“Worst”

The Illuminati figures out what would happen if Lacey shot her whole family to save them from being tortured by the Illuminati.

“I’ll EXPLAIN!!!” yells her son in the future. “I AM HAPPY!!!”

“If we shot you?” says George Soros.

“YES!!!!!” bellows her son.

“Oh. So Lem was totally heterosexual. And I’m a liar.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Yes. And so are we.” says NBC.

“So we shoot them. And they’re all happy.” says a gay actor.

“Yes.” says the Illuminati.

“And then there dead bodies are laying on the ground. When do you find them?” asks God.

“A week or two later.” says the FBI, freaked out.

“What’s the story!?” says Gene Hackman. “The one you made up about me is stupid.”

“We killed ourselves. It should show that. But for whatever reason it doesn’t.” says his wife.

“Did you overdose on your thyroid medication?” asks the FBI.

“Yes. And he overdosed too. He was lucid when he died.” she says.

“We went for a walk. And I was lucid. So we went home and overdosed. I did it first. …And then she did. Prove she was dead longer!!! Using ACTUAL EVIDENCE!!!” says Gene Hackman.

“Anyway.” says Lacey, rolling her eyes. “I can’t tell if they’re lying. Let’s move on.”

“Good idea.” says God.

“So. You find her body after a week. Then what?” says God.

“We tell them that she’s been killed by the mob.” says George Soros.

“LOVE IT!! Why!?” says Lacey.

“I don’t know. That was my first lie.” says George. “To build off of.”

“Are you going to start killing us?” asks a woman.

“Yup.” says Mark Pryce. “I wouldn’t put it past them to have some dumbass theory. Like to make us all slaves.”

“ are you gonna tear down everyone’s house and we’re going to live in tents or what!?” asks a woman.

“YES!!” says Elizabeth Warren with a huge smile. “You don’t understand. I am the reincarnation of Nefertiti-God-Is-Seven.” 

“Ah…what does that mean?” says China.

“Anything I say, and do shall be brought forth from the God Mollock’s mouth, and bring joy to the Earth.” she says sincerely.

“So you think we’ll be happy?” says America.

“Yes…as happy as you fools and subhuman beings can be compared to me.” says Elizabeth Warren.

“So you look at us as like rabbits?” says a woman.

“There are the old thinkers who perceive the people as sheep. I am more evolved than that. I know that you are but rabbits yes.” says Elizabeth. 

“Why do you guys think that Lacey’s free will is significantly off from what she secretly really wants all of the time?” says God.

“We’re not used to people who are as aware of themselves as she is because most of us are backward narcissists in the Illuminati.” says a reporter.

“Let us not think of that. Let us focus on the future when we will live off the land, and be happy with the sunrise and the sunset as Mollock determines for the people.” says Elizabeth Warren.

“There are two conspiracies. One is Liberal one is Republican they both want to take over the world.” says Lem. “Right now Lacey is sitting in a car doing surveillance work and they have her swallowing the wrong way and they’re trying to make her confused into thinking that she’s aroused by a child and she knows she’s not but they want to think she is because that makes them think that they know more about her than she knows about herself. And she’s not falling for it and they can’t handle that because it scares them shitless.”

“If you keep doing this to me, I’m actually going to be killed by the demonic entity that is JFK without being JFK and it may be a very rare occasion when a human actually is killed by a demon. That almost never happens and I’ve been fighting them off, but you really are sick enough to think that I’m actually Jack aren’t you?” says Lacey.

“How is your body doing that if you don’t want to do it?” says Bobby Kennedy Junior laughing like a medical retard.

“Because you’re tricking her nervous system sweetie and her brain. It’s just science.” says God.

Lacey intentionally rolls her eyes.

“Why are you guys doing this to yourselves?” asks a woman.

“We’re not doing anything other than being rockstar, fascinating weirdos!” says Elon Musk. “Nothing serious is going to happen. We’re just gonna get richer and snort more coke and fix things that other people can’t fix.”

“Ahh…you guys there’s no game plan for her because this wasn’t supposed to have ever happened.” says Mary. “That’s why she’s freaking out.” 

“That is why. I wouldn’t be terrified except this doesn’t make sense in the Bible. I’ve read the Bible. I know the Bible very well and since the very beginning of this, I have been terrified because there’s no-there’s no history for it. Really there’s no precedent!!” says Lacey.

“She’s right I’m Mary The Mother of God and she sat at this exact same spot about five years ago and prayed the Rosary desperately asking me to help her end the situation because she was absolutely terrified.” says Mary.

“If there’s no reincarnation, there’s not a problem. I’m not basing anything off of that.” says Lacey to Hell.

“Then what’s in this for me?” says Elizabeth Warren. “There’s got to be something in this for me or I know there’s something fishy going on!”

“There’s nothing in this for anyone. This isn’t normal!” says Mary.

“But then why is Jack Kennedy attached to her? I don’t get it.” says Elizabeth Warren.

“Because he is attacking her, because Lem was straight.” says God.

“No that I can’t be the reason because that makes me feel bad about myself so there’s gonna be another reason.” says the dumbass Illuminati.

“No. It’s that simple.” says Lem. “He was attacking her. That’s not her energy.”

“You guys you’re just torturing her the way that you’re attacking her right now. There’s literally no way a human could ever resist what you’re doing because it’s essentially like kicking her in the head spiritually every day.” says God.

And at that ten Illuminati weirdos start trying to have sex with the ground like a plunger.