“In Reality” by Lem

I was straight.

How did I stand Jack’s cheating? …I didn’t care…because I WAS STRAIGHT. …I mean…it made me sad. A little. But not that much. …I just…didn’t think…if it didn’t bother me…I should care. …And I had no real sexual or romantic interest in him. So…it’s like a gay man who completely gay…and married to a woman. Who for whatever reason thinks he’s straight. …What would he do if his wife wanted to sleep with lots of men? And tell him all of the details!? Make him watch? …Would he like it? No. In a way he wouldn’t. Except…he’s GAY.

And could a narcissistic woman marry a gay man?! YES! …Think about it! It’s perfect. …He thinks he’s straight. She’s extremely controlling. She’s into hurting him…and he looks like this:

So…maybe not exactly like them. But close. They’re mostly bisexual.

At any rate…she’s…got an attractive gay man. Who’s…confused. And thinks he’s straight. Who’s married to her.

He does everything for her. And…takes up…straight male activities to seem normal-straight. …And her family controls him. Of course. But it appears to outsiders that he’s close to all of them. Very close. …Especially her brothers.

In high school…before she gave him an ultimatum…he did a lot of work for the musical theater community. …And he LOVES braiding her hair when she’s right out of the shower. …Even when she’s naked. …More than anything…he loves to sit…comb out her hair…and carefully gel and braid it.

His other real favorite activities include…giving her non-sexual massages. …And he likes to send her photos of naked men. Especially buff ones.

…You guys I was straight.

I was straight.

I’m the ghost of Kirk LeMoyne Billings and I was straight. I was heterosexual. Completely.

…I did not appreciate Jack sleeping with women…but I also didn’t know how to really care. …I just…couldn’t. I couldn’t force my to care enough. …People have never processed that. …I didn’t care. Not nearly enough. And it’s WEIRD. Why would I have found the idea of sharing all of those women we posed with exciting? All of them!? Over and over and over? …When do we have any real intimacy? …WE DON’T! …It’s a ludicrous premise you’ve based your entire life story of me on. Absolutely nuts.

…No. I had…moral issues with him. Moral qualms. Often! But…I felt trapped and I couldn’t get women myself. So…I enjoyed the idea of them in his writing and in the stories he’s tell. That’s very straight! And sad. And…pathetic. But I had a vile life.

…Why did I argue with Jackie? …Because I was sexually attracted to her slightly…but yet not. And…I found her really annoying…and yet sexually attractive. So…it was…mentally destabilizing. …Because I had repressed heterosexuality desires. And I was…killing myself. And she…didn’t appeal to me really…but she had some real natural beauty. So…in certain lights…I’d look at her and feel…aroused. …Not enough to bother. So to speak. But enough to feel…hurt that she didn’t like me. Because she didn’t. Not…really. …And it wasn’t even that…much about jealousy. …Because I was straight…it may have appeared that we fought for Jack’s attention. But in reality…that tension wasn’t real. …I wasn’t possessive of him at all. …Not REALLY. …Okay? …It wasn’t there. …Not like a lover. …And she sensed that. …And that’s why she could stand me. Even though I “serviced him”. Because it was…cold. And he was too narcissistic and closeted to care most of the time. But she noticed. And…she just…assumed he was straight. And…using me. To feel good. …Because thinking I didn’t care…seemed…less likely to her. But believing him…meant he loved her. Wasn’t lying to her. And it explained to her why it was so…passionless. Why I could shrug my shoulders and walk away. And he…”needed it”. …I didn’t seem…that…concerned about her. Which was ODD. But…if it was medicine to him…and he was the strong…amazing man he pretended to be to her…then…maybe he made me not care. Right? …And that’s not possible. …But you believed it too. Just like her.

…So…she…was jealous. But…not unbearably so. …I got hurt…but…not really. Not like I should have! Not at all!

Ethel wasn’t that curvy. Jackie wasn’t. Joan wasn’t my type. …His sisters were kind of ugly. And…I wasn’t a womanizer. So…I just…dealt with it.

I mean…I’m sorry. It’s harsh. But it’s reality.

What if…that gay man met that narcissistic woman with brothers who all looked like this:

…And he wasn’t into Asian men, we’ll say. …And…he felt…more like their friend.

And then…he saw one of these men:

And…they were…very interested in him.

Even if…you don’t think his naked braids are gay. …And you insist he was just so straight that he didn’t care that his wife was fucking dozens of women every year and several men…and that he was obviously straight because he played BASKETBALL…and FOOTBALL! Wow! …And he never sounded gay. And he never…did gay stuff…other than when he occasionally starting twirling and randomly painting his nails in clear nail polish. “Just to add a special touch!” …And he walked naturally by wiggling his hips slightly out of some unknown psychologically uncontrollable desire to do so… …What if…even if it devastated her narcissistic nieces who insisted that he was falling madly in love with them after she died…because they were as ravishing as her…and they quickly became his sex idols…he told you he needed you to believe him, when as a ghost, he told you he was gay. …Gay. What if God allowed it in Heaven. And he told that after he killed himself on her birthday…that he married Mr. February of Playgirl 1985? …That that man was a sweetheart. And that he was happy. …Would you be open to that? Yes! Sadly you would more than this. …But you’d still be so attached to the idea of her…that you’d not be able to let go.

I loved golf. I liked fishing. I collected Playboy. …I was genuinely very much straight.

I’m real. And your attachment to an idea doesn’t matter as much as our existence. Grow up! …If Richard Burton was gay…he was gay. If I was straight I was straight. If Michael Jackson was secretly psychotic? Then he was. If…Bruce Jenner experienced life as a woman…then that’s real too. Regardless. Some things just are. …And even if they’re difficult to accept we have to. We have no choice. …Perhaps you can question Bruce Jenner’s story…but you have to accept that regardless of the gender of that person…if they say they experience life as a woman…and they really mean it…maybe that’s real! Too bad if it’s insane. That’s not the point. That’s her problem? That’s his problem? …We can’t alter her mind? His mind? …And I’m not insane and I’m saying I was straight. And I’m offering proof. You can’t change that. And there is no explanation!!! Just like Bruce Jenner insists she’s Caitlyn. That happened! You don’t have to like it. But it happened. …My proof has no good answer to quell the insistent argument that I was straight. It’s perfect. I’m very intelligent. And I found it! …You don’t have to like it…but you can’t say it isn’t real. …Bruce wants to be called Caitlyn. Or so he literally said. …That’s just reality.

I was straight. …Get mad! But stop lying! …It’s SO obvious. When you think about it. It’s OBVIOUS!!!

Lacey has boobs! Jackie did not!

You can argue that Jackie had better style. I guess???? …Although I don’t know how I feel about that. …But you can’t argue that they have the same body!!

LOOK!

Even without any…help…Lacey has bigger curves. LOOK!!

STOP LYING!!!

…Do you really think…a man who was straight…could look at Lacey’s naked body…and not be aroused if he wasn’t in love? NO!! …Her breasts aren’t as big as some people. But…size isn’t a simple thing. And yet it is. …I’m sorry. …I mean Jackie no harm…but…she was quite flat. …Lacey is actually very curvy. It’s…not…loud. Or…in the same manner as some women. But…she’s- She’s curvy. …If Jackie was as…not curvy as she looks…then…maybe I wasn’t…that aroused? Huh? …And Ethel wasn’t…terrible looking. But she wasn’t as pretty as Jackie even. I’m sorry! …Lee was okay. Not great. …Movie stars? No. …I found them arousing at times. Like Janet Lee. But…I didn’t feel…anything. You know? …So…why bother? No. I don’t like promiscuous sex. Not really! …It’s sad. …I’m too smart…and deep…to be honest. It’s gross.

So…I’d smile like an idiot when Janet showed-up. But…that’s all. …And…really Marilyn…is different. So is Lacey. …And I was…taken by Marilyn. …Not enough to sleep with her. But enough to make Jack mad. Yes! That happened. I was staring at her. With…longing. Sadness. …And he saw me. And at that time…it made him furious.

…Jack…found her attractive. But not like me. …Some bisexuals like women to look womanly. …Some bisexuals have a fascination with masculine looks for women. Jack liked women who were pretty…but…more stylish than feminine. More…svelte than curvy. …Jackie was his wife. …He wasn’t capable of love…but I think he tried with her. Out of fear. Out of…a sense of…self obsession. Out of…some meager love a true narcissist can have.

…No. If Lacey had been there…I’d have married her. No problem. …Jackie…was a woman…but…Jack “needed me” and she was his wife…and…I wasn’t jealous…in any way…I just…couldn’t figure out our relationship. …I couldn’t treat her like a real buddy’s wife. Yet…she wasn’t a lover. I found her attractive. But…her lack of curves reminded me of my living hell. Subconsciously. That he had a wife…but I wasn’t allowed.

I hope someday you understand.