.
“YES!” says Lacey. “I wanted to know why.”
“It’s petty.” says a dead woman from the 3rd Century B.C.. “They had more cattle. When they established themselves. They had more meat!”
“Yeah. Common.” says Putin.
“Well we still care.” she says.
“Why did this concern HER!?” says Putin.
Awkward silence.
“Because you’re one of her soulmates.” she says. “That’s awkward, as they say today…but you are. So…because she’s been so hurt…she’s sort of dead…and…someone fully dead…in Purgatory…got jealous. Because you’re a big deal. So…they…attacked her…when she didn’t even understand…just to be cruel.”
“If that’s true…thank you for explaining!!” says Putin.
“So it was a wild goose chase. Because she’s just thinking of me.” says Putin.
“Yes. …But the Kennedys had her going into politics. …But she’s a wife.” says the woman from Poland.
Putin nods.
“SO! Here…spirit…was drawn to analyzing Poland. For you!!!” she says.
“That was really just for me!?” he says.
She nods sadly. Then she shrugs.
“What did he ask you!?” says Putin to Lacey.
“I said, ‘WHY DO YOU WANT TO STUDY POLAND!’” says Dr. Wilson.
“HOW…DID YOU KNOW IT WAS FOR ME!?” says Putin.
He sighs. “The supernatural. …The Charismatic. …If this is real…Charismatic Churches can be…extremely powerful. At times. …So…I guess I knew.” he says.
“So…you knew it was for me.” says Putin.
“Yes.” he says.
“But not consciously!?” he says.
“No!! …Although…it felt…sexual. And I couldn’t figure out why. …I think I hate the sexual dynamics between you and Lacey.” he says.
“Our ages?” he says.
“You’re…so…dominant. And…I’m a feminist. It just made me…incredibly angry.” he says.
“Okay. …But…we can’t help it. And…we’re just soulmates. …What…was she supposed to do!?” he says.
He thinks. “I mean…why you!? …And she’d be using my time…and Messiah College time and resources…to AID RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE!?” he says.
“That’s her business!” says Iran.
“WELL IT BOTHERED ME!!!” he says. “On a subconscious level. IT BOTHERED ME!!”
“How did you pick up on that!?? With her!?” says a Messiah College student.
“She’s slightly dead. So…you hear ghosts. When you’re around her. Weird stuff like that. And I’m…dense, I guess.” he says.
“What would have happened if you’d let her?” says a woman.
“She’d have…been…happy. Graduated. …Gone to grad school. …Died by age 40. Of a heart attack.” he says. “But…she’d have enjoyed that.”
“Casi…let’s TALK.” says God.
“I did…compete.” says Casi. “But…I also had this delusional crush on her.”
“I might not be trying to hurt anyone with my good wool. …It’s possible that…I just…state facts and let them…affect people however.” says Lacey.
“Makes sense!” says Casi.
“Okay.” says Lacey.
Keen to Cross the Pond 