“Why That Dress?” by Lem

“Okay. WHY!?” says Mr. Cologne 76. “Why this dress!?”

“Why NOT!?” says God.

He panics. “It’s cheap.”

“No. It’s not!” says God.

“But it’s New York City!” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“I KNOW!!!” yells Lacey in a restrained posh voice.

“Why do you do that!?” says Mira.

“Because you’re dumb…and I can’t stand being around you when I’m watching something brilliant…because you ruin it!!” yells Lacey.

“She’s right. Do you actually know opera?” says Dmitry.

“YES!!!!” shrieks God.

“Why are you talking to God? You should be addressing Allah!” jokes the Muslim perfume community.

Lacey laughs.

“Why though?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.

“What’s wrong with it!??” says Lacey.

He shakes his head no. Like a Black American man.

She waits.

“Why!?” he says.

She tries not to laugh.

“It’s really for the reasons I just said.” says Lacey.

“Oh! So this is a…’Leave me alone!’ dress?” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“YES.” says Lacey.

“It really is!!” says Michael Rockefeller emphatically.

“I just don’t like it.” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“Well…but how bad is it REALLY!?” says Lacey.

His wife looks at her.

“It’s not that bad! But I mean come on!” he says.

Lacey stares at him puzzled.

“It’s just so…modest.” he decides to say.

“EXACTLY!” she says. “It’s not overly modest. It’s…just modest enough to be left alone.” says Lacey.

“I’d see her naked in lingerie later. Why would I need to see her naked during the performance?” asks Michael.

“It’s THE OPERA.” says Lacey.

“Actually she’s right. That’s totally appropriate!” says Chris Hayes. “My wife might wear that to the opera.”

“And look nice!” says Lacey.

“But it’s so plain!” says a Manhattan socialite.

“GO AWAY YOU WHORE!!!” whispers Lacey as a yell. “STOP THREATENING ME TO START NUCLEAR WAR YOU PARASITE!!!”

“I’m not trying to start nuclear war!” she says.

“Oh good so you don’t piss upside down either then?” says Lacey.

“No!” she says.

“Then what do you want? Are you selling Girl Scout cookies?” says Lacey. 

“No I’m challenging you with my meager $7 billion that is not really mine but the investors but I have authority to take a lot of it with your trillions in oil and that doesn’t even make sense.” she says.

“You’re a bimbo.” says Dennis Anderson to her.

“That oil is entirely ours and when you take it if you try to you’ll damn yourselves. No I am unfortunately far more powerful than you astronomically more powerful than you are and I don’t hate you…but you when talked to me earlier today for no reason and attacked me it was a declaration of war…and that’s all that happened. I’m sorry.” says Lacey. “So now I’m trying to find out what it is that you want little girl.”

“My friend Bobby claims to be in love with your husband.” she says, laughing.

Lacey laughs with her.

“Oh I see!” says Lacey.

“Yes, I think he has quite the crush on him!” she says.

“Has Mark Schiebel ever met him or not?” asks Lacey.

“I don’t think he ever has actually no.” she says.

“Well then I hope that works out well for him. Thank you for telling me why you came to see me.” says Lacey.

Lacey cuts off heads if necessary.

She leaves.

“Why were you laughing?” says a man.

“Because it’s very unlikely.” says Lacey.

“She knows that people wear like athleisure wear to the opera you guys why are you like attacking her for wearing a reasonably expensive nice silk dress?” asks MSNBC.

“Because I can’t believe that she would do that. I just can’t believe she’s ever do that.

You guys just hate her. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that dress.” says a woman.

“No it’s black it’s boring. It’s modest but it’s appropriate. I’m actually being very respectful because it’s not overly expensive but it’s expensive enough to be a serious dress.” says Lacey.

“Lacey he’s trying to impersonate billionaires.” says her neighbor.

Later.

“I’m going to take everyone’s rage, narcissism and confusion, and arrogance and evil, and make it all about this conversation in the name of Jesus if I can.” says Lacey.

“ all right I want to know why you’re wearing that dress because I have this idea in my head that you wore very different clothing.” says Mr. Cologne 76.