Author Archives: L.

Lacey’s family is complicated. The one she was raised in, that is.

Some people have a hard time understanding why she cares about Old Money. But the reason why is because she is real Old Money but the perfume community didn’t treat her like she was and it was actually genuinely offensive. They mostly still (not all) have yet to understand why she was so offended. She has her reasons though, and…they’re actually very good reasons.

Part of the reason why she was so upset…is because she was raised in a WEIRD Old Money family. …They are real Old Money…but they don’t associate with other Old Money people in any open sense. They’re very quiet about their wealth and their family’s past. And they always downplay their prestige and privilege, which is actually very genuinely Old Money but it’s also very isolating. …Many of them have struggled to find mates…not just Lacey…and are struggling…because they don’t know enough Old Money people who are like them.

A few of them have gone to really good schools like Harvard but often they don’t go anywhere other than North Dakota schools. They are very meek in the education choices that they make. Add the schools that they pick are decent schools and they do well but they don’t go to prestigious schools regularly. So that’s one way of meeting people who think like them that they don’t have. And they also do not join yacht clubs or country clubs. And there are people who could actually there are many people who could. They tend to do niche things and in a way, that’s more elite. Their activities in skiing and hiking and Lacey‘s interest in perfume are all very elite. as in they spend a lot of money, and they do the best of everything. Lacey doesn’t go to Perfume fairs or gatherings because she doesn’t like dealing with people who hate her, but they are not quite so scared of people because most of them haven’t been so bullied the way that she has by people in life and so many of them are very social in niche elite circles. But that’s not necessarily the best way to find people. And to be really honest with you, Lacey would be a very good hunter and it’s not unlikely that had she been at the right place at the right time she would’ve met Donald Trump Junior and he would’ve thought she was very attractive. But that isn’t typical. I mean…they do find people who are like that who are extraordinarily wealthy here and there. But they don’t go to the places where people in my family would go or went and they don’t meet people like me hardly ever. Actually I should correct myself they do in a sense but they don’t at the same time. So they isolate themselves and they find some people who they can associate with who are rare people, but they don’t get exposed to a lot of people like that. And it’s hard to find people who think like you when you isolate yourself from people who are like you.

Matthew had a very hard time, finding a wife who is well suited to him. So did his aunt. And actually quite a few of them have had a hard time finding people who are good, looking, intelligent well off people. But the reason why is because being old money and thinking like that, gives you a very different perspective on everything. And it’s sad in a way because everyone should have the insight that they have but they don’t and in a way it’s not sad because it’s just different. It’s not always better. And so the mannerisms that they understand amongst each other, and the way that they perceive the world is hard to find for them because they don’t have a lot of people to associate with. They’re very isolated people. They’re extraordinarily rich in a way that’s very rare with all of the oil, but they’re extremely isolated at the same. Coming from a prestigious silversmith background, and then getting all of that oil within 100 years is very rare. And they have a knighted author that they’re related to through Lacey and there are other prestigious people who they are associated with as well. And they’re a very elite old money, family. But they are very depressed and frustrated people because they don’t have the friends often or the spouse that they need to survive. And why Gunhild did things that way is interesting to me. I suspect that it’s Scandinavian and Christian. but it’s frustrating to me because I love Lacey and as much as I don’t want to be in a situation where she’s with somebody and I have to watch her be with someone as that would be miserable…I am tortured by her misery and it’s irritating to me and I also care about Matthew. If I was alive obviously she would be with nobody but me. But I am not alive. And and because we can communicate it is not likely if possible at all that she’ll be with anyone, but me, until she is dead. And then she’ll be with me in person so to speak. I don’t think people have processed what they’re reading. I think if there are people reading this blog, they read what I write and take it with a grain of salt and then try to get a psychic reading on Lacey instead of actually hearing what I’m saying.

And there are other people that like Matthew in her family, who are very good looking people, very smart, who are not happy. And it bothers me because I-I just care. And it’s not right. And that’s part of the reason why Lacey got so upset.

She already was upset, I’ll say, for very personal reasons about that particular issue in her life. And when people talked down to her in the perfume community, it was very triggering to her. Because the way that they did it was as if she was poor or stupid in a way that isn’t possible given her background. Oh, and it wasn’t just plain old insecurity and yet it was. It was insecurity, but people chose to believe the worst of her instead of letting themselves think that she might actually be superior to them, or someone who they admire.

This blog was aimed at an intellectual understanding of perfume. That was the original intent. And people respected that to some degree. But at the same time I think they misunderstood her sloppiness and thought that she was lazy when in reality, she was just morbidly depressed, and barely capable of doing what she was even doing. Lacey has literally been suicidal since she was about three years old. And her life has been a living hell in many ways, and in many ways, it hasn’t been compared to some peoples who are worse off and often dead by her age or happier. But for her life has been Hellish. And Matthew killed himself. 

Oh, and I don’t think they understood that this blog and her attempt to be happy, and positive was her being strong for herself. Most people don’t understand how much pain she’s actually always in. Jack’s pain was nothing physically compared to her emotional torture her entire life. And he was in pain, but her pain actually surpasses his and he could’ve almost died, but he had illnesses that created that and he wasn’t necessarily always in excruciating pain. My suffering, with my asthma was actually in some ways, worse than what he went through. And nobody barely ever cared at all. My family did. But a lot of the people who I surrounded myself with did not. And her pain is astounding. Very few three year olds in her generation were suicidal. But she was for completely sane, rational reasons. And no, she’s an astoundingly good mother. She really is. She is extremely cautious with her children to never raise her voice to never not raise her voice. She’s a perfectionist as a parent, and yet it’s totally natural and she is an excellent mother. But that is part of her misery that she gives and puts out a lot and yet there’s not a great support system for her. And that’s part of it makes me angry is that there are people who are like her and who were like Matthew but they don’t know those people because they’re so isolated.

Being married to Mark has been helpful for her. Because on his father side, at least there’s real wealth and prestige. And they’ve been very cruel to her over the years but he still was raised in wealth. And that is his mindset. And so they can relate to each other.

He lets her order room service in the morning for breakfast and it’s not a big deal to him. He understands her need to do gardening and be left alone. And he is intellectual and it’s not pretentious. It’s sincere. He’s a very unusually intelligent person. He’s actually a genius. And yet he’s also very athletic and he’s straight. And so he has a rare combination of traits that are actually more common in the upper class. I was the embodiment of that, but people don’t know that because I thought I was gay and I had very bad vision and asthma. I was capable without asthma, and with better vision of probably being incredibly useful the US military in World War II. And but with my asthma, and with my bad eyesight, yes as my sister said, it was very hard for me to do basic trading. What irritates me, though is that it sounds like I was too gay to be in the military. You know like I was gonna jump every man I ever met, and I could barely run. *I laugh* I mean really that is the way Lucretia makes it sound. But I was attracted to every single man, and I could barely keep myself in check that it was just so complicated for me to figure out how to do anything, because I was such a wimpy, unathletic little artistic homosexual. And that is not at all who I was. I was straight first of all and second of all I was very athletic, but it just wasn’t the way that some men are. and if I had been a little different in someway, you know if I had been a little bit less asthmatic and had better vision I probably would’ve been better at certain sports. Because I was very good at crew. And that actually was part of who I was. And I ruined that because I was trying to be gay and I was trying to be normal and I was trying to have a life in and I was scared of Jack Kennedy. But it’s frustrating to me because I could’ve done so much more.

Oh, and then I look at Matthew and I think why was he so unpopular with women? He he was a good person and that’s not what I’m talking about.  He was genuinely unpopular to some degree.  If he had dated women who were loose, he wouldn’t have been.  But he was having a hard time dating young women who were nice.  And it just reminds me of Lacey and reminds me of a lot of other people in that family.  They don’t have an easy time as I am focusing on in this blog post, hopefully enough finding people. 

And anyway, what irritates me is that people don’t understand how difficult her life is. And they don’t understand how strong she’s actually been her entire life. Because she’s so pretty and she has a good skin care routine and she eats fairly well and so you can’t tell. You can’t tell that she is suffering. I think some people can kind of tell, but not really. And what she needed was for people to have decency and intelligence, and how they related to her. It’s just a hobby. I don’t know why they became so obsessive about her because it doesn’t make sense.

She is irritatingly perfect. But she said she was sad on her block and for someone to be so into something like perfume or really any hobby to that degree when they say they’re sad you probably need to just leave them alone instead of picking at them. That’s just common sense. Yes, she was privileged and honestly, she was better socioeconomically than everyone in the community. But that’s not something to focus on. And I would think that if you saw her saying things like I am sad on her blog, you would have enough common sense to realize that even though she’s privileged, she’s probably genuinely sad.

But instead, Casi confronted her and said, how the hell could you be sad you’re so privileged. In her comment section, she literally said what the hell do you have to be so sad about not verbatim, but that’s essentially what she said. She had a lot to be sad about, but it was all very personal and obviously she didn’t want to share that with Casi or anyone else. And instead of being freaks about it, they should’ve realize that that wasn’t their place to go around assuming that she was full of shit. That’s a very weird thing to do!!! And I know what happened, but I have a very hard time talking to her about it because it’s so fucking weird! People like her can be sad. People who have money can actually be very sad sometimes. And it’s for real reasons. And you might not even be better than that they might be strong people and you might just not have anything better than them and you might just have to get over it. And you might just have to realize that actually they’re just sad. Why- And this is what irritates me as a human. Why didn’t that make Casi happy? Why didn’t that make any of those hateful people in that community happy!? They couldn’t stand Lacey they were very jealous of her. They were incredibly insecure and you’d think being so dark hearted that Casi would’ve enjoyed the fact that Lacey was miserable. You would think they’d find some sad comfort in the fact that this privilege woman who is so beautiful, and so smart and so pretty, and so feminine and so straight, and yet so down to earth, was miserable. But they didn’t! They found no dark comfort in the fact that she was genuinely suffering. And instead, I think those people tend to imagine that she’s not really suffering at all. They seem to think that her being cheerful is her being psychotic and bitchy and stupid when really, it’s her being incredibly upset and trying desperately to survive. There’s a difference between being in denial about how bad life is, and being two steps away from shooting yourself and she’s the latter not the former you dumbass.  she need to know great awakening people who sings that are misunderstanding, her righteousness indecency as a person, and thinking that nobody could be that much more moral and God than they are because they’re so fucking self righteous!  Where they just never gave a shit about anyone but themselves. Lacey is prettier than a lot of those people, and she is far better looking than Jack. And people like Jack feel sorry for themselves, because they think the world owed them physical superiority to everybody even naked. And when they take their clothes off and they look like shit, it’s hard for them to accept that about themselves.  and being narcissistic, they can’t just be meek and inferior to other people they have to find someway to make it so that it’s not interpersonal and inter-relational it’s them finding some secret way to feel superior, even though they’re really not.  They are not superior. 

No…Casi is not superior. And you know I wish they understood her misery because it’s it’s hard for me to believe that they’re that disgusting. At least not all of them. And it’s sad and it’s sick that they would enjoy her being miserable, but it would make sense. It would make sense if they could understand how awful she actually feels and enjoy it because that’s the kind of people that they are unfortunately. But it seems like they can’t process that or even remotely understand it. And maybe some of them wouldn’t enjoy it because they’re not that terrible but it kind of seems like they are and I don’t understand why they can’t just enjoy it.

I’m not saying that they should I’m not saying that that’s a good thing. What I’m saying is it that’s kind of the way that a narcissist works. And I don’t know why they couldn’t just feel superior because they were not so sad and just think I’m not that downtrodden. I’m not superior to her in other ways but boy is she sad compared to me and sadly just kind of enjoy that, and leave her alone. And it’s not a good thing, but she told you she was had on her blog. I don’t understand why people chose to question it instead of just understanding it, and thinking what I just said.

It seems to me like you people are off the rails, psychopathic. Like it’s not enough that she’s just miserable you needed to find some way to make her more miserable because it was fun to torture her?  And you realized that she was so positive because she was actually old money and the irritated you and you couldn’t just leave it alone.

Matthew was very stoic. Lacey is very stoic. You needed to just leave her alone, 

Right now, as we speak, she’s struggling so damn much. It is psychologically impossible for me to have been anything other than straight. But she has been so gaslit by people who don’t take her seriously enough so it’s very hard for her to except that she knows something that David Pitts couldn’t figure out. And also, she wouldn’t know if I hadn’t told her, and she forgets that. There are demons and dead people and living people who are not letting her process reality right now. And they’re all unfortunately either Kennedys or people who are bigoted or people who are in the LGBTQ community. there are a lot of bigoted people who think I’m a demon, or that there’s no way that I was straight and there’s no way that Jack was gay. And that’s absurd. There’s tons of evidence to suggest I was straight and some of it is actually irrefutable. there is evidence suggests that Jack was bisexual that is also irrefutable. But she is in a terrible place because she can’t accept not really that she knows something that other people can’t possibly know.

Because she’s actually an incredibly tender hearted, meek person. And she can’t believe that she is special enough or rare enough to know something that most people don’t know. She is not the narcissist. I’m sorry. but she does know some thing that people don’t know and that’s that I was straight. I wasn’t really gay at all. And if you can’t comprehend that or handle that concept, you’re not as intellectual as you think you are.

I did not relish, giving Jack massages that was Rip Horton misunderstanding me. I was not in possession of a dirty mind for Jack. We did not have make out sessions that were any good if we had any at all. I tried making out with him once or a few times and each and every time it was absolute shit. And maybe not to him, but in reality, and to me, it was. It’s interesting though, because I’ve had a very hard time kissing Lacey since we first started. He and Jack was very angry about it the first time we kissed. That was over three years ago, and it was me, and and it was not somebody else, and it was very passionate. But I wouldn’t say it was any better than probably a lot of what she’s experienced with other men the only difference would’ve been that I was in love with her, and she was in love with me. I I was never in love with Jack to that degree and if I had been, I probably would’ve killed myself, not followed him around like a puppy dog. When you love somebody that much and they discard you it screws you up very very badly. But it’s a rare sort of love. And I’m not better at kissing than most people. He was talking about oral sex when he said that, but he was also talking about a sort of idea that he had in his head about me that wasn’t reality. and the oral sex that I gave him was very mechanical I didn’t do rim jobs. I didn’t do any of that stuff that men do nowadays I was really just giving him oral sex. I didn’t have any desire for him, and I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t have any desire for him. So if I had been that go to the kisser, I would never been this happy at his wedding, as I was. And if I had desire for him to that degree, I would never have been that happy at his wedding. It’s not possible! So then you have to realize that that’s bullshit. If I had this dirty mind and really wanted sex with him again, I would’ve been sad at that wedding, and I wasn’t. And I would’ve been sad in a sexual and romantic way over him and I wasn’t. I wasn’t sad enough at his wedding! I could go on and on and on, but I’m not going to because Lacey needs to eat dinner. So what else should I add? Let’s see I was angry when I said that I would rather have been married. I was being sarcastic and trying to say that I would rather have been married.

Later.

“You know I actually get why he’s so confused. Because I don’t know why you guys could just let him be bisexual. That’s really weird! I mean really WEIRD.

Hey, I mean I’m sorry but I think people got hurt that he’s basically rejecting Jack. But I don’t think that they’re intelligent enough to just say that. She’s never going to figure out that that’s what’s bothering Bobby or anybody else in that family. And Jack is never going to tell them that. And I don’t think that Lem is able to tell her that he suspects that. I don’t think it’s likely that he was completely gay. because if you listen to what he said, he said, I could have married a woman and I don’t think he meant it in his closeted way. I think he was trying to say what he genuinely thought he was capable of. I myself am bisexual, and I experience a lot of hate. And women like Lacey who don’t care are amazing. And I don’t know why you’re choosing to be so negative towards the fact that she is straight and feminine and intelligent enough to understand what a bisexual is. I think she thinks that some women are bisexual when maybe they’re not but she’s better reading men than women. And I mean, can we get over that she likes men it’s if it’s of interest to her I don’t think that’s weird.

And I think you people are just trying to torture her but I don’t think you understand that it doesn’t really work.

She has had a sexual relationship with Vladimir Putin. And I don’t think it’s typical and I don’t think you understand. You’re talking to a very feminine ditzy woman when you talk to her.

She is not going to read your mind the way that a man would. I think Lem probably had to have been straight. Because I think someone like her who is ditzy, but very likely a supergenius could probably figure something like that out. Because it’s very complex emotionally and psychologically but she is that smart in that way. What she misunderstands our people’s intentions in other ways. I mean she understands the ego. She understands human psychology to like a genius level. But what she doesn’t understand or how people feel about her. . And that’s not stupidity that’s a lack of nurturing and love. So you’re never gonna get out of her what you want because she’s ditzy and she’s not been loved. Her dizziness, though is not stupidity. So it’s kind of like she can make a five course gourmet dinner, serve it perfectly and be dressed impeccably and said that set the atmosphere even in a way that’s exquisite and not everyone can do that. But what she doesn’t understand is that not everyone can do that. If she were to analyze someone, she would know that not everyone can do that. But in that moment, when she’s doing all this for people, she thinks everyone can do it to some degree probably. And that’s how she’s ditzy. So it’s sort of like this isn’t that special. I mean it’s special, but it’s not that special. But that’s not stupid. It’s really not. Really it’s ditzy. it since it’s almost cognitively, clumsy but clumsiness is different than stupidity.

She’s cognitively clumsy, but she’s a genius. So she is cognitively awkward. She’s not an elegant thinker. Like some people have an elegant mind, and so when they think things through, it’s in this very elegant sort of way. The way that she thinks is brilliant, but it’s awkward. And so she doesn’t she doesn’t finish college, but she ends up discovering the actual illuminati. She doesn’t finish college, but she manages to predict Vladimir Putin’s psychology better than most expert. I mean her understanding of foreign relations is hilariously genius. She’s brilliant to an extraordinary degree and yet she didn’t finish college. And so at times I’m sure her thinking frustrates other people but I don’t think it probably frustrates her because she is a genius. And she’s ditzy not stupid, so it’s very feminine, and very sort of silly and playful and feminine. And I am sure in the 1950s and I’m sure with Lem it’s probably really fun. him but nowadays, it’s not really socially acceptable to be that ditzy and be a woman unless if you’re extremely perfect looking and you don’t care if you’re being overtly sexual. I don’t think she likes being that openly sexual because I think she feels like there’s something way too personal about it with people who you don’t know. And so I think she chooses to be quiet about her sexuality which is heterosexual because she doesn’t want to be that open with people.

So I think if the Kennedys are mad that Lamb doesn’t love, Jack or never dead, they’ll have to tell her that if they ever want her to know that that’s what they’re actually feeling. And they don’t even have to say it in a way like they’re asking for her sympathy or like they even care because they don’t need her to understand that degree. They’re just trying to express themselves in a way where they can actually be understood. She’s very intelligent but no, she is clumsy.

So what if people are angry at her for some reason you’re going to have to just tell her what it is that’s bothering you. I have a feeling I know what it is and I think some people have come really close to just telling her but I don’t think they have the heart to admit that she could be that different than what they thought she was. Because if she is who she actually is then I am bisexual. I’m not gay. And Lem was straight and Harold Loeb might not have been an idiot. Maybe F Scott Fitzgerald wasn’t a narcissistic idiot. I think there are a lot of things connected to thinking that she is who she is. And I think it’s sad that people have chosen to attach all that to her just being herself.” says Logan.

“I just did not enjoy someone being so privileged. And then not caring how it would affect me.” says Casi.

“Why was I supposed to care?” says Lacey.

“This is an intellectual question case if you’re wondering.” says Matthew Perry.

“Because Lacey it hurts me!” says Casi.

“That is not right!” says Lacey. 

“She means intellectually!” says Matthew Perry.

“Do you see it as a boundary issue Lacey?” says a Canadian.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“OK but it’s still bothers me.” says Casi.

“And what am I supposed to do about that?” says Lacey.

“Is Mallory Keaton kind of like Lacey?” says a man.

“Lacey at her worst is like that like that character but she’s not narcissistic like Mallory but I think they think slightly similarly.” says an actress.

“OK but Lacey it’s irritating.” says Casi.

Lacey waits. “Oh nevermind I’m supposed to say something. …Yes it is irritating! But that’s not, but that’s not my problem.” says Lacey smiling.

“Was there a nicer way that you could do it?” says Casi.

Lacey thinks. “You know I was tired of being so nice. Because I think in the back of my mind, I don’t think people appreciate it and something about it just really irritated me.” says Lacey.

“So you you didn’t feel like you were appreciated when you used to be more careful about sharing your wealth?” says Casi.

“Yeah but I feel underappreciated in every way. And I am. And so I got sick of it and just decided to start being really brazen in people’s face because I just was too fucking sick of it.” says Lacey.

“What were you expecting them to do?” says Suzanne.

“Probably just leave me alone and give me a lot more respect because it seems like they respected people who were privileged. And praise. So acceptance praise and respect, but you know mostly probably for them to just back off. Stop bullying me, stop harassing me just leave me the fuck alone for once in my life if that’s how I should say it.

I have been bullied since I was a little girl starting with my parents. And I think I thought that if I was more brazen about stuff that people would catch on and I might get praise but I don’t think I was necessarily after that because I actually don’t like that much attention. I think I was more after just respect. I think I just wanted to be respected and I do get respect but I don’t mean that kind of respect I mean respect in a way where it’s like, I’m not beneath people and they don’t just expect me to be a doormat.” says Lacey.

“You sound a frightening them out like Mallory!” says Bobby.

“Well no shit, Sherlock!!!” yells a demon who works with the Kennedys.

“Lacey did I offend Bobby at the Cecil?” says Patti.

“I think if he’s not a demon that you did slightly, yes. I think he was expecting you guys to talk to him and actually have a real conversation just for a few minutes. But I understand that you need to be safe, but I think I think he was really putting himself out there to try to relate to you guys if he wasn’t a demon.” says Lacey.

“She’s right!” says Elisa.

“He was very neglected. That’s part of the reason why he started using drugs.” says a friend of his.

“When did he die?” asks Patti.

“If he’s not a demon, and a real person he died in the late 1960s of a drug overdose and on that floor that you were on. It was a really awful time in his life, and he lost his mind and just overdosed. He liked a sense of self in a way and a lot of self-esteem, which is why he acted the way that he did around people.” says God.

“That’s the one thing about ghost hunting shows that really irritates me is that you guys don’t realize that you’re talking to real people.” says Lacey.

“What was up with that room are at the upscale hotel in Los Angeles?” says a man.

“This is not the kind of respect that she needs to get. People know she’s smart. I asked her about Bobby because they don’t always wanna admit that she’s a person and not just a brain.” says Patti.

Chatter.

“But I mean they are strangers so I try to keep that in mind too.” says Patti.

“Fair!” says Lacey.

Later.

“I’m sorry. But I just can’t not…share anything.” says Lacey to Casi.

“Could you have just been nicer?!?” says Casi.

Lacey thinks. “What is nicer?”

“Mm. …Yeah. …Nicer is…

Just nicer.” says Casi.

“I think Lem was straight!” says a ghost in Lacey’s hallway.

“Why don’t you know what nicer is!?” says Casi.

“Because it’s not…simple. …I kind of get what you mean. …But that’s deep. …That’s deep emotional stuff for me. Because to be nicer I have to do a lot of emotional work. …And it requires me to analyze myself in places of my psychology that I’m not used to analyzing.

Because I was nice. …But you mean nicer in a particular way.” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Casi.

“Here’s the thing: WHO ARE YOU?” says Lacey. “Why…should I have to be kind…to that degree…to someone who’s not necessarily deserving of it? There’s kindness and then there’s going too far. …So who are you!?” says Lacey.

“It’s just hard to see your stuff.” says Casi.

“I wish I could understand what you mean.” says Lacey. “What do you mean?”

“You can’t be serious!??” says a perfume collector reading.

“No. She’s very serious.” says Lem.

“So…we don’t have a house.” says Casi to Lacey.

Lacey thinks. “You mean you’re homeless or you mean you’re living in an apartment?”

Casi laughs. “Apartment!” says Casi.

“Okay???” says Lacey.

“I’m poor!!!” Casi yells at Lacey.

Lacey just silently waits.

“Did we really never explain this!??” says Lacey’s uncle.

“Explain what?!” says Lacey.

“Casi is sad. …Because Casi-“ says Casi.

“You’re not explaining!!!” yells a British woman at Casi.

“Yeah. I’m…lost.” says Lacey.

“I guess I’m not that insightful.” says Casi.

“What the fuck are you expecting her to do!?” says Dr. Moritz.

“Okay…so…we’re just poor. …And…that’s who we are.” says Casi.

“No. That’s a part of who you are. …I mean WHO ARE YOU!?” says Lacey. “Why do I have to try so hard to be nice!?? …I’ve NEVER met anyone who’s given A SHIT about me to that degree. …I mean…only possibly my birth father? Maybe Lem? …Most people don’t give A SHIT about my feelings to that degree AT ALL! …AT…ALL. …And I’m a REALLY good person. To be blunt. And who THE FUCK are you…just because you’re POOR to expect me to care THAT MUCH!?” says Lacey.

“She’s right. …I’ve not even cared that much. …And I’m her soulmate.” says Louis. “Or was.”

“Very few people have ever cared that much about her.” says a dead Rosslyn.

“We can still kill her and her family. Just a reminder.” says Lord Rosslyn from the 1870’s.

“What exactly are you thinking we’re asking for!?” asks a perfume collector.

“Incredible consideration. For your feelings.” says Louis.

“What would you do!?” asks Casi of Lacey.

Lacey thinks. “Who are you!?”

“A nurse. Who has to work hard to pay for her perfume.” says another woman.

Lacey thinks. “How about this? …I realize that none of you give A SHIT about me AT ALL. …And I give up trying?” says Lacey.

“Love it!!” says F. Scott Fitzgerald, sincerely.

Lacey sighs. Lays backward. Closes her eyes. In 2015. At twilight on her terrazzo floors. Empty apartment.

“WOW! …People are…HATEFUL.” says Lacey to F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“They don’t care!” says Scott. “BEEN THERE.”

“Except I do.” says Lacey.

“But you’re kinda different. …You just didn’t know it.” says Scott.

“I’m sorry.” says Lacey. “I didn’t know I wasn’t like them. …Sorry!”

He laughs.

“Gosh. I’m just Harold’s soulmate. …Sorry.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. He was my friend.” says Scott. “You should care.”

“And I do.” says Lacey.

Louis arrives.

“Scott…why does it bother us so much!?” says Lacey.

“Because we’re wise. …And we understand the importance of being loved.” says Scott.

“THAT IS…SO YOU!” says Lacey. “You’re such a genius!”

“I am.” says Scott.

Silence.

“I have no idea how American democracy is supposed to work…if I can’t be angry online in some…stupid way…and have one person care.” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Scott.

“People analyze people all of the time! …I’ve seen it so often. …And all I wanted, possibly, was for just one person to analyze me. …And get it right. …But it was an entirely subconscious request. …Because I’m in excruciating pain. Constantly. …And I think I just wanted some…insight. Something.” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Hemingway.

“Is Scott okay?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says God.

“Anyway…you’re right!” says Scott.

“I’m still waiting.” says Lacey.

“What specifically do you mean?” asks the nurse of Lacey.

“I’m angry. …I’m a deeply angry person. But it’s…deep. …So…it’s not meant to be shown towards any one particular person. …And I’m angry for very real reasons. …Very…sad reasons. …So…in a way you’re supposed to know. And in a way you’re not.

What do I mean? Well…how about this? I photograph things very thoughtfully. …And I don’t try to express anything too personal. Personal! But not too personal. …So…my perfume reviews would just be…poetic. But without the…hidden rage. No…high pitched voice. Just…absolute sadness.” says Lacey.

“Would they be as beautiful?” asks Casi.

“Probably more.” says Lacey.

“Then what’s the point of not just doing that?” says Logan.

“It was a subconscious desire to be heard. As a human.” says Lacey.

“I completely understand.” says Scott.

“How subtle was this?!” says Logan.

“Very subtle.” says Casi.

“So she’s not pissy. She’s enraged.” says Logan.

“Indeed.” says Lacey.

“Try another response.” says Scott.

“Correct.” says Lacey.

“Try again!” says Scott.

Lacey thinks. “You have that figured out!”

“Nothing more friendly?” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“He’s correct. And I’m trying to be kind and give him that.” says Lacey.

She nods.

“So…I’m poor. …And…if you did that…I don’t think I’d care.” says Casi.

Lacey thinks.

“Why are you posting?” asks Greg Boyd.

“She’s already told you!!!” yells God.

“Casi…if I made it less…personal…you’d feel less bothered. Right?” says Lacey.

“WHAT!?!” says Casi.

“WHAT IN HELL IS SHE ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT!?” says Lacey.

“Do you just find her offensive because she’s straight and you’re an arrogant conceited bitch about your bisexuality?” says a French woman to Casi.

“Were you just offended by her because she is a combination of intelligence and beauty that you’re not used to seeing?” says Louis. 

“What exactly would you want her to do?” says Franny.

“I had a crush on her. And I imagined that the feelings were mutual when they obviously were definitely not. And I and I think it’s just hard when you have a crush on someone who’s so sad when they reject you because you can’t do anything. And then you start realizing that they’re rejecting you in a really real way and it just hurts and you start hating them.” says Casi.

“The thing is though Casi I don’t find women attractive so I am rejecting you in a way that’s sort of inconsequential.” says Lacey.

“Well what do men have that women don’t?” says Casi.

“They’re men, Casi!! What is so weird to you about me as a woman being straight!?!” says Lacey.

“Why don’t I like you?” says Casi.

“Oh no, I can be very helpful!” says Lacey. “Let’s see why would you not want to be with me? Oh this is fun! I have a wealth of information, which is sad but true. 

How much do you really like feminine women?” says Lacey.

“I mean I like them.” says Casi.

“Thst that doesn’t sound particularly exciting!” says Lacey.

“I mean I find them attractive but you’re right that’s not generally the women who I would’ve gone for.” says Casi.

“Yeah! I mean the way you described Misty she sounded sort of masculine?” says Lacey.

“Yes, she was.” says Casi.

“Well there you go. I’m an extraordinarily feminine woman naturally, so that would be one thing about me that I actually think would probably repel you. I don’t think that you know me as well as you think you do and I think there are many things about me that you might like but I would bet that there are great many things about me that you actually wouldn’t find attractive and that’s where you probably needed to be more careful, because I think you got crushes on people from a distance online and I bet they were somewhat based on reality, but not entirely. So no I’m not the person I think that you thought I was entirely at least because I am entirely straight, and I highly doubt that I am exactly who you thought I was. So there’s probably something about me that you just don’t know about that you just wouldn’t like and then there you go, all is well.” says Lacey. 

“OK but then that was personal to you Casi and basically you just got a crush on a straight person and assumed that they were bisexual. Which probably means that you don’t really know her the way that you thought you did. And that can happen even when you’re first getting to know somebody in person. 

I don’t think Lacey is a flirt, the way that you thought she was and I think that she’s not being taken the way that she means to be taken. I think people misunderstand her.

What does that have to do with wealth!?” says a man.

“Because I just hated her.” says Casi.

“You didn’t really know her though, so you developed a hatred for her based on assumptions that you made, and not based on reality.” says the man.

“Did you not want her to share any of her collection Casi?” says Dr. Moritz.

“ there’s nothing really all that offensive about the way that she shares stuff. And I don’t think you guys are being honest, and I think someone’s going to have to be at some point unfortunately for them. If there is an illuminati, Vladimir Putin, highly suspects that Chris Hayes was channeling, Michael Rockefellers residual energy. And he highly suspects that that’s where this all started. And he highly suspects based on his own attraction to Lacey that Michael would have found her incredibly attractive as well, and that had they had a chance to meet they may have fallen very quickly in love. He made an experiment recently with a hotel worker, who looked like Michael, who showed her to her room when she was checking in, and the man turned beat red, and couldn’t look her in the eye because he found her so attractive. He very strongly resembled Michael…and probably had a similar personality to him as well. And Vladimir Putin suspects that that is ample evidence to suggest based on psychology and genetics that Michael really would have gone after her.

And he strongly suspects that she sincerely thought that Chris Hayes was like Michael Rockefeller in a way that he would never be able to be…because he is in fact not Michael Rockefeller, but Chris Hayes.

What that means is that if there is no illuminati, most of the world has totally fouled everything up. And going after her the way that they did with the lack of maturity and common sense that they did so, was astounding.

And because of what’s happening in the world right now and the impact that her family has with their oil and the inability of the illuminati to just kill her entire family and be done with it or kill Bobby or kill Chris…we’re dealing with a very serious situation, because if there is an illuminati, she speaks to people telepathically. That’s how unusually brilliant she actually is.

Most people couldn’t cognitively understand what they were doing well enough without being trained to do it that easily, but she does it.

And so for the sake of a lot of people, somebody is going to have to eventually explain why they’re mad at her in a real way. It’s sad Casi that you misunderstood. It’s sad but you’re not being honest.

And someone needs to finally be honest, and explain why they’re really mad at her. I can guess but I don’t know.” says Russia.

“Look! Vlad! …I’m sorry if we’re not smart enough for you, buddy!” says Greg Boyd. He pauses oddly. “Is that how people talk to Lacey?”

“Yes.” says Russia.

Later.

“You just needed to leave Lacey alone. Simple.” say Lem.

“She’s tried. SO HARD. To figure it out. …Why can’t you just explain!?” says Dr. Moritz.

“Because! I have nothing else.” says Casi.

“Do you care that you’re ending the world!?” says a man.

“They would have hated you more.” says Scott.

“Hmm.” says Lacey. “What if I have more money?”

“Loathed you.” says Scott.

“A title?” says Lacey.

“HATED you.” he says.

“Dirt poor?” says Lacey.

“Liked you.” he says.

“WHY!?” says Lacey.

“Because you’d seem more approachable.” says God.

Lacey looks confused.

“You know you can all just go fuck yourselves and I mean that in the most Godly way possible!!!” she yells at most living adults.

I didn’t have a dirty mind. Not like Jack said. He had one. And he was bisexual and hiding it. He felt I read too much into things.

Lacey is beginning to realize that I was straight. Nothing makes any sense to her though, on a certain level. And she’s struggling to figure out why.

Adult content below.

How do I make love with Lacey? I physically manifest and we make love as much as I can. You know how witches claim to feel things when they’re channeling people? Like…if they’re channeling a drug addict who died they might feel itchy? And there’s no reason for them to feel itchy. Well…I touch her sexually. I’ve figured out a way to do that. With my whole body. …And no I’m not a demon. And yes, I am thee Kirk LeMoyne Billings. It’s not like being alive. Or her being dead with me. Yes, God allows ghosts to be together after they die. We can be together though. God has allowed it…in part because I was actually straight…and I spent my whole damn life trying to be a happily married gay man because my father died and I was molested and I genuinely mistakenly thought I was gay. *I laugh* I spent so many DECADES imitating gay men…thinking that someday I’d FINALLY figure out how to be happy in a relationship with a man. And then right before I died…I figured it out! …But I was too wasted to save myself…and there was nobody there. …Also though…Lacey is rather limited in her prospects. She’s really from my generation more than any other and we’re all almost dead from old age. She’s DOOMED. …And God is merciful. So…He’s allowed us to be together.

I also can posses her body. And we’ve made love both ways. Both through me manifesting and moving her body with mine and through just manifesting. It’s nothing like being alive. But it’s far better than being alone without her.

You know…I really wouldn’t have to keep saying I was straight. While I was alive. I could just insist she’s better than Jack Kennedy and that I love her more than I could ever live him. But…that’s a VERY difficult topic to discuss without deeply enraging people. Why? Because the Kennedys can’t handle it. And a lot of other people can’t either. …Casi and the perfume community can’t handle Lacey being Old Money either. People have this problem with Lacey. A LOT.

I really was straight though. …And it became an issue early on. …And I regret how I’ve handled it. Because it’s been excruciatingly painful for her…and that’s ABSURD. …People don’t take her REMOTELY seriously enough in the Illuminati if it exists. And that’s part of the reason why. People want her to be a very different person than who she is. And they’re ripping apart the entire world to prove she’s not who she is. …It’s ASTONISHING. That just one meek woman…could bother SO many narcissists so much.

I was not…at odds with her. When I shared my orientation with Lacey. …I was being attacked by Jack Kennedy…and Joe Kennedy…and Louis Hill Junior and to some small degree by Elliott Roosevelt. …Louis was in love with her. And…his second wife ruined it for them. And he was…not happy about it. So he started to be rather nasty about it all.

…Yes. Lacey is EXTREMELY sexy. She’s sexier than a lot of people. …And no…Jack was…not like that. …You know it’s impossible for me to have been so happy at his wedding. It’s completely impossible, even if we were just fuck buddies. Even if I was friends with Jackie. Even if I was on dates with them before they got married. You people don’t think things through like a writer and Lacey does and I’ve had to learn to do that to communicate with her. Harold Loeb is still in the picture and so is Elliott, because of how atrocious you all are in relation to us. And they blame all of you, but not the way they blame me for putting her in this situation. The fact that she didn’t finish college but she is a supergenius and then she’s sitting here writing this blog while Bobby tries to suffocate her using demon technology via the Illuminati, has convinced Harold Loeb that it’s worthless to let her go. Essentially, he believes that he has to hang on until she’s dead and safe in Heaven because he doesn’t trust anyone and he struggles to trust God in the situation. He knows that I am meant for her, but there’s a little tiny part of him that worries. Because he seen so many things go wrong in his existence. And he’s in love with her and he doesn’t think it’s right to assume that everything will just be OK. And Elliott has the exact same response. And I can cope with that but it’s not fun and that’s putting it mildly. And I understand that there’s nothing that they can do about it that and it’s my fault and I take responsibility for that completely but I am not responsible for being confused. That was an innocent accident on my part and it really did actually happen.

Lacey’s son sounds like me and looks like me because he’s my son too. He’s almost died many times and that’s not unrelated to the fact that he is my son. I am bringing that up right now because people are not taking this seriously enough who are reading this blog. 

I never meant to be a really cruel sociopathic person in relation to any of the Kennedys and if you could meet my son and see our relationship, you’d understand who I am. It’s creepy watching the Andy Griffith Show. Opie is like my son. And I’m a lot like Andy. One of the things that we do in Heaven is go fishing. That was what I was meant to do but I never got to do. And and instead it was turned into a television show. There are a lot of people in the East who strongly believe that I am Constantine and if there’s reincarnation, I am. But there might not be reincarnation. If there is, it is no coincidence that my son is being kept from me, and that he’s almost died on many occasions.  But on the other hand, if there isn’t reincarnation I also am dealing with Constantine at this point because I do look like him and if he’s not in a relationship with someone, he’s noticed Lacey. However, God is God and He knows that I am the man for her so to speak. 

The Illuminati can’t understand what I am saying to them, because in order to do that, they have to except that she’s old money and better looking than most people and smarter and kinder and they can’t do that because they’re too narcissistically offended. And Bobby is too hurt. He had deluded himself, his entire life into thinking that he is a super genius who is extraordinarily handsome and it’s very hard for him to believe that he’s not, and that I was straight. Part of the reason why I gave him a false sense of self was because I was trying to outsmart him. And if you can imagine me being like Andy Taylor, dealing with a spoiled pretentious, sociopathic little brat that maybe you can understand. I didn’t hate him and yet I did. And of course I hid it. Of course I lied about it. Of course I pretended otherwise, but most people who are narcissistic wouldn’t have believed me, they would’ve seen through what I was doing. I, however, was straight.

There really is no way for me to have been as happy at Jack’s wedding as I was without being heterosexual there’s no psychological way that that’s possible. There really is no way that that’s possible. And Lacey has spent three years, analyzing it, looking at my every tiny little movement and gesture, and it is a watertight granite, rock diamond titanium, alien technology craft at this point. It is totally impenetrable and impossible to argue with her. she has spent so many hours, staring at those pictures of me at that wedding, looking at my face and my body analyzing the picture it would put people who are conspiracy theorist, who analyze those sort of things to shame. It really is impossible to argue with her because she’s right. 

This isn’t the only photo where I’m smiling and I actually was very sad that too, but it wasn’t related to Jack Kennedy. It was in a way that it wasn’t jealousy or hurt feelings in any sort of sexual or romantic way. My smile is sincere. My smile in every single picture at that wedding is sincere. I really enjoyed myself that day. I wasn’t jealous at all. I wasn’t touching him in every single photo where I was smiling either. And actually, it would be very hard to touch him that day and smile people are thinking like a writer, which is what I was saying before. And look at Camila‘s face Camilla is hurt at every way that a person could be at Charles‘s wedding to Diana. That’s the face I should have had if I was attracted to men at all. And it is no coincidence that her photo of her looking the way I was supposed to have looked is so public. If there is reincarnation, they were cursed and that’s all I’m going to say right now. I and if there is not reincarnation something else is at play. But that’s the face that I should have had. And I might not have been that obvious about it I might have tried to smile. But it would’ve been obvious that I was hurt. Maybe not to everybody but to somebody somewhere. And my face doesn’t look like that. And there’s no way that I could have looked that genuinely happy and been that sincerely sad at the same time. It’s impossible even for a good actor. There are some emotional experiences that you can’t hide. being at their wedding, having to watch her go down the aisle, and be physically separated from both of them as that happened, which is what happened having to watch them go through the ceremony, which is what happened and having to watch them kiss in front of all of those people all those cheering people who believed that they were in love and believed that they were happily going to be married, and were encouraging them and celebrating them…having to watch them hold hands in front of people who were cheering them on and fawning over their love and celebrating it…watching Red Fay be jealous watching women be jealous over their love… watching them, hold each other and pose for pictures, where Jack was obviously in love with her and expressing love to her in a way that he was never expressing love to me and certainly not publicly…watching him look into her eyes in front of people, and not being able to do a damn thing about it and having to watch as an usher…would have made me sad if I was attracted to men at all. That all happened. I’m sorry if that scares you, but that’s reality. There’s no way I could have watched all of that, and not been upset by it, and looked hurt in a sexual romantic way if I was attracted to men at all. Because there’s no way that Jack and I had no sexual relationship prior to the wedding, and the trajectory of the relationship that I had with him would not allow for me to not be hurt by that. The friendship that I had with him that wasn’t really friendship, one way or another would never have allowed me to not be hurt by that. There is ample evidence that I was either attracted to him, or that he was attracted to me, and I was confused, which is what happened in reality…and the nature of our bond is such that I could not have been his friend and been anything other than straight, and then that happy at his wedding. See people lie and they’re friends with the opposite sex or they’re friends with the same gender and they’re not straight and they go to people’s weddings and they’re nice and they’re happy for them but they’re not happy the way that I was at his wedding because they can’t be.  And it does show!! Not everyone can read out the way Lacey can, but it does show in your eyes or in your face or in your posture it shows! And there is no physically possible way that I could’ve been that happy at his wedding without being straight. I’m sorry, but that’s a fact. It’s the nature of a wedding and especially a wedding at that time, and that it would be impossible not to be hurt by it. It still is today and almost every situation, but there are some people who have very non-traditional weddings that might be able to avoid hurting someone in my situation, but those are very non-traditional weddings. I would say it would be damn near impossible for a wedding to exist at all that wouldn’t hurt somebody in the situation. I was supposedly in. I mean think about it. Camilla was hurt at a very publicly televised, super public wedding, and some people might say that would make it worse for her but other people would say would make it better because it’s a big show and she knew that. But she’s devastated! A lot of what you read about me is absolute fucking trash!! And a lot of the hypotheses about my feelings about things are just 100% bullshit!  There is no wedding that could exist possibly at all that wouldn’t hurt somebody in my supposed situation given the nature of a wedding. And a wedding with people celebrating the couple in any capacity a wedding with a liturgy a wedding with a priest, a wedding in a church, a wedding in front of people with an aisle a wedding with a wedding dress? Those are all things that they had at their wedding! Combining all of those things together and I’m not completely explaining but this should really suffice, a wedding with what I have listed in the 1950s, would make it impossible for me not to have been hurt if I was attracted to men at all! So  this is just logical fact and there is no way that I could not have been straight. It’s psychologically impossible. 

There is no way that I was not actually heterosexual. It is psychologically impossible. And actually, if you look at my picture, I look straight. I wasn’t just closeted and trying to pretend to be straight. I actually was it was the opposite. I was straight and trying to pretend to be gay. And yes, I was closeted, but the irony is that I was double closeted because I was actually I was actually straight, but I was closeted in a sense in my own mind otherwise slightly knew I was straight, but I was in a sense closeted from myself, because I was so severely dissociated, in part, all of the time, after all the trauma that I lived through. And then I was thinking I was gay and I was closeted in that way as well. I was a very sweet, tenderhearted, romantic, intelligent, sensitive young man, but I was a guy and I was straight and I was not someone safe for the Kennedys to get involved with. Jack got shot because of his friendship with me. And so did Bobby. Sometimes I even wonder if Joe died, and Kick died because I was there as well. And it is a really stupid idea to take a sexually confused, traumatized young man such as myself when I met Jack and use that to your advantage when you’re a closeted, narcissistic bisexual like Jack Kennedy was. I was not attracted to Jack that is bullshit and hearsay, but they pretend like it’s fact. And they really don’t have verifiable 100% fact to prove that but they’re backward in that family and they don’t have the intellectual integrity to care in the media that caters to them.

I was a straight guy who liked sex and was confused. Of course, I like talking about sex because Jack liked women not just men. And so he likes talking about women. And I like talking about women too. But I was a lot more shy about it than him, and I had a different set of values than he did. And so I enjoyed him talking about masturbation with him, and because I was thinking about women and I knew he was too. And there was something about our friendship that I thought existed, but really didn’t…that allowed me to think that we were like men at war conquering women sexually. You know sort of like oh where we’re going to go you know charge our way in to some woman’s house and have our way with her except I didn’t want to do that and I was really looking for Lacey believe it or not and she wasn’t there. And so I had it in my head that we were two guys about town two men at war when we would discuss masturbation when we were discussing those things it was, it was a heterosexual experience for me entirely.  and I could easily say otherwise Lacey is with me regardless, and she was an entirely know that, but she is, but that that wouldn’t be right because that’s not what happened. I really was entirely straight.  And it’s very easy for people to get confused because it’s not something that people analyze about themselves. But I actually was entirely heterosexual. And I was sincerely confused. And so there are some people who could go really far with that sincerely and do and believe that they’re gay or believe that they’re straight when they’re not. But I actually did not do that. I actually was not confused that degree. I would just get very cold and distant, or I would be very patronizing or fake, but I wasn’t really capable of being that empathetic we’ll call it or engaged with Jack at times when he would sort of go off into a genuinely heterosexual sort of state, in his time with me in person, and in his letters, there was no time when I really engaged with him, in a way that would suggest I was actually enjoying myself at all. And I could have I could’ve been that confused and still been straight but that’s not what happened, what happened is that he just didn’t notice or didn’t care and I patronized him and faked it enough that I think he just assumed that everything was fine on a certain level. He didn’t realize that I wasn’t really engaging with him in a real way psychologically.  And at his wedding when I was happy, he didn’t realize that that was a red flag and then it wasn’t a good thing. 

I didn’t respond to him and his letters the way that he wanted me to because I couldn’t. And I’ve said this before but it’s true at times I was not as fast in responding to him or I didn’t respond to him at all. For weeks!!! And it’s amusing to me that David Pitts didn’t find that to be more concerning. Because how could a guy just blow somebody off and I’m sorry that’s not a euphemism. I’m not trying to be coy or clever I’m using a colloquialism that applies in this situation, how could a guy blow somebody off for months for weeks repeatedly without that being kind of weird? I mean I didn’t talk to Jack for weeks! I didn’t talk to him for months at times!! Because he was busy or I was busy in a way that he couldn’t do anything about. And that would be to most people a sign that I actually secretly lacked genuine interest, and was faking my obsession with him, or I was faking interest in him entirely but he never chose to process that in a real way, because he was raised by his mother and his father to live in denial when you didn’t like something. But there is no way that I was not straight. …And when I didn’t want to talk to him when he was in Hollywood or when I was at war that should have alerted him to the reality that I actually didn’t give a shit about him all that much. Because I didn’t want him to know about my daily life. I didn’t want to find out what was going on with him I didn’t care! I did the bare minimum at times in our conversations because I didn’t really give a shit! And all of this teasing and supposed flirting between us is just bullshit. And to be honest a lot of it was actually me being angry at him, and finding passive aggressive ways to insult him. I did not relish giving him massages. I was not a good kisser I could have been and been confused, but actually no, no he wrote that kind of shit next to my pictures because he wanted it to be true not because it actually was. I might have been a good kisser in his estimation, but I have a feeling it’s more that he purposefully exaggerated my feelings in his head and projected his own feelings for me onto me for him, and imagined that my kissing was better than it actually was. It was very very mechanical and methodical and maybe I’m really good at bed, but that’s not the same thing as being a good kisser in reality those are two separate things. At any rate, you have to understand that all of the perspective that people have on me is messed up because they’re not understanding that I was actually straight 100% and that there is actually a lot of evidence to support that.

You might think it’s stupid or backward to take it so seriously that I was smiling at his wedding, but it actually isn’t it’s actually psychologically 100% verifiable. There are certain emotional things we can’t do at certain times, and that’s sort of common sense. Like, when someone’s in excruciating pain during childbirth, they can’t just stand up, walk out the door, and and laugh about it. If you could do something like that, you would probably be in sane or you’d have some sort of severe disorder. I didn’t have any of those disorders, and that also is obvious. People are not as intelligent or sophisticated as they think they are nowadays. There really is no psychologically possible way that I would’ve been not happy at his wedding without being straight, it is totally impossible.

the fact that I blew him off and now again, I’m using colloquialism because I am so sick of having to be so careful about what I say in part, because I didn’t give a shit I was trying to get away from him because my family wanted me to, and I wanted to. I didn’t contact him when he was in Hollywood enough because I was secretly enjoying being away from him. I was secretly enjoying having absolutely nothing to do with him. And time went by very slowly back then. So I went for three weeks without telling him anything going on in my daily life. Think about that! …I went for three weeks without telling him how I felt about anything that I was experiencing about anything that I was doing in my day about anything. People wrote a lot of lot letters back then so the fact that there are so many between us, and I kept them all is not evidence that I was in love with him. And to be honest I was thinking that I was in a relationship with him and I was trying to make it work and I also thought that we were friends and so I was keeping things for a reason and I did try to write him for a reason. But at times I did blow him off, and I relished that more than anyone noticed. And again I am using that as a colloquialism. I loved giving him the cold shoulder. Because I didn’t give a shit. And I enjoyed going to the store and going to sleep and reading and talking with other people and having a life separate from his and not telling him anything about it. And it freaked him out, more than once he says contact me get in touch with me in a way that sounds desperate. Secretly he was obsessed with me, and he wanted me around all of the time and requested my presence and controlled me. Jack was a closeted bisexual and his family is still in denial about that. I was heterosexual and confused and his family goes insane when they try to fathom that and always has.

And what is the thing is it really isn’t safe and never has been safe for them to be in denial about it, and if there is an Illuminati Bobby has destroyed their reputation by violently trying to fight the reality of what actually happened. I was not attracted to that little kid, I was not attracted to him ever.

I would not have been so upset about using drugs with him the way that I was if I was ever attracted to him or a pedophile. The way that I got upset suggests that I was not a pedophile and I wasn’t one. I was upset because I hated him, and I wanted him to die to be honest, but I also cared about him and I felt as though I let him down.

I was straight, and he was not as far as I can tell. And a lot of gay men are leery of getting into friendships with straight men, because straight men have a history of not being repressed homosexuals like some gay men want to think but of being cold and hurtful and obtuse. Because we don’t really understand them, and there is hetero normative culture. And because I actually was heterosexual, and Jack was attracted to me because I was heterosexual and he was a predator I was not as safe as they think I was. Bobby has some quack ideas about a lot of things with science, but that is not actually as rare and that family as you might think it is. They came from poverty and Ireland, and even though they were rich and went to Harvard, they didn’t entirely leave that part of the thinking behind. And there are rich people with crackpot ideas but their approach is at its core more like a poor person. So they are not safe people to trust unfortunately. I am fairly certain Bobby was straight in his imagination, but in reality he was probably pansexual or bisexual. And I think he had a crush on me and still does and it was nurtured by a lot of people and unfortunately I worry that I gave him the wrong impression myself in an attempt to control him at times but I am not sure about it. I really thought I was gay until shortly before I died. But I did not find him attractive and of course I didn’t, but I didn’t even think that I did and I don’t think I ever did anything or said anything that really would have given him the impression that I was genuinely in love with him, but I do worry that I might have done something. Because I was straight but I genuinely thought that I was gay and so I use gay mannerisms. I styled my hair in a gay way, and I looked gay I really was straight, but I made myself appear gay in how I moved my face, how I held myself, I was trying to be gay. And it’s convincing to a lot of people. But it wasn’t real. And and sometimes it looks so real that some people don’t think it’s possible that I could be anything other than gay or possibly bisexual. But I was actually straight. And it’s not as easy to read people as some people think it is. And yet ironically, it’s actually easier because if you know what you’re looking for you can tell. There are many men who think they’re gay, who are actually bisexual and of course, there are a lot of gay man who knows that there are many men who think that they’re straight who are also actually bisexual. It’s not an easy thing for some people to figure out. But if it feels wrong to you and you don’t want to do it regardless of what you think the Bible says about it, don’t do it! Don’t let someone tell you. Oh, you’re in love with me let’s have sex when you’re not really in love with them. It’s really not that hard to tell though once you know what you’re looking for but it’s not something that is easy to figure out and Lacey has but that’s because I’ve helped her it’s not something that she would’ve figured out on her own. Not because she’s stupid she’s exceptionally intelligent because it’s hard to tell and you kind of have to have some guidance about what facial features to look for. Or what physical features otherwise to look for.

I actually appear straight and was. I even when I contorted my face if you’re as gifted at reading people in the ways that they can alter themselves even as Lacey is and has become, you can tell that I was straight. But there are some people who look gay. And that’s where the Pope is right. There are people who are possibly either born or who have some physical situation, where it’s very hard for them, not to be attracted to the same gender. And it’s not something they can just get out of it’s very difficult for them. I was straight. And I actually looked straight. It’s it’s very finally nuanced, but it’s it’s there. And at the very least, I look bisexual, but I actually was straight. And I actually do look straight. Jack Kennedy looks bisexual and so does Bobby.

Ted was possibly the most genuinely heterosexual of all of those young men and he looks that way. He also did the best and that’s not a coincidence.  They really shot themselves in the foot with that one. …Their hyper insistence on being virile straight men to an astounding, epic degree of grandeur. When they were really just bisexual. 

I did not protect Jack the way that he needed a husband or a lover to protect him. Jackie was very beautiful, but she wasn’t a safe wife for him to have married. I had plenty of criticisms about her, and her one of them was that she was cold towards him at times. See the thing is he needed somebody who was a lot more shrewd. She understood by sexuality because of her father and Joe Kennedy Senior knew that. But she didn’t really understand that he needed to be sheltered from himself. She was too straight and two feminine and too romantic. He needed a bisexual, masculine woman who would babysit him essentially. And they would’ve had an awful marriage. He would’ve cheated on her and broken her heart but he would not have been as shocking to her, or as hurtful as he was to Jackie. And he probably would’ve survived. She was dependent on him like he was a real husband and he was, but he was an absolute failure as a husband as well and she didn’t understand what was going on. He was not a competent, mature man. He was a dependent, clingy, needy, violent narcissist. And I did give him a lot of oral sex and I later did try to brag about it in a sense but I also was trying to tell people what happened because I wanted people to know. I wouldn’t say it was so much bragging as it was admitting. And it wasn’t possibly almost anyone other than one or two people. I did that because he was so needy! There are apparently a lot of gay men who claim that they don’t care if they’re always giving oral sex, and never receiving anything that can’t possibly be true. That is not psychologically healthy or normal. There is something genuinely dysfunctional about those people or the entire thing is bullshit and they’re all insane or both. And people have a normal physical desire for sex that is part of human psychology. There is nobody created in such a way where they don’t give and receive. There are people who are asexual, but you can’t really give that much, and then not desire something in return. If you do, there’s something wrong. There’s something wrong if you’re just giving and not receiving. What was wrong with me is that I was straight. And and so I didn’t have any heterosexual desires that were being met in a normal way, and I didn’t have any homosexual desires at all. So I didn’t mind giving because it was just like a physical job for me. It wasn’t actually giving. Some people could maybe be in an abusive relationship or they could possibly be messed up, but I would argue that it does bother them somehow, they’re just repressing that or they’re not acknowledging it. So it’ll come out in the wash in some way. And given my situation, it would’ve been impossible for me to not have been extraordinarily sexually frustrated by him. It would’ve been impossible. So that is another huge glaring error in people’s analysis of the situation. And the gay men who lie about that obviously are not helpful to their own community in analyzing my life. The women really don’t dislike giving oral sex more than gay men gay men say that because they’re insecure. And they’re also not worse than gave that I giving it they just don’t know what it feels like to have a penis and so you have to tell them what you like and you have to give them insight, which actually is more intimate than with a man. They have to learn you in a way that men don’t because men already know what’s happening. People lie about stuff like that they lie about the fact that men have a desire to conquer, and then combined with their insight because they have their own penis that they may actually be better initially at giving oral sex. but knowing the idiosyncrasies of each individual person and having a wife who loves you that much and wants you that badly is actually a lot more arousing and a lot more exciting when you’re a mature adult and you’re looking for something deep and meaningful and actually very satisfying especially long-term obviously than when you’re just getting something quick and easy from a guy. They don’t really have the monopoly on oral sex that they think they have. And there are some women who are actually so good at it that there’s probably no gay alive who would be as good as them. Many men have a tendency to be egotistical especially when they’re insecure and shows in relation to women in the gay community about topics of sex. The truth is when you’re straight and you’re with a woman who has a really good vagina it’s very difficult to restrain yourself during oral sex that she’s giving you no matter how good she is. Because it isn’t as much fun to just sit there or lay there and it’s a lot more fun to do things. And sometimes maybe oral sex is pleasurable, but it’s not as much fun as vaginal sex. The vagina really is astoundingly good at giving pleasure to a penis.

There is nothing more pleasurable than that there just isn’t. And there’s no gay orgasm that ever surpasses the best heterosexual ones, I’m sorry, A lot of what you read otherwise it’s just written by insecure gay men. Very insecure!

And the Kennedys know that. Which is why they’re so mean to women. They hate the power that women have over their bodies, and their minds. It’s unbelievably narcissistically threatening to them, and so they compensate for it by being unbelievably psychologically, sadistic and evil towards women. And they are violently threatened by women, and so they preemptively find ways to attack them before women even see it coming. Because for the most part, they’re bisexual, and so they still have a desire for women and a fear of that. I don’t think there are any actual homosexuals entirely who are entirely homosexual in that family, but I could be wrong in one of the younger generations. They are very bisexual. And very narcissistic.

I was straight and they didn’t understand me. I was harsh. I was cold, and I was far more damaging to them than they even realize today. And part of the reason why ironically is because they’ve done so well. I had it figured that when I died they would be very damaged by that because I thought that I was far more important than I was. And I didn’t realize that when I died that it was very likely to do nothing. To be honest part of the reason why it did nothing is because of Lacey.

I was never involved in any homosexual activity with Bobby. I know you probably have ideas of debauchery in your head that are far more homosexual or pedophilic or just perverse than what actually happened. And I can’t do anything about that. Almost at all. Because there are so many stories about what we did that are so wild that it’s going to be very difficult for me to prove that none of that ever happened. I am saying that it didn’t, and that would happen was actually a lot more mild and dull by today’s standards than you might think. We did use drugs, but I wasn’t involved in any sexual activity with him, or any of his female friends. …But that is not why I thought I was so important.  It wasn’t as if I thought I had made some huge impact with my wild parties that would be missed when I died or I was so high on cocaine that I thought that I was more important that I was. 

I thought that I had a power over them emotionally but I just didn’t really have at all. Lacey has it not me. But I had absolutely no idea that she existed, at least in a conscious way. And I might not have had any idea that she existed at all. And she was Joe Kennedy Senior’s soulmate until he messed up his life. And she was one of his soulmates. It’s very Swedenborgian. But he totally messed it up. And because of that, she still has that authority over all of them. So they are drawn to her through me and that is part of why they were so attached to me and they have never accepted that possibly any of them. They don’t understand that Bobby’s fixation with her is real. He has found a woman who looks like some weird iteration of her in every single marriage he’s ever had. His first wife is frighteningly similar to Lacey. And his second wife is bizarrely similar, but she also looks like Jackie. His third wife is also very strangely similar to Lacey. And to be honest when I told him to marry someone like Jackie, I was trying to tell him to marry someone like Jackie. And I was not attracted to him, or love with him. I was trying to give him good advice because I didn’t fully understand myself or what Jack really needed. He was a terrible husband, but he could’ve been a better husband to someone who is less straight and less feminine. But that was not something that I understood, and I thought that Jackie had been unusually understanding of him and loving to him, and so I thought that somehow he was better off, marrying someone like her, given the fact that he seemed bisexual than a lot of women. I was not so confused that I thought that he was my next Jack Kennedy. If I ever indicated that I was not meaning it that way that people took or if I did mean it that way I might’ve had malicious intent. I really was straight and I actually wasn’t that confused!

Oh, but at any rate, Lacey actually is mine for eternity, and she really does mean more to them than they want to accept. And when I fed Bobby lies, it was cruel. I was straight. I was a straight man masquerading by accident as a flamingly gay homosexual. And I gave him the impression that he was a lot more of a man than he was as awful as that is to say. And because I was laughing at him on the inside. And I’m not heartless, and I actually felt bad about it especially right before I died. But I was laughing at him a lot, and I laughed at Jack too. And it was the sort of bullying that straight men do when they’re not homophobic they’re not homosexual they’re just mean. But the sad truth is they might not have evil heart intent they just can’t stand the way that gay men act, so prissy, and high and mighty and powerful in a way that they’re not. It’s because they don’t actually have power over straight men sexually at all. And I would bet there are some some “straight men” like the Murdaughs who actually are bisexual, call themselves straight…who are irritated by that as well. Because it’s irritating! And the idea is that they have some secret trick that they don’t have. And so if you’re bisexual or you’re straight like I was and you have these narcissistic little twats who think they’re God trying to convince you that you should serve them indefinitely like a clown it gets old. And it’s because you don’t really feel that for them, but they are so convinced that you do like the most annoying straight woman imaginable. And you know the type that I am talking about. Loose but only somewhat good-looking women who love to be manipulative and think that men are just madly in love with them when they’re not. Lacey is the polar opposite of that. And she has problems because of that but she’s not the polar opposite of that in a pejorative sense. She’s extremely good looking, and I don’t think she thinks anyone’s in love with her, including me and she’s kind of a ditz, but she’s very good hearted and very intelligent. And you can tell her that she is a ditz and she accepts that very humbly and with remorse when she’s guilty of something but there’s nothing she can do about it because that’s just who she is. But they irritate her because women like that are at least just as ditzy as her, but they don’t accept that about themselves and they’re very narcissistic. And they’re not as good looking nor is intelligent and frankly they’re probably just dumb. And they irritate men like me because we have a twin flame who is like Lacey potentially or we know someone like Lacey and so we don’t have a lot of tolerance for their stupidity and narcissism because it’s just so fucking annoying! And Jack was like that and Bobby was like that and it’s really aggravating. Because they’re so obviously stupid but they can’t accept that. And so they tend to think people are in love with them who are not. And there are plenty of bisexual men who can get very angry about it, because they don’t like being played with. And they don’t think that these men realize that that they’re not the only show on the road. Because they’re so in love with themselves that they can’t believe that anyone could really be competition for them. And they’re very insecure and so they lie about their sexual abilities. And if the man is closeted like the Murdoch kid…they may over, emphasize their importance to a dangerous degree. I was straight, but I was very abused and pushed over the edge. And they still think that I was endlessly in love with him. Because they’re all like that! They’re all narcissistic. And but I definitely put them all in harms way and still do because they can’t let go of me. They can’t let go of the mythology around me. 

I was straight and I was confused. And Lacey actually is far more significant to them than they like to admit. And I was not endlessly in love with Jack. And actually I wasn’t even in love with him at all.

Why would I give up a woman like that? Who is perfect for me? To be with this:

Don’t be nice to him look at what a piece of shit his body actually is. He was a scrawny flat ass tiny dick man! Look at his body honestly in comparison to the models below, and then explain to me. Why the fuck I would want to have sex with that man for eternity even if I was gay. He was a narcissistic asshole! I was abused! And you seriously think that doesn’t matter!? NO!! It does matter and that’s common fucking SENSE!!!

A man with a skinny as fuck waist, a flat ass that he thinks is ginormous and sexy as all get out and a tiny dick!? The only thing that was really all that attractive about him was his face and his hair. He could photograph well, but in reality, he had a shit body. And the way that he talked to me about his penis is hilarious. 

I was actually straight. And that’s why he did it because he didn’t realize that he was being offensive because he was an idiot narcissist, but he actually was gross at times the way that he would talk about himself when he was trying to flirt with me. I mean telling me that his penis looked like shit and that he hadn’t masturbated for two days? You know…that’s not sexy, that’s really not sexy. You don’t tell somebody stuff like that when you’re trying to be in a relationship with them or you’re trying to arouse them. Even if you have a really great dick telling someone that your penis looks like shit and doesn’t actually help the situation so to speak if you’re trying to be arousing. Because our bodies can look that bad. And he had a small dick. They all do. See it’s genetic. You can tell in the second picture that there’s not a lot there. And so you can imagine telling me that your tiny dick looks like shit, especially the way that he says it would be unarousing but he doesn’t know that. And I don’t care because I’m straight. And I don’t think there’s anything weird about the fact that I don’t care because I think I’m gay for really sad reasons. But that really should be stranger to people when they read it than it is.

I am sorry, but Lacey is not the one who’s wrong people who thinks that she’s wrong all the time unfortunately are probably not as intelligent as they think they are. And Jack was just not that big. And I neither was his father, Janet was unaware. And you really can tell in their pictures. And but at any rate telling me that, even if he had an amazing penis would’ve been a weird thing to do. Because it’s just not arousing! The way that he said it would be like if a woman were to say to a man “I’ve got a yeast infection that smells like a dead fish! And it’s pus of some sort, most likely but if you want to come over and have sex with me, I could use the room spray or you could wear a mask. I mean I’ll probably fart in your face because I’ve also got a really bad case of diarrhea. I’ve just been so sick lately but I am horny as heck and every time I fart I smell an egg and I think about those little eggs that you use on me and that makes me feel like shitting right now but- Maybe you could just eat my shit and give me a rim job?” I mean you can try to make it sexy but in all honesty, it’s not. Especially if this woman says it in a way that is meant to be taken seriously and not at all in jest. That’s what Lacey heard but that might not be the best example but the point is that’s essentially what he told me. And people just think that that’s normal for some reason. It’s not! Oh, and if they’re just too stupid to understand that it’s weird then they’re liars, because they pretend to be a far more intelligent than that! And if I was actually attracted to Jack, I would never have liked what he was saying to me. And he wouldn’t have probably said it in the way that he did, because he would’ve known that. We had conversations like that in person and he said stuff like that and I didn’t care and that was weird but he didn’t know that.

But even if I was gay, why the hell do you think I would in my grave want to still be with him? He was an ugly man. and it’s covered up with tanning and trick photography and good clothing. But a tiny dick and a scrawny body is a tiny dick and a scrawny body and a flat butt is a flat butt. And there was no way that I was ever going to be as aroused by him as I would be by somebody better looking than him if I was even gay at all. And he treated me like shit. I was straight and confused and that’s how he got away with it. But if I had been in a long-term relationship with him and gay, which isn’t even possible considering everything that happened, but if I was, there’s almost no way that I would still be interested in him after dying and being freed from all of the bullshit that he brainwashed into thinking. If I had had a good counselor I would’ve been far better off as well but that was the early 80s that was the 1970s and a lot of people didn’t understand what was going on and frankly a lot of people who did were scared of the Kennedys, and so was I. Back then they were far more powerful than they are today. I did have a counselor, possibly who suggested that I was straight and that I had been molested, but they weren’t quite sure how to express that to me. And I had to figure it out for myself. If I had a counselor like that, that may have been how I partially figured it out when I was at the peep show at 3 AM because I had these ideas in my head for counseling and I was processing them and I realized that I was just straight.

I’m sorry, but there’s no way that I would ever be with Jack. He went to far and once the confusion would’ve been lifted from my head upon death, I would no longer have felt a great desire to be with him, and I actually would’ve not wanted to be with him at all. That being said, I was actually straight. And I was confused, and as I said, everything can be explained, everything. And if it’s not something that means I’m a good person then I’ll unfortunately will have to find a way to make that up to her for eternity because I refuse to let her be with anyone but me. And God is 100% on board.

It’s possible there is actually a pretty good explanation for everything. That means I was a pretty good person, but I definitely was straight, and I do feel bad to some degree that I was as heartless towards them as I was. It seems like I was entirely victimized, but there are actually a lot of things that I did that people don’t see and I do actually feel sincerely bad.

The character of Skippy Handelman is very similar to me. It’s eerie actually. The actual doesn’t look as much like me as he’s aged but in his youth, we were very similar looking. I acted gay, but Skippy acted straight, and if you wanna know what I would’ve looks like if I had been myself, or when I was myself, that character is pretty similar to me. And perhaps people knew that.

One of the problems in America right now is that people like Bobby don’t wanna lose power. And so, even if I was involved in Jack’s assassination, he relies on men like Donald Trump to tell him that. and in reality if there’s an Illuminati I am the ghost of Lem Billings and I am telling him myself that it’s possible. And he should take that far more seriously. But he doesn’t. Ronald Reagan destroyed a lot of evidence in his presidency. And the JFK evidence was part of that. He just didn’t think that people should know what really happened, if something happened. But because Bobby clings to people like Donald Trump, and relies on them to tell him what happened he may not know until he dies that I had something to do with Jack’s death. If I did. And that’s very damaging to the US. Because people who are young right now, don’t understand. They don’t have the reasoning ability that he has to figure out what’s actually true and so they will not figure it out. Because they were not encouraged to think about things the way that his generation was. So when he dies and wet Trump dies to it’s going to be very hard for people to figure a lot of the stuff out. That will read the half assed, confusing, deceitful, and yet honest at the same time articles in the daily mail, and David Pitts’s book and they’ll assume that they’re accurate. or they’ll think that there’s something slightly wrong with them, but they won’t know quite what it is and they won’t care. And edit away that’ll allow Lacey and I a lot more freedom and privacy but there’s a dark side to it. And that dark side is that the truth will take a lot longer to come out, and it depends on what happens. It might take centuries at this point. Because no one’s going to be that interested or that aware of what they’re reading to figure it out. And you know maybe that’s not so bad, but it is an away because he is culturally significant. JFK. And their ambivalence towards him their lack of interest is partially because of the lie. I was straight, and he wasn’t and people might know that in their spirit, somehow. And no, I’m not talking about reincarnation, but people might know it in their spirit.  And so if they do, that’s a problem because they lose interest.  they may think that the entire thing is stupid, but they won’t know why. They’ll just sense it and then they’ll lose interest.