A reader: Are you sure we understand what Lacey was actually thinking and feeling the whole time? …We obviously felt bad for Casi, and all the other people who were involved. But…what actually happened?
A hater: You’re out of luck. I already know.
A reader: No way that’s true.
We truly can’t know certain things.
A hater: That doesn’t ring true.
A reader: No. It does.
I kinda think there’s something wrong with you.
*Lacey sips tea.*
Lacey: What exactly do you want to know?
A reader: Why were you offended?
Lacey: Because the whole community ran up to my house, threw eggs at my garage…and yelled “YOU POOP YOUR PANTS!!! POOPY!” repeatedly at 3 AM. Metaphorically speaking.
A reader: Why is that offensive?
Lacey: What the heck are they implying? They were dead serious.
At first I took it as a joke. But actually…they did more than once.
To me, saying “I’m old money.” was the equivalent of calling the police. It should just end the conversation. Take care of the situation…
One of the perfume community members who hated her: Did you find us funny?
Lacey: Yes.
A reader: Why did you process what they were implying?
Lacey: Because…it’s my house. And it’s 3 AM. And they’re adults. Typically…actually, always, in a sane adult, what they say in that sort of context…means SOMETHING. That’s part of diplomacy, actually. Internationally. You have to learn to listen.
A reader (from the perfume community): Well, we’re listening to you right now. Tell us what makes you angry.
Lacey: I’ve already explained.
A reader: You weren’t that angry.
Lacey: I mean…I was.
But in a nutshell, it’s what I just said.
They were constantly trying to aggravate me. And I wasn’t aggravated the way they wanted. But…it’s aggravating that they wanted me to be so aggravated.
The perfume community: We told ourselves you were faking it. This…”You aggravated me by trying to aggravate me.”
Lacey: Wow. So you all lie to yourselves that much? You should be able to tell I’m being completely sincere.
The perfume community: You don’t fit the narrative. You’re not actually being mean. And we hate rich people.
Lacey: Love it!!!
So…you’re having an awakening? And you’re realizing things are so SIMPLE?
The perfume community: See…I just can’t handle it.
Lacey: Hmm.
They really aren’t though.
The perfume community: What is simple?
Lacey: Nothing. But in a way, evil is evil. That’s simple.
Molesting kids? Evil.
Ripping off a whole culture? Evil.
Sadistically torturing an innocent person? Evil.
The perfume community: We don’t drive through Boston to the Cape.
A former friend of Lacey’s: Oh come on! Yes you do!!!
You guys LIE.
Lacey: I think you all…are…sleazy?
The perfume community: *Thinks*
Yes.
Lacey: Okay, but you REALLY ARE.
How do you expect to keep everything kosher…in regard to me…when you’re slimy? Like in your hearts and minds. Why would you be able to be kosher? I think you all took your…hatred? way too seriously. And then you tried to invent something out of nothing.
Why were you all always trying to aggravate me?
The perfume community: It actually wasn’t just to try to make you feel ugly and poor, out of insecurity. That’s not all. We are insecure. Yes. But it’s more than that.
We felt…hostility.
Lacey: Why?
The perfume community: *Thinks*
It felt…justified?
Like…you were…really…wrong about something.
Lacey: And it’s not just a class issue?
The perfume community: *Thinks*
Yeah?
What are you lying about?
Lacey: I’m old money.
In a nutshell, I’m old money.
The perfume community: And that was the lie?
Lacey: Yes. Essentially. To summarize.
I’m not…just another perfume-head.
The perfume community: Okay.
What?
Lacey: I’m not…like you all.
I’m exceptionally intelligent. And…I’m better at analyzing the notes than most people because of that. Also, I’m girly and completely heterosexual. But…I’m…worldly. *she cringes* So…I’m not just…”into perfume”. I’m not the daughter of a hair stylist, like a lot of you. We…own the oil.
Like…we own the oil.
So…I OBVIOUSLY have an unfair advantage. Analyzing notes. Understanding the chemistry. Total advantage, to the point where it’s almost sick.
But there’s nothing I can do about it, and I’m actually a good person. I hoped you understand, but I didn’t count on it.
*She shrugs*
But…we never got to that. Because you just kept insisting I was a liar, and a “poopy pants”.
A member of the perfume community: You know…that is what happened.
A woman: I’ll be them. If they were sane!
“Wow!
So whose land did you steal?”
Lacey: Well…the U.S. government stole the land, really. But…-
Or did they?
But it would be the Native Americans of North Dakota.
Otherwise…we’re actually in the clear. Because we were silversmiths. So we invented something-
A woman: Yes!! BUT…who bought the silver?
Lacey: If we’re supposed to be this pure…all of Western Civilization has to be destroyed. However, I’m sure it was the aristocracy of Sweden and continental Europe.
A woman: *Laughs*
Did they buy it in Great Britain?
Lacey: Probably on…rare occasions?
A woman: Huh.
No, I get what you mean. Because you were just selling them silver.
Lacey: Yes! That we made ourselves.
A woman: You don’t sound Jewish.
Lacey: Well…maybe they weren’t? Not all silversmiths are Jewish, of course.
A woman: *Thinks*
True.
*She laughs*
Lacey: I mean…a Norwegian silversmith?
A woman: True.
Lacey: I’m not necessarily their relative, in that way. But…they may not have been Jewish at all.
A woman: *She turns to the Illuminati*
WHAT THE HECK!?
This just went over your heads?
*She looks shocked.*
The Illuminati: We are actively investigating it.
A woman: Did she meet Putin before you all invaded her?
The Illuminati: No.
A woman: Huh.
But he seemed to instantly find her attractive and…like her?
The Illuminati: Yes.
A woman: Was she surprised?
The Illuminati: Yes.
A woman: *Nods*
So you assumed she was…just…an idiot with a crush on a celebrity?
The Illuminati: Yes.
A woman: But she’s never met him…before you introduced her to him…in 2020…at a tea party in London? A literal tea party.
The Illuminati: Yes. She waved at him. Because someone pointed him out.
He was there with his wife. To discuss the pandemic. With the Royal Family.
A woman: And he started “crushing on her”?
The Illuminati: Yes.
He’s used to being…obliged. But…I don’t think…they-
I think it was in his heart and mind.
A woman: Okay.
But he knew who she was!??
The Illuminati: Well…someone had told him who she was. We made fun of her family.
A lot.
A woman: Huh.
And he seemed to be…enjoying making fun of her…with you?
The Illuminati: That’s what we assumed.
A woman: I bet he respects her for not…-
The Illuminati: Yes?
A woman: So…how does he look at her?
The Illuminati: *Shrugs*
A woman: Are most of you new money?
The Illuminati: Yes?
A woman: He sounds very romantic.
The Illuminati: He is?
A woman: Yes.
He is.
So…he’s using her…
Huh?
The Illuminati: How?
A woman: Well…-
Do you know?
The Illuminati: *They laugh*
A woman: Huh.
So…I’m pretty sure he’s using her.
The Illuminati: To get sex?
A woman: No!
Huh.
No, strategically.
The Illuminati: *Looks awkward*
A woman: Are any of you old school rich people?
The Illuminati: *Laughs*
Yeah?
A woman: What do they think I mean?
The Illuminati: They think…Boris Yeltsin…learned about her, because of her father. When she was first born. It was KGB intel.
And they think…there was some hope to use her. To…attack the U.S.. Because her father messed-up so much. They assumed she’d be a communist. Because of how much he messed-up.
And they think…Putin…knew that. When we attacked the Nesheims. And…used what intel he had collected. To…use her.
We think they studied her. We all think that…pretty much.
A woman: How did he use her?
The Illuminati: They suspect he created…a manufactured narrative. Where everyone hates her. So…we’d make a horrible mistake…and…weaken ourselves. Thus making it easier for him to take over the West, as his own.
A woman: What was the hook?
The Illuminati: Her beauty. Her…intelligence.
She’s actually a nice person. But…given her character and her background…people can misunderstand. Assume she’s…dumb. Or…lying? Stuff like that.
A woman: He’s using capitalism against us.
The Illuminati: Okay.
How much do you hate her right now? For no sane reason?
A man: A lot.
The Illuminati: That’s what he does! That’s the whole point.
A man: But…how does she matter!?
The Illuminati: You’ve genuinely forgotten that?
A man: Yes.
Why do we even care about this person!? Yes, okay. When you really look at her…and study her…she’s HOT. She is a rare beauty, in that way. But…I don’t have time for that.
So then I think, “DAMN! She obviously thinks she’s all that. *Eye-roll*”
Another man: But…you make no sense. What do you mean, when you really look at her?
A man: She’s…so mousy. How she dresses. It’s so…modest.
Her hair? No coloring. Just up in a bun.
*He shrugs*
But when I take time I don’t have…to study this woman…I can tell, “Yeah! Okay! *eye-roll* You’re beautiful. But…it’s so…quiet.”
Another woman in America: What about when you look in her face? Like in her eyes?
A man: That’s scary shit!
She’s GORGEOUS. It’s…scary.
Like, “WOAH BITCH! CHILL OUT!”
Another woman in America: But…you know that’s just her face? Right?
A man: *Looks stunned*
It’s mascara!!!
Another woman in America: That’s not possible. I use mascara too.
Sweetie…that’s just her face.
A man: *Starts shaking*
Another woman in America: Yeah. That’s just her face.
Have you seen her figure?
A man: I try not to look.
Another woman in America: *Almost cries*
Well!
*She laughs*
No. I’m not fooled. It’s obvious to me she’s unusually beautiful. Like, unusually beautiful.
You know…maybe she’s just…compulsively modest?
A man: No one is compulsively modest.
Another woman in America: No. I’m pretty sure that’s possible.
Putin: IT is.
A lot of European people are like that. Still.
Not in the perfume community.
Another woman in America: We’re being had.
Okay?
We’re being had!!!
*She laughs and nods*
But I’m sure she’s not in on it. Actually…I wonder if she’s been mistreated.
Do you actually care about her?
Putin: *Smirks and looks sad, both*
Yes. Okay?
But…-
*He throws his hands up.*
A woman: So…she’s just supposed to be herself. Poor thing. And…oh well?
Putin: It’s war.
And I do try to…be…decent. Somewhat?
A woman: What if I stab her? Because you make me so angry?
Putin: Not likely.
A woman: Wow are we slow.
So you know that!?
Putin: YES!
*He laughs*
A German man: But…you can’t predict everything.
Putin: True.
But humans are…very predictable. Yes, we do actually have free will. But…we’re…predictable. It’s not that scary. Really.
A German man: God sees us as sheep.
Putin: YES!
*He laughs*
I can’t predict everything but…I can predict a lot.
A German man: Did social media make things easier?
Putin: *Thinks*
Not that much. Some! But…we had studied human behavior for decades. Very intense. We’re…very…intelligent people.
*He laughs*
I mean to say, our studies…were…intensive.
A German man: What did you learn from social media?
Putin: That we don’t already know!?
*He laughs*
Not that much. *He shrugs*
I mean, it can be used to spy on people. Okay? Definitely.
A German man in Illinois: You seem…sane.
Putin: Ha!
A woman: So we’re supposed to hate her?
Putin: Yes.
She’s smart. Very good. The likelihood of her being seriously harmed is low.
But…Americans are so…rude?
A German man in Illinois: I’m slow.
You’re Vladimir Putin.
Do you hate America?
Putin: *He laughs*
Why would I hate you!?
Why!?
Why would I ever hate you?
*He smirks*
*Later*
The perfume community: So…she’s a pretty girl. And I assumed she knew that.
Did Putin know she didn’t know?
The Illuminati: Yes.
The perfume community: And you just thought he was in love with her!!
The Illuminati: Yes.
The perfume community: So…how…did you all get in the Illuminati?
The Illuminati: We’ve been telling ourselves that America rules. Obviously! Like…duh. To avoid that.
Scary question.
So…we bought…stuff. And made money. In the 1940’s.
And then…we went to Harvard. And made a lot of money. Really quickly, relatively speaking.
We’re GOOD with numbers. Stuff like that. But…-
The perfume community: Do most of you understand what’s going on?
The Illuminati: No.
But we’re chill. We just hang…
You know? We kick it.
The perfume community: Cool. Except…he outsmarted us.
The Illuminati: He didn’t outsmart Lacey.
The perfume community: But-But…we hate her.
So now what!?
The Illuminati: Try to stop hating her?
The perfume community: No. But think we can still hate her. Right?
Didn’t we…get that? Like…we lost shit…but now we get to enjoy it?
The Illuminati: *Adamantly shakes its head no*
The perfume community: WHY?!
A German man: First of all, it’s wrong.
Listen to “Symphony” by Freddy Martin.
The perfume community: Yes. But…-
Aren’t we allowed it?
The Illuminati is evil. Like in “Eyes Wide Shut”. And…I wanna go to the Rainbow Room.
2:00
Another American: I don’t.
The song ends.
Listen to “Skyfall” by Adele.
Another American: LET ME OUT!!!
*They begin pounding on the walls, spiritually. God helps them make a crack. An angel from Heaven…smashes it open. They creep through, to safety.*
1:33
The perfume community:
A butch lesbian Christian: *Charges through the crack, to God.*
The perfume community:
I thought she’d be with us?
1:39
The perfume community: Why did she-
The Illuminati: Well…-
*They shrug*
Say! What…are you assuming?
3:00
The perfume community: She’s not with us?
3:40
The Illuminati: No.
The perfume community: WHY NOT!?
The Illuminati: She doesn’t like the Rainbow Room. Believe it or not.
The song ends.
The perfume community: *Thinks*
Why?
Listen to “I’ve Got the Victory” by Ricky Dillard & New G.
The Illuminati: We’ve attacked Christians….by listening to this. And being evil at the same time. In the Rainbow Room.
What are you assuming?
The perfume community: What!?
2:33
The Illuminati: What…are you…assuming?
The song ends.
The perfume community: *Looks stunned*
Listen to “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan.
The perfume community: This song is actually kinda innocent.
We’re so determined to be…dominant. In the Illuminati. If we exist. So we…eat…people. And when that stops being impressive…we…start torturing ourselves.
It’s dysfunctional. And it used to be…so much less crazy. But…yes. America made it a competition, not a battle.
A competition isn’t a battle. Lacey and Lem win wars. We win competitions.
We’re all extremely competitive people in the Illuminati nowadays.
What did you assume?
The perfume community: But this song is more them?
The Illuminati: YES!
THEY WIN WARS.
….THEY WIN WARS.
We win competitions.
Listen to “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now” by McFadden & Whitehead.
The perfume community: Then how does America work? AT ALL?!
Putin: *Laughs*
EXCELLENT QUESTION!!!
*He claps*
2:22
The perfume community: Where is Lacey going?
Lem: HEAVEN.
Lacey: Lord willing.
The perfume community: No.
That doesn’t count.
Where are you going in this life?
Lacey: It depends.
The perfume community: It depends.
Huh.
We assumed that meant nothing.
Who knew what she really meant?
Queen Elizabeth II: I did.
He only attacked…after I died.
This song is OBVIOUSLY about middle class…bravado. Possibly righteous pride. Not just for Black Americans. For…Americans.
People loved this song.
The song ends.
The perfume community: Why not go to the Rainbow Room?
The Illuminati: We’ve already explained.
Listen to “Brutus” by The Buttress.
The perfume community: No.
You haven’t.
Stanley Kubrick: THIS! THIS is what “Eyes Wide Shut” is about.
You. All of you who are…representing the perfume community, right now.
1:52
The perfume community: What?
We’re…this?
“I wanna be you.”
The Illuminati: DUH!!
The perfume community: We…assumed the Rainbow Room was…where we found…not just evil happiness…but happiness.
The Illuminati: Lacey knew that.
That’s why she’s morally culpable. In her estimation.
She’s real old money. And she’s a Christian. She has real honor.
The perfume community: What…is…the Rainbow Room?
Stanley Kubrick: To make a long story short: it doesn’t even exist.
*He laughs*
It’s a ploy to trap him. He’s being watched.
The perfume community: *Looks sad*
