“Laughable” by Lem

Let’s talk.

Last night Lacey wrote a lot of shocking stuff.

Just to clarify, she’s mine regardless. Really.

…Let’s just go over what I meant to say though:

1. I don’t think you understand how straight I really was. …I mimicked a gay man most of the time. …On certain days and in my more relaxed moments I seemed heterosexual. Because you can’t act all of the time. …Most people just weren’t watching me that closely. Or if they were…they weren’t really watching me. They were studying me. …And that’s different. …Studying me for various reasons is different than objectively reading me.
2. I was heterosexual. …I was full of nonsense in my interactions not just with Bobby…but with Jack. …Horowitz knew I was a fake in my praise for Bobby and he found it cruel. …Well it started with Jack, actually. …I lied to Jack first. …However I did it to appease him and to fit in…and…to impress him…and to try to be gay. …He was a sexual addict. …He was obsessed with sex. So he sexualized our interactions from the start. I just pretended to have reciprocal feelings. …It’s been lied about since day one. Jack came on to me. I never came on to Jack.
3. I…lied about my feelings for him. And…my sexuality. …I was straight…but I faked being gay innocently mostly. …If I was more honest in the past I would have realized I was straight. But…that would have required very deep self reflection. And…I was too scared to be that honest with myself. …Because I was molested. And…I possibly had PTSD. So…I….froze mentally processing it all beyond my, incorrect, intellectual understanding of myself as gay. …But if I’d realized I was lying to people…to make them happy…like Jack…with the same amount of moral integrity as Lacey, who is practically a saint, I would have eventually processed that I was possibly straight…despite my intellectual sense of things. But being that moral is rare. …Lacey really is more like a saint than you think. …I’m not saying it’s impossible…but it’s very uncommon. Most people don’t feel that kind of moral obligation to people at large or even personally, unless they’re really close. …So…a healthy loving parent who’s very engaged. A genuinely deeply loving spouse. People like that. I had no one in my life who was that genuinely close to me. …Jack was a narcissist. He didn’t have “a narcissist in him” *eye-roll* like The Daily Mail put it. He WAS A NARCISSIST.
4. I did help assassinate JFK. …If the CIA killed him. I did not help assassinate Bobby Senior. …But I did help assassinate Jack. …If the CIA killed Jack…they needed my help. …And I helped them. …I hated him and lied about it. Both before and after his death. …The Kennedys mostly believed my bullshit. And they’re in denial about it now. …See…Jack was a violent narcissist. …So…I was his victim. …And I got angry. …And part of my way of handling them all was to lie. Yes. Lie boldly to their faces. All of them. …But I did care about them. …And that’s part of how I think they stay in denial. They focus on how much I genuinely cared as proof that I wasn’t lying, or couldn’t have been lying. …Because they remember me caring. They experienced my actual love. And it was real. …But I was Jack’s victim. So…even though I did care…I felt traumatically incentivized to lie. …There was a feeling of life altering anxiety due to Jack‘s actions in my life…and I handled that by lying. Fawning over him was just the start. I lied to many people. Praising him endlessly. Never saying a negative word. Being cheerful all the fucking time. …And when you stop to think about it…it was really weird looking. …But I’m a naturally sweet man…and I like being at peace with people. …So it seemed authentic. Especially to them. Because they were fairly narcissistic, crass men and women.
5. I did misunderstand myself as gay…until I was almost dead…but I also overplay that angle, if I did help assassinate Jack to protect myself from being scrutinized. …Like how could I have killed Jack if I was so in love with him!? IMPOSSIBLE! …David Pitts is a…false intellectual…in relation to me. And Louis Bayard has passively been outed as being full of it by historians. …And Sally Smith is an ideologue who pretends to read people’s minds scientifically. …She’s also very gullible if I was acting, and I had to have been. They all are. …But I’m actually offended she thought I was more sad than Ethel or Jackie. …I was a sad man. But assuming I was more devastated than Jackie in reality is…almost evil. …I mean how the fuck did she imagine she’d objectively analyzed that!? WHAT THE HELL!? …She’s obviously just a politically motivated liar! …I didn’t have kids with Jack. …Ethel had over ten children with Bobby! And she…came VERY close to committing suicide. Many times. I was depressed. And I did…express myself. …But it was possibly an act. …Ethel…wasn’t acting. …She’d lock herself away from her kids and lay in a semi comatose state. For hours. Dressed. Just…silently staring at the ceiling. Blinking. Deeply psychologically wounded. And she’s NEVER recovered. …How THE FUCK am I the saddest?!? …By virtue of being more emotive? By virtue of being a man!? …By virtue of being supposedly gay!?!? …What IN HELL did I do…that was more extreme and clearly sad…than ETHEL!?! …That’s CREEPY. …That was creepy thing to call me. …Because it’s…evil history. …It’s pushing an agenda instead of being honest. …She imagined romance between Jack and I that was IMPOSSIBLE. …And that there’s no recorded history of. …While ignoring actual LOVE LETTERS…that EXIST…tangibly…and are…CLEARLY at least somewhat sincere…on her part certainly…between her and Bobby. …He was a fool. And maybe he didn’t love her like a better man could have. …Because all of those men were narcissists. But…as capable as he was…he loved her. Not as much as he could have loved some women. To be honest. …But he did love Ethel. And she…passionately loved him. Her whole world revolved around him. Still does! …It was…a stupid lie to call ME the saddest widow. And not even widower. WIDOW. …I’m not a woman!!!!

And that’s where I’ll leave it.

Look. My son would die within a week if you kidnapped him. He has serious dietary issues. And if you fed him any soy, eggs, dairy or gluten…he’d possibly have a deadly seizure within a week. …And if you starved him…he’d have a deadly seizure before he starved. …And he takes life saving medicine. …So you’d have to keep refilling his prescription or get your hands on the right dose of medication. And give it to him at the exact right time. Or he’d die. …He’s not grown out of his deadly epilepsy yet. …We still avoid dairy. And yes…he literally almost died multiple times before age four. He spent days in the pediatric icu. His heart stops beating. …His brain is wired such that his brain kills him by dramatically reducing his heart rate as his oxygen levels drop to the point of death. When he seizes. …It’s…through Lacey’s intense pressure on doctors and Mark to bring him to the ER that he’s alive. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him…and if Mark was raising him alone he’d be dead. Many times doctors yelled at him in a panic to keep breathing or start breathing again, “COME ON BUDDY!” they said, anxiously in the Seattle ER. Because he came close to dying. “Come on buddy!!!”

He’s not…a good candidate for kidnapping.

He’s also…loud. And…he has a very strong, albeit sweet and tender, personality.

But he’d probably end up dead…before someone would lose their temper and kill him because they were so annoyed.

…My daughter…shoes signs of possibly having epilepsy too. …Although she’s not manifesting it yet, by God’s will. …She’s…not as loud as her brother…but she’s very defiant and she doesn’t care if you kill her. …She’s…demanding. But she’s well-bred so…it’s not a problem…but if you kidnapped her…you’d be tempted to just beat her to death. Lacey’s her mother and Lacey’s extremely patient. …But she’s a potentially very difficult person to deal with. Impossible really. Because if you kidnapped her she’d genuinely have no fear of death AT ALL.

Lacey…is on two lifesaving medications. …If you messed those up…she’d be dead within a month. And she’s not actually in the best health. …So…you might lost her to death…and me…within a few hours depending on what you did. Maybe…very quickly.

Actually…the dead Rosslyns could kill them all…so…

…Of course…you could shoot them all! …Or stab them. Or blow them up. …But then they’d die. …Some people in a possible Illuminati might have fun killing them. …But…then they’d be dead. And with me. …And I love them. …Do you really think you’d be satisfied…sending them to me…to be happy? …No. If someone was angry enough to want to kidnap us…they’d probably not relish the idea of me being with them after death.

There are limits to evil. Because it’s destructive. It’s never creative. It’s…regressive. …NOT expanding.

…I’m sorry. *I laugh* I really was a heterosexual.

…If that astounds you…you’ll just have to figure it out slowly…or…God will have to help you. …If it bothers you that much. …I’ve tried to explain. …But I can’t field everything you might wonder in this capacity. …I can come close. And for some people I’ve already explained. …Yet, there could be some individuals who are…still confused or sure I was gay for some reason. …And…I can’t control that.

Ethel adamantly lived in denial about Bobby. Rose forcefully lived in denial about Joe. …And the living Kennedys are all the genetic inheritors of those genetic memories. …They think they outsmart people who they victimize…but also being the children of the victims…who in life in a fallen world benefited from willful denial…they become willful victims. Bobby doesn’t really understand that about himself. He thinks he’s too good at being evil. But he’s Ethel’s son. …Not Lacey’s son. …His mother didn’t get seduced by me…and then run off with me. …His mother didn’t get seduced by Elliott Roosevelt. …That’s LACEY. …His mother…flirted with men…and almost got punched by his father…who cheated on her first. …And yes, Ethel has strong survival instincts…but she’s not my wife. She’s not Lacey. And I don’t think he’s honest about that with himself. …Even if Lacey cares…and she does…she’s not biologically his mother. …She’s not actually hud mother at all. His mother loves him even more than Lacey…and…if that’s not Ethel…Lacey’s possibly closer…but Lacey’s not his mother. …And…he’ll never see his mother again if he goes to Hell. So he should work out his faith with fear and trembling, as a Christian, to avoid Hell.

The truth is…I’m very tempted to convince Lacey to shoot her whole family. …But that’s…ABSURD. …I’m just so tired of watching them all suffer. …I want to hold my children. …I want to comfort them in person and tell them that they’re loved. By their dad. …And I desperately want Lacey with me. It’s torture.

Subtly torturing her…not suffocating her…is the best the Illuminati can do. Too much…and we have nuclear war. Or mass chaos and destruction. …But very subtle torture…of just her…not my kids…will work. …Why? …Because Lacey’s…willing. She has grace for it. …The loneliness of loving me as a ghost. That’s subtle torture. …Anything more…is too much. …We’ve just personally been through too much.

I really was heterosexual. Think about what…horrific torture my life actually was. …And then dealing with this…mythology…that I CREATED. …I have to be deep about it. …I have to think…lovingly. …Because as a straight man…I’m ANGRY. …I was…unspeakably stupid…but at the same time…it was entirely an accident…other than for some…saintly virtue of being honest.

“You don’t really want to suck Jack’s cock!” nobody ever said to me. Quite the opposite, actually.

“Ha!” I would have responded, with a chuckle.

“No. …Lem…I can tell you really don’t.” nobody ever said.

I’d have sat in stunned silence.

“No! Lem…I can tell you don’t…stop lying to me.” said nobody. Quite the opposite.

I’d have just shut-up…sat in shock…and figured it out. …After leaving the room in silence. And then getting a drink of scotch.