“Charles” by Lem

“She’s poor though!” says Bobby.

“I’m trying to snub her Bobby and it’s not working because she doesn’t wanna fuck me!” says King Charles III to Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Have you tried looking, sexy!?” says JFK’s residual energy.

“Yes and she still doesn’t think that I am arousing. It’s very scary.” says King Charles III.

“It’s OK. She ugly anyway she look like ugly woman it’s fine!” says JFK.

“I’m not gonna keep talking to her. She’s hurting my feelings!” says King Charles III, suddenly pouting.

“Just snub her they had a farm house! So it’ll work!” says Bobby.

“I don’t have to be your friend because your family only has a stupid farm house and I’m a king so you’re icky poopy pants!” says King Charles III to Lacey.

“Except Charles that’s not quite how the class system works.” says Lacey.

“How does she know to call him Charles!? That woman’s totally a fraud and the whole family is a con-artist game! They’re a bunch of weirdos yeah!” says the spirit leading him. 

“I am the king of England bitch just because there’s silversmiths in your family and your family owns oil that’s intimidating to all major world powers and and you’re in the upper class doesn’t mean that I have to be your friend! ….I am King Charles!! OK!” says King Charles III.

“Umm…does my family have more oil than anything you have of any value in your entire family?” says Lacey.

“Yes, Charles, that is accurate. Their oil is more valuable than any of our family’s possessions.” says his brother.

“So why do I have to give a shit what you say you clown?” says Lacey.

“You don’t.” says King Charles III.

“So then why I don’t just take over your whole fucking country? That’s how that works.

There’s no a royal family anymore.

And in this context I can and I do own you all.

I guess Scotland’s running the entire British Empire.

Or at least what’s left through me from the 1800’s.

Yep, that’s how that happens…and you’re not getting it back this time until I decide otherwise.

What does that mean? That you’re just my little peasant slaves because that’s all it seems you can be. You don’t seem to have more depth than a street sweeper at best Charles. You seem like a fucking ugly little prick from the gutter with the dignity of a street sweeper.

Do you like to- Do you like to read the ‘naked papers’ Charles? Do you take them to bed with your horny wife…and look at them together…and have some good ol’ Charlie’s?” jokes Lacey.

“Yeah she just did that, Charles.” says the CIA.

“I’ve been trying to talk to him politely for the last hour to two hours, and they have no empathy almost at all. They’re cock-sucking little cowards from the gutter at this point.” says Lacey. “They want to believe that I am authentic and reincarnated and ‘slow as shit’ for not believing that and being more intellectual and open-minded like a high class person. But then they don’t really wanna believe that because if they do then they have to take the whole thing seriously in a real way and have an authentic discussion with themselves about social class and they can’t do that.

Charles is desperate to think that I’m ugly and poor. It’s like psychosis with him I’m not exaggerating.

And the truth is the British aristocracy has been seduced by Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen and Bobby Kennedy for the last 30 to 40 years.

And the British aristocracy doesn’t understand that that they’re real. They are deranged browbeaten little idiots at this point.

Later.

“You’re Harry’s father.

And all these year we’ve wondered where such a wild, irresponsible…foul…peasant could have come from. …You’re a Greek. And a Danish man. Who’s into boobs in hot tubs.

But Charles…your mother just died three years ago. And we know that’s not her way. Nor is it Kate’s way. Nor was is Diana’s way.

Charles…you have no idea what you’re DOING.” says the EU.

Later.

“Why did you force her to out you publicly as an idiot?” says Lady Diana.

“I did learn how to be ‘myself’ in all my middle-class lower class buffoonery from my father not my mom.” says Harry.

“Charles are you middle class genetically from your father?” asks the entire US.

“Yes he is.” admits Great Britain. “There are a lot of people who wish that William had just taken over the country or even Harry at this point instead of him because he seems to be a cantankerous, spoiled rich brat from some lower class shipping family in Greece, at best.”

“Are you kind of a dirty old man like your brother Andrew? Are you all really just like Greek trash?” says Great Britain to King Charles III.

“Well Beatrice and Eugenie are British on their mother’s side and so is William but I do worry that I do think more like a ski instructor from some fallen Greek family Greek Danish family, than the King of England.” says King Charles III.

“Well I think that he’s my handsome husband. I adore him!” says Camilla Parker Bowles.

“Did you marry up genetically by marrying Camilla?” says Great Britain.

“No I didn’t. No, I didn’t, but when I married Diana I found her incredibly attractive, but I married up. Okay!? …And…she was so much better than me and yet she wasn’t supposed to be.” says King Charles III. “It was HELL.”

“I am a psychic medium in Long Island and I am so freaking confused. How does this woman keep doing this even if she’s Scotia? How does this keep happening!??” says a psychic in New Jersey.

“Charles do you feel fit enough to be the king or are you going to have to abdicate in the next few years and let Harry or William be in charge?” says Great Britain.

“You could be the King Father?” says Lacey jokingly.

“Well he’s so progressive with his fantastic Hollywood friendships that I don’t understand why he wouldn’t think that was just the coolest thing ever!” says Lem.

“Ah…actually Charles they’re right. That is your aesthetic: the progressive cool kit. So if that’s not really what you are then OK but if that’s who you are, then why wouldn’t you want to be the King father and just retire and let William be in charge?” says Queen Elizabeth I.

“Because I am enjoying being King.” says Charles III.

“But if you reject Christ, you can’t be the King of Great Britain.” says God.

“Did you guys try to have a conversation about reincarnation last night, Lacey?” says the psychic medium.

“Yes, I did because I would like to know what’s going on, but I wasn’t able to sort it out. People are very arrogant nowadays and they either assume that there’s reincarnation when it’s not that clear that there is or they assume that there isn’t when it’s not 100% clear that there isn’t.” says Lacey. “Poor John Paul II would have talked to me about reincarnation. If there’s an Illuminati he would’ve talked to me. The current Pope is a snobby middle-class jerk even if he has some good intentions, and he isn’t interested in having conversations about reincarnation because I don’t think he understands it necessarily himself. And instead of being real about that, he hides it by acting snobby and bothered.”

Mr. Cologne 76 nods. Rolls his eyes.

“So if there is reincarnation Charles, I think you’ve upset people because she actually is from the Rosslyn family and you’re supposed to be very impressed by that but you don’t seem to comprehend the idea at all.” says the psychic.

“NO! I won’t STAND FOR THIS!!!” screams Mary Steenburgen as her husband claps.

“Shut-up a nice psychic is listening with a conscience. You can’t do stuff like that when people are listening!” says JFK.

“Why don’t you understand that she can’t find a picture of Sarah Stephens, the young woman you keep thinking you’re talking to she’s just some random woman from Lacey‘s memory bank from childhood that’s not Lacey!!” yells the CIA at King Charles III.

“Sarah and I were actually kind of ugly compared to Lacey even as little girls and you’re probably thinking that that’s who you’re talking to because you read Jack’s energy and you also read her energy and her energy is beautiful and pristine and that’s upsetting to you and so you know that you don’t want to talk to her like she’s Jack because that’s obviously not who she is so you prefer to think that she’s this residual energy from childhood or something or it could be me. But that’s not her.” says Kasey Johnson.

“I don’t like to think of her as a pretty woman because it’s very scary and upsetting!!” says King Charles III crying.

“Why!?” says Lem.

“Oh, because who is that?!?” says King Charles with a Greek accent.

“That’s a beautiful woman!” says Annie Murphy.

“No she’s a con artist!

Take her away from me!!

Scary scary eww!!!” screams King Charles III in a Greek accent.

He starts talking to an advisor.

“I understand that they are landed OK!?

But it’s not Great Britain. It’s shit land in North Dakota and OK so they have millions even without the oil and there’s silversmiths in her family! They are PEASANTS compared to me. There is no silversmith who is impressive like the British royal family, BABY!!” he says. He laughs.

“OPA!!” someone yells at King Charles III.

“Don’t make fun of my aristocratic Greek family!!” he says in a whiny, snotty voice.

“So silversmiths are just shit compared to you Charles, now that you married into the British aristocracy?” says God.

“Yeah…my dad married into the British aristocracy so now we don’t gotta worry about no silversmiths bitch!” says King Charles III.

“Who else don’t you have to worry about? Silversmiths aren’t impressive anymore even if they’re prestigious, apparently? So yeah who else!?” says God.

“No I mean Hollywood actors worth $1 million or so in my league because their hot celebrities with a profile online! so Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen are like in my league OK!? They’re worth about $50 million and her father was worth that much when he was alive and he’s dead so I don’t have to worry about that.

I know their power is just bullying people and bullying people some more but that’s how the aristocracy works Lacey you just bully people. You don’t have to back it up with anything like intelligence or oil or gold. You just shake your ass and tell people to go and shove it where the sun don’t shine!” says King Charles III.

“That’s not historically accurate. That’s what it became when the whole world started to go into decay because of over-consumption and global issues with overproduction of fossil fuels but that’s not really reality, Charles.” says Oxford.

“No that can’t be accurate. Oh my God you guys! No, I am your king. You love me!” says King Charles III, getting drunk.

Israel laughs.

“No let’s be nice about this!

Charles? Hollywood celebrity is worth $1 million net worth at the present moment? And they are your buddies if they have a celebrity profile online? Is that accurate?” says Palestine.

“Yes, that’s my social class. That’s the real elite if they’re in the Illuminati.” says King Charles III.

“How is that more impressive than a silver smith of historic epic proportion?” says God.

“ because it’s all about perception like JP Kennedy said he’s my hero. I’ve always admired him secretly I told Bobby that once and like your family oh my God I am such a fan girl I joke with them sometimes I’m like I am so your fan girl and I am I know that was gay but I humor Lacey because I’m just a really nice guy but I’m so sure he was gay absolutely 100% totally sure so I’m, anyway I’m like it’s about perception it’s not about reality and style. It’s just about perception OK? Because like the media runs the world that’s just like a fundamental historical traditional fact that the media runs the world that’s just how it’s always done that the media has always run the world on, so if you’re in with the media, and they like yo than him, then you’re a really big deal

So like Lacey is just not cool enough I’m not totally why we rejected her arm because she’s a Park icky icky and one was gay so that’s how that works.” says King Charles III.

“ that’s not reality, Charles you seem like an ignorant hick.” says God.

“ then I’m just gonna shoot my Scooty buddy big ass and worship Ola OK loser!” says King Charles III.

“ why did you kill Diana Camila?” says the CIA.

“ because I was worried about Islam infiltrating Great Britain.” says Camilla Parker Bowles.

“so then who is running the country right now?” says the CIA.

“ oh, that would probably be me in a sense or William him or if they don’t meet the standards required then we’re in deep shit.” says Camilla Parker Bowles.

“ so Charles tell us more about the social class according to you, which is absolute bullshit and clearly part of the reason why were in global turmoil right now, because in your mind, you think celebrities run the world, but tell us more about this?” says the CIA.

“ well, Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t a celebrity OK but he knew how to party and my brother became friends with him because he’s an elitist snob unlike me.” says King Charles III.

“ go on!” says Palestine.

“ so I’m not like that OK I knew that he was a billionaire but that DeLon his girlfriend was really just an a social climbing Slavic Jewish whore. So I wasn’t as impressed with them, but Andrew found them fascinating because they had so much money and he thought the lawn was charming in her own sad, sort of way, and so being a bit of a pervert, but not like some people, he decided to go try to have sex with teenage girls. He doesn’t like children, but he thinks teenage girls are exciting for some reason And I know that’s not the thing I know that’s bad I’m not a pedophile at all. But William feels bad for pedophiles, because a lot of Hollywood people are into that right now like Chrissy Teigen and John legend, a lot of those people believe that children or adults we just don’t understand it yet.

They don’t think that pedophilia is a disease they think it’s brilliance and insight into the human condition because children aren’t really children you say they’re special creatures of light and then when they grow up, they just morph into humans using alien technology.

And I’m not so sure about the alien technology, but it fascinates me I’m a real intellect you know I try to be him and so it’s possible but I can’t quite believe that one.

So no silver smiths are out who gives a shit about sterling silver people don’t even use that anyway, I mean I still use it because it’s dear to me, but I prefer classier more modern technology for my dinnerware and I I know that some people are super into that sort of thing in my country and it’s our aesthetic. It’s what I grew up with. I’m comfortable with it, but I like to think of myself as more of a arm Forward, thinking man.

So I’ll I like to do sleek lines and sort of a Hollywood aesthetic I’m a huge fan of America oh my gosh I would love to be American but I’m I’m not entirely keen on it because then you can go to the French Riviera and I don’t get to do that much if ever, but Scotland someone’s asking me about Scotland. Yeah, I mean that was mummies thing but we’re gonna get rid of bar bar bar, Morro by Mark that was mommies thing I’m Scottish, but I also like to shake my ass in the sunshine you know what I’m saying butch?

So I, I guess I’m a bit of a Greek I know I like to do a little dancing eat a little tabouli take a little sun on my belly!

And sometimes I do a little skiing sometimes I do a little cheese eating you know all those danish things danish modern hello thank you fantastic aesthetic. Why am I this way? Because I am rejecting my mommy. I am rebellious.” says Charles.

“ you’re also in your 70s and she’s dead from old age.” says the CIA.

“ him but that’s not. You know that’s not reality. Reality is that I am the youth vote of a of a visit Great Britain. I am a breath of fresh air but from a very familiar place. I am traditional and I acts like the king in public. I do my job, but I don’t cartel to the Stufy old jackasses who run my country. There is no more great Britain. It’s just a bunch of cool kids.” says King Charles III.

Bobby lets out a fart to celebrate. Literally.

“ I don’t think that’s great Britain. I really don’t think so. I think you’re misunderstanding things Charles.” says a British reader.

“ you know people say I’m sheltered and they say that I live in a bubble and then I don’t really know my own people but I know that’s not true.” says King Charles III.

“ are Charles tell us more about social class according to you?” says Palestine.

“ what’s whatever Bobby says he’s my best friend him he’s the coolest guy I know!

So I mean, I’ve tried to listen to Lacey‘s antics, but I just can’t take her seriously because I’m a super genius myself and I am extremely intelligent and I just don’t really think that she is worth a damn as a human compared to me. I felt the same way about Diana at the end of the day. She was just a very over emotional over complicated weirdo kind of like my mother, which is why I just couldn’t stand her because it’s like you go away and just stop over complicating everything I’m a man I have needs I like steak I like tats I like hot tubs I like skiing I like drugs but not too many I mean Diana had a Coke addiction for a while because she couldn’t handle it she kept getting high and screaming and getting scared and stuff and I didn’t give a shit cause I was just like oh my God it’s just cocaine chill out. I mean like people snort cocaine all the time in the Greek, the Greek islands on ships. It’s so common and my people are obviously there doing that and she’s just like this tenderhearted sweet little prissy bitch and I’m just like shut like get a room with yourself a loser!

Like she was so in love with herself, I was just laying down on your way to complicate it stop all your navel, gazing Diana!

I know my father was a hero. He was a British hero.

My great grandfather, who was a fuck that was I guess he was the king of England I mean oh my God, who even gives a shot George yeah I know I’m sure he had some stupid stuff he pretentious name like George like who names their kid George? EWW!!

So, my great grandfather, George I mean, my grandfather, George on my my grandfather, George I didn’t really get to meet him because he was a smoker. EWW!

So I didn’t really get to meet him and that’s sad I guess but whatever like down with British colonialism baby! *he laughs* I mean I am like evil, so I totally tap into that aesthetic to do like painting and like when I’m feeling evil I’m like oh I am a sexy British overlord. Wow!

So wow!

But no, I mean, I guess my grandfather charge was like kind of a big deal or something um but like he randomly country is king and then my mother, my mother was the queen of England. I know everyone knows that I’m so fucking sick of hearing about her all the fucking time.

Oh my dad it was such a kiss ass! Holy shit!! Eww!” says King Charles III.

“Mm. Wow!

But tell us more about social class according to you?” says Great Britain.

“Social class is a British thing but we’re not doing that anymore. Because it’s the American century.” says King Charles III.

“What is your understanding then of social class yourself?” says the BBC.

“It doesn’t exist. It’s just about bullies and not bullies.” says King Charles III.

“That’s not reality.” says God.

“Ok so who is not upper class then besides the silversmiths?” says Great Britain.

“I don’t think the British aristocracy exists anymore at all because almost none of them have any of their former wealth, or even their former homes.

I don’t think I can rely on them.

I don’t think they exist at all.

The House of Peers is a bunch of bullshit, so that’s just nonsense. It’s not real.” says King Charles III.

“Oh wow so titles don’t mean anything in Great Britain anymore then?” says a reader.

“ no they don’t. We call ourselves the firm because we consider ourselves lawyers for the nation of Great Britain.” says King Charles III. “We have the wealth of like a mediocre, fucking lawyer.

it’s a joke my father made-up and then bullied my mother into going along with to make fun of her. That little bitch! That’s what he was thought. That little bitch!

My mother was very submissive to my father, and he kind of loved her, but not that much because she’s just a stupid old fashioned person.

And so I’m not like that at all and it intimidated my dad but I’m like him and so is Anne and so is Andrew and so is Philip. We’re all cool like my dad.

But we call ourselves the firm because we think of ourselves like lawyers we walk around and stupid suits all the time and we’re so stupid liking you guys so we look stupid it’s like hi I am here to shake your hand in a suit!” says King Charles III.

“ Charles that’s not what people think.” says the BBC.

“ no they think we’re like clowns they don’t take us seriously at all. It’s a joke!” says King Charles III.

“ no they don’t Charles. They think you are a king like your grandfather.” says the BBC.

“ well, I mean that’s awfully nice. I have to say I do like the people in my country. They are awesome people but I just think we look so stupid. That’s why we call ourselves The Firm we’re making fun of ourselves because who the hell are we? We’re just a bunch of stupid lawyers it’s like why the hell are we taking ourselves so damn seriously?” says King Charles III.

“ go on I am I am so in agreement with you. Oh my God yeah!” says JFK.

“ yeah, keep talking this is a good I know it’s not Jack Jack he sounds stupid!” says Red Fay.

JFK looks sad.

“Jack he sound stupid!” says Red Fay.

“ no he’s so smart he sound right he sound like a very intelligent man I like him he’s handsome keep going. Don’t listen to Red Fay!” says JFK, crying.

“ bubba I think you’re brave I think you’re smart I think you’re pretty obviously and I just think you need to keep telling us everything because I think that this is the truth of the world needs about what it really means to be British and obviously your people might disagree with you, but who cares fuck him just give us the more the 411 tell us more about how reality really works.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior to King Charles III.

“ am I I mean so. Basically there is no British aristocracy Bobby there’s just a bunch of people who don’t like me because I screwed over Diana and I’m kind of a jack ass who apparently have titles but like who cares.

So I mean, they don’t really like me that much but fuck him I agree with you fuck him out to hell because it doesn’t really matter what they think it matters Bobby is what we think him you know our friends are community of elites him, the real world community that that is what matters those are the people who really count, and I just surround myself with your love every day and it comforts me so much because it’s just like what gets me going every day. The thought that I am part of something bigger than myself you know it’s like when we visit shelters when we visit the homeless I just think about the atrocities of the British empire, and how shitty we are and where is people and then you know the Kennedys came along and taught us how to really be stable, loving people as an empire.

I mean it’s like who are we who are we really we are we’re not elites like grandma and mommy thought and grandpa who smoked too much where elite like what like you know like the hot guys that I’ve seen in Greece who are buffer than I am, I’m fatter frankly, but I know Harry he just went for it. Maybe he just left this pretension and said I’m going to embrace my inner self and live hard and went well and live any and I’m proud of him for that because I’ve never had the guts to just leave the shed hall and go really be myself.

But Bobby up you’re my guide you’re my buddy oh my gosh I love you so much and I am I just I surround myself with the love of of the universe with the love of the stars and I just say hey this is life OK I have to be the king of England and there are people who count on me.

There are people who count on me and I’m not you know I’m not like the Kennedys I’m not as loving as those people you know if you guys let’s be honest, I suck shit compared to them everyone’s knowing that for decades I was so impressed by that family when I was growing up because they were so loving. There’s so much hope and optimism and and them and I just thought you know someday when I grow up if I ever get to be king, I’m gonna be like the Kennedys I’m gonna be like Jack and Bobby And I’m going to really find a way to actually be something that matters to the world and poor people.

And I’m going to be something that matters to poor people. Because the British colonial us are in the world everyone knows that and so my way of handling the fact that our country is worthless Schatz is to just say I’m gonna be a Kennedy. I’m gonna embrace the world and I’m just gonna be whatever the hell they tell me to be.” says King Charles III.

“ so so you don’t see the British empire Charles as being the British empire anymore?” says Floris.

“ no I think we’ve transcended and elevated ourselves beyond that that was our evil utero stage as a people. We the atrocities in our Africa the atrocities around the world are so grave and astounding that him that it’s up to us now to just let the world tell us whatever it wants you know just just whatever the world says to do we do it because within reason, I mean, I’m a reasonable man I’m not gonna apologize for things that would mean that we’re suddenly in a worthless so if I were to apologize to Africa, that’s too much because that’s because then we lose our bully pulpit. We lose our bowling pop it so I can apart. What is that you and I were very good friends I was very good friends with Margaret Thatcher she hated my mother because my mother was a pretentious, not according to her, and she felt as an Irish bitch That I am that are great. Britain was just like a joke, but then she also felt as an English woman that we really needed to watch our ass. So we couldn’t like apologize to Africa because if we did that in the whole world, I think we’re a bunch of fucking cucks. But you know I mean who gives a shit about formal policies anyway. Damn.

But basically, it’s just about you know being tough and being a bully, because money isn’t really the thing anymore because of cryptocurrency.

Given the progress of AI and the space race to the to Mars I I think and cryptocurrency according to Bobby that’s that’s not something we have to worry about anymore.” says King Charles III.