Listen to “Damn Girl” by Justin Timberlake.
All of the men at the gas station: Okay.
So…you didn’t understand America.
That’s okay.
We’ll explain.
0:50
All of the men at the gas station: Do you hear how he’s singing about sex?
Casi: Yes.
All of the men at the gas station: That’s good sex.
But actually…it’s too good.
So…Justin Timberlake is an alcoholic, now. And who even knows if Britney Spears exists. Best case scenario, she’s in hiding. Worst case scenario, she’s being tortured to death.
2:38
“Ahh! But this is America!” you say. “I have right here!”
No. You don’t. …Well, okay. If you’re…lucky…or a Christian…you can fight for your rights. Like the Puritans did. But…we don’t respect human beings…perfectly, here.
Like, if you’re too sexy? BAD NEWS for you.
Bobby: Yes!
I know this one!
We have always suspected that this is why you kill us.
*he shakes his penis, proudly, to the sounds of Justin Timberlake*
I am SEXY. Too…DAMN SEXY.
LADIES!! I AM…AVAILABLE…FOR SEX! *he jokes, in his awkward Chinese accent, so it sounds like “Lay-dees. I mam avail-La belle…for SAX” or something like that… I can’t do these phonetic spellings the right way, necessarily, sorry.*
Listen to “Medley: Summer Love / Set the Mood” by Justin Timberlake.
All of the men at the gas station: In America…you sexually arouse me… I can do whatever I want to you.
In some way.
I can rape you. Or shoot you. If I like.
Or…if that’s too much of a problem for too many people…I will just keep you downtrodden. Or…I will try to abuse or use you.
Listen to “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart” by Wilco.
Lacey: This is a most peculiar…cultural…norm. Can you explain further?
All of the men at the gas station: Sure.
2:12
So…if you marry a man…he can strangle other men. But he can also rape you.
Does that explain everything?
Lacey: No.
Why…do you do this? At all.
All of the men at the gas station: Ahh.
So…as a Christian…you’re allowed to disagree.
Lacey: I’m still confused.
Can you explain more?
All of the men at the gas station: Well, it’s like this, we’re former peasants. America is a country of former white slaves. Now.
Maybe originally it was different. At the very beginning. But now…we’re all white trash.
The Kennedys became our royalty. And they were and are white trash.
So…we’re allowed to rape women.
Listen “Kamera” by Wilco.
Lacey: Huh.
I do disagree, as a Christian.
And I’m not white trash.
All of the men at the gas station: Well, okay. But…I was too sexually arousing. To some as executive. Years ago. And so…I’m not being psychologically dominated. Myself.
I can barely think straight.
*he looks…troubled*
2:07
Lacey: Well!
…Why did they do that…? Do you have any idea?
All of the men at the gas station: *think*
The song plays.
The song ends.
Listen to “War on War” by Wilco.
All of the men at the gas station: I think…before…we immigrated here…and made money…there were some people who were poor. But…culturally…America was…a result of Great Britain. And their Christianity.
Okay?
All of their flaws and all of their…strengths.
And…then…when we arrived…there was a problem.
Lacey: What was that?
All of the men at the gas station: Well, we didn’t have good sex. Because we were poor and we either were punished…or…we got someone pregnant. So…sex…was…precarious. For poor people. In the past. And…we adjusted.
But…when we came to America…we met the slutty Natives.
The song ends.
Listen to “Maneater” by Nelly Furtado.
All of the men at the gas station: The Natives…were sluts.
*they think*
They had sex…far more…joyfully. And…well…to us they seemed like sluts. All of them.
And…for us…it was…extremely overwhelming.
3:00
Satan: *laughs*
So what did you do!?
All of the men at the gas station: Well…those of us who read the Bible…survived. And those of us…who…went too far in our evil…often just died.
But…occasionally…a few, very evil…very cruel…people, who secretly wanted good sex…but couldn’t figure out how to have it…survived too. And they were bitter as HELL.
*One of them is forced to very embarrassingly shake his pale, wrinkled stuff. Satan whips his butt, with a leather whip, jokingly, mocking him. He cries, embarrassed. Satan and Lacey laugh at him.*
Lacey: Well, hot stuff! WHAT DID YOU DO!?
This horrible man: *snarls at her, at first, and then looks totally defeated and sad*
All of the men at the gas station: He raped beautiful, sexually attractive, sexually mature, sexually healthy, Native American women. And then slaughtered their families.
He was a terrible person.
But…he survived.
And…by the 1960’s…”his” father bought the U.S. Presidency. And “he” forced a good, white, kind heterosexual man…who had been molested…and got confused about his sexual orientation…to suck “his” stinky, Herpes infested dick. Or “he’d” threaten to kill his family.
He was a lot like Jack Kennedy. Do you understand?
Lacey: Yes. I do.
All of the men at the gas station: Good.
Okay.
So…men like JFK…came to America…by the late 1700’s. And…a few of them survived. And…these brutal rapists…took over the whole country. By the 1960’s.
They loved JFK. Because he was like them. He didn’t give a shit…about anyone but himself. And yet…he was terrible at sex.
Lem was straight. Jack barely understood sex. He called it being “tense” when he got hard. Not to be playful, but because he wanted to complain. Yes, literally complain. He felt…that his desire to fuck people…was…akin to needing to poop. And he felt he…had a right to take a shit. Whenever and wherever he wanted. …He had no real understanding of sex. He was a totally idiotic fool, in that regard.
But…he took over the whole United States. And now…everyone assumes “we always though this way”. But really, we’re just imitating our great leader and those like him.
No, he hated the Jews. Just like his father, who was in favor of Hitler running most of Europe, if he could somehow get rich.
And…so…that the story.
*they laugh, shrug*
The song ends.
Listen to “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado.
All the men at the gas station: He wasn’t promiscuous. Or was he?
Lacey: No. He was degenerate.
All the men at the gas station: What’s the difference?
Lacey: These people are actually ignorant fool peasants. But it’s a good song.
Very good song.
They’re trash, intellectually. Science is actually on my side. Believe it or not.
But they don’t know. And I’m not saying, they’re consistent trash, intellectually. But about sex? They’re…trash.
But they, the people singing this song, sound genuinely promiscuous. …Not degenerate.
Jack Kennedy was actually sick. …So are these sexually…troubled…white immigrants. Who raped Native Americans.
Satan: She’s actually right. *he laughs at America*
Lacey: Yeah.
It’s simple to spot the difference. If you know what you’re looking for.
A reader: Why did JP Kennedy…like Hitler?
God: He was a very rich fool.
The song ends.
