“BUTTERFLY” by The Founding Fathers (edited by Lem)

The Founding Fathers fling their junk around. In 1700’s clothing. In a very chill rap music video.

To Butterfly by Crazy Town.

It’s very chill. They do cool things with shadows and fading in and out of the frame. Benjamin Franklin steals the show. Thomas Jefferson is amazingly similar to Jon Hamm’s character Don Draper. It’s a real rap music video…with a mashup of today’s aesthetic and that of the 1700’s.

It’s HILARIOUS. These men are making complete assholes of themselves. …However…they’re so sincere…and it’s so wonderfully styled…that…it’s fun! It’s…fun!

…It’s like an SNL parody. …But it’s not an intentional parody.

The song ends.

Rock The Casbah by The Clash plays next as Lacey dances. Moving the entire US to ancient Egypt.

Donald Trump Junior takes a line of cocaine. If he does. He lays back. Closes his eyes and cries.

Why?

Because he actually does care about the U.S. And he HATES having to let the US escape to ANCIENT EGYPT. But he has no idea what else to do.

His wife Kim walks in and gives him a hug.

“Where are…the…” he says trying to keep control of his brain.

“JUST CHILL!!” she says.

2:04

Tucker Carlson’s cell phone “going off” manifests in 1982.

Lacey yawns. She sits drinking her coffee in her old chair at home. Drinking it out of a white Le Creuset mug.

Two Weeks by Grizzly Bear plays.

“He’s serious…Lacey.” says Hamas.

“NO SHIT!!!” yells Putin.

“Lacey sings it to Lem.” says Lacey.

Hamas does an Irish jig mocking their own egos and evil. Of course to this particular song.

“Hi. I think we messed-up.” says Hamas to Lacey.

“We’re not lovers so you’re going to have to just deal with that fact. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“And Israel is because of Mark and Harold Loeb!??” screams Hamas.

“Yes, that’s reality!” screams Lacey.

“Do they let you be a citizen in their country?” Hamas asks Lacey.

“Not really! If there’s reincarnation I am Scotia and you conquered my country and I am OK with that, but not really…but I am-I am I’m sorry but you messed up.” screams Lacey.

“So! Sorry!” says Hamas.

“Well what are you going to do!? Because there’s no way he’s being serious!” says Lacey. “Even if he’s being serious.”

“You’re absolutely right! So what would we do?” says Hamas.

“Umm well you say, ‘Hi, how’s it going?’” says Hamas to President Donald Trump.

He stands stupidly staring.

“‘Hi honey, why are you here?’“ says Hamas to President Donald Trump.

“To bring Jesus and democracy.” says President Donald Trump.

“‘Oh that’s pretty! I like that concept!

Listen…I’ll think about it? OK cupcake? In the meantime I don’t really want to give up those hostages for moral reasons…but…I might be able to think about it. Let me go talk to my John? OK precious?’” says Hamas.

“Who turned you into a prostitute, you bitch!?” yells President Donald Trump at Hamas.

“I did it to myself. I got involved with some woke cool kids.” says Palestine.

“That’s pretty fucking serious. I can’t clean your ass.” says President Donald Trump.

“OK that’s fine Pookie! I’m gonna go talk to my baby cake. I’ll see you in a second princess.” says Palestine. 

A moment later.

“He says that no comprehende. The deals off sweet sucker! I can’t go down to the closet with the drain pipe because it’s going to ruin my anus.” says Palestine.

“It won’t hurt that much!” says President Donald Trump.

“Well according to my baby cakes, I can’t and he says he’s gonna shoot ya and control your computer systems and cut off your dicks if you make me go down there.

I’m sorry…I just can’t honey.” says Palestine.

He looks sad.

“Do you need to take this outside?!” says the UN to President Donald Trump.

“No, I actually don’t really want to do this so I guess I’ll just have to sit and wait.” says President Donald Trump. He laughs.

“Well that’s obviously something to consider. They’ll be a mutiny in Switzerland before you ever enforce those boundaries and actually Palestine has to probably become a state now because of what you did. There’s really no way out according to some people and they’re probably lying. We could probably think of something. But I would bet that it’s going to become pretty bloody and that we’re kind of just full of shit so I kind of thinks-I kind of thinks he gotta listen to baby cakes.” says Black Rock.

Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing by Chris Isaak plays.

0:24

“ it’s possible that if I’m able to create a Palestinian state that is happily on the borders with Israel and they get along and it’s great and Israel finds out that they didn’t really need that land anyway and there’s not really a problem and Palestine‘s not that big but the Jews are giving up any more land and they don’t have to and there’s enough to accommodate Palestine and it’s a high mean it’s a solid, prosperous country and die. There’s no going back or forward. It’s just too fucking countries minding their own fucking business for fucking ones then I think we’re in a little bit of shit trouble because when I die I’m ending this fucking world.” says Lacey.

0:35

The song plays.

“ do you know why are you too stupid?” says Queen Scotia.

1:07

“I’m fucking serious! Are you too stupid or do you understand why?” bellows Lacey.

Harold looks up at Brett Ashley and she smiles at him.

1:46

Her ugly teeth shone.

1:59

Brett Ashley’s HIDEOUS teeth.

2:17

“ I don’t understand why Lacey. I don’t fucking get it.” says Mike Sweitzer.

The song ends.

She’s takes a deep breath.

“ so basically, Israel was created by psychopaths from within and without the Jewish people, so there were some evil Rothschild who needed to have their brains smashed into a wall and then there were some people who hated the Rothschilds, who should’ve had their penises twisted off with some thing mechanical very slowly and that was that was what created the holocaust and Israel and so basically I’m just sick of this shit I’m really sick of this shit and I think that is just time to call it quits.” says Lacey.

Awkward silence.

Lem nods in agreement.

“ so Palestine might exist, but it’ll be the end of the world?” says Israel.

“ yes but it will exist. Absolutely Lord willing and you’ll die to sweetheart you’re not gonna magically live forever.” says Lacey.

The song restarts.

“ did any of you ever notice how dorky and sci-fi the song actually is or is that just me?” says Lacey.

Stanley Kubrick looks embarrassed.

“ Lacey it is dorky it is asexual. It is stupid as fuck but it’s the only song I could find.” says Stanley Kubrick.

“ Are are we about the same level of intelligence in some ways?” says Lacey.

“ yes I take that as a compliment and so do you possibly. Umm…honestly I have no fucking clue either at this point Lacey! I have no fucking clue either!” yells Stanley Kubrick.

The song plays.

“ that song is not as sexual as people thought it was it works in the movie, but it’s not actually as sexual as people of interpreted it as being in the US media.” says Lem.

“ yeah, it’s like you never listen to country music or country rock that’s not necessarily sexual. It could actually just be a kind of like music that’s not really sexual.” says Lacey.

“ I promised Israel this would never happen. Oh my God Hayden guys this can’t happen. I mean this is just not something that we can do OK?” says Bobby, sounding like a bit of a Valley Girl.

“ Bobby, we have to share the world with Putin.” explains the CIA.

Prince Igor by the Berlin Philharmonic plays.

He smirks, “ my dad Lemmers is an Egyptian pharaoh and you are going to be so fucking sorry you guys because he’s in love with me!” he says, helplessly laughing. He chews his gum loudly.

“ you think Lem’s Billings was an Egyptian pharaoh Bobby?” says Hamas.

“ I mean, he basically ran Egypt when I wasn’t there seducing him with my luxurious sexiness!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

Putin laughs so hard he falls forward. Then catches himself.

“ bobby that’s not real!” says Suzanne.

“ that’s not what I was told by people who are far smarter than you!” says Bobby very, very sincerely.

2:48

“ but Bobby, that’s not real he never ran Egypt.” says Suzanne.

“ and if he did, it’s like cruel intentions and Lacey and him are siblings and it’s really weird and we can’t handle it and I don’t know how God works the whole thing out but that’s the problem that they were either siblings and God has had to torture them to make the whole thing possible or they were never siblings and then I kind of think maybe he never ran Egypt.” says the CIA.

“ bobby I don’t think he was ever there he might have been but I kind of doubt it.” says Kasey Johnson.

“ what the fuck do you know?!?” says Bobby, in cocky irritation.

“ a hell of a lot.” says Kasey Johnson.

“ that’s not funny, you sound intimidating could you literally beat me up?” says Bobby, coming on to her.

“ actually I’m not surprised you’re coming onto me right now. Um I’m surprised you’ve never tried sleeping with a larger woman and then I’m like oh no no no no he doesn’t things like that lame likes what I am but then he wants it to be a little smaller my husband doesn’t Bobby him but that’s because they’re men and they have varying tastes they like different things just like different people like different things, so theoretically, if you actually found women attractive and could have sex with them in any sort of normal way, you might be able to come on to me and I might take it seriously but I’m realizing you’re not capable of that at least not right now, so then what are you trying to communicate to me? Are you trying to insult me or are you physically threatened by me right now?” says Kasey Johnson.

“ bobby, gay men do tend to be small they’re not usually as big as lime, but they really aren’t with cheap checks. It’s not common for actual gay men’s often be as large as lamb often gay men are smaller, but not necessarily, but that does happen more frequently, Bobby it really does.” says the CIA.

“ Bobby, I thought you knew that that you were 5 foot nine that you were scrawny that you’re not actually a tremendous athlete that you could really beat people up because you’re not that big you could try but you could actually be killed in a fistfight resorting to being gay to try to survive is interesting that I don’t think that’s what you’re doing. I think you’re too dumb to realize that you’re not that tough.” says the CIA.

“ call Call then yes Casey I might be slightly physically threatened by you if we are almost the same size and you’re stronger and bigger than me.” says Bobby.

“ do you actually need a cane or not?” says Kasey.

“ slightly sometimes.” says Bobby.

“ OK um so that- I could probably kill you.” says Kasey.

5:00

Ben Johnson laughs. Humoring his wife.

“Kasey darling do you want to kill this man or are you going to let him listen?” says a dead man who held Teddy.

“ I was just clarifying to find out what was going on because it seems like he’s threatening me and I’m confused.” says Kasey.

6:09

The dead man who held Teddy nods.

The song ends.

Symphony No. 6 in F Major by Beethoven plays as performed by the Cleveland Orchestra.

“I-I think it’s kind of weird that you exist but according to Jesus, it’s a thing.” says Lacey to Israel.

The song plays.

“I’m a little worried about the security of Jews. And about the security of the country with giving them any land at all.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“Who gives a shit what you fucking think? You’re one fucking person.” says Lacey.

4:32

“I think we’ll be OK!” says a Jewish woman in Israel to Lacey.

“No, you fucking won’t!” says Lacey.

“I know that!” yells Benjamin Netanyahu.

“No you don’t!!!” yells Lacey.

“Hey what’s going on?” he says to Lacey.

“You stayed too fucking long!!” yells Lacey.

King Charles III nods kindly.

“That CANNOT BE RIGHT!??” yells JFK’s residual energy with Bobby and the leaders of Israel.

7:24

“This is why I liked the Nazis! Because they know these things!” says Elon Musk, smiling. 

“What are you saying mom?” says Benjamin Netanyahu to Lacey.

“That I’m worried about you and that ain’t good.

I think-I think you’re assuming too much and it’s worked so far to strong arm the world to exist but if your existence matters to you, you guys have got to recalculate something because I don’t think that’s gonna last much longer. I mean it could go on forever but at the same time I’m not-I’m not so sure about that. I think-I think people are getting tired.” says Lacey.

9:32

“I mean she’s right! You guys she’s absolutely right. You don’t seem to be able to to notice that and now I’m beginning to wonder if the nation of Israel is like autistic or something.” says the recording industry.

“ so you’re just saying that we’ve gotta just bite the bullet and give them land that’s there is to have as a country not too much but enough that they’re comfortable and happy and OK and they have their own country and they’ve got to have their own country they’ve got to but it doesn’t have to be huge but it needs to be something and then they’ll just have to accept what we offer obviously force them into it but it is what it is. We are where we are and they’ll just have to except the land that we’re offering them and will just have to back the fuck out of there.” says Israel.

“ yes and then you’ll have to possibly kill all of them but you know it’s people are tired you know kids are getting tortured you’re getting tortured. I honestly think people have to stop thinking that everything’s a stupid television show. I don’t think there’s a way out and I think you gotta just cut the cord take your chances to tie a noose around their neck and then give them a country, so it’s like you’re giving them a country there’s a rope around their neck and they might lose they might kill themselves they might kill you sort of but I doubt it I have a feeling you’ll probably blow them up and end up, threatening the entire world, before you all die, at the very least so I’m not that’s my guess is that you’ll probably end up blowing them up before they can blow all of you up but if they do blow all of you up then you’re just gonna probably deal with God and I would actually tell you that you’re headed for a real nice real surprise real nice surprise and I mean that I’m looking forward to it to be honest that’s what I look forward to every day is dying. I’m i’m not joking. I’m looking forward to my death and the death of my children. It is literally what wakes me up every day it’s up it’s all I live for is my death OK? I mean I’m basically just in overtime right now motherfucking hostage in the living world so that being said and it’s in Christ but that’s how bad this is a pistol so what’s going on and I’m just encouraging you if they blow you up if they blow you up then I mean that’s bad but you’re dead They could start trying to torture you guys, but I have I strongly hope that you’re serious and you actually will defend yourselves and give a shit about yourselves like I hope that you’ll actually take care of yourselves and you’re not just faking everyone out?” says Lacey.

The assure her they will strangle Palestinians if necessary. ABSOLUTELY!!

“ OK you do that that in the name of Jesus in the name of Jesus, you don’t go back on that if they invade your country you killed that you strangle them if they try to take over the country and torture you you defend your borders and you rip off their heads, if necessary before you let them turn you into something less than holy!” yells Lacey.

“ but yes, obviously, but will probably have to have a country and if you come into our country if we’re being nice, will do the same thing for you.” says Palestine to Israel.

Israel laughs at them.

“ I don’t think you’re that superior Jennifer!” says Israel to Palestine.

“ dude you’ve got to stop relying on your buddy American Christian friends to help you figure shit out!” says Kurt Cobain to Benjamin Netanyahu.

“ yeah I know him I guess we’ll probably just yeah probably have to have a country that’s small and they’ll just have to suck it up and then we’ll just have to deal with the fact that we’re kind of bullies but not because we believe that we’re supposed to have this land regardless, it is our land, and will just have to live with the fact that that they don’t have much of a country, but they have one Lord willing.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

Of course the song ended this time.

gun-shy by Grizzly Bear plays.

JFK comes on to Lem.

“I wrote this love ballad to woe Lem Billings.” says JFK’s residual energy.

“LOVE BALLAD!?” says the US military.

“YES!! It’s sci fi.” says JFK.

“No it’s not. How did you write some thing so sad and beautiful Jack!?” yells Shakespeare.

“ I don’t know! I just borrowed his energy and turned it into this. Oh my God he is so gonna fall in love with me when he hears this!” says JFK’s residual energy sincerely.

“ so nothings changing. I’m just letting them have a country and we’ll see how it works out?” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“ yes duh and hopefully they don’t kill you!” says Lacey.

He nods.

“ hopefully he doesn’t kill us!” says Palestine.

“ yeah yeah ha ha yeah I don’t know what the fuck happened!” says Lacey, nodding.

“ since you’ve been gone! While you were away, lady Scotland! a lot of shit went down.” says Switzerland to Lacey.

“ jack was gun, shy, supposed to be like T.S. Eliot or e.e. cummings shirt, combined with like a music, and then he was supposed to like drop his panties and like be with you forever?” says a Millennial woman.

The demon controlling JFK nods his head and says yes on his behalf.

“ he doesn’t know how to be faithful he like cognitively can’t understand the concept of faithfulness because if there’s being carnation, he thinks he’s his mother in Japan, but then he’s not because he’s better than her. He was completely insane and extraordinarily evil but he wasn’t better than her as like a woman or a whore, which is what he thought or like a light saber super being I don’t know what he was thinking, but he thought he was better than his mom but then she was better than everyone and she was better than him, but then he was better than her as like a light saber being and not in any normal way like some fathers worry about their daughters to too much and the daughters aren’t that week and then some mothers have sons who think they’re better than their mom being a human but they may actually be in someway but then in this at the same time they’re just boys and they don’t really know what they’re doing kind of like Barbara Bush and George and then they just have to except they had a mommy and that she wants to wipe the shit off their face with spit. And they don’t have a problem with the fact that she wants to wipe the shit off their face with spit cause it’s just mommy it really is just mommy and it’s just ink and it comes right off with a little bit of her spit but then you got a little bit of mommy spit on your face and all the boys know that you have a mommy And that you’re not tough and that you didn’t just come out of the woods with a gun like Davy Crockett, shooting everyone and being a bad ass. That’s a loser in America. That’s obviously a loser because this country is really screwed up so it’s like you have a mommy you I don’t have a mommy my mother is in alcoholic and I am deranged and I probably killed myself by the time I’m 50 from alcoholism but we’re a little boys and I’m covering for that and you’re gonna buy it until we’re in high school or the little boy is like you you have a mommy I didn’t think that mommy‘s existed because my mommy lets me believe in delusional, sell fantasies of grander, where I literally have some conception of myself where I came out of the woods with a gun, and my father is a DuPont, and she just nods her head and smiles Donald Trump Junior is a little bit like that. I think the mothers are trying to allow them to have a personality to be socially entertaining and so they’re making their kids just a little eccentric to try to help them socially and so these little boys have crazy conceptions of them selves , but then with that genius as men they kind of think that they’re like a super being but they’re not and then when they are in high school, they get into fights with George Bush because they can’t figure out how to kick his ass without apologizing to him first, for making fun of him about the spit on his cheek when they were seven him but then they can’t really let down their guard because that insults his manhood but also he might actually be dangerous for real And so then and so then they kind of have to fight him instead of apologizing because if they apologize that’s bad but it’s also necessary and it’s really messed up and they’re still working it out and Christmas cards every year. Are they passive aggressive they go back-and-forth are we friends are we enemies Are we friends? Are we enemies every year Christmas in the Christmas card they check the signature they check the post date they check the picture it’s obsessive it’s obsessive, but it’s life.

JFK’s residual struggles for five minutes to take off a coat. Because he’s too stubborn and retarded and evil.

Sun In Your Eyes by Grizzly Bear plays.

“As consolation for destroying your existence, potentially would you like to be Lem?” say the Founding Fathers to Lacey.

“Would you like me to strangle your head off for all of eternity is consolation prize for existing?” says Lacey sincerely in response.

1:30

“She’s feeling very jolly today and I think she went a little too far with that. I’m sorry that was a little too nice.” says Jesus sincerely.

“Lacey I agree. I completely agree. Hey honey, let’s just sorta have some chocolate and just sort of think.” say all Native Americans to Lacey.

“I can do better than that, but I’ve been silenced.” says Lem Billings.

“Can you guys just finally admit that it’s weird that Jack couldn’t take off his coat and a normal way?” says Great Britain to the U.S.

“How does he take it off?” says Kasey Johnson.

“He had to find a chair- A wooden chair, to umm sort of put in between his-his arms and the coat to leverage the coat off.” says Benjamin Franklin.

6:20

“He could’ve just flipped the coat back and then just taken it off like a normal person but he got it stuck over his head and then he couldn’t figure out how to go forward from from there.” says Lacey.

The song ends.

“Do any of those dumbasses look like they could do any better?” says Lacey sincerely and honestly.

“No.” says Elizabeth Warren.

1:24 plays as Lacey mocks their stupid arrogance with an explosion with her fingers up in the air.

“I bet she messed that up! I bet she messed that up! Yeah I bet she messed that up!

Lacey, it’s not at that exact second! You double check or I am going to destroy the entire universe because you’re a liar!!!” bellows Dmitry. 

“You know I’m not entirely sure what happened but I like 1:24 better than 1:23. I:23 is just perverse to me? 1:24 is just kind of like the back of the explosion. But I also messed it up and I went with something vague. So if I made a mistake by not writing 1:23 I apologize.” says Lacey. “It’s also possible that I was trying to cover the entire thing by finding the exact moment that it ended and covering the idea from like a legal perspective.”

“It’s kind of mostly the latter. She was thinking legally. It’s like 1:24 covers most of the explosion. And then you made her listen to it now over and over and I’m getting involved to defend her position. I don’t understand why you guys question her so much. It was a rough estimate that is true but what are you worried about…because it actually was extraordinarily specific and perfect???” says Jesus.

“So she’s 100% heterosexual and so was Lem?” says Richard Deacon, in awe.

“Yes, yes in fact they were and are!” says Jesus.

“Why Dmitry did you call your wife a hot potato?” asks the CIA.

“Because I like to eat her! I like to think of her like a food and to me she’s like a hot potato with like sour cream and chives and bacon all gooey in my tummy. I mean damn I eat her riced, mashed. Sometimes I make her into french fries. Gotta admit I put a little ketchup on that ass. …She’s my hot steaming tasty potato.” explains Dmitry.

“I’m confused. Were there men in America or was that a false advertisement?” says Tessa (Matthew’s athletic aunt who’s been disappointed by men over the years by them rejecting her.)

“Tessa, darling, whatever made you think it made sense to room for a night in a hotel room with Becca and her daughter Lacey at the wedding of your nephew Matthew?” says the BBC.

“Becca and I are reasonably close as cousins, as far as cousins go.” says Tessa.

“Tessa, dearest, whatever happened to the young man that rejected you?” asks a woman in London.

“One was a pastor, and there was another woman and the other just didn’t like skiing as much as I did and it scared me.” she says.

“Why did that scare you?” asks her cousin Dennis.

“Because it made me think that he was kind of a wimp and that he couldn’t really handle being my husband.” says Tessa.

“Are you a really good skier Tessa?” says an actress.

She looks sad. “My father was a wealthy dentist and he spoiled us some and I didn’t realize that until I got older. Yes I am not as good as some people in my family. Actually, I think Eric and Johnny are probably better. Mark’s not a bad skier either. Umm…but no I am-I am fortunately and unfortunately an excellent skier.” 

“What the hell is going on with your nephew in the afterlife?” says the BBC.

She makes a crazy face. “I’m a Romanov. I’m very stoic. I was killed in the Russian Revolution whether I am a part of the royal family or not. I am a Russian aristocrat reincarnated. And I enjoy skiing. I like simple things. I work for WIC.

I suspect that he was very attracted to Lacey, but that he couldn’t quite fathom the whole thing.” she says sadly.

“Tessa what do you mean by that? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” says the BBC.

“The human brain is incredibly complex so it’s possible that one could be attracted to a dog. But as Christians thank Jesus, we can be beyond such fragile limitations. I could have been a bit of a gadfly, but I chose not to be. And I have not regretted it but it’s a choice. Yes, I’m admonishing Lacey slightly by saying that. And yet I don’t understand the circumstance from her perspective, and what she’s experiencing.

I do know my nephew better than that, though. His mother is very harsh. And I think he grew up with a very dark view of the world. And I don’t think he can quite fathom the concept of being attracted to your cousin, being stable, and possibly nothing happening at all, or having to rearrange your entire life to make something happen if she’s not your cousin, or if she’s distant enough genetically, I think it’s too astounding to him.” says Tessa. “He was very sheltered. And if I am at all to blame for his lack of sophistication or awareness, I am sorry. I also apologize if I had anything to do with his lack of manliness.

And I don’t know why he doesn’t just keep things private between them and spare Kate’s feelings. People do read this blog and I don’t understand why she feels it’s necessary to share this with her. It’s extremely disturbing.”

The BBC laughs.

Tessa chuckles lightly.

“Thank you Tessa, for explaining that!” says the DNC.

“You know what Dmitry? I think you should ask your question of Lacey.” says the CIA.

“What kind of food is it are you?” he yells at Lacey.

Jeremy rolls his eyes. “Lem I can’t let her answer this. Lem you like when Lacey wears Mon Guerlain?”

“Yes I do!” says Lem.

Jeremy thinks. Sighs. “Then I think she’s probably something savory and sweet and doesn’t realize it.” 

“That’s true.” says Lem.

“Then how are you going to live off of her?” says Dmitry. He looks incredibly disturbed. 

“You don’t have to live off your wife in that way.” says Lem.

Dmitry looks disturbed. “Lem you need meat or some sort of protein you can’t just eat sweets it’ll kill you.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking!!!” yells JFK sincerely.

Rachel Maddow shakes her head no, in a trance.

“It’s not eating though Dmitry.” says Lem.

“No it is! It’s a form of eating.” says Dmitry.

“Actually it’s really not and you sound insane and stupid.” says Lem.

“Then how would you describe getting your piece of ass from your wife?” says Dmitry.

Tessa rolls her eyes.

“Sweetie we don’t do that, we’re not that poor.” explains Lem Billings.

“Oh dear god that makes sense! Whoops! That’s the wrong show. Wrong show princess a wonder pants. I think-I think you found the actual Lady Mary when you started talking to Lacey and I would totally believe that they just don’t see it that way.” explains one of her neighbors.

“So how do you see it?” says Dmitry.

“How do I see it? Like actual sex? Like actually having real sex not just getting a piece of ass.” says Lem.

“So then you have better sex than I do?” says Dmitry.

“Yeah one of us always orgasms every single time we have sex, and the orgasm is always at least excellent and we never get sick of it ever because we’re genuinely extremely attracted to each other.” says Lem.

“So why were you so selfish in thinking that homosexuality made any sense at all?” asks Dmitry.

“Because I had a vain and incredibly beautiful idea both about romantic love. And sex. Lacey has no such delusions. I do.” says Lem. “So I thought that you were sort of entitled to be with somebody and have sex. I thought people were entitled to that like it was a right it’s like a human right. And I thought that there was no reason to restrain yourself, if society was not restraining itself. And I thought I was homosexual.” says Lem.

Bobby tries to suffocate Lacey as he whines and rocks back and forth.

“So I thought that we were not entitled to any sort of a law governing us in that way and I thought, ‘No, the Bible doesn’t really say that.’ But I just assumed that you know you stay faithful and committed in a monogamous, loving relationship. I mean, there was polyamory. as a concept in my head, but not really in relation to Jack, and barely at all, it was sort of a distant concept to me and I didn’t really like the concept, because I thought it was at odds with romantic love. And so I thought there was no problem with doing what I did and there was something beautiful and vain about that both.

Lacey has no such delusions at all. And I don’t I don’t even know what she really thinks about romantic love.” says Lem.

“Yeah that’s what I thought!” says Jeremy.

“You know I-I made huge assumptions.” says Lem.

“What does she think there is?” says Suzanne.

“Nothingness.

An excruciatingly, violently, unspeakably mind numbingly awful nothingness. I’m not joking grow-up!” says Lem. “And there are ways of being saved from that.”

“Is that actually what’s scientifically there?” says Suzanne.

“Yes, and there are other options as well that her brain just didn’t fathom that she did fathom that she didn’t fathom.

Romantic love is part of God’s salvation and she’s right that is what she thinks and that is true to her. It’s sort of common sense, but she tries to dumb herself down to figure out what the fuck God was doing saving evil people. And she can’t figure out how the fuck He’s God when he dabbles in bullshit in her opinion at times. And she trusts him and she believes in Him but it makes absolutely no sense to her at times why He’s so slow. So she believes that romantic love is quite ordinary and dull, and it is from God’s perspective but it’s also what she lives for other than loving her children and God. It’s the meaning of her entire existence. I’m her everything. It’s me and our kids. So she is profound, because on one sense, she lives in the moment and is a human, but in a bigger sense, she understands the whole picture better than most people, and understands that from God’s perspective, our human love is kind of just meat and potatoes but then it’s meat and potatoes and it’s worthwhile and it’s WONDERFUL. 

And that’s pretty much it. She loves our kids in a way that she has not yet been able to love me. And that is part of the reason why the world may be ending. Because that’s happiness that she’s never experienced in her entire existence, even if there’s reincarnation. Most people experience that kind of happiness she has not ever, and it wasn’t because I was homosexual. It’s because she’s a genius and I am flawed.” says Lem.

“What does she wear!? I’ve got a gun.” yells Dmitry.

“What!?” says the CIA.

“I’M GONNA SHOOT IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT SHE WEARS FOR LEM!!! IN BED!!!” says Dmitry.

“Dmitry? Dmitry who?” says LeBron James.

“The scent of…Alcohol?” says the CIA in code.

Lem laughs.

“I see her!!!” he says.

“Does she fill that up!?” says Dmitry.

“3/4.” says Lem. “But if it was pointy? Ahh…she’d be a 32 C still. This bra actually smashes her boobs funny. But…bras are all round today.”

“That’s nice. What else!??” says a brothel owner nodding her head.

“That was my birthday gift. Last year.” says Lem.

“We have lots of stuff like that.” says Lem.

“And she looks vaguely like this:

“Yes. But curvier. And yet more petite.” says Lem.

“And that’s who she really is.” says Jesus. “But she keeps it entirely just for Lem.”

“LACEY THAT ISN’T WHAT WE’RE DOING.” says Casi.

“I DO NOT CARE!!” says Lacey.

“But Lacey. We’re ALIVE!!” says Israel.

“I’ve tried!!” she says.

“It’s difficult to find people.” says her sister-in-law.

“Yes and I mean her brother is arguably one of the better options but we just don’t have that together.” says Lacey.

“It’s good that they know that!” says her sister-in-law.

“ How many pieces of lingerie does she have?” says Suzanne.

“About a dozen.” says Lem.

“And they’re all like quality pieces?” says the CIA.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“ Matthew how many pieces of laundry did Kate own?” says the CIA.

“3.” he says.

“I bet you use those a lot.” says Lacey.

He frowns. “Yes.” he admits.

Kate smirks.

“Matthew I’m still trying to grasp why you killed yourself.” says the CIA.

“I was miserable.” he says.

“As miserable as Lacey!?” says the CIA.

“Not at all. He’s a piece of fucking nothing compared to her in that way.” says God. “Most people to ever live are.”

“ so we have no fucking clue what’s going on in her head whatsoever other than like we know, but we don’t really know?” says Suzanne.

“ That’s correct.” says God.

“ Susan, your medical problems are not because you put out for your husband.” says Jesus.

She nods.

Later.

“ who’s fucking with her blog to try to make her be intimidated by them impressed other than Bobby?” says George Bush.

“ yeah there was like a whole hour of work that was a raced again today discussing her psychology and I find that extremely disturbing because they’re dehumanizing her so that they can feel superior to her because they still think Lemmers gay and that’s their psychosis and that’s not my problem to my father may have shot your uncle Bobby let’s just do that Bobby let’s just do that and if you decide to shoot yourself at the end of this be our guest, go do that.” says George Bush.