Category Archives: Journal

Listen to “The Ride of the Valkyries: ‘Die Walkure’” by Richard Wagner, as performed by London Symphony Orchestra.

Lacey: What year is it?

Hitler: Hmm?

Lacey: What year is it?

Hitler: Ahh! Well, my dear it’s 1960.

Lacey: Let’s go further back!!

Hitler: Alright.

It’s 1950.

Lacey: If this is boring for you, let me know.

Hitler: No. I’m just worried.

But we’ll see.

Lacey: I’m having fun!

Hitler: Goody.

Now what?

Lacey: How broke are we?

Hitler: VERY!

Lacey: HOW BROKE!?

Hitler: *panics*

No. We’re safe.

It’s apparently safe for people to understand how brilliant you are with money.

So now what? –

It’s bad.

It’s very bad. You have…basically ten cents.

Lacey: What land do we have?

Hitler: All of Great Britain.

A bit of this and that.

Lacey: *thinks*

WE SHALL GO INTO COMPETITION WITH THE US.

Hitler: How?

Lacey: WE SHALL MAKE THEM BEG!!! FOR OUR APPROVAL. Actually, for the approval of the WHOLE WORLD.

Hitler: How money can be made? Lord Loughborough is helping.

Lacey: IT WORKS.

Hitler: It does. You make…millions?

Lacey: Yes!!!

How much?

Hitler: Billions.

Lacey: GOOD!

And what’s the damage?

The song ends.

Listen to “Overture: ‘Der Fliegende Hollander’” by Wagner.

Hitler: The world has severe emotional distress.

Lacey: How badly?

Hitler: Well…Great Britain is FAR better off. Actually, we’re…almost happy.

But…China, especially, is literally hurt.

Lacey: Emotionally or physically?

Hitler: Emotionally.

Lacey: They’ll recover.

Actually, we can fix it.

We’ll spread good cheer.

Hitler: Within ten years the whole world has recovered. No one is the wiser.

And Great Britain is…financially stable.

Lacey: I guess I didn’t need to start a war.

Was anyone seriously harmed?

Hitler: No. Actually.

Nefertiti: *laughs*

Yes, that’s how I raised you. The little I did.

Good.

Hitler: I forget Tutankhamen was her brother.

God: They’re quite good at this.

Hitler: What if we had started a war!?

Lacey: YES!

Hitler: Let’s do it!

Lacey: Okay!

*she thinks*

We start a war with…Hawaii.

Hitler: WHAT!?

Lacey: Yes.

We start small.

And…I guess if they don’t take us up on it…

We start a war…with…North Korea.

Hitler: Later.

Lacey: Yes.

Fine! We start a war with Korea.

Hitler: Would she guide us to victory?

God: YUP!

And of course you’re wealthier. Although you have to annex ALL of Korea. As a new British territory, so to speak.

Alisha: How many other aliens are in Great Britain.

A dead man: Princess Anne is an alien. They all are. As in, all British people are aliens. From the planet Zorb.

Alisha: That’s not true.

A dead man: You’re right.

Lacey: Anyway.

Matt: Do you understand what happened now?

Lem: Not enough.

*later*

An American (white) gay man’s brain practically explodes, when he realizes Lacey really isn’t attracted to women. He can’t believe any woman could be so…brilliant at running a country…and be sexy…and not be a lesbian.

A reader: How do you make sense of Nefertiti?

The man: You can’t tell that this man isn’t gay!!

A reader: He’s not.

But that’s not Lem.

He’s not either, but that also isn’t Lem.

A reader: He doesn’t look gay. He looks insane.

God: He was losing his mind in that photo, already.

He almost totally lost his mind, at times. But never completely.

He seems gay…until you really look.

He seems potentially many things, until you really look. Provided you know enough about what everything looks like.

God: That’s far more Lem. As he actually is.

A reader: That is him!

I’m almost positive this all happened.

But I feel like I’m losing my mind.

God: Why!?

A reader: AHH…because Lem was gay to me. Until I read this blog.

And now I swear he’s Constantine.

Constantine: Do I look even bisexual?

Lacey: Yeah. You looked like as a Brit too.

Lem: I did.

If that’s me.

But do I look gay?

Lem: I look less actually gay as Lem.

Lem: I wasn’t gay. I was straight.

But…I was genetically closer to being gay…as Constantine. But I wasn’t gay.

Should there be reincarnation.

Gilgul.

I wasn’t at all gay though.

Casi: Imagine him with glasses!

Lem: That might be me.

Lacey: That does look like Lem!

*after a moment*

I need to stop laughing at myself. I almost feel nauseous.

Lem: She’s laughing at herself for drawing silly glasses.

Lacey: I don’t have enough patience. And I just want to see what it looks like!

Lem: It does look like me!

Matt: Does Lacey intimidate you?

Lacey’s neighbor: YES.

Matt: But-

How would she know that!?

Lacey’s neighbor: She can tell.

Matt: No. She can’t.

*he thinks*

She has some inkling. Not the same!

Were you teased as Lem?

Lem: You mean, Constantine?

Matt: Yes.

Lem: *laughs*

It’s in the Bible…or it doesn’t exist.

Yes. I was very smart. Very sensitive.

I had a difficult time.

It made me tough.

A moment later.

Matt: WHO AM I!? It’s driving me crazy.

Russia: Lem wasn’t gay.

Just for the record.

We almost know that for 100% certain.

He definitely isn’t now.

But…you have to remember straight men who pretend to be gay. In cinema. In television series. They always seem convincing.

Lem…looks biologically straight. He acts gay.

But…he looks physically heterosexual. As in, born heterosexual.

Casi: I was smarter as Virginia.

Matt: I was smarter as…- Well, whoever I was.

Casi: I used to be a mensch. So did he.

We’re dumbasses now.

We just talked about it. And it’s true.

We’re not totally dumb, right now. But we are…dumb.

Matt: Sorry.

It’s part of our gilgul.

Princess Anne: I’m still mad!

I am GORGEOUS! RIGHT NOW.

God: You’re UGLY right now. STOP TORTURING US WITH IT!

The Queen: You looked lovely in your youth.

Why can’t you just be gracious!?

Some people are far worse off, even.

Princess Anne: I get mad.

The Queen: Why?

Princess Anne: I’m not going to Heaven.

The Queen: Says who?

Princess Anne: I can’t imagine-

God: I’m almost certain she is.

Anne, you’re wanted in Heaven. Can you stand it?

Anne: Yes.

God: *rolls his eyes*

Matt: Do you think I have a problem with you!?

Princess Anne: Yes.

Matt: Ha! No. You’re…admirable.

It’s people like Lacey I loathe.

Princess Anne:

Matt: Well…doesn’t it make sense?

God: Why would you assume the worst of the Nesheims?

Matt: Because…that’s how things work?

God: Not in America? At least, not really.

Casi: Then why does social class count?

God: That exists outside of country.

Casi: Then I’m in trouble.

Matt: Do we find each other attractive?

Casi: I find you attractive.

Matt: Great.

*later*

Matt: Did your neighbor just bully you?

Lacey: Yes?? I couldn’t tell. She may have murmured something under her breath. Or she may have been thinking out loud. I have no idea.

Matt: *cries*

I think someone in the perfume community is trying to use the demonic to harass you. It’s DARK Black Magic.

They knew people were misunderstanding you, and so they started calling on demons to inspire overconfidence in other people. And for them to start making more blind assumptions, as narcissistically as possible.

God: How does this help?

Matt: Because they assumed that…”evil” wasn’t really evil. They’re a New Age…type person.

Lacey’s neighbor: I hate her because she’s…PROFOUNDLY AWFUL.

Matt: How!?

Lacey’s neighbor: I mean…her hair looked good. But FUCK THAT.

I AM COOL.

Matt: Are you skinny?

Lacey’s neighbor: No. I’m far more overweight than she is.

Matt: Do you have an ugly face? Slightly?

Lacey’s neighbor: Some might say that. *she says this both proudly and apologetically*

Matt: So…how are we superior?

Lacey’s neighbor: My husband ADORES me. He’s amazing!

Matt: How much money does he make?

Lacey’s neighbor: $60,000.00. I make $59,000.00. All before taxes, of course.

Matt: They make TWICE that. AND SHE’S AN HEIRESS.

Lacey’s neighbor: Oh well.

At least my husband gets hard.

God: YOUR HUSBAND WOULD PAY TO HAVE SEX WITH LACEY TONIGHT. Except he loves you too much.

Would you sleep with her husband?

Lacey’s neighbor: Yeah. HAPPILY.

Matt: So you’re jealous of Lacey for having a hott husband?

Lacey’s neighbor: Yes.

Matt: Why do you assume he hates her?

Lacey’s neighbor: Because if he was with me he’d be MADLY IN LOVE. I’m AMAZING! I’m the best human EVER!

Matt: Are you INSANE??

Lacey’s neighbor: No. She is!

Matt: But you just randomly attacked her.

What was she doing?

Lacey’s neighbor: She was going into their house. With her family.

Matt: WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

Lacey’s neighbor: I was on duty. We all take turns walking by her house. Harassing her.

Matt: For what reason?

Lacey’s neighbor: BECAUSE WE DO NOT APPRECIATE HER BLOG.

It’s MEAN.

I’m AMAZING!!!!!

Matt: Holy SHIT!

So you literally walked past her house to see if you could harass her?

Lacey’s neighbor: I mean, we don’t do anything like…crazy-

God: If this is real then you are obviously crazy. You can’t walk past someone’s house doing that.

That’s not normal.

Matt: *nods*

Lacey’s other neighbor: It’s true. It feels weird to me too.

Matt: How many of there are you?

Lacey’s first neighbor: Over a dozen.

She never encouraged us to read her blog.

But we decided to anyway.

Matt: WHY!?

Lacey’s first neighbor: We were curious.

And then we found all of you.

WE LOVE YOU!

YOU GUYS HAVE GUTS!

*Lacey’s neighborhood cheers on the perfume community*

Satan: *cracks-up laughing at them*

Matt: The current British aristocracy betrayed their own kind…starting in the 1970’s.

They basically just became demonically possessed.

Things took a turn for the worse…in the 1950’s. After World War II.

Lacey: What happened? I was busy following around Lem.

Matt: *laughs*

You poor thing!

Well…we lost our minds, essentially.

We still exist…but…-

Or they do. I count myself somewhat.

Lacey: What happened though!?

Matt: They-

They…were in deep trouble. Financially.

Lady Rosslyn: What stupidity!

God: And what would you have done?

Lady Rosslyn: STARTED ANOTHER WAR!

Hitler: LOVE IT.

A British man: *laughs*

Well, I guess you’re joining them. Or maybe not.