Author Archives: L.

Return To Sender by Elvis plays.

A huge plastic Jesus falls from the ceiling. Along with glitter.

It lands on the stage. With a thud. A group of male exotic dancers.

Push the cracked plastic Jesus back up on stage. Back to a standing position.

Toxic by Britney Spears. Very loud.

A spotlight falls on Jack Schlossberg as he dances around on stage naked. Twirling. Twerking. Trying desperately to seem sexy to a group of amused and confused and non-straight Muslim men.

2:02

Joel Osteen’s voice is heard overhead. As Toxic is lowered to quiet background sound.

“Yes. We all like sex!

Is there anything wrong with that?

Jesus didn’t think so. He understood human suffering.

He said, ‘Let the little children to come onto me.’

I ask of you what’s the difference between wrong and right. We are all children in Jesus‘s sight.

Why can’t you let the U.S. Dollar be a symbol for you of free love, sex and intrigue? Hey…what’s wrong with sex and intrigue? Absolutely nothing!

I already said that Jesus loves sex!

We were asked today to demonstrate for you the power of God’s glory. But we can’t do that. We can’t enjoy sex today because the man on-stage even though he’s circumcised, is toxic. I know I don’t mean toxins in the air or in our water, even though that could be true for a lot of us, including Jack Schlossberg. I’m talking about the toxins in our hearts.

Jack Schlossberg is a liar and a cheat and a thief, he sure is. I was supposed to talk about his grandfather today, who is a serial rapist and who cheated repeatedly on his grandmother, and left her suicidal on more than one occasion, but Jack Kennedy Schlossberg is on-stage today as JFK Junior, who also was supposed to be standing in for him, had a last-minute emergency, namely, that he accidentally almost sent Lacey into a room where she was going to be molested by Satan and so she had to cut off his head.

Jack is evil and toxic! Look at him. He’s sexy! He arouses you and you think of JFK and his hot, handsome body and the way that he managed to seduce six foot four sexy Lem Billings into coming onto him hundreds of times each day. …I guess that’s fact…according to Wikipedia.

Ahh…so I guess what I’m trying to say is these men have it where it counts! Just look at his dick! Sure it looks a little average to below average, but you and I both know that with the Kennedy-know-how in those veins that he makes sex extraordinarily pleasurable and exciting. A virile hot man! As viral and virile as any man has ever come…according to USA Today, People magazine, Time magazine, and The Ladies Home Journal.

You know you want him to lick your balls and stick his hard cock up your butthole over and over until it makes you hurt. Yes thank you please! 

But hold on there! Just hold on for a second!

We Shall Behold Him by Sandi Patty plays.

I need to talk to you today about a way out. A way to escape to a land of FREEDOM.

0:41

And through the precious blood of Jesus, the Lamb sacrificed on the cross for our sins, our toxicity if you will, we are able to enjoy not just sex….but everything.

That’s right everything! Everything you’ve ever wanted. Jesus will give you all the desires of your heart.

1:28

All you have to do is just let us guide you!

1:43

Let us guide you into a better…happier place where all of Jack Schlossberg’s toxicity disappears and you can live in the land of freedom and happiness where you’re able to have his dick up your butthole whenever you want because in America we are free.

2:01

Yes, we are free. We are free in America to behold Him. Who do we behold? Not just Jack Schlossberg but me as well.” says Joel Osteen.

3:00

And at that Joel Osteen joins Jack Schlossberg onstage naked.

3:46

Joel Osteen stands and stares at the giant plastic Jesus.

4:17

Jack Schlossberg shrugs awkwardly and then turns and stands facing Jesus.

The idea seems to be to advertise their asses as they behold Jesus.

The song ends.

Nothin’ by N. O. R. E. plays.

“What Lacey intended for evil I will now use for Christ’s glory.

I’ve heard her play the song so many times it drives me crazy…but now I will use this song that she stole from my people as a way to seduce Jesus.

Ask questions later…if you please.” says Joel Osteen.

“My mommy says I have a weapon now and the weapon is prayer and intercession through the Holy Spirit to my sky daddy!” says Jack Schlossberg, spinning a Rosary around in the air.

The two men try to twerk and dance sexy for the Jesus. They prance around on stage in imitation of Taylor Swift? And yet also…as exotic dancers. Jack Schlossberg gives the Jesus a lap dance.

2:29

They do their best.

They dance around the giant plastic Jesus.

The song ends.

Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See plays.

The song plays until 1:22

Then it fades.

“That was called bridal intercession. It’s a practice in the Christian faith in America. See what we do is, we have a sexual relationship with Jesus in our hearts, because as part of the Bride of Christ, both Jack and I are Jesus’s little bitches.

That’s right we’re like sister brides or sister wives because we’re brothers-in-Christ but at the end of the day we’re both just Jesus’s little bitches.

You know how it goes! You get into endless bad relationships after bad relationships but with Jesus, there is a perfect relationship. No more bad relationships ever again. You’ll never need to worry about getting hurt or sad or having anything like that happen to you ever again. The relationship that Jack and I have with Jesus is big enough to hold all the love in the world. …It makes me eternally ecstatic. Ecstasy I said. Sex…intrigue…Christ.

Through bridal intercession, I am able to access Jesus’s VIP room. If I get an all access pass all the time baby.

So see that’s why you should get it on a real sweet deal…and suck His cock too. I know some of y’all already believe anyway that’s right I see you. *He winks and points*

With Jesus as your hubby in Heaven you get all the strings pulled that you could ever want.

But see all you have to do is just follow with me in prayer and say the following words say them out loud and then see-

So you know…then it’s not like you’re really sucking his cock…because I know most of us are actually just straight men. Right!? But we kind of get to suck his cock anyway, because Jesus understands our toxicity. And at the end of the day I chose this huge plastic Jesus because I wanted you all to understand that he’s big enough for everybody. There is a lot of that Lovin to go all around…if you know what I mean, boys!

So say the following words with me:

*Hypnotize by The Notorious B. I. G. plays*

Thank you Jesus for your mercy for your grace for your kindness, and for your enormous cock in Heaven through our ‘sky daddy Jesus.Thank you so much for coming into my heart and saving me right now from myself and from whatever thoughts I have going through my head that don’t align with you. Thank you so much for being my Lord and Savior whatever the fuck that even means anyway. Just basically forgive me for whatever I did wrong if sin is even a thing. And then, when I see you in Heaven I expect a whole hell of a lot of good Lovin. Your cock is hard, huge and right up my ass where I like it. I like it good!” says Joel Osteen.

The song plays louder.

2:15

The song plays.

Nobody said a thing.

The men walk away. Confused.

The song finishes.

Later.

Lena Dunham walks briskly about. Reading pamphlets and examining glitter that’s been scattered across tables. She smells a plastic cup. Looks inside.

“What is that?” she asks a cleaning crew member.

“Orange soda.” says the cleaner.

“Did they drink alcohol?” asks Lena.

The cleaner coldly shrugs. Then she walks off very coldly.

Lena smells the drink again.

“I just don’t understand why are you people didn’t realize that they needed to be drunk.” says Lena to the Illuminati in her head, aloud. The room is empty. But the Illuminati talks to her.

Perpetuum Mobile by Simon Jeffes plays.

And if there’s reincarnation it flows through Queen Elizabeth I and Scotia. Why is unclear.

The song ends.

“YOU HAVE TO BE MY FATHER!!!” shrieks Caroline Kennedy at Lacey Banks. “I CANNOT STAND IT!!”

“They LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE!” screams Caroline.

“What the fuck is she going on about?” says Princess Diana.

“They…are obviously different people!” says a reader.

“Ahh…not true. Every time she sends us telepathic mental images of herself…she looks like my father reincarnated.” says Caroline.

“So…you think the camera is covering it up?” says the CIA.

“YES!!!! THAT IS IT!” says Caroline.

“That’s so clearly my dad. The slim waist!” says Caroline, sincerely.

“Women are shaped that way.” says God.

“That’s an excuse.” says Caroline.

“No. They really are.” says God.

“No. She’s not a real woman. I can tell.” says Caroline.

“What’s wrong with her?” asks Putin.

“Her boobs are too big?” says Caroline “And yet not big enough!”

“Caroline I’m not going to post photos you’ll doubt anyway…of my naked boobs.” says Lacey.

“YOU HAVE TO!!!” shouts America.

“Mmm….NO!!” yells Russia.

“NO!!!! YOU HAVE TO!!!” yells America.

“There. They look close to that.” says Lacey.

“That looks good!” says Iran.

“You know…it does. But I have a very strong feeling that someone in America is trying to disagree.” says Lacey.

“They’re too pointy.” says Iran.

“No. They’re not.” says Lacey.

“Do you have to show people?” says Iran.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Okay. You are better.” says Iran.

“Lacey why don’t you dress more sexy?” says a Native American woman.

“I have to have Lem suck my cock!!!” begs JFK. “PLEASE!!”

“Why Lem?” asks Lacey.

“Because China paid for it?” he says, laughing.

“No. They did not.” says Putin.

“What does her butt look like again? I can’t remember.” says America.

“I think someone’s trying to imagine what she looks like in their head.” says John Lithgow.

“But if we don’t find out right now, we’re just gonna have…a serious natural disaster. Gosh I feel like Pat Robertson saying that…but I just feel like God is showing me…that we need to see her butt!” says Joel Osteen.

“Caroline I think she channels your father. I don’t think- I-I don’t think- I don’t think she is your father. I think she’s channeled him.” says John Lithgow.

“CAN WE SEE HER NAKED?!?” says Joel Osteen.

“NO!” says John Lithgow.

“Do you feel…pleasantly Canadian?” asks Lena Dunham.

“Yes.” says John Lithgow.

“I like it.” says Lacey.

Later.

Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme by Megaraptor plays.

Lacey’s daughter (cloned or original) is almost killed several times. But she giggles through it as God is protecting her… It involved the stairs again. No she didn’t fall. But she almost did. …And then Lacey’s son broke a spindle in their original staircase from 1914. And then a demonic entity manifested itself and yelled, “I’m not going anywhere!” And Lacey’s kids heard it but her husband insisted it was merely possible.

“But we all heard it!” said Lacey.

He shrugged.

“WE ALL HEARD IT!” says Lacey.

He remains silent.

“WE ALL HEARD IT!” says Lacey.

“I think it’s possible.” says her husband.

“Okay.” says Lacey almost ready to laugh at him.

What else he thinks could be happening is a mystery.

“What else could it be?” says Lacey.

She cast it out of their house in Jesus’s name.

“I think it’s possible!” he says.

And at that JFK races to find a kidnapper for her children.

X-men by Powerglove plays.

“Why are you attacking her kids?” says Vladimir Putin, intrigued.

“YOU ARE A COCK SUCKING GENIUS!” says JFK to Vladimir Putin.

“I don’t recall sucking your cock!” says Vladimir Putin, laughing.

“You MIGHT HAVE. And that’s good enough for me.” says JFK.

“Nope. I did not.” says Putin.

3:15

“No. YOU DID!” says JFK.

Jack starts tempting people to kidnap her kids. To get revenge. For Putin sleeping with her.

“I AM THE HAND OF JESUS!” says JFK.

The song ends.

E1M1 – At Dooms Gate by FamilyJules plays.

Jack hallucinates that his hand has turned into a giant penis. A giant penis that will work like a…controller…in a video game. He imagines bringing revenge to her via her children.

“Revenge for what!?” says the CIA.

“To help you defeat Putin.” says JFK.

“So you’re going to try to kidnap her kids…to get us…revenge? Because Putin slept with her?” says the CIA.

“Yes! It’s WAR!” says JFK. “He is a playboy. Like me. A player. …Game meet hand!”

“So…how does this help us Jack?” says a reader.

“Hold on!” says JFK. “I found a child molester in Minnesota nearby.”

“Jack! HOW DOES THIS HELP US!?” yells an American reader.

“I AM ON A MISSION!” says JFK.

“Jack…let’s not!” says an American reader.

“WE PREFER TO NOT BE NUKED DUDE!” says an American reader.

Rip & Tear by Mick Gordon plays.

“Fine. Then I get a shooter. We SHOOT THEM!” says JFK.

The song plays.

“I FOUND A LADY WITH A GUN IN HER PURSE!” says JFK.

He tries to tempt her to shoot Lacey’s kids and her husband.

She’s weirded out by it.

3:33

JFK starts jumping up and down.

“Help me. I do not know what to do!!!” he screams in terror.

And as the song ends he’s sucked back in time…where he still exists.

“I keep using Christians to resurrect him.” says Satan. “It doesn’t last long. But he’s in the present for a few minutes.”

“You know…I wish somebody would have some common sense and try to figure out whether or not there’s reincarnation because if there is I very easily could actually be Alexei Romanov and Lacey is an aristocrat and always has been one. I don’t think you people have any empathy for that at all.” says Vladimir Putin.

Lacey eats.

“What is it that she did that was so offensive?” says Tsar Putin.

“She just has more perfume than most people, and it was starting to annoy me.” says a perfume collector.

“Yes…but there are people with hundreds and hundreds possibly thousands of bottles of perfume all new in air-conditioned rooms. They’re very common on Instagram right now. How does my 500 bottle collection that I keep in a safe spot intimidate you. It is 500 bottles or so. Yeah…that’s a lot but there are people with enormous collections that are all very neatly organized in temperature controlled, light controlled rooms. I don’t understand why you would think that my collection is so upsetting.” says Lacey.

“Oh, because you’re not that special!” says the perfume collector to Lacey. “I psychically read that your mother doesn’t love you and that you’re ugly fucking bitch!” 

“My mother actually doesn’t love me…but I’m not an ugly fucking bitch..and I don’t really see why my mother not loving me would have anything to do with whether or not I would be able to own a perfume collection.” says Lacey, laughing.

“This doesn’t make sense but I have a feeling someone is actually thinking this. Let me explain what I think they’re trying to say. You’re not lovable.” says a European perfume collector.

“That is psychotic bullshit. I am lovable and again I don’t see why that has anything to do with Perfume. You’re not explaining anything.” says Lacey.

“You guys honestly I think we stepped in it. I think this blog could be real and I really think people are incredibly sadistic in relation to her but I don’t think they realize how stupid they are and so they end-up just making total jackasses of themselves.” says Dmitry. 

“That’s it I confess I put a curse on her so that she have sex with Vladimir Putin back in the 1930s. That’s right Lem you’re supposed to break the cost while you are life you never did that and so now she have sex with Find My Putin, most likely yes Vladimir Putin specifically she supposed to have sex with him but I didn’t think it would matter because I thought big difference it’s a future thing it won’t matter anyway. It probably won’t even happen because of Jesus Christ.” says JFK laughing.

“I am ready to confess.” says a perfume collector.

“Jack Kennedy you and your family ruined America!” says a reader.

“I have a hatred for you that I avoid because I’m jealous of your superiority. It’s not just that you collect more perfume it’s that you know what you’re doing. You know how to take the picture, you know how to say things to sound sophisticated because you actually are sophisticated in a way that I’m not. And I just I think people get sick of feeling inferior in relation to you.” says a perfume collector to Lacey.

“So you all sacrificed me because I made you beautiful pictures and put effort in and you just couldn’t get off on a narcissistic high in relation to me?” says Lacey.

“I might not figure that out either to be perfectly honest with you. You people are impossible to deal with!” says Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“I do have a superior ability to do things because I’m literally a genius from an upper class Old Money family and I have great artistic ability. That’s just reality. And I don’t understand what the fuck it is you people want from me.” says Lacey.

“I just assumed that you would be nice after we told you that.” says a reader.

“Why the fuck would I be nice!? Who the fuck are you all!? Jesus fucking Christ!?” screams Lacey.

“Do you mean like are we Jesus Christ like you should be nice to us are you saying that we think we’re Jesus Fucking Christ?” says a perfume collector.

“No I think you’re all delusional. You have an unbelievable amount of arrogance coming at me like you think you’re the fucking Holy Spirit throwing stones at me for being mildly upsetting to you. You fucking live my life YOU DOG!

You fucking live my life! You fucking dog!” yells Lacey. “No…you’re so-you’re so fucking self-righteous with your homosexuality. You’re such fucking imbeciles! You have no fucking clue! My husband was not gay! And you’re not better than me just because you stick your dick up some man’s asshole you fucking nitwit!” yells Lacey.

“I think you think we’re not really men!” says a gay man.

“No I think you’re men! I just think you’re disappointed that you can suck cock and not magically be more sexy and intelligent and superior in relation to me.

Oh you think you have it all fucking figured out! You’ll suck a cock and then you make me jealous!? How the fuck are you supposed be making me jealous!? I don’t want the man you suck you fucking jackass nitwits!” yells Lacey.

“I can’t stand being beneath you! I just can’t stand it. You’re right. I just can’t stand being not as good as you in my mind. I just can’t handle it. I just literally go insane.” say all living gay men to Lacey.

“Do you have any idea why?” says Lacey.

“And I don’t understand who the hell you are and I can’t fathom it. It’s just like I cannot wrap my brain around the concept of you at all.” say most living gay men to Lacey.

“I can’t figure out and so I think I begin being narcissistic slightly and evil and I start filling in the gaps with bullshit and then people play with my head who are dead and alive and I start thinking stupid stuff.” says a living gay man in the perfume community.

“Yeah, do you understand why she’s hurt?” says Tsar Putin.

“I guess because she just probably was thinking I might be not like a friend but kind of like a friend.” says a gay perfume collector.

“Yeah I think you’re cruel. I think you know how lonely I am, but I think it makes you really happy to reject me in an incredibly sadistic way and then you tell me things like, ‘Oh you’re better than me.’ after eight years and then I’m supposed to feel sorry for you. I do feel bad but I don’t feel good about pitying you too much because I don’t think that’s good for you because it seems to me like what you’re doing is very evil.” says Lacey.

“Are you a very mild mannered person?” he says.

“Yes, she is extremely mild mannered!” says Lem.

“So to you, we must seem insane?” he says.

“Yes. I don’t- It’s insane. I just it-It’s very-it’s very hard to handle.” says Lacey.

“But you would never tell anyone that!” he says.

“Where are you going with this? No she would never tell anyone that because she’s a nice person. Where are you going with this!?” says Lem.

“I don’t know.

So you were actually a straight guy who genuinely thought he was gay and totally fucked up his entire life because it never really works…and you seriously just totally got confused?” he says to Lem.

“If by confused, you mean that I thought I was gay and then, when I was old, I realized that my life was a total flop, and I killed myself then yes.” says Lem.

“Do you actually like Mind Games perfume?” he asks Lacey.

“I do but I’m a little suspicious of it but I do like it.” says Lacey.

“I don’t like it.” he says.

“You know that’s a trick that you all play on me constantly and I’m quite sick of it. Why the fuck am I supposed to care?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. I don’t. I don’t like it.” he says.

“Why!?” says Lacey.

“Because it’s just so- To me it is off-putting. It’s like there’s like nothing to it.” he says.

“I have a noticed- I know what you mean but I find that when I’m really anxious and I wear it it has a sort of calming effect because at first it’s very quiet but then over time it sort of develops but very slowly and very politely. I just, I can’t figure out if it’s good formula or bad formula. Some perfumes I actually am not convinced are safe to wear because I feel like there’s something in them that might not actually be good for us. Some niche perfumes feel a little too toxic to me and I can’t figure out what it is. It’s in them but I can figure something it out. They’re not all like that, but a few of them are and so I don’t wear them and I can’t figure out if Mind Games is one of them or not.” says Lacey.

He walks away.

“How did I offend him?” says Lacey.

“I agree!” says Putin.

They eat Cincinnati chili on spaghetti together.

Later.

“You ever wish she had bigger tits?” says JFK to Putin.

“No.” says Putin.

“Oh, really how do you motorboat those?” says JFK.

“What is motor boating anyway. I’ve never been able to figure it out because the propeller goes round and around and that isn’t motorboating. I’ve done that with Lacey but we’ve never motorboated.” says Lem.

“I mean you either know what it is or you don’t.” says JFK.

“I mean that is frustrating because I don’t know what it means and neither does she and nobody will tell either one of us and I’m not sure Vladimir knows either.” says Lem.

“What is the idea?” says a Russian.

“It’s totally unclear. It seems like men in America motorboat women’s breasts. It’s like they make this buzzing sound, and then they sort of flop their head around. A woman’s breasts would have to be very close together.” says Lem. 

“We could make them that way!” says a Russian man.

“Yes but that’s not what’s indicated. The man that told us about this, I am a ghost remember, described it without any hand gestures just a lot of shaking of his head and the sound of a motorboat.” says Lem laughing.

“No…it’s-it’s just that you-you-you were supposed to like make that sound, yeah you’re doing that shit-“ says an American man.

“No I’m not! I don’t make motorboat sounds during sex. Why would you make the sound of a boat during sex?” says Lem.

“But really a motor? No, I mean that sounds like a horror film.” says Lacey.

“It’s not that great!” says Putin. He looked it up.

“Then why did they make such a big deal out of it?” says Lacey.

“To seem cool.” says Putin.

Lacey thinks. “NO I CAN’T STAND IT!” she says.

“I agree.” says Putin.

“Lacey…who told you that!?” says Lem.

“Alex.” says Lacey.

“He was trying to be complicated.” says Lem.

Lacey’s too upset to respond.

“She wasn’t just saying that you two are attracted to each other. And it’s unbearable. She’s saying this whole thing is unbearable. And actually…she is with me…which makes your attraction to each other even more…painful.” says Lem. “I did look gay. But not really. It was an act.”

“I look gay. But…then when you really look…you can tell. …I really was straight.” says Lem.

“OH!” says Putin. “Oh no. Lem. I can’t.”

“You have to really look.” says Lem.

“I’m too…” says Putin.

“THEN WHAT IS THIS!?? Last night I almost made love with Lacey. And you got offended. You got hurt! I know you got hurt. …How do you reason that through??” yells Lem.

“I was actually straight. My eyes look gay. But…I’m straight.

Vladimir, Your Royal Highness, what do you want from me!? …I was straight. And I’d like to make love to my wife. It’s been a while. And it’s…not as if I’m dying. But…she could.” says Lem.

He thinks. “Are you threatening me?”

“HARDLY!” says Lem. “I’d just like to know why you don’t pursue her…if you’re so damn in love.”

“Marriage is out of the question.” says Tsar Putin.

“WHY!??” says Lem. “WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TOLERATE THAT!?”

“Are you holding me hostage or does he not care?” asks Lacey.

September by Wallerstedt plays.

“I don’t…care enough.” he says.

“Well…then. Why were you so damn hurt when I almost made love to Lacey last night?” asks Lem.

“Because I was!” says Tsar Putin.

“It wasn’t a narcissistic insult. I NEED HER!” yells Lem.

“YOU DON’T NEED HER!!” yells Bobby and JFK.

“NO! I DO!!” yells Lem.

“SHIT!!!” yells Putin.

“Yeah. I’m on to you.

You do care…you liar! You’re madly in love with my wife. But you had and have no intentions to do anything about it.

So…what are you planning to do? Let it eat you up inside?” says Lem.

Putin thinks.

“Look…I admire you. But…I really was straight.” says Lem.

“Look at me. You think I’m straight. Then you look at my hands and think I’m gay. But look at me! I’m straight. It’s there. …And you know what…it’s CREEPY.

Because…it means she’s partially dead.” says Lem. “Why are you torturing yourself with her?”

“Because she’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman.” he says.

“But you’re not going to ever see her now? Or what?” says Lem.

“The war isn’t about me. Or is it?” says Lacey.

“It is. In part.” says Putin.

“Then…why aren’t you with her right now?” says Lem.

Putin thinks. “Are you warning me?”

“Yes. …She’s…okay. But my daughter did almost die again. And there have been numerous close calls. …I’m DYING INSIDE FOR HER. To join me. And our kids. …And I’m just trying to find out how…hurt you’ll be. Because I care about your country.” says Lem.

“So you can touch her?” says Putin.

“I can. And do. It’s quite different than what people might imagine. It’s…been mocked. But…it’s real. …But it’s not good enough. And I need her here.” says Lem. “I need to completely experience her. And I need her to completely experience me. Look…I can’t let you stumble in war. Nor can I let her get hurt. …Are you torturing yourself? Or what?”

“I’m…in love. But I have no intention to marry her.” says Putin.

“But what if she dies!??” yells Lem.

Princess Kate freaks out.

“Is it possible you might be suicidal if she dies?” says Lem. “I’m WORRIED.”

“I’m still waiting for you to all realize that this is real.” says God.

September by Sparky Deathcap plays.

“So you’re telling me that this isn’t working?” says Putin.

“She’s so close to death. And Jack is in intense denial. Because he’s essentially destroyed her life…my life…and- I want to know if you’re his ally…or mine!?” says Lem.

September by Wallerstedt plays.

“Lem what is she dying from?” says a reader.

“A psychic killing.” says Lem. “Don’t worry. You’ll win Ukraine. Hopefully. But you aren’t my friend…if you don’t care.”

“Melania can’t be bothered. And neither can Vladdy.” says Lacey. “Or so it seems.”

“You all are getting so damn high off a false sense of superiority.” says Lem. “Just because you can…doesn’t mean you are.”

“You’re an elite coven.” says Lacey. “That’s all.”

September by Wallerstedt plays.

Sex with Tsar Vladimir Putin is awe-inspiring. He’s a genius. …But why wouldn’t he be?

The song ends.

September (slowed + reverb) by Wallerstedt plays.

A brilliant…sensitive…profound man…is bound to be great in bed. Especially when he’s handsome and real.

Lacey did not have sex with Vladimir Putin last night. But she has. And he is…awe-inspiring.

“America? Why?” says Anthony from Hotel Impossible.

Why doesn’t America have crowned prince? Well…we just don’t. …I suppose we didn’t want that. Huh…

But the thing is…we don’t have one. And so this morning…as we sit down with US military officials…and the sexy, dashing, amazing Tsar Vladimir Putin…I call him a TSAR. A CZAR.

Why do I call him a tsar? BECAUSE HE IS ONE. In my estimation. …And tsars…are tsars. And…I’m not Russian. And…because of my freedom of free speech as an American…I can say it. I can call PUTIN….A TSAR.

Of course…he wouldn’t call himself that. That’s not who he is…right now at least. And out of respect for him…I respect him. But…I am in AMERICA. And so I will call him a tsar.

And from that position of power for the US I will now moderate their discussion.

“What exactly is it you fools want from him?” I say.

Putin laughs.

“We think his mummy should go home.” says a US military hack.

“Nope.” says Lacey. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m too damn stubborn.” She winks at them, viciously.

Her breakfast is served to her. At her very private club where she wears a sample of Mind Games Gambit. Although she’ll never buy it. Because they made it into a man’s fragrance for players. And *she laughs* that’s simply not who she is.

“We don’t know how to end the war in Russia.” says the U.S.

“Why are WE ENDING THE WAR!?” says Elliott Roosevelt.

“Yes. Why are we ending it?” says Lacey.

“Look you wanted to fight a war. Cool. We appreciate that. …But wars are…bad.” says an American man in the US military stupidly and condescendingly to Putin.

“I don’t understand what you want me to do!” says Alexei, like a kid in a Macaulay Caulkin movie.

“We want you to end the war! NOW!” says the US.

“No can do. Suckers.” says Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“Geez!! That KID! That little prick!!” says the US. “MAN, I’m starting to lose my shit!”

“Look…you want it your way…and I want it mine.” says Putin. He shrugs. “We can negotiate. But ahh…I’ve got nukes.”

“YOU DO. Do you know how to use them?” says the US.

“YUP! Sure do!” says North Korea.

“How’d you get all of your power anyway? You stupid little kid.” says the US to Tsar Vladimir Putin.

North Korea considers genuinely explaining. But then realizes that’s stupid. Cuts himself off. Awkwardly.

“Look! He’s a smart kid! Give him a chance.” says Iran.

“To DO WHAT!?” says the US. “You can’t expect us to let him run the world!”

“Gee. Why not?” says China.

“Because!! WE’RE RUNNING THE WORLD!” says the US.

“Says who!??” yells Syria.

“US!!” yells the US. “Hey! That was cool. Did you see what I did there? US? U. S.?”

“Okay…so…you have a desire to run the world. And so does Tsar Putin.

My goodness.

Can you boys work it out?” says Lacey.

“No! Because he wants Ukraine.” says Malaysia. “And the US doesn’t like that!”

“Is that really true though?” says Lacey.

The US looks baffled.

“So did you two actually have sex as May and Alexei?” asks the US.

Putin thinks. “How old was she?”

“She was about 16 years older than you.” says an American pedophile, kindly.

Putin lays with a riffle on a dewy country estate. In Russia. In 1930. Starring up at the cloudy sky. Did he make love to May? Or not?

“So I’m 40…and she’s 56? Or I’m 30…and- No…she’s…46? But she’s May.” he says.

He sits up.

September by Wallerstedt plays.

He thinks. “Maybe. But…she’s with Lem. And…he’s Billy. So…

But…our souls are the same age anyway. Somehow.

I was brutally assassinated after being tortured you know? I wasn’t shot in a parade in my honor. In a sports-car. I was shot in…a basement.” says Putin.

He fires shots into the air.

“Sorry to scare you.” he says.

“Let’s work with him!” says JD Vance. “Let’s try to work with him.”

“No!” says Putin. “I WILL NOT WORK WITH TRAITORS!!” he shouts, like a handsome, dashing real gentleman.

“He doesn’t have to.” says China.

“Alright. Alexei…” starts King Charles III.

“Be careful. You’re not Russian!” yells Lacey.

“But they were quiet, meek, gentle people!” says King Charles III, mocking himself.

“Yes! Very quiet. Very…poor and dull?” says Lacey.

“They weren’t.” says Lem.

“I barely understand Russia.” admits King Charles III.

“It’s WILD.” says Lacey. “It’s a bit like England. But WILD.”

“You’re rich!” says King Charles III to Alexei.

“Yes.” says Tsar Putin.

“Gosh…we aren’t.” says King Charles III. “And that’s our problem, Alexei. We just aren’t.”

The song ends.

The Olympic Spirit by John Williams plays.

“Oh. So you’re selling children…to host the Olympics?” says Russia.

“Dammit.” says Great Britain.

Putin laughs. “What!? It’s true!” he says.

“FUCK!” says King Charles III, in some agreement with Putin.

Lacey laughs.

“See…it’s just…weird. And obviously wrong.” says Lacey.

Putin laughs. “Look…Charles…I do sympathize. Of course! …But…well…I can’t…surrender my morals. For your budgetary…needs.”

Charles laughs.

“We aren’t that bad off!” says Charles III to Alexei.

The song ends.

“No. But…the Olympic snub? Really? You don’t think that bothers me!?” says Putin.

Charles sighs.

“I’m sorry.” Queen Elizabeth II says to her son.

Compass and Guns by Thomas Newman plays.

“Look…I think Great Britain was the greatest nation in the world.” says Lacey to King Charles III. “And in a way…it still is. Maybe.

But…we can’t sort things out the way we want. Not anymore.

I would let him have Ukraine. It actually makes…Hungary safer for us. And Greece. Even Germany feels safer. As does China. Gosh! The world feels safer.

But…we are in debt…if only in our minds…to the United States. And so we have to…not arbitrate. But just listen.

Except…I’m not British. Or am I?” says Lacey.

“Why is Ukraine really essential!?” says Norway.

“It’s about honor? Non! Because they’re selling children into horror-slavery. …THEY ARE SELLING PEOPLE. …And yes…it’s below the table. But I refuse to think that’s acceptable.

So…if we’re being honest…the honor of the United Nations, and NATO and all those other shit-organizations that barely ever did anything anyway…is null and void.” says Lacey. “So…the idea that Ukraine has to be a country? It’s archaic.” says Lacey.

“YOU ARE RIGHT!” yells Turkey.

“But then how do we hold it all together?” says King Charles III.

“Well…how was it staying together?” says Lacey. “OIL. Goods. Sex. Hollywood. Tourism. …Money!

The Global Warming Index, we’ll call it, is too high. It’s affecting our psychology.

NATO and all those type of things…were only effective…because of oil, money, guns and Twinkies. Without them…who really gives a damn?” says Lacey.

“This is getting too meta!” says Mark Zuckerberg, jokingly.

“Except not for me. Nor for Tsar Putin.” says Lacey.

“You know…we barely were involved in NATO.” says Syria.

“Right! You’re such fakers. Such players.” says Lacey to the West. “Except…I know Charles loves Camilla. He’d like to be a tampon in her vagina. Really. He would. My gosh! No…that is real love. Real love.

So…that’s hopeful.

But then…what then?” says Lacey.

Charles sighs.

“NATO means something to these people.” he says to Lacey.

“AHH!!! But we’re not colonialists? We’re not…anti-pluralists? We BELIEVE in pluralism? So…why does Syria…not matter?” asks Lacey. “What a beautiful name. Syria.”

The Farm by Thomas Newman plays.

“Ukraine is most likely toast!” says Lacey. “If we’re being honest. You can’t ‘kill Christ’ to appease an Iranian mayor in London…and then get off on Christ a year later. He’s rotting. With maggots.”

“Right. So…how exactly do you expect to win?” asks a group of Muslims in London. “I’m not ENGLISH. ARE YOU BLIND!?”

Japan runs and hides as The Magnificent Seven plays.

Lacey laughs.

“Actually she’s right. We can’t both do pluralism and tolerance and racism.” says a Jew in London.

“DEMOCRACY!” shouts America. “It’s not racism! We’re spreading DEMOCRACY!!!”

They ride in on cowboys, who ride on horses. With lots of guns.

“At least they still have the clothes, guns, and horses!” says Japan. “Jack must not have been into Westerns. At least not in the right way.”

The song ends. Gloriously. In Red Wing, Minnesota.

“So! Then what…do we do?” asks Lacey.

“She’s right.” says Abu Dhabi.

“We’ve spread pedophilia everywhere!” says an evil psychopathic American.

“Ahh…yah! The ‘normal people’ who are supposed to care…are braindead, useless, nothings. Who have been vaccinated into Bobby’s World. Of nothingness. They didn’t get ‘the jab’ but they did get fooled into believing it was sexy and cool to try to molest your kids and call it sex. And now they’re too weak and zombie-like to care?! And possibly drive safely.” says Lacey. “Except Thanksgiving is nice. On safe lead-free plates. So…we don’t want to ruin the fun for actual normal people. So I guess we can’t pull that lever and start thousands of mass car accidents yet.” says Lacey to someone.

The Mission Theme by John Williams plays.

“So…why does your NATO matter!?” asks all of Islam.

“OH! NATO matters because…a menage a trois with a dog, a cat and a fat man in a basement…is a great way to kick off the Olympics. FOR THE SAKE OF FREEDOM FRIES!” says Lacey.

2:46

“Fine. I’ll surrender.” says Putin. “YOU GOT ME!”

The song ends.

“Did we get ‘em? With the cool music?!? And the concept of Freedom Fries!??” says this American man, who looked like this as a little boy:

“YEAH! YOU WON!!!” says Lacey, humoring them in jest.

They cheer.

“Gee…Timmy…wow.” says a dead dad (also humoring their American children.)

Bugler’s Dream and Olympic Fanfare Medley plays as Lacey stands in for Lem. Handing out gold medals.

0:59

Except…then she ties nooses around everyone’s necks. Just to keep track of them.

“You’ve actually put a noose spiritually around everyone alive?” says Syria to Lacey.

“Yes! I’ve actually done that several times. Or a couple. Absolutely.” says Lacey.

“Oh! How clever!” says King Charles III.

“It’s between me and God. So I’m not terribly worried.” says Lacey.

She yawns as the song ends.

“Christ?” says the Duke of Kent.

“Yes!!” says Lacey.

“Oh. Sounds very British.” he says.

Colonel Bogey March as played by The Boston Pops Orchestra plays.

“It might be.” says Lacey.

“They’re right. If it’s racism…call it that.” says Syria. “At least you can still hold a sane conversation that way.”

“I AGREE!” says Lacey.

2:43

“So do I!” says Putin.

The song ends.

Service Medley – Armed Forces Medley as performed by the U.S. Coast Guard Band plays.

“Ahh…but…as the pluralists know…Syria might not be stupid.” says Lacey.

“So…you feel superior to dark people. But you also…respect them?” says a reader to the Duke of Kent.

“YIP. …I do. Possibly somewhat.

I don’t think I’m superior enough to harm them. Necessarily. But I do…feel…quite genetically superior. Yes! And you know…maybe I am.” he says.

“Well…we feel superior to you.” says Africa.

Shake Your Groove Thing by Peaches & Herb plays.

“Nah. Lem can fuck to that.” says Lacey.

“But he done said he was a little nigger.” says a Black man in Africa.

Lacey thinks.

“So can I!” says the Duke of Kent.

Africa laughs. “Fine. Maybe y’all bleached niggers.”

“They aren’t niggers. And you are darker.” says Lacey to Africa.

“True.” says Africa. “They’re Black men in their hearts? Or…we all are a little.”

“Actually I thought we originated in Persia?” says Lacey.

Africa laughs.

“I’m just not convinced we were all from Africa. I could be wrong. But I really had it in my head we were from Iraq. Or somewhere near there.” says Lacey.

“We could be. …And then we mostly immigrated to Africa?” says an African to Lacey.

“Maybe.” says another African.

“Listen…Lem’s virility is…a fascinating topic. But…we have a war to settle. Or fight.” says Lacey.

“I just don’t think we’re inferior.” says Syria.

“How would we be able to fully concede that? It’s not safe.” says Lacey.

“You’re right!” says Syria.

“You might be superior to us. …Although I genuinely do doubt it. The Duke of Kent probably could and maybe still can dance.” says Lacey.

“Fair!” says Syria.

“So…NATO.” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Syria. “We’re not allowed in.”

More Than A Woman by the Bee Gees plays.

“Oh! Right! Damn.” says Lacey. “Oh. …So whatchu in for?”

“Human RIGHTS!” says Syria.

“That’s what I thought.” says Lacey. “Why you do that?”

“To repress my own people.” says Syria.

“Did you spank ‘em’?” says Lacey.

Syria laughs. “No! We shot them!”

“And beat them?” says Lacey.

“Sometimes.” says Syria.

“What I can’t stand is how stupid the US is on this issue. I think like a Brit not a fucking dumbass from Hellville. Why were you beating your people? I wish I knew. I’m sorry I don’t.” says Lacey to Syria.

“Because…well no you you probably know why, because they were acting up. *Syria laughs* No we didn’t spank them. I think Americans might think of us as some sort of evil parent who’s over-spanking our children.” 

“Yes, exactly!

No it was because they were they were essentially acting-up.

Yes I know you’re just trying to maintain power over your country!

And unless if people wanna turn the entire world into some sort of mass Irish-paradise-anarchy-world and totally dismantle all of our monetary systems…we do have to see that Syria may actually be within the grounds of real human rights in shooting and beating their own people. …They’re not shooting and beating our people they’re shooting and beating their own people and obviously we may have some contentions. We may have some issues with it…but you have to recall that we’re doing that through Christ and our view of the world through Christianity.

If that’s not the stance you want to take, that it’s through Christ, that we’re taking them on…then in all actuality the human rights offenses that we claim that they’re doing are in this specific case possibly nonsense. So you can’t think like a dumbass from Boston who wanted to make Lem Billings gay and was worried about over-spanking his kids. You have to think like an actual intellectual.” says Lacey.

“Ahh…I’m starting to think JD and Usha are actually just American-pseudo-credential idiots.” says a reader.

Just The Two of Us by Grover Washington, Jr. plays.

“So…you probably should be in NATO. Or someone needs to explain what the point of NATO really is?” says Lacey to Syria.

Charles III laughs.

“It might be racist.” says King Charles III.

“It probably is.” says Lacey.

Syria nods.

“They do keep Africa poor using NATO. But we’ve always looked the other way.” says King Charles III.

“Well! How do you think I feel about that!?” says Russia. “It’s my hood.”

“SHIT!” says King Charles III.

“Yeah. …So…that’s the trouble. NATO has the whole world in a stranglehold.” says Lacey. “And who controls NATO? The American middle class. Mostly the American Upper Middle Class.”

Love Song for a Savior as performed by Chi Rho plays.

“So let’s let JD Vance explain…to Syria why it can’t get into NATO because it refuses to suck Jesus’s cock!” says Lacey. “Or let’s let Kamala make jokes.”

“Make a joke Kamala!” says Syria.

“I don’t. You bow! Because I’m rich. And you’re a poor-ass darkie country.” says Vice President Kamala Harris to Syria.

“I think on behalf of the Old Money upper class as much as that that’s an interesting position to take Kamala, because in reality that is the stance you’re taking, I would really prefer having JD Vance explain instead to Syria why they can’t join NATO because they refuse to suck Jesus’s cock. What’s wrong with Jesus’s cock. He’s perfectly fine! It’s nice! It’s probably circumcised! I’m sure he keeps clean. He probably kept kosher maybe not but maybe… Umm no actually I think he probably did because he hadn’t died yet, so I have a feeling he probably did keep kosher so he’s kosher, he’s clean, circumcised. He was probably a very nice man! Very handsome. Why won’t you play Snickle with him?” says Paula Baker to Syria.

“Well because He’s- We could probably play Snickle with him except based on the premise of Christianity-

No I’m just saying we would probably be very willing to play Snickle with Him but the problem is Paula: He is supposed to be half God and so our people find that abhorrent because you’re not supposed to suck the cock of God, essentially. Or rather, let’s see, because He’s the Son of God so you’re not supposed to suck God’s Son’s cock because He would be half God and so the part of Him that’s God probably doesn’t want to have His cock sucked by a human such as myself or be fucked in the ass. So that would be our contention with allowing Him to join us in a game of Snickle.” says Syria.

“I don’t know! I kind of think maybe He would kinda want to have his ass smacked and fucked tehee.” says a gay male perfume collector.

“Oh geez, you think Jesus would like to get fucked by you? Why is that honey cakes?” says Lacey.

“Hey…listen to the lyrics of that song! Prince Charles has a right to know! Hey, Prince Charles, do you know about Jesus?” yells America.

“Everyone needs Jesus! Listen to the lyrics of the song bitch and put out!” says Lacey jokingly to Syria.

“I’’m sorry that is very compelling. And he’s circumcised! Sounds like he’s a real…real fun guy! Better indeed! But…I don’t think…even so…that my people would want to play Snickle with a man who is also half God.” says Syria.

“But NATO insists that you have to. Yeah Saint Jack Kennedy came from a very common family in a way. There are lots of a cannibalistic back-alley-cocksuckers who invented NATO. So shit…I’m sorry you have to suck Jesus‘s cock if you want to join NATO.

I’m only joking, obviously, but I’m just explain.” says Lacey to Syria.

“What does it mean to suck Jesus‘s cock, Lacey?” asks Syria.

September by Wallerstedt plays.

“I imagine it’s a bit like sucking Lem’s cock. Which I’ve done many times. Except…IT IS SUCKING LEM’S COCK FOR ME.” says Lacey, with melancholy. “God created sex. …And that’s where I’m a bit more like you. Than them. THANK GOD. …I feel very sorry for them. But we have to deal with them. Because they took over the world damn world through America.”

“Are you fools?” Lem says to Islam.

“No. Cowards?” says Islam.

“Then you’re cowards.

Except Tsar Vladimir Putin doesn’t feel that way. Does he?” says Lacey to Islam.

“No. I have to work with them.” says Putin.

“Then what are they after? Because…if they slit your throat…you die.” says Lacey. “But all it proves…is that the world has become too worthless to live in.”

“Cowards. That’s enough.” says American Muslim. “It’s enough.”

“It is. If you’re angry enough about millions of children being sent to living Hell…a Hell they’ve been brainwashed into thinking is eternal…thanks to quack atheism. And don’t tell me there’s no way out. I already know. What’s done is done! You’ve sent millions of children to living HELL. HELL.” says Lacey.

“To host the Olympics!” says Alexei Romanov.

“Yeah. I agree!” says Syria. “PRAISE GOD!”

“That isn’t REAL!” says Islam to the children being molested through Christ. “It’s not real sex. You’re being very confused.”

“And you thought America wasn’t the Great Satan!” says Iran to Lacey.

“It’s not. I’ve checked. Satan is Satan.” says Lacey.

“So what do we do with NATO?” asks King Charles III.

“What do I want to do with it?” asks Tsar Putin.

“Trash it?” says King Charles III.

“They’ll lose it. They’ll never…understand.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. BRICS.” says Putin.

“How bad is that for the British really?” says Lacey to Great Britain.

“Not bad.” says Prince William.

“Then why not do it?” says Lacey. “I don’t think Syria can possibly be expected to play Snickle with Jesus. At the very least!”

“But then NATO is a nothing and a nobody!?” says India.

“Well…everyone else will be fine.” says Lacey.

“I’m not…going to war.” says Jonah Wiley. “YOU CANNOT MAKE ME!!”

“Yeah. It’s an American thing…after all.” says India.

“Whores.” says Lacey. “Violently social climbing whores. Thank God I only inherited my mother’s…

Actually what did I inherit from her?”

“Not us! She means Margy.” say the Seays.

“She’s barely like her, at all.” says Tom Banks. “We’ve extensively checked.”

“What happens to The United Nations?” asks the US.

“As Kofi.” says Lacey. “Or tell the United Nations to suck Jack Kennedy’s cock harder. And harder. He’s in a very bad mood. And he NEEDS to cum. NOW!”

We Are The Children by U. S. A. for Africa plays.

“If you don’t mind…I’d like to be left out of this.” says a little redheaded Irish boy.

“That kid is crying. Because he’s sick of being your beard.” says Lacey to the Kennedys. “Your beard for real evil. He looks like a cute, lovable version of Jack Schlossberg and JFK. And Joe II. WHY…are you all thee white peoples. THEE white peoples? …Why is the white boy Jack Kennedy bullying a poor Irish boy?”

Love Song For a Savior plays as Jack Schlossberg and Joe II use their ugly overly structured faces and scrawny-ass bodies to try to seduce Syria, Libya and Nepal into sucking Jesus’s cock.

“Leave me out! My mother wasn’t a total bitch. So I’m kinda good looking.” says Joe Kennedy III or II or whatever it even is.

“I thought you were II?” says Lacey.

“So you really actually can almost guarantee that you saw a number II next to my father’s name somewhere on the Internet?” says Joe III.

“Yes, you changed it to try to trick me or you changed it because you knew that what I was saying made sense and if you did, I bet I have screenshots somewhere to prove that. That being said, I’m almost positive if you didn’t change it at some point yes I did see the number one not two next to your father’s name, and it was very offensive but-but if you fixed it or if I simply was being misled somehow I’m not an idiot I’m sorry. And I think you still would like to think I am one but I’m not. So there is an intentional misunderstanding or you fixed it then?

Yes he is handsome. He’s not as good-looking as my supposed second cousin but Joe you are good-looking, so I guess we’ll just have to leave you out of it. And I have to think that has something to do with your mother. I’m sorry that would be Sheila who I’m referring to because your father is not that good-looking. He’s kind of icky looking. Your great uncle was handsome, your grandfather was handsome. Your father is sort of handsome and sort of icky looking so I have to think it’s your mother’s doing that you’re not quite as ugly as your second cousin, Jack Schlossberg.” says Lacey to Joe Kennedy III or Joe Kennedy II.

In The Light by DC Talk plays instead. For Jack Schlossberg. Not because Joe III (?) is safe or good…but because we’re going for the JFK experience. The full-throttle Range Rover overdrive.

In The Light by DC Talk plays as Jack Schlossberg poses and JFK twerks in a black glitter thong.

“Honesty becomes me.” says JFK.

“What’s going on inside you?” asks Lacey.

“I want to be. I want to be. IN THE LIGHT.” says Japan mockingly of its own evil.

The song starts over.

“Wow!!!” says Lacey.

Y.M.C.A by Village People plays.

“Jack. Why did you put your clothes back on?” asks an average looking Black male exotic dancer.

0:32

“I’m just…not sure.” says JFK.

1:13

“I like my clothes.” says JFK, shrugging.

“Jack…we don’t do that. They wanna see your cock. In Snickle. That’s the whole point.” says the Iranian.

“I don’t place nickel. I don’t place nickel I’m a Christian.” says Jack Kennedy in a Japanese accent.

“But Jack, if you want to convince the world community that we shouldn’t just use a lot of other currencies or rely on something other than the US Dollar then you’re gonna have to place nickel.” says an Iranian woman.

“I see what you’re doing. You’re talking about nickel and iron all.” says JFK, who refuses to take off his clothes.

“Jack I’ve seen you having sex with men. I’ve seen you many times manifesting Lem’s demon impersonator and trying to have anal sex with him at a lot of Illuminati parties. I’ve seen you do that…and you’re both naked. I’ve seen you dress in a thong and take it off to try to seduce people in Parliament. I’ve seen you try to seduce Joe Biden but I don’t understand why you can’t just take your clothes off right now and help the US government.” says an Iranian woman.

“You know why! You are lying pig! And lying DOG!” says JFK, in a sad quiet voice.

“Jack, you just don’t want us to see what you look like naked because then you have to admit that Lem was probably straight and that you’re crazy for thinking he was in love with you at all…but you know sweetie I think you could just kind of think about Jackie and the fact that she thought you were attractive naked…and then just sort of leave it at that.” says an American female exotic dancer to JFK. 

“I’m sorry I don’t think I have what it takes. So I think we have to send in my son. They say he’s sexy hot man on People magazine.” says JFK.

“It’s a matter of inches.” jokes Zelda. “Many inches!”

“Oh well. Maybe Iran will take the hard sell.” says Lacey.

“Did it! Done it!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Well I don’t feel comfortable masturbating in public. Sorry I feel kind of awkward about that.” says Jack Schlossberg.

Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey plays.

“That’s OK Jack. JFK Junior already masturbated in front of everyone so you can just stand there with your clothes off and make poses for now.” says a female American exotic dancer. 

“When does Jesus show up?” jokes Iran.

“He doesn’t you’re supposed to-You’re supposed to suck their cock and then through Allah you suck Jesus or possibly through Jesus in Jack Schlossberg’s heart you suck Jesus.” says Lacey.

“But that’s not Jesus though Lacey.” says Iran.

“No it’s not and obviously you and I both know that that’s not really what the Christian people think. But I didn’t wanna have to bring out the big show.” says Lacey.

“I want to see the big show.” says a Muslim man in Africa. 

3:00

“OK fine we can do the big show.” says Lacey.

The song ends.