Listen to “Hot Blooded” by New Constellations.
Eric possibly channels Bobby Kennedy Junior.
Bobby Kennedy Junior:
You may be thinking to yourself, “How the hell is that handsome sexy man, a cabinet member?
“I had no idea a man could be as sexy as Bobby Kennedy Junior, and also be that smart.”
Well, I have good news for you, ladies!
I exist.
3:30
That’s right I am 5 foot 9, but I look like 6 foot 2. People have told me my whole life that I look really tall.
Well, enough about that! Right ladies? We all know it’s not just size that matters.
*he laughs*
You may be reading this blog thinking to yourself, “I thought that Kirk Lemoyne Billings, of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, born in 1916, was a closeted gay man. Hey, what’s going on? I thought he was best friends with the former president of the United States, commonly known as JFK.”
Yup.
You know, I knew Lem. *he looks VERY angry* I actually knew him!
I actually knew Lem!
I have to listen to this woman in Minnesota tell me all of this stupid false information. Daily.
And I am offended.
Look don’t be too hard on her OK? Because I’m sure she’s probably a nice person, and she’s just had a really crap life.
I know a thing or two about having a tough life. Actually, I know a hell of a lot more than most people, including her.
I probably had the most difficult life of anyone to ever live. My father was Robert Kennedy Senior he was assassinated. You may know about that?
Yes, my father was assassinated in June 1968.
I repeat my father was assassinated on television in June 1968. I was only 14 years old.
I was only 14 years old.
Father died when I was just a mere 14 years old. And I was his son…and he died.
Can you really get a more painful life than that?
My mother was also a huge bitch, and she used to slap me.
And I probably have a personality disorder, according to some people.
So when you add all things together, it’s absolutely awful life.
Somewhere in there, is evidence to suggest that I have had a really terrible life, more than anyone else.
Anyway, it sounds different when you hear it from some people. Those people know a hell of a lot more about history than I do.
Yes, I have had to read about my father to remember him, at times. I don’t have a very good memory and I was using a lot of drugs in my teenage years.
Truthfully, I don’t really even remember Lem all that well.
I do remember him.
I mean, I remember him.
No, I definitely remember him! 
I do!
Yeah, I do. I remember. 
And you know-
See Lacey says that she was married to him for almost 15 years. But then that would mean that there’s reincarnation. And we all know that that has been debunked.
I don’t think there’s anyone of sound mind who really believes that.
No, most of Asia doesn’t believe in reincarnation anymore.
At least that’s the impression I gathered?
Didn’t they stop believing in that a while ago cause it’s sort of old-fashioned?
Anyway, that’s the truth. I think I’m gonna say it that way: there’s no way that anyone of sound mind believes that, any of that, is real. 
Anyway, I guess that’s the story and then they want me to believe that he was straight.
I don’t know. I just I like to be really careful with stuff like that. You don’t want to believe something like that too quickly. 
Did he look gay? YAS!
He was the gayest man I ever met.
A reader: Did he have a “Playboy” collection?
That sounds vaguely possible.
A reader: That sounds vaguely possible!?!
Yeah, it sounds vaguely possible.
*he feels nervous*
A reader: So you’re saying it’s possible?
*he stares*
*looks surprised*
*decides to be quiet*
A reader: You’re saying it’s vaguely possible and I just caught you.
*refuses to speak*
OK, yeah, he might have?
Another reader: What gay man has a “Playboy” collection? 
I think he was just doing it to try to be normal and seem like Jack and fit in with Jack and be like Jack, because he was obsessed with Jack.
Matt: Bobby, that doesn’t make any sense. I’m sorry.
Yeah, it does. Couldn’t you just read all of them simply because you were trying desperately to fit in with someone?
Matt: I think you mean, collect them and put them neatly somewhere. Did you have a sense that he was reading them?
*he stares*
Yes! I think you could easily collect “Playboy” for years and read it and just think “Hey…I don’t know what this is about, but I’m just gonna keep playing along! Because I want to fit it!”
Matt: How many years was he collecting this? 
Decades.
Matt: And he was reading it periodically for decades!? 
Yes.
Matt: Bobby, that does not seem possible. I’m sorry there’s no way he was gay. When I look at him, I see why you might think he is, but there’s something about him that isn’t real. I think he was a very fake person. And I think you’re so used to being fake and you’re so used to being surrounded by other fake people that you don’t really know the difference.
I’m not saying he was fake in his heart, but I don’t think he was being himself.
I think he was being something entirely different than what he is.
I have a feeling he was too straight to enjoy that magazine, to be honest. I wonder if he was suicidal most of his life.
God: He was.
*gets very quiet*
My mother thought he was abusing me a lot of other people did too, and it definitely became a mindset that I had whenever I was around him. 
Sometimes he would lean-in and talk to me and act like he was flirting with me and say, “My goodness, you have such a pretty hair!”
Matt: *nods*
And I would smile and say, “Lem, that’s only something you should say to girls!” 
*he laughs*
And he would say, “Bobby, you know I’m a fruit!” 
And I would say, “Lem, you’ve gotta stop crushing on men who are not really interested in you!” 
And he would just stare at me and be like “whatever man can’t help it!”
And then other times he would open doors for me and be like, “You go first, your majesty!”
And I thought, “Wow, this man is pathetic “
And then sometimes he would look at me and be like “Bobby you are obviously the smartest guy in your entire family!” and I would say, “You know we’ve got to try to be nice to other people!” Nice to them, you know? Because I know you and I are like best friends, and you have kind of like a thing for me, but let’s try to think of everyone in the whole family.
I mean, I was like Lem, chill buddy, calm down! *he laughs* Dude, take a chill pill!
And he would just be like, no I’m just, you know, insanely in love with you.
*he thinks*
And I was obviously totally trusting this man.
*feels overwhelmed*
Matt: *nods*
I really think he was crazy about me.
*he says, with less conviction*
Yeah, OK I guess a “Playboy” collection is a little weird. 
I struggle to be faithful. I cannot imagine being that reserved!
I almost think he wanted to kill me because he was so sexually frustrated.
*he thinks*
Matt:  Are you actually a safe person to be in charge of the food supply? 
A lot of people don’t think so. Obviously, I think I’m fine.
Lacey has told me through Eric if he’s channeling me right now, that she thinks I could get assassinated within the next two years.
The CID: And that makes you angry because that’s not how Lem treated you.
Yeah. Whatever.
Anyway, even though this makes sense by tomorrow morning, I’ll probably go back to thinking that Lem was gay. So enjoy the next two hours of me wondering if Lem wasn’t.
This has been one of the more convincing conversations I’ve had with you folks.
But by tomorrow morning, yeah, I will be right as rain and I will think I was right all along. “These people are idiots. I have it all figured out and turns out Lem was gay.”
A reader:  Can you fix that?
No.  No, I’ve had many wives try to fix me over the years and it’s not possible. 
Lem tried to convince me that I was the object of his affection, and I am apt to believe that sort of thing. 
If you tell me that you admire me, I never forget it.
If you tell me that you hate me, I might forget that.
I’m a special sort of person. Is it because I’m a good person. No. It’s because I just can’t imagine anyone not liking me and in my case is for narcissistic reasons. 
I just can’t imagine it.
So be careful telling me that you have a crush on me because I take that very, very, very, very seriously. 
I am lovable, but maybe I take it a little too seriously.
Anyway, Lem used to give me large amounts of heroin, and I would almost die. One time he shoved a heroin needle in my shoulder when I was 20…and I collapsed on the bathroom floor in New York City…and I was out and they thought I was dead. 
Have few of my girlfriends hated him because they thought he was a horrible person who was trying to kill me.
And I just used to reassure them that that wasn’t remotely possible. He was just an old coot. Yeah he was just an old weirdo who was sad.
And then I would go check on him and try to really engage in some deep meaningful conversation and sometimes we talked. And then I would leave just before he’d start crying.
Mom always said, “If he starts getting ready to cry, just leave!” 
So I’d be like, “See you later, alligator!” 
I’ve been popular my whole life. 
He was weird.
Yeah, he would shoot me full of heroin and I would just fall on the ground. I’d wake-up with stiff necks.  I don’t think he cared. 
I think he was madly in love with me, but I don’t think he knew how to express it.
Matt: Wow, that was a fast turnaround.
Well, I’m just thinking about it and I remembering him and the way he used to talk to me. We had intimate conversations about his feelings and our emotions. I don’t think it’s possible for a man to speak like that without being in love with you.
Matt: That’s not true Bobby. 
Oh yeah, then why do you believe it?
Matt: OK, but it’s not true.
Then why did he wanna take me to Haiti and Hawaii? It was to see me in a swimsuit.
I mean, granted I used to wear shorts around him, sometimes even might tighty whities, but I just think swim trunks are more sexual.
And I used to wear swim trunks when we go on vacation. I just think he was taking me on vacation to see me in swim trunks.
That and he was afraid that we were being spied on, everywhere we went. We couldn’t find a place alone for him to finally come on to me.
Did he ever do it? No. But I just don’t think he could ever find a place where he wasn’t worried or being watched.
A reader: But then you have to think if he was so worried about that why wasn’t he worried that they’d see the two of you having intimate conversations? 
Because that’s not sexual.
A reader: But it would probably look sexual to them if you were staring into each other‘s eyes being intimate? 
You can’t tell when people are talking if they’re being intimate, ever.
A reader: Then how did your wives catch you? 
But you’re saying intimate like intimate I’m saying like “intimate”.
A reader: You seem so much smarter than this on television. 
I think this is what they edited out of “Eyes Wide Shut”. How stupid some of you actually are.
Fine, but he did come on to me!
No, he didn’t. You’ve already said that he didn’t.
When did I say that?
You said that!
I never said!
Yes, you did!
When did I say that?
You said that!
Gosh, I really don’t think I said that.
I think you said that. Matter of fact, I know you said.
Then he didn’t come on!
Yeah.
But you know, he did come on to me. 
Listen to “The Second Waltz” by Shostakovich.
He came on to me!
No, he didn’t.
Then how did he come on to me?
He never did!
Then my life is a lie.
Then your life is a lie. 
*Bobby stares in shock*
Who are you?
The ghost of Martha Moxley.
That’s why I think you’re pretty.
Yeah.
I thought you were a young woman alive today.
Martha Moxley: No.
Did she see you die?
Yup!
She knows that some guy lost their temper, some man, some young man, some male.
Who convinced her to think I was attractive?
Honey Fitz. To tell you the truth, Joe really did have a crush on her, big time. And Honey Fitz was sure that Joe was basically perfect.
She’s Tom’s daughter. It’s really that simple.
And no, it’s crazy, but he just started thinking of her as someone who was supposed to have married Joe.
He was really nice to her until she was in her 20s.
So he tricked her into coming back and then he was nice?
Yeah. He had a really serious problem.
So your whole family just completely screwed her over.
What the hell did she think of Lem before any of this happened? 
She thought that he was dumb. Just incredibly retarded.
And she thought that he was just an absolute idiot, but underneath all that she still loved him.
She wouldn’t have thought that if she had stayed on the other side, that was her, trying to adjust her thinking to fit in with people.
She’s trying to explain what actually happened and you just didn’t wanna hear it.
Let me tell you something. There are aliens.
Tucker Carlson has seen them.
They’re green and they’re blue.
I have heard that the blue ones can be violent. I’m not trying to say anything, but I wonder if you were killed by a blue alien. A blue male alien. 
I have never met any blue aliens, but Tucker has and he says that they frequently have attacked him and he’s been able to fend them off using a makeshift-makeshift laser.
I don’t particularly think that I would ever wanna meet one. 
But I have a very strong feeling if I ever met a blue alien…that I would kick its ass. I mean Tucker‘s not short, but he’s a little on the flabby side. I’m sure you can see him.
I’ve been working out. And yeah, OK sometimes I use a cane. Sometimes I’m bedridden, sometimes I’m in a chair. 
I am still a threat.
The green aliens are fine. They’re perfectly nice.
Anyway, those are top secret bits of information for a Miss Martha.
Thank you.
You really are pretty.
It’s funny how she’s disappearing now.
Anyway, I’m not too worried about aliens Tucker says that he’s met them many times and they’re completely fine.
A reader: Didn’t you just tell us the blue ones are violent?
Oh yeah, but if Tucker can take him, I think pretty much anyone could.
I’m not saying he’s a wimp, but he’s fat. I don’t think he works out.
He’s not a small man though.
I think if there’s an alien that is blue, pink, purple or even orange, I would be suspicious. Those are girly colors. And there’s no way that any alien who could be a threat would be pink.
I mean, we’re sort of pinky peach. But we’re not aliens.
True.
So.
What’s it like working for Donald Trump?
I mean, I hate it.
I’m secretly still a Democrat.
I’m not really like a Democrat, but I’m secretly still a Democrat. And I don’t hate him. He’s nice. But I’ve had to screw over the environment so many times and as much as I don’t really give a shit, it is somewhat distasteful.
See, he believes that oil is a good thing. He thinks that we should stop harming children as much.
I still find it distasteful.
I should’ve just gone with Lem to Haiti and let him look at me in my trunks.
We’re back to that!
Yeah, we’re back to that.
He didn’t come on to me.
But dammit he wanted to.
He wanted to run up to me and say, “Bobby, fuck me!”
He wanted to drive to me and say, “Bobby let me take you to another world!”
And then he wanted to throw me…somewhere. And…be sexy.  
Bobby, are you really this bad?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
 And then just say, “Hey, you’re hot!” 
“You’re a hot man!” 
And then I would’ve said, “Wow, Lem!” Of course I would’ve been out of my mind for a second before I started kung-fu fighting him. I would’ve kung-fu fought him and said “Let’s make love, kung-fu style.” I would’ve thrown him all over.
And he would’ve looked at me finally three days later and said, “You’ve destroyed me!” But with this look of absolute bliss, where obviously, he had never been happier his entire life.
Would you have married him?
Yeah!!! And then I would’ve divorced him two weeks later.
And I would’ve gotten married to some extraordinarily beautiful woman or man.
And lived with my Mercedes in a mansion.
My family had a lot of money, but I still used daydream about being rich.
So I would have taken my wife in my Mercedes and I would’ve said to Lem, “I’m sorry I’m too straight.” 
That is definitely showing him.
He was kind of a prick.
Maybe you weren’t in love.
Maybe he wasn’t gay!
*he laughs*
Well, it’ll all be gone by tomorrow morning.
You know, I’m really tired of Cheryl.
Do you think they’ll be a wife number 4?
I think there will be a wife number 25.
*he looks mad*
Martha what did I just tell everyone?
She’s gone, Bobby.
Did I tell people about how I was thinking that I would kung fu fight Lem?
Not at all!
This is satire. This isn’t funny. This is far too close to reality.
Why would you sue her? 
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Keen to Cross the Pond 