God: So…you feel physically aroused? In church. By Jesus?
Elon Musk: May, I say something?
God: Yes.
Elon Musk: Good.
I’ll be the first to say, I know Lem could have been sexually confused. I’ve been an adult long enough to understand. And I find it intellectually demoralizing and deplorable how people refuse to accept the truth.
He’s….very possibly straight. And very possibly always was.
And I see an obvious parallel with…this.
God: Yes.
You’re right.
He was heterosexual. I’m sorry. And he was secretly a miserable man.
Listen to “Piano Sonata No. 14 in C-Sharp Minor, Op. 27, No. 2 “Moonlight Sonata” by Beethoven, as performed by Wilhelm Backhaus.
Jim: Well, I’m not a Nazi. But…there were some fine Christian, German young men. Who unfortunately fought for Hitler.
Lacey…are you sure Lem is…that great? Surely, there must be some fighter pilots? In Germany?
Elliott Roosevelt: There were.
Are you aware that Tom Banks has claimed her as his daughter?
Jim: No.
Elliott: Well, that’s part of reality. And I’m not sure why you don’t see that…
It’s odd.
You knew him. Doesn’t she seem like him?
Jim: FUCK THAT.
Elliott: You can’t say that. Not in that way.
I’m sorry.
She is his daughter. And he loves her very much.
Do you?
Jim: *rolls his eyes*
Elliott: Jim, he does.
He loves her. She’s his daughter.
And yes, there are. But they aren’t me.
I’m…real. …So is Lem.
So were the Kennedys.
They haunted your daughter. Her entire childhood.
Jim: Why would they do that!??
Elliott: Because…Lem wasn’t gay.
And, after they died, they heard the truth about him.
And they simply couldn’t handle it.
*he shrugs*
Jim: Okay.
But why you?
Elliott: Because…I-
I was there.
I experienced….her world. The one she was supposed to be living in.
Please don’t be hurt by that.
Do you understand?
Jim: Did Becca love her? I always thought she did.
Eleanor Roosevelt: There’s time to answer that. But, not here. Not now.
Jim: *fumes*
Elliott: I’m not perfect. But…I understand her. Better than you think.
So does Lem. I’m sorry.
Caroline: I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t have fallen in love with me. If he was straight.
I mean, I know none of this is real anyway. But…-
Bobby: Because he wasn’t.
He was gay.
Lem- KIRK LEMOYNE BILLINGS…WAS GAY.
A man in America: Are you going to take him back to China? When you marry him?
After you die.
Bobby: *laughs*
YES.
Probably.
I don’t know…
Caroline: Ha.
He’ll probably turn out to be in love with me.
*she laughs, like she’s empathetically embarrassed for him*
Oh well, I guess.
Jonah: You were never that pretty.
Are you insane? Like your dad?
Caroline: My dumb daughter, Tatiana, would have said that. Before she died. Yes.
Everything was constantly about her. And it was…a bit much.
*she laughs*
No. I’m a very kind person.
Just like my dad was.
We’re….Irish. You know? Irish…Catholics.
Listen to “Hatikvah” as performed by the Lost Tribe Louisville.
A man: Caroline, are you…gay?
Caroline: I will never answer that.
Just like Lem.
Because he’s my father too. I look like him.
A man: So you’re in love with your father?
Bobby: No.
He’s more my dad.
A man: But you’re in love with him too?
Bobby: No.
Neither of us are.
A man: No.
You think you are.
You both do.
So…unless you think incest is cool…you’re both stupid as fuck.
1:22
God: They don’t think it through. Almost at all.
A man: Why was Jack anti-Semitic?
God: Because Joe was.
The song ends.
A man: And you knew that!?!
*he says to the Somalian kid*
The Somalian kid: Yes.
I read it.
A man: WHERE!??
The Somalian Kid: In…a library. I was bored. And I was waiting for my bus. …It was cold outside.
The song ends.
Listen to “The Twist” by Chubby Checker.
Lacey: Why does Lem look like Chubby Checker…if Lem is gay?
That’s strange.
And no, Caroline wasn’t…his…type. And no, Bobby…you know nothing happened.
Bobby: I’m GONNA KILL YOU!!!! *he screams, at Lacey, in his American accent*
HE IS MINE!!! YOU FUCKAH!!!! *he yells in his Chinese accent, actually*
WE BOUGHT HIM!!
HE WORK FOR MY FAMILY!!!!
YOU CANNOT EXIST!!!
*he laughs*
*he smiles*
I am Satan’s friend. See? *he says to his cronies*
Satan: No, he’s not.
But…I let him think that.
A reader: So nothing sexual happened between you and Lem? At all?
Bobby: No. Nothing.
He was just a pathetic loser.
Okay?
He want kids. And I was a kid, I guess.
So he think I love him. Like a son.
Dumbass.
Then he decide to kill me. Bring me too much heroin.
Okay. Fine.
I like heroin. I’m not hurt!
…He was our slave, regardless.
Mmkay!?
Another reader: Who did you buy him from?
Bobby: From Choate.
Another reader: They don’t sell their students.
Bobby: Well, there’s we bought him.
So, I don’t know.
*he sticks his nose up in the air, primly*
You find out! I’m getting old now. Okay?
Another reader: I don’t think it would matter anyway. To be honest.
Bobby: Okay.
Well…you don’t know the power of the Illuminati. And our evil.
We can do big time shit. Most impressive stuff.
Hey! You like the Matrix?
Another reader: Yes.
Bobby: We make that. To explain stuff to you.
Good, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
It was a good movie.
*he looks incredibly proud of himself, so he smiles*
