A perfume community member: Honey…we were trying to make fun of you. …And make you feel insecure. …The way Sean Connery on SNL made fun of Alex Trebek.
Lacey: I know.
A perfume community member: *Thinks*
Did any of us give you the ick?
Lacey: *Thinks*
Yes.
A perfume community member: *Thinks*
You weren’t supposed to say that.
Lacey: It’s a very random, stupid question. What do you expect?
A perfume community member: What…do you think of whipped cream, orange blossom and sandalwood?
Lacey: *Thinks*
Sounds good.
A perfume community member: *Cackles*
AWESOME.
*Cackles some more.*
You’re such an idiot.
*Laugh*
Lacey: Why?
A perfume community member: PENHALIGON’S.
Lacey: What?
A perfume community member: SOLD YOU OUT!!!
*High fives someone.*
Lacey: *Thinks*
Not surprising.
Really.
A perfume community member: Then who’s on your side!?
Lacey: Oh! I’m not worried.
A perfume community member: WHY!?
*Freaks-out*
Lem: Why are you scared?
*He laughs*
A perfume community member: This shit is scary!
Lem: But you seemed so confident just a second ago.
A perfume community member: I’m SCARED.
Lacey: Why!?
Penhaligon’s: Actually, she’s right.
We can’t attack her. It’s completely psychotic. And totally unsafe.
And we’d be traitors.
…We can…try to insult her. But…-
A perfume community member: I’m-
I’m going to the police with this blog…
Or I’m going to copy it. And PUBLISH IT AS MY OWN!!!
*They clap their hands and giggle in glee*
God: Verbatim?
A perfume community member: YEAH!!!
God: So you’re going to claim to be her?
A perfume community member: Oh.
SHIT.
Then I’m going to find a news outlet to make some dough.
*They laugh*
God: It’s…fiction. Mostly. Not entirely. But mostly.
A perfume community member: I’m not happy!!!
Okay?
I’ve thought about it. And…I’m just not happy.
God: So…it’s our job to fix that?
A perfume community member: *Thinks*
You wanna know what I had for dinner? HOT POCKETS!
That’s all. Just…Hot Pockets.
Lacey: Are potatoes cheaper, still?
A perfume community member: Yes.
Lacey: How about…a baked potato…with tuna? Tuna mixed with mayo? Or…cheese?
A perfume community member: So you aren’t as…athletic as most women today?
*They smirk*
Lacey: Yup.
A perfume community member: Yup!!
You sound so stupid!
*He laughs*
Lacey: That didn’t sound stupid.
A perfume community member: Okay?
DAMMIT.
Lacey: Was The Baroness supposed to be me? Or…???
A perfume community member: I don’t know. Actually…I don’t know.
*They almost laugh*
But…I’m sure it was about you. SO sure.
Lacey: Yeah.
Except…sandalwood…used to be Casi’s thing.
And…baroness? Countess?
A perfume community member: But orange blossoms and chantilly are OBVIOUSLY you.
Lacey: Yes.
Oh…it’s mean. I just can’t figure out what the heck they’re saying.
A perfume community member: Are they…giving your soul to her? She desperately tries to copy you. …I mean, it’s so obvious.
Lacey: It doesn’t work.
So is the perfume an insult to themselves?
*She laughs*
Her maneuvers…are…futile. So it’s a perfume about futility?
A perfume community member: Why, didn’t it work?
Lacey: Did she sleep with either Elliott Roosevelt or Lem Billings?
A perfume community member: No.
I’m sure she didn’t.
Lacey: Did she…have a bootlegger dad from the 1920’s?
Or did she buy Houbigant Orangers En Fleurs?
A perfume community member: Not in any meaningful way.
Lacey: Then the only thing about it is…an empty threat.
Penhaligon’s: So…we didn’t know what those notes meant. To her personally. We just stupidly assumed they’d work.
Lacey: What was the insult supposed to be?
Penhaligon’s: That she got the better parts of you. And is using them entirely for her own amusement. Tee…heee…he.
Lacey: She’s still not me. It’s SO obvious.
She does copy me. Yes. But…you can tell. And her eyes will never be me. You can’t actually be someone else.
Penhaligon’s: But aren’t those the best parts of you?
Elliott: GROW-UP.
*He gets mad*
Look…we can’t tell if you’re doing this or not. Maybe it’s a coincidence.
A reader: So…Lacey is Scotia. If there’s reincarnation. But also Lady Loughborough?
Chill!!
But what exactly did you imagine WHIPPED CREAM meant!? ON A WOMAN’S BODY!?
Penhaligon’s: No. It’s-
Why must it be sexual?
Elliott: BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT HER!!
Or it’s NOT.
Penhaligon’s: Okay.
You win.
That’s a stupid note.
I Lacey: I love eating whipped cream. But…wearing it? That’s not for me. That’s for my husband.
Penhaligon’s: Fine. I lost.
We didn’t want to accept that men of the past…liked that-
What about orange blossom?
Tom Banks: So Casi steals her husband and father? Not possible.
You can theoretically steal a mate. But…you can’t steal a real father. That’s not a thing. Parental love doesn’t work that way.
And I am orange blossom. Actually, if there’s reincarnation…so is the Scottish James.
Dennis: Why are you all so obsessed with her?
Penhaligon’s: It’s possible we don’t know. It could be the Illuminati pulling the strings above us. They’ve been trying to make her look crazy and feel crazy for years. To no avail.
Because…she’s not actually crazy.
But…if that’s not the case…umm…-
Elliott: Well…
Penhaligon’s: We’re ignorant.
Casi (?): So I’m maneuvering to take over her soul!?
…I’m actually insulted.
Penhaligon’s: We assumed you’d be proud.
Casi (?): To be a menacing…worthless bitch?
Penhaligon’s: No.
To be a…cruel-
Casi (?): CRUEL!?
Okay. Why would I want to be her…if I’m interested in being seen as cruel!?
Penhaligon’s: AHH…what!?
You portray her as cruel.
Casi (?): YES.
…But…it’s not that simple.
I’m not-
I’m using her…facade…as my own. Rightfully. Because…it’s a facade.
Penhaligon’s: That makes no sense.
You can’t genuinely think that’s her. And then not?
Casi (?): Okay.
Well-
*She walks off and cries*
Angela C.: *Laughing*
Is this how you interpreted Lem?
The Illuminati: Yes.
To be honest, there’s even a crossover.
Angela C.: Okay…that’s bad news for you?
I don’t think you understand them. I’m sorry.
Casi (?): Wait.
Lacey thought this was possible?
Penhaligon’s: We didn’t ask her advice in a consensual manner. We snuck it in. In conversation.
Or they did. And I’m not really and truly Penhaligon’s.
But…regardless…we did hear from her that it was possible.
Casi (?): Huh.
So she worries you’re right when you say horrendous stuff about Lem?
Penhaligon’s: Yes.
Casi (?): *nodding*
How right are you in your analysis of me!?
I’m a very complicated person.
Yes, I may be being evil. But…I’m not necessarily…proud of that.
Penhaligon’s: You seem proud.
Casi (?): I’m not. Necessarily.
Penhaligon’s: Crud.
*Later*
Eric: Yes?
A reader: And Lem is Emperor Constantine and a cousin to thee Spencer family?
Eric: Yes.
A reader: And her husband is Saint Augustine!?
Eric: Yes.
A reader: And he’s also the Marquess of Bath!?
Lord Thynne.
Eric: Yes.
A reader: And her kids were both born in the 1800’s? To her. And her husband.
Eric: Yes.
A reader: And Casi…is Countess Virginia Oldoini?
Eric: One of them. Yes.
A reader: And Putin is Alexei Romanov?
Eric: Yes.
A reader: And Chris Hayes is Micheal Rockefeller?
A reader: NO!!
We believe that he’s a Jew reincarnated. Of both German and Polish descent. An American. Who lived in North Carolina.
We do think…Michael Rockefeller was the Earl of Westmorland. In the 1800’s. Married to Lady Rosslyn?
A reader: Who else?
Eric: Well…one of her neighbors was possibly an early American settler, in the South? Or somewhere in the Mid-Atlantic?
*Later*
Another hater: Lacey…you know…people really looked up to you. In the perfume community.
Lacey: I-
Huh.
Another hater: People actually wanted to imitate you. Not just to be you but…because they admired you. Like, actually admired you.
Did you know that?
Lacey: So it was something significant?
Another hater: Yes!!!
Lacey: No. I did not know that.
Another hater: Yeah.
That’s what I suspected.
*They cringe*
So…when you said “I’m old money…” it left people feeling…out in the cold. Because they had been genuinely admiring you.
Did you realize that?
Lacey: No!
There were actual who cared that much?
Another hater: Huh.
Yup.
…So…you were set-up? By assholes? Because they were trying to break you. They were…seriously searching for something to use to harm you?
Lacey: Maybe.
Huh.
No, I had no idea…people actually thought of me that way.
I had 6,500 followers…but…that’s not that many. I mean, it’s a lot. But…it’s not a crazy amount. It’s the equivalent of 10,000 today. Maybe 13,000.
Another hater: So you genuinely had no clue!?!
Lacey: It seems so.
Another hater: When you wrote that you were thinking…you were talking to…a bunch of idiots who were just obsessed with copying you?
Lacey: Yes!
To an insulting degree.
Another hater: And they never seemed to understand that you weren’t just them?
Lacey: YES!
It was deeply insulting to my intelligence. And…absolutely insulting to my family, in a way.
Another hater: No, I get it.
Dang.
So you really are the victim?
Lacey: Yes.
A hater: If the perfume companies are intentionally attacking you…why do you think they are?
Lacey: Because…they’re…fools. To be honest. Gullible, naive fools. Very gullible.
A hater: Random question. If it wasn’t for the lightening would you golf in the rain?
Lacey: Yes!
I love walking in the rain.
A hater: Did anyone ever know that? In the community?
Lacey: No! There are far too many pluviophiles in the community. I just decided to keep it to myself.
A hater: What notes combined with sandalwood would have actually been insulting?
Lacey: This is fun, believe it or not.
Umm…-
Apricot? Or even…some other fruit.
Maybe…almond???
And some…Nordic spice?
Another hater: Yeah.
Didn’t you love whipped cream and orange blossom???
Lacey: …Not that much.
I did love orange blossom. But…I love other notes too. Just as much. I think people might associate that with me though. That note.
Another hater: So…you’re going to be on edge…for a while? Worried you’re the “topic of conversation”. Because you actually have been. For how long?
Lacey: Oh. …Ten more years?
I can’t imagine they’ll still care in that amount of time.
I left. Time changes things. In ten years? I have a feeling I’ll be in the clear.
Another hater: You did nothing to deserve it. You’re a genuinely nice person.
Lacey: Well-
When I was younger…I would have encouraged my kids to be…optimistic. About a great many things. But…the world is much darker place now. …Some people go online and find community. And love. I did not! And…I KNOW…I cannot be alone in that. …It’s not just me. So…sadly, nowadays, it pays to be cautious.
And if someone in the perfume community reads that and feels guilty? GOOD! THANK GOD. *Eye-roll*
Another reader: Do you think any of your attackers will ever apologize?
Lacey: NO!
Absolutely not expecting that.
Another reader: Why do you think they were copying you?
Lacey: Hatred. Immaturity. Psychosis?
*Lacey laughs*
Another reader: No. People actually did admire you.
Lacey: That’s good.
Another reader: That’s-
Thanks for talking.
Lacey: Absolutely.
Another reader: Thanks.
*Later*
Yet another hater: So…you didn’t know that?
Wow.
No one has ever made that clear?
Lacey: No.
I mean…I felt…respected. Somewhat. I felt some camaraderie. …But that’s it.
Yet another hater: That’s not what people are told. When they hear about it.
But I believe you.
Crap.
So…does it make more sense now?
Lacey: Yes.
Except…why didn’t anyone talk to me? And why did people assume SO much!?
I can’t quite…believe it. But maybe.
Yet another hater: No!
That’s what- That’s part of what happened.
Lacey: I can’t quite believe it.
Yet another hater: Why?
Lacey: I NEVER assume people like me. I wait for evidence. And…I just can’t recall there being evidence that I was so…popular, in that way. But maybe?
I kinda feel like you’re just pulling my leg. But maybe.
Yet another hater: Crap.
