“No…I really was straight! REALLY!” by Lem

This is the last time I’m going to write this.

No, I wasn’t obsessed with Jack. That’s a…lot of mythology but people don’t really know. Even David Pitts was lied to. …History is not…something to make any assumptions about. EVER. Most of his book is literally about making assumptions. “We can assume” he says over and over and over again. …No, Mr. Pitts, despite what that pretty black woman at the Jefferson house in period clothing told you…when you took the tour in 1990…we cannot ASSUME. We CANNOT ASSUME.

“We can assume that they ate their meals here regularly.” she said? Standing in a kitchen where the servants likely ate.

And so you took that as a cue…because everyone who looked sophisticated who was there felt impressed by her ultra weight (it was the 90’s) and her manners…and the bright mind that she had…? You thought, “‘WE CAN ASSUME’ sounds…elegant and…educated…and…posh! Gee!! I wonder if I can use that to make beautiful conjectures about lovely things?!”

No. You can’t. Not safely! Not EVER. …A good historian used to say, “We suspect” even when they had a mountain of evidence. Why? Because…knowing is VERY RARE in studying history. RARE. …There’s actually very little we KNOW. We make…very safe guesses. And we may know a few things. But…not like people think we do today!! NOT AT ALL!!!

And so now I’m an angry poltergeist. Yes. I’m a poltergeist now. You’ve made me one.

I wasn’t gay. Jack Kennedy ruined my entire life. And I was too messed up for most of my life to be able to say or do much of anything to defend myself.

I’ve explained on this blog. There are a few errors. But very very few. And the overall idea is entirely accurate.

Jack Kennedy was a clinical narcissist.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy was a CLINICAL NARCISSIST.

…JFK had a PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!

…There’s simply no way I could have been in any truly loving relationship with him. He was a liar, a user and a fraudulent person constantly. …WHY have you all obliterated that!? It’s SICK!

I’ll tell you why! Because my life and my actual experience doesn’t matter to you! …He played mind games with me. …He was…very controlling and very sadistic. And so I appeared to be far more in love and obsessed with him than is psychologically even possible for a gay man to have been. You can’t…love a withholding narcissist that much! It’s never real. Because they’re fake people! …My supposed unconditional love for him was…not…possible! …How do you unconditionally love a chameleon!? They’re not real. …He had a persona…but…you couldn’t get genuinely close to him. …Red Fay was…his lover…and so was Jackie…and after he died they made him seem…perfect. But while he was alive Red made love to his wife…would never have left her for Jack in a million years…and Jackie fell in love with Bobby Senior. She’d have had an affair if he didn’t die! Openly. And left him at some point. Likely in the 1970’s. Or 80’s. Maybe even remarried.

I wasn’t truly obsessed. I was…being gaslit and abusively controlled. My family was worried he was taking over my life. They hated him. …They lied about that to David Pitts. If he spent much time talking with them at all. They lied because they were more interested in being left alone and given privacy than in making things right. …And I’m incredibly angry at them and…I completely understand. …Both.

My grave makes me…livid every time I look at it. It’s DISGUSTING! But…it’s not…where I am.

I’m going to tempt young people to defile it. When I’m dead with Lacey. I’m going to use her ability to make people do things…to ruin my addition.

See…I can’t do much. But she can. Because she’s made significant territorial gains in life. As a Christian who does daily spiritual warfare. So…she’ll be able to do something. And…I’ll use her to do it.

No. I’m sorry. But you’re…stuck.

You’re stuck thinking Jack was a hero and a heterosexual. You’re stuck interpreting everything that way. And you can’t imagine how I was straight…because it’s so hard to grasp the concept…even though it’s what actually happened. And you’ve rewritten human psychology to accommodate JFK as my eternal lover. Made me madly in love with Bobby Junior. Dead because he decided not to go to Haiti with me. …No. That’s all bullshit. I’m sorry. It’s bullshit.

Mary Richardson isn’t waiting for him. Mary Richardson isn’t waiting for Bobby Junior to die and be with her! …Neither am I. Why would we be!? That’s…insane. …I was never in love with him nor…attracted to him. At all. That’s absolute bullshit. I never sexually abused him nor ever came on to him at all. And if he’s being honest he’d tell you that. I wasn’t obsessed with him or Jack. That’s all bullshit. Absolutely disgusting bullshit. …But Mary…well…she was…and she certainly isn’t going to greet him with open arms when she dies. Not at all!

So…if I was insane or…bisexual…why would I be any different than her? With Jack or Bobby? …Why do you imagine some…absurd reality like that!? It’s…demented! There are real conservative for our actions. Things do matter! …Justice happens. Eventually. Always.

It’s patronizing, homophobic, backward bullshit to assume I’d still be in love with JFK.

I repeat: You are ruining the Gay Rights Movement by blindly assuming things about me.

You’re destroying your gains! If you’re a gay man…assuming I’m dumb enough to still be with Jack…is…detrimental to your marriage. You’re challenging your own marriage! …Really! It’s that spiritually serious!!

“How!?” asks Barbara, a privileged white woman who may take Lacey seriously. If she reads this blog she may be shocked to find herself here. But…Lacey hears her spirit asking this. Somehow. Possibly.

“It’s real. We’re real!” says her mother.

Well…

“Are we doing this for Easter, mom?” says Barbara.

“YES!!” says her mom, grinning. “I STILL EXIST!!”

“Does the cat?” says Barbara.

“There will be lots of fun surprises. In Christ. Yes. …Cats…matter…too.” says her mom.

“Are you stuck?” asks a ghost hunter.

“NO! That’s a misunderstanding.” says her mom.

“You’re just chilling.” says Barbara.

“I’m with God. It’s real!!” says her mom.

Ahh…why?

Well…it’s like this…Lacey misunderstood…and thought I wasn’t with Jack at Princeton. Wrote that on this blog. …But…there was something to what she was hearing. …I was trying to explain to her that I chose Princeton because I was trying to find a way to escape from Jack. Quietly. Without causing a fuss. …I don’t think you understand that he was violent and manipulative and made threats on my life. On my family’s life. …And I just…shrugged it off. Because…I thought I was gay. And…I was psychologically incapable of thinking about it and protecting myself wisely almost at all. …But I had a secret plan. …I’d go to Princeton and somehow he’d have to go to Harvard. …Why did I suspect that? Because of his dad. …Joe was very into living through his sons. …And he loved the thought of turning Harvard into “a Kennedy school” in everyone’s mind. So…I highly suspected that he’d make Jack go there. Eventually. …He was incredibly proud of himself for attending Harvard. Joe Junior went to law school there. …It meant a lot to Joe. And I knew that. Okay!? I observed that. …So…I talked Jack into Princeton to…find some way to separate myself from him. If not at first then eventually. …And you know…it might have kind of worked.

Princeton was my school. Harvard was always going to be his. …I knew that. I knew I’d lose him eventually. …Princeton was not his school. …I…think that’s a myth. Because I recall giving him that idea. I recall talking him into wanting to go there. …Knowing he’d never see through me.

No. He was violent from the start. And it didn’t bother me enough.

…See…Lacey heard that though.

Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays.

She heard me. …Clear as day.

But I’m a ghost.

So…when I talk to her…I community through ideas and full concepts at times. Not just words. So…she’s not making this up. I’m giving her images, at times. So is Satan. But God is working to clear up her confusion. And…she’s…older and wiser…and…she’s been a sincere devout Christian since she was a tiny little girl. It’s actually incredibly taxing and dangerous. What she’s doing. But…God is God. And these days she barely has much choice. …WE HAUNT HER. …ALL…OF…THE TIME. Constantly. …And God is using it for the good…but it’s…an awful thing to live through.

Requiem For A Dream is…in my…spiritual orbit. This song in particular. Lacey is the woman on the pier. For me. It’s vaguely a horror movie sort of…reference, to Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence. How I gave up…my own life…and…true desires…as a man…for JFK. And…yet almost nobody knows that.

So…why does it matter? Because…I’m TALKING TO HER. …I REALLY AM!!! …I REALLY AM!!!

…And as unbelievable as it is to some people…IT’S REAL. …She’s HEARING ME!!!

…I’m telling her the truth. …Okay!? …I was straight. …And incredibly messed-up. …But I was REALLY heterosexual. …And…my whole life was absolute shit! …I wasted my whole life. …And all my sad attempts to be…appreciative and optimistic and kind…weren’t wasted…but…I left people with a drastically different perspective on my experience than what I actually felt and what I was thinking the whole time. …I smiled. I constantly forced myself to be funny. …But I couldn’t have at Jack’s wedding. Not unless I was what I’m saying I was.

…She’s hearing me. And I’m telling her the truth.

…And…people not taking her seriously…especially gay men…or what’s worse: bisexual men who identify as gay…forces…nature itself…because I’m dead…to…revolt. Because my misery…was…enormous. …I was an incredibly unhappy person. He genuinely ruined my life. …And my family cared…but they didn’t really protect me. …It tortured my mother though. She died miserable because of Jack. …He made her miserable. She felt…he’d brainwashed me into some kind of zombie. Some kind of weird freakish slave. And in a way…he HAD! …She was a grieving widow when he met me. She was vulnerable too. My whole family was! And Jack knew that.

…So…see…if I exist…what am I!?

Any Other Name by Thomas Newman plays.

I’m A GHOST. …I’m what Patti Negri calls “energy”. And people like her call me energy too. …So…if I’m energy…what are my memories and emotions!? What is…my PAIN!? What is it!? …It’s a force. …So if what she’s hearing is real…my pain…is…only compounded through her…when you constantly try to separate us…”on behalf of your community” or possibly “on behalf of Jack”. And…it becomes…a deadly force. Of mass destruction. Because she’s…a profoundly hurt person…who’s also very holy. And despite what you may think…very loving.

And my kids…miss me. My daughter cries over me everyday. Silently. But I can hear it. So does my son. …And that’s a force too. …And of course I cry over them.

…Jack was a villain.

Jack Twist? WHAT’S THE TWIST!?

Marion Barfs plays.

You see…when you try to repress my energy…insisting she’s wrong…even as I weep over my children…insisting JFK was heterosexual…insisting I was attracted to men…insisting I was MADLY in love with him…you’re controlling us.

The Gay Rights Movement violates me…daily…just like Jack Kennedy. Bobby uses that evil too. And they believe their own lies. Adamantly.

And in their pathetic attempt to alter history and force me into submission to their sexual desires and their desire to make me what they want me to be…what feels comfortable to them not what actually happened…or is…they…force themselves against the energy. They use their own personal energy. Like a collective force…using Bobby’s misunderstandings of other people’s emotions…and his power…and the power of anyone connected to him…to repress nature.

Sequence by Ludovico Einaudi plays.

You can’t get rid of our energy. You can’t really dismiss it. Using Bobby. Using…Caroline. And Joe. And The Daily Mail.

You can’t quell our energy…by making up another half true story for People.

Just because Lacey pisses you off. …With her iron soul. And her real logic. And sound facts. Facts you have never accounted for yourselves.

I understand Bobby is hurt. But he’s a grown man. …And he’s better off knowing the truth.

…You can’t get rid of our energy though. Energy doesn’t work like that! …It just…shifts. So…where does it shift to?

Vladimir Putin…has…used us. Very successfully. To practically control the world.

Because he understands that my face…is far too…happy at Jack’s wedding…for a man who loved men. He’s a genius. And he’s known for some time. So…if there’s an Illuminati especially…but even if there’s not…he’s harnessed our energy…through Lacey…and his actual love for her…as a man…to…win. …He’s a rare man.

The song restarts.

Yes. Dead…contrived leaders…like JFK…are…false light. Like the false light Chris Hayes wrote about himself. But some of you cling to them. …Oh so…passionately.

1:17

17.

The year.

The year…Prince Alexei died…and JFK was born. …And that matters…because…if there’s reincarnation…Jack is…Japanese. And he targeted Lacey and my whole family. As a Japanese man. …And Vladimir chose as Alexei…or on behalf of Alexei regardless of reincarnation…to take it very personally. All of it.

It’s a sequence of events.

Repressing my energy…is…causing earthquakes. Yes. Earthquakes. …Repressing Lacey’s energy…is causing…fires. And trying to separate us…is causing disease…war…and trying to harm our children…is destroying the the Dollar. Because Michael…is…a real man. And those could have been his kids too.

Yes. Sounds fantastic. But…it’s not.

She’s not repressing anyone. YOU ARE.

And so…defiling my grave…by accident (?)…is a lynchpin. A keystone. And…people can only give so much.

Yes. People care. People in general mostly want to see homosexuals happy. …Regardless of what’s allowed in Heaven. Because they can’t tell what’s in the Bible…and…what they do know…is that real gay people are…in love as much as they can be…with each other. Committed. …And they don’t want to end that. People aren’t…that…hateful. …Or they didn’t use to be.

…But you keep pushing and pushing…and your grace…or your protection…ends. It just ends.

Verses by Ólafur Arnalds & Alice Sara Ott plays.

There is…nothing left. …I can’t care anymore!!! …I can’t care!!! …No one in my whole family can make themselves care anymore!!! …You asked for too much Gatsby. …My wife loves ME. …It’s in her blood and it’s in mine. Heterosexuality. And we are in love. …And her concern for your humanity…is human. Mortal. …You asked for too much. You pushed her much too far.

So of course she cares. But…I’m HER HUSBAND. I’m her FOREVER. …You’re the song in the moonlight in a dying fallen world. Not me. You aren’t connected. We are. FOR ETERNITY. …I’m not Jack’s at all. …Our hearts matter. Our pain MATTERS.

Matters. Matter!!!!

All those tragic deaths? They MATTER. …You just can’t see it. …Or maybe you do.

Your marriages are…on the chopping block. Because you don’t have…a clue…? No. Because Jack Kennedy…ultimately…meant more to you…than truth? Maybe? Is that it?

What is it? Because you did it to yourselves.

…I can’t protect you. The grace has ended.

You defiled my grave!!!!

You’re keeping me from my family.

And my family is suffering.

I don’t think you understand.

This REAL.

You have no proof. You have…fabricated fabrications. Misunderstood misunderstandings. Bullshit. You have hearsay bull. That’s all!! …I’m the one who counts. NOT YOU!!! …When it comes to my own life and feelings I COUNT!!! NOT YOU!! You tools of evil. You pawns of Satan. You cucks for the alter and throne of a dead criminal narcissist…named JFK. …Yes. I can finally tell you…HOW MUCH I HATED him. Hated. HATE.

…”That can’t possibly be true! Hey that’s not possible!

Lem was recorded 1 billion times as saying he was CRAZY IN LOVE with Jack! …More than anything! Including peanut butter.” you say. “He wrote LOVE SONGS!!!” you shriek, foaming at the mouth but hiding it.

No. I SAY!!!! NOT YOU!!!!!

Later.

“Lacey. You just can’t tell people stuff like that!” says Marjolijn.

Lacey thinks.

“I’m not an idiot…but for some stupid reason I thought it would actually help.” says Lacey.

“HELP WHAT!?” says Casi.

“Help people…understand.” says Lacey.

Marjolijn snickers.

“Would you have been…enlightened?” says Putin.

“YES!” says Lacey.

“Why!?” says Marjolijn.

“Because…I think like that. …It’s like…’This person seems…strange. And I feel…threatened or offended. Hmm…’. And then they explain that they’re just…privileged. For better or worse. …I’d feel…let off the hook. Like…’Oh! Oh!!! They’re really privileged! …Huh. So I’m not imagining things. There’s a reason I’m so…bothered.’ …Something like that.” says Lacey.

“Why is that comforting?” asks a reader.

“Because it’s…nothing one can do anything about. Like the weather. It just is. …And its annoying. …And maybe over time things have or could change…but…apparently it’s still a problem.” says Lacey.

“I get it.” says Shaveydavy. “Like when people disclose…anything. Pertinent.”

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“But…it’s different. Because it’s about money.” says Marjolijn. “And status. …You just can’t do that!”

Lacey thinks. “It made no sense.

Why…did people think I was poor?”

“They didn’t!!!” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“Then what the hell was all of that condescending behavior about!?” says Lacey.

“Fuck!” says Dmitry.

“No! I know what you mean!!! I experienced it too!” says Marjolijn.

“Yes. You did!!!” says Lacey.

She nods.

“Did you?” asks Shaveydavy.

“Yes.” she says.

“You two were both exceptionally pretty.” says Lem. “I’m sure that’s part of the reason why.”

“Why?” says Marjolijn.

“Because…for some reason…it made people very uncomfortable…in the perfume community online…to see two unusually beautiful who’re women…with any intelligence…collecting perfume. …Especially married to men. Men who they seemed at least attracted to.” says Lem. “There’s a sizable number of bisexuals and lesbians who collect perfume. …And…it’s…less acceptable to be super feminine and pretty as a woman in…that setting. …Look…being myself…without my gay act…I did while I was alive…I couldn’t go into a gay bar. Even with Lacey and a gay male friend we shared as a couple. …Apparently Bobby and other people don’t recall when I’d slip and seem straight…but it did happen and…when I’m being that way all of the time…I seem…uncool to non-straight men who feel uncomfortable around straight men. …I rarely was myself. And when I was…I offended people. Still do.”

She nods.

She laughs.

“Why don’t straight women collect perfume?” she says.

“They do! I would bet you’re mostly straight even if you’re bisexual.” says Lem.

“Yeah!” she says.

“ oh, because they’re scared of straight women and it just makes him feel uncomfortable to join communities that are not as ‘friendly’. I mean there’s a lot of lesbians and bisexual, who are into collecting make-up but it’s not as acceptable as in the perfume community. So I think a lot of women who aren’t straight tend to flock to perfume, because it feels like a safe thing to indulgent as a woman. And there’s a sort of intellectual, not purely heterosexual vibe to it. Lacey and I are a lot alike. we are really weirded out by overly heterosexual things. I loved art! I really did and still do. But I had very heterosexual interests that I just never pursued and so does she.

Oh, I love golf and I have that recorded. Online. Publicly. I was better at golf than Jack! See people think I was incapable of playing sports, because I was so gay, but that’s not reality. I really did love golf! I also liked rowing. And I enjoyed tennis to some degree. I also like a few other sports that are not as American. I’m going to sound reincarnated, but I like rugby I like cricket and without asthma and with better vision I’m actually pretty good polo player.  And especially water polo.   I’m actually not that lacking in coordination. I just didn’t like football and I tolerated baseball. American football is OK but it just never really appealed to me. Hockey was something that I liked better.  I’m pretty good at skating and I was big. But you know I also liked fishing and hunting. And those are things that no one really knows about me that I liked fishing that I could hunt and that I was really actually somewhat athletic. I just didn’t like American football. I actually like soccer. I like soccer not as much as I like some sports but I do like soccer. My favorite sports are probably crew rowing and golf. I love golf I really love golf. It’s interesting and so does Lacey. She is nowhere near as good as I am, but that doesn’t bother me and it certainly doesn’t bother her so I have a feeling we’ll be playing golf someday together.  She’s very respectful and it would be a very relaxing and enjoyable game. 

No, I am just going to say it I liked sports more than you realize.

I was also faking my voice. And my mannerisms were also fake.

Lacey knows what I’m really like she’s seen it in certain pictures and video footage of me. It slips in every once in a while. What amazes me is that the Kennedys never caught that, and that historians never seemingly have entirely either. But Lacey and I are so much alike. We’re very observational people and we both notice intricate details of everything she likes antiques and so do I. I could authenticate many different pieces of art, and she has the same way of seeing things as I do. Part of the reason why I would have been with her as a euphemism for sex if she has been alive is because of that. As one person to another, who sees those details fact that she would’ve second-guessed me, as who she is somebody who’s incredibly exacting, and all of her understandings of everything to degree that has made it difficult for her, sometimes to along with people or to be understood him and at times it was difficult for her to finish her homework because she was always trying to understand everything completely. I would have wondered if I was wrong about myself because she wondered. And being is in love with her, as I would be instantly, practically coming from her, it would make me have to think and question a lot. But that didn’t happen, unfortunately.

No…I think you you ladies were…making people uncomfortable. By being so…heterosexual and attractive. Even if you’re bisexual, Marjolijn. You are married to a man.” says Lem.

“Dude you were into sports?!?” says a dead man who just died.

“Yes.” I say.

He’s dumbfounded.

“WHAT!?” he says. Grinning.

Awkward silence.

“But you’re Lem Billings!” he says.

Awkward silence.

“Man!!

You don’t seem gay.” he says. “At all.”

“When did you die?” asks a psychic.

“This morning. In a motorcycle accident.” he says.

“How old are you!?” says a psychic.

“I’m in my 30’s.” he says.

“CRAP!” says an Illuminati psychic.

“Yeah. Whatever. …I drove drunk.” he says. “So…you guys are the Illuminati?? Possibly.”

Awkward silence.

“I’m a real dead man.

Look me up! She can see me!!!

…He’s…weirdly straight.” he says.

Awkward silence.

“He’s not who you think he is.” he says.

“Why are you watching him?” asks a woman.

“I’m a reader!” he says. “I like books.”

“So…you were just curious?” says a psychic.

“YUP!” he says.

“Why are we catching your energy?” asks a psychic.

“Barbara’s mom.” he says. He laughs.

Awkward silence.

“Why don’t you guys believe her!??” he says.

“We thought we knew better.” says the CIA.

“YEAH RIGHT! You guys knew he might be straight. …I sense a conspiracy.” he says. “And lots of lies.”

Awkward silence.

“You guys know this is real. She doesn’t entirely! That’s…stupid. …Why are you doubting him? He’s a real ghost! And your evidence is worthless shit. …A friend can’t confirm anyone’s real sexual orientation. That’s…not how something that intensely personal works.” he says, offended. “It’s totally and entirely plausible.”

Awkward pause.

“That’s one of his competitors. …WHY would you assume she’s so desperate!? What the HELL!?” he says. “Doesn’t that seem weird to you? …Why would she be choosing Lem…unless she had reason to!?! It’s so…random. So…so random. …Nobody in their right mind would choose Lem Billings. It’s a fricking weird choice! …That his name just came to her!? Out of the blue. …Doesn’t that seem odd to any of you!? If you even exist.” he says.

“Did she know Lem Billings from Red Fay?” says a reader.

“NO!!

That’s how dumb these people are. If they even exist.” he says. “She SUPERNATURALLY was given his name. Repeatedly. Years ago. And she hasn’t recalled that until just now.

…I’m REAL!!!

Someone TOLD HER TO REMEMBER HIS NAME. Over and over again. …She’d read it a few times in a book over 20 years ago. That’s ALL!!! Just that book. And one article. …Decades ago. …So someone started repeatedly saying his name over and over in her head…who’s dead…until she heard it so clearly and so…remarkably that she got it stuck in her head. But it’s not normal. The whole thing with him is REALLY WEIRD.” he says. “MAN you guys are SLOW!!!”

“Wait…she didn’t even know how he looked!?” says a psychic.

“Mmm…no. She did. …That’s the thing. She did. …But…not really. …And it’s never seemed weird to her that she just randomly remembered his name. And hadn’t seen his adult photo possibly ever…but instantly thought of him. And his face. Sort of. When Jack asked her who she’d have ‘turned to’ when Joe cheated.” he says.

“So he prompted her…to think of Lem?” says a reader.

Silence.

“Ahhh…did he just want to fight her? Or what?” asks Patti.

He laughs. “Yeah!!! Ahh…

No.

But…I totally understand why you’d ask.” he says.

“So…what happened?” she says.

“He was stupid. He thought Lacey and Lem would never last. …She was really in love with Joe. And…he just…was too blind to see what was going to happen.” he says.

“Who prompted him to ask her that!??” says Patti.

He looks very serious.

“A blond woman. Very pretty. Possibly a model. Or former model.” he says.

Patti nods. Rolls her eyes.

“What was he thinking!??” she says.

He looks grim. “We don’t have to change.

C. S. Lewis at have had that part right.” he says. “God isn’t…a violating force. You don’t have to do anything. So…- At least not in that way. …So…he just…didn’t want to change.” he explains.

“WHY!?” says Patti.

“He…was in love with evil.” he says. “It’s sad.”

“Who told Lacey Lem’s name!?” asks Bobby.

“Ha!!

…Lem. His sister. His whole family!!!

….And…yes. Mary. Your dead wife.” he says.

“Wow!!!” says Logan. “Gotta be honest…that’s real.”

“I still can’t stand you.” says Mary to Bobby. “I’m sorry.”

Patti laughs.

“Yeah.

He thinks our emotions disappear when we die! Like…in a movie. …NOPE! …I’m still incredibly angry.” she says.

“Did you sleep with my dad?” asks a man on Bobby’s behalf.

“Yes.” she says. “Yes, I did.”

“Wasn’t that weird for his dad!?” says Olivia.

“Ahh…well…not really. …He always knew I’d kill myself. So…he never got attached. Like that. To me. …I mean maybe it’s a little weird. But…I’m not his daughter.” she says.

Chatter.

“I don’t think Bobby is living in reality.” says a person.

“Did you molest Saoirse?? Or was that a sick attack on Lacey?” says a man.

“Why not me?” he says.

“Because it’s unclear if you were behind it or allowing it…or what.” he says. “And it’s very far fetched.”

He looks disturbed.

“Well…why did she go along with it?” he says.

“Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she did. …Answer!” says David.

He refuses to.

“What do you make of that?” says a man to Lacey.

She laughs.

So anyway…I was straight. And I liked sports.

…And Bobby barely would recognize me.

“Lem…explain.” says the CIA.

“I’d never have let him stay with me. …But let’s say he did. …No drugs. No girls. No drinking. …I’m cold. Serious. …Always down.

…I’m incredibly suicidal!

He’d rarely see me.

I’d have been…reclusive.” says Lem.

“Lacey…sweetie…are you lost?” says a gay man.

“What do you mean?” says Lem.

“Ahh…I feel like you have the conclusive evidence. Not us. Not Bobby.” he says. “Right!? Think!”

She thinks.

Becomes very embarrassed.

“That’s okay!!! You’re a profoundly neglected person.” he says.

“He’s real…I think. …He’s real!!!” he says. “So…Joe told you not to sleep with him. Right?”

“Yes.” says Lacey.

He nods.

Silence.

“I think…he knew…it was going to get really ugly.” says Cheryl Hines.

Lacey blinks. Looks stunned.

“Yeah.

Because…he knew Lem’s reputation. For a start!” says a British woman.

“And they’re made for each other.” says God.

“Lem…if you’d not thought you were gay…how many?” asks a JFK fan.

“One. At…17. She’d have gotten pregnant. Or 18. …Maybe 24? No later! …Four or five kids. …Marriage. …That’s it.” he says. “Possibly a bad marriage. Possibly not.”

“No divorce!!” says James Dobson.

“Absolutely not!” says Lem.

“Was Jack ever weirded out by your heterosexuality?” says a gay man.

“Yes!” says Lem. “Many times.”

“How so?” he says.

“When we were in Germany. …I had a very typical straight male way of traveling. And he was more…into being…elite. Posh. …So…sardines and crackers for me. Dirty pants. …Save the money!! …He…wanted…glamour. …Style.

…He…was…ashamed of his attraction to the statue of David. …I was straight. And I thought I was gay. So…I felt…no…fear. I just…loved it. Because I wasn’t attracted…but I wouldn’t have cared if I was. So I just enjoyed it. As brilliant art. …He was…so embarrassed. And he played it off like he was…cool. But…I think he felt weird. A handsome almost perfect looking naked man… We had many moments like that.

And…he was far more…socially gifted around non-straight men. …I offended many of his boyfriends. And wannabe boyfriends. …They were jealous. But…they also just didn’t like me. …Because I was straight. And…they just found me…annoying. …I said things in a gay way…and used a high-pitched voice…but…I…was ready for beer, brats…beans…and…bedtime with my wife. At 9! …So…I seemed…not raffish but oafish…to several of his gay wannabe-lovers.

I mean…here I am. This guy with too-short trousers. …Constantly making jokes. Secretly disinterested in…a lot of gay culture.” says Lem.

“Give me an example!!!” says David Pitts.

“Gore Vidal.

He begins talking in French. Laughing…in a…1960’s-chic…stylish way. Crosses his legs. Smokes. Smells of vanilla. …Dark suit. Perfect tailoring. Tan.

He must have been waiting for me to say something relevant. After all he was the author! …So he’d dominate the conversation.

But…I’d just sit there. Silent. Half-asleep. Right next to him. Half smiling. Drunk. Legs stretched out. Relaxed. Very casual. …And Jack…liked that. Because it looked so straight. …Except…after a while…Gore found it difficult to find even tolerable. So…let’s say he turned to me…and very annoyed…said, ‘Mr. Billings…what’s your opinion on the matter of Italian people? …Like we were just discussing!’ …But I’d zoned out. Completely! So…I didn’t have anything to say! So I just sat there… And then he said, ‘Well!?’ We got into a fight about his book. …I never read it…really…and had no desire to! I thought it was stupid.

‘Lem! …Why don’t you celebrate Jack’s literary interests more!? As a best friend!??” scolded Gore.

I was angry!

“Well…Jack likes other things too you know? Like…sports. And…-“ I said.

“Women! Yeah! I’ve heard.

But he has plenty of men who he can play sports with! And I know you’re not that much on a field! So…you don’t fool me…Mr. Billings!’ he said, laughing at me.

I was hurt.

“Jack is…a different man than you think he is!” I said. And what was dumb…is that I was acting like a hurt straight male friend of his…not a gay…but…that ironically was lost on both Gore and I if this is literally what happened.

“Lem. You’re a loud…boring…dull man. …I think Jack needs a wiser…smarter friend!” said Gore Vidal.

I fumed. Stood up silently. Told Jackie I was leaving. She asked why. She apologized. Gore left.

“Thing is…he was right in a way. …I just…was hurt. Because it was such a personal attack. And…instead of realizing I was just straight we both made it about me being a deficient gay man.” says Lem.

“Who else found you annoying? For being straight?” asks the CIA.

“Several men who knew Gore. Red.” says Lem. “A few dark haired…gay men…who you don’t know about.”

“Did Jackie seem out of your league?” asks a reader.

“Yes and no. …I had low self-esteem.” I say.

Well…this is all for now. Goodnight.