“Let’s Chat Casi!” by Lem

“I just…had a feeling you looked down on me. …For being poor.” says Casi.

“Possibly my mistake.” says Lacey.

“Well…let’s try a conversation.” says Casi. “‘Lacey…Oh! I LOVE this Chanel!’”

Lacey thinks. Lacey stares at her…analyzing.

“Just respond!” says Casi.

“There’s almost nothing to say.” says Lacey.

“WHY!?” says Casi.

“Well…what THE FUCK are you implying?” says Lacey.

Casi thinks.

“Wow!” says Casi.

“Oh fuck you! You’re just a smarmy bitch.” says Lacey.

“Okay! Fine! I’ll try to give you a real compliment.” says Casi.

Silence.

“‘You…

That’s a great-

I LOVE your collection!’” says Casi.

Lacey thinks.

And thinks.

“So do I!!” says Lacey. “No SHIT you like my collection. …It’s a FANTASTIC collection.”

Casi laughs.

“I mean what is one supposed to say?” says Lacey.

“Are we that masculine?” asks Casi.

“No! …I’m not. But I’m not sure what else to say!!!” says Lacey, desperately.

Casi thinks.

“Just respond like you would have in Scotland.” says Casi. “Or what you imagine you would have.”

“It’s a fantastic collection. …Thank you for taking time to notice!” says Lacey.

Casi takes a deep breath.

“You’re a bitch!” says Casi.

“Wherever does that animosity come from!?” says Lacey, genuinely very confused.

“I’m POOR!” yells Casi.

“Then why did you give such a grand compliment!??” says Lacey. “That’s on you!!”

Casi thinks.

“Yeah. Okay.” says Casi.

“Well! Why did you!??” says Lacey, genuinely offended.

“I think I’m the bitch.” says Casi.

“Why are you mad at me!? …People have big collections!!” says Lacey.

Casi looks angry.

They think.

“You know better!!!” says Casi. “You KNOW people are POOR!”

Lacey fumes. “I CAN’T FIX EVERYTHING!!!” she says, exasperated.

Casi nods.

“DEAR GOD!! …DID YOU THINK I COULD!?” says Lacey.

They think.

“It’s just…the world is falling apart. …And there you sit…collecting perfume. Bottle after bottle!” says Casi.

“Yes! …Because I HAVE THE NERVE!!!! …If I was on the Titanic…I’d have shut myself. …After shooting as many people as I could. If I wasn’t on a life boat. …Children and mothers. …And then…I’d have saved one bullet for myself. …My collection is that. …The last bullet. …Defiance.” says Lacey. “A ‘FUCK YOU!’ to evil.”

“Oh. …Because your life was over. By the time you started collecting it.” says Casi.

“Most likely?” says Lacey.

Casi looks sad.

“I mean…I had some other ideas. But I think…it’s very possible…that at its core…it’s just…biding time until death.” says Lacey.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” she says, finally.

“Casi…they don’t exist.” says Lacey. “Lem was straight. …And I highly suspect he never fell apart as a man. Not really. But…regardless…men like him don’t exist anymore. …They’re all dead!”

“Look at them!!! They’re NOWHERE. …I’ve been looking my whole life. …And they’re all dead.” says Lacey.

“You’ve seriously been looking for these particular men…YOUR WHOLE LIFE!?” says Casi.

“YES!!

…And they don’t exist.” says Lacey.

“That’s evolution, Lacey.” says Casi.

“Yes. …And that’s…my…life. …I’m doomed. …So…collecting perfume was my way of…biding my time until I died.” says Lacey.

“For real!?” says Casi.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“See…dammit your right!

Bitch…I LOVE perfume. …Okay!? …And sometimes…I like men. …And I get it. …There’s a difference!!!” says Casi.

“There is!!!

They refuse to accept that. And it’s EVIL…potentially. …Because…I’m not making it up.” says Lacey.

“There’s a similarity between those two men, but they’re different. My cousin, my distant cousin, but my cousin was very round or something compared to Joe.” says Lacey. “And I find that gross. …I prefer a man who is a little more angular. …It’s-there’s a difference. And it’s-it’s gross to me! …Casi they seem feminine…and I’m straight. …As much as I pretend at times to be masculine, it’s purely theatrical. …I’m extraordinarily feminine underneath, and I don’t like how feminine men are today.”

Later.

“So…Kathryn…and Lacey…what do you two think of…Los Angeles?” asks Ghislaine Maxwell.

“It’s…contrived.” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Ghislaine.

“Well…you and Jeffrey seem in love!” says Kathryn.

“Oh come on! He did love you!” says Lacey.

“He did.” says Ghislaine.

“A win is a win.” says Kathryn.

“WHAT THE HELL!?” says Casi.

A bit later.

“Casi…did you donate blood plasma…to buy perfume?” asks Kathryn.

“Yes.” she possibly says.

Kathryn smiles at her. Stares. And then laughs at her.

“I had no idea that wasn’t something to have sadness and empathy about.” says Lacey to Kathryn.

“No. She’s a loser.” says Kathryn.

Casi looks caught.

“You have no empathy for her!” Kathryn yells at Casi. “NONE!!!” She thinks. “You just find her pathetic. …And she’s NOT!! …YOU are the try hard PATHETIC loser.”

A moment later.

“Yeah…I’m…happier…but…I’m…not a good person. And I’m poor. And ugly by comparison.” says Casi.

“Why don’t you just try feeling bad for me?” says Lacey.

“YEAH!” says an exasperated dead woman in Seattle.

“She can’t.” says Madison.

“Why?” says Kathryn.

Madison looks awkward. Thinking.

“Okay! So…if I’m a woman…I’m better looking than most people. Right?” says Madison.

“You’re…attractive. If you’re a woman. You’re attractive. …I wouldn’t say you’re a ravishing beauty. …But you’re…genuinely more attractive…than most people.” says Kathryn.

“Yeah.

So…they can’t handle that.

And Lacey knew that. And I didn’t.

They had NO EMPATHY and NO…class…about my gender. …I was mercilessly bullied.” says Madison.

“I bet you were a good looking man too!” says Lacey.

She laughs. Thinks.

“She was.” says her father.

“So…I’m lost.” says Lacey. “Why do they hate us!?”

Madison laughs.

“No!! I’m serious. …I honestly don’t understand why.” she says to Madison. “Maybe you get it. I just don’t!”

“For real!?” says Madison.

“YES.” says Lacey.

“I’m helpful. But not…” says Kathryn.

A moment passes.

“Do they like us!?” says Kathryn to Madison.

“No!!” says Madison. “THEY DON’T!”

“See…if you’re a woman…Lacey and I would hang with you. …Really. …You get us. …I think. …I like us.”

“Yeah.” says Lacey.

“Are we…uppity?” says Kathryn.

Madison adamantly insists no.

So does Lacey.

“I don’t think we are.” says Lacey. “I think we’re blunt. …Why can’t they be more blunt? And honest?”

“They are!” says Madison.

“No!! They’re NOT!” says Lacey. “They LIE!”

“I’m not that pretty!” says Madison.

“Mmm…you’re superior though.” says Kathryn.

“Dammit.” says Madison.

“Yeah. I’m sorry…I’m sorry I’m not more helpful.” says Lacey.

“Well you might be just as confused as I am.” says Madison.

“This is garbage right?” says a reader.

“If I made Madison a woman…unfortunately it’s not.” says God.

“Well…at least you can have kids.” says Madison.

“TRUE!” says Lacey.

Later.

“Lacey and Madison…how curvy are you?” asks a Gen. X man.

“If she’s not a Greatest Generation woman?” asks God.

“Yes.” he says.

“She’d be curvier to you. Not in reality.” says God.

He sighs in exasperation.

“HOW can that NOT be curvy!??” yells God, enraged.

“So she’s…impossible.” says a Gen. X man.

“Yes. She’s too much estrogen for this generation. I’m sorry. That’s harsh, but it’s reality. …Kim is bigger. And smaller women aren’t as curvy. …Her type of human doesn’t exist anymore. They’re all dead. For the most part. They all die in their 70’s or 80’s. So…she’s the last of her kind. …Madison is…very precious to me.” says God. “L

“So…if Madison really wants to be a woman…God might let her.” explains Sebastian.

“Madison…are you…like Lacey. But…evolution screwed you over?” says a reader.

“Let’s say that’s true!!!

Why do women LOVE ME!??” yells a transgender man. “NO!! THEY DO!!”

“Are you…fertile?” asks Tucker Carlson.

“IF I had a…penis?? …Maybe?” the transgender man says.

Later.

“Mayonnaise by Smashing Pumpkins plays and…Lacey recalls Chris and Erin…talking about it. …She kept it in jars??” says Lem.

“Yes.” says Erin.

“What were you talking about?” asks Lacey.

“You were supposed to know!!!” yells a demon who impersonates Lem to most witches and Bobby.

“What IS IT!?” says Lacey.

She reads the lyrics.

“ARE YOU BLIND!??” she yells at them. “YOU ARE FUCKING SHIT COMPARED TO ME YOU MORONS FROM HELL!!!”

“She’s not me. …You misread her on purpose.” says JFK from the past. “You wanted her to be me. She’s not AT ALL.”

Dumb by Nirvana plays.

“That’s MY soul. GROW A BRAIN!!” says Lacey, genuinely exasperated. “You’re obnoxiously stupid.” she says in a posh British accent.

Porcelain by Moby plays.

“No one is that genuinely elegant and pure!!!” yells Chris Hayes, sweaty and angry.

“I am!” says Lacey.

“She is.” says God.

“Donald you picked the wrong person. …Gay not gender.” says Putin. “The gay issue is the cutthroat one. Not gender. …What are you going for?”

“Yeah. …It’s true. Because I’m a science issue. And…they’re not…yet.” says Madison.

“Okay…but ladies…where are we going with this?” asks a trans older woman of Lacey and z Madison.

“It’s just…I’m not going to be CONTROLLED!!!” bites Lacey.

“Dammit!! I know what she means.” says the older trans woman.

“I’m happy to have a good discussion about homosexuality.

But I’m a cis gendered woman. I’M A CIS GENDERED WOMAN!!!!!” Lacey rips into Hell and Heaven. “Are YOU DEAF!??” she shrieks. “And…if God made Madison a woman THEN GOD MADE MADISON A WOMAN!!! …DECIDE!!!!” she yells. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU IDIOTS WANT!? …But if she is a she…she’s…into men. Let’s be honest.”

“True.” says Madison.

“That’s not homosexuality. …That has nothing to do with homosexuality AT ALL…if she’s a woman. AT ALL!! …You’ve stupidly grouped them together though. …And…when it comes down to it…it doesn’t WORK. Because they’re very different things. …So…their alliance is flimsy. In reality. …And yet…you’re assuming they’ll stay in line. …IT DOES NOT…WORK.” says Lacey. “And yet Donald Trump…has them…in opposite positions. …With the leverage of the other. Strategically.”

“He does.” says a Republican Old Money man. “He doesn’t…understand.”

Later.