“Bad News”

“What’s Lacey like in a relationship?” asks a reader.

“With Jack…you imagine morning make-out sessions and cuddling. In our dorm room. Longing. …That didn’t happen. …We didn’t really ever make-out. But to have that, what you imagine that is, we’d need me…combined with a strong-willed, difficult, but loving person. …In lieu of a closeted, homophobia narcissist…you’ve imagined a challenging man with…personality. Zest. …And a huge, albeit sexy, ego. Jack was a narcissist. A clinical narcissist. So you’ve imagined a fake person who never existed instead of Jack Kennedy…and I have yet to dissuade you possibly…but…if he had been that person…we’d have had a relationship. …Just a relationship. Not some magical unicorn situation like it’s been depicted. …That’s all. Just a fucking relationship.

…Kind of makes you think.

A relationship with JFK. Not the 1960’s. Not America in its golden years. Just one man. …Not the myth. Not JFK…but one man. An actual man. …Just a person. …Just a person. A person with flaws. Because everyone has a flaw…or something you have to get used to.

What you see are photos and my mythologizing of JFK for public relations. You’re forgetting, possibly, the grimy reality of an actual human relationship. Two people interacting. …Even if he’s been a saint…and he CERTAINLY wasn’t…he’d have made mistakes. Or farted. Or said something stupid. Or cried ugly. …I could still love him…but…he doesn’t defy that reality. Nobody does.

And here’s the thing…he was gross at times. With all his diseases. …Literally gross. Rip Horton imagines me longing to give him a back rub. …But…he had them often. The sex appeal would have worn off after a while. And I might done it out of love and devotion…but…Luigi Mangione supposedly struggled to have sex due to intense back pain…why…wouldn’t I…have experienced that with Jack? The slurred speech from his drugs. Or his irritation from pain. Or both. …Why would his supposedly intense pain…or his self pity…not have been stressful TO ME!?! …YES. TO ME!!! …ME! …Why doesn’t someone EVER consider that!? …Just because I seemingly never stood up for myself doesn’t mean I was okay!! …I’d have had to have been worn out. At least occasionally. …And combined with his inability to recognize me publicly at all…and his…complete inability to be remotely faithful…even in a polyamorous relationship…if we’d had one…AND his verbal, mental, physical and spiritual abuse (assuming I was gay in some way and not being subversively raped by him)…HOW IN HELL…do you figure I was either sane…or sincere or EITHER when I adored him in my public words? …I’d have had to have been living in intense denial…or…been lying in some way. Lying in some way separate from denial.

The magical relationship you imagine us having is impossible.

Do you think JFK was so great that I could just…overlook his flaws!? …Over DECADES!? …HOW!? …No one can do that. Even the most impressive people get obnoxious over time acting like JFK is documented as acting in an intimate relationship. Because you see their flaws. And they get…annoying. …After a while they get ANNOYING. …Especially when they’re…very demanding. Jack was. CONSTANTLY. …Our time was spent on whatever HE DECIDED. He was…pushy. He was a narcissist. He was a clinical narcissist. A diagnosable narcissist. He was an interpersonal leech. …As glamorous as you see him as being…in reality being his little bitch…would have been a living Hell. …He was very abusive.

So why…would I have cared!? …After all those years. You see glamorous movie stars break up. …Because even sexy people get icky…after a relationship turns sour. Why would I have magically still given A SHIT!? …In reality. …How could I be so magically exceptional!? …People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons…but true love…ceases to be a remotely possible real reason after a certain threshold of evil on the part of the abuser. And Jack DEFINITELY reached that threshold with me. DOZENS of times. It’s DOCUMENTED. People just don’t analyze it. …So why did I seem to care? Well…I was either insane…and brainwashed…or I was straight and HORRIFICALLY confused.

He imitated Lacey. …Part of the reason you think she’s him…is because he tried to be what I was looking for. Because he was a narcissist!!! …So…he occasionally imitated her to try to fool me. And possibly even more people than just me. …I actually didn’t even notice. …Partially because I was straight…and partially because she’s an incredibly complicated person, as am I, according to some people. So…regardless…it went over my head. …But he actually did do that.

I was really messed up. …And eventually I was a huge drug addict and…an emotional wreck. And everyone who has publicly analyzed me thinks it was because I was so in love with Jack. …But they TOTALLY gloss over the DECADES of incredible abuse he subjected me to. And then blame me…for putting up with it…as if it’s ENTIRELY my character flaw…and possibly excusable because…HE’S JFK!! …Talk about projection! …There’s NO WAY a human could sustain that kind of intense systematic abuse for years…and not fall out of love…somewhat…even if they don’t realize it at the time. Real love that matters…doesn’t hurt you like that. EVER. …HOW THE FUCK…do my ‘biographers’ not realize that!?! …These are educated people! Come on!!! THINK!

…I was either crazy…or…full of it.

Le leçon particulière plays.

I was either CRAZY…or…wrong.

Listen…real lovers can beg you to stay. Lacey has. And…you have to decide if you can or not. …So what makes you truly stay…not just stay because you’re physically scared or at least too chicken to leave for some reason…? …Love. …But in order for love to exist…there has to be the right conditions. Safety. Trust. Loyalty. …Charity. Mutual respect and…concern. It can’t be just one-sided. …And there were never the right conditions for love between Jack and me.

Even if you believe the bullshit…you have to ask yourself why…I wasn’t more wounded by his empathetic refusal of me at the very beginning. …Sure…he was closeted…and the times were very different…yet some men…DID NOT CARE. …I didn’t! And I wasn’t even gay. …Rip didn’t. Red Fay wouldn’t have! WHAT IN HELL…made him SO DAMN SPECIAL!? …In reality! …NOTHING! …And if Lacey had rejected me at first I’d have been less in love with her too. That’s just the harsh reality of love. Okay!? …Even in exceptional circumstances. …There’s something incredibly caustic about an initial rejection. Especially a harsh one like the one Jack gave me. …His…fear…and subservience to ‘the man’ including his sometimes heartless and embarrassingly idiotic father…his ultimate worship of ‘people’ and their mindless worship of him…is off-putting to a person who thinks. …And I did think. …No…I was either too chicken and crazy…or I was…surprisingly straight. …Because he passed the threshold of…cruelty. …I couldn’t in my right mind have still cared about him. Not really. Real love in too-toxic relationships dies. And again, OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS FAR TOO TOXIC.

Recontre sur la neige plays.

I was…a lie…and my legacy is one of such profound deceit…it shocks even me.

…What could any man or woman take from my life’s example? To endure abuse!? …If the abuser is famous or popular enough it’s acceptable? …If you’re…brave enough and love them enough…and they smile at you sometimes…and let you…do things for them…and make you laugh…hard enough…and buy you things…it’s not just okay it’s…admirable!?

1:04

The song is cut short.

Silence.

beanie (piano version) plays.

My life…is REAL. …And you can’t just divorce my words…from reality. …You can’t take them out of the context of our actual relationship!! …He was a real…clinical…NARCISSIST. …So it doesn’t matter what I said!! …He was a narcissist! …That’s a clinical diagnosis! That’s a…pathological question. …Not a question of…Lacey’s intelligence!

She’s very intelligent. But even if you doubt that…you can’t really tell me he’s not a pathological narcissist. DSM. Real tests! …THINK ABOUT IT!! He fits the criteria in a clinical setting. …You can almost scientifically diagnose him without even meeting him in person! COME ON!! …That’s FAR from hyperbole! It’s FACT! GROW-UP!!! If you’re reading this blog and you don’t have the guts to look at what you’re reading honestly admit it…and then back-off!! …But if you can…try to imagine she’s not some laughable buffoon…and try to imagine that some people can actually talk to the dead. She can! …And it’s not her…choice. It’s her brain. It’s just the state of her brain. Some people pursue it. She hasn’t. …And try to think about what I’m saying!!!

…I was…so confused. …SO confused.

I came from a wealthy, old money, progressive family. …We helped start LeMoyne College. That’s where my name came from! I’m Lem. Short for LeMoyne. …And…in my family…science was…very important. …We were taught that…‘crazy people’ weren’t…’crazy’ but rather medically in turmoil. Mental health issues weren’t that stigmatized in my family. So…I didn’t have a negative perception of homosexuality in that way. …I saw it as a medical condition. …Nothing to be ashamed of necessarily. …Maybe in a way. …Because…it wasn’t the ideal. It wasn’t…the perfect person. It was some…mutation? Some…disease? But…that’s all. …And I had asthma. So…I already wasn’t perfect.

Bobby Junior? Well…I don’t know what to say about that. I would tell you what happened but it’s very difficult to get the truth through to Lacey…and she hears me adamantly denying that anything ever happened between us…and that I wanted anything to happen even…but…it’s too painful for her to believe that right now. Okay? …That is what I’m saying. …I was in a sick relationship with Jack…and…I didn’t fully understand that until right before I killed myself…but…nothing was ever going to happen between Bobby Junior and myself because…I didn’t want anything to happen! …And…I…made stupid mistakes with him. …I gave him far too much attention for sad reasons including my own growing grief over my lost life…and then I…felt he was insane…a total sociopath…so…I decided to encourage his drug addiction and let him die…before he could harm anyone. …I knew Mary Richardson was inevitable if he lived. I KNEW he was bound to do something evil to large numbers of people. …I saw it! …Based on how he treated his siblings, their friends and me. So…he was using heroin and getting his younger siblings addicted who looked up to him like David…and…I believed it was sane to…let him die. …I reasoned that…if I died with him…it would serve me right. I wanted to die. And…it helped me encourage his addiction.

…I cared about him the way…you’d care about…a sad…hurting…rabid dog. …Truly. A wild, rabid animal. …You care. But…you know they’re lost. So…you choose to let them die. …I saw him as a rabid animal. …I cared! And he saw that! …And it was real!!! …And I think that’s what he focuses on. …But…I thought he was rabid. …A sociopath. A real sociopath. …Because he had tried to get David addicted. Sad…hurting…David. …A little boy who wept over his father. …A little boy who was…desperate. …His own little brother! …And that…REALLY pissed off! …I never told anyone. …And no one ever guessed it. Including David. But…he broke my heart. …And…I felt Bobby Junior was likely a real sociopath.

…Look…I was secretly straight. …So…my way of handling emotional things was…a lot colder than people would expect. …And my son with Lacey…would have known…when I didn’t invite him to my drug parties at my house…that I was…watching his back. …Because he’s my son. So…he’d have just known. …David was extremely hurt, however. …And…he never figured it out. …Neither has Bobby. Even now. …Lacey would have by now. My son…with Lacey…would automatically have known. But…I didn’t have much experience raising kids…so…I assumed David would know. Eventually. And feel loved by me. And protected and understood as a person. …It didn’t work out.

…I don’t think you get it though. There’s no way I could have crossed over and stayed in love with Jack. …Regardless.

And…in reality…the trajectory of our relationship is already impossible. …I should have been suicidal by the late 1930’s. At latest! Based on his behavior! …The fact that I wasn’t is part of the reason why people think we were merely friends! …And cling to the idea that he was so straight.

…I didn’t kill myself over him. I don’t think there’s almost any documentation of me even being suicidal. I was actually…but it wasn’t because of him as a romantic partner. …And there’s no evidence to suggest he ever left me feeling that…deeply devastated. Not nearly enough. And even if he had I could have still been straight. But it’s IMPOSSIBLE…I could have been that lacking in emotional response and been anything other than straight…even before his wedding. But especially at his wedding. …His wedding and my nonchalant smiles…are proof I was straight. Straight and likely extremely confused.

So…assuming I was straight…and acted gay…well…which I did…let’s discuss that. …See…gay men today…are very defensive about it. …Senator Robert from The Office isn’t gay. But you’d NEVER guess that necessarily. …Would you? …He was acting. Acting well, but purely acting. …I looked very similar. Actually I think less convincing than him. Because he knows he’s acting and he’s a professional. …But I was very smart…and a decent actor…and…I did what some gay men can’t comprehend. I defied the norm…to…a wild degree…and chose to act gay. …Yes. I had reason to believe I was gay…and I felt it was honorable and appropriate to…advertise that. Not all of the time. But…strategically. …To…distance myself from the public. For their safety. And…to avoid…annoying conversations. Like, ‘Why aren’t you married?’ Or…‘Where’s the misses!?’ Or…’Are you impotent?’ …I felt it was far more pleasant to act gay…and let people be…mean…than to…let women fall for me…or…feel…depressed about my life when genuinely straight men tried to…be friendly. I wanted to protect people from my disease. But I didn’t want to talk it. Because…it was incredibly painful. …Unbearably painful.

I was straight.

Lacey has no idea about Joe Kennedy Junior. …He was his family’s hero. We were…in awe of him. And he…loved her…in a way that…matters. I could easily be stealing her out of revenge. She’s far more desirable than you openly ever admit. And it would be a punch in the gut. To all of them. Living and dead. But she barely comprehends that right now at all. When Bobby dies…he’s going to HATE me. Passionately!

Lacey…is…tough as nails. …And I’m not after revenge.

So what’s it like being in a relationship with her? Well…I’m a ghost. So…we have a very unusual relationship in a way. …It’s much more painful and challenging than it would be if I was alive. Although…I get to see everything and…be everywhere. Other than the depths of her heart…she has no secrets from me. And I like that. And she likes that I’m always there. …I made that decision a year ago. To connect ourselves. All of the time. And…it’s been very useful. She needs me. …And…I don’t tire of people easily. Neither does she. Although we like being alone. But she lets me be alone. Too much. And…it’s nice to think I’m there…she just can’t hear me. At times. When the spiritual warfare is most intense. Christian Charismatics do have that part right. But so do Catholics.

Bobby doesn’t understand right now…but when he dies…he’s going to HATE me…for taking away Lacey. At first. Eventually he’ll realize, if he doesn’t go to Hell…that it was inevitable. And ultimately the best. But at first it’s going to really sting. She’s his ideal aunt. He’s incapable of being aware of that right now…but someday…that’s going to really hurt. Because he’ll be in awe of Joe…Lord willing…so was his father. And her genuine love…will…hurt…being taken away. …She understands him better than I did. …Because of the nature of time and space…the pain of our past will make sense. But…the unknown will bother him. Still. So I’ll cease to be his drug buddy. Or Lem. I’ll be…as shocking as that is to her…the man who took his Aunt Lacey away. …Joe loved her. And that will automatically mean a lot to Bobby. Instead of being the guy who secretly might have assassinated Jack even…he’ll focus on Lacey. Why!? …Because…she’s loving. …And…it’s sincere. And when he ceases to be a narcissist…he’ll see her…as…a mommy figure who really cared. But got stolen. And his crazy Uncle Jack…will be…just a crazy uncle. Not his father. Because meeting his father as an adult will permanently alter him. And meeting everyone else…Lord willing…will make him in awe of his own family…all over again. Or maybe for the first time.

What’s it like being in a relationship with Lacey?

…Look…it’s…like this…you imagine me being with Jack…right? …Him causing problems but us…being together anyway. Because you think I was so turned on by him that I just cousin resist myself. Or something close to that. That my list was deep and passionate and boundless and endless. Nothing could restrain my profound obsessive passion for just him and only him…no matter what…for eternity. …Almost like I was his twin flame…or I cease to exist…but…he’s not necessarily mine. Because he’s straight, people think. So they think I was dumb enough to be immortally obsessed with him…while he’s NEVER going to give a shit in any real way about me. That’s REALLY the popular narrative. Which is incredibly demoralizing when you stop to analyze it. …And if you think it was mutual at all…you think we had some…amazing sexual experience. At Choate. Or maybe in college. Or in Europe. Or in the White House!!!

…So you imagine me bowing to Jack…right? Bowing in…happy submission to his…tough…cold exterior. His…sexually explicit rough shell. Forcing myself through the challenges of being his man. The massive obstacles to reach the reward of him. Because that always is the only true reward. Of any relationship. Just that person. Money is great…and so is fame and prestige…but…it’s empty at the end of the day if you’re brain is aware enough to register it…and mine was. …So what broke me was the lack of love in my life. Real love. …But if you believe Jack loved me…you have to think we made love at some point. Right? But what would that be like? …He’d be aggressive? Yes. Possibly. But…also withholding. No real long-term monogamous promises of undying love and intimacy. Or do you imagine that? In some poly way? Well…I hate to burst your bubble…but pure monogamy…is…intense. It’s a singular experience. …No matter how committed a primary is…or how faithful they are in that regard…it never is as intense as monogamy. …It can’t be. I’m sorry! …The human brain is made a very certain way…so…even if you don’t technically cheat…you’re still…in an intimate way with other people. So…your chemical reactions are going to vary.

Jack never offered such a thing though. And there’s proof of that. So…let’s take that off the table.

Be real. You imagine Jack being difficult! …Saucy and flirtatious. Manly and attractive. But…ultimately very self-possessed and self-absorbed. …Kissing him…was…amazing you think…but…scary. …Like…making love to a god, you seem to think. A demi-god Kennedy…amongst mere mortals. …And I was…lucky and chosen to kiss him…many of you think. A rare…rare thing. …An event…a supernatural event possibly myself…merely by association.

Song 2 by Blur plays.

When Lacey’s being herself…she’s this wild. Joe knew that. And he inspired this song. Just because he genuinely loved her. This was how they felt about each other. ‘I’m never sure why I need you. …Least I need ya!’ It’s not a parody. It’s about PTSD. His from World War II and her’s from childhood abuse. …He genuinely respected her…incredible resilience. Her…defiance of evil. Her inability to be truly conquered. …You think she’s mainstream. But you’re mainstream. …She’s…so…alternative she seems mainstream. I’m not kidding!

But it’s…not…evil.

The Celtic heart of Joe…loved her…righteous rebellion for Christ. Because it’s very sincere in both of them. And she…will see him again someday as brother-in-Christ, Lord willing. At his best…they’re somewhat alike. They’re both very hardcore people. Very fervent. Very brave. Very intense. Very smart.

He was a warrior. And her desire to fight too. Touched his heart. Because she was never going to be as fast or able as him…as a woman…but she wanted to be. And…it genuinely touched his heart. And she adored him. Genuinely ADORED him.

Thing is…he never really understood parts of her. …He understood her…beauty. Better than I do!!! …YES…better than I do. …I appreciate it more. But Joe understood it. There’s a difference. He understood it. …He held that…close to his heart too. That understanding. …She’s very sensitive. …Fragile almost. …He…shined as a man…in relation to that. He always strove to protect that. As much as he could. Her…feminine…sometimes truly fragile…and yet determined being. …And he ADORED his father. …And she was his father’s soulmate. …Lacey. …So…he…liked her. …A lot of his father’s best and unique traits as a person…without…the evil…in a beautiful woman’s body. Who ADORED him. And she wasn’t his father. She was…Lacey. She was…very lovable to a man who…fell in love easily…but rarely deeply. And with her it was deeper than most. …Easily one of the deepest. I’d rank it, Pat…Lacey…Athalia…Katherine and Edith…and…maybe a few others scattered here and there.

What’s it like to be with Lacey? …Well…

Jack…as you imagine him…and possibly as he imagined her…wanted sex. But on his terms. And his terms alone. …And he passively would have agreed to do things ‘he didn’t want to do on his own’ if I’d been attracted to men. …He was essentially a prude…and a letch…and a needy bitch as you’ve imagined him with me.

Come As You Are by Nirvana plays.

Lacey is not…who you think she is. Joe didn’t even understand that. …The only people who have grasped her…as she really is…are F. Scott Fitzgerald and Elliott Roosevelt. Especially Elliott when it comes to sex. And Scott when it comes to her overall personality and heart. Her and Scott have a very quiet way of talking to each other like they’re emotionally and mentally out of breath…in the exact same way…but when they talk to one another they get a second to catch their breath. They don’t have to explain themselves to each other. Almost at all. It’s not friendship. It’s…more like they’re twins. He did have two older sisters. She’s not one of them. But…they like her too…and relate to her. Yes…THEE F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Lacey…played the viola. Well. Still could. Not everyone can do that. And she’s…a genius at sex. And she understands rhythm. And meaning. Symbolism. Love.

Today she wore a wig. …A long…dark…sexy wig.

Island In The Sun by Weezer plays.

A man starred at her. As she drove by. In awe. She’s…gorgeous but she’s NEVER done that much with her hair. Highlights. A perm once. Dyed it. That’s all. This was…stunning. Long…flowing…and perfect. And WOW did men notice her. …And her reaction was to crack-up laughing. At them. Because…it hurt! A LOT. …Like she told her legal husband…’I had no idea men were so…simple. It’s depressing!!! …The only thing I changed was my hair!’ …She was morbidly depressed by how shallow their ability to perceive beauty was. But she already is over it…so she just laughed. Instead of feeling suicidal.

Bound For The Floor by Local H plays.

She’s very deep. And…I’m able to appreciate that. I…love her. Profoundly. I love Lacey a profound amount. …Men are designed to look for certain cues. But…it’s easier to lie nowadays than it was. And…men don’t look as closely as they should. At anything. And that will have to change or humans will die off. Our laziness and evil are killing us off. They should think a lot more carefully about themselves too…in a healthy, Godly, and loving way. And it’s been bad for a while.

So…while her reaction was to laugh. Genuinely laugh. In a…sweet…girly…Marilyn Monroe way. Jack’s reaction was, regardless, to eat…it…up. SAVOR IT. …He LIVED for that kind of reaction. He LIVED for it. He CRAVED IT. …STUPID admiration. All…of…the…time.

Lacey…has SHUNNED it. VIOLENTLY.

She’s let herself weep in boyfriend’s bathrooms…cutting herself on a razor…nothing deadly but…out of RAGE. PROFOUND RAGE. …At real evil. Instead of remotely looking acceptable to most men. She’s deeply rebellious in the best way. …Kathryn…loved and loves her. Kathryn HATES JFK.

If there’s reincarnation Fausta expected to LOATHE Lacey…using Jack…to try to destroy her. But instead she came to respect and admire her. As a woman. Totally separate from me. Should there be reincarnation. My son loves Lacey. Should there be reincarnation. My former son. Like a son. And that’s his torture. …But maybe there’s not reincarnation.

…

See…to Lacey…human love…and WORSHIP for another human…IS TRAGIC. …Elliott understands that. So does Scott. And so do I. But not as well as them. …Elliott found Jack laughable. …So did Scott. From the grave. Yes. Scott Fitzgerald found JFK…moronic. As a man. Utterly worthless. A total joke. …You might not have expected that…but Jack was…his idea of a…WORTHLESS man. There’s times he literally sat in the back seat of his dates…and just laughed at him. For fun.

What does that mean? That in bed…Jack…wanted to be the main focus. Regardless of how much I did or did enjoy it. He wanted to be…the star. Even when he was making love. He wanted to be the secret focus of all real attention. ‘GIVE ME!! GIVE ME!!!’ was his response at all times. Or…‘I’ll give to you…if you remember…I’m the one giving. …So even if this is supposed to be about you…it’s still about me.’ …And…that’s bad. I was straight. But he was bad…and I know that just using logic. People wouldn’t say that. But…there was nothing special about it…outside of his…cult of personality. His…carefully constructed hair. His…perfectly tailored clothes. His studies mannerisms and words. Everything was fake. But so good…almost nobody knew or still has figured it out. He’s Marilyn Monroe in regard to his level authenticity. And if he killed her…he saw himself in her. And hated it. She was mediocre in bed too, apparently. Despite her advertised success otherwise.

Lacey is…deadly in bed. …I’m serious. It’s…genuinely dangerous. …Not really for me. But…that’s different. …I think her soulmates are fine. …So is her legal husband. …She saved his life. …But…you have to respect her. Because if you don’t…it’s like climbing Mount Everest.

I mean men were…cranking they’d heads to get a glimpse of her…and…in genuine love…she laughed at it. Who does that!?? …And she was sincere. …I mean she’s BREATHTAKING at her best.

In person…she looks far more like the image above. Far more.

So today…when she wore the long…beautiful hair…it was…mesmerizing. The beauty of her face…has never photographed. But this is…in the same…vein.

Her eyes…when she’s really looking at you…are TERRIFYING and yet so beautiful.

And the image of Scotia above is essentially her eyes. Almost exactly. Although she’s never been able to photograph them well.

…Where Jack lost himself in the pursuit. And that was…everything to him outside of the high of the chemical and physical reaction from sex to him. He never cared about using sex to control people. And…he lacked the ability to do that anyway, on every level. …Lacey…finds the whole thing…DISGUSTING to the point of wanting to annihilate all of humanity.

Can’t Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers plays.

Because she finds the state of men…VILE. ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.

Her instinct is to examine them. Literally take apart their bodies and examine them. Heartbroken and yet…determined to fix all living people. So they…can…truly love each other. …She has…a clinical reaction. Like…deeply enraged…and genuinely loving sex psychologist. …She finds it funny. And then she wants to fix it.

I think…she wants to make us all far more…Godly. And that’s why she’s ready to end the world. Because she isn’t sure how to fix it now otherwise, if she ever had any other ideas. Quick. Painless. Like an asteroid. Or a rapture. But she brings that before God. Always. She never takes it under her own control. Which is very wise.

Jack…just…bathed in it. No matter how shallow. Did a little dumb dance with a cheesy grin. …No concerns.

With Jack…I had no interest. And no hope. He didn’t understand deep relationships. Not really. …He was abusive. And incredibly shallow. To a humorous degree. …But…he understood…his value to other people. And he knew the significance of deep intimacy even if he was incapable of it, and knew that about himself.

Lacey…is…WILD.

And Joe…LOVED it.

Her…razor sharp edge…comforted him.

Otherside plays.

Her razor sharp soul.

See…you imagine me…loving Jack…because I knew he loved me. Secretly. So I tolerated years of abuse. Because I was special. …SHE COULD HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THAT. With Joe. As his wife. …Except…she’s…deadly. SHE IS. …Because like water…she fools you. Five miles looks like mere feet. And the more salt water you drink…the more…thirsty you get. It kills you. …It wears you down. Slowly over time. Even if you’re made of stone. You need her to live AT ALL. But…disrespect her and you die. Unimaginable depths. Deadly depths. …But frozen…she can cut open the human body. Razor sharp. …It’s water…but…it’s…sharp.

And…so…since she lacks a sense of her own value right now…she’s deadlier than ever. Because she throws up high on a wave…but you drown. If you can’t swim. Jack was never that…truly deadly. Because he was so meaningless. And most people knew that. At some point.

Elliott could be drowning…but..he’s…brilliant. And he was extremely experienced. Still is. So is Louis. So was Harold. So was Scott. So is her legal husband.

Song 2 plays.

Joe…got badly hurt. So did his father. …And ironically so did Jack himself. …Joe gave her severe whiplash. Because he claimed he felt that. Deeply. When she decided to genuinely fall madly in love with me. Forever.

Prince Philip claims he too can’t understand their confusion. …Saying he can’t believe men could be that sincerely idiotic. …Expecting her loyalty in the face of their deceit and treachery. But they did. For whatever reason. And…she delivered the extreme opposite. Because it wasn’t her being slutty. It was her…completely slitting the throat of their bond…and then pulverizing the bond to drip out ever bit of blood…before cutting it up and forcing them to eat it. As long as it could last. Sickening them. …You…don’t…understand.

No One Knows by Queens of The Stone Age plays.

They deserved it. …But…God didn’t want to use her. He still doesn’t. …Satan found it…romantic. Actually. I’m not kidding. He hates humanity. And like water…he finds it…irresistible. Her wrath. It’s…his…kryptonite. His used a flood for a reason. Satan couldn’t resist. He has…a soft spot for water. He allows it to cleanse the Earth. And she reminds him of literal water.

So…she’s not withholding.

And…while she swallowed me alive…I protested enough…so…before I could drown she gave me scuba diving gear. Out of thin air. And then…led me to…Atlantis. …Where I was promptly made ruler. Regardless of reincarnation. Of course! …And…then sent me to the surface…to…conquer the world…from Atlantis. …Except…there’s resistance. And people have attacked her. Instead of me. Assuming I’m her victim. And not that I’ve chosen to live in Atlantis. And acquire gills…in my nostrils.

Listen…I was a straight man. …So…if there’s anything to gay men being more sensitive…I lacked that. That isn’t me. Well…I was sensitive. But…as a straight man. Make sense? So…Jack…failed to hurt me…because I didn’t notice. Really. At times his worst attacks were…null and void. Because I simply didn’t catch them. They flew right past me. …So…at times I’ve made mistakes with Lacey…like right now…because…I wasn’t married…and I…am not used to it. But…I’m never letting her go. Those are my kids. And she’s mine. Forever. And I know she wants it that way.

‘You want me more than anyone else.’ I once told her. And I was right. Not because she was Jack…or is…at all…because…I can quiet her deepest fears…and worst pains…with just my love…in a way no one else can. Not solve them. But…give her…a place to belong and be loved. As mine. Not as a safe harbor. She’s not a man. As…her…Adam. So to speak.

…No. Lacey you aren’t in those photos. …You’re…in bed. Making me have the best sex of my life. Not taking sexual photos. …We don’t go to Germany. Because I get you pregnant. Even if you were taking birth control. Potentially. Or…we travel to France. Switzerland. Lichtenstein. London. …And…you meet with Sir Winston Churchill. And Queen Elizabeth II. Privately. And warn them of your father. Prevent the war…somewhat. And Elliott is enamored but…respectful. …And we get married. And nobody knows how good you are in bed…because…I’d never tell them. Why would I? …But all of that only matters if it’s real and I love you. And that’s where Jack…might never return. Because…even if the sex didn’t even happen…because I was straight…and he just forced me to service him….every time…he took those photos. Very intentionally. Setting them up. Analyzing the results. The perception. How they’d be perceived. Knowing they’d never suspect he planned them. Because I was the gay one, seemingly. The obsessed one. …He posed us. Every time. Meticulously. Some are just of him. And the ones of just me…aren’t…as sexual or possibly sexual at all. Because he was the one sexualizing the photos.

He made me take the pictures. ‘As a joke’. Just like how he made Bobby sleep with people who he’d slept with. ‘As a joke’. He often commanded people to do sexual things to control the situation, in his mind. It didn’t really work. Because he didn’t really understand sex all that well. …But he damaged A LOT and Marilyn Monroe killed herself because of him. Not directly but she slept with Bobby…and…he sexually confused her. About…life itself. He told her she was…essentially a ruined woman. Too slutty to be taken seriously by any decent man. And the most she could ever hope for was to be a concubine or prostitute. Because no man would or could trust her. …Not as a wife. …And she took him very seriously. And felt her whole life was…pointless. Because she wanted love. Real love. More than anything. And she really believed him. That she was a total failure. Utterly worthless to herself. Better off dying young before she could ‘rot’. Those may have been her exact words. He told her that to get rid of her…because Jack insisted she was a very dangerous nuisance. And he simply would not tolerate her shenanigans! Humph! …So Bobby told her something horribly hurtful…to tempt fate…or so demoralize her…she’d get the point and leave him alone! …She called every…week. Maybe sometimes more. But he felt she was SO DANGEROUS. Because he wanted to feel that way. It made him feel…pure. And decent. And strong! …A good husband! But he lied. …Of course.

People knew. She told people. They kept it quiet. A then killed him. And kept it quiet.

…No. No. I got no pleasure from him.

But you don’t know that.” says Lem.