Questions For The Straight Girls

I found the most charming hashtag on Tik Tok. #questionsforthestraightgirls And being a genuinely straight woman I thought I’d take a gander at the posts out of morbid curiosity.

…Of course most of the posts were made for narcissistically closeted bisexuals.

And, being the victim of a child weirdly closeted bisexual, narcissistic woman on Instagram in the perfume community who probably had a crush on me and took it the wrong way when I always rejected her…since I’m straight…it enraged me. Each one. I’m currently seething.

“Also, the person who stalked you using the Illuminati years ago is probably mentally-ill in a way that puts him out of touch with reality. …Should the Illuminati…even exist.” says Louis.

“He would be insane in the colloquial sense of the word. You’re right.” Lacey muses.

“People possibly missed that somehow though…”

“Are you worried they’ll try to kill your for calling them out?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” says Louis humorously.

“I feel threatened too!” says Scott.

“Why do people not get that if you’re at all attracted to women it means you’re not straight.” says Lacey.

“Because they don’t want to be kicked-out of the straight person club.” says Lem.

“It’s a very prestigious, exclusive club. Gay men have made their club exclusive now too. In a way. But queer women, especially those with at least narcissistic tendencies struggle to label orientations appropriately.” says Harold.

“You know what!?” says a self-righteous hater. “Yeah! I’m a hater, I guess. If you had a real following, which you don’t. And don’t give me that bullshit about your 6,000 followers. I had that many in a day! And I went to Harvard extension school. And my dad is worth a million Dollars. And I’m hot. And I have a girlfriend. And you’re a nobody. A nobody! …Your great granduncle was a piece of shit! My ass is a bigger deal than he ever was! …I’m a really, really, really, really big deal. Okay!? When you come to my art…because that’s what I am. I’m a fucking artist! Not an crap face idiot like you! …When you come to my art…you bow! You bow like I’m a mother-fucking King! Okay you ugly old bitch-whore!”

*the insane laugh*

“Who do you think reads your blog?” asks Louis.

“People who hate me for narcissistic reasons mostly.” answers Lacey.

“Do you think a woman can find another women attractive at all and be straight?” asks Louis.

“No. No. …No.” says Lacey.

“Do you think Woody Allen impersonators are hot?” asks Louis.

“Mildly.” Lacey responds.

“Just mildly?!” asks Louis, aghast.

“Did your great granduncle but his title?!” asks a hater.

“Like my family did?!” asks Michael Rockefeller, confused.

Louis laughs.

“What irritates me more than anything is how dumb people can be. How can you be a progressive with the ideal of making being queer more accepted in society when you bully straight woman into labeling themselves queer and then are gullible and stupid enough to believe bisexual or pansexual women are straight? They’re lying. …Lying.”

“You can’t stand how violently righteous queer women become about normalizing lying bisexuals?” Louis laughs. “They don’t want to think straight people exist. At all. Some queer men are like that too. They’re viciously facist, violent fundamentalists of the left.” he says seriously.

“Straight people exist. Doesn’t mean whoever is reading this is one of them. But they do exist.” says Lem.

“Well, excuse me! I’m the one being attacked! I’m the one being oppressed! You jackass!” says a living queer female hater to Lem.

“Are you a lesbian or bisexual or?” asks JFK turning on his charm to the extreme.

“I’m mostly a lesbian.” she responds, taken aback.

“Are you thinking he’ll sleep with you?” asks Lacey of the hater.

The queer female hater grows uncomfortable.

“She thinks she’s being bullied. Look at her anxiety. Her legs are bouncing.” Lacey says. “No, it’s just that you gave lesbian vibes.” says Lacey.

Michael laughs.

The woman looks at her quizzically. The woman shifts uncomfortably in her seat. A look falls on the woman’s face that triggers Lacey.

“You’re a female player? Aren’t you?” asks Lacey.

She is. This woman is a player. She leaves in embarrassment.

“Oh well. I thought that confrontation might help us all understand something better about the world. But I think that woman was just trying to feel special.” says Lacey.

“By being the only woman to ever exist who has ever been able to prove in a real way that you aren’t straight? Or even better yet, make you queer with her rare gifts of seduction, I guess.” says Michael.

“Except you are devoid of any and all sexual interest in other women. And non-binary people too.” says Louis to Lacey.

“I cannot be the exception. No. I think I’m an actual straight person. …And technically, if you can find a sane sex person attractive I don’t think you’d be categorized as straight.” says Lacey.

“But then that means that tuft can’t seduce you. And if they’re narcissistic that’s very demoralizing.” says Lem.

“Why do we care?!” asks Lacey.

“Because people have forced you, basically emotionally raped you into caring.” says Louis to Lacey.

“What?! Queer women can’t bully privileged, white, straight women! Not in America!” says Lem sarcastically. “That’s not a thing!”

“I really jest hate the stupidity of it all.” says Lacey.

“What if they’re mostly all losing their minds in some way?” asks Lem.

“You’re supposed to be smited by their reading your blog and stalking you without you knowing it. It’s the Information Age, Lacey. And they have the information!” says Louis.

“You’re wrong!” says Lem. “It’s the Age of Influence.”

“Instead of the Age of Innocence?” asks Edith Wharton. “We’ve evolved?”

“This sounds stupid! If you’d gone to Harvard Extension School you’d sound less stupid.” says the hater.

“Oh! He’s still gonna prove his self-perceived superiority. Golly!” says Lem.

“Oh yeah? Where’d you go to school you Eastern European, white-trash dumbass?!” asks the hater.

“I went to Choate, Princeton and then did graduate work at Harvard. The real one.” says Lem.

“He’s-“ his mother starts.

“He’s not white-trash.” says his father apologetically.

“Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! We’ll just you wait! I’ll show you!” says Red Fay in imitation of the hater.

“My ex father-in-law went to Harvard Business School.” says Lacey.

“You’re a schizophrenic!” says a hater with conviction to Lacey.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“You’re making that up! You’re making it all up!” the male hater says.

“No. I’m not.” Lacey says feeling scared. Scared because she really isn’t making anything up.

“You’re not hallucinating anything but us.” says Lem.

“You don’t fit any of the criteria for schizophrenia. And we’re ghosts. Not hallucinations.” says Louis.

“Or you’re demons.” says Lacey.

“No! No! See, if she was telling the truth or not crazy she’d not keep explaining herself. She wouldn’t feel the need to explain herself. It’d all just be obvious.” says the narcissistic queer (straight “identifying”) woman from the perfume “community” online?

“I mean…whatever. But yeah, I mean. She’s a piece of shit compared to me too. So…” says a bully from high school who reads her blog. “I make as much as a doctor would make combined with my husband’s salary. So…we’re kind of a big deal.”

“Whatever! You don’t exist!” says the hater from the perfume community.

“I don’t exist?!” says the bully from high school.

“She’s a poor kid. Right? She was poor and stupid and ugly?” asks the hater.

“Oh my god! I love you!” says a fellow perfume community member. “I’m a big deal too. I own an insurance company.” she says proudly.

“You own an insurance company?” asks Lacey. “Like you sell insurance?”

“Yeah! Like your uncle owns an electric company. No body but really rich people own actual electric companies.” says the hater’s back-up.

“Don’t worry! I looked into it. Her uncle probably does own an electric company but it’s worth like two cents!” says the husband of another perfume community hater. “I’m a big deal. And I’m on your side! Not her’s!”

“She grew-up in a closeted home.” interrupts one of Lacey’s old friends.

“Like you were in the closet?” asks a lesbian hatefully of Lacey.

“Whatever! I’m never wrong! I’ve never embarrassed myself or my family. I’m never wrong.” says the hater.

“What? I’m agreeing with you?” asks the lesbian.

“How is she supposed to stop explaining when she keeps being attacked relentlessly?!” asks Lem. “You don’t get it. That homily doesn’t apply in this situation, you idiot!”

“You never understood. You felt slighted the second you found my account and set off on a determined course to attack me endlessly until I got hurt or someone else hurt me and you could take credit.” says Lacey to the hater. “My anger was never really at you. I thought you were unhinged and I empathized. But you needed it to be about you to feel okay inside.”

“So…what was it that made you most angry about Lacey?” asks Michael of the hater.

“You don’t own the 5 million Dollar estate your cousin does.” says his brother to Lacey.

“No. But 5 million isn’t that much.” says Lacey.

“It’s not a tiny estate though.” says Babe.

“True. It has a nice view too.” says Lacey.

“So, why do you feel so hateful of Lacey?” asks the lesbian player of the hater.

“I mean.” the hater throws her hair back. “I just hate how condescending she was. Like, she was obviously trying to be nice to me. And everyone felt that way after a while. Like, she thought it was her duty.” the hater responds.

“I mean, it seems like she got hurt though.”

“I idolized her!”

The player looks confused.

“It’s a complicated story.” she sighs apologetically.

“No! I’m all ears.”

The hater sighs. “I don’t know. She was just weird. Like, how do I describe her?”

“Yeah! Right?” the player acts mysteriously hurt.

“Oh whatever! I’m sure you get lots of ass!”

The player shrugs coyly. Smiles beguilingly at the hater. Briefly flashes eye-contact.

“What?! What are you grinning about?” asks the hater.

“Nothin’!” says the player coyly. Blushing on purpose.

And then…in a matter of minutes they initiate actions that precede lesbian sexual intercourse.

“You must have been gay? Or no? You’re-“ Jack seems confused but searching for whatever it is that can still make Lacey safely inferior.

“She’s a queer!” says a queer perfume collector.

“Your spirit is rotting.” says Jack. “It stinks. Eww.”

Ana Is Ugly Compared to Marilyn…But She Isn’t Objectively Ugly

“Prey for leering men and a curiosity for smirking women (unlike Monroe, this Marilyn has no women friends), she is aware of her effect on others but also helpless to do, well, anything. With her tremulous smile, she drifts and stumbles through a life that never feels like her own.” writes Manhola Dargis for The New York Times. And that part is right. She then quickly assumes too much of Marilyn Monroe in regard to her knowledge of politics… That sounds more like me than Marilyn Monroe.

*eye-roll*

No. Marilyn was far more attractive than the actresses who have played her. …And possibly more intelligent…but that’s not necessarily the case. But yes, she wouldn’t have had friends because women today are brainwashed into thinking The Greatest Generation were simple/minded, asexual idiots. They were not.

…And no, for the bloody last time, Jackie O. was not ugly. Again, most people attacking her are ugly compared to her.

*shrug*

Am I “pissing you off?” Can’t handle your possible inferiority? Because that’s what you’ll assume isn’t it? That everyone back then was legitimately better than you? And your pea brains compared to their normal human brains struggle to grasp their complexities as what was once considered normal humanity?

Are we regressing as a species? Literally? And you’re a step back, closer to cave men? Mother Nature is trying to rewind us into extinction?

“I can’t keep doing this…with these…people!” *guffaw*

I’m not so sure. …I think that that worse case scenario is far too plausible. However, people have been complaining about the intentional dumbing down of society for…decades. Well over 40 years? Right? When did that complaint start? In the 1970’s? Late 1960’s?

No. Marilyn was a genius. But she didn’t know enough about politics. Presidential advisors wouldn’t have mindlessly called her astute due to feeling overwhelmingly impressed by her intelligence in their area of speciality (like one did with me). …Their area of speciality being politics, so to speak, of course.

*eye-roll*

…But I disagree with Joyce Carol Oates. She wasn’t emblematic of the 20th Century. If anyone was emblematic of the 20th Century Lem Billings was. But not that many people know about him. And if he was actually straight…*deep breath* people barely know anything accurate about him who actually know about him. Most of those people, anyway. …Still, he is a public figure. He did have an essential and very prominent place in the last century and…he really embodies the entire 100 years brilliantly well.

Think about it.

He started his life with so much promise. Proudly white, male and American. Insightful. Artistically brilliant. But then he…somehow got confused and totally ruined himself.

Some might say today that he was gay. *shrug* And that’s all. That’s all that was really wrong with him…they might say. But what if he wasn’t gay? …And let’s be honest, I’m not sure being gay is a coverall for all of his missteps in life.

Yes, let’s be honest.

*smile*

People struggle to be honest nowadays. They’ve been taught to lie to themselves to get by. Our financial issues in the world largely stem from that core belief.

“Eh! Works.” *shrug* says a so-called compassionate intellectual of today reading this blog. …They act like I’m an idiot. Now.

“Why would they do that?” asks Michael.

“Because they want to fuck me now or they know another man would. And it either makes them uncomfortable…possibly because I subconsciously remind them of their mothers or grandmothers…-“ Lacey is interrupted.

“Or because they’re too awkward to handle it.” Lem concludes.

“That’s…” Lacey struggles to finish her thought.

“That’s right. They don’t know how to be that honest.” says Lem.

“So they’d rather give up sex, fun, and living in general for the most part.. than be in a lower class or less gifted in some way than me?” asks Lacey.

*someone dead is snickering in the background*

“Yes!” answers a ghost.

*Lacey wants to laugh and Michael makes her*

She’s laughing at most people’s willful and sympathetic stupidity.

“Why did you lie about being gay? To yourself?” asks Lem, in imitation of Lacey.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Lem, she’s not keen on cheating on me. Funny. Isn’t it?! …Do you think maybe she’s really obvious? Like…” *he twists and twirls his hair in his fingertips to seem gay* “like…maybe she just needs the truth. And if you’re not lying and you actually care that deeply…the truth is all you need to win her heart.” Michael explains.

“Did you impersonate Michael Rockefeller to get at Lacey?” asks Zelda.

*JFK has been seething this entire time*

“You look stupid, Jack!” Lem yells at him. “It’s obvious you might have raped me and not even understood you were because of how narcissistically stupid you were.” says Lem.

“Still are if Purgatory is our path to Heaven.” says an old Catholic person.

“We don’t believe in Purgatory or Hell anymore! Duh!” says a cool-kid Catholic. She died of a heroine overdose.

“You have too many heroine addicts on your blog. Not every dead person who talks to yiu died of a heroine overdose.” *eye-roll* “Lacey…there aren’t that many heroine addicts.” says a hater?

*laughing*

“It’s embarrassing.” says a former Washington D.C. worker. From the 1960’s.

“You mean it’s embarrassing to them? The people hating me?” asks Lacey.

Lem is in shock.

“Is Lem always in shock?” asks Lacey diplomatically.

*Louis laughs*

“Well, one thing is for sure, kids shouldn’t try to analyze the sex lives of their parents as equals. Or possibly at all in most cases unless it’s for therapeutic reasons.” observes Marilyn.

“I’m not that cruel.” says Lem.

“What do you mean?” asks Lacey.

“I didn’t realize what it really meant to be gay.” he says.

Lacey is starting to lose patience with him.

Jack looks uneasy.

“Well, you’d never have had to know how dumb Jack was if I hadn’t blown myself up.” says Joe Jr..

“Jackie did a fine job though! Just swell! Didn’t she Lem?!” says Lacey in an elegantly controlled rage.

“I mean, you could have done better but…” *shrug* “Because you’re always innocent. And yet superior?” says a ghost sarcastically.

“Haha!” Elliott laughs and points.

…And God is in control. Sorry…Satan?

“I wonder. Were you trying to imitate Michael?” asks Babe.

“Because I thought it looked cool to be artistic and gay?” asks Lem.

“The gayest ever!” says Jack.

Lem thinks. “If I was straight…that’s not a wild thought.” he says.

“Because you wanted to attract someone like Lacey?” asks Babe.

“Yes. Not some woman actually in love with gay men. Some woman sensitive-“ He can’t finish his sentence.

“Like my father.” says Elliott. “Like the female equivalent of my father.”

“What?!” Lem pretends to be effeminate and gay. “Your father wasn’t just secretly gay?!” Lem jokes.

Elliott chews his gum loudly and overly dramatically. “Like, like…he wasn’t trying to date men by marrying my mother?” he laughs. “Or excuse me, I should be clearer. He wasn’t trying to just marry a man with a vagina.”

“If you’re too young to listen…stop listening.” says Marilyn. “It’ll scare you somehow.”

“They do make you creepy. It’s subtle but it’s there.” says Lacey to Marilyn.

“I was looking for an unusual woman, perhaps. But, I worried it was wrong to date them-“ Lem says.

“When you’re bisexual.” says Michael. “Even if you prefer women to men?” He smiles. “So you were going to be like me…and be cool I guess…but better than me? Because unlike me, you’d have refused to defile a woman by possibly kissing a man and then kissing her?”

“So you’d prefer to kiss Lacey over a man?” asks Lem.

“Yes.” he looks at Lem, in exasperation.

“Did you?! I wonder. Huh?!” says Jack in imitation of Babe. “Did you…did you cling to me because I made you but also because you were a trifle bit misogynistic?”

“I was straight. But I also-“ He goes quiet.

“You what?”

“I couldn’t believe women could truly dominate a conversation and still be a woman in the truest sense of the word.” Lem says.

“Agile adults of the sort like my father was…and is…aren’t that incapable.” says Elliott. “It’s easy for them Lem.”

“Some less agile adults…struggle with remembering who’s who and what’s what, I guess.” says Joe Jr..

“Yes. They do. And then they never get to the point or beyond being obsessed with making their point.” says Elliott.

“Did Marilyn say daddy during sex?!” asks Lacey. “Isn’t that what’s in the Netflix movie?”

“No!” yells Arthur Miller.

Jack laughs through his nose and shakes his head no.

“They should make JFK black or Asian-American in the next one. Just for representation purposes. Because white stories should be cast by African origin people. That’s so cool!” says Lacey in a rage.

“Cinderella is an African story.” says a ghost with a snicker.

“Not the way it’s told here. Here it’s a white girl named Cinderella.” Lacey says.

The ghost laughs. “What if the black version is better?”

“Then it should be the new film. With the right title. And not dumbed down and made vile by racists.” says Lacey. “Not some late Disney crap. The same beauty and so-called magic they painted Cinderella with.”

“Ahhh!” screams a ghost imitating a hater. “How dare you insult Disney!!!”

“Well! At least we have a new Marilyn Monroe pic!” says Walt in fake glee.

“Lem, you weren’t reincarnated. But you know…you shouldn’t have thought Jack could replace Lacey. That’s like eating your own shit and calling it chocolate.”

“Hey! Lem! Do you prefer chocolate or diarrhea cereal for breakfast?” asks Michael.

“No. Michael isn’t comparing men to bowel movements.” clarifies Lacey. “It’s more nuanced then that.”

“I thought he loved Jack!” says a gay male hater.

“And that’s why he died without him? Because he couldn’t think straight anymore? He needed Jack to keep it all straight… And, and…that’s why he regularly shot heroine into Bobby Jr.? Or did he? Did he molest that little boy too? Or did he just buy the drugs and not give two shits whether those kids lived or died?”

Silence.

“But I guess buying drugs and doing drugs with kids is acceptable if you’re rich enough? Or is it more that he was gay? Because rich gay bitches and eat people’s kids and then drink their own shit afterwards and be like a cooler version of Jesus?” asks Michael Rockefeller. “Like a truly righteous version of Jesus?”

“Is that that what you did?!” asks the gay male hater.

“No.” He smiles. “Don’t worry. Lem will still have Lacey if that’s what’s best… But you can’t take back what you just said about me or my family.”

“Or Marilyn. Or Lem. Or Jackie. Or a lot of people at this point.” says a ghost.

“Not that every rumor that circulates is a lie. Some have to be true, most likely. It’s just a matter of figuring out which ones are lies and which ones are true.” says Lacey. “But perhaps clearly labeled fiction should be consumed as such regardless… We don’t know Marilyn anymore if we ever did.”

“Isn’t she just a gay icon?” asks a ghost.

“But then what does that mean? That she’s a trans straight woman? That she’s a gay man in drag?! That they’d all secretly rather be a straight, beautiful, slutty woman?” asks Lacey.

“Stop! That’s too much truth! And I have so many things to be insecure about!” says a hater. “I need my lies to be okay! Please! Don’t take my lies from me! Please!”

“I think it means that they watch her and secretly get aroused.” says Lem.

“Is that what you thought?!” asks Jack.

Lem pleads the fifth.

“I can’t believe you thought that.” says Jack sadly, but with the hope to sound amused.

“That was such a healthy, normal, functional relationship. Those two…friends.” says a female ghost sarcastically about Lem and Jack.

“Why did you take it out on the kids?” asks another female ghost of Lem.

“Because I was a gay dummy!” says Lem. “Too gay to function!” He smiles. “As pathetic as a your typical clingy, sad, desperate woman but with a weird thing, considering, called a penis.”

“Did you call Jack daddy too, I bet?!” she says. (Still sarcastically)

“He was an exceptional father. Of course I did. He was dad to dozens of us.” He laughs. “Sometimes Pappy. Sometimes just father. Sometimes daddy. We all have different pet names for him, but same idea, of course.”

“You couldn’t stand us.” observes Joe Sr..

“But I thought he loved you all more than life itself. And tried to exhaustion to fit in.” says Lacey.

“That’s the story they tell.” says Joe Sr..

“Right. So when I recant facts haters are excused for calling it a story. Because that feels right to most people? But when historians make up possible huge mischaracterizations of people…that’s acceptable? And we should take those lies as truth?” asks Lacey.

“No! You’re just my soulmate so we should go eat shit together.” says Michael. “That’s it. See…we do that. That’s what we do.”

Lem cries.

“I wish I could help you.” says Marilyn to Lem as a friend. A friend. Not a lover. Never a lover. Not a “fag hag” either. A real friend