Keen to Cross the Pond

Eric tries to help Gloria Steinem write about what she believed Lem Billings was really like.

Gloria begins:

So, in reality, Lem is making-out with Lacey in the kitchen. Picture Constantine and Scotia. Not the imaginary ones you made up because you hate them.

And

Those people are making-out. In Cape Cod. In 1952.

Expect, she’s blonder, and he’s got glasses.

Anyway…

He’s got her shoved up against the refrigerator. And no, she’s not being coy. She’s in shock. And bliss. It’s actually very hot.

She’s smart…but-

And he’s…- Well, he’s not gay.

*Gloria laughs.*

*Gloria thinks.*

*A moment later.*

Now, there’s something to be said for the way that’s really…vivid. It’s also real.

And I guess it’s kind of interesting.

What I imagined?

Lem is gay. That’s what I imagined.

So he’s bubbly. The absolute life of the party.

Loud, flirty. He’s trying to get Jack’s attention the whole night. Singing to him. Kind of…showing-off for him. Teasing him. Always trying to get a laugh out of him.

And Jack eats it up. Jack feels…alive with Lem.

*Gloria smiles.*

Now Lacey’s depressed. Why?

Lacey: Because it’s not real.

When does Lem get his emotional needs met?

Gloria: *Thinks.*

He lives to make Jack smile.

Lacey: And then what?

Gloria: Huh.

Lacey: Does he get laid?

Gloria: *Thinks.*

YES.

Lacey: And then what?

Gloria: *Thinks.*

He gets over it.

Lacey: HOW!?

Gloria: I don’t know.

Lacey: So then how is this even possible?

How could he keep that up!?

All those years!?

Lem has no needs of his own???

Gloria: But women do that all the time??

Lacey: And they develop eating disorders. And they hang themselves.

But Lem just keeps laughing????

Gloria: Honestly? I feel like a stupid hick little girl when I talk to you, Lacey.

But I see your point.

Lacey: Do you not care about Lem’s feelings?

Gloria: No!

I care about Lem’s feelings.

Lacey: *Thinks.*

*Tries not to cry.*

*Has to take a moment.*

Lem: Do you really care about his feelings THAT MUCH!?

Lacey: Yes.

Gloria: *Nods.*

I’ve had to realize that.

*She cries.*

Lacey: He’s a real person, Gloria!

Gloria: Yeah.

*She cries.*

Lacey: So you do care?

Gloria: YES.

Lacey: Okay?

So you’re not just perversely in love with JFK?

Gloria: No.

…

Gloria imagines a gory scene. Lem is drunk. Determined to make Jack be faithful. Truman Capote had a talk with him.

But being heterosexual, Lacey has to rescue him. He’s a bloody mess, emotionally. And Lacey has to literally drag him out of the room, practically.

Lem: You’re understanding more.

Except I’m more…masculine, than that.

And I’m too big to be pulled anywhere by her.

*He laughs.*

Gloria: I’m not okay.

I really did imagine he’d be different.

Lacey: So…I’ve known gay men who are the way you describe. Or mostly gay men.

How about this:

He does sing for Jack.

But…then he goes and locks himself in a bathroom. And cries.

To seem above it all.

Gets drunk. Does try to sleep with Jack.

Later he goes home…and eats too much. Takes a sleeping pill.

Rinse and repeat.

Gloria: Does he admit to being hurt by Jack?

Lacey: No!

Never.

But he’s a mess.

And he’s too addicted to the Jack experience…to leave. Men have feelings too. It’s just very complicated.

So he seems fine. But he’s not. He’s incredibly self-destructive.

Gloria: Does he hook-up with other men?

Lacey: Yes!

But he’s not able to move on. Because Jack keeps manipulating him.

Jack keeps him thinking there’s something there.

Gloria: You understand and understood this better than me.

I feel genuinely dumb.

Pamela Cisneros: How do you all get so confused!?

I feel bad for you…but get real!

YOU ATTACKED HER.

…How did you mess this up!?

I’m tired of watching her be too nice to you.

Gloria: That’s rich!

Cisneros: Well it takes one to know one.

How did you mess this up?

Huh?!

Everyone is examining me. Because what I did is obvious.

Don’t you care so damn much about poor people? Right?

Then YOU fess-up!!

Gloria: FINE!

Yes. I did curse Lacey.

I did literally curse her.

Some dumbass woman who tried to hang on to Lem. I resented her.

Pamela: YEAH!

SO EXPLAIN!!!

Gloria: *Thinks.*

I’m mean.

Okay?

I can be mean.

…And I’m a little narcissistic.

So…-

SHIT!

You know what it is? He’s Jack Kennedy.

I do care about his feelings… I swear.

But… he’s JFK.

Eric: *Laughs*

I’m sorry, but we can’t help it.

Excuse us, Gloria.

Eric channels people’s reactions.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Do you hate Dolly and Gloria?

Gloria: NO!

Of course she doesn’t hate us.

Eric is channeling me. I’m not being attacked.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: But you sound like you’re being attacked?

Gloria: Are you really that stubborn?

Yes!

I did a lot of harm.

You may admire me, but GET A CLUE! …You really think I was that innocent? That angelic!?

No. I did a lot of evil. And I am actually suffering.

Your idea of God and evil is delusional.

Evil is real. The afterlife isn’t a joke. People do pay for their mistakes.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: I hate her.

Gloria: Why? Are you jealous?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yeah?

Gloria: Then I think you’re talking to yourself too much about her and taking yourself way too seriously.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Why did you hate her? I don’t get it.

Gloria: Are you holding on to your seat?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yes.

Gloria: Okay…-

I was into witchcraft.

*She pauses.*

And Lacey really is…Tom Banks’s daughter.

*She pauses.*

He ran the state of Minnesota, from behind closed doors. He was a very important man. Maybe you don’t understand that. But he was. Extremely important!

That’s HER FATHER. …That’s her father.

I didn’t know her. I didn’t know of her specifically. However…I knew of women like her. And…I’m a very smart woman. I’m a very strategic thinker.

…I-I was spiritually on her case…without even knowing who she was.

Why? Well…because she’s their ideal.

Do you know who I mean?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Oh no.

WHO!?

Gloria: Men like Tucker Carlson. Vladimir Putin.

She’s honestly their real ideal.

And, stupidly, I assumed it was…something to hold her accountable for.

And she’s very mad at me for that. And I don’t blame her.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Are you secretly backward?

Gloria Steinem: YES!

Isn’t that funny?

I was.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yeah. You can’t make her a lesbian.

I’m stuck being bisexual.

Did you not fully understand that???

Lem: I understood that. It’s why I tried to be gay. It’s why I acted gay. I believed I was stuck being a homosexual.

It’s my father’s medical background. I used to ask him lots of scientific questions.

Gloria: Yeah…-

See…I was stupid.

I-

I secretly did think it was somewhat of a choice.

*She shrugs.*

A reader of Lacey’s blog: How could you think that!?

Gloria: Well…that’s just how I was raised.

I was 92.

A lot of people in my generation weren’t so…scientific. I guess.

Sorry.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Lacey, this is shocking.

This blog is SHOCKING.

Somehow, being so heterosexual, I think you’ve missed that social cue.

Yeah, we have- YOU ARE SHOCKING US.

Lem: I’m shocking?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Are you really gay?

Lem: What do you mean?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: I’m trying to be funny.

Lem: Oh! Well. No, I’m not gay.

Never was.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Laughs.*

*Thinks.*

*Nods.*

YEAH!

*She thinks.*

So you really used to sit around crying? While watching “I Love Lucy”?!

Lem: Yes!

A reader of Lacey’s blog: See…you’re real.

You’re the real Lem Billings.

And actually…when I stop to think about it…you being this way makes complete sense-

A gay man: YES! It does!!!!

A reader of Lacey’s blog: But it means you’re real. And to be honest, I’m spoiled. I’m used to thinking of celebrities as…different.

But you’re real.

Gloria…I’ve been reading this blog. For a while. Why were you blocking this conversation!?

Gloria: It made sense to me. I thought it was for the best.

No, Lacey’s fine. She’s stuck being with men. And actually, *She shrugs* being dead has given me a new perspective on men. Yes! It has.

…Why wouldn’t they love her? She’s really just being herself. And that’s why it’s an actual male ideal.

The problem isn’t her. The problem isn’t men who idealize her, per se. The problem is that her type was used by evil-hearted men, to inflict harm on women.

And it’s actually quite tragic.

I had an inkling of that…as I aged…but…old dogs don’t learn new tricks, I guess. And I wanted to think the worst of what she has. I just couldn’t believe it was a good as it actually is. As objectively good.

Yes. An absolutely real, objective truthful goodness.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: I had hoped she was bisexual.

Gloria: What if she was? And she married a hot young woman with money, her age?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Thinking*

Gloria: Or a rich intellectual type?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Thinking*

Gloria: Be careful.

Part of why I couldn’t handle her…was jealousy.

Be wise.

Lem: Did you ever wonder if I had a wife?

Gloria: Yeah.

I did.

In my subconscious.

Lem: Was that part of why you targeted Lacey?

Gloria: Yes.

We are spiritual beings.

*Later.*

Lem: Gloria, why me? Why bother about me?

Gloria: Because you were gay.

I mean…okay you weren’t. But…-

DAMMIT.

God: Why does that matter so much?

Gloria: *She thinks.*

Because he’s not Lem then. He’s not the man we thought we knew.

I loved that character. He was strong. Like me. Determined. Defiant.

Lem: That’s LACEY.

Gloria: Yeah…but…- Lacey’s a sexy as hell woman.

Lacey could seduce Elliott Roosevelt.

You…are…attractive. You’re a damn attractive man, Lem. Okay! Fine. But…she’s- And I don’t relate to her.

Lacey, I don’t think you get it. You’re HOT. And I don’t relate. Sweetie, I’m attractive, but I can’t relate.

I get being Lem. I get that…experience. Or at least more than being you.

I loved “Lem”.

Lem: But I’m an abused pushover.

Why is that admirable? Especially to a feminist?

Gloria: *Thinks*

Because you’re…so…loving.

Lem: Not to myself.

And actually not even to him, in reality.

Gloria: Yeah.

I’m not entirely honest. Or I wasn’t.

I was pseudo intellectual at times. I didn’t think it through. I loved the idea of a totally loving, caring, tragic hero. Who gave himself totally, in love. Never looking back and yet finding so much happiness…

Lem: Happiness in what!? Happiness in what, Gloria?

Gloria: In bed?

Lem: *Nods.*

How does that make any sense?

Gloria: Because sex isn’t about emotion?

Lem: Is that what you really thought? That it was this…totally separate thing?

Gloria: I fell for the bullshit.

Yes.

I was dumb enough to honestly believe that.

It never occurred to me that that made absolutely no sense at all.

Lem: *Nods*

See…Lacey and I think like doctors. We know that it’s physically impossible for sex not to be intrinsically emotional. Deeply emotional, actually.

There’s no human way it can’t be.

How, as smart as you are, did you fall for that?

Gloria: I feel dumb.

Because men told me so!

*She throws her hands up in exasperation.*

Because men told me so!

Do you know how many men insisted it was “nothing”!?

Lem…why did you excuse Jack!?

Lem: Because it’s sex.

As much as I pretended to be gay, I had a strong desire for women. And…I made an assumption that all men were just like that. That they all had this…crazy desire for sex. With women.

And I knew…women weren’t…quite the same. Or I assumed that.

So…yes. It’s emotional. But…men want it more. They just do.

And if a woman wants to risk being hurt…because she’s a slob? Fine. Women don’t always have a good conscience. Sometimes they drink too much. …I assumed the women who he slept with Jack were all like that. And they actually often were. Women who were…questionable.

The ones who weren’t? They bothered me. And actually, they’re part of the reason I secretly hated him.

Gloria: Did you have a crush on Jackie?

Lem: Yes. Not a huge crush, but yes.

Gloria: What about Jack’s feelings?

Lem: Jack was a jerk.

I figured that out by the second or third month of knowing him.

And I liked how crass I could be around him. He didn’t freak out, easily.

But…he posed the photos of my butt. He told me to pose like that. And it actually made me feel uncomfortable. But I was tough, and I was crass sometimes.

…I didn’t think he was normal.

I thought I was going to help him. Reform him. Work as a sort of conscience for him.

I wasn’t. But…I imagined I might be able to help him.

Gloria: You are depicted that way, and yet you’re also not.

What would have been a typical night?

Had Lacey been there.

Lem: I’ve talked about this.

At length.

Why would telling you now be helpful?

Gloria: Well, I’m more aware now.

Lem: Yeah.

But we’re tired of explaining.

And being misunderstood and mocked.

Gloria: So…you know Joe is cheating?

Joe Junior?

Lem: Yes.

Well…he’d have at least cut back for Lacey. Some.

I’m sure there would have been a few women who he’d have stood-up or stopped contacting. Maybe four.

But he’d have kept one or two.

Pat Wilson being one of them, at least eventually.

Gloria: So she’s at a party. As his fiancée. At Cape Cod.

What year,

Lem: 1952.

Gloria: Okay!

And you’re there.

Of course.

Lem: Yeah.

Gloria: And you have such an innate innocence. With those glasses. And your dorky expression.

Do you start talking to her or does she start talking to you?

Lem: I start talking to her. Over a cocktail I make for her, pretending that I really know bartending. To impress her.

We get along well.

Jack and Joe find it highly advantageous.

They even encourage it.

Gloria: Wow.

I’m an idiot…

I’m an IDIOT in this story.

But it’s real.

Go on!

Lem: Yeah.

But it’s not about you.

Gloria: *Thinks.*

So then what?

Lem: So then we get to talking.

And around 10 PM…after Joe starts flirting with thee Katharine Hepburn…Lacey gets too hurt.

So…she starts studying me. Wondering what I look like without my glasses.

And when Joe takes off with Katharine to the beach with a group of friends, she decides to take matters into her own hands. She kisses me. And I love the idea.

Gloria: That’s not what we thought.

But that’s who you actually were and are.

Lem: And so that’s what’s real, Gloria.