The Illuminati: That’s essentially impossible. We’ve all seen them.
Wait, who are you talking about?
*They laugh*
A reader: I’m just trying to get a rise out of her!
I know it’s possible that they’re real.
The Illuminati: Who even are you!??
A reader: A female, white member of the perfume community. I’m just being a jealous bitch. *she giggles*
The Illuminati: So you think that’s cute!?!
A reader: *nods*
I get a lot of tail.
The Illuminati: That’s not how I meant what I just said.
A reader: Okay.
*looks nervous*
Okay.
*looks increasingly nervous*
I’m not-
*Looks very nervous*
The Illuminati: You’re not American? You’re Russian?
A reader: No.
Okay.
*snarls*
*God escorts her out, so to speak*
Lacey: Is there anyone who can explain?
An Evangelical Christian: You don’t explain, but I have a feeling I know what happened. These men fell genuinely in love with you. Offered you real commitment, maybe even marriage, on a certain level. And then they took it back, ruined it, or whatever. And…it’s not that you’re dumb…it’s that you’re just not being given anyone who’s-
Okay…that’s-
Am I right about any of this?
Lacey: Yes.
Do you need a detailed description!?
An Evangelical Christian: This is all highly unusual. I can’t-
Like…what!?
God: She’s not an average woman. Do you understand who Tom is? Her father?
An Evangelical Christian: No.
God: He wasn’t a bank robber. He was a buddy of FDR. …Her father was friends with extremely powerful people.
An Evangelical Christian: I don’t get it.
God: Yes you do. You’re lying.
*Later*
Lacey: What is it people are even thinking?
A random guy: You are scaring people!
Lacey: Why!?
Why?
A random guy: Because it’s so real.
Lacey: And you’re all used to sensationalism.
A random guy: Yes.
Lacey: Well…it’s very experimental.
*later*
Lacey: Please try to explain. What is it!?!
*later*
Kelly Clarkson: I got harassed at a store. Recently. In Brooklyn.
Lacey: What does that have to do with anything I’m talking about…?
Kelly: Nothing. I just thought that would be up your alley.
*she laughs*
Lacey: *Reads the article she’s directed to. Acts empathetic.*
Kelly: In all honesty? I’m making fun of you. Do you get how or are you actually that dumb?
Lacey: How-
*totally confused*
What’s the idea?
Kelly: Bobby said that the CIA forced him to tell them that his dad, Bobby-
A buddy of hers: SHHH!!!!
Kelly: I’m drunk.
*laughs*
HIS DAD GRABBED HIS CROTCH!
*laughs*
Bobby: I am currently investigating if my dad molested me. Yes. My dad Bobby.
Why is this being shared?
Kelly: Wait what?
Mina Kimes: Because…-
Bobby: You all told Faye Emerson to fuck Elliott. You tricked him.
Kelly: What does this have to do with me?
Mina: Bobby is my friend.
Bobby: We are not going there!
We are soo not going there.
Kelly: Lacey. The insult is that you’re too poor to even go to the store.
Satan: *cracks-up laughing*
Oh wait. Shit.
*notices that Lacey is really hurt*
But Lacey can afford…-
Lacey: Can you not understand why I’m hurt?
Satan: *Thinks*
Because you’re abandoned. And you’re being targeted by ruthless, blind, deeply self-focused women.
Or you’re…far too alone.
They’re worse than what I just said…-
Lacey: Yes.
Satan: Yeah. It’s an insult to your intelligence and a sick denial of your existence.
Casi: I feel like you’re actually letting them keep power?
Lacey: They’re like good bacteria. When they’re not being pure evil. I’m trying to get the good bacteria to grow…and destroy the bad.
Casi: I’m embarrassed that you didn’t have a crush on me…and I assumed so much.
Lacey: *a moment later*
Yes…well…it happens, I guess. You know?
*later*
Casi: I’m not done! I’m trying to say something else.
You don’t have any attraction to me. Fine.
And you don’t feel anything for me. Fine.
But I don’t understand. Why are you so nonchalant about it?
Lacey: *Thinks*
Isn’t that the way people politely respond?
Casi: Yeah? But I want to know what you’re feeling. Like, isn’t that weird to you?
Lacey: Mmm…no.
*I shrug*
It’s not that big of a deal. You know? People get crushes on people all of the time. And often they’re…flukes.
*later*
Casi: It seems you care.
Lacey: *looks confused*
*then looks tired*
Casi: You’re straight.
Lacey: Yup.
That’s too bad you got a crush on me. Shoot.
I’m sure you’ll get over it. You have to.
Casi: Yeah.
*she laughs*
Lacey: *looks confused*
So that’s good.
*smiles*
You’ve probably already gotten over it.
Casi: My husband thinks I have.
Lacey: Good.
Casi: Do you like me?
Lacey: Like you? Huh. Like how?
Casi: Like as a girl. Like girlfriend.
Lacey: *calms herself*
Casi…I’m not “interested” in you. In any way. At all.
I never have been. I’m sorry!
Casi: *cries*
Lacey: *stares at her*
*smiles*
Oh! You’re not missing out on anything.
I’m a woman who’s straight. I’m never going to interest you really. It’s a delusion. A hallucination. A horrible misunderstanding.
I get why you’re upset, but try to remind yourself that it’s not…-
Casi: I’m missing-out on a woman I imagined existed. *she cries*
Lacey: *looks sympathetic*
I wonder how much I actually even look like that person?
Casi: So you look like this:
Lacey: In all honesty, I’m better-looking. But yes.
What did your person actually look like, in person?
Casi: Five foot six. Fat. 170 pounds.
Intelligent.
Actually…fatter. 190.
Not as curvy. Kind. Intelligent.
I HATE YOU!!!!
You ARE a BITCH.
Not because you’re not nice. Because you are.
*Later*
Lacey: What is up with her!??
*she laughs*
A perfume community dude: She’s a loser.
Lacey: *Looks confused*
Well, I hope she’s okay.
I’ve never fully understood what’s going on.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Because she’s not a guy.
Lacey: Maybe? Yeah, I feel like turning down a guy is easier.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Why?
Lacey: Because they’re so tough. You can just shove them off and they lose interest and go away.
I mean…eww. Just GET OVER IT.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: She can’t help it.
Lacey: *rolls her eyes*
It’s absolute nonsense.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I mean, you’re right. But we haven’t figured out how yet.
Lacey: *Thinks*
*looks empathetically sad*

*later*
Bobby: I thought it was sophisticated to try to rape her neighbor last night. I also thought it was funny to eat my shit before I did it and my plan was for her to say after I raped her “Bobby I know you think that I am now in love with you, but the truth is I know you’re full of shit.” And then I was gonna say, “No, my dear. I’m covered in it.”.
*he laughs*
Aaron: Bobby, how would you be covered in it?
You swallowed it.
Bobby: Because it’s like I ate it like I was ravenous, so it’s like all over my face.
Aaron: Is that how you eat your food when you’re really enjoying yourself?
Bobby: I eat my food with gusto when I’m really enjoying it. Yes fine, it isn’t funny, but I was drunk and I was sad and it seemed funny to me at the time.
Aaron: There are men who used to think that you were like a sex God why are you…shattering that for people?
Bobby: I had no intention of shattering anything.
I was trying to bring justice to myself. I’ve had a very hard time the last couple of years and in the last couple weeks and I’m just wanted to let off some steam and be silly.
Lem: Is Lacey trying to torture me so that I don’t feel more pain on my own?
God: Yes.
I think that is slightly in the back of her mind at least to try to torture you with Elliott so that you don’t have to make it up to her.  And I think Satan got sick of it and decided to call her bluff.  Except she’s trying to call his bluff, and I am at an impasse. 
Lem: Do you actually love her?
God: Yes. The problem is Lem, he actually is in love with her, and it is significant. And I think she’s incredibly angry because the whole thing just makes absolutely no sense and she knows I’m a God of order and functionality and happiness and she’s very rightfully extraordinarily disturbed.
Lacey: I’m looking forward to cleaning my floor. That is truly the highlight of my entire weekend. It’s been nice to relax with my family, but that’s survival, not that I don’t love being around them, but we have very heightened cortisol levels.
Richard Ramirez: She’s trying to say she’s disturbed by that, but I’m too angry. I need to say something.
There is an Illuminati. And actually what you don’t want to admit Bobby is that you’re a fucking idiot.
You took yourself way too seriously with Lem and you’re mortified to the point of insanity.
Here’s another insight: I really did screw-up my life.
Here’s another insight: I really did screw-up my life.
Here’s another insight: Chris thought that Lacey was a Sagittarius. And he totally misinterpreted her. She’s actually a Libra Virgo cusp. That is a dramatically different person than a Sagittarius- *He laughs*
The Illuminati has been torturing her for 10 years on the premise that she’s a Sagittarius, which is how Miley Cyrus is so involved.  You’ve been trying to silence her bullshit because you didn’t realize that she was actually trying to be helpful to him because she thought Michael Rockefeller was losing his mind.  But she doesn’t have any bullshit. She was genuinely just trying to figure out what was going on in a very Virgo-Libra way.
F. Scott Fitzgerald used to irritate people with his questions and his insights and he was born almost at the same time that she was. You guys have been silencing order and sanity for 10 years and the entire world thinking that you were doing the right thing by the poor.  Her insight and her balance is what was actually needed to de-escalate the situation with him.  But he’s so egotistical and insecure that he couldn’t handle it and he interpreted it as some sort of weird dig and joke.  Also he got into the occult and he’s not native and so he took her birth sign to be an entirely different thing than what it is.  And I don’t think you guys are dealing with that reality right now, which is sad because you are an occult organization, you’re obviously an occult organization, so you probably should take the revelation you had today about astrology far more seriously. 
A mom: Do you not want to understand what happened because it makes her seem lovable, but also vulnerable and kind of funny? Because I have a husband who’s a Virgo and when he loses his temper, sometimes it makes me laugh because it’s just sort of endearing. And sometimes it makes me angry because it’s sort of just in my face but often there’s something funny about it because they’re so jovial and cheerful and sweet and logical and smart and it’s real and then all of a sudden I just burst because something just flips in their head and they just like explode and it’s not actually bad for them, but you have to understand that something clicked in their head and now they’re angry. But it’s sort of funny because they’re so smart a lot of the time and then those moments it’s like you realize that they’re just as human as you potentially. Can you not handle her humanity because then you have to realize that you’re really torturing a human?
*later*
A Boomer male: Did you not take relationship with Vladimir Putin seriously because you thought she was a Sagittarius?
The Illuminati: Yes.
A Boomer male: *Tries not to laugh*
OK, so I’m guessing that there was secret information that he gathered from her accidentally on her part no doubt in Red Wing Minnesota at the St. James Hotel years ago and you didn’t think that it was necessary to take any of that seriously because you thought she was just a silly person because you think a Sagittarius is silly like Miley Cyrus or Brad Pitt or something? 
The Illuminati: Yes.
A Boomer Male: Give us an example of what you did.
The Illuminati: OK so he asked her about the state of Minnesota questions about real estate housing prices, and she told us that and said that she was very concerned about what he was asking, and that she said that there was something deeper that he was digging for. Because we were harassing her at this point and she was used to that and so she was trying to be helpful and she told us that that was concerning to her of course this is all through back channels and it’s telepathy and she knows she’s not schizophrenic, but it’s been Hell for her. It makes sense that she’s a Virgo because she couldn’t conceptualize of everything but that never-
We don’t know what he was asking. Because that was years ago. A lot of water has passed under the bridge. She was under stress and she just let it go because we insisted that we knew better than her friends in the CIA because we’re the Illuminati and at least some of us have taken ourselves, maybe a little too seriously over the years. Believing that we’re Illuminated.
She didn’t know who he was. She was worried that she had been involved in a brief moment with a very aggressive Russian man who greatly resembled Vladimir. And she described him as incredibly charming, but very aggressive. And we didn’t take that seriously either. 
We just kept thinking that she was blabbering about housing prices because she was poor and couldn’t afford a bigger house and that it was just a weird joke to her. And then we also assumed that she was talking about him like he was charming because she was trying to sound you know like a lady, like she really understood human behavior or something like she was so sophisticated.
That doesn’t sound possible but that is what happened. I’m sorry if that scares you but that actually is what happens if there’s an Illuminati.
Another male Boomer: Why are you harassing her?
The Illuminati: She bought a new mop, by the way. It’s depressing to some of us who care not all of us but to some of us who actually care it’s depressing that that’s what she looks forward to now.
So…-
To be honest, there are some formerly woke… Millennials and Gen X members in the Illuminati one or two who are now dead, including Sinéad O’Connor, who chose to attack her. The idea was to try to fix the world. We’re Satanists. So we were trying to do our job as the illuminated, and some of us felt compelled to attack her, and so they just went with it, and they just let themselves be totally cruel because they thought that it was part of their Illuminated state.
*later*
A female Boomer: What are you doing? With all these men?
You must be logged in to post a comment.