LACEY IS FOR IT!

Listen to “The Ride of the Valkyries: ‘Die Walkure’” by Richard Wagner, as performed by London Symphony Orchestra.

Lacey: What year is it?

Hitler: Hmm?

Lacey: What year is it?

Hitler: Ahh! Well, my dear it’s 1960.

Lacey: Let’s go further back!!

Hitler: Alright.

It’s 1950.

Lacey: If this is boring for you, let me know.

Hitler: No. I’m just worried.

But we’ll see.

Lacey: I’m having fun!

Hitler: Goody.

Now what?

Lacey: How broke are we?

Hitler: VERY!

Lacey: HOW BROKE!?

Hitler: *panics*

No. We’re safe.

It’s apparently safe for people to understand how brilliant you are with money.

So now what? –

It’s bad.

It’s very bad. You have…basically ten cents.

Lacey: What land do we have?

Hitler: All of Great Britain.

A bit of this and that.

Lacey: *thinks*

WE SHALL GO INTO COMPETITION WITH THE US.

Hitler: How?

Lacey: WE SHALL MAKE THEM BEG!!! FOR OUR APPROVAL. Actually, for the approval of the WHOLE WORLD.

Hitler: How money can be made? Lord Loughborough is helping.

Lacey: IT WORKS.

Hitler: It does. You make…millions?

Lacey: Yes!!!

How much?

Hitler: Billions.

Lacey: GOOD!

And what’s the damage?

The song ends.

Listen to “Overture: ‘Der Fliegende Hollander’” by Wagner.

Hitler: The world has severe emotional distress.

Lacey: How badly?

Hitler: Well…Great Britain is FAR better off. Actually, we’re…almost happy.

But…China, especially, is literally hurt.

Lacey: Emotionally or physically?

Hitler: Emotionally.

Lacey: They’ll recover.

Actually, we can fix it.

We’ll spread good cheer.

Hitler: Within ten years the whole world has recovered. No one is the wiser.

And Great Britain is…financially stable.

Lacey: I guess I didn’t need to start a war.

Was anyone seriously harmed?

Hitler: No. Actually.

Nefertiti: *laughs*

Yes, that’s how I raised you. The little I did.

Good.

Hitler: I forget Tutankhamen was her brother.

God: They’re quite good at this.

Hitler: What if we had started a war!?

Lacey: YES!

Hitler: Let’s do it!

Lacey: Okay!

*she thinks*

We start a war with…Hawaii.

Hitler: WHAT!?

Lacey: Yes.

We start small.

And…I guess if they don’t take us up on it…

We start a war…with…North Korea.

Hitler: Later.

Lacey: Yes.

Fine! We start a war with Korea.

Hitler: Would she guide us to victory?

God: YUP!

And of course you’re wealthier. Although you have to annex ALL of Korea. As a new British territory, so to speak.

Alisha: How many other aliens are in Great Britain.

A dead man: Princess Anne is an alien. They all are. As in, all British people are aliens. From the planet Zorb.

Alisha: That’s not true.

A dead man: You’re right.

Lacey: Anyway.

Matt: Do you understand what happened now?

Lem: Not enough.

*later*

An American (white) gay man’s brain practically explodes, when he realizes Lacey really isn’t attracted to women. He can’t believe any woman could be so…brilliant at running a country…and be sexy…and not be a lesbian.

A reader: How do you make sense of Nefertiti?

The man: You can’t tell that this man isn’t gay!!

A reader: He’s not.

But that’s not Lem.

He’s not either, but that also isn’t Lem.

A reader: He doesn’t look gay. He looks insane.

God: He was losing his mind in that photo, already.

He almost totally lost his mind, at times. But never completely.

He seems gay…until you really look.

He seems potentially many things, until you really look. Provided you know enough about what everything looks like.

God: That’s far more Lem. As he actually is.

A reader: That is him!

I’m almost positive this all happened.

But I feel like I’m losing my mind.

God: Why!?

A reader: AHH…because Lem was gay to me. Until I read this blog.

And now I swear he’s Constantine.

Constantine: Do I look even bisexual?

Lacey: Yeah. You looked like as a Brit too.

Lem: I did.

If that’s me.

But do I look gay?

Lem: I look less actually gay as Lem.

Lem: I wasn’t gay. I was straight.

But…I was genetically closer to being gay…as Constantine. But I wasn’t gay.

Should there be reincarnation.

Gilgul.

I wasn’t at all gay though.

Casi: Imagine him with glasses!

Lem: That might be me.

Lacey: That does look like Lem!

*after a moment*

I need to stop laughing at myself. I almost feel nauseous.

Lem: She’s laughing at herself for drawing silly glasses.

Lacey: I don’t have enough patience. And I just want to see what it looks like!

Lem: It does look like me!

Matt: Does Lacey intimidate you?

Lacey’s neighbor: YES.

Matt: But-

How would she know that!?

Lacey’s neighbor: She can tell.

Matt: No. She can’t.

*he thinks*

She has some inkling. Not the same!

Were you teased as Lem?

Lem: You mean, Constantine?

Matt: Yes.

Lem: *laughs*

It’s in the Bible…or it doesn’t exist.

Yes. I was very smart. Very sensitive.

I had a difficult time.

It made me tough.

A moment later.

Matt: WHO AM I!? It’s driving me crazy.

Russia: Lem wasn’t gay.

Just for the record.

We almost know that for 100% certain.

He definitely isn’t now.

But…you have to remember straight men who pretend to be gay. In cinema. In television series. They always seem convincing.

Lem…looks biologically straight. He acts gay.

But…he looks physically heterosexual. As in, born heterosexual.