“*Eye-Roll*”

“What did you feel for Maggie Lake?” says MSNBC forcefully to Lacey.

“I’m a ‘nutcase’.” says Lacey.

“Were you trying to be a lesbian.” says the gay man from last night.

“No. …I was trying…life.” says Lacey.

“That’s lesbianism, Lacey!” says a gay man.

“Yes…indeed.” says Lacey.

“You’re not just an intellectual concept.” says a psychologist to Lacey.

Lacey thinks.

“I didn’t think she’d notice.” says Lacey. “People don’t often really notice me.”

“Let me take over!!!” says Chris Dodds laughing. “So…you thought…she’d be like the men in our generation have been to you?”

“Possibly???” says Lacey. “I think I thought it would blow over.”

“Okay.” says a male reader.

“You thought I’d fall out of love with you?” says Maggie.

“No!” says Lacey. “It’s not like that.”

“You thought it was just…nothing.” says Chris Dodds.

“Yes.

SO often I’ve had very deep conversations with people even…just as friends…and…then it just evaporates. Right into thin air. …Often without me doing anything. I thought it would likely just…pass. She’d…find someone she really liked…and…then who cares.?” says Lacey.

“So you had no feelings for her?” says a professor.

Lacey thinks.

A gay man empathizes with Lacey. He rolls his eyes.

“Yikes.” Lacey says to the gay man.

“Don’t worry. They do it to me too in their heads.” he says to Lacey.

She feels safe. Tries to think.

“We’re just waiting for our husbands to come pick us up.” he says on their behalf as they eat salads quietly away from everyone else.

A moment later.

“I think I’m just weird. …Not weird. Just…embarrassingly…intellectual.” says Lacey

“Go on!” says the completely gay man sipping iced water.

Lacey bites her pinky finger nail, thinking.

“It was…nothing. …I feel so bad saying that. But…it was just…an observation.” says Lacey.

“Did you ever want to kiss her?” he says.

“Not really.” says Lacey.

“Did she ever try to kiss you?” he says.

“Possibly. …I told her to stop.” says Lacey.

“What were you observing?” he says.

“The…persona’s emotions.” says Lacey. “My persona’s emotions.”

Elon Musk laughs.

“What did your persona feel!?” asks the gay man.

“I don’t know. It was too gross.” says Lacey. “I think they were…being…

Actually I don’t know.

You’d have to ask them.

They aren’t me.” says Lacey.

“Who the fuck…is this persona!?” he says.

“I don’t know. …It’s the way I distance myself from people. People are SO overly personal. So informal. …SO pushy. And yet not…loving. So nosy! So…I’ve developed a persona. Just like everyone. …And I think she was engaged in some…romance with my persona. But not really me. And…I registered the emotions. But it’s not…me.” says Lacey.

“But your persona is you!” says a psychologist.

“No! Hardly.” says Lacey. “It’s just a persona.”

“Why are you guys making such a big deal about this woman’s perception of what happened? They never kissed! They never touched! And when she tried to kiss Lacey, Lacey told her to stop.” says the CIA.

“Were you experimenting!?” says Maggie.

“No!” says Lacey. “It was a persona.”

“Who is this persona?” asks a gay man.

“I don’t know. …I wonder if I was trying to figure that out.” says Lacey.

“That wasn’t you!??” says Maggie.

“No, it was me, but it was a persona.” says Lacey.

“That’s not a persona.” says Maggie.

“Why are you all so fucking up in my face all of the time then?!” bites Lacey.

“So you invented a coping strategy for all the Americans in your face in the 20th century of what you thought was a persona!?” asks a Native American woman.

“Yes…because I don’t know how else to relate to you all. It’s just so abrasive. So I invented this sort of hodgepodge sort of free-for-all way of relating that I know isn’t really me it’s just a sort of way of relating to everybody and it’s consistent. It’s a personality, but it’s not like my actual inner emotions or self. It’s a façade. I know for a fact that’s very common that almost everyone has that…so you guys can’t trick me into thinking that that’s not normal. So back the fuck off with your bullshit. That being said, it might not be the way that most people think. I’m smarter than most of you possibly and you’re bothered by that because you’re all bunch of lunatic narcissists? And you would never think to analyze people falling in love with your persona because you’re not that conscientious. Or that lonely or alienated from society, as I am.

And a lot of you were loved by your parents and I wasn’t. So you don’t have the inner thought life that I have, which really makes me a victim and kind of a hero in a way that you’re not. Potentially. The thing is though it might not really be a true persona. It might actually be unfortunately something a little bit worse than that because I just…I’ve never been able to develop a true persona possibly because I’m so different than most people, but I’ve never found a way to sort of express my actual self appropriately and develop a normal persona…if that’s where you’re going with it.” says Lacey.

“I don’t think I was in love!” says Maggie.

“Mmm…no. …I kinda think you were.” says Lacey.

Maggie looks angry.

Lacey waits.

“Okay I was.” admits Maggie.

Lacey thinks. “See I don’t know how to help you because I would love to break the façade and help you see that who you’re in love with doesn’t exist, but do that in a loving way and I’m not sure how to do that. Because I’m not even sure what it is you’re in love with.”

“I think it’s just how you look!” says a man.

“Women are very deep!” says Lacey.

Maggie looks concerned.

“I don’t know!” says Lacey.

“Maggie what was it that you were in love with about my wife?” says Lem.

“Did we die and go to Hell Lem? And you’re just waiting for me to die so I can join you and get out of it cause it was temporary?” Lacey asks Lem. 

“And then you and I are the only real people other than our children in this entire world other than your husband, Mark?” says Lem to Lacey.

“Yeah because I cannot believe these are real humans. They seem like robots.” says Lacey. “Like creepy demonic, robots.” 

“There are kids being molested, who feel the same way, and they’re just as human as us. There are other people who are human. Don’t worry.” says Lem.

“Are they all human?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“What the fuck is everyone’s problem!? Why are you all demonizing me for being confused for five fucking seconds relatively speaking?” says Lacey.

“Because Bobby wants to believe that Lem was gay that so are you!!!” says the CIA to Lacey.

“I really think you were just in love with her persona Maggie, and you need to lighten the fuck up!” says Matt Nesheim.

“What were you in love with. If this is a real conversation, and you actually felt something for her that wasn’t just deranged and sadistic then what were you in love with Maggie?” says Dr. Lauermann.

And at that a cup falls off of a counter in Lacey’s kitchen on its own.

“Umm…I thought she-I thought she was really hot.” says Maggie.

“Does that include her personality at all or just how she looks?” says Lem.

“I mean she was fun to be around and she was very intelligent and sensitive and loving and funny and caring and deep and she always seemed to be disturbed by something. …To be honest I think I’ve always liked Nicole Kidman and she kind of reminded me of Nicole Kidman, slightly. There was nothing really gay about her, but I just assumed that there was something between us.” says Maggie.

“There really wasn’t anything that I actually felt for you of any sort of sexual or romantic nature at all but I think there was something that happened between you and my persona and I registered it but I knew that it wasn’t really what I felt. It was weird. It was like I was being tricked or or molested and raped psychologically…even if that’s not what you were doing and it was actually really disturbing…but I was smart enough to realize that it wasn’t real in regard to how I actually felt. And I just thought, ‘You know this is interesting!’ It was interesting to observe, and I was open to the reality that it could be me, but it was never me. It was never like my feelings on the issue. I remember sitting in the library thinking to myself, ‘I wonder what’s going on between my persona and Maggie?’ but I never labeled it my persona, but I did wonder consciously in a very quiet part of my brain what was going on between the two of you. But I thought, ‘I have no fucking clue what that is!’ and I just…I mean there’s nothing I could do. I told you that I was straight and I wasn’t interested and I meant it and not respecting that is deranged. There are some people who say no and don’t mean it, but you have to be extremely careful with that, and I was very clearly saying no in a real way.

I think it’s possible that you were interacting with demons or ghosts, who are sadistically harassing me who fooled you into thinking that I was interested when I wasn’t but no…I didn’t feel anything for you personally and I do recall thinking, ‘What am I going to do?’ You know it’s like, ‘How am I going to get rid of her?’ but I think I just assumed that it would just blow over. Because it’s just like, ‘Why wouldn’t it!?’ And you know, to be honest, it did…because you did get involved with a lot of other people. A lot of other men and women. And our friendship died. And I’ve always just assumed that you probably rarely ever thought of me, if at all. But if there’s an Illuminati they’re obsessed with you because they’re trying to prove that Lem was gay and that I am full of it about being better than them.” says Lacey.

“ALL TRUE!!” yells Elliott Roosevelt.

“Lacey I don’t think you felt anything for her!” says a Rockefeller.

“No, I don’t think I did either but thank you for saying that, I think.” says Lacey.

“Where is that line then?” says the gay man from last night.

“Thank you for finally asking a personal question.” says Lacey. She shakes her head. “The thing is: what line are we even talking about!?!”

“So because you’re Lem Billings’s twin flame I think Jack was trying to figure out what happened between him and Lem…by using you because I think he assumed a ton of stupid shit and so it’s the line between a friendship and something more.” he says.

“You know the problem is I’m not sure I felt that sort of friendship with her. I don’t know if anything we had was even that deep.” says Lacey.

He winces. “Do you feel more of an authentic friendship with me?” he says.

“Yes where is the line for us? I don’t know but I don’t think we’ve really crossed it at all. And I know you’re a tiny bit bisexual but I don’t think we’ve really crossed it hopefully at all.” says Lacey.

“I feel like I have a tiny bit but maybe that’s not something that you would register.” he says.

“No I did not register it and that’s too bad but I think we’re OK.” says Lacey.

“We are!!” he says.

“So there’s no line for us!?” says Maggie.

“I don’t even know how to begin to even perceive that.” says Lacey.

“Maggie I think she was trying to be loving to you. I’m not sure that the friendship was ever all that sincere. I’m sorry.” says the gay man from last night.

“Yeah, I might have a tiny bit of a friendship with him. I don’t know, but I am-I’m not really one to easily form friendships with almost anybody. I had a friendship with Queen Elizabeth II. I have a friendship with Mark, my legal husband, and I guess you could say that Lem and I are friends, but even if I have possibly minor friendships with some people in the Illuminati or elsewhere, I don’t really have a lot of actual friends and I think what we had was maybe sort of a friendship but not really???” says Lacey. “It is just that I was very bullied as a little girl and and my parents were atrocious in some ways…and so I developed a habit of just sort of taking care of people…because that’s how people left me alone and didn’t torment me. And so I tended to just take care of people so they wouldn’t try to slit my throat. And it’s very effective because I’m very caring and I’m very smart and you sort of took advantage of that. Most people that I used to be friends with were people who were just using me like a counselor…and I think we might’ve had sort of a friendship, but probably not much. I never really had my needs emotionally met by you at almost at all as a friend and I really just liked being in your company but I wasn’t really close to you the way that I was to Elizabeth or my husband legally.

I think you are stupid as fuck and I have been too but maybe not quite so obstinately in assuming that when I seem indifferent I’m actually very turned on. I’m not like that. That’s somebody else. When I’m indifferent it’s because I’m actually feeling indifferent. There’s nothing more to it. I care and you might sense that but I really just don’t give a shit…even if I actually care as a person in a loving, deep, Christian, highfalutin sort of way.” says Lacey.

“I think it’s just that you talked to me too much.” says Maggie.

“What do you mean?” says Lacey.

“Did you think we were friends?” says Bill Rhea to Lacey.

“Yes, I did but apparently you didn’t.” says Lacey.

“Oh my god that’s not good!!!” says Bill’s wife.

“No it sure as fuck isn’t!!” says Tsar Putin.

“Are we being controlled by the Kennedys?” says an American woman.

“In your brains!?” says God. 

“Yes!” she says.

“In a way you are and in a way it’s actually in your spirit.” says God.

“They have demons who do their bidding who control and manipulate vulnerable people everywhere.” says a demon working for the Illuminati.

“We use a combination of subliminal messages in the media and spiritual effects.” says a dead Rockefeller about the Illuminati.

“Yeah, that makes sense!” says a reader.

“So I don’t understand. I’m free to go!?” says Maggie.

“YES!!!” says Lacey.

“I’m off the hook. Yay!” says Maggie.

“Yup!” says Lacey.

“Maggie she’s serious! Grow-up!!!” says a Messiah College professor.

“Lacey told me that her family didn’t care about her emotions is that true?” says a professor at Messiah College, skeptically. “Because it didn’t fall in line with my perception of the Kennedy administration and Lem Billings’s love affair that I imagined that Larry Lake’s daughter was having with Lacey. It reminded me of Jack and Lem and I was so excited to watch it! Aww!” 

“I killed myself because our family really is that cold.” says Matthew Nesheim.

“There’s no way you’re her cousin!” says the Messiah College professor.

“She was a lot better looking than you and a lot smarter. Are you a narcissistic idiot or are you realizing that I don’t look like her enough?” says Matt.

“I was actually thinking that she looks like Jack but then I stop and think about it and I realize that that’s not at all what she looks like and that that’s kind of creepy. She doesn’t look like him at all. And if anything, Maggie looks like them, not her because Maggie’s Irish and Lacey is not at all. You look incredibly handsome was Lacey really is extraordinarily beautiful as I thought she could be!?!?!” she says freaking out.

“Yes, she looks like Rachel Ward. What’s your problem?” says Matt.

“I don’t think that Lacey was at all attracted to Maggie. I think Maggie was narcissistic and delusional.” says the Messiah College professor.

“You know, what the fuck ever.

I was not attracted to her at all. I’ve been very fucking clear about that with you fucking morons. Maggie you still don’t make sense to me, but sweetie, I think you were just in love with your perception of me and not really me. There could be parts of that that were me but I don’t think it was really me and I know that I wasn’t really feeling anything for you certainly of any sort of significance. I would rather be in Hell than have to touch you in sort any sexual way, aesthetically speaking, and if someone forced me to…I’d slaughter you for eternity. Rip your body apart and smash in your skull. And I swear I mean every fucking word of that. I swear to God. And if that’s not good enough for you then I look forward to crashing in your brain and listening to your anguished wails for eternity.” says Lacey with God behind her, supporting her.

“She does mean every single word of that from the bottom of her absolute soul. I 100% guarantee it. Perhaps of you’re not strong or feminine the way that she is maybe you cognitively can’t understand it but she really does mean it.” says Matthew.

“I actually would love to say that to a few women myself who’ve been obsessed with me over the years. You guys really are like leeches from Hell when you want to be.” says a gay man.

“Why did you assume that she was mistaken about our family?” says Matt.

“Because you come from an old money family, not a Kennedy family.” says the professor.

“Go on!” says Matt.

“Have you guys been controlling immigrant populations using the Kennedys and this family is destroying that?” says a dark skinned reader.

“Whether they meant to or not, I think it ended-up that way.” says Lacey.

“So…she’s possibly telling you the truth.” says a Black reader.

“Not intentionally.” says a Rockefeller.

“Yeah, I don’t think it was that intelligent to be blunt.” says Lacey.

“ I think Maggie was delusional.” says the Messiah College professor. “ I didn’t want to think that Lacey came from a family that didn’t care, because if that was true than Maggie’s perception of her was totally off, and she shared nothing in common with lemon Billings, or Jack Kennedy. And neither of them were in that book at all. But I am very intuitive and I sensed something and it’s probably just that she’s Lem’s twin flame. Because I was reading that book at the time that this happened and Lem’s picture jumped out at me and it was creepy. And I’m realizing that it’s just that his ghost is haunting her because they’re just together. I wouldn’t take anyone seriously about him other than her. This is so spiritual and bizarrely metaphysical that the best psychic in the world could confirm that he was gay and I wouldn’t take it seriously at all I’d I really wouldn’t. I think he was definitely straight and so is she and I find it creepy that Maggie is Irish and so are they and neither Lacey nor Lem are at all.

I wish I could go back in time and have a conversation with her because she was crying out for help and I just pushed her off a cliff because I thought she was like Jack Kennedy. I Wanted to think that because I am a diehard liberal, and I imagined a love story that was ludicrous between them. The problem is the way she said it to me was so desperate. I wanted to laugh at her because she seemed like a Victorian damsel in distress and I’m kind of a feminist bitch. And I wanted to just laugh at her for being so feminine. because I thought shit what a fucking bitch. What do you cry every time you have a period!? Eww! I mean I just hate women like that they’re so fucking weak!

I would just say to her, ‘I don’t what the fuck you’re gonna do!?’” she says.

“ because you have just stared at me and said that?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” she says.

“ are you imagining that she’s gonna come on to you and you’re gonna fulfill all of your school girl dreams!?” says Lem.

“ yes!” she says.

“And if she doesn’t will you imagine that she was too sexually overwhelmed by you to do that or that she’s a liar or something?” says Lem.

“I don’t know.” she says.

“Alright if you done that I probably would’ve responded and said, ‘Alright, thank you so much for your thoughts! I think I need to go.’” says Lacey.

“Would you have come to class after that?” she says.

“Yup, and acted like nothing ever happened.” says Lacey.

“Were you treating Maggie like she was insane?” she indignantly asks.

“Yes, I was because I thought she was insane and she actually was clinically quite mentally-ill, far more severely than I’ve ever been.” says Lacey.

“That’s true.” she says.

“So what would you have done if I just acted like nothing happened?” says Lacey.

“I probably would’ve realized that I’d just kind of bitch slapped you psychologically, and then just sort of forgotten about it.” she says.

“Yes and I would’ve been tempted to kill Maggie just almost out of almost a hatred for her and almost everyone like her.” says Lacey.

“I felt the same way!” says both Hitler and Great Britain.

“What would you have actually done?” asks the Messiah College professor.

“To be honest killing her just seems like the rational thing to do but I know it’s not. Because I knew you were friends with her father and I knew in my gut that you were talking about me and her when you were talking about the Kennedy White House. And I knew that you guys didn’t really understand what was going on, but I just was sort of humoring your stupidity and silliness.

 So what would I have actually done? I also would’ve been tempted to start the library on fire. 

Oh, I probably would’ve finished that semester, and then written a letter to Kim Phipps, explaining that you were a school of repressed homosexuals from Hell essentially, and that I washed my hands and feet of all of you.” says Lacey. “And if you wanted to harass me that I would take it to the grave and make you all wish you’d never been born but I would’ve said it very nicely.” 

“Where would you have gone to school?” asks a man.

“Probably the University of North Dakota. And I probably would’ve just gotten an art history degree.” says Lacey.

“Would anyone have told anyone what she said to Kim Phipps, or would Kim Phipps have just taken that with her?” says Dr. Lauermann.

“I would have told everybody.” says Kim Phipps.

“I’m not sure that I would still care.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“That’s a really stupid response. I would have been baffled.” says Dr. Wilson. “And I would’ve wondered if there was money in her family and we were all delusional narcissists essentially.”

“Which would be completely true!” says Stephen Seay, Lacey’s legal uncle and also a retired, esteemed professional counselor.

“Yep, that’s what I thought.” says Dr. Wilson.

“So you would’ve been baffled and you guys would’ve just stopped talking about it or you would’ve wondered what was going on?” says God.

“ I am the only one being honest, we gossip about a lot of our students in ways that are inappropriate. And to be honest with you, we would have probably been stumped because we made assumptions about things that were really weird to make assumptions about. And I personally would’ve been scared. She’s scared me. I have never had anyone tell me that they wanted to study Poland the way that she did. And it would’ve floored me that she left, because I am a real historian not just an armchair historian, like David Pitts. And I would’ve found it personally offensive what she said about our school. But then I would’ve realize that she was absolutely right and that our school really was full of backward pseudo-Christian bullshit artists. And I would’ve thought I have no idea where she’s taking that in life but it scares me because I’ve never seen somebody be so angry so passionately about something that genuinely relevant. And I would’ve realized that something really horrific was happening. And I wouldn’t of been able to figure out what it was. And I would’ve thought that professor who chewed her out had just read a book about Lem’s Billings and Jack Kennedy. And I would’ve thought am I insane to think that this young woman was psychic? And I would’ve thought you know who the hell was she sleeping with? Who the fuck would she be sleeping with at such a homosexual school? Because frankly, most of the young men at our school were bisexual or gay, there were very few straight young men. And a lot of the women were bisexual or gay as well or straight, and possibly very sexually depressed. And yet we weren’t allowing anyone to do anything normal, and they couldn’t drink either. And I would’ve thought this is really earth shattering because there’s something to this.” says Dr. Wilson.

“ she would’ve ended up just getting her doctorate in art history and being a lonely, old maid who worked at the art museum in Minneapolis. What is it that you’re thinking of going to happen?” says Jennifer Aniston, laughing.

“ Lacey!” says Kim Phipps.

“Mmhmm!” says a Rockefeller.

“ what did you think when I called you out for breaking the rules by going to that party and drinking?” says Kim Phipps.

“ was that really about me?!” says Lacey.

“ yes!” she says.

“ why the fuck were you so obsessed with me?!” says Lacey.

“ she’s right, that is kind of weird potentially.” says Dr. Wilson.

“ because I thought you had potential.” says Kim Phipps.

“To do what!?” says Lacey.

“To go into politics.” says Kim Phipps.

“How THE HELL was I ever going to go into politics without graduating from college!? No, that’s not true I could’ve done it, but it would have been really hard to do.” says Lacey.

“But you weren’t failing out at that point.” she says.

“Are you a moron? I was supposed to have graduated two years before that and I’m not a fucking idiot!” says Lacey.

“Do you think that was a bit bizarre?” she says.

“Yes, I thought you might be an idiot no offense. Or I thought that if you weren’t that it was just sort of confusing because I was doing so badly and I did have hopes of getting into politics, but it wasn’t really working out very well and you were so certain that I was going to be in politics and be evil, and I wanted to just laugh at you for being so stupid.” says Lacey.

“I really thought that you would.” she says.

“No, no because it was impossible!!” says Lacey. “I mean there was a slight possibility, but it was very dim.”

“What were you actually thinking?” she says.

“I was worried my life was over. I was suspicious that I might end-up dead somewhere in a gutter. I was worried that I was turning into a blob of nothing and I was desperately hoping that Chris Dodds was in love with me…and I was just trusting Christ.” says Lacey.

“What did you actually learn from our school?” she says.

“African politics. Political research methods. I gathered a lot of information about the way things really work. I learned a few words in German. I learned a little philosophy. I learned a few tidbits about history. I learned a few tidbits about the history of the Bible. And I enjoyed Pennsylvania.” says Lacey.

“ there’s really nothing else that you didn’t already know?” says a professor.

“Nope not much! Everything actually ended up being stuff that I already knew once I worked it through in my head and there were a few things here and there that were interesting and that I just didn’t really give a shit about. Umm. Sorry for swearing. Because they were so esoteric to me, but that’s just what happened.” says Lacey.

“What the hell did you learn from political research methods?” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ the way that political researchers think. The way that they conceptualize reality, I learn some thing about their weaknesses is people to be blunt the way that they analyze things, their daily framework their weaknesses.” says Lacey.

“ what are their weaknesses?” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ a lot of people get stuck in a, methodology mindset. It’s very bourgeois. And it frames, her entire perspective on all problems of the world. The scope of what they can study the scope of what they can fix. The problems themselves. And it becomes limiting to them because they can’t really think outside of such a buzzword bourgeois, scholastic, mind trap.” says Lacey

“ Are you dismantled the entire democratic party for the for seeable future based on my class that you could never pass.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ you got it because I was just overwhelmed by the entire thing, but I did learn something.” says Lacey.

“ no you learned something in my Russian history or my Russian politics class too!” says a professor.

“ yeah sort of not as much as you might think but not nothing. I also learned something about India vaguely.” says Lacey.

“ why why did you think it made sense to break the rules?” says Kim Phipps.

“ because I’m a badass Kennedy, bitch!” says Lacey sarcastically.

“ OK so why was it really?” she says.

“Because I wanted a husband.” says Lacey.

“ did you sleep with Chris Dodds?” she says.

“Are you braindead!? NO!” says Lacey. “ I was not chaste, but we didn’t have actual intercourse.” 

“ so you just sucked his cock?” she says.

“ yes and he got off quite a few times. He told me that I had amazing tits and I gave him quite a few good orgasms.” says Lacey.

“ and yet he dumped you!” says Kim Phipps.

“ yes he did for a little twat. With the body of a 12 year old boy because he’s bisexual possibly and he just loves her.” says Lacey. “ but I’m relieved that I didn’t have to marry him because he was kind of a moron, and he was short and ugly as fuck.”

“i’ve had sex with her!” says Tucker Carlson.

“ he’s really good in bed. I was very in love with him but he doesn’t want to leave his wife and that’s understandable.” says Lacey.

“ no, I do not.” says Tucker Carlson.

“ Kim this is who she actually is you need to interact with that person for national security.” says the Illuminati.

“ why did you sleep with Tucker Carlson?”’she says.

“ because he’s incredibly good-looking and he’s exactly the sort of person that I would’ve wanted to marry but he’s already taken and I didn’t realize that he was never interested in leaving his wife but that’s OK because it didn’t work out and I am with Lem and that’s depressing because he’s dead, but I would rather be with him than anyone else but but Tucker Carlson is incredibly attractive and has an enormous amount of sexual energy, more than most men.” says Lacey.

“ would you have slept with me?” says a politics professor.

“ I actually did find you somewhat attractive but no. NO!” says Lacey.

“ i’m bored!” says Kim Phipps, disdainfully.

Tucker Carlson laughs.

“ why is that, Ms. Phipps?“ says Lacey.

“ you’re a bitch!” she says.

“ what does that have to do with you being bored? And actually I’m not one, you’re mistaken, sorry.” says Lacey.

“ because you’re supposed to be nice!” she says.

“ is that why you’re bored?” says Lacey.

“ i’m making a point!” she says.

“ well I don’t see it sweetheart. Why are you bored?” says Lacey.

“ my my point is that you’re not supposed to be loose!” she says.

“ are you fucking kidding me!??” says Dr. Wilson.

“ why can’t I say that?!?” says Kim Phipps.

“ because she’s an adult and you seem like a nitwit lesbian from Hell!!!” yells Dr. Wilson. “ are you trying to suck her hole her soul like a leech with your ugly fucking face how are you selling children in back of your shit house!?”

“ that’s exactly what I’m thinking Dr. Wilson. You’re on your way to a sort of Hell potentially in some way when you die and I’m actually trying to help you but you’re too much of a fucking dip shit from some hell hole in German to understand that, Herr Phipps!” says Lacey. 

“ I do I seem like a weird lesbian to you?” says Kim Phipps to Lacey.

“ you are most likely a closeted bisexual. I can tell!” says Lacey. “ I feel raped by you and conversation to be honest. you seem sick! Why are you so obsessed with my vagina and my sex like I’m some sort of dog in relation to you and your fat fucking ugly ass!?” says Lacey.

“ I actually agree!” says the Pope.

“ Kim is there something sexually perverse about you?” asks the CIA.

“ I am a closeted bisexual.” she admits.

“ and you had a crush on me and you made some psychotic, childish, perverse assumption that I was interested in you as well like an absolute fucking freak!

And now that you’re having a narcissistic burst, and realizing that I’m vastly superior to you, you’re making me ugly and mannish in your head. Where is your conscience?!?” says Lacey.

“Why did you break the rule!?” she says.

“ because life isn’t just about rules in and of themselves, and strategically speaking for my own personal interests as a human that rule became meaningless.” says Lacey.

“Explain!” she says.

“ who the fuck made you bitches, so damn self-righteous!?” says St. Paul.

“ I would like to explain, but you are being a bit self-righteous!” says Lacey.

“ i’m sorry.” says Kim Phipps.

“ Alright, so I was trying to get married. And I needed a decent, loving good husband who is a Christian ideally. And Chris Dodds seemed like a good candidate. but there was a young woman at a party at the name of Laura Steward… who he had been sleeping with, essentially. It wasn’t intercourse, but they were involved. And she was going to be at that party. And so I thought to myself, I can let him go, and he’ll end up cheating on me and I’ll lose him… or I can go and keep an eye on him. and maybe he’ll think twice. And they’ll be a chance of us being together. And he didn’t cheat on me. I mean I did prevent him from doing that. And so it worked. But it was a worthless relationship anyway. But I tried. And it ended up just being an absolute waste of time. But it happened.” says Lacey.

“ you used to make eyes at several different men on campus, who were older.” she says.

“ I did very intentionally.” says Lacey.

Kim Phipps looks disgusted.

“ why?” says Ruth Beaver, laughing.

“because I was trying to figure out what the fuck made men tick!” says Lacey.

“ that matches with everything she said, in counseling.” says the Messiah College Counseling Department.

“ what do you mean?” says Mr. Frey.

“ I was a virgin by choice because of Christ and I had no idea what went through men’s heads. I had some sense that when you made iContact with them that it was sexual, but I wasn’t sure what it meant to them. And so I was trying to aggravate you as much as I could to see if you do anything because it just pissed me off the way that men just sort of stood around with her mouth open drooling acting like a bunch of dumb worthless nothings.” says Lacey. “ it’s like, ‘Oh! I like to walk! I breathe air and stand on two feet…and stare…at stuff.’” She laughs.

“ what did you figure out from me?” asks Mr. Frey.

“ not much!” says Lacey.

“ was there ever a nice guy whoever asked you wanna date who you found remotely attractive!??” says Kim Phipps to Lacey.

“Nope, never!

There was one young man at UND, who I would have found attractive if he had just pursued me a bit more but that’s it! Actually, that’s not true. There was a German exchange student in high school, but no, other than that nobody.” says Lacey.

“Is she one of the most attractive woman to ever live?” says Kim Phipps.

“Yes, are you blind!??” yells God, enraged.

“ oh, I don’t get it!” says Kim Phipps.

“ no, you do. Why are you resisting truth so much?” says God.

“ how much did we screw her over?” she asks God.

“ how much did you screw over the entire world?” says God. “ a lot!!!”

“ on the balance between everything we’ve done right and this where does that leave the history of the entire college?” she says.

“ you’re fucked to put it colloquially you’re totally fucked.” says Al Capone.

“ that would be accurate.” says God.

“ that’s what I thought!! if she’s actually channeling us and this is accurate and it might be that’s exactly what I thought.” says Dr. Harles.

“ who did you find attractive who was a student?” asks Kim Phipps.

“ why can’t you be accountable?!” yells God.

“ she’s ruined the school.” says Ernest Boyer.

“ I found quite a few young men attractive. I’m not a lesbian. And I asked out at least one or two and they were never interested. Actually, it was more than that I asked at four or so and they were never interested and then I dated two of them and they both were very vile to date and that’s about it.” says Lacey.

“ would you have dated her?” Kim Phipps asks Tucker Carlson.

“ yes!” he says.

“ I would’ve married her.” says Tsar Putin.

“ I would’ve married her as well. Actually, this isn’t a joke.” says Michael Rockefeller.

“ I am extraordinarily disturbed by your response right now of silence. I am a Cambridge educated professor easily could’ve married her. I’m in my 60s and we were a bad match. This isn’t a joke!” says Dr. Moritz. “How many of the professors in your school wanted to fuck her give me an honest answer.”

“ probably most of us to be honest!” says a history professor.

“ did you know that are you too much of a closeted lesbian idiot?” says Dr. Moritz.

“ I just thought well they need time. It takes time for women to figure out that they’re lesbians. I just assumed that she was in love with Maggie Lake and didn’t know it.” says Kim Phipps.

Dr. Moritz nods. “ that was based on Maggie lakes perception, and she was a lesbian closeted drug addict with a father who worked at your school! You obviously have no sense of what’s appropriate! You’re allowed to have assumptions, but you’re not supposed to be so backward as to think that you actually know what’s going on. People like you and David Pitts are the reason why I hate my profession right now. Self-important, pseudo, intellectual minor intellectuals. People with low IQ, who believe for some sad reason that there brilliant the way that I am. I am actually a genius very few people are. Her husband is one of them. She’s one of them and Bill Ray is likely one of them. You’re not! And neither is David Pitts.

Why are you the people deciding things for us in this damn country you have no idea what you’re doing to put a colloquially.” says Dr. Moritz.

“ it’s because they’re conservative. And people like you are too liberal for your own intellectual good.” says C. S. Lewis.

“ do you mean liberal or liberal?” says Dr. Moritz.

“ liberal with a capital L.” says C. S. Lewis.

“ so Kim any final thoughts?” says Lem.

“ no, I mean I understand why she went to that party. It makes sense. But I am I’m not like that. I don’t think that way as a bisexual. I can’t imagine being that desperate to have a husband. If I was the one that seem mysterious, because I was bisexual and been read that as mysterious and so they found me fascinating and interesting to chase, because I seemed hard to catch but approachable and interesting and down to earth and so they just fell for me because I was so Easy going and and easy somewhat and just really mysterious. And so I never really realized that women who are straight even if they’re extremely attractive and possibly more so if they’re extremely attractive, cricket really hurt my bed in a way that I don’t know I I don’t know if I can be that hurt. Because I always can just be with a woman and to me it doesn’t make any difference. The only reason why I don’t is because of what I believe is in the word of God otherwise I would just be with a woman because it’s I think it’s a lot easier than being with a man But I I’m trying to be honorable, and I actually really do love my husband., but I just I don’t understand what it’s like to be so beautiful and so lusted after I am nowhere near as beautiful as her I am complete trash compared to her, and I always have been but men really respected me and pursued me, because they just didn’t care that I wasn’t as attractive for someone like her because I think they thought it was a more wholesome exciting choice not exciting sexually more excited and not that I wasn’t exciting at all but just not exciting. Not exciting but just a better choice because I am was a mom more approachable and cool because you don’t want to be with a supermodel you wanna be with a girl who all the other girls like because she’s not threatening and I also was hard to get cause I thought really really really highly of myself and I’m kind of a bitch to be blunt. So men just threw themselves at me like fucking idiots, because even though they couldn’t get sexually satisfied by me and idea, shit mother compared to women like Lacey, we’re both paternal and attractive in a way that I am not. They assumed that I was superior.

Why do they assume that I was superior because I don’t give a fuck about their week fucking nothing else and men like to be fucking humiliated by women like dogs. At least in America demeanor you are the most snotty and full of yourself and shitty. You are as a woman if you’re wholesome and she put out just a little bit more than men will come flocking to you.

And then they’ll stay married to you and destroy their lives, and fuck over their children just to keep being with you because if you’re withholding self important bitch, they’ll keep deleting them selves into thinking that you’re really mysterious and some thing.” says Kim Phipps.

“ do you hate that about yourself?” says God.

“ oh, no because I’m a narcissist in that way, and I’m in love with myself and I think it’s the best thing to be.” she says.

“ I used you to torture her!!” says JFK to Kim Phipps.

“ so she’s not you!??” says an English professor to JFK.

“ if you are hearing this message, I was destroyed by God. I cannot talk to you right now. Turns out having sex with Satan does not work as protection from Christ. purgatory is a very complicated place. Do not come here. If you are hearing this message, go straight to heaven. Being evil does not work!” says JFK from 1970.

“So then Laceyz is JFK!?!” says Kim Phipps.

“ no no she’s not. No she’s not at all thank God.” says Lem.

“ do you care about her at all as who she actually is or do you just hate her?” asks Mary Tyler Moore.

“ I hate her I hate all women like her. I know they’re straight and I wish they’d just all die!” says Kim Phipps. “ I kill her daughter and drink her blood!!” she says manifesting a demon who works with her.

“ my daughter is safe but people like you are the reason why her whole family could end up dead within a year. This is not a joke.” says God.

“ Kim that’s actually some thing your spirit is saying right now possibly for real through the Holy Spirit and it’s public information that you’re like a monster in your soul we’re talking to you you’re asleep there is no illuminati and I’m in shock that you’re actually that profoundly evil the person that you really want to destroy her daughter just because her daughter is probably heterosexual like her what makes you so profoundly evil and hateful?” says a gay man.

“ I am not evil!” she says.

“ are there gay little boys to you’d like to kill too?” he says.

“ no I’d like to sit on them and fart in their face.” she says.

“ do you care about rules or are you just a psychopath?” he says.

“ i’m a bit of a psychopath. I’ll never harm her or her kids but I have a lot of hatred for people like that I hate gay men to. I hate anyone who would ever suck a man’s cock and make him come and have an orgasm in a way that I can’t. I have been trying to get my husband off For years and it never works because I can never get him aroused enough.” she says.

“ why did he marry you?” says the CIA

“ because I’m a nice nice lady!” she says.

“ no that’s not why.” says God.

“ is it because he’s weak and you bullied him in some complex psychological way?” says her neighbor.

“ she even know anything about my life at all?” says Kim Phipps.

“ she doesn’t give a shit about you other than in Christ, sweetheart you’re obsessed with her.” says Lem.

“ it’s what I said isn’t it?” says her neighbor.

“ yea.” says a Munger.

“ do you only like lesbians and straight men?” asks a reader.

“ what is a lesbian was caught, having sex with another lesbian would you look at the other way or not?” says an actress.

“ I would always look the other way for two lesbians I would never look the other way for two gay men heterosexuals I would try to be understanding out but it would disturb me and everything else is is confusing.” she says.

“ so you would literally allow two lesbians to sleep together but you were mad that Lacey went to a party and drank alcohol over the age of 21 to the point where you were ready to obliterate her practically?” says a reader.

“ yes,” She says.

“ then your school is kind of a joke.” says the CIA.

“ I have always known that!” says Jon Stewart.

“ when you tore down our farm, you tore down a part of the Underground Railroad.” says a Musser.

“ my family worked with that farm that was a very historical farm.” says Lem Billings. “ i’m glad Lacey was able to see it before you tore it down to build your shit McMansion.”

“ how? How is it like? Where was it in the farm?” says a former student.

“ they would run through the forest and hide in the attic and nobody knew they were there sometimes they sleep in their barn to four months. It’s very close to the mason Dixon line and so it was perfect and it was very rural and it was mostly just Amish people and Mennonites and so it was a great place to hide for a very long time if you were waiting to go further up north. Or if you were waiting for family. Like children, there were quite a few families that celebrated Christmas together as free people for the first time in that house. You did nothing. You did nothing to preserve that you did nothing to research that. And Lacey was very upset by it. Did you know that?” says Lem Billings.

“ no.” says Kim Phipps.

“ do you care?” says Dr. Billings.

“ no!” she says.

“ how do you? What do you care other about? What do you care about other than boobs and trying to catch men?” says God. “ making money and your favorite beverages?”

“ nothing.” she says.

“ then why were you preaching at Lacey?” says Lem

“ because I saw it in the movie. I saw stuff like that in a movie once and I thought how do you know I am in a position of power I should try to make a difference and say something but it’s really just something I saw in the movie.” she admits.

“ that’s pathetic!” says Lem.

“ you have no idea how to relate to her at all you should not be trying to analyze her.” says Dr. Billings.