Category Archives: Journal

Laura and Lacey try to make sense of the “ether”.

The Illuminati 1.: So I heard Lacey and Lem together. This morning.

Who’s channeling him?

The Illuminati 2.: Did Hayden channel Lacey?

The Illuminati 3.: …Princess Anne says her mother never used a channel. And she was offended on behalf of Hayden…but she was-

Princess Anne says…there is no channel.

The Illuminati 1.: Doesn’t Rick do Lem?

The Illuminati 2.: Do him?! As in…do…him?

The Illuminati 3.: Princess Anne says there’s absolutely no chance there’s a channel.

A reader: Aren’t y’all supposed to be doing a war or something??!

Princess Anne: I AGREE!

The Illuminati 1.: Was Sam doing Lem?

The Illuminati 2.: NON! …I say, we try to think ghosts are real.

I see Hayden staring at me. It’s creepy. But I’m-

She just disappeared.

Did Christy have something to do with this?

The Illuminati 3.: Apparently, they all heard Lem and Lacey. A month ago.

The Illuminati 4.: Why were they listening!?!

The Illuminati 2.: WE TOLD THEM TO! OR ELSE!

Eric: You can’t keep embracing evil. I almost think Satan killed both Christy and Hayden. Because he felt so sorry for them.

The Illuminati 1.: He’d never do that.

The Illuminati 2.: No, he might.

The Illuminati 3.: Are we this dysfunctional!?

Ever since we started attacking Lacey and her family…I’ve been insulted.

They’re making us suffer!

God: No. You’re seeing the truth. And you’re destroying yourselves by attacking the truth.

Every day. Every day you do something to attack truth.

Matt: I’m sure Hayden is HAPPY.

God: She is, Matt. She just misses her daughter.

Matt: As she would.

I’m happy for her! MUST BE NICE. All that cool fresh air.

Lacey: YES!

But I’m sure she does miss her daughter!

Matt: Let’s not get jealous, Lacey.

A Hasidic Jew: I take you two aren’t in a…happy gilgul?

Matt: I’m POOR. And HOT. No, not just attractive. I’m HOT.

It’s been like Hell this summer.

Lacey: Ha! I’m not commenting.

Matt: I’m happy for her.

What shouldn’t we be jealous of?

Octavius: Matthew…you know full well! She’s with God.

Matt: *cries*

Then she’s miserable!

Octavius: I can’t believe your faith is so weak! You may have been a very strong Believer.

Matt: *laughs*

I probably still am.

I just worry about what God would say about me if I died right now.

Octavius: Fear of God…without rejection…is good!

You’re on the right track, my man.

Matt: Why did I DO THIS!? …My daughter! Poor darling.

Octavius: Yes. We pray for you, you see. We love you.

Matt: Let me get this right. You pray for me!?

Octavius: Yes! I’m outside of time. I always knew you’d be confused and think we are possibly related…or…WE ARE. *he cackles, jokingly*

Matt: I love you man!

Octavius: *Tries not to cry*

Casi: Matt’s family is…AMAZING.

God: And this is why…Matt and Lacey…are trying not to be jealous. Of Hayden.

Daveigh: I was worried after I died that people were going to start copying me.

Yes, most people have no idea how bad it is.

Lacey is 42 but she remembers when Hayden and I were young. And cool. And today she went into shock seeing pictures of Hayden because she remembers when Hayden was doing hair commercials.

And she remembers looking at pictures of Hayden and thinking, “If only I could just be happy like that person.” As in like, “I wish I wasn’t so messed-up and sad all the time and such a depressed loser.”. And no, most of the people who she was surrounded by were not depressed.

Hayden actually was, but she did a really good impersonation of somebody who was happy. And I did a good job acting happy too.

I think of Lacey had stared at Hayden and I long enough, she would’ve realized that we were not happy.  But people aren’t looking that closely and they know how to edit for the moment that we look our best.  She would’ve seen it, though, if she looked closely enough. 

To be honest, I’m happy to be dead.

People who have read this blog and judged her for writing stuff like that are morons.

Matt: *nods emphatically* *laughs*

A man pooing, in Iowa. He has parasites. He ate lettuce.: I’m going to KILL THAT BASTARD!

Bobby: *laughs*

Blame the man. Not “The man”.

A man pooing, in Iowa: I HATE YOU, YOU SICK-

Bobby: Why is he so upset?

Princess Anne: Perhaps he’s unwell.

Bobby: *laughs*

The things I’ve done!

Trump: We’re better than the alternative.

Bobby: I’m the best man on your team!

I’m the light!

Joe Biden: Go home ET! *he says to Lacey*

Doesn’t she look like ET? *he jokes to Bobby*

Chris Farley: You sound sedated, Joe.

Joe Biden: I’m not! I’m fine! FUCK YOU!

A woman reading her blog: You look like ET too, Joe.

Joe Biden: *laughs at Lacey*

A woman reading her blog: Did he hear me?

Bobby: Can’t! He’s Illuminated. Not you!

I’m Illuminated too.

…Do you understand what it means to be Illuminated?

A poor child: *in agony, crying out for help*

Mollock: KILL THE CHILD! KILL THE CHILD and I’ll bring money to the U.S..

Joe Biden: We don’t kill children.

Ghislaine: We did molest them though, Joe.

Joe Biden: “We” did that on behalf of the poor! And you can’t tell me we did the wrong thing.

“We” were saving lives!

Ghislaine: We were giving away free crayons. To poor kids. In Chicago.

Joe Biden: That’s not how I see it! No, sir! That’s not how I see it.

Tonette Nesheim: How do you see it?

Joe Biden: YOU WICKED BITCH!

Tonette: *laughs*

Why’s he saying that?

The CID: The oil.

I think?

Tonette: It’s not thata way.

Joe Biden: You say so, huh!?

Tonette: You’re a stubborn son-of-a-bitch? Huh?

Joe Biden: I’ll kill you! You WHORE!

The CID: She’s been dead since 2007? 2008?

Joe Biden: But she’s still a WHORE!

God: Joe, that’s absolutely insane. She was the complete opposite!

Joe Biden: I MAKE NO MISTAKES!

The Pope: That makes two of us.

God: That was a disgusting joke!

The Pope: She’s saying that! Not GOD! I’m THE POPE!

Jim: Are you really the Pope!?

The Pope: *looks deeply offended and menacing*

Jim: Who hired you?

Karrie (Jim’s daughter): He’s real. But just barely.

Uncle Ron can’t stand him anyway.

Becca: *cries*

Jim: *looks shocked*

How are they channeling you?

Karrie: I like my name, by the way. It doesn’t suit Lacey. But I love Karrie Linn. It’s flattering.

I’m more like Becca, than Lacey. By the way.

Yeah. It’s just…- *she shrugs* I’m just here.

Becca: How!? How are you just here!?

Karrie: You know!

I’m just-

I’m just-

They just make it easy for us to appear.

That’s the best way I can describe it.

Jim: So you’re not in Don Lemon’s head. You just…exist?

Karrie: Yes!

She can channel us. Lacey. But…we just exist. We’re just…here.

A female reader, from the perfume community: Creepy as fuck!

Karrie: Ahh…no.

Maybe you are!

*she makes a face*

You’ll die too!!!

*she rolls her eyes like Alys*

Alys: You seem like me!

Karrie: We’re cousins.

Alys: *laughs*

Becca: Would you have done missionary work?

A female reader from the perfume community: But doesn’t that scare you? Jim and Becca? The way Lacey talks to your daughter?

I find Lacey UGLY and…SCARY!

Jim: *cries*

YOU BITCH! *he yells at the woman*

I guarantee you, LACEY is FAR better looking than YOU! And A LOT kinder!

Lacey doesn’t practice witchcraft. GET A CLUE!

Karrie: Yes.

I’d have gone to Venezuela and Puerto Rico. And I’d have begged to go to the USSR.

Jim: *laughs*

Wow!

Karrie: I’m not as smart as Lacey. But I’m not stupid. You know?

Jim: Yeah!

Becca: *gets incredibly angry*

Alys: We’d have been close.

Karrie: Yeah. She’s a bad replacement for me. She’s an awesome her. But we’re not…the same.

Bryn: You sound like Alys.

Karrie: Do I!?

Stephen: You do! You sound like my daughter.

Terese: Hi!

Karrie: Hey!

Bryn: What sports do you play?

Karrie: Tennis. Jim would have been insistent on giving me tennis lessons.

He’s classy.

Ron: *nods and smiles*

Karrie: Art.

*she laughs*

No, I play tennis.

Alys: You play basketball! WITH ME.

Karrie: *laughs*

Terese: I suppose you know my daughter?

Karrie: We talk.

Mark Nesheim: We all have fun!

Karrie: I’m not happy about how you treated Lacey.

I love you all. But I’m not okay.

Alys: She frustrates me.

Karrie: For real, yo.

*awkward silence*

Matt Nesheim: I had a crush on Lacey.

Karrie: She’s not his cousin. I am!

*she smiles really big*

Becca: Wouldn’t he have thought of her like his cousin?

Karrie: MOM…-

They barely ever saw each other.

Becca: And they were second cousins.

Karrie: Yeah!

She’s not his cousin.

You used to go on and on about how everyone loved her? Nah! …She never fit in.

He-

He saw her as a cousin. But…it got weird. He saw her once as at 15…and then at 26!? She was almost like a different person.

Matt: The crush was before that.

Karrie: BUT SHE WAS NOT EVEN HIS COUSIN!

Matt: I just- *he shrugs*

She didn’t seem like my cousin.

Karrie: I get it!

*she looks offended on Matt’s behalf*

The Duke of Northumberland: I just couldn’t think of her as a cousin.

Casi: I get it too.

Something just felt off?

The Duke: YES! Very much so.

Stephen: Well, I guess you could have dated her.

The Duke: *nods*

*later*

Another reader: When do things go back to normal?

God: *laughs*

Casi: You’re a moron.

Things don’t.

I mean, I want them to. But…it’s not like we can-

Lacey’s neighbor: So she just is Tom Banks’s daughter?

God: YES.

*later*

A Man: How many of you had a crush on her? *to her family*

Matt: A few!

A Man: Did she bore you?

Matt: She did bore them. Yes.

*later*

A Man: Did she cry, when people started attacking her? In the society? And they began to slowly reveal to her how the Nesheims really felt about her?

Matt: Yeah!

A Man: Do they understand that she knows!?

Matt: *laughs and says no*

A Man: What!? It seems like they do.

Matt: *indicates so-so with his hand*

A Man: So they knew she wasn’t one of them?

Matt: We did. But we didn’t have a way to explain it.

Jim always said she looked like him.

But she didn’t really look that much like him. There’s a similarity, but…they have different faces. They’re similar.

She looks a lot more like Tom.

Matt’s Dad: You noticed that!?

Matt: Yes.

Karrie: Jim should know. But I don’t think he’s going to talk about it.

Funny how they all like me more, instantly.

I’m hurt for Lacey.

Lem: I’m not surprised!

No! I’m just a ghost.

Rick isn’t “being me”.

Listen to “Hot Blooded” by New Constellations.

Eric possibly channels Bobby Kennedy Junior.

Bobby Kennedy Junior:

You may be thinking to yourself, “How the hell is that handsome sexy man, a cabinet member?

“I had no idea a man could be as sexy as Bobby Kennedy Junior, and also be that smart.”

Well, I have good news for you, ladies!

I exist.

3:30

That’s right I am 5 foot 9, but I look like 6 foot 2. People have told me my whole life that I look really tall.

Well, enough about that! Right ladies? We all know it’s not just size that matters.

*he laughs*

You may be reading this blog thinking to yourself, “I thought that Kirk Lemoyne Billings, of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, born in 1916, was a closeted gay man. Hey, what’s going on? I thought he was best friends with the former president of the United States, commonly known as JFK.”

Yup.

You know, I knew Lem. *he looks VERY angry* I actually knew him!

I actually knew Lem!

I have to listen to this woman in Minnesota tell me all of this stupid false information. Daily.

And I am offended.

Look don’t be too hard on her OK? Because I’m sure she’s probably a nice person, and she’s just had a really crap life.

I know a thing or two about having a tough life. Actually, I know a hell of a lot more than most people, including her.

I probably had the most difficult life of anyone to ever live. My father was Robert Kennedy Senior he was assassinated. You may know about that?

Yes, my father was assassinated in June 1968.

I repeat my father was assassinated on television in June 1968. I was only 14 years old.

I was only 14 years old.

Father died when I was just a mere 14 years old. And I was his son…and he died.

Can you really get a more painful life than that?

My mother was also a huge bitch, and she used to slap me.

And I probably have a personality disorder, according to some people.

So when you add all things together, it’s absolutely awful life.

Somewhere in there, is evidence to suggest that I have had a really terrible life, more than anyone else.

Anyway, it sounds different when you hear it from some people. Those people know a hell of a lot more about history than I do.

Yes, I have had to read about my father to remember him, at times. I don’t have a very good memory and I was using a lot of drugs in my teenage years.

Truthfully, I don’t really even remember Lem all that well.

I do remember him.

I mean, I remember him.

No, I definitely remember him! 

I do!

Yeah, I do. I remember. 

And you know-

See Lacey says that she was married to him for almost 15 years. But then that would mean that there’s reincarnation. And we all know that that has been debunked.

I don’t think there’s anyone of sound mind who really believes that.

No, most of Asia doesn’t believe in reincarnation anymore.

At least that’s the impression I gathered?

Didn’t they stop believing in that a while ago cause it’s sort of old-fashioned?

Anyway, that’s the truth. I think I’m gonna say it that way: there’s no way that anyone of sound mind believes that, any of that, is real. 

Anyway, I guess that’s the story and then they want me to believe that he was straight.

I don’t know. I just I like to be really careful with stuff like that. You don’t want to believe something like that too quickly. 

Did he look gay? YAS!

He was the gayest man I ever met.

A reader: Did he have a “Playboy” collection?

That sounds vaguely possible.

A reader: That sounds vaguely possible!?!

Yeah, it sounds vaguely possible.

*he feels nervous*

A reader: So you’re saying it’s possible?

*he stares*

*looks surprised*

*decides to be quiet*

A reader: You’re saying it’s vaguely possible and I just caught you.

*refuses to speak*

OK, yeah, he might have?

Another reader: What gay man has a “Playboy” collection? 

I think he was just doing it to try to be normal and seem like Jack and fit in with Jack and be like Jack, because he was obsessed with Jack.

Matt: Bobby, that doesn’t make any sense. I’m sorry.

Yeah, it does. Couldn’t you just read all of them simply because you were trying desperately to fit in with someone?

Matt: I think you mean, collect them and put them neatly somewhere. Did you have a sense that he was reading them?

*he stares*

Yes! I think you could easily collect “Playboy” for years and read it and just think “Hey…I don’t know what this is about, but I’m just gonna keep playing along! Because I want to fit it!”

Matt: How many years was he collecting this? 

Decades.

Matt: And he was reading it periodically for decades!? 

Yes.

Matt: Bobby, that does not seem possible. I’m sorry there’s no way he was gay. When I look at him, I see why you might think he is, but there’s something about him that isn’t real. I think he was a very fake person. And I think you’re so used to being fake and you’re so used to being surrounded by other fake people that you don’t really know the difference.

I’m not saying he was fake in his heart, but I don’t think he was being himself.

I think he was being something entirely different than what he is.

I have a feeling he was too straight to enjoy that magazine, to be honest. I wonder if he was suicidal most of his life.

God: He was.

*gets very quiet*

My mother thought he was abusing me a lot of other people did too, and it definitely became a mindset that I had whenever I was around him. 

Sometimes he would lean-in and talk to me and act like he was flirting with me and say, “My goodness, you have such a pretty hair!”

Matt: *nods*

And I would smile and say, “Lem, that’s only something you should say to girls!” 

*he laughs*

And he would say, “Bobby, you know I’m a fruit!” 

And I would say, “Lem, you’ve gotta stop crushing on men who are not really interested in you!” 

And he would just stare at me and be like “whatever man can’t help it!”

And then other times he would open doors for me and be like, “You go first, your majesty!”

And I thought, “Wow, this man is pathetic “

And then sometimes he would look at me and be like “Bobby you are obviously the smartest guy in your entire family!” and I would say, “You know we’ve got to try to be nice to other people!” Nice to them, you know? Because I know you and I are like best friends, and you have kind of like a thing for me, but let’s try to think of everyone in the whole family.

I mean, I was like Lem, chill buddy, calm down! *he laughs* Dude, take a chill pill!

And he would just be like, no I’m just, you know, insanely in love with you.

*he thinks*

And I was obviously totally trusting this man.

*feels overwhelmed*

Matt: *nods*

I really think he was crazy about me.

*he says, with less conviction*

Yeah, OK I guess a “Playboy” collection is a little weird. 

I struggle to be faithful. I cannot imagine being that reserved!

I almost think he wanted to kill me because he was so sexually frustrated.

*he thinks*

Matt:  Are you actually a safe person to be in charge of the food supply? 

A lot of people don’t think so. Obviously, I think I’m fine.

Lacey has told me through Eric if he’s channeling me right now, that she thinks I could get assassinated within the next two years.

The CID: And that makes you angry because that’s not how Lem treated you.

Yeah. Whatever.

Anyway, even though this makes sense by tomorrow morning, I’ll probably go back to thinking that Lem was gay. So enjoy the next two hours of me wondering if Lem wasn’t.

This has been one of the more convincing conversations I’ve had with you folks.

But by tomorrow morning, yeah, I will be right as rain and I will think I was right all along. “These people are idiots. I have it all figured out and turns out Lem was gay.”

A reader:  Can you fix that?

No.  No, I’ve had many wives try to fix me over the years and it’s not possible. 

Lem tried to convince me that I was the object of his affection, and I am apt to believe that sort of thing. 

If you tell me that you admire me, I never forget it.

If you tell me that you hate me, I might forget that.

I’m a special sort of person. Is it because I’m a good person. No. It’s because I just can’t imagine anyone not liking me and in my case is for narcissistic reasons. 

I just can’t imagine it.

So be careful telling me that you have a crush on me because I take that very, very, very, very seriously. 

I am lovable, but maybe I take it a little too seriously.

Anyway, Lem used to give me large amounts of heroin, and I would almost die. One time he shoved a heroin needle in my shoulder when I was 20…and I collapsed on the bathroom floor in New York City…and I was out and they thought I was dead. 

Have few of my girlfriends hated him because they thought he was a horrible person who was trying to kill me.

And I just used to reassure them that that wasn’t remotely possible. He was just an old coot. Yeah he was just an old weirdo who was sad.

And then I would go check on him and try to really engage in some deep meaningful conversation and sometimes we talked. And then I would leave just before he’d start crying.

Mom always said, “If he starts getting ready to cry, just leave!” 

So I’d be like, “See you later, alligator!” 

I’ve been popular my whole life. 

He was weird.

Yeah, he would shoot me full of heroin and I would just fall on the ground. I’d wake-up with stiff necks.  I don’t think he cared. 

I think he was madly in love with me, but I don’t think he knew how to express it.

Matt: Wow, that was a fast turnaround.

Well, I’m just thinking about it and I remembering him and the way he used to talk to me. We had intimate conversations about his feelings and our emotions. I don’t think it’s possible for a man to speak like that without being in love with you.

Matt: That’s not true Bobby. 

Oh yeah, then why do you believe it?

Matt: OK, but it’s not true.

Then why did he wanna take me to Haiti and Hawaii? It was to see me in a swimsuit.

I mean, granted I used to wear shorts around him, sometimes even might tighty whities, but I just think swim trunks are more sexual.

And I used to wear swim trunks when we go on vacation. I just think he was taking me on vacation to see me in swim trunks.

That and he was afraid that we were being spied on, everywhere we went. We couldn’t find a place alone for him to finally come on to me.

Did he ever do it? No. But I just don’t think he could ever find a place where he wasn’t worried or being watched.

A reader: But then you have to think if he was so worried about that why wasn’t he worried that they’d see the two of you having intimate conversations? 

Because that’s not sexual.

A reader: But it would probably look sexual to them if you were staring into each other‘s eyes being intimate? 

You can’t tell when people are talking if they’re being intimate, ever.

A reader: Then how did your wives catch you? 

But you’re saying intimate like intimate I’m saying like “intimate”.

A reader: You seem so much smarter than this on television. 

I think this is what they edited out of “Eyes Wide Shut”. How stupid some of you actually are.

Fine, but he did come on to me!

No, he didn’t. You’ve already said that he didn’t.

When did I say that?

You said that!

I never said!

Yes, you did!

When did I say that?

You said that!

Gosh, I really don’t think I said that.

I think you said that. Matter of fact, I know you said.

Then he didn’t come on!

Yeah.

But you know, he did come on to me. 

Listen to “The Second Waltz” by Shostakovich.

He came on to me!

No, he didn’t.

Then how did he come on to me?

He never did!

Then my life is a lie.

Then your life is a lie. 

*Bobby stares in shock*

Who are you?

The ghost of Martha Moxley.

That’s why I think you’re pretty.

Yeah.

I thought you were a young woman alive today.

Martha Moxley: No.

Did she see you die?

Yup!

She knows that some guy lost their temper, some man, some young man, some male.

Who convinced her to think I was attractive?

Honey Fitz. To tell you the truth, Joe really did have a crush on her, big time. And Honey Fitz was sure that Joe was basically perfect.

She’s Tom’s daughter. It’s really that simple.

And no, it’s crazy, but he just started thinking of her as someone who was supposed to have married Joe.

He was really nice to her until she was in her 20s.

So he tricked her into coming back and then he was nice?

Yeah. He had a really serious problem.

So your whole family just completely screwed her over.

What the hell did she think of Lem before any of this happened? 

She thought that he was dumb. Just incredibly retarded.

And she thought that he was just an absolute idiot, but underneath all that she still loved him.

She wouldn’t have thought that if she had stayed on the other side, that was her, trying to adjust her thinking to fit in with people.

She’s trying to explain what actually happened and you just didn’t wanna hear it.

Let me tell you something. There are aliens.

Tucker Carlson has seen them.

They’re green and they’re blue.

I have heard that the blue ones can be violent. I’m not trying to say anything, but I wonder if you were killed by a blue alien. A blue male alien. 

I have never met any blue aliens, but Tucker has and he says that they frequently have attacked him and he’s been able to fend them off using a makeshift-makeshift laser.

I don’t particularly think that I would ever wanna meet one. 

But I have a very strong feeling if I ever met a blue alien…that I would kick its ass. I mean Tucker‘s not short, but he’s a little on the flabby side. I’m sure you can see him.

I’ve been working out. And yeah, OK sometimes I use a cane. Sometimes I’m bedridden, sometimes I’m in a chair. 

I am still a threat.

The green aliens are fine. They’re perfectly nice.

Anyway, those are top secret bits of information for a Miss Martha.

Thank you.

You really are pretty.

It’s funny how she’s disappearing now.

Anyway, I’m not too worried about aliens Tucker says that he’s met them many times and they’re completely fine.

A reader: Didn’t you just tell us the blue ones are violent?

Oh yeah, but if Tucker can take him, I think pretty much anyone could.

I’m not saying he’s a wimp, but he’s fat. I don’t think he works out.

He’s not a small man though.

I think if there’s an alien that is blue, pink, purple or even orange, I would be suspicious. Those are girly colors. And there’s no way that any alien who could be a threat would be pink.

I mean, we’re sort of pinky peach. But we’re not aliens.

True.

So.

What’s it like working for Donald Trump?

I mean, I hate it.

I’m secretly still a Democrat.

I’m not really like a Democrat, but I’m secretly still a Democrat. And I don’t hate him. He’s nice. But I’ve had to screw over the environment so many times and as much as I don’t really give a shit, it is somewhat distasteful.

See, he believes that oil is a good thing. He thinks that we should stop harming children as much.

I still find it distasteful.

I should’ve just gone with Lem to Haiti and let him look at me in my trunks.

We’re back to that!

Yeah, we’re back to that.

He didn’t come on to me.

But dammit he wanted to.

He wanted to run up to me and say, “Bobby, fuck me!”

He wanted to drive to me and say, “Bobby let me take you to another world!”

And then he wanted to throw me…somewhere. And…be sexy.  

Bobby, are you really this bad?

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 And then just say, “Hey, you’re hot!” 

“You’re a hot man!” 

And then I would’ve said, “Wow, Lem!” Of course I would’ve been out of my mind for a second before I started kung-fu fighting him. I would’ve kung-fu fought him and said “Let’s make love, kung-fu style.” I would’ve thrown him all over.

And he would’ve looked at me finally three days later and said, “You’ve destroyed me!” But with this look of absolute bliss, where obviously, he had never been happier his entire life.

Would you have married him?

Yeah!!! And then I would’ve divorced him two weeks later.

And I would’ve gotten married to some extraordinarily beautiful woman or man.

And lived with my Mercedes in a mansion.

My family had a lot of money, but I still used daydream about being rich.

So I would have taken my wife in my Mercedes and I would’ve said to Lem, “I’m sorry I’m too straight.” 

That is definitely showing him.

He was kind of a prick.

Maybe you weren’t in love.

Maybe he wasn’t gay!

*he laughs*

Well, it’ll all be gone by tomorrow morning.

You know, I’m really tired of Cheryl.

Do you think they’ll be a wife number 4?

I think there will be a wife number 25.

*he looks mad*

Martha what did I just tell everyone?

She’s gone, Bobby.

Did I tell people about how I was thinking that I would kung fu fight Lem?

Not at all!

This is satire. This isn’t funny. This is far too close to reality.

Why would you sue her? 

I don’t know what you’re talking about.