God: So…you think Jesus is secretly in love with you? Or you think he’s openly a bigamist?
Many Christians alive today: I just feel…flattered.
That’s all.
God: Why?
Many Christians alive today (in 2026): Because.
He’s…hot.
And I mean…he died for me.
THIS…DAMN SEXY MAN…DIED FOR ME.
On a CROSS.
Listen to “Jazz Suite No. 2” by Dmitry Shostakovich.
God: But he’s the Son of God?
Many Christians alive today: So what!?
He’s in love with us. We’re his bride. And…he wants a personal relationship.
LOOK AT HIM:
I’m not offended.
*they laugh*
He’s the Son of GOD. Of course he’s…wild.
2:30
God: Does he do drugs? Like the Kennedys?
Many Christians alive today: No!
*they laugh*
No.
But he does die! Young.
God: From what!?
Many Christians alive today: He was a rebel.
He’s the Son of God. And…frankly…he was just too rebellious. You know how the good bad boys are? They’re just…too much for society.
They die young.
God: And you’re going to marry him?
Many Christians alive today: Yes.
I have faith.
…Actually, I think he’s sad I’m not there yet. He must be crying. A lot.
God: Do you get to see him? When you die?
Many Christians alive today: Yes, yes I think so.
An angry Christian, who believes in “Bridal Intercession”: This isn’t what I believe.
God: Then please clarify!
An angry Christian, who believes in “Bridal Intercession”: I believe that…it is symbolic.
God: Then how does “Bridal Intercession” work?
An angry Christian, who believes in “Bridal Intercession”: You pray in tongues. And you…believe that…Jesus is…sexually longing….symbolically…for his bride.
God: Yes. So it’s not gross…because it’s symbolic?
An angry Christian, who believes in “Bridal Intercession”: Well…you’re the one who came up with the symbols!
God: It’s not meant to be taken as…a way to practice safe witchcraft, in the church.
You were supposed to think of the marriage symbolism…in terms of marriage. First of all. Which back then…didn’t necessarily mean hot sex. It did involve sex, legally. And…yes…there could be sex. But…those were very different times.
But…you’re taking the symbolism way too far, regardless. It was meant to be about one single facet of a whole concept. Not…the whole concept itself.
So…it’s like…Jesus dies. Yes?
An angry Christian, who believes in “Bridal Intercession”: Yes.
God: Yeah.
So you really want to marry him?
An angry Christian, who believes in “Bridal Intercession”: *thinks*
God: You’ve never met him…in that way. You have no idea what kind of sexual chemistry you have with him.
Are you sure this is a Godly idea? Me making you a mail-order bride?
An angry Christian, who believes in “Bridal Intercession”: Okay…?
Then how does this analogy work!? *they say, frustrated*
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