Category Archives: Journal

“Lacey…how likely is it that that energy…you’re not reading…is at all homosexual?” says Lem’s living lookalike.

She thinks.

“My problem is that I’ve been too lied to.” says Lacey. “When I analyze Lem on my own…I personally see no way he was gay at all. Absolutely no way. …But…I’ve been told I was wrong and full of shit SO…OFTEN.”

“I’d date you.” says Richard Deacon from The Dick Van Dyke Show. “Whether that’s because I was actually bisexual…and chose to identify as gay…privately…or I’d just become straight for you…I like you as a person. And I know we’d get along. …So…keep that in mind. …It’s not a dead end. Even if Lem was gay. …But…I know he wasn’t. And what scares me…as a person…is that you don’t believe yourself. …Even if you could be wrong…I’m not sure…you’re being given insight beyond what YOU ALREADY KNOW.

You aren’t…A LIAR.” says Richard Deacon to Lacey.

Hungarian Dance No. 11 by Brahms plays as performed by Stephanie Clausen.

“I can’t tell.” says Lacey.

“Yeah? But you can.” says Richard.

The song plays.

“You…don’t find Michael Rockefeller nearly as daunting. Why?” says Richard Deacon to Lacey.

Lacey thinks. Takes a deep breath.

The song ends.

Hungarian Dance No. 11 by Brahms as performed by the London Symphony Orchestra plays. Loud. And dramatic. And faster than…on some occasions.

“I think Michael could see something in me. …Lem is exactly what I’ve always wanted. And I’m…terrified. …Because…I’m not sure anymore what he’d love about me.” says Lacey.

Curl by Sneaker Pimps plays instead.

“I was mostly gay. Not completely gay.” says Richard Deacon. “I preferred men. By a lot. But…I was seen as gay.”

The song plays.

“Why is there a demon sitting right next to me? He’s completely uninvited.” says Lacey.

Machine Says Yes by FC Kahuna plays.

“Because…Casi hates you.” says Richard. “Your haters don’t understand you. …They think you’ll be proven wrong. Eventually.

Tell you what…go look at my photo. As an attractive 30 year old in 1960.

*She does*

Would you go on a date with me?” he says.

“Yes.” she says.

He nods.

“What if…we didn’t make-out, even? Would you be surprised?” he says.

“No.” she says.

He nods. “Why would we keep dating?”

“Because I’d like your company.” says Lacey.

“Yes! …And I’d like your company. …And then I’d have to decide if I could be…your husband. …And in your case…I could have.

I’d never have done it. …I was of the same mindset as Lem. …But…I’d have been very tempted to with you.” he says.

Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays.

“And been happy!?” says a Millennial.

“YES!!” he says, laughing. Then he looks suddenly sad. “She’s not…who you all seem to think she is today. …And…we’d…have gotten along. Really well.”

“And you genuinely feel that’s as satisfying as a man?” says a living gay man.

“YES. I’d have…been…targeted on rare occasions…by gay men. Who were looking. …And by women too. So…that’s every marriage. …And I was and am a very tough person.” he says. “You’ve vastly underestimated heterosexuality in the last ten years or so.”

The song plays.

“But…that’s just it! …How do I from the grave explain myself? This is the best I can do. …And right now it matters to me. …I was mostly gay. But not entirely.” says Richard Deacon.

“And you just stayed away from women to be respectful?” asks a lesbian.

“YEAH! …We saw it as honorable in my generation. Lem’s not alone in that! I felt that way too. …Bisexuality was…either a sad lie or…an daunting insecurity. And so…if you never met Mrs. Right…you didn’t bother.” says Richard Deacon.

“To be a good man?” asks a lesbian.

“YES!” he says. “To be a truly good man.”

Clair De Lune by Debussy as performed by Minh Quan Phan plays.

The song plays.

“Lem was straight.

Honestly…Lem what do you like about her?” says Richard Deacon.

“Her…” he says. “Everything.”

Lacey listens to the energy. Richard’s offer of a date is enough to give her courage.

“There’s nothing here.” she says.

“EXACTLY!!!” he says.

“SHOOT!” she says. “I was genuinely tricked this time!”

“YOU WERE!!” says Richard.

“This is actually terrifying.” she says.

He smiles at her.

They sit together at a restaurant in her spirit.

“Am I a part of your generation?” says Lacey.

“YES.” he says.

“Are we all as nice as me?” says Lacey.

“YEAH. …People today think we were all passive aggressive, but we weren’t. …We just didn’t like getting all riled up. But at the same time…we were very…intense. And…proper.” says Richard Deacon.

“I watched an episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show today and there was a restaurant scene and it broke my heart. Because I recall seeing that on television and thinking that when I grew-up all adults were going to be like that. And I thought it was going to be so easy to find real friends. …I thought…everyone would just grow-up and suddenly start acting like all of you.” says Lacey. “Was that real?”

“YES!” says Richard Deacon.

“You gave each other that much space?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” he says.

“So I seem normal to you?!” says Lacey.

“You seem…more…airy…than most women in our generation. …I can’t think of a better way to describe it. …Sort of…bubbly. …But…it’s not…that different. …You fit in with us so much more than almost anyone alive today.” he says.

“We’re quieter.” says Lacey.

He nods. “Too quiet apparently.”

“The thing is…Lacey’s genes are prepared for a Holocaust!” says a dead Jewish woman.

Someone laughs.

“NO! I’m SERIOUS. …She was prepared for HELL ON EARTH. All members of the Greatest Generation were!” she says. “We’re resilient.”

“Okay.

But then how do we convince her to…care?” says a living gay man. “Because…it seems like that’s the downside. You all just…give up!”

“You wanna know the truth!? As average as I seem to you…to her…I’m SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ANYONE ALIVE.” says Richard Deacon. “My build. My…manner. All of me. …She can’t be as attracted as easily to any man alive. …It’s not fake!”

“SHIT!!” says Cher.

He nods. “Yeah! I know! Her life…is…rough.”

“Ewww!!!” says a straight woman. “Do they all look like boys to her?”

“No…and yet…you’re not going down the wrong path. …They don’t look like…children…but they look…off-putting. …It’s not childlike…but…in some cases it’s not not that. …She finds George Bush childlike. …Just a little. …Same with Bill Clinton. …She finds…some men less so. However…she’d have had a chance at being happy…if she’d been raised by a truly loving mom. Not a loving mom…but…rather…a mom who really loved her.

See…without socialization she simply went on genetics. …And based on genetics…she was expecting you all to be like us. Think like us. …So…she went on bad dates and no dates.” says Richard Deacon.

“Where do you all go on dates?” asks one of her former boyfriends.

“The movies!” he says.

“Where else?” says another ex.

“Oh…dancing. …But I mean…organized dancing. And…classic film. …We were very fortunate.” he says.

“Dinner?” says one of her old boyfriends.

“YEAH! …Or…drinks. …The man pays. Always.” he says. “No questions asked!”

“Does she put our?” asks a Millennial.

“SHE MANAGES US.” says Richard, laughing.

“What’s that mean?” says a Millennial.

“We…expect her to put out. However…she can put it off. …Leave you waiting. …So…you ‘get your goods’ eventually but it’s not…quiet so…automatic, necessarily. …But you do get them!” he says.

“So men expected sex?” says a woman.

He nods. “Same way as women expected commitment, love, respect…affection…and fidelity.” he says.

“Was being a housewife actually that bad!??!” says a Gen. Z woman.

“FOR US!?” says a dead Greatest Generation woman. She silently shakes her head no. “No! I was hurt when people insinuated I was ever unhappy being a housewife! …I felt…hurt. …I know the idea wasn’t necessarily all bad. …But that was not my experience!”

“How many of you were unhappy?” asks a living lesbian.

“30% to 40%.” she responds. “Which is bad!! …But not the majority.”

“Were you friends with Mary Tyler Moore?” asks a reader of Richard.

“Yes!” he says.

“Lem…was straight.

We planned the assassination of John F. Kennedy. And we used the…big names behind The Dick Van Dyke Show to…speak about it.

If there’s an Illuminati there was some witchcraft involved.” says George Bush.

“HOW!?” yells Dr. Moritz.

George Bush Senior laughs.

“It’s evil. In a way. …The idea is to make it public. Without making it really public. …It’s extremely complicated.

…On the one hand…we’re testing you all…to see if you know anything. …By placing it in the public eye…you’re making it known to the public if they can connect the dots. …But if they can’t…*he shrugs* well then you’re in luck, in a way. …And yet in a way you’re not. So then you have to study that. …Regardless, outing yourself…using subliminal language…as we did on The Dick Van Dyke Show…was a way of communicating with the public.

Every episode that season is about the Kennedy Administration Crisis. …We explain in coded ways…all of our problems. The reasons why we killed him. Who was involved. How we planned to do it. It’s all there!

…But you know…very few people ever noticed. Consciously. At all! …Very few!” says George Bush Sr..

“Let’s explain every episode briefly!” says Lem.

“Mel reminded us of Lem. Although he was actually attracted to men. …And…his name spelled backwards is Lem. …We felt Lem could date a woman. With proper counseling. And we gave him that…after JFK was shot. …And secretly paid for it. …Mel…is…miserable. A real sourpuss. …He’s faking being happy.

…Anita is reference to Ricky Ricardo. …And that’s an explanation for who’s involved. Fidel Castro was often contacted via Ricky Ricardo. In the CIA. Both Lucy and Desi…were…brilliant. And…they in horror…helped plan the Kennedy Assassination. …Fidel Castro trusted us in part because he knew Desi was going to deliver. He knew Desi would…keep it all…neat as a pin. From start to finish.

Max Calvado is Al Capone, in a way. But he’s also TOM BANKS. …Yes. In the last episode right before the assassination…we refer to Lacey’s FATHER. …THOMAS BANKS. …Why!? Because…he was en league with Louis Hill Junior and his brother Jerome. …And…he was…used by JP Kennedy to help get Jack elected. So…when Jack starts messing-up…like Kenneth. Kenny. …We felt obliged to…let Tom be angry. …Let Tom…take care of it. And that was on behalf of a lot of VERY angry people in the mafia and related criminal communities. …They felt betrayed and lied to by Jack Kennedy. And in conjunction with the CIA and our…need to appease Fidel…to avoid nuclear war…we had to rely on Tom to help us. He was already friends with Lucy and Desi. They knew him. …So we all worked together easily. …He was our guide. To…a great many people and places and aspects of the process.

Would we have anticipated HIS DAUGHTER being LEM BILLINGS’S ‘twin flame’? No. …If there’s reincarnation of course Tom was brilliant and loving enough to shoot Jack just to protect Lacey and Lem as his children. But…there might not be reincarnation. And…it’s…fascinating.

…Tom was…very intelligent! Very intellectual! He was well read. …You were expecting a hoodlum but he was actually fairly…stuffy. Because of his upbringing. Max owns a club? So did Tom. …Tom was dangerous. And very dangerous in the 1920’s. He was NOT someone to get into a fight with.

The Kennedys loved to sail. But they were fools.

Uncle George is my family. Me.

When Lem later talked about his…life choices…it was a reference to From Here to Eternity and the episode ‘Uncle George.’ Thanks to you! …Lem is trying to say he wished he’d dated Old Lady Winkler. Because Sally wasn’t even real. And he’d rather have just been settled down. …And actually belonged to someone. Lived somewhere.

Them all standing around in the kitchen is a reference to the Illuminati. Plotting. We’re cooking-up something in the kitchen. For Uncle George…to…do his thing. We’re setting up Old Lady Liberty.

Who, What, Where is a reference to Lem and Jack. And how they supposedly met. …But we can’t explain Jack’s…behavior. Laura is Jackie Kennedy in that episode. Desperately sad. Wondering where her husband is. Calling people. Crying. Jackie did all of that. …And…our…explanation for Jack’s behavior is that there is none. …A man would have to have temporary amnesia to do what he did. The lying. The double life. The women. …The young woman in that episode is Marilyn Monroe. And her lookalikes.

And similarly…we couldn’t understand Jack’s fascination with minors. …That’s also explored. In the episode with Laura where they decide to get remarried. To make it legal because she lied about her age.

The painting…is…possibly about Lem. He…was…a clown seemingly. A big…clown. But…underneath that…we knew he was possibly something great. He was also very into art.

Who’s Mrs. Billings!? His mother. …She either…worked with us…because she was so desperately scared about her son…or…we imagined her approval. …Could she also be Lacey??? …*He laughs* …Yes. …Slightly. As a parody.

We mentioned shooting in the episode where Robert gets amnesia. That’s no coincidence either. And they were watching a Western on television. A Western. TEXAS!

I’ll stop there. But…the symbols are EVERYWHERE! …It’s…very much…like Stanley Kubrick at his best. Filled with allusion.” he says.

“But it’s not ALL allusion?” says a reader.

“TRUE! …But…we had to maintain plausible deniability.” he says. “It’s all about plausible deniability.”

“Nobody caught on!??” says the reader.

George Bush shakes his head no. “NOPE!” He thinks. “Well…not really.”

“Okay!! See…the way y’all make it sound…I can’t figure out why we give a shit about JFK. …Why is there such a disconnect!?” says a Native American woman.

“Yeah.

Because he’s a menace. Okay? …Lacey’s parents and Lem’s parents possibly literally had him killed. To try to…desperately find some way to save their children. …And we genuinely hated him. …Fidel Castro HATED him. Krushev HATED him. We saw him as a rat. …He was called ‘Rat Face’ at Choate. That was his nickname. They called him ‘Rat Face’.

But…you all…loved the idea. The…beautiful photos. The…studied accent. …He was so smiley. So…cheerful. …And…he made Americans feel young…rich…good-looking…healthy and…good. He seemed so good. …So…you all fell in love with his persona. …And it took on a sort of life of its own. The JFK you all have in your head isn’t the same man we killed. …Does your JFK even exist? Mmm…maybe in Heaven?? …Or maybe…he’s a purely fictional character who you’ll meet like other fictional characters God makes in Heaven to let us be happy.

The man you knew…cheated. But he was not a real narcissist. …He was…clinically depressed. …Probably an alcoholic and drug addict. …Bisexual. …Mostly straight. Lem was his only exception!!! …He was…kind. And…brave. …WISE. And shrewd! …Rarely does he make a mistake! …Why would he cheat? Why would Micheal Rockefeller cheat!? …Genuine sadness? Despondency. Why would he have so many women? Oh! That’s exaggerated!!! …Maybe he was spoiled. Slept with 10. Certainly not 300! …He was sweet! …BRILLIANT. …So WISE!!

In reality JFK almost started nuclear war. …He was linked to the death of MARILYN MONROE. …He…was a TERRIBLE husband. A rapist. A pedophile. A…snake. …He was very narcissistic. Very difficult to work with! …And Fidel Castro felt he was…unbelievably evil. …AN AWFUL PERSON. …And he did lead us closer to Vietnam. …He also caused…a domino effect of destruction on so many other levels. …He’s praised for his economic policies…at times…but…overall those are…mere drops in a bucket. He’s…mediocre at best. One of our worst presidents at best. And…Fidel wanted him dead.” he says.

“We’re going to bed! Goodnight!” says Lem to everyone, taking Lacey with him.

Lacey doesn’t have much time. But she’s rightfully angry. Righteously angry.

Even if homosexuality isn’t allowed in Heaven…there are many real homosexuals. That’s fact. And we can’t make them straight.

I was not…one of them. …I was a genuinely confused heterosexual.

God…calls us to be honest. …We can make homosexuality a mental illness again. However…if that’s not a plausible option…we can’t encourage closeted behavior. …It’s my opinion that we never did. We shunned homosexuality and homosexuals became what we call closeted because of it. …Whereas now…with as much awareness as we have…it would be an outright lie. It would be truly closeted. This is America. It’s not a country that ever celebrated homosexuality before now.

Is it insane? That’s a difficult discussion.

“Do they love each other?” Lacey asks God.

“As much as two gay men are capable of.” she God.

“I don’t want to celebrate their insanity.” says Lacey. “But I also don’t want to…lie.”

“Yeah. What’s right?” asks a dead Holocaust victim.

“They’re not just insane.” says God. “Regardless.”

“Then I don’t want to celebrate their deformity.” says Lacey.

“What’s the truth, do you think?” says God.

“About what they experience?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says God.

Missing Pieces by Flawed Mangoes plays.

“I could write the perspective of an alien.” says Lacey. “Don’t make assumptions.”

A young man in Pekin, Illinois plays basketball on a hot day. In 1952. At 16 he regularly practices with his younger siblings. All 6 of them.

Ten year old Saul is…his best competition.

Saul looks…like him:

He’s not a spitting image. But he’s similar. Blonder. More…German.

Saul is…kind. But…melancholic. Prone to…serious moods.

“Where are you going!?” yells his older brother Walter.

“Nowhere.” he says, smirking.

“It’s HOT!” says Walt. “It’s too damn hot for you to wander off!”

Saul stares at his older brother.

“Give me that ball!” says Walt.

They play more basketball. Then walk slowly back home. In late July.

Ready for dinner. Dinner in the shade of their stucco house. Mom made…pork with beans.

Signal Lost by Flawed Mangoes plays as they sit in 1952…as a happy…lower middle class family…eating together. At an old wooden table.

Three lamps in the room. Dad sweaty from labor. Mom…tired. From housework. But…yes. Everyone was…actually pretty happy. I’m NOT LYING. …These people…really were.

Fade to darkness.

And in another house. In town. Sat Melvin McCoombs. That’s what we’ll call him. …That’s not his real name. But it works.

Melvin’s father was an accountant. His mother aspired to be…popular. She looked…well-groomed.

They had four kids. Anne, Melvin, Sarah and Ryan. A perfect family. Or so it seemed to many people.

Mrs. McCoombs had…great…light blond hair. She regularly went to the beauty salon. She…wore…Chantilly. By Houbigant. Powder. Cologne. And parfum for special occasions. Her favorite color was sky blue. …And she made excellent roast beef.

Fade to black.

Tea For Two by Oscar Peterson Orchestra plays.

Melvin was the man from Pekin, Illinois on the last post. Again, that’s not his real name. But we’ll call him that.

Melvin was…a snob.

Melvin looked like his mom when he was young. At 5 feet 10 he was…handsome enough. Especially at his…ideal weight. Not too heavy. Not too slim. Broad shoulders. But nothing…unusual looking. Just…handsome.

Huge smile. And…of course…he too looked bisexual.

Do you know what a bisexual looks like? No? Alright. Just imagine another iteration of Rupert Brooke.

But this Rupert…had…an attitude of superiority.

At…4:00 PM…Saul was playing basketball with a few of the guys after school when Melvin walked out. 1958. It’s 1958 now. (Sorry. I forgot?)

And by 1958…Saul and Melvin…were 16. Attending the same school. High school. In Pekin, Illinois.

They…gave each other glances. As they had been doing since they were about 13.

Saul quit playing just to stand and talk with Melvin. Hands in pockets. They stood there laughing. Talking about…math. Making fun of their teacher and the way her huge boobs hung down to her waist. The way it looked like her beads were going to choke her to death around her thick neck. And the way she…had given them both failing grades on a recent test.

“We should study together!” says Saul. “Maybe if we used each other’s brains we’d have one whole brain.”

All I Have to Do Is Dream by The Everly Brothers plays.

“Yeah.” said Melvin.

Saul smiled at him.

“Well…gee…I’ll see you tomorrow.” says Melvin.

“No! …You should join us.” says Saul, throwing Melvin the basketball.

Melvin laughs. Fumbles. Tries not to. Desperately trying to look cool. Saul notices.

Cathy’s Clown by The Everly Brothers plays loudly.

The boys play basketball. Melvin is…terrible at it. But he tries. …He desperately tries.

Saul stares at Melvin…the way…JFK looked…in the photos he took in the snow…at Choate…with Lem Billings. And…Melvin…couldn’t look at him almost at all.

They spent hours playing. And after the third boy went home…they kept playing.

At 8 PM they stopped.

“Well…I better go home. I’m already late for dinner.” said Saul.

It was a late September night.

“Okay. Sure!” said Melvin. “Hey! Why but come to my house!?” he said, cheerfully.

Saul blinked.

And in silence in 1952…they stood in shock. Unclear on what they were both feeling. Unclear on what they were both experiencing.

By December they were close. And by May they were “best friends.” And…that’s all it was. They both had girlfriends by graduation. Both of them.

Saul’s mother was hopeful he’d marry his girlfriend. She was very sweet. Dark hair. Pretty. They were happy actually. In love even.

After Kennedy was shot…Saul finished his third year working at a car dealership in Peoria and…Melvin was…excited to announce he was going to pursue a masters degree after graduation. An MBA.

And…neither of them…ever…stopped writing. Ever.

The song starts over.

Writing. Calling. Meeting. Playing basketball. Melvin got better over time.

Susan…had Saul’s heart…but…she also had great aspirations. She wanted to be…an actress. So…she left…

At first Saul was genuinely devastated. …It’s unclear how much Melvin knew. Melvin was smart…but could also be a bit…dense.

But…when Saul needed a shoulder to cry on…Melvin was…kind. They played basketball. For hours.

For days. Weeks. They played basketball.

Melvin refused to let Saul be that sad.

The summer night before they would be separated by the Vietnam War…Saul drafted first…he and Melvin felt…compelled to try to be in love.

“I wish I could date you.” said Melvin.

“I wish I could date…you.” said Saul.

“Yeah. Wouldn’t that be nice!?” said Melvin.

They sat next to creek. Feet in the water, drinking beer from brown glass bottles. Alone. Far fewer mosquitoes than today.

“Yeah. That’s for sure! …I…understand you.” said Saul to Melvin.

Melvin laughed and then began to cry.

Saul decided to hold him.

And the next day…Saul left for Vietnam.

When Will I Be Loved by The Everly Brothers plays.

Melvin…loved the Everly Brothers.

But he also loved…

Help by the Beatles plays.

He was drafted four months later.

Amazingly neither young man died. Or maybe not amazingly…depending. Death in war is complex.

You’re Gonna To Lose That Girl by The Beatles plays.

Saul and Melvin…Mel and Saul…were as in love as two gay men can be. Truly supportive of each other.

After they returned from Vietnam…never failing to keep in touch…they passionately reunited. After the war they felt…less sure of many things. But they were sure they cared about each other. More than anyone else alive.

Still…they couldn’t handle it. Both of them.

Melvin…felt…scared. His family would be…extremely upset.

Saul also fear the reaction of his family.

And so…they…mutually agreed…openly…to not…”get married.” They….just “kept in touch.” Which meant…they basically got over each other, almost. Not quite. But almost. …They both married women.

Saul and his wife had a bad marriage but they determined to stay together. Had three kids.

NbMelvin had two. His marriage was happy enough.

Saul died first. Then his wife. Then Melvin’s wife. And Melvin lingers.

…Did they ever cheat? …No. …They actually didn’t. …Well…okay. I guess they did. In a way. …Melvin…laughed too hard around Saul. And they spent hours talking around New Years Eve, every year. On the phone or in person. They never touched. They just…talked.

Saul drank too much. But…he was often cheerful. Making jokes. A good father by most accounts. And him and his wife were at least somewhat in love.

How did they keep talking without sexual contact? All those years!? …Because they had restraint. …And they were in love with their wives. And…maybe they’d hurt each other some when they ended things. Maybe it was just too painful. Maybe they were terrified of completely losing each other. And so they savored every chance to just…talk. Still retiring to their wives…who they really did love and find attractive…safely.

That’s the real Brokeback Mountain. That’s…the real Jack and Lem. Regardless of whether or not homosexuality is allowed in Heaven.

Why didn’t they run off together? Because…1. They were bisexual. …So they actually found their wives attractive. For real. And it wasn’t just as if…the sex they were having with their wives wasn’t…real. It wasn’t as if it didn’t do anything. They were attached to their wives. They may have even worried about losing them.

And…they were…scared. They were mutually assured destruction scared. They couldn’t…harm each other. Because they cared about each other for real. They had one mind together…and they mutually decided TOGETHER…to…keep it…as a “friendship.” A real friendship, as much as they could manage.

“This is good. This is pretty accurate!” says God.

“What’s the fake in the Jack and Lem?” asks a gay man of God.

“Jack’s inability to live in any sort of actual love for Lem. He’s entirely selfish. There’s no give and take. …Romantic and sexual relationships don’t survive that long with that dynamic. Ever. …Marriages can. But not romantic and sexual relationships. …Attachments can. But…the way you’ve described them…as it is presented by historical evidence…means that…any sort of real relationship is impossible. …They’re phony. It’s a fake story.” says God.

“There’s no way…we could have….a loose relationship???” says a gay man.

“No. …He’d have been…a very different person. And his role would have been dramatically different.” says God.

“Let’s talk about social class.” says Lem.

Awkward stares.

“That’s a sad, beautiful love story. Of possible insanity. Or real tragedy.” says Rupert Brooke.

More awkward stares.

“Lacey’s family is rich.” says Matt. “We’re just cheap. Here’s a list of things we could do…to impress you. But don’t.

1. Buy a new private plane
2. Buy a yacht
3. Run for Governor of North Dakota
4. Run for the US Senate
5. Go to Ivy League schools
6. Buy multiple new Hermes bags
7. Buy a few luxury cars
8. Build $6 million estates all over North Dakota
9. Own well bred horses
10. Buy…$400,000 pieces of jewelry.” says Matt.

Awkward silence.

“What could she do, personally?” asks a perfume blogger.

“1. Own a $100,000 diamond ring

2. Own two (real, near perfect condition) Hermes Birkins

3. Own a country house

4. Own a decent wine collection

All in edition to what she already has.” says Matt.

“What does she use?” asks a perfume collector.

“A restored Louis Vuitton Noe, An open bottle of Prosecco in the refrigerator, limoncello, sloe gin, Hendricks gin, Vermouth…Absinthe…a Kate Spade bag…A few vintage bags…a vintage Coach bag…a vintage Louis Vuitton Speedy 25…a Launer Traviata…and she has an Alma PM and vodka on her list.” says Matt.

“No whisky?” says a man.

“No. She can’t stand whisky. For the most part.” he says.

“What’s her favorite wine?” says a reader.

“2010 Burgundy.” says Matt.

“I had it London…for dinner…in 2012…and I’ve never forgotten it.” says Lacey.

“Was Jack really cerebral?” asks NBC.

Matt laughs. “No!!”

“I’m sorry you died.” says Donald Trump.

Matt nods. “Yeah!!” he says.

“Lacey that’s like…$300 a bottle now.” says Miley.

“Yeah! It really was good.” says Lacey.

“I’m sad. Lacey those gay men…make me sad.” says a woman.

“They’re happy. If they’re with me. They find…a perfect mate.” says God.

“Did they ruin it?” says a woman to God.

“Yes. They would have. …If their love is real. Sadly…they would have ruined it.” says God.

“Did any gay couples…who didn’t…resist societal pressures…ever not ruin it?” says a gay man.

“If I allowed it…it’d be very rare.” says God.

“Why!?” he says.

“It ruins the trust. You just…can’t…build safety that way. Friendships? Yes. But not…safety.” says God.

“Is it allowed!??” asks a feminist.

“I’ve advised Lacey not to discuss that as of yet.” says God.

“So those two men…love each other…have sex…and then…it’s just…friendship?!?” says a gay man. “They find rare love…and then…throw it away?”

“Yes, if I allowed it…they would have.” says God.

“You’re a Chantilly wearer!!” says a woman to Lacey.

“No. That’s a LIE!” says God. “You meant that as an insult. But it’s so…passive aggressive it doesn’t even make sense.

What are you trying to say?”

“That she’s EVIL.” says a woman.

“How?” says God.

“She’s repressive??” she says.

“ARE YOU JOKING!?” says Donald Trump. “HARDLY!”

A living Nazi working with Trump laughs at the woman.

“But she knows these men are in love!” she says.

“NO! It’s NOT THAT SIMPLE!” says Ivana Trump’s ghost.

“There are real reputable theologians still claiming homosexuality is a sin?!? Or a perversion!?” she says.

“VERY MUCH SO!!!” says Tucker Carlson, in shock. “ABSOLUTELY!!!”

“HOW do you NOT KNOW THAT!?” says Vladimir Putin.

“Oops.” says Casi.

Return To Sender by Elvis plays.

“You all don’t understand Lacey. …You talk to her like she’s a shrew. She’s NOT!” says a dead woman.

“Has she ever told any man she’s a lesbian?” asks an actress.

“NO!!!!” yells Tara Fitzgerald, appalled.

From Me To You by the Beatles plays.

The song plays.

1:09

Lacey laughs.

1:25

Lem opens his arms.

The song ends.

You Can’t Do That by The Beatles plays.

“Uh oh.” says Bobby Kennedy Senior, like a toddler. As a toddler.

And in 1903 Joe Kennedy Senior vomits over his own sex life. Why? Because to him…sex is EVIL. And…that’s his real personal opinion, so to speak. …A closeted Puritanical, closeted prude. Sadly evil nonetheless.

Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley plays.

The song plays.

A romantic woman reading her blog cries. Over the two men from Pekin, Illinois.

“Are they happy?” she says to God, weeping.

“YES! …I would never let them be unhappy in my presence. YES! Fear not.” says God.

She stops crying slightly. Thinks.

“Do they even exist?” she says.

“Yes.” says God.

And at that she half smiles. “I like them.” she says.

The song ends.