Talking With My Niece

Eric reads.

Casi (?): Why don’t you want to save us?

Lady Rosslyn: I do!

I do want to save you.

You’re too busy pooing in my face.

A reader: What could you even do!?

Akhenaten: A lot.

We have connections. Through Christ.

He’s redeemed us.

I’m not in Hell.

A Hasidic Jew: Pharaoh Akhenaten is a Jew!

Akhenaten: No, your people had GOD. The real God.

Bibi Netanyahu: Am I Nero?

God: If you think Gilgul is real? Yes.

A Norwegian man: *Nods*

Why is that shocking?

I’m sure Nero was lovable.

At times.

And maybe he’s changed. Some, at least. Enough for us not to notice him.

Bibi: I’m a much better person today!

A Norwegian man: Yeah.

Dolly: Chris. She honestly thought you were Michael.

That’s all.

You read way too much into things.

Chris: I’m just taking things seriously.

Dolly: Then don’t.

We can say that now.

Just stop.

God: He doesn’t know how to do that.

Dolly: Chris, what does “taking things seriously” mean to you?

Chris: Thinking that she’s not a worthless piece of shit!

Eminem: Dude! You’re an idiot!

She thought you were Micheal.

We’ve tried to explain this to you.

Chris: But that’s magical fairyland stuff. Not reality.

Eminem: No! It’s reality!

Dolly: No. It’s magical fairyland stuff.

Eminem: DOLLY! YOU’RE A GHOST!!! CATCH THE FUCK UP!

Dolly: Am I?

The CIA: Yeah. You died. We’re positive.

Dolly: Then why do I feel so alive?

The CIA: Try moving something!

Can you move a cell phone? And arrange a merger?

Dolly: *Laughs*

No.

The CIA: Then you’re DEAD.

Like, actually dead.

Dolly: *Goes into shock.*

Matt: How has she avoided realizing that?

Dolly: THIS!

And so many other things.

I know what happened.

Okay?

I know I died. But sometimes-

It’s like…I gotta stop myself and remember.

Eminem: Okay.

So…she thought she was interacting with Micheal.

Dolly: Then-

God: Yeah. Your reasons to hate her don’t make sense anymore.

Chris: Why would Micheal be in a bad marriage?

God: If he was you?

Chris: Yes.

God: Because you were unhappy.

Right?

Chris: Hmm.

Yes.

God: Micheal wouldn’t be in that particular situation, unless he had a bad marriage. That’s just who he is.

You channeled him. That was your choice.

Chris: Why?

God: The truth is, he’s far smarter than you.

He’s an incredibly meticulous person.

It may not have seemed so, at times, but he was.

Chris: Then I’ve imagined this silly part of her personality that doesn’t even exist.

God: Yes.

And you have to admit you channel him. Because that trips you up, every time.

The CIA: Chris. You’re not who you pretend to be.

You probably are channeling something. And it’s obviously him.

How was she supposed to know the difference?

Israel: This is disturbing.

Chris…admit it. Okay? She’s channeling no one. You are.

The CIA: We’ve psychologically proven that.

Chris: If I admit I’m just…an average guy…I have to stop-

The CIA: So your ego matters more than national security?

Chris: Yes. To me.

And Satanism will save me.

Dolly: No. It actually doesn’t.

Chris: I’m sorry I gave you the impression Micheal Rockefeller was alive.

Lacey: *Tries to control herself.*

*Gains composure.*

Casi (?): Do you care about poor people?

Lacey: Yes.

Casi (?): Okay?

Lord Loughborough: What do you want from my family?

She’s my daughter.

*He holds a crying Lacey. As a baby. In the 1850’s.*

Dolly: Is this because of what she wrote last night?

God: Yes.

Dolly: Oh wow!

*She laughs with Lacey.*

This is creepy stuff.

Lacey: Yeah.

Dolly: Girl, you got a headache?

Lacey: Yes.

Dolly: Man!

I have to be honest. I’ve been spending a lot of time my momma and daddy too.

*She laughs.*

God: Nice?

Dolly: It’s been wonderful.

God: *God smiles and nods.*

Dolly: Yeah.

So sometimes we have money. Because that is nice.

And other times we have what we had before. Just to sort of process what happened.

Lacey: What house do you have most of the time?

Dolly: *She smiles.*

It’s nice.

It’s a five bedroom house!

Lacey: Wow.

Dolly: Yeah.

Running water, all that.

We have it good.

It’s still modest. But it’s nice.

Lacey: That’s very cool!

Dolly: *Nods.*

Casi (?): Lacey. You didn’t grow-up like Dolly.

Why are you relating to her like you did?

Lacey: *Thinks.*

Dolly: *Covers her mouth with both hands and laughs.*

Lacey: *Smiles.*

*Keeps thinking.*

Akhenaten: I thought I was God.

She’s my daughter too.

Lacey…you didn’t live that experience.

Lacey: But I can imagine it. And empathize.

Isn’t that what’s wanted?

Akhenaten: *Nods and thinks.*

They don’t want that though.

Lacey: *Thinks.*

What do they want!?

James Joyce: You like Ulysses?

Lacey: I love it.

James Joyce: Yeah.

They want…empathy. Not…that much empathy.

Lacey: *Closes her eyes because they ache.*

Then why do they want empathy at all!?!

*She’s livid.*

James Joyce: Because it’s America.

They don’t want to go that far.

Lacey: What the hell are they doing?!!?!

James Joyce: They’re-

You’ve exhausted yourself. Trying to be righteous.

Admirable.

As an Irishman, I admire it.

They don’t.

*He looks sad and Lacey cries.*

That’s where they’re both very evil and very free.

America is not a Catholic nation, Lacey.

America is a land of the free.

Lacey: Was Jack Kennedy even really Catholic?

James Joyce: NO.

It’s a joke, Lacey.

A big fat joke.

Lacey: He was more Baptist?

James Joyce: YES.

In all actuality, yes.

He didn’t think like us.

He was free as a bird.

*He laughs.*

We’re mostly in the right.

Lacey: I can’t stand it anymore.

I just can’t stand it.

James Joyce: *Nods in understanding.*

They’re all dead wrong.

Dead wrong.

Lem was straight.

Listen to “Ghosts of a Future Lost” by Clint Mansell.

James Joyce: Chris has and had no insight about you, at all.

Almost the opposite.

They’re greedy.

They can smell the wealth of the British Empire on your breath. And they’ve got no conscience whatsoever. They feel totally vindicated.

They’re FREE.

Like a bunch of slovenly, evil-hearted Baptists. Always assuming God’s grace will be there. No question!

But American isn’t totally evil. And that’s what bothers you, and me, both.

Listen to “String Quartet No. 3 (Mishima): 1957-Award Montage” by Philip Glass, performed by the Kronos Quartet.

Scott Fitzgerald: I knew he was the right person to talk to her.

Lacey:

Harold: Scott…is a real friend.

Lacey: You’re a real Irish Catholic?

Scott: YES!

Yes.

A reader of the blog: Why does our Baptist teaching bother you all?

James Joyce: Because it isn’t true.

Don’t you see!?

You’re WRONG.

A woman in China: *Cries*

I get what you mean.

We call it Karma, essentially? They don’t believe in Karma…at all.

You’re right. They may be heretics.

China: Where do you think the bad goes?

Do you imagine it just disappears?

Lou: I think they do, yes.

China: *Shudders in pain. And remorse.*

Lacey: Just like carbon.

China: Just like debt.

Lacey: Do they not understand grief?

China: Maybe not.

A man in Nepal: Death is real.

Do you understand?

Lacey: *Smirks.*

A man in Nepal: How do you see me?

You’re American?

Right?

I DARE YOU TO BE HONEST.

Tell your readers the truth.

Lacey: Last year…at this same time…they called the police on my blog.

A man in Nepal: *Laughs.*

You are already dead.

Lacey: Not completely.

A man in Nepal: Don’t be scared.

God is real too.

More real.

Lacey: It’s the people left behind that bother me most.

A man in Nepal who died: How will you kill us all, Scotia?

Lacey: I’m very angry.

A dead man in Nepal: They’ve been torturing you for years.

Lacey: I have horrible air hunger today.

A dead man in Nepal: From what you write. Because it’s scary.

God: Yes.

Very.

Lord Loughborough: What do you want?

Death?

A Romanov: Good question.

Maybe.

Listen to “Death Is The Road to Awe” by Clint Mansell, as performed by the Kronos Quartet.

Bobby: I WILL NEVER STOP DEFENDING MY as FAMILY!!

God: From what?

Bobby: From SATAN.

You’re not God.

She’s an ugly bitch.

And I’m A GENIUS!!!

And I’m HOT AS HELL!!!

And Lem is MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*He rips hair out of Cheryl’s head.*

*Bites her in the face.*

*Slaps her.*

*And then runs off. With a bottle of hard liquor.*

(This isn’t necessarily fact. It’s interpretation.)

Cheryl: I can’t control him.

You BASTARDS!

A reader: Why did you put him in power?

Donald Trump: He seemed like a good idea.

He seemed like a clever way to legitimize my legacy.

A reader: He’s insane.

I truly think he’s insane.

Donald Trump: He didn’t seem that crazy.

He seemed…wild. But I had no idea he was so…weird.

A reader: What does he do?

Donald Trump: *Laughs.*

Wow.

*He thinks. Does work.*

Honestly? I’d rather be dead.

I love my kids. I love this country. But I’m old. And he’s annoying as HELL.

Dolly: I doubt you’re going to Hell, Donald.

I don’t blame you.

A reader: So…what?

Donald Trump: I’m EXHAUSTED.

And he’s got half the country vomiting.

Yes, we needed to do something…but-

He made a lot of EMBARRASSING mistakes.

Cheryl: Shh!!!

Don’t say that!!

I beg you!

Jeffrey Epstein: See…this is how I messed-up.

Because I drove everyone insane.

I literally drove everyone to the brink of actual insanity.

And now they can’t handle men like Bobby.

Yes! Okay! …They already had problems. But I made things ten times worse, and basically impossible to fix.

Another reader: What?

Jeffrey: No one can help themselves anymore.

I made grown adults cognitively incapable of thinking like rational adults.

And yes, they did that because they’re dumbasses. New Money. Okay.

But…regardless…I did it.

A man: What does old money have to do with it?

Jeffrey Epstein: It’s very simple.

People who aren’t kiss asses, like Lacey, and Queen Elizabeth II, and her ancestors…and Tom Banks…would never. …They would NEVER.

Francis Scott Key’s great nephew Scott, would never.

They’re not so naive. Okay? They’re not so vulnerable.

But most of the elite, in my time, were. They were all basically New Money. Even Prince Charles was New Money, in a way. He shouldn’t be, but he basically was. That’s probably part of what happened with Diana.

Diana was old money. But somehow Charles was not. It seems…impossible, but he wasn’t…like his mother.

They deserve to have to deal with Meghan Markle. And her jams. And her book deals gone bad. …They deserve to have to deal with that.

You can’t be so middle class. As a royal family.

They don’t want to deal with a woman like her? Then don’t be middle class!!! Otherwise-

Anyway, people like Lacey, who aren’t afraid of saying the truth and offending people…would never eat babies. Not like we did. Maybe in 300 BC. In some small German town. Because they had a plague and got hungry and Baby Stew was all they had to offer her. Her and her Egyptian army. But…the way we did it? No.

But New Money people were more gullible…and were open to suggestion. And they were desperate to get approval.

That’s really what it all is. They’re just desperate to seem impressive. To seem relevant, and badass. It was all to show-off.

Yes! It was all just to look cool. Like not wearing your coat, during the Winter, in the fourth grade.

China: They can’t handle that.

Jeffrey: OH WELL!

They needed to hear it.

Barney Frank: You mean we weren’t doing top secret, high-level stuff? Like…top grade science. To worship Moloch?

Jeffrey: NO!

She’s right.

There were better ways and are, to get their attention and gain power.

Tucker Carlson: But doing evil…can let you gain powers. Right? I mean, there’s a history of that. Right?

A Priest on TikTok: I’ve seen it with my own eyes! The demons like evil. And they can do cool shit. If you’re being evil. It impresses them, because they’re demons.

Jeffrey: Nah.

Nah.

See…it ain’t like that.

I’m sorry.

Moloch: He’s right.

You were all tricked.

A model: So you had us all “eating pizza” to make fun of us? Or what?

Jeffrey Epstein: Kinda.

*He shrugs.*

I taught teenagers.

I loved harming the kids…but it was more fun fooling you all into ruining your souls.

A model: You cared. We were the ones in control.

Jeffrey: Ha!

I was a child molester.

You IDIOTS.

*He laughs.*

I MOLESTED YOU ALL.

Satan: *Laughs.*

Jeffrey Epstein: I MOLESTED ALL OF YOU.

I let you think you had control.

The CIA: Did you hang yourself…as a final “fuck you”?

Jeffrey Epstein: If I’m dead? HECK YES!!!

HECK YES!!!

You seriously think I’m going to be dumb enough, after everything I’ve seen…not to believe that there’s an afterlife!?

I KNEW.

Dolly: I think it’s sad.

Because it’s real.

A reader of this blog: So…you seriously fooled tons of very wealthy people…into abusing kids?

Jeffrey Epstein: Yes.

Tons of otherwise rational, somewhat moral, intelligent people.

Dozens.

I mean…they were rotten already. But I made them SO MUCH WORSE.

Me and men like me. And women.

A reader: Just to show off?

Jeffrey Epstein: Yup.

Yup.

Why do you think people have no savings? And no retirement? Because they buy stuff, to impress people! It’s no different.

These are the same people. But they have almost limitless bank accounts. So buying ten Birkins doesn’t cut it. I gave them something to do to really get traction.

A reader: I don’t get it.

Why does harming a child impress anyone?

Jeffrey Epstein: Because it’s so awful.

To be honest, these are very naive people.

Very sheltered.

Yes, even the poor people.

No one alive, who I fooled, was ever a child in Victorian England. Working in a factory.

They may have lived off food stamps. But…-

A reader: What’s the difference?

Jeffrey Epstein: A child in Victorian England…is used to be their own advocate. In a room full of vultures. Heartless sociopaths. Who want to beat them to death.

The models who grew-up on food stamps? Never had that experience.

So at the parties we could outnumber them and overtake them. Because they were too sheltered to handle it.

And why did it impress them? Because…we were SO glamorous. So perfect looking. We smelled so good. And yet…we did that evil. And it seemed dark and mysterious. Fascinating. Because they were confused-

*He laughs.*

And instead of understanding that we just sucked shit…as human beings…they concocted idiotic excuses to make us seem normal somehow. And in the process of all that…it became trendy.

I molested all of them.

A reader: So…what happened when Lacey was cornered?

Jeffrey: She laughed at us.

She cracked-up laughing at us.

And then she tried to reason with us.

And the whole time…to most of us…it seemed like she was just stalling. Or like she was obsessed with us. Like a stupid fan.

But to me? Ha! I knew she was reasoning with us.

Her laughter scared me.

A reader: Why didn’t you just laugh at her! Right back?

Jeffrey Epstein: Because. She’s REALLY laughing.

It’s not fake.

It’s not about ego.

She was REALLY LAUGHING AT ME.

I’ve EATEN PEOPLE. I’m Jeffrey Epstein. I know the difference. …I could tell she honestly found me HILARIOUS.

A reader: So why kill yourself?

Jeffrey Epstein: Because I was terrified.

Don’t you get it!?

She was laughing. AT ME.

It would be like if she walked into the house party in “Eyes Wide Shut” and walked around laughing at everyone. Just…cracking-up, laughing.

And actually…that’s what would happen.

She’s laughing at them right now. She finds that movie HILARIOUS.

Lem: I don’t.

I find it deeply disturbing.

But Nefertiti finds it funny too.

And Tutankhamen finds it…HILARIOUS.

Tutankhamen and Lacey would get a kick out of walking around making fun of everyone.

Like two little hoodlums.

God: It is funny. From their perspective.

Lady Diana: Alright.

I see why it’s funny.

A reader: Why?

Lady Diana: *She laughs.*

Wow!

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Satan: They’re laughing at evil. An evil I don’t even bother to embody.

See…the idea of the “sex” in “Eyes Wide Shut” is to be in violation of reality. Because it’s not real.

Bill is testing Dr. Harford. To see if he gets it.

He doesn’t?

But the idea is to be in violation of reality.

It’s not normal sex. It’s supposed to be edgy. And cool. And new. And it’s supposed to impress…me, I guess.

Because they think they’re Illuminated. And they think that they’re receiving revelations. Over time. And that in those revelations, real progress is happening. They take “new” very seriously.

So what’s cool? What’s “new” is supposed to be…Illuminating.

Lacey: It’s not.

Satan: True.

But they don’t know that.

Another reader: What about Tartaria?

Satan: Not good enough.

Ancient Rome was better than Tartaria, if such a place even existed. So was France. You’re not aware of just how advanced and good people actually had it.

They’re not either. It’s not just 1984. It’s far worse. They honestly are that deranged, intellectually. It’s not just about control. They’re FOOLS.

George Orwell: I was right. They’re obviously interested in power and control.

But…they’re also…helplessly stupid. Helplessly unable to understand the past.

Jack & Lem on SNL

Lem Billings.

He prances into a gorgeous room. A living-room on Cape Cod. Berber carpet. White. A glorious black grand piano. Next to a big bay window.

Women wearing cocktail dresses in the 1950’s. Jazz.

And even at six feet four inches tall, Lem looks like nothing, according to popular opinion that is, compared to Jack Kennedy. He’s so much so a nothing that Rip Horton, who’s shorter than Jack who’s just over six feet tall, can easily replace Lem in a photo.

When Lem relaxes his face he looks almost exactly like the picture above. That’s Emperor Constantine, in the picture, with glasses drawn on his face.

And here’s Jack Kennedy:

Jack can appear this way, in person. This is actually him. And yet, he captures our attention.

Because Jack Kennedy is not dressed like this most of the time.

JFK wears billowing white shirts made of linen and stiff ironed khakis. No belt.

JFK tans religiously. He blows his hair out. He may even wear a touch of makeup. Yes. President Kennedy may have dabbled in makeup. And he certainly wears cologne. Gold watches. Fastidiously cares for his teeth.

“HELLO!” says JFK, to Lem Billings. On Cape Cod. At our party scene in 1952.

Lem suddenly falls at his feet, but playfully. Kisses his shoes.

Jack laughs in response. Casually, of course.

“Lemmers! You crazy cat!” says JFK, with allure.

Lem stands-up. Primly. Awkwardly. And he then marches off to go to the kitchen to make Jack a good stiff drink. And a sandwich. As only Lem can.

Unfortunately though, Lacey Banks is having a wardrobe emergency. So, she’s standing in the kitchen already. She’s adjusting her undergarments.

Lacey looks shocked when Lem prances in. Quickly she covers herself up.

“Oh! No need to worry! I’m gay!” says Lem, brightly. “I’m only here to protect and serve and honor Jack Kennedy. You can go ahead and get naked. I won’t even notice!” He smiles open mouthed and laughs a high-pitched laugh.

Lacey takes him seriously. She doesn’t hesitate to adjust her clothes.

Lem sees her half naked.

Lem looks at her. He’s shocked.

”Gee…you’re so nice, Lacey. Are you making your boobs look good for Joe?” he asks, innocently. Louis Bayard depicted this part of his personality in his novel. “That’s very nice of you to try to look nice for Joe.”

“Yes. Of course.” says Lacey.

“I like watching you.

Gee.

Can I watch you tonight. In the shower?” Lem says, merry as can be.

Lacey looks shocked. “Why would you do that?” she says.

“Well…I dunno. It’s just kind of fun to see your body.

I’m a gay man, and all, really. Gee, I sure am! But…this is fun!

I like your boobs.” says Lem, thoughtfully, almost confused.

“Oh!

That’s very odd Lem, if you’re gay.

Very odd.” says Lacey.

“Well, don’t mind me. I’m just a fun-loving gay man.

Can we go upstairs and have sex?” says Lem.

“Lem! That’s not gay at all.

I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“No, I’m gay. I’m a closeted gay.” says Lem.

“Lem, the way you’re grabbing me, isn’t gay.” says Lacey.

“No!

Gay men can have crushes on women. It’s totally normal. According to my biographers.

We can even want sex with women. Totally normal.

Hell, we could get married, have ten children and never see Jack again for the rest of eternity? And I’d still be gay.” says Lem. He laughs another high-pitched laugh. Opens his mouth wide to grin.

“That makes no sense.” says Lacey.

Just then, as Lem passionately kisses Lacey and grabs her sexually while doing so, Jack Kennedy walks in to the kitchen. Walking as Jack Kennedy walks. As JFK looks at Lacey and Lem he seems unsurprised.

“Hey, Lem! You can give me help later? Huh?

Supper!” says JFK, with a wink.

Lem pauses and very cheerfully and with a sort of mechanical sexuality says, “SURE! HOT STUFF! I WANNA FUCK YOU, BAD! ALL NIGHT LONG!” Then he relaxes and goes back to what he was doing.

Then Jack shoves them out of the way, as they’re making out passionately, to fill a glass with water at the sink.

“JACKIE!!

Hey, JACKIE!!! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!” JFK yells at his wife.

Jackie Kennedy walks in, aloof. Smoking a cigarette.

“What do you want, darling?” she says.

“MAKE ME A TUNA SANDWICH!!!” JFK yells, then he takes a drink.

Meanwhile, in the background, Lacey and Lem are still making-out.

“Why can’t he do it?” says Jackie, annoyed, motioning to Lem.

“Oh Lem? He’s-“ JFK studies them for a second. “He looks kinda busy.” He shrugs and drinks more water.

“Who’s she!?” says Jackie.

“Nobody!” says Jack.

“Ahh! No wonder they get along.” says Jackie, laughing.

“Jackie! How much did you spend at Dior today?” asks JFK, suddenly annoyed.

“$50,000.00!” says Jackie.

“YOU BITCH!” says Jack. He slaps her face.

“JACK!” says Jackie, touching her face with the palm of her hand.

“WE HAVE NO MONEY THIS MONTH UNTIL DAD GIVES US ANOTHER LOAN!” says JFK, upset.

“Don’t start with that again!” says Jackie.

In walks Raul. Lem’s friend.

“Oh! He’s going to fuck a woman?

Huh.

He’s such a strange man.

I’ve slept with him. Many times.

Of course I’m nothing like you, Jack. I’m a meager replacement. We all know this! But…he’s never appreciated when I’ve tried to make a night of our carousing romps.

I wake-up next to him and he always threatens to punch me in the face if I don’t leave immediately.

Lem! Oh Lem! Darling?” yells Raul.

Lem and Lacey ignore him. Instead of acknowledging Raul they move upstairs. As one.

“Are you going to his room!?” yells Raul after them.

Raul watches them. Follows them.

“Gee! What’s that all about?” says Jack to Jackie.

“I don’t know.

Are they doing something sexual?” says Jackie.

“Huh. Maybe.” says JFK. He shrugs.

“Funny.

I didn’t know people other than us had sex.” she says, baffled.

“Other than the Kennedys?” says JFK.

“Yes! My goodness.

No. They can’t be having sex.

I shouldn’t be so imaginative.” she says.

“No, I suppose not.

Say, how about that sandwich?” says Jack.

Just then Raul returns to the kitchen.

“They kicked me out!

I tried to warn him that she may be in his bed…all night. But…he’s not worried.” says Raul, stumped. “Lem’s a funny man! So…extreme.”

“More like extremely funny!” says JFK. “Man, he can crack me up.

Just earlier tonight he was licking my shoes!”

“Yes.

He does adore you so.

Poor sod.

Ahh…but I suppose in the end…you’ll love him most.” says Raul, with deep melancholy and thoughtfulness.

Jackie looks sad and nods with resignation.

“Yes.

I’m like God.

And he’s a very holy man.

He is willing to lay down his life for me. Daily. Worshiping me. And…that’s what a man like me wants. Complete submission and sublimation.” says Jack.

“Yeah. Jackie has too much self-esteem to be your true love.” says Raul.

“Yes.

I love how foolish he is. All of the time. Just for me.” says JFK. “I’m no narcissist. I have Israel cornered.” He laughs haughtily. “But…what can I say? Marilyn just doesn’t let me abuse her as easily. Most people don’t. I got kicked in my crotch once.

And I love how when I try to give Lem gay sex…he screams bloody murder and hits me until I stop.” He laughs. “And then I threaten to kill his sister.”

“Yes. You’re so straight Jack. You’re not really dating a man. You’re just abusing Lem.” says Raul, amused and impressed. “Wise man!”

And at that Lacey and Lem scream in bliss, upstairs.

“What was that?” says Jack.

“Yes, good heavens!” says Jackie.

“Sounds like they made love.” says Raul, stunned.

“Hmm.

Well, as much as he can, if that’s even what that was.

He’s not exactly unattractive.

But of course, he’s not me.” says JFK.

“Yes!

What a funny thought. That he would be able to have sex like you!” says Jackie.

“Maybe they’re just pretending, to get our approval and attention.” says Jack, with pity.

Jackie nods. So does Raul.

“What a shame! I’m sure that’s exactly what it is!” says Raul.

Lacey and Lem walk downtowns. Holding hands. Hair all messy.

“Well, we’re off to Minnesota. I got her pregnant. And now I need to ask her dad to let me make her an honest woman.” says Lem, smiling. He laughs.

Lacey nods.

“What did he just say?” says Jack.

“I don’t know. Something about going to Minnesota!” says Jackie.

“Oh. Going fishing, I presume! By Jove! Have a jolly good time!” says JFK, genuinely trying to sound British.

Lem and Lacey wave goodbye. Then leave. Holding hands.

“Almost makes you wonder… if he’s not gay.” says Raul, with concern.

“No. He’s desperately in love with my husband.

But I don’t worry. Because I’m Jackie Kennedy. I’m a very big deal.

There’s no way a fat gay man who’s balding with stains on his sweaters could steal my husband!” says Jackie.

“You are my most mysterious creature, indeed!” says JFK.

“You flatter me, you flatterer.” says Jackie.

“Oh. But you flatter me more.” says JFK.

“Gosh.

We are something!” says Jackie, breathless.

“Well! I’m going to go sign something.

Use my deepest voice and make a few phone calls.

Then I’ll go play golf.

Take a swim.

Wear my sunglasses.

And then play with the dog.” says JFK.

“Goody! I have a piece of toast…with BUTTER waiting for me.

I’m STARVING.” she says. “And it’s LUNCHTIME!”

“Jackie! Butter!?” says Raul, shocked.

“Well…I’m not one to judge people, but sometimes I like to let my hair down…kick my heels-up…and live.” says Jackie.

“Let’s have fish tonight again, for dinner.” says JFK. “I’m from Cape Cod. It’s NEXT TO THE OCEAN.”

“You sail.” says Raul.

“I love FISH. Seafood.” says JFK. “And I love swimming in the ocean, too.”

“You’re so…nautical. And Irish.” says Raul.

“Yes. The Irish eat a lot of seafood.” says JFK. “And I sail on a sailboat.”

“Yes. And you’re Irish.” says Raul.

“Yes. I’m an Irish Catholic.” says JFK. “I also play touch football.”

“Wow.” says Raul. “Your last name is Kennedy.”

“Yeah.” says JFK. “Kennedy is Irish.”

“Well, I’m going to go do my hair.” says Jackie.

“I’m also going to do my hair.” says JFK. “But you don’t know that, Jackie. That I too spend hours on my hair. Because I’m a closeted bisexual.” says Jack. “And I also like being able to abuse you, by mocking you for how much time you spend on your hair.”

“I really don’t care.” says Jackie, nodding.

“Why not?” says JFK, sadly.

“Because I’m also narcissistic. Not as bad as you, but sometimes I’m genuinely narcissistic. And I like the idea of us, more than the reality of you.” she says. “At times.”

“Huh.

But you almost slit your throat last night. When I was talking to my mistress on the phone, before bed.” says JFK, confused.

“Yeah.

See, you still make me want to kill myself. I have emotions, Jack. I’m not a psychopath.” says Jackie.

“Oh.

That’s nice.” says JFK.

“I love you!!” says Jackie.

“Huh.

Maybe I love you too.” says Jack Kennedy. “I’m so unstable and such a narcissist I can’t tell. But I have a weird feeling I love you.”

Raul is fast asleep.

“Well…let’s go spend some money!” says JFK, locking arms with Jackie.

“YES, SIR!” she says, grinning. “MY FAVORITE!!!”

“MINE TOO!!!!” says Jack, with excitement.

And at that, they walk off.