“Tristan” by Lem

I really was straight. I was extremely straight. I was entirely straight.

So is Lacey. So am I.

But here’s the thing…some of Lacey’s former so-called friends…who are female…might not be.

…At least one of them has left their male spouse and is currently spending an exorbitant amount of time with a woman. Making posts about it on Facebook. …And…I suspect she’s not Lacey’s only secretly bisexual female friend.

When Lacey got married to Mark she was one of at least three young women who all became incredibly distant and cold. Cold, rude, and weirdly petty and disinterested in Lacey. Hateful, really.

…And…it’s my opinion…that they all secretly felt something for her…and that they’ve never been honest about it. To anyone.

Let me create for you an example of Tristan. Tristan. Yes, we’ll call him Tristan. …He’s unlike Lacey in that he’s actually bisexual and she’s straight. But…Tristan is a male Millenial who’s similar to Lacey in other ways. …He’s handsome. Not as good-looking as her. But fairly attractive. …He’s cheerful, caring, tall, slim…extremely smart…extremely sensitive…and while he secretly loves basketball his real passion is music. Singing, Playing the piano. Even writing music. …And…he’s very Christian. …So…taking his faith seriously he pledges at 13, as a Millennial, to sexual purity. Deciding to wait until marriage to sleep with anyone.

…All of the young wonton who Lacey was friends with who suddenly hated her…would have loved Tristan. I mean…LOVED.

“Tristan!!” they’d have screamed. “TRISTAN!!” as they jumped on him, in the high school hallway, as Millennial women did. Smiling the whole time. Genuinely.

Why? Why would they have genuinely gone crazy? Because he’s so…so sweet! …Genuinely sweet. …Caring. …At least a few of Lacey’s so-called friends would have called him as they called her. Late. Sad. Crying. Deeply in need of a truly caring person. A good listener. A stable, intelligent person. …And just like with Lacey they’d have poured their hearts out. Occasionally flirting, although…just like Lacey…he’d have very easily written it off. Assuming that they’d established a real friendship. So…even if they seemed weirdly…sexual…slightly…just like Lacey…he’d have imagined it was just nonsense. Some weird conversational fluke. …And because they didn’t want to tell her or him…how they really felt…and he and Lacey didn’t want to think these women felt anything nor did they even think it was almost possible for them to feel anything at all…(for very high-minded or logical reasons)…nothing was ever acknowledged. At all.

These women…would have assumed…he was…not just a fervent brother-in-Christ with an exceptionally sincere heart for Christ…but rather that he was completely gay. …EXCEPT gay in the way Jack Kennedy’s sisters assumed I was gay. …So…gay…with…something…satisfying added. Something…fun. Even if words were never said…or kisses given. Just…some…attitude. Some…attention. …And Lacey…being a woman was even more exempt. So…being entirely straight…was able to accidentally seem interested. …Because women analyze. And…given how exceptionally caring she is…they…could easily have misunderstood. Even though they weren’t satisfied in any way.

So…she…would hear them go on and on…and on…about their sexual activities. Much in a similar way to how Jack talked to me. …But she just ignored it. I didn’t care. And I encouraged it. She…acted concerned. Very concerned. About the level of purity they had maintained. …And someone like Kathryn would have instantly known Lacey was dead serious. But…these young women might not have. …Jack wouldn’t have either. And it’s entirely possible…they interpreted Lacey’s concern as sexual interest in them. Or romantic interest. Some sort of desire to keep them for herself, instead of for Christ as she was actually intending. …Matter-of-fact…I may know that this happened with at least one of them. …Because…women can be like that.

Tristan…would have had the same problem. …These sort of women calling him…revealing their sex lives…in lurid details…like he was “just a friend” who they were telling this very personal stuff to to “keep themselves accountable”.

“Yeah! But do they know!?” says Devin.

Do they know that they have feelings?

“YES!” says Devin.

Not necessarily.

Devin thinks. Smirks.

“Yeah. Not necessarily.” I say.

And that’s the problem. …They might not really know. So…they repress those feelings and then become…possessive. …Possessive of Tristan. And possessive of Lacey. …Because Lacey’s straight but she’s very caring…and they could have been confused by her…and Tristan because he’s attracted to women…even if he’s not really attracted to them.

“Tristan is my guy!!!” one of them would have said about him, half-jokingly. Literally hanging on him. As he wrapped his arms around them, giving them a very loving but totally platonic hug.

And Lacey…was often…a “best friend”. Although she found nothing odd about it. Because she wanted to be genuinely loving.

Lux Aeterna plays.

The sad thing is…both Tristan and Lacey…were sincere. Worrying about these women. As friends. Grieving over them. …And let’s be honest both Tristan and Lacey are made by…neglect. Neglectful parents. …Possibly aristocratic parents. But certainly parents who aren’t paying any real attention. Asking any questions to try to really help.

So…when Tristan and Lacey both have crushes on the wrong people…nobody does anything. Well…almost nobody.

…One friend…Lara…who was an undiagnosed bipolar patient when Lacey met her…noticed. Slightly. …She said, “Huh. I mean…I think Joel is one of the best looking guys on campus!” …And she said it very forcefully. …To her credit. …And someday when she dies…and reviews her life…that moment will bring her to tears.

She was…it.

1:52

She was the only…defense.

And…she’ll be very tempted to beat herself up over it. Because she’ll feel…she knew. And she’ll feel…sick that she didn’t say more. …And her rage will haunt the Earth. If the Earth still exists. Yes. It’s that serious. And it will bother her that much.

The song restarts.

“Did she really know!?” says Lacey sipping a cold Chardonnay, from the leftovers she used to make lamb for Easter.

She suddenly itches. Because of me. …No. I’m not using heroin. But my energy still has that attached to it. …God protects her. And she’s slightly dead in a way you don’t understand yet.

“YES!!!” yells Lara. “I KNEW YOU WERE MAKING A MISTAKE!!” This is in the future.

Lara had a conscience. At least somewhat. and that’s more than a lot of people today, sadly.

…Joel looked a lot like me. …And if he’d pursued her more…like I did…(yes…I’m a ghost but I’m not going to compete) she’d have been interested. But he did not.

Anyway…let’s say Tristan dated a pretty Jewish woman. Blue eyes. Thick curls. A runner. Smart. But very sexually active.

…These women would have HATED it…and assumed, stupidly in a way, that he was never going to get married anyway. …Had she dated me…or Joel…they’d have been cold. But less shocked.