The men at the gas station: You still seem confused, Lacey.
Lacey: I’m not. I’m just worried people aren’t understanding.
The men at the gas station: No.
You’re right.
What’s the difference? Between…promiscuity and being…sick in your head and heart?
Listen to “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado, a little more quietly.
Lacey: Well, promiscuity isn’t a good thing. Let’s make that clear.
But it’s not the same thing as being actually sick. Being degenerate.
Promiscuity is…Timbaland being aroused by Nelly Furtado. …They stupidly have sex. And then it’s over. …And…they kinda have “feelings” for each other. Maybe they date. And…if they keep “hooking-up” for long enough, they get married, very likely.
*she laughs*
That’s dumb. But that’s promiscuity. And…yes, they’re having sex with like…ten other people. Both of them. But…they obviously really like each other.
*she laughs at them with Satan, but she’s not being mean, believe it or not*
Being sexually degenerate is…not giving A SHIT about the other person’s humanity. It’s not caring. For real. And taking pleasure in…dominating them…or outright harming them.
The song ends.
Satan: Listen to “Turn Off The Light” by Nelly Furtado.
A Gen. X white male reader, in America: Okay!
Hold-on!
…Here’s a question for the Illuminati. Okay?
The Illuminati: Okay.
The Gen. X man: What makes you think…Satan is impressed by our sex!?
Aren’t we a lower class of energy?
The song ends. For a moment. At 0:50.
Satan: Aww!!
No, I am. In a way. You’re right.
I do…look down on it…somewhat…-
The Gen. X man: See!!!
The Illuminati: *just looks awkward*
Lacey restarts the song. It plays on.
Bobby: *sings along to the song, like he’s the star*
The Gen. X man: Do you live your life by the moon, Bobby?
Bobby: *he’s too lost in song, singing into a hairbrush, to respond*
3:16
A Gen. X man: He’s a real scene stealer.
Huh?
The Illuminati: Yes.
A Gen. X man: Why do you keep giving him attention? I see it online, too.
The song ends.
The Illuminati: He demands it. And he claims he’s good for it. As a Kennedy.
He believes he’s been running the world, since childhood. So do Joe and Caroline.
Their…sense of themselves…doesn’t match with reality. But…we’re too…scared. And honestly…a lot of us fell for it. Especially Oprah.
A Gen. X man: You fell for it!?
The Illuminati: Oh! You think it’s real!?!
A Gen. X man: No.
But what do you mean?
The Illuminati: Well…-
*they roll their eyes*
That’s way too complicated to quickly explain, now. I’m sorry.
But…”we fell for it”. Okay?
A Gen. X man: I get it.
The song restarts.
The Illuminati: Yeah.
We met them. And…-
You get it.
A Gen. X man: Yes.
You met them. At…a country club. At 16. And Joan was an asshole who thought way too highly of her own beauty. And Ethel was a crap-face-ugly, smarmy bitch. But you kissed their asses. Because that’s what your parents told you to do.
The Illuminati: Yes.
And then Oprah, who was not there, was especially gullible. And she made them seem even more important. On her television show.
A Gen. X man: So…they’re not our royal family?
The Illuminati: No. But Oprah is a dumbass, in some ways. And she was too stupid to understand.
Actually, so is Tucker Carlson.
Do you understand the problem?
A Gen. X man: Yes.
We need them to matter.
But why?
The Illuminati: Because…we started to hate ourselves. By the 1990’s.
We have no…good history.
So played up Jazz. Ten years ago. …And shit like that. …And, we’ve played the 1940’s out. As we did the 1950’s, before that.
We’re desperate for traction. And they give results. You can only use 9/11 for sad reasons, mostly.
We used Dolly. Until Miley ruined it. Poor thing.
We have…jack shit, right now.
Okay?
And instead of fixing that problem. We…just used them.
A Gen. X man: What is the actual problem, then?
The Illuminati: *look incredibly sad*
We’re sad.
*they shrug*
The Boomers were never that happy. Not like their parents.
Their parents still seemed normal…but we’ve been collectively clinically depressed since the 1950’s.
What else? …It’s like what I said. We have…nothing.
We’re not an old country. We have no….history. Not…enough.
So…it’s like, “What are we even doing here?!”
The Kennedys seemed…to make people happy. For whatever reason.
All the men at the gas station: Because…they seemed redeemed.
They’re the worst of us. All those rapists. But they’re cute now.
See?
They made Modernity feel…illuminating. Like we didn’t need God. Because they were obviously evil. But…they also seemed…wholesome.
Satan: That’s just because they’re ignorant Irish peasants. They’re just backwards. Not…holy.
Did you think your poverty would save you?
America: I mean…maybe? …Wasn’t Jesus poor???
Satan: Yes.
He was.
God: But…I’m afraid you’re confused.
Being poor-
America: But you curse rich people!
God: Where!??
America: You said they were all going to Hell.
Or something…
God: No. I was pointing out that wealth is deceptive. And you can’t accumulate wealth without lasting peace. So…-
No, wealth can be very deceptive. It lets people feel like they don’t need God. Like they’re…already redeemed, without salvation.
I did not say that all rich people are going to Hell.
America: No. You did.
You said it was easier for a rich man to enter Heaven- No, you said it was easier for a camel…to go through the head of a needle…than for a rich man to enter Heaven.
God: I did. In a way.
The Bible is a translation.
And you’re interpreting it, as a lay person.
It’s not impossible. And…I died for them…just as much as ANY poor person. I don’t think you like the rest of what I say there. You separate it from the part where I criticize the rich, eloquently. …That’s LYING.
Matthew 19:26 says, “Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” (Matthew 19:26, NIV)
You’re LYING.
Your poverty will NEVER save you. And I don’t love you more, necessarily.
I care, about poverty. But I don’t care about the souls of poor people…more. I care about what they’ve been through. …I don’t let them into Heaven, easier, for no reason other than just being poor.
America: That’s stupid.
Fuck you.
*shakes its ass, twerking*
God: Why is that stupid?
America: Because.
I AM…AMERICA.
Lacey: Yikes.
God: What does that mean to you?
America: *looks confused*
I’m America.
Listen to “In God’s Hands” by Nelly Furtado.
God: What is “America”?
America: America…is…me.
*it smiles*
God: And what…are you?
America: *it laughs*
A country. Silly goose!
3:00
God: You think I’m in love with you? Endlessly?
America: Oh, honey! Yes.
*it laughs, cavalier, callous and stupid*
God: I’m not.
The song ends.
Listen to “Broken Strings” by Nelly Furtado.
God: I’m not your LOVER. …You heard that in church?
America: Probably.
Yeah.
*it smiles*
God: That’s not real. You never have sex with me. Or Jesus.
That’s symbolism.
It was all only symbolic.
The church as a bride thing…? That’s SYMBOLIC.
America: But, I feel something.
God: You do? Huh. What do you feel!??
America: I feel…sexy.
You make…me…feel…hot.
