Ireland II

Lem: Okay! *he says laughing, in his manly, sexy way*

Lem is a large man. And his real voice could be quite deep, actually. In a way. Kind of like Dick Van Dyke. High-pitched but then suddenly deep. …Because Lem assumed he was gay, he hid his deep voice. Most of the time. He obviously doesn’t hid it around Lacey.

A reader: I vaguely remember what those men were like. Wow! That was a long time ago.

God: Lacey’s birth father was born in 1894.

The perfume collector from last night: FOR REAL!?

God: Yes.

He accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Margy, Lacey’s birth mom.

Margy and Tom were…an item…for years. Obviously they lived as though they were married, off and on.

The perfume collector from last night: I think we’re trying to be confused.

She’s obviously had to slowly piece this together over the years, but-

*he rolls his eyes*

It’s not like it doesn’t make sense.

He didn’t think he could get her pregnant!

God: Yeah.

The perfume collector from last night: Except, how did a man that sophisticated and worldly not know that?

God: Stop stalling.

The perfume collector from last night: This is terrifying!

Lacey: HA!

You wanted to figure me out!? Huh!?

ENJOY!

PDM: Oh. Because we kept calling her a liar.

Lacey: YEAH.

So I decided to let you REALLY know the truth.

*she laughs*

Imaginary Authors: Okay. Makes sense.

Lacey: You expect me to take you seriously at this point!?

The CIA: Glenn. You can’t sue her.

There’s no case.

Lacey: Yeah, they’re such assholes!

Glenn Campbell: But that’s my name!

The CIA: Yeah.

But you’re dead.

Lacey: It’s also parody.

Even if there is an Illuminati and it can channel you…you can’t assume this is all verbatim. You know? It’s an interpretation of fact. It’s an opinion. Like SNL.

It’s possible it’s bizarrely accurate. *she shrugs* But it’s also not necessarily. Because it’s a parody.

The CIA: Glenn who!?

You know?

Glenn: But I know who I am!!!

PUTIN: YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!

THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!!

You’re stalking her. But the legalities of the internet are WEAK. …This is a BRILLIANT way to handle all of you.

…You know who you are. No one else reading this…legally does.

A perfume collector: But I do!

PUTIN: YOU IDIOT!

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?

You have to stop kissing your own assholes! GEEZ!

THINK for a change! MY GOD!

…You’re going to testify in court that you’re STALKING her!? GROW A BRAIN!! YOU IMBECILE!

The perfume collector: Okay.

I’m not as smart as her. And this isn’t my expertise.

I’m not that-

The CIA: You’re a lawyer?

The perfume collector: Yeah.

The CIA: You seem dumb.

*they shrug*

You don’t seem intellectually capable of being a real lawyer.

The law is clearly on her side.

Glenn: *pouting* THAT CANNOT BE TRUE!

The CIA: You irritate us.

We know who you are.

Don’t be dumb.

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?

Oh wait, I know. Last night…you admitted your social class. You admitted you were a fool. You admitted you were just jealous.

What are you doing? Trying to read the room? Are you afraid you’re going to be out of the cool club? Within the Illuminati? Within the perfume community?

Glen Campbell: Fine.

I’m just poor.

The CIA: No you’re not!

Glen: Well…okay.

That is my aesthetic, kind of.

I’m very “down-to-Earth”. And I was also…feeling a little egotistically wounded. To be honest.

The CIA: Maybe there are a dozen men named Greenberg. Glenn…who’s alive?

I’m reading that you’re not okay with this?

Glenn: If I can’t sue…-

*he shakes his head in disbelief and disgust*

Glen Campbell: Why would you want to sue?

Who even are you!?

Glenn: I’m GLENN. As in, THEE GLENN.

Glen: I think I am THEE GLEN.

Glenn: This isn’t funny!

THIS IS NOT FUNNY!

Glen: Why would you want to sue her?

*they wait*

Glen: Why would some random man named Glenn from the perfume community want to sue her?

Sarah: I don’t know.

She hears my name too. Often.

It’s less clear if I’m in the perfume community. But I am.

I hate her.

Although, in my gossip food chain…in the perfume community…I’m starting to wonder if she’s just misunderstood. Am I allowed to think that!?

Sometimes…I feel like I’m going to be bullied if I don’t hate her. And, to be honest, it’s REALLY CREEPY. But I just keep telling myself it’s not possible, because adults aren’t that stupid.

Glenn: STOP CHANNELING ME.

The CIA: We can’t. Your energy keeps popping up.

You seem very invested in this, whoever you are.

Ryan: He’s kind of a famous person, in the community.

The CIA: Okay.

Huh.

Who is he?

Ryan: FUCK!

You’re-

Glen: Why do you want to sue her?

Glenn: *looks irate*

I’M EMBARRASSED!

Glen: BY WHAT!?

Ryan: He’s a famous person.

Glen: How famous?

Ryan: Well…okay…if you’re not in the community it’s not really that important.

Glen: No! Who is he!?

*later*

Lacey: Okay.

Is that Mr. Cologne 76?

Ryan: YES!

Lacey: I’ve intentionally written about him before. But as a writer.

That was a while ago. That was…-

This is still mostly just art, but I’ve written stuff recently, on other posts, that wasn’t. I’m not intentionally channeling him.

Glenn, Mr. Cologne 76, why are you angry at me?

Glenn: Is this even me!?

Glen: DUDE! It might not be. *he laughs*

Glenn: You embarrassed me!

Lacey: Certainly not intentionally!

The perfume collector from last night: Yeah!

Great, now you just seem like a prick!

I mean, Glenn.

The CIA: You can’t sue her! She could potentially SUE YOU!

Do you understand!?

Glenn: Would I lose?

The CIA: Umm..

Yeah.

It would be absolute hell, for many people.

Hey, why don’t you try taking her more seriously.

What’s the point of this post now anyway!?

Casi: I let them think I was in the right.

Lem: CAN WE TALK!?

The perfume collector from last night: So…I’m confused.

Why do I feel like…I’m an idiot?

Glenn: MAYBE YOU HAVE BEEN AN IDIOT.

Glen: Is that Mr. Cologne 76 saying that or not?

LACEY CANNOT ACTUALLY KNOW, FOR SURE. *he rolls his eyes*

I’ll say that: MAYBE YOU HAVE BEEN AN IDIOT!

Lem: You desperately wanted to talk.

The perfume collector from last night: We thought she was jealous…

Lem: OF WHAT!??

What BULLSHIT did you invent!?

Moloch: I’m afraid if she had a point, she’s falling apart.

Glenn: *rolls his eyes*

Did you communicate that you wanted to talk about something meaningful?

The perfume collector from last night: Yes!

Glenn: WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS!?

The perfume collector from last night: Okay.

I’m weirded out by this stupid blog.

Lem: Can you try to explain why like an adult?

Imaginary Authors: Am I a parody?

Lacey: Yes.

I’m intuiting you. It’s just in my head.

You may not be this way.

And I just highlight the part that’s potentially comedic.

A Black woman: I thought she was claiming to be Black.

Lem: No.

Imaginary Authors: That’s genius, like me.

Lem: You’re not an actual genius. Lacey and I both are.

You can go fuck yourself!

*they all wait*

Was there something that you wanted to say!?

Moloch: I think they’re getting too jealous.

Lem: Okay?

I’m just a ghost.

There’s just possibly an Illuminati.

It’s pretty simple.

Alicia: Are you all freaking-out about the occult?

Glen: I think that’s it.

Imaginary Authors: *addressing Lacey, as if she’s Jack*

Does it bother you when she gets so angry!?

Glen: Do you think she’s stealing your concept!?

Imaginary Authors: Yes. But in all honesty, I’m realizing it’s not. I’m just dumb. It’s SNL. And she’s already credited them.

Glen: Are you really this pathetic?

Lacey: I’m not JFK.

Alisha: Then I guess you’re as pretty as me. *she says, primly*

Lacey: I’m FAR prettier.

The CIA: *laughs*

She is.

You seriously think we’d be consoling Putin today if she looked like Alisha!? She actually is a rare beauty.

You all need to grow-up.

*they’re all stunned*

It’s not that Alisha isn’t pretty. Lacey is just unusually good-looking.

Jim: You should have seen Margy! WOW! She was a BEAUTIFUL woman.

The CIA: Her mom!

Jim: *he nods*

I loved her.

We never were like that. But I was very fond of her.

The CIA: *waiting*

Alisha: *seems to not be able to get over it*

A model: Do you understand what’s wrong with your face, that makes you inferior?

Alisha: Not really?

*looks dejected*

A model: Wow! You are vain!

Most women are far more self-aware.

Nancy: I’ve been told that too.

A model: If the shoe fits?

Casi: I just thought she was in love with me…

Alisha: *becomes angry*

I LOVE MY DAMN CAR!

Y’all can go fuck yourselves!

Lem’s right.

Lem: I’m not her friend.

Alisha: My Vette ROCKS!

Casi: HELL YEAH!

Glen: Nobody was insulting the Corvette.

Lacey: It’s just a very stereotypical “white trash” car.

Glen: She’s being honest.

The perfume collector from last night: Does it bother you that Jack and Lem were supposedly lovers?

Lacey: No.

What bothers me is how people can’t let Lem go.

I mean, it’s not pleasant. But-

Lem: It bothers her. But that’s not a public issue.

Lacey: Yes! The way it bothers me is very personal. And entirely between Lem and me.

The perfume collector from last night: I CAUGHT YOU!

Glen: How!?

I’m lost…

The perfume collector from last night: She’s jealous!

Lem: Not necessarily…

Imaginary Authors: You mean…she’s a real cis woman!?

And she’s not a lesbian?

Lem: Yup.

Imaginary Authors: I can’t let Lem go.

Lem: Not my problem.

I mean, it’s partially my fault. But…I can’t control how you feel about it, beyond a certain point.

Lacey: *nods*

Imaginary Authors: Am I en league with Bobby Kennedy Junior.

Putin: YES!

Imaginary Authors: Did Bobby hit on your wife?

Putin: YEAH!

Jackass!

Bobby: That’s just my style.

Take it or leave it.

Imaginary Authors: Buddy…she’s making you out to be a jerk.

I feel for you.

Bobby: Well…her family is in the pocket of big oil.

Imaginary Authors: Who-

So is your President??

Bobby: Some might say that.

I don’t!

I don’t…-

I think Donald Trump is a fine man!

Imaginary Authors: Ahh…so…he is in the pocket of big oil?

Bobby: *he shrugs*

Imaginary Authors: WHO DOES YOUR WORK FOR YOU!?

Bobby: Ha!

I do it myself!

Imaginary Authors: Is that even a good thing? I can’t-

Lem: I tried to kill him.

I wanted him dead.

He used to terrorize the other kids.

I thought he was a clinical sociopath.

Ireland: Well, gee, thanks Lem.

Lem: I tried.

Yeah. I tried and failed…

Ireland: *looks extremely overwhelmed*

PDM: Cassili wasn’t named after Casi.

Lem: GREAT!

Casi: No. I think they did name it after me.

PDM: We did.

Fine.

Casi: Yeah.

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME!

Alisha: *high fives her*

Casi: THIS MAH GIRL!!!

Alisha: We are not in a relationship.

Casi: Nah!

Come here, buttercup.

*she grabs Alisha*

Sarah: Why did Parfums De Marly create such an overtly heterosexual, super feminine fragrance for a lesbian?

Casi: I’m not a lesbian.

That’s the other Casi.

Sarah: You just grabbed Alisha. I heard you, because they’re channeling me.

Casi: Yeah! SO WHAT!?

Sarah: I have to assume Alisha is a woman!

Casi: She is.

Sarah: And you’re a woman too?

Casi: Yeah???

Sarah: Then how is that not homosexuality?

Casi: YOU WANT A REAL SHOW!?

I’LL SCREW ALISHA RIGHT HERE ON THIS BLOG!

Lacey: I can’t allow that. I’m sorry.

Casi: HOMOPHOBE!

Lacey: *smiles*

Casi: Nah.

I’m not gay.

Our relationship is just weird.

Sarah: I’m not feeling safe.

You’re creepy.

Casi: No.

I’m a wonderful person.

I inspired Cassili!

It’s described as, “Joyful, soft and lively.” THAT IS ME, in a nutshell.

Ryan: Okay.

So…do you actually screw Alisha?

PDM: This is Lacey’s fault!

She took the perfume community WAY too seriously.

Lem: But you named Cassili after Casi.

Ryan: Casi, do you actually sleep with Alisha?

Casi: *looks nervous*

Alisha: *also looks nervous*

Ryan: *laughs*

WOOO!!!

SHOW ME SOME ACTION!!

Casi: *laughs*

I’m not like that.

I’m really not!

I open, “…with a delightful burst of peach, unveiling vibrant accents of plum and mimosa, and settling into a comforting trail of creamy sandalwood and vanilla. Joyful, soft and lively.”

That ain’t no fag.

Alisha: Actually, I could wear that too.

Ryan: Are you both married to men?

Casi: No.

We’re-

The CIA: We suspect they married each other in Mexico. It was a ceremony conducted by a Santa Muerte…priestess.

Casi: What!?

Alisha: I love it.

Casi: No.

We don’t.

Alisha: We married.

*she laughs*

We married in our dreams…

Casi: Nah.

We like men.

Gotta have a dick…to get me.

Alisha: ME TOO!

Casi: She just is here a lot.

Alisha: *nods*

The CIA: You two live together?

Alisha: We live in the same vicinity.

Casi: We share a kitchen.

*the two women nod*

The CIA: And it’s a one room house?

Casi: We share.

She’s my homie.

Alisha: But we ain’t gay!

We don’t do that none.

Glenn: Who were these women?

Alisha: I ain’t talk to you none.

You’re black.

Glenn: *silent thinking*

Casi: She’s racist.

I put up with it.

*awkward moment*

Casi: We ain’t in love.

She’s just my partner.

Alisha: Yeah.

We sell Avon together.

Casi: But…you don’t have to be mean.

PDM: We saw her.

And we assumed she was being bullied by Lacey. Then she called herself Karrie.

She’s SO-

I can’t stand her!

Casi: Yup.

And I was too.

The CIA: It’s unclear if you almost talked to Lacey at all.

Casi: No!

I did!

I did!

She said, “Thank you. That’s very kind.

I love Chanel too!”

SUCH A BITTER BITCH!

…She was MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME.

Alisha: Yup! YUP!

And that’s when I said, “DAMN.” I said, “Damn, this woman…hates you.”

Casi: I was thinking…*she shakes her head in confusion*

I was like…*she shakes her head in confusion*

I was like…OH HELL NO!

*she stands-up*

OH HELL NO!

Alisha: OH HELL! OH HELL NO!

Casi: *shakes her head*

She got me thinking.

Alisha.

She got me wondering why I didn’t try to be a celebrity, like Karrie.

I only got me around 400 followers.

Some people say that is celebrity status.

*she laughs and tugs on her shirt, to straighten it out*

But…no! To me…it’s GOTTA BE OVER 3,000.

Alisha: *nods her head yes*

Casi: I just never tried none.

*cries*

Y’all…I have TALENT.

I SING.

Alisha: She tries to be on tv.

Casi: But it doesn’t matter.

*she cries*

PDM: We assumed this was Casi:

Casi: I admit it!

I stole that photo from Lacey.

She did call herself Karrie back then.

Alisha: So…we don’t mean no harm.

But…we just used that photo.

Casi: I look a lot like her!

PDM: We assumed Casi and Alisha were enceinte.

Casi: I told them we were best friends.

PDM: She also told us that she’d gained a lot of weight since she took that photo.

Casi: Yeah.

Alisha is my wife, in Mexico.

Huh. I must have told them that…

PDM: She did.

We wanted to celebrate their LOVE.

Alisha: But we ain’t married like that, none at all.

Y’all keep misinterpreting that.

Casi: She’s just sharing a kitchen with me.

PDM: Lacey…or Karrie…was very problematic when it came to Chanel.

We felt she was possessive.

So at PDM…we wanted to be a light in the darkness.

Casi: THEY OFFER ME A CAREER!

PDM: We offered to let her inspire us.

The CIA: Didn’t it bother you how she stole Lacey’s photo?

PDM: NO!

All is fair in love…and war…and FRAGRANCE.

Casi: They offered me a job.

I’m their model.

I am CASSILI.

That IS MY BODY.

The took the images…of my body…and were inspired by it…to make that bottle.

Alisha: She’s HOTT! H. O. T. T.

A white male Southern man: My wife is hotter.

Alisha: *looks offended*

PDM: We knew that was actually Lacey. Karrie. Whatever her name really is.

But oh well!

Lacey kept saying, “OH WELL!”

Ha! THEN I SAY: OH WELL!

Then I say, “OH BLOODY WELL!”

I say, “Chip chip cheerio!

Good day mate!

Hallo!”

Glen Campbell: Yup. She knows she’s fake.

That’s why she wrote that.

PDM: No, I said that.

Glenn: You aren’t stupid.

I think that’s what Glen is trying to say.

PDM: What did I say that was remotely stupid?

Casi: No.

They knew.

*she straightens out her shirt*

They knew I ain’t that woman.

PDM:

Casi: I’m their spokesMODEL.

Alisha: *nods*

Casi: I am pretty.

Some.

They took my actual phone photos. The ones I take on my phone.

I own an iPhone.

It’s brand new too!

I bought it for $499.00.

I’m BROKE.

I sent them my photos.

Alisha: From the waist up.

*she winks*

Casi: They said, “YOU SHALL BE OUR BEST HOPE.”

Alisha: She inspires them.

She does!

Casi: I guess I do.

I mean…Alisha been my rock.

PDM: I cried when I heard their story.

Casi: But we ain’t no faggots.

A reader: Umm…yeah…

Lacey: What exactly upsets you two about being called lesbians?

Casi: I just ain’t nothing like that!

You think I’m ugly!?

WE AIN’T UGLY WOMEN!!

We are, “Cassili opens with a delightful burst of peach, unveiling vibrant accents of plum and mimosa, and settling into a comforting trail of creamy sandalwood and vanilla. Joyful, soft and lively.”

PDM: We…assumed you knew…we celebrate your…truth.

Alisha: The truth is…we are…CASSILI.

Casi: We are. Both of us.

Like one flesh.

*people react awkwardly*

Like one peach.

One…delightful peach.

Alisha: With bursts of plum. And mimosa.

Settling into an uncomfortable trail of sandalwood and vanilla.

Casi: We-

Honey, it says comfortable.

Alisha: *she thinks*

I don’t like it.

Casi: That’s not fair to PDM.

They went out of their way to welcome us.

Alisha: I don’t like that.

Casi: I don’t like it!?

You love the smell of sandalwood.

Alisha: Okay?

But I ain’t never worn sandalwood.

Casi: And I don’t wear peaches.

We gotta be grateful.

Come on!

Alisha: I’m tired of talking to the Ouija.

PDM: I never contacted those people!

Glen Campbell: Yeah right!

PDM: No, I never contacted them.

Lacey: That’s what I’m hearing.

Imaginary Authors: Okay.

Why do you think Perfumes if the Dog…and I…attacked you?

Lacey: Are you saying that? Are you saying, Parfums De Marley?

Imaginary Authors: NO!

I love that house.

Now, what do you think of us?

Lacey: Of who!?

Imaginary Authors: …

What do you think of Imaginary Authors and Parfums De Marly?

Lacey: I liked Athalia and Bull’s Blood.

Imaginary Authors: Okay.

Listen to “Eyes Without A Face” by Billy Idol.

Imaginary Authors: That’s not what I meant.

You’re-

What do you think of us!?

Lacey: *thinks*

I’m lost.

What?

Imaginary Authors: Okay!

You’re channeling all this…information.

You’re probably reading it slightly.

What do YOU think?

Lacey: I think-

*thinks*

Umm…I liked Athalia? I liked Bull’s Blood.

Imaginary Authors: No!

Not about perfume! *they yell*

Lacey: *exhales*

*thinks*

What about you? I don’t know much about your business…

Imaginary Authors: NO!

Glenn: They mean about them as people.

Lacey: I don’t know them as people.

Glenn:

Imaginary Authors: No!!

NO!!!

NO!!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT US…AS A BRAND.

Lacey: *thinks*

I’d rather not say.

Glen Campbell: *laughs*

Lacey: Do you need me to tell you?

PDM: Yes!

Lacey: *thinks*

Okay…

*rolls her eyes*

*exhales*

I love the idea…sort of. I also find it frustrating. Like, why not just reference Ernest Hemingway?

Imaginary Authors: Okay…

Lacey: I actually really did enjoy Bulls Blood though.

Imaginary Authors: That’s not funny!

Lacey: *puzzled*

*then panicked*

What the hell!?

Glen: He’s saying you’re making a joke.

Lacey: AHHH…WHAT!? *she looks panicked*

Lem: She’s just being herself.

Lacey: ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH!? *she yells at Imaginary Authors*

Imaginary Authors: You cannot be this person!!

Lacey: What person?

Imaginary Authors: So that was your real response?

Lacey: *totally freaked-out*

Why wouldn’t it be?

Oh nevermind!

Okay…

No, that’s my real response…

Imaginary Authors: So you’re SUPER insecure and mad right now!?

Lacey: No. *she laughs*

Imaginary Authors: You’re coming on to me???

Lacey: *freaked-out again*

NO…

Imaginary Authors: You’re mad!!?

Lacey: I mean, it’s offensive that you can’t be more respectful to me. You are being extremely disrespectful.

But…other than that??? Why would I be angry?

Imaginary Authors: So you’re setting me up!!

Lacey: For what!?

Imaginary Authors: You’d be angry because you’re A LOSER!!

Lacey: I’m not a loser…

Imaginary Authors: How are you so serious!?

Lacey: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I mean, I can try to guess…but I can’t really tell what you mean.

Imaginary Authors: You remind me of Bill Gates.

Lacey: YEAH!

He’s cool.

Isn’t he?

Thank you.

I’m a woman. And I’m obviously feminine, but I see what you mean.

Bill Gates: We’re vastly different people. But you have a point.

PDM: I think Casi lives in her own imaginary world.

The CIA: Why did you passive aggressively attack Lacey?

PDM: We hate her.

The CIA: That’s extremely weird. You’ve never even met her.

PDM: She was famous.

Lem: WHO!?

PDM: Lacey.

Lem: HARDLY!

*he laughs*

You just randomly targeted a private individual who was being sadistically attacked, by other private individuals. That’s PROFOUNDLY idiotic, as a company.

YOU CANNOT DO THAT.

That’s HIGHLY illegal.

PDM: I thought she was famous.

Lem: I see.

But did she??

Did anyone else!?

PDM: I think she thought she was…in a way…

Lem: Not good enough.

Conspiracy to commit crimes against humanity is vastly different than mere libel.

Chanel: Yikes!

What a stupid idiot.

Thinking she mattered to them!

PDM: Except I just based my entire innocence on me thinking she was…

Chanel: Was what!?

I said MATTERED.

PDM: *winks*

Chanel: Of course…her humanity matters.

God: To who?

Chanel: SHUT-UP!

*awkward silence*

Chanel: I MATTER!

MY BRAND KICKS FUCKING ASS!!

BIG TIME!

PDM: I matter too.

The FBI: What does it mean to “matter”?

The IRS: *cracks-up laughing*

Chanel: She’s not famous!

PDM: Yup.

Chanel: I mean, come on!

PDM: So I definitely attacked a private individual. But she doesn’t matter.

*nods*

The FBI: *laughing* What does matter mean?

PDM: It means her oil…is OURS.

Cuba: *cracks-up laughing*

PDM: I’m just kidding!

*they try to laugh with Cuba*

Chanel: That’s it!!

I DECLARE WAR ON LACEY!

Alina Kabaeva: You’re a country?

Chanel: YAS QUEEN.

I AM INDIA!!!

*Lacey waits for a response from India*

India: No.

Lacey: No!? What’s “NO”?

India: Okay…

NO!!!

Lacey: Which means what??

India: I’m sorry.

It means…that that person makes no sense.

It’s a stupid insult to themselves. And their brand.

Lacey: Is Chanel an Indian brand now!?

India: Yes.

*they laugh*

High time!

Our people have secretly been genetically superior this whole time. To everyone else alive.

The CIA: Are you drunk?

India: Yes!

Why!?

The CIA: Do you understand what you just said?

Still drunk, India: I repeat, there is no war. There is no attack on Lacey.

We are not attacking her family.

Chanel can- *he laughs*

But yes, I do believe so…

The CIA: I do believe what?

India: Chanel is an Indian citizen.

The CIA: WHAT!?

India: Ahh…

What did I say?

*he checks*

*he thinks*

Okay.

Chanel is…for us.

Lacey: You said Chanel is an Indian brand.

India: No.

It’s French.

Lacey: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT??!

Chanel: *laughing*

India: Okay.

*laughs*

Chanel..is becoming…an Indian brand.

Lacey: Is that why they created Le Lion?

India: Yes.

Basically.

Lacey: Does the perfume community know that?

The perfume community: *awkward silence*

Lacey: Does the perfume community know about that!?

A non-white woman living in the UK: Okay! Finally! Let’s get something good!

I hate your tastes Lacey, even though I’m desperate to be you.

Lacey: So…it’s not what it once was.

Chanel: YES!

It changed after Karl died.

It belongs to India now. And Dubai!!

India: Fine!

Not Lacey’s choice. Not necessarily even my choice. Oh well!

Imaginary Authors: Were you trying to take over India?

PDM: Yeah…that’s what I was thinking.

Chanel: No.

PDM: I think India took over you.

The perfume collector from last night: Yay!

*she claps*

COOL!

*she laughs*

The CIA:

Lem: Wow!

You really are…you really are doing it.

Lacey: *laughs*

Lem: I love this!

You have a great sense of humor.

Do you like that your company is no longer French?

*after thinking*

Chanel: It’s fine!

India: *nods*

People should have realized something was up when they made Le Lion.

Lacey: Even Comete.

Dubai: YEAH.

Casi: I still can’t afford it.

Dubai: Hahaha!

Alisha: Chanel is expensive.

Dubai: But you bought Parfums De Marly!?

Alisha: I sold plasma! So did she!

Dubai: Then why not buy Chanel!?

Alisha: My Lady buys Chanel…LACEY BANKS…will KNOW.

Dubai: Know what?

Alisha: That she insulted us.

*later*

Another man in Dubai: Why wouldn’t you just BUY CHANEL!?

Alisha: You seen Nancy?! She owned ten Chanel bags. And a Birkin.

But Lacey Banks think she POOR.

*she rolls her eyes way back into her head and shakes her head in disbelief*

Another man in Dubai: So owning Parfums De Marly is your best chance to prove Lacey wrong?

Alisha: Yes.

Another man in Dubai: How rich do you think the other Casi is?

Alisha: That bitch!?

*she cracks-up laughing, loudly*

*shakes her head*

Another man in Dubai: How rich do you think she is?!?

Alisha: She gotta have a million.

*she says this very seriously, then licks her lips*

Another man in Dubai: How much!?

Alisha: So you heard that “wealth whispers”?

*she gives him the side-eye*

Another man in Dubai: Yes!!!

Alisha: She has such a GORGEOUS photo.

She must be a model.

Casi: I’m the better looking Casi.

My eyes are more…sophisticated.

But she does have a pretty face.

Alisha: SHE DOES!

Casi: I don’t like her. She’s not Christian.

*she looks off, thinking*

She’s probably a slut.

You know the type!

But…ain’t no way she been single her whole life.