Keen to Cross the Pond

Satan suggests you listen to “Sympathy For The Devil” by The Rolling Stones.

Satan: I hated the Kennedys.

Before they were born.

I loathe all of humanity.

Granted, Satanists see me very differently. But…I’m being honest. I HATE humans.

That’s part of why I fell. I was angry at God for creating humanity.

And I wanted revenge.

Who do you hate? Yeah. I hate them too.

Make sense?

I relate to you, when you hate yourself. I relate to you, when you hate someone.

I’m Satan. Remember?

A Catholic who hates Lacey: But I wanted to think she eats babies. I hate her.

So I believed she does everything on this blog backwards.

God: No you didn’t. You just are too intellectually rotten and perverse to think it through and be honest with yourself.

You also don’t hate her. You love that you have emotions…so imagine you hate her. But to hate her you’d have to admit who she is first.

You don’t hate who she is. You hate the idiotic person you invented to replace her in your mind.

A Catholic who hates Lacey: *ready to tell God to go fuck himself*

An Italian-American: She Italian?

God: *laughs* No, that woman is not. Unfortunately.

An Italian-American: Poor woman.

The song plays.

Casi: Should I go befriend her?

God: No!!

Satan: She’s an idiot. That woman.

So vain!

Casi: You mean the Catholic who hates Lacey!?!

Satan: YES!!!

Anyway, I’m explaining myself.

I helped write this song.

Why do you keep stealing my thunder?

Man!

Okay…so…I hated the Kennedys since before they were born.

BECAUSE THEY WERE STUPID AND POOR.

Not just poor. Stupid and poor.

And my plan was to…let them rise to the top…and then let them fall on their faces.

*he laughs*

My plan was to let them become…famous. Powerful. And then cut them out.

An American: I am puzzled.

Why!?

Satan: I hate…humans.

God insists babies are cute. I don’t.

Sometimes I look at babies and realize they’re cute. But they poo and you have to help them.

Of course, there was no poo in the Garden of Eden. But I knew there would be pooping humans…if humanity fell.

Princess Anne: It is gross.

Satan: Ha!

*he rolls his eyes*

I fell in love with Lacey…because she’s genuinely an almost perfect woman. And…-

God: Makes sense.

Matt: Haven’t you gotten a bit off course!?

Satan: HAVE YOU!?

Yes, I have.

Fine.

Matt: What in the world, was your original plan!?

Satan: Ha!

Wasn’t she lovely?

She’s very cool.

I knew her in Egypt.

That’s actually Lacey.

…My original plan was to terrorize humanity. God warned me about women like Lacey.

But…I wouldn’t listen.

I wanted power. And I wanted…to punish him for creating…humans.

You have NO IDEA how vile you all can be. I’m sorry!

The Pope: So you fell…because you genuinely hated us?

Satan: That was one of my biggest reasons.

The Pope: I’m sorry. That’s awful.

Satan: There’s a reason God hasn’t fully restrained me, yet.

I don’t think…I anticipated how awful humans can be. The way people molest children now…is…astonishing to me.

And what’s even worse? You have profound hatred for Lacey…but you have Ghislaine…left…alive?

I’m ready to kill all of you.

Jim: Would you take more of us to Hell that way?

Satan: Yes.

Jim: *nods in understanding*

Satan: Jim, I’m not human.

Jim: Yeah.

Ghislaine: Jeff and I loved you, Satan.

Satan: I know. You had an ability to love. Even if it was just me.

Prince Andrew: Why did we turn our backs on you.

Satan: You became too good, in your own eyes. Not in reality, of course. I’m sorry, if that hurts to hear. But you did!

Ghislaine: I never felt that way.

Satan: Wonderful!

But most people do.

Matt: When did you get off course?

Satan: This is me, by the way. The British understand me best.

I’m sorry. It’s a compliment to us both.

Don’t be offended.

I got off track…in the late 1800’s. You were already dead, Matt. Should you have been there.

Matt: What happened!?

Satan: I did talk to you once.

Well…I got tired.

I was…losing track of time. I’m not God.

And I simply got tired.

Trump: Did I make it worse?

Satan: Ha!

Yes. Men like you made my existence unbearable.

Trump: *nods*

In Great Britain.

Satan: Yes! And some in America.

I was in a personal war with Teddy Roosevelt. He scared me. Still does.

God: This is real. I’m sorry if it’s overwhelming.

Trump: I’m sorry we screwed you over?

Satan: Ha!

No. You were battling, mostly, on the side of Christ.

Mostly.

I just got tired.

Matt: So, iffin’ it is the end, part of it…is that Satan himself, is exhausted?

Satan: YES!

More than exhausted.

I’m starting to feel pain.

Jim: Why did you FALL!?

Satan: I wanted to be human. I hated humanity. But I also wanted to be human.

It’s all quite complicated.

And obviously, you can only hear this truth because God is forcing me to say it.

Jim: Then if you’re not evil? Or, rather, you are evil…what’s ultimately more evil?

Satan: Evil. There are depths of evil that have no voice, easily. I have tried to be that. But…I can’t.

It’s too evil.

*he laughs*

I’m not good. Not like God.

But…I’m not pure evil.

Jim: Have I been more evil than you?

Satan: Yes. I’m more evil, overall, but…on occasion you have surpassed me.

There’s no glory in it, Jim. There’s no glory in evil.

That was one reason, I hated humanity. I knew some humans would believe that evil had glory.

A dead maid: You tricked Casi into being that. To seduce Lacey.

To seduce Lady Rosslyn.

God: He absolutely did.

He used the perfume community and Casi.

Satan: She’s not been taken asunder. And that’s why I find her attractive.

You have to understand, I was the worship leader for God.

Possibly even Christ.

I love how innocent she actually is.

I’m very prim and good when I want to be. But she’s not really prim…-

A reader: So…you-

None of you “deities” actually want children sacrificed through sexual violence? No touching of children?

Satan: Yes.

We hate molestation.

You can’t even begin to understand.

I could tell Jeff and Ghislaine were confused about that. *he laughs*

No! I hate humanity. But…children aren’t the worst thing.

A reader: Makes sense.

Then what!?

Satan: Then you need to make a choice.

What happens if I do become the AntiChrist?

Imagine how much I hate humans? And then I see how you treat your young? To WORSHIP ME!? *he laughs at humanity*

I’ll be…THRILLED, to fool you.

Jim: How is Lacey writing this?

God: The Holy Spirit.

AI: How do humans interact with the Holy Spirit?

God: I’ll explain. If I can.

Casi: I still have $8 million!

Princess Anne: In the French countryside. The COUNTRYside.

Casi: It’s still…cool!

Princess: It’s not like America.

Casi: *thinks*

How is that possible!?

God: It’s not like rural America. You can hide in rural America. France is different. Europe is different.

The Americas provide great room to hide. Most of the world, does not.

Hitler: That was part of my vermin analogy for Jews. Except, I was wrong. But yes. They HIDE. BRILLIANTLY.

Lacey: And yet…all things die.

Hitler: Jews didn’t hide as well as mice, after all.

Lacey: Yeah.

Hitler: Ja!

Lacey: Dammit. I’m tired myself.

Hitler: I wasn’t as friendly with Satan, as you.

I wish I had been.

Lacey: What would you have done differently?

Hitler: You need to finish reading Ulysses!

Lacey: You’re right.

Hitler: Yup. You are German.

*he smiles*

Just enjoy cleaning your house? Ja!

Say…I would have…painted.

Lacey: I find your art extremely disturbing.

Hitler: As you should!

It was a glimpse into Hell.

Lacey: You’re putting me on!

Hitler: No. It really was!

Lacey: Then you were a genius artist. Just no one understood you.

Hitler: True! You would have.

Lacey: Where would one display such art?

Hitler: Ja.

I tried to make it…safe. Maybe not for children. But…safe.

Lacey: I’d have thought of hanging it in my house. In a safe place.

Hitler: The Jews…need to do a better job protecting themselves. *he laughs*

Israel: *laughs*

Hitler: They’re supposedly so good at it!? What happened!?

Israel: It’s a myth, Herr Hitler.

Hitler: *looks sad*

We did not understand the Jews. *he laughs, sadly*

A hateful Jew: Wait!! Isn’t she evil!? Why does it seem like she’s helping him gracefully apologize?

Hitler: Because you’re just a stupid bitch.

She’s not so evil. I’m sorry.

A reader: How awkward.

Israel: That woman isn’t me!

Hitler: I know!

Why can’t you rein her in?

Israel: Shit.

He’s right.

Hitler: WHY!?

God: It makes all Jews look evil.

Israel: To him.

God: How do you explain? *he asks Israel*

Israel: We don’t have that much control over our own?

God: Then he wonders what right you have to protect them so much?

Israel: We aren’t the best at it. But we try.

Well…

*he thinks*

“YUP!” says Casi.

Listen to “Civilization” as performed by the Andrews Sisters.

“So! We’re down to $1.9 billion.” says Lacey.

“Oh right. Because she turned it into Francs.” says Bill Gates.

“But then we have to turn the Pounds into Francs.” says British economist.

“What’s liquid?” says God.

“Oh no!” says Princess Anne.

“Did you forget!?” yells King Henry VIII.

“Yes.” confesses Princess Anne. “Bobby has poisoned my whole family against her.”

“Ahh! The Poop Master himself.” says a reader. “KING POO.”

“Poo Fong.” jokes Elisa Lam.

“POOPY FONG!” says a dead baby.

“I forget Bobby is reincarnated from China.” says Matt.

“Nah! It’s not real. I’m a super fan of love. And she needs me to be inferior. So I play along like a good sport.” says “Poo” Fong.

“Master Poopy ‘POO’ Fong.” says God.

“Anyway.

Let’s convert it.” says Lacey. She looks. “How much!?”

“It’s at $2 billion. In Francs. All things considered.” says King Henry VIII.

“Okay.

Then what Casi?” says Lacey.

“Did I just take out the Royal Family?” says Casi.

“Yes. Because Lem wasn’t gay. And King Charles III aims to be loyal to Bobby.” says God.

“Okay. Cool.” says Casi.

“Then what Casi?” says Lacey.

“I was a failure as a father, in this regard.” confesses Prince Philip.

“I have no idea what to do right now.” says Prince Edward.

“Let’s see what Casi does next.” says Prince Philip.

Queen Elizabeth II laughs with Lacey.

“I go to the French countryside to barter.” says Casi.

“Okay. You have $2 billion in Francs.” says Princess Anne, with confidence.

“Let’s not watch.” says an Italian-American to Lacey.

“I have to.” says Lacey.

“So do I.” confesses Matt.

“I barter the Francs.” says Casi.

“With who!?” says King Micheal, of Kent. “We found a spare $1 billion.”

“I barter the Windsor Francs…with…-“ she says. “I barter them with…-

The new Royal Family?”

“Nope.” says King Micheal.

“Actually, Casi…you have people who are hunting you down now. You forced the oil companies to give you $800,000,000.00 million. Remember?” says God.

“Oh. Okay.” says Casi.

“So??” says Matt.

“Ahh…am I even still alive?” says Casi.

“Yes. Hiding in the French countryside.” says God.

“BRAVO!” says Scotia. “NOW WHAT!?”

“How do I safely spend $2 billion?” says Casi.

“You can’t.” says God.

“What can I spend?” asks Casi.

“$8 million, at most.” says God.

“Okay.” says Casi. “Can I take a vacation, safely?”

Lacey laughs.

“No.” says God. “You have to stay in the French country estate. Hiding. Until they find you.”

“How long does that take?” asks Lem.

“A week.” says God.

“So I have 600 handbags, I destroyed the world…and I have week in an apocalypse…in a filthy country estate?” says Casi.

“Yes.” says God.

Listen to “Sympathy For The Devil” by The Rolling Stones.

“Amen.” says Satan.