Eric: Lacey reads what she’s being texted or told and she also reads what she is saying out loud. She says everyone’s voice out loud, and her neighbors sometimes hear that and I think she sounds crazy for that reason. But no, actually she’s saying everyone’s “line”, so to speak, out loud. It’s to keep things straight in her head.
Real or parody?
Iran: We’re having a discussion about colonization today. But I think her neighbor heard us, but oh well. 
I’m just hoping that America can explain to me how Iran and Iraq Afghanistan are going to be colonized going forward. Because I’ve gotten them to admit that they were trying to colonize us. 
Lacey and I are laughing together because she understands what colonization actually is and I’m starting to think that America doesn’t actually get the concept. I’m starting to think that they came here. They “mission-accomplished-conquered” us. But now that they’re gone, and we’ve kind of just reverted back to who we are, at least in secret if not openly, that they’re still expecting us to be conquered and colonized and there’s a huge disconnect. 
You’re not here.
Washington: OK, but we did implement certain strategies to maintain what we created.
Iran: *nods*
But you’re gone.
Washington: You honestly expect us to stay there and do to you what the British did to people?
Iran: Sweetie, if you don’t do that, what is the point of coming here in the first place?
Washington: *Thinks*
OK, so we’re not looking for that kind of commitment. We’re trying to establish a new, progressive, Democratic way forward for the whole world, but we don’t want to make the same mistakes of the past. 
Iran: So your dad left your mom when you were in high school and you don’t wanna be like him? 
Washington: *Thinks*
Iran: Why did your dad do that because it sounds like you’re actually sort of repeating the same pattern just in your own way?
Washington: I’m not like my father. I would never start a family and then put them in that situation?
Iran: But what if I get pregnant, dear? Then what’s the difference?
Washington: I just thought we had something cool going on where you understood that I wasn’t colonizing you and you loved that for us and we were just spreading democracy and being chill?
Iran: You know my people have been suffering for a while and that’s very personal and I think we’ve been vulnerable and we’ve been open to new Western ideas for a while. I think we were ready for a change and we wanted to see what the world thought about everything instead of just listening to ourselves.
That being said, I’m not sure we even really want this relationship. I kind of think part of us just wants to sort of be on our own right now. 
Washington: *Gets very angry*
That’s not OK!!
This whole weird attitude that you suddenly have is just kind of strange. I think this whole conversation is off. I think this whole thing is off.
Iran: OK, but that’s where you need to figure out how to take care of yourself-
Washington: No, no!
Iran: I can’t keep helping you figure yourself out.
OK, so I’m gonna have to start focusing on myself and you’re gonna have to realize that this isn’t about you anymore. I’m sorry. But for me this isn’t about you anymore. It’s about me. 
Washington: *Cries*
Russia: They’ve been told off a lot lately, by a lot of British people, a lot of French people, a lot of Germans, a lot of Scandinavians.
They’ve been told to get out go home, go away, and that they’re just absolute rubbish. 
I think that’s hurt. I know it’s been very eye-opening to them and they’re realizing that you guys are really annoying.
Do you want to colonize the Middle East in a normal way or do you want to just keep being weird?
Washington: *Stares*
I have my own life too.
I was only over there for my own stupid reasons.
Part of it was for Israel who’s obviously a friend.
Russia: OK, but that was obviously not all that it was. I love how you always bring Israel into this like you have like no brain of your own and then some of you even go so far as to suggest that you don’t.
You were over there because you were trying to colonize them, but you’re too retarded to really know how to do it. Just be honest. 
Washington: I don’t feel comfortable colonizing.
Russia: *nods*
But you know no hold on man to man. If you’re not colonizing then what are you even doing? Just dicking around?
Washington: I am not comfortable with this conversation anymore. This is very personal to me. I’m just I’m not ready for this conversation right now. I’m sorry.
Russia: OK and that’s fine except you keep getting in trouble.
I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you right now if you hadn’t really made some big mistakes.
Washington: But I’m not ready for this conversation right now.
Russia: Yeah? Not everything runs on your timetable constantly.
Washington: *Looks scared, but is still trying to appear confident.*
Russia: Look… you get mad at me for invading Ukraine. You are so high and mighty about that. But I would like to know in reality what the hell it is you think you’ve been doing for the last 30 to 40 years?
Washington: MAN!
Russia: YEAH!
What the fuck do you have any idea how rough this world is and the shit that someone has to do to just survive? You are a pretentious, snobby brat.
And I’m not saying that I am Prince charming but I’m doing a lot better with Iran right now than you are. That scares your friends? Yeah, well try to get it through your head that if you wanna make it in this world, you have to have balls. 
I am not afraid to have a sit down dinner with Iran and be real about colonization. We’re taking it there. Cause I’m not afraid to be a man. 
Washington: OKAY?
I just hope that-I just hope that Iran is happy when they constantly have to put up with your shit? See, I would never do that to someone! I would never do that to someone.
Russia: And you know to be honest with you that makes sense in imaginary world where everything is simple and everyone gets along and it’s just all hearts and roses, constantly. Just butterflies and tulips and chocolate kisses.
But I live in the real world. I understand the dynamics of a male female relationship, of what it means to need protection, of what it means to be a man. 
And I’m not afraid of that reality.
Washington: Protection!?
*crack-up laughing*
Russia: *Laughs*
Yeah, I’ve had children. My balls work and I’m actually quite proud of that. Do yours? Did Iran need protection sweetheart, or are you just completely worthless?
Washington: *Fumes and cries*
I wanted to be their friend
Russia: *nods*
Well, I’m offering a hell of a lot more than just some stupid friendship.
Washington: OK well I hope you two are very happy together. I don’t need you anyway. I don’t need any of you. I don’t need either of you. I don’t need this shit. I have a life of my own and I thank you very much for wasting my time.
Russia: *Laughs*
What are you gonna do about all the little seamen that you have all over the place? They’re just scattered everywhere. I’m gonna clean them up or are you just gonna let them linger? 
Washington: Those are my seamen!
Russia: *Laughs*
Well, I suggest princess that you go collect them and bring them wherever you bring them after they’ve been deployed for no fucking reason.
Washington: *panics*
I have my reasons!
I have damn good reasons!!!
Russia: *Laughs*
Washington: Those are my seamen, don’t touch them!!
Russia: *Laughs*
You know, you should really take care better care of them, they’re not actually you. 
Washington: You are a hypocrite and a liar and snob and an arrogant asshole. 
Russia: *Laughs*
Get OUT!!
Washington: FUCK YOU, just FUCK YOU!
Donald Trump: Yeah.
My people are having a really hard time right now and we’re going through a lot. Just give us a couple of minutes. We came here to do something. We’re gonna do it. It’s gonna be fine. We’ve got this under control. I just feel like everyone needs to calm down-
Russia: *Rolls his eyes*
Iran: EWWW!
GET THEM OUT!!!
JUST GO HOME!!! JUST GO HOME, YANKEE!!
Washington: *Looks like it’s looking for something it’s lost.*
Just hang on.
The Netherlands: Did you lose something? Oh no!!!
Washington: Yeah!
Hang-on!
*Awkward, because it’s clear they’re just stalling.*
Donald Trump: *To Lacey*
This is a mess.
An average American citizen, this time female: What were we doing? *They say with concern.*
A male American: Are you kidding me!?
Where have we been the last fifty years!? It’s no wonder we’re so screwed-up…
Another man: *Just starts crying.*
*Between sniffles* Why didn’t we want to colonize? Huh?
Washington: BECAUSE IT’S STUPID!
Because it’s stupid. Come on. You understand!
Another man: *Freaks out*
I’m just feeling…really nervous.
Washington: NO MAN!
Don’t do this to me!!!
That doesn’t make any sense!!!!
Another man: Let’s just take some time to think about all of it. Okay?
Look around. Are we safe to walk?
Washington: Not really.
I’ve got Russia on my ass now.
Another man: SHIT!
Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner!?
Washington: *Cries*
Donald Trump: It’s fine.
We’re gonna be fine.
Washington: *Calms down slightly*
Another man: DUDE! He’s using us!!!
Washington: DO I EVEN CARE RIGHT NOW?
*Marches off, in tears*
I’m not colonizing!!!
Another man: Cool.
But…why don’t we want to?
Washington: *Thinks*
Because it’s wrong. I don’t want that!
*Panic cries in private*
Another man: Okay.
Maybe we shouldn’t have gone to Iraq?
Washington: *Collapses on the floor, into a sitting position.*
But if we didn’t go to Iraq…-
We needed to.
Another man: Why?
Washington: Well…because…-
None of the other guys would take us seriously anymore.
Another man: Yeah!
Washington: But who cares about them? Right?
Another man: Were they threatening us?
Washington: AHH…YEAH!
There’s always that…hint of a threat.
Another man: Lacey’s helping us?
Washington: DUH!
Another man: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
Washington: *Laughs*
Ahh…-
YOU KNOW!? Right?
Another man: *Laughing and shaking his head no.*
Not really!!!
Washington: Do we have a huge disconnect between…this part of “me”…and you?
Another man: *Vomits*
Washington: I’m going to take that as a yes.
Another man: *Vomits again.*
Nefertiti: You need to talk. You need to talk to each other, or you’re doomed.
Another woman: Is Lacey writing this?
Lacey: Yes.
Another woman: Why are you being silent?
Lacey: I’m riveted.
Another woman: Okay.
Why-
So you all expected us to colonize!?
Turkey: YES!
Yet another man: We can’t.
Turkey: It’s not morally offensive. It’s just life.
Yet another man: Not to us!
Zimbabwe: It is morally offensive.
But…a man is a man.
Both are true.
Yet another man: *Looks shocked*
Turkey: Better colonize than harm children?
Yet another man: *Looks stunned*
Turkey: See…you have only so many obvious choices.
*He shrugs*
Native American: Did we…confuse you?
Our land is very fertile. And I think for the first 200 years or so you were just the rich kids.
You had all of those blessings. And I don’t think you realized that that wasn’t safe to count on forever?
Yet another man: What?
Native American: Yeah.
I mean, we could’ve invaded the whole world. But we chose to stay here and mind our own business and just keep to ourselves and let the land sort of, take care of us. 
Because then that meant that this huge country would never become overpopulated, and we would maintain a certain level of wealth. Like real wealth. We didn’t have mansions, but we actually lived pretty well.
And that’s how we handled North America for a long time.
You could theoretically take all of the natural resources of this country and use them to branch out. But I think we always sort of knew because we’re native that there was something about that that was sort of dangerous long-term.
And yet ANOTHER man in the U.S.: Why is it dangerous? 
Native American: Because the land can get exhausted. I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to explain to you, but America is actually a very haunted place. 
And that’s very hard to explain given your religion.
A Christian: Please try.
Native American: *Takes a deep breath.*
Don’t let it scare you, but the land itself can go into revolt. In Europe, the land was far more subservient. But whatever happened in the US with all of the mountain ranges and the desert and the forest? It’s a very different landmass than Europe. 
So in Europe, there were a lot of holy wars. Because, according to you, God, turned the Earth over to Satan. So in Europe, given the nature of evil there, there were many religious wars. 
Here in the US because it’s a much more course and varied land with a different sun, different rain? The land itself can start killing you. 
A Christian: You know it is different in Europe. The air feels different, mountains feel different. They feel more gentle.
Native American: Right.
Whereas here in North America, the land is actually both more prosperous and more demonic.
A Christian: What!?
What do you mean it’s more demonic?
Native American: *Laughs*
Well, let me try to think, just a second.
*They think*
So have you ever been to Colorado?
A Christian: Yes?
Native American: Okay.
Did you ever ascend up Pike’s Peak? 
A Christian: Yes.
Native American: Did you feel sick?
A Christian: Yes!
Native American: When you felt sick, was it a jarring experience or not?
A Christian: Yeah?
Native American: Okay. In Switzerland and Germany and Austria, you can get altitude sickness, but I would be willing to bet that it actually isn’t as scary in the same way.
A Christian: *Thinks*
Native American: Think about all of the deadly earthquakes in the US? That doesn’t happen everywhere. I don’t think there is a Death Valley in Europe?  All of the people who have died in hurricanes and tornadoes, in the cold, and on the beaches? 
This country can be a very deadly place given the nature of the land itself. We don’t have a lot of creatures here like in Australia. Or parts of South America or Africa. And so it seems really safe. But the land itself is actually very dangerous. That is true.
My people understood that. And we were in a spiritual communion with the land. And so out of fear we didn’t leave. Because we decided to try to harvest crops and mind our own business, instead of risking the anger of the land.
Europe was able to colonize. And our people would’ve said it was because the land itself didn’t revolt. It just kept providing home shelter, food? Whereas here, whether you realize it or not, the land itself scares you. 
So you go to the Middle East and you fight or you go to Vietnam and you fight and then you come home and you’re terrified. Because it’s not actually as safe as you remembered. All of the wide open spaces? Even the way the cities are designed? It feels creepy. I think a lot of Vietnam veterans went to Vietnam and were expecting in a sense to go back home to Europe and then instead they came back to some suburb; some square ranch house with a big living room? And I believe that it drove them insane. 
What is America? What am I? Those are the questions they keep asking themselves.
It’s not a cozy, quiet little town in Austria. 
It’s big, it’s fertile. It’s beautiful, but it’s very scary. 
Lacey is suggesting that a lot of Vietnam vets adjusted by going hunting. Because somehow being in the woods feels comforting, I don’t know if it seems like Europe or if it seems just less upsetting somehow, but I think that the people who adjusted best after Vietnam tended to get in touch with nature.
I’m sorry, it’s a fallen world. 
So I think, given your history of being the peasants in Europe, in most cases, and seeing the downside of colonization… combined with the nature of the land itself… you have a problem that maybe solvable but you’re going to have to deal- You don’t want to colonize? Fine. We understand that. But you’re not native. So we don’t actually have those problems with white people. So we completely understand how you don’t want to colonize. But your people do that and did that. So we can’t really rescue you. Because our ways of solving the problem don’t apply to you because we’re different people. I’m not sure we’ve ever really been honest about that.
In the 70s, it was very popular to think that Native Americans were these sage, insightful special magical beings. We have insight, but so do you. We obviously would believe that colonization is bad news. But that’s not what your people seem to do. So you don’t wanna colonize? Okay! But then you are going to have to work out within yourselves what it is that you really want. Or I have a feeling that Mother Nature and other people will just decide for you. 
Truthfully, speaking, I don’t think it’s gonna be easy to wipe America off the face of the Earth. Our people were tortured but we still exist. I don’t think it’s likely that any invading country would be able to completely obliterate what’s here at this point. What’s more likely is that we would be thrown back technologically about 200 years. And I mean no antibiotics, no heart medication.  People will be dying left and right.  Some will survive.  And those who die will probably die in some sort of bed of a fever, or they will die in transit of a fever.  What I mean by that is that they will die of some untreatable disease with a very high fever. 
So that would be Mother Nature depopulating, and recovering. And that will be extremely traumatic, but I think we have sort of started to get into that already. 
Who knows that? Putin.
He may come rescue us and turn us into Russia, but he may also just let us be. He’s a very shrewd man. He knows that we are better staying here dying of parasites and measles and becoming weaker than if he were to invade us. At least so far.
You haven’t noticed that? We’re dying of diseases at an alarming rate. And this isn’t a Third World country the way that some places are. Isn’t that a little suspicious? This man is experienced at actual war.
*She laughs*
You’re eating crap because your leaders don’t know how to run the country. But you’re also eating crap because he’s got them in a chokehold.
I think Bobby thought that we could do a lot better without food coloring. And that’s not totally crazy.  Sure! But that’s not our primary concern at the moment. Our primary concern really should be food safety, and figuring out how we exercise our strength to silence our enemies, without compromising our current beliefs. 
You invented this country. I did not. I had nothing to do with it and that way at all. Do you understand that?
Washington: Not entirely.
Native American: I can sense that because I think you’re taking what I’m saying as your own thoughts. But this is not yours.
What you need to do is figure this out for yourself or you’re going to have no country within 40 years.
The same people who brought you 40 year old virgin, brought you no country for old men. I worry that we will have no country. Because you wanna brag and act like you’re as bad ass Putin. But you’re not. And that’s your identity. So it’s like what I said: you have to figure out how to be peace loving hippies who threaten people. I can come up with ways that would actually be possible, but I’m not the one running the country.
You’re going to have to figure out how to be America on the world stage…with no interest in colonizing the world.
Lacey: This has bothered me since college.
I almost want to say that what America is doing is psychologically illegal. 
Washington: Why?
Lacey: Because you really are the jerk who just doesn’t want to commit.
Washington: Whatever.
Lacey: No! You guys never seem to get it. Jack was not a heterosexual.
Lem was.  And Lem was very confused, but he actually exhibited heterosexual male traits, psychologically. 
Jack did not.
This country seems like a bisexual male mess. It’s closeted, but not. It wants a strong man like Donald Trump to come rescue it, take it on a vacation, go tanning on the beach, get drunk and just forget everything. How many people want JD Vance and Donald Trump and any number of other rich Republican men to be their sugar daddy? Even if they’re straight. And no, I’m not talking about a committed relationship. I’m talking about a fling that you assume that you can just end whenever you want? You don’t marry a sugar daddy.
And I think a lot of conservative Republican Christians have been thinking that the whole time. But they’re not really married to Donald Trump and his nonsense. He’s just the sugar daddy that’s gonna get them out of a jam.
And it’s not the same thing as Hitler because Donald Trump is not Hitler. Donald Trump has gold plated everything, he talks big, he wears suits that are really nice. He is very grand. His wife looks like $1 million every time she shows. He’s the Donald. I really think America was looking for a really loving, entertaining, understanding sugar daddy. 
And you know what let’s be real: that’s sad. Let’s try to have a little empathy for each other.
I think Republicans because they voted for George Bush Junior, because they’re so into war, understood intuitively what was happening before the Democrats did.  And I think they just totally flipped-out and started thinking creatively. 
What would’ve happened if we hadn’t elected him? We would actually be in worse shape. It might not be obvious to people, but we actually would be. The Democrats really are not in a good place right now. And while Donald Trump is more confrontational and gets us into a war and Iran, he’s doing it in a way that isn’t as scary because he’s the sugar daddy.
So with the Democrats, we might have ended up in a war in a way that would be so much more real and so much more official and a heck of a lot scarier. Because it would’ve happened slowly and diplomatically and officially. And I think that’s where maybe the Republicans aren’t totally out to lunch because they thought, “Well if we’re going to have a problem I’d rather do it in a way that’s dramatic and crazy…” and, you know, just less scary?
There was a bridge collapse in Minnesota. And we’ve sort of forgotten about it, but that was not an anomaly. There are a lot of bridges and a lot of water systems and a lot of other things like in Flint, that are in terrible shape in this country. We have overspent for a very long time we got rid of all of our manufacturing in the mid 20th century. And we are in massive debt. And so it’s not just like we go to war to make money, sometimes we go to war because we are vulnerable and other countries have an instinct to attack because we look vulnerable. I don’t think the Boomers ever quite figure that out. There is a military industrial complex, but it’s not just a bunch of crazy people who run around like chickens with their heads cut off, because if it was, we would be dead.
There has to be some reason why that makes sense. So we go to war because we are trying to make money, but we’re also doing that because other countries really are actually threatening us. During Vietnam, we had to fight in Vietnam, partially because Europe and South America and Asia, outside of Vietnam, were suspicious of us. I really don’t know how American Presidents have been oblivious to this.
I think FDR understood. I think he knew that he had to sort of keep up appearances with the whole world or we were in trouble. But I’m not sure that even Ronald Reagan completely understood. For some reason I would say, and it is very harsh, that every President since FDR has had an astounding lack of awareness in this way.
I mean, it’s about clout. I mean, think about the Internet and the fact that it’s an international social platform. That’s what world leaders have been dealing with for a very long time. The issue of clout. I mean, the moon landing and all of that seems like the work of a group of influencers who were at war with each other. Who actually went there has anyone actually gone there? I don’t know. There were pictures, but were they doctored was it fake? It’s like the work of a bunch of influencers.
And that’s where I failed and succeeded myself. I was willing to go to war because I’m not an influencer and I am old money and I am from a very different time. In my head. But I don’t think that I thought it through and realized that people were really not interested in that. Because there has been American hegemony. We don’t have turf wars on the Internet, often. With shootings and stuff like that. And I wasn’t interested in that either, but I’m not really trying to be American and just be mindlessly competitive.
I think America has thought that it could replace war with just endless mindless competition. And you know there is something to be said for that. The problem is that it doesn’t really work long-term. Unless if you want to get rid of the human instinct to survive and be happy it doesn’t work long-term.
And that is where long-term social media may not be a thing. Because what are we even doing? Just endlessly competing with each other? That’s not satisfying, that’s not conducive to building anything, and people are getting sick of it.
So I think that Native American woman is right. America needs to realize that it has to figure out how to be itself or there’s going to be a major problem.
We can’t just be a closeted idiot who just wants to invade Iraq just because. Maybe we really don’t want to colonize. And other countries are gonna call us gay. Other countries are gonna think we’re stupid and weak. But we’ve got to figure it out!
The UN: I take it if you were a gay man you would never be in the closet?
Lacey: No, I couldn’t be. I don’t have that sort of control over myself and you’ve totally missed who I am. I am not Jack Kennedy reincarnated.
I am an actual ditz. And a lot of men today just don’t understand. No I am not a man. So if I was gay and man and I can’t be because that’s just not who I am but theoretically if I was, I would be so obviously gay and it would be sincere that even if I said I was straight, it would be very suspicious. 
Some people might think that that’s a weakness. But at least you have some sense of who I am. I don’t lie in that way, easily. 
The UN: So when you act British, you’re not just faking it?
Lacey: No. I don’t know what that is, but I’m not faking it in that way it actually that really should be obvious.
The UN: I don’t wanna hear your vulnerability. I don’t wanna hear Lacey, that you are a vulnerable human being. If I listen to that then I feel sorry for you and I feel like a jerk, so I ignore the fact that it sounds real.
Lacey: How the heck is me being vulnerable your problem?
The UN:
Lacey: I think it’s more that you don’t wanna be accountable for your own bullshit.
The UN: Maybe.
Lacey: Anyway.
Is America gonna actually do this or not?
The UN: Ummm-
If there is actually reincarnation, though Lacey, it doesn’t scare you apparently at all, which is interesting, but it really is upsetting.
*They laugh*
Lacey: If there’s reincarnation, you have to try to understand: I’m Scottish. I think of Sean Connery. And his sense of humor. I just don’t register that because I have plans or something. I don’t know?
The UN: Huh.
So when you were on SNL and you kept telling Alex Trebek horrible things about his mother, what was the point of that?
*They laugh with Lacey.*
Lacey: Alex knows that his mother is fine.
She’s completely unharmed. 
The UN: *nods*
But he’s saying terrible things.
Lacey: Yes. Because he thinks Alex is a smug, pretentious, evil self-serving jerk. 
Keen to Cross the Pond 