Anna: You can’t convince me that you don’t want me!
Lem: My wife doesn’t want you either.
*he laughs*
What makes you feel like we all do?
Anna: *thinks*
Because my husband still sins…and it’s with me.
Lem: *vomits, but catches himself*
Whenever I drink now-
*he laughs with Lacey*
Anna: No! He really does!
Lem: *laughs at her and shakes his head no*
GOD, I CANNOT HANDLE THIS! *he screams at God*
Anna: But I’m assuming Mark doesn’t find Lacey attractive? Right?
Lacey: *slightly drunk*
Did you sleep with Tim Walz in high school? Or did your husband??? Did one of you?
Because, psychologically, if this is really you…you’re like…maladjusted. You’re weirdly sexually confident. It’s a cover for sexual abuse…potentially.
Anna: *just stares*
Lacey: Did you!?
Oh! I’m sorry. Was it consensual?
Anna: *just stares*
Lacey: You are very, VERY loud.
Come on! Did you?
Anna: I’m GONNA KILL YOU.
Lacey: There’s an axe, in our house. You could lay me on my front doorstep. Just like Athalia Ponsell.
*she smirks*
Anna: NO!
We did not.
Lacey: Did he sleep with your brother-in-law? Or your dad?
Anna: No.
Lacey: *thinks*
Was his wife a bitch?
Anna: *cries*
Lacey: Well!? Was she!?
Anna: No. *her eyes look intense and filled with fire*
Lacey: What was your biggest complaint?
Anna: He was mean. *she says, triumphantly*
Lacey: *is stunned*
I’m disappointed.
Anna: What?
Lacey: COME ON!!!
BE INTERESTING!!! PLEASE!!!
Anna: No, he was really nice.
Lacey: GROSS!!
Why are you so…walled-up?
Are you snubbing me?
Anna: *cries*
It’s just that I’m better than you.
*she suddenly looks genuinely cocky*
Lacey: How? *she asks, sincerely*
Anna: I COULD PUT YOU AWAY!
Lacey: Not legally. And, actually, I’m not even sure if you could. At all.
How are you superior?
Anna: I’m not.
Lacey: Wait, what?
Which one is it?
Anna: I’m single.
Lacey: Wait, what?!?
*later*
Anna: I didn’t know…that Lacey knew what oral sex even was.
Elliott: *laughs at her*
Wait! Are you SERIOUS!?!
*later*
Anna: Yeah.
Lacey: I’m controlling myself, but that floors me. …Why do you hate me so DAMN MUCH!?
Anna: I feel…sexy, and glamorous around you, because I’m happy and you’re not. It makes me high as a kite. Because you’re better than me.
It’s like God loves me more…after all.
You were punished by GOD…for daring to be born better than me.
God: She didn’t do that to herself, Anna.
Anna: Yes. True.
But…that’s what I tell myself, because it makes me feel like I’m in a Merchant Ivory movie. Where I’m an aristocrat and you’re a poor peasant woman who’s in love with my husband who will never love her. Because…I give him SEX. And I’m a LADY, too.
Casi: That’s the movie I’m starring in too. *she says sincerely in her subconscious*
Anna: Oh REALLY?
I doubt that, but okay?
Casi: Oh, come on! You’ve heard of my film.
*she looks offended*
Anna: I have a plain face and a mannish butt and a flat chest. But…I’ve got it where it counts.
No! Not in my vagina.
I’ve got…skills.
Casi: So do I.
*she chews her gum, loudly*
So does Lacey, when she wants to.
Anna: But…I’m like a 13. On a scale of 0 to 10. When it comes to sex.
God: She’s a 6. In reality.
Her husband is 4.
Mark is an 8.
Lem is an 8.
Elliot is a 10.
Lacey is an 18. There’s a reason she could be Scotia.
Chris is a 5.
His wife is a 3.
Mark Zuckerberg is a 10.
Priscilla is a 10.
JFK was a 2.
Jackie Kennedy was 7.
Satan is a 1,000.
*Lacey laughs*
Bobby Kennedy Junior is a 5.
Bobby Kennedy Senior is a 4.
Joe Kennedy Junior was an 8.
Jeff Bezos is an 8.
His wife an 8.
Donald Trump Junior is an 8.
Tucker Carlson wishes to be included, and he is…a 12.
Vladimir Putin is a 10.
Tim Walz is a 7.
Pat Wilson is a 9.
Anna: So I’m not superior?
God: No.
You like that story. It’s cruel as Hell. Why?
Anna: No, that’s Lacey.
God: No, that’s you.
Anna: So she’s not like that at all!?
God: No.
Why do you like it?
*later*
Casi is 7, by the way. Marijolijn is a 4. Shaveydavy was 5.
Dimitry is 7.
Glen is 7.
Monika is a 7.
Glen: Wait, WHAT!?
A FOUR!??
God: *laughs at him*
*later*
Lacey: Are you guys just slow? *she asks sincerely*
Anna: A lot of people don’t know about oral sex.
Lacey: I sincerely hope I’m not actually talking to you.
Because, if that’s what you’re actually saying…you are SLOW. Like…SLOW.
Anna: I will KILL YOUR DAUGHTER.
*later*
Lacey: No, for real…that’s SO SLOW. It’s SO COMMON, nowadays.
A reader: Bobby…you’re going to totally destroy your family.
EVERYONE ALIVE…will KNOW Lem was straight. And that he refused sex with you.
You’ll make David Pitts and Louis Bayard look literally criminal.
I mean…-
Bobby: *gets nervous*
*a moment later*
Lacey: *laughing*
Anna…WHAT!? WHAT!!!!!??!
Anna: *almost genuinely cries*
Lacey: Did you ever sleep with a woman? Before your husband?
Anna: Yes.
Lacey: Surely you didn’t think you’d grown-up when you got married to your husband!?
Anna: Yes.
Lacey: Girl, no.
No, no, no. No. Oh my WORD, no.
YUCK.
Anna’s husband: But surely men offer stability.
Lacey: *laughs in his face*
Anna: You’re really straight?
Lacey: Yes.
Why- *she cracks-up laughing*
Why- *she cracks-up laughing*
Why did you think…being married to a man…was growing-up!?
Anna: OK OK-
My husband and I are in love like we are happy. I don’t feel like I settled.
Lacey: But why is it growing up?
Anna: Because. I have money.
Lacey: *laughs*
Anna: You think women don’t make enough money?
Lacey: Yes.
Anna: *thinks*
Then why are you laughing?
Lacey: *laughs*
Anna…how much could you make?
Anna: *thinks*
$50,000.00.
A single woman in her 40’s: I make $70,000 a year, and I’m bisexual and I’m one of Lacey’s friends and I come from a nice family.
Do you think that our joint income would be enough for you to live off of or are you kind of a screwed-up person? 
Anna: So, I would be married into an old money family, potentially, probably living somewhere in Pennsylvania or Maryland inheriting a $1.8 million mansion in Maryland next to a lake and you’re like a professor or a lawyer or something or a judge- Except, that can’t be quite right. You’re probably like a professor or an accountant and you probably went to Messiah and graduated from- *she shakes her head*
But would you have found me attractive?
This friend: Yes, I’ve looked at your picture, because I’ve been wondering who you are. Yeah…
I would have.
I mean, I still do.
What the hell is your problem?
Anna: So, we could be making like upwards of $200,000 a year and I could be old money?
This friend: *nods*
Anna: Excuse me.
*later*
Anna: *still feeling awkward*
A reader: I’m scared right now. You sincerely really were the people who introduced Tim Walz, at the DNC?
Anna: Yes.
A reader: That’s scary.
*later*
Lacey: You wouldn’t have called the police on my blog if you were married to a woman. How was marrying a man about growing-up because you cannot just mean the money, it can’t just be the moneys
Anna: He really provided me stability. It’s It’s. It’s like he stabilizes me and allows me to feel like I’m safe, and I don’t think I would feel as safe being married to another woman because I just don’t think I would feel safe.
Lacey: It’s also about feeling cruel and devilish or no?
Anna: Yes, it is slightly. It’s just I feel like I’m fat. I feel like I’m finally being upper class like I’m marrying for stability and money and I’m being appropriate, but we actually are in love but yeah it’s like I’m socially stabilizing myself by marrying a man, I could probably be in a better place, socially married to a woman if I’ve married the right one-
Lacey: You know the thing is if you were trying to fit in with people who I am able to fit in with who would find you annoying like real old money you would be so much better off married to a woman right now if you’re actually a bisexual like given your aesthetic and your personality, you would be so much better off married to woman if you’re trying to be accepted by people. You can’t fake you know bisexuality but if you’re actually bisexual or lesbian, obviously you would be better off being married to a woman if you’re trying to fit in with people
Who are like actually old money.
But being popular in Minnesota might be different. there are people here who are old money, but to be honest a lot of the people I know who were the most old money have died or left. There are still some people here, but there are significant number of people who have just died or left and yeah, so I wonder if the people who you would fit in with here who are not old money but more new money but have some generational wealth maybe I wonder if they would prefer you being married to a man?
Anna: Yes, actually they might.
Lacey: So Anne with the plan… you really actually are trying to be… a Lady of the Lakes!?
*she cracks-up laughing, hysterically*
Anna: Is that a reference to literature Lacey?
Lacey: Neither neither dither wither…kither…pither.
Oh, smite smote it.
Anna: *thinks*
Yes.
Lacey: Anna, let’s analyze your…position.
When you gallivant, as you do…upon the lakes with the houses next to them that are worth anywhere from a sum of $500,000 to $5,000,000. Do you consider your clothing style?
Anna: Yea- Yes.
Lacey: Well gosh, darn it!
What dress does one wear when you slither through thee…unseemly upper echelons…of Minnesota society?
Anna: I wear a clothes that are very casual and trending, at the same time. I tend to buy my clothes online and I discovered the stores that I shop in through my friend from college who was really interested in style. There are some things that I’ve purchased on my own though too at various different boutique stores in Minnesota.
I like to look like I just walked out of some- I like to look like I have a $5 million old money ski cabin near Lutsen. 
A hater of her: Neat.
Lacey: Shh! She’ll just take that as a compliment.
When you ski at Lutsen, do you think about how your family used to ski there over 100 years ago…or or do you just mosey on over there in your truck?
Anna: I drive a minivan and that’s the only car I own.
Lacey: Sweetheart, no. No, no, no, no no, no, no.
No.
No, you have a vehicle known as…thee minivan.
Anna: *thinks*
Lacey: So, when I see the minivan pull-up, I think: aha…they…are…here.
Because that is a vehicle known as, thee American minivan.
I’ve noticed your pants fit you really well in your butt. Your clothing drapes. It doesn’t get too tight anywhere. It’s just really thoughtful.
Interesting that you chose a shorter cut. Why did you do that?
Anna: *thinks*
Lacey: Do you wear boys shorts or bikini briefs or a thong?
Anna: I wear boxer briefs for women. Well- Yeah.
Lacey: Why did you focus so much on your butt?
Anna: Because I thought that was a really nice part of my body.
Lacey: You have a very high butt, but it’s not particularly pretty or sexy, in a traditional heterosexual way. You have a very plain body, but you seem very vain and unaware of that. Is that true?
Anna: I guess I don’t know?
Lacey: No, you do. Trust me. I actually look at other people. Do you look at other people or do you just live in imaginary land?
Anna: I don’t I don’t really think I’m honest with myself about that.
Lacey: I know.
You’re a disgusting person to talk to.
And so is your husband.
You make me wanna fucking puke. It’s like talking to vermin or cockroach talking to you. Did you know that. That I have to force myself to talk to you, because you’re gross to me on an emotional level, because you’re so fucking unaware of yourself.
Anna: No, because people always say, “Be nice to yourself. Everyone’s thinking the best of you anyway.”.
Lacey: you know they’re really not but most people act like fucking sheep and they just do whatever the fuck they’re told so they never tell you the truth and then overtime people like you get it in your fucking head that you’re really amazing and then you meet someone like me who is really humble because I was told to be humble and it goes right over your head that I’m being humble and then you pick apart my entire body and you go and say thinking that you’re fucking God compared to me sexually.
Honey, you repulsive to look at for me I’m not attracted to you at all. Your husband is mediocre. Your children are average. It was helpful for them developmentally to be playing with my children, but then you taught them to snub my children because you’re a dumbass and absolute fucking piece of shit when it comes to stuff like that but but but but hold on hold on people like you and I can’t stand them because they like you because you’re annoying as fuck it’s like eating celery for dessert
  so what is it you dumb bitch that makes everyone everyone wanna fucking lick your face like a dog? What do you do to people? Do you rape them and make them lose their brains and so they’re nice to you? What do you people do to each other, cause you seem like animals to me sometimes. 

