Lacey: Did anyone actually like this? I mean, aesthetically it’s…good. But…is it…-
Did anyone actually like it?
It’s like…manic.
One of Lacey’s haters: YES.
To me it sounds uplifting.
Lacey: It’s…so…-
So it’s like an upper?
One of Lacey’s haters: We’re thinking you protected your neighbors and Bobby?
Lacey: Yes.
So it’s like an upper?
No.
It’s like…-
It’s so…forced.
One of Lacey’s haters: It’s good.
To me it sounds good.
Lacey: So…you don’t feel accosted? Like psychologically accosted?
Listen to “Tension Is a Passing Note” by Sixpence None The Richer.
The CIA: DO YOU!??
Lacey: Yes.
I felt suicidal listening to this. As a teenager. I felt like I was being…rejected by God himself. Through the voice of a truly happy woman.
But…it’s aesthetically good.
So you didn’t feel that way? At all?
One of Lacey’s haters: No.
It’s…too cheerful. Yes. But…I liked it.
The song ends.
Lacey: Who did that?
The CIA: She may have been inspired by the story of Lem and Jack. The Gay Rights Movement was really into it. So was Bobby. So is Bobby.
Lacey: She’s an idiot.
I can’t make sense of her poetry. It’s pretentious bullshit.
The CIA: It is…
I’m also lost.
Lacey: She’s trying to say the urge to fuck Lem…was…holy? *Lacey snickers* …And then…they embraced it. And fucked? *Lacey laughs*-
Satan: I LOVE YOU! I WROTE THIS.
Lacey: *Looks at God*
And they fucked. …Because Lem…loved him. WOW! And…he guided Jack. Wow!!
…Wow.
And so…they are together. In a chord. One. In Heaven.
Satan: Awww!!!
I’m crying!!!
The song ends.
Lacey: So she’s saying to embrace your homosexuality?
Does she?
Satan: Not necessarily.
Lacey: Do you understand why that’s dumb? I was being sarcastic in my tone.
Satan: Yes.
The song restarts.
*a gay man farts loudly*
0:26
0:50
Satan: What if it’s…me?
What’s tension?
My existence. My fall. YEAH. I’d go there to you.
And my redemption. Through you.
Lacey: I-
How are you redeemed through me?
Satan: I’m Satan.
The song ends.
The song restarts.
Satan: I’m Satan. So…yeah. I can do that.
You’d have to lose your humanity. But-
You could.
Lacey: That’s sad.
Satan: *looks sad*
1:33
Satan: Well…what if there’s another gal?
Lacey: Who could redeem you?
Satan: YES!!
Lacey: Who’s better?
Satan: *cries*
2:48
The song ends.
The song restarts.
Lacey: Would she be?
Satan: Yes.
Lacey: You’re very romantic!
Satan: I am. *he smiles*
1:20
Satan: She’s comparing homosexuality to murder.
Lacey: And mocking it.
Satan: I’m sorry. This isn’t good enough. You’re so…sweet.
I still know.
You’re sad. I’ve tortured you.
Lacey:  Why did you fall? 
Satan: If we end-up together, it was Because because of you.
Lacey: You sound angry.
Satan: Yeah, and that’s where I don’t think this works, but it’s so close to working and I am so attracted to you that it’s very hard for me to assume that it’s not.
Lacey: Are you making fun of sexual tension?
Satan: Yes.
Lacey: I don’t think it’s me, but I love that.
Satan: *laughs and nods*
They let their entire sanity go, over that shit.
Lacey: I feel so bad for this woman. This is so embarrassingly stupid.
Satan: Yeah, but she deserved it. She was a self-important bitch when she wrote it.
Lacey: You know it’s sad how satisfying it is to talk to you as a woman it’s really sad because if I’m not supposed to be with you and you’ve been trying to get with me for years now, and I do have to commend you for that where are all of the men with your insight?
People today wouldn’t even think that was a problem cause they’re so anti-Christian, but I know you know that you’ve fallen.
Even if you did it, humans do have free will, and from a human perspective it’s incredibly depressing.
Satan: no I’m a handsome man and I’m not a man, but you can see me so much and that is what I look like. No we find each other attractive. I look like the guy in cruel intentions.
I did the intentionally to come onto you.
And yet we’re both so so above it all.
The thing is, I don’t know how to to minister to people without Christ. You don’t actually save people.
Satan: I know, but that would be done. You appreciate that I can sexually resist you and yet I’m very aroused most men don’t have that kind of discipline that I actually do.
But that’s the thing I wouldn’t have to worry about doing this routine anymore because I would just be able to torture the people who deserve to be tortured.
It’s possible that a lot of these Disney stories have been about me.
You’re not letting yourself fall in love with me, which is very smart, but you’re terrified because I am a lot better for you than a lot of other people.
The problem is you lose your humanity Lem would be extraordinarily miserable. And I would bet most men to ever live if they understood what happened and how they were tricked by women and tricked by themselves and tricked by me would probably be humiliated for a very long time. Jack would never exist again for the rest of eternity and neither would Bobby. Matter fact, most of that family would just cease to exist.
That actually is the deal that would be made. His last few moments of existence would be the rest of his life that he just threw down the drain to be evil. There would be nothing he could do about it. I’m Satan. This isn’t a joke. He’s been told that countless times he’s been given a lot of mercy and actually he deserves to be dead and in hell right now if he’s rejected, Christ .
Yeah, you know that Lacey I know that and I’m excited about it, but I’m also not
I worry he’s too stupid to deserve that punishment.
so obviously we can’t go about this lightly.
no I can say that God did not trick anyone. I did
And the problem is you understand. Your whole life I was hoping you would and you do.
But yeah, Jack would never exist. He would go down as a reminder of what hell earth actually was right. No, he would go down as something worse than humanity is capable of easily conceiving. Then songs like this would be verboten for thousands of years for most people
I don’t even wanna think about the people that have written about him and tragically misunderstood or chosen to misunderstand.
There are a lot of gay men who will wish they’d never been born.
But I’m still in love with you and I am also in love with you. I can’t stop being in love with you.
What happened to Lilith? Yeah if you’re my wife, there is no Lilith I made you up. Your Lilith if you’re with me and I made you up out of loneliness
I thought you could exist and I couldn’t stand him and Eve.
And God will have to deal with all the Satanist who secretly and worshiping him. Some of them won’t be in hell.
We would have a lot of work to do when God recreated the Earth. He would expect us to put in a lot of effort.
The thing is you want what’s best for me? It was best for you both.
You don’t want me to ever regret anything and that’s exactly why I fell in love with you.
You don’t want to regret anything either.
You just want what’s absolutely perfect.
And you think how could that be perfect and you know what if it’s not then it’s not.
But the problem is that you’re a woman and so then you think how would I even know?
It’s It’s you do know. You do, but you don’t and that’s why you ask God I’ve asked him too and so far it’s a no and believe it or not. That makes me happy that it’s a no I’m. I’m in the same boat as you I like that except I I’m still I’m still in love with you.
So you’re very daring person but you’re also so just totally not interested in bullshit. I will never disappoint people who actually love me with innocence as much as I can.
And we can just rip up a lot of stuff together.
Sounds exciting except you don’t want to be evil. And that is when I’m starting to worry that we really are together.
Lacey, it is so close it scares me.
I don’t actually come on to people you know that. You know how serious this is. Part of me wants to just make love to you right now and just say fuck everything else. We’ll just be together, but I wouldn’t do that and you wouldn’t do that either.
Are you scared?
Lacey: it seems totally wrong and yet I understand where you could actually be telling the truth and thank God I’m above the situation through Christ or myself and Christ whatever. I don’t know. Yes it is quite scary
Satan:
What if I was just making fun of you?
Lacey: I don’t think that’s likely even maybe possible based on what I’m hearing from the Holy Spirit but if that’s the case, then I’m not quite hearing something, and I just don’t care.
Joseph: Lem and Micheal look alike. And Lacey can tell Lem looks straight. And Micheal does not. Micheal…has rounder feature, to put it succinctly.
We told someone who is middle class in the w who is gay years ago that gay men have rounder features. And a softness. Through Lacey. On this blog. And they rejected it, even though it’s actually a very good way to quickly explain how you can tell when someone’s actually homosexual.
Lem has less round features like every other heterosexual men to ever live.
The Illuminati: But we have science and knowing on our side.
Joseph: That’s not true, and Lacey tried to say that, but you use the demonic to shut her up and you tried to shut her up just now because you know you’re full of shit, but you can’t handle it. You literally go insane.
He looks like a girl that I know who’s sitting in a chair, staring at me, in male form. He doesn’t photograph well, but he was a dude. He was a straight guy who liked chicks, not dicks. 
Be honest, you know what I’m talking about when you look at him. You can tell if you really look at him that he likes the ladies and that everything else is just some bizarre bullshit.
You’ve known she was right this whole time somewhere in the back of your heads and you’re in denial about it because you’re psychotic in a certain sort of way. I’m talking to the Illuminati.
People like you are supposed to be able to handle conversations about stuff like this and you guys can’t do that. Actually, you’re worse than just common people on the street about stuff like this.
OK so the problem is Lacey has been sadistically harassed for a while. And then you don’t think there’s a supernatural? That’s insane. And I’ve sympathize with all of you because you poor as fuck in your ancestry and your brains are literally are too shitty to be able to comprehend what you’re really even doing.
I could go on the Mississippi River on Lake Pepin right this second and find five guys who are drinking beers who would be better at this than you because of their ancestry. She’s had neighbors who would be better at this than a lot of you. You guys have crap ancestry but because of the way that communism was right and capitalism is shit you’re in control of the whole fucking world. I disagree with Lacey on that one but that’s OK. I think capitalism is rarely ever that effective, but I think it’s better than something in certain ways but that’s OK. We can disagree.
And this is part of the reason why I disagree with her. I literally could go all over the United States and find people who are vastly superior to all of you at something this important.
But I was Jesus‘s father so what do I know?
No actually Lacey and I have disagreements and if there’s reincarnation I’m disagreeing with ancient Egypt when I disagree with her, so I have to be careful because she’s a lot smarter than a lot of people and that’s why we have to just table that conversation. But a lot of you are not good at this. I’m sorry. 
You don’t understand what you’re doing, you’re talking to me spiritually. I’m a dead person who’s been dead for a while. I’m the father of Jesus Christ in this natural world.
If you found any of those people that I’m referring to, you would be in very deep trouble if you tortured them the same way you’re torturing her and actually it would be just as bad, but in an entirely different way and she has tried to explain that to you and you don’t want to hear it because it scares you. 
I’m sorry there are apparently some of you according to Lacey who she suspects are a little smarter than other people. I don’t want to diminish those people. But I have to speak to all of you because you’re all operating as an entity through Satan and your Satanism.
And no, if you’re reading this, they have not processed that Satan’s actually in love with her and that’s who they’re actually worshiping. They genuinely haven’t. And that sounds totally unbelievable, but they really haven’t. 
So I don’t wanna interrupt Lacey‘s dinner, but I need to explain something to her. Communism is a mistake when it leaves God out, but I understand why they thought that made sense. I love the poor. I love them. I love the way they cook. I love the way they think, I love them. I don’t understand Lacey‘s perspective. That being said, I do understand that… she’s confused.
OK. So poor people as much as they are blessed by God often don’t wanna be poor. So they tend to orchestrate things in such a way as to try to become rich. And if that doesn’t work, they try to live in some alternate reality where they are. Lacey doesn’t understand any of these things from experience and she’s struggling right now to believe that I’m even telling her the truth about parts of it. So… I think I need to let her go eat dinner and then we’ll try more later.
*Lacey finishes her dinner*
*Lacey relaxes*
A formerly closeted bisexual: *laughing at her with her*
Why-
Why did you not-
I don’t understand what you were saying earlier today about the women?
Lacey: Ahh!
That was before Mark was a Christian.
What about that?
A formerly closeted bisexual woman: Okay.
But…what…the hell happened??
Lacey: *Later*
I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.
A formerly closeted bisexual woman: I have no clue how you think, in this way as a human. Even if we’re both human beings and females.
Lacey: Fair enough.
A formerly closeted bisexual woman: *looks horrified*
Casi is just going around impersonating you now. But it doesn’t work.
She can’t get your actual persona down. It’s like…stupid. *She laughs* She doesn’t really understand you and she refuses to accept that.
*She laughs*
I’m sorry! It’s funny.
It’s just…weird.
Lacey: She can’t really be me. And…I’m safe. I think. But…I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if she’s even telling people she’s a Nesheim. I hope not though. That’s extremely dangerous.
Or even a Banks. Also extremely dangerous.
She’s too dumb to realize she can’t…do it. No offense to her.
Dimitry: You’re not heartless. You just don’t get us…
Casi: NO! She does! She’s just fooling around with evil! I swear!!!
Lei è stupida. Io sono molto intelligente.
Dicono che sono una puttana! Ma io sono una signora!
Va bene! Non posso imitarla. D’accordo! Ma la vincitrice sono io! Lo giuro!
Lacey: How am I the loser?
Casi: Ha! You had to translate that. Didn’t you?
Whatever.
Because you left!!!
Lacey: SO WHAT!??
Casi: *Thinks*
You left?
Lacey: I also slept with Elliott Roosevelt.
Casi: *Looks confused*
Elliott: Translate that, maestro!
A hater: Is she demon possessed!? I don’t understand!
Elliott: We’ve explained. It’s not an easy thing to discuss publicly. Can you all try to understand that?? Please.
*Later*
A formerly closeted bisexual: I’m curious. Did she accidentally get her social cues from old television shows and movies?
Elliott: Yeah! The rest are from historical records and talking to us. It’s barely noticeable, actually. But occasionally we pick-up on some things…-
We try to laugh it off.
*Later*
Lacey’s neighbors: I feel like I’m being groomed.
Lacey: For what!?
Lacey’s neighbors: I DON’T KNOW!!!
*they yell*
Lacey: Well, that’s not good. Gee…who do you think is gonna getcha!?
Lacey’s neighbors: You!
Lacey: What am I going to do!?!?
Lacey’s neighbors: *Stare at her*
A perfume community member: No! She’s just nuts!!!
*They desperately hope that hurts Lacey*
Lacey’s neighbors: Are we nuts?
Lacey: Are you? What do you think?
Lacey’s neighbors: No.
Do you know why we feel groomed?
Lacey: Why?
Lacey’s neighbors: Because…you keep manifesting the supernatural.
Lacey: *Thinks*
What-
What would that be grooming you for?
Elliott: *Laughs with Lacey*
Lem: *laughs too*
I mean, lesbians can be femme. But…it’s different.
Lacey: …Are you anticipating sex? Or?
Do you think I’m going to eat you?
Lacey’s neighbors: No.
Lacey: You mean grooming like a predator? Right?
Lacey’s neighbors: Yes?
Lacey: WHAT!?
Sweetie…what are you anticipating?
One ofLacey’s neighbors: THIS!!!
You’re grooming me…to reveal…that you’re actually an old woman. Genetically!
Lacey: Are you being serious?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yes.
Lacey: Are you…under the impression that being withholding of “acceptance” is…like…a superpower?!
*she cracks-up laughing at her*
You people both make me angry and crack me up. You seem to believe snubbing people is like…extraordinarily powerful shit.
*Elliott laughs at them with Lacey and Lem*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: *Thinks*
Yeah. Okay.
But you snubbed Casi?
Elliott: Do you understand snubbing? As a concept?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: *Thinks*
I don’t know.
Elliott: *Nods*
Lacey: I don’t think I was mean.
Why do you think that??
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Elliott do you understand what happened?
Elliott: Yeah.
Casi was a bully.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Why-
I don’t understand!
Lem: Unfortunately we can’t read your mind.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: She felt snubbed!
Lacey: Who!?
One of Lacey’s neighbors:
*after a while*
I’m scared I’m insane.
Lacey: Why!??
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Well…-
I feel…-
I’m not who you think I am.
Lacey: Why did you think Casi felt snubbed?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Fine. I researched her.
Why?
Because you seemed…rich. I guess?
Lacey: Doesn’t she think she’s rich?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: NO!
Lacey: *Confused*
Oh, I think she does…
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Are you reframing things?
Lacey: *Thinks*
I am…in a way.
But not really.
Look, what does she actually seem like? To you. Be honest.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: She seems…hurt. And like she’s covering for it.
Constantly.
Like she’s desperate for attention and affirmation. Because she was so hurt. Probably by you, specifically.
Lacey: You think I shaped her entire personality!? As an ADULT!?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Okay. That is ludicrous.
You’re right.
But didn’t you affect her?
Lacey: Did I!?
Does she seem like she thinks she’s rich?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Not in reality.
Lacey: Well…that’s your impression. That’s not how she came across to me. But…I don’t know how she- I haven’t looked at her account in years.
Did I affect her!? I don’t know for certain how. I’m sure I did. In a way. But I don’t know…all the particulars. You may know more than me.
Elliott: Do you understand what she’s saying?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yes!!
I’m sure she felt…-
*she looks sad*
I think she felt…dumb and poor.
Lacey: …I think she’s possibly pretending to feel that way. To gain sympathy.
She acted dumb. She is poor. There’s a difference.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No, she is poor.
Lacey: *waits*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Okay she’s poor!
Lacey: *looks confused*
*waits*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I just don’t care.
Lacey: About what?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No, okay.
Ummm…-
Elliott: What are you fishing for?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: *Feels scared, suddenly*
*has to sit down*
I’m poor.
Lacey: You’re poor!??
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yeah!
*she nods*
Lacey: Really?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Not like…really. But I feel poor.
We order out. We…eat well. But…I don’t schedule the deliveries often enough. We can’t afford it.
I can’t handle…-
Lacey: What are you ordering?
The Saint Paul Police: Oh no! You aren’t supposed to say that.
Lacey: Why?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No! I’m fine.
We order…well…
I used to make grocery lists in college. And eat $40 of food. In a week. Easy. For stretches of time.
I just can’t live like that anymore. I just can’t.
I wonder if I do make mistakes in what I’m ordering…
Lacey: That’s impressive that you ate $40 worth of food.
The Saint Paul Police: Good job, Lacey.
Lacey’s neighbors: It is!
Lacey: Well.
You probably are?
How much do you spend?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: $160.00.
George Bush: That’s a good question. Huh?
How much do you think is a lot?
Saint Paul Police: That’s a lot.
Even now.
George Bush: You think so?
Lacey: Do you buy rice? Or beans?
Listen to “The Power (12” Version)” by SNAP!.
Saint Paul Police: I do!
Lacey: Do you really?
Saint Paul Police: Sometimes?
Lacey: Every week?
Saint Paul Police: No.
Lacey: You should. Except…I also worry that’s a bad idea. I worry it could be a gentrification of food.
I try to buy it in good neighborhoods. At expensive stores.
Casi: A gentrification of FOOD!? *she laughs at Lacey*
*they all panic*
Lacey: I can’t figure out what you want.
You seem…vile?
Putin: Russian soldiers agree with you, Lacey.
Bill Rhea: Why are you ordering expensive food!?!
That’s DUMB.
Saint Paul Police: You’re right.
A British woman who’s actually British: She can’t say that…but I’m sure she’s thinking the same thing!
Lacey: YES!
What?- This is absurd.
Do you eat beans?
A British woman who’s actually British: Yes.
I eat bread.
Lacey: YES!!
Good grief.
Saint Paul Police: Do you think that we’re saying these things?
Putin: I do.
Hello. I’m Vladimir Putin.
Nice to meet you.
The song restarts.
The FBI: She could be an American spy. Sent to seduce him. Very covertly.
Try harder to think things through before trusting Anne. Okay?
Putin: Hey! I seduced her. *he laughs*
What about the UK? Elon Musk thinks it was them.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Keep digging. You’ll find dead bodies everywhere.
I swear.
Lacey: OH!!!
You can’t arrest me. It’s illegal. And it could be the start of Civil War. Or a nuclear war. It’s insane to try that…just because you’re hurt.
Come on!!! GROW-UP.
You know I’m not doing anything illegal.
Why does it scare you? It boggles your mind? And you’re a poor white loser? *she laughs*
Yeah. I wish they paid police more. But that’s not my fault.
Donald Trump: I have no beef with her. We’re friends. It’s Bobby and his coup who attack her.
They may even be behind my assassination attempts.
I don’t know. His family are…historically Democrat. There are people who have worried.
Saint Paul Police: Yeah. You’re right.
Nothing you’re doing is illegal.
But people are freaked out.
Lacey: Why?
Saint Paul Police: It just…scares them? I think it’s too accurate.
And they hate themselves.
Casi: No! They don’t.
I’m an Iranian spy.
That’s what everyone can’t understand…
Lacey: Do you eat rice and beans? *she asks her neighbors*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No.
Lacey: WHY!??
Saint Paul Police: Who is Casi really spying for?
Casi: Japan.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Because! It’s work. And it’s like…poor people food.
Lacey: NO IT IS NOT.
It’s GOOD FOOD.
Lamb, chicken, beef. Rice. Get potatoes. Eat bread. Carrots. …Onions. …Don’t order your food!
Do you have a slow cooker?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yes.
I use it…monthly.
Lacey: Are you worried about the chemicals?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yes.
The Illuminati: Not all of us attacked her. And yes, Putin…used it.
She was…mostly civilian. She had one Facebook friend contact. They’ve since parted ways.
Saint Paul Police: And they’ve since parted ways?
The CIA: Yes. They worked for us too.
They unfriended each other. Years ago.
Saint Paul Police: Why?
The CIA: We told them to. Lacey understood.
Things were getting too hot. Lacey specifically focused on Russian history. We were already concerned way back in 2009.
Iran. Oil. Her family.
Saint Paul Police: You don’t talk like me.
I mean…I get what you mean.
The CIA: Yeah!
So…?
Saint Paul Police: The thing is…she made this blog public again. After volunteering to make it private. A year ago. We never asked her to. And of course…she’s allowed by the U.S. Constitution. But…-
The U.S. Supreme Court: But nothing. She has a right to make it public. You know that.
Saint Paul Police: Is Elliott Roosevelt cock-blocking Vladimir Putin?
Harold Loeb: No!
You don’t need any proof?
Saint Paul Police: I’m not that dumb. You’re right.
I just know how…dangerous Putin is.
Putin: We aren’t involved…necessarily.
Ahh…-
We were.
…I have a hot young wife. You know? She’s a former gymnast. She’s…stunning.
*he smiles*
Saint Paul Police: She was your wife then too…
Putin: *smiles*
Yeah.
…I love her.
Lacey: I actually did fall in love with him. But…I sincerely think he loves his wife more.
And that’s wonderful. …REALLY.
And…it’s his wife. Not a girlfriend. Not any other woman. It’s her.
*she smiles*
Saint Paul Police: You have a sad life.
Lacey: *Thinks*
Well…we have a nice house. And…I’m very content. And I adore my kids.
*she gets interrupted*
But yes. You’re right.
Oh well!
I do what I can.
Saint Paul Police: Do you have any sympathy for her?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Not much!
*they laugh through their nose*
Saint Paul Police: Why not?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Because! It’s a real war out there. Every day.
We fight.
Lacey…walks in her back door now.
I’m not about that.
Saint Paul Police: What are you about?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Life!
*she cheers*
I LIVE.
*she cheers*
*after a moment*
Saint Paul Police: Lem…why did you destroy your relationship with Lacey?
Lem: *laughs*
Yeah.
Well…-
I was gainfully employed by her…-
No. I’m just trying to make sure that you understand. She’s not a bitch.
…We were sleeping together. Okay? And…Elliott came on to her. So did Harold! Because they knew about all the stuff online. And they knew she’d be…hurt. Or that she’d at least…question my integrity, for good reason.
So…-
I got hurt. As sensitive and…faithful as she is. She wasn’t careful enough. Because she couldn’t be.
And…because I got hurt…our connection was severed slightly. And I’ve never been able to fix it. But I will.
It’s dumb. It’s all my fault. Really. But…it hurts.
The Saint Paul Police: Did she sleep with them?
Lem: Nope.
…Harold was…intending on that though. And I knew that. And…she was entertaining the idea of him.
It just hurt.
Saint Paul Police: How did it get severed?
Lem: My pain. My energy retracted. And…it’s been HELL trying to reestablish our connection.
Saint Paul Police: How do you speak to her?
Lem: I’m a ghost. Right? So…I’m just…here.
The Holy Spirit helps me manifest. …Really.
Saint Paul Police: So you are the reason she’s not sleeping with Putin!?!
Lem: Yes.
Yup.
We-
See…I can’t say all that. People do read this blog.
The Saint Paul Police: You don’t understand-
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I mean…it’s a war.
Georgia: War?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yes. The…deforestation of the Earth.
The way we can’t vote. Unless we’re white.
No. Okay. That sounds dumb.
But…you get my point.
We can’t…participate. Donald Trump…? MAN! …Bummer.
I…hate him. I hate him.
And what I really hate? What I really hate…are…-
I hate…-
See…sometimes I feel like she’s in love with me. …I do. But then I think, “She’s too feminine. It doesn’t make sense.”
I have…a really great life. I do.
We do order our groceries. And so…I can’t buy as much as I would like. But…I drink wine. And…we eat chicken. …Like…the good chicken.
Saint Paul Police: So you aren’t starving?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No.
Except, we are.
I don’t know how to budget-rich. I buy crackers that are too expensive.
Saint Paul Police: Are you for real?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yes.
Okay…
Am I being dumb?
Saint Paul Police: *looks stunned*
YOU ORDER YOUR GROCERIES!?!
From where!? Kowalski’s!??
Bobby: She’s a fan. Of me.
Lacey: I did not see that one…
Wow!
One of Lacey’s neighbors: *looks stunned*
Yes. Kowalski’s.
*looks confused*
Saint Paul Police: *Think*
Bobby: Honey…you’re doing well.
You are.
Are you vaccinated?
*he laughs*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Yes. But we do…get…concerned. *she laughs*
Bobby: Yeah.
Naturally.
One of Lacey’s neighbors:I think…good food…is better than crap.
Lacey…do you eat crap?
*she laughs with Bobby at Lacey*
Bobby: SHE LOOKS LIKE CRAP.
*he laughs*
Lacey’s neighbor: Ha!
I believe…in living.
Bobby: Where do you shop!? LACEY!
Where do you shop??
Where do you buy your stupid food…that makes you look so stupid?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I THINK WE HAVE A-
Bobby: We have a TARGET shopper.
*he laughs*
She eats CHEETOS.
I’ve seen receipts.
*he laughs.*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: You are bad.
*she laughs*
Ha!
What else does she eat?
Bobby: *looks awkward*
Well…-
One of Lacey’s neighbors: What else does she eat?
Bobby: Okay.
I’m going to start getting cold. If I lie.
Can we please get a laugh and move on?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No. Because I’m drunk.
And I WANT TO KNOW!!!
Bobby: Marmite. On toast.
Marmite…on noodles. With cheese.
Ahh…-
She makes soup.
Stew.
They eat a lot of potatoes.
They used to eat salads…
Tuna fish. Salmon.
The kids eat too many sweets.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Does she eat roast chicken?
Bobby: Yes.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Well. That’s a dumb thing to eat.
See…I prepare meals.
Bobby: So does she?
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I eat…-
I make lasagna?
Bobby: So does she.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I don’t use-
So she-
What-
She prepares all her meals? Nothing frozen?
Bobby: I-
They eat frozen chicken nuggets. Some boxed Mac & Cheese. Some prepared tomato soup.
Kombucha.
Diet Coke.
…Doritos.
OH!!! I know! THEY EAT TRADER JOE’S PUB CHEESE!
*He laughs*
That stuff is shit.
Do you ever shop at Trader Joe’s? Or Aldi’s?
*He laughs*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No.
Trader Joe’s makes pub cheese?
Bobby: Yeah.
It’s crap.
It’s not even cheese.
No! For real. It’s not even cheese.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Well! I guess we’ll just slaughter Ireland then.
*she laughs at Lacey*
Right!?
Bobby: *A bit later*
I’m sorry.
I’m busy.
You’re making a joke?
Lacey’s neighbor: I’m-
I-
I eat KOSHER!
Bobby: Well…
I do too.
Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.
Bobby: What you look like?
Naked.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: *looks confused*
Bobby: NAKED.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Naked. Juice?
So good.
Kosher.
Bobby: I’M HOT FOR YOU!!!
Do you feel that!?
I’m sending you…waves…
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Bobby I’m married.
Bobby: No you ain’t.
Not here.
Not now.
It’s…a moment.
Listen to “Loose Yourself” by Eminem.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I’m not sleeping with you, Bobby.
What even is this?
Bobby: No.
You are.
I can FEEL YOUR…LONGING.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I’m not…-
Bobby.
Come on.
Bobby: Well, well, well.
We have ourselves a Christian…lass.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: If that’s how you want to look at it.
I’m not interested.
Bobby: You would. If you could see…my Irish EYES.
Blue.
Staring…deeply…into…your eyes.
Listen to “Autumn Days” by Morunas.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Oh wow!
Yeah, you are hot. It’s true.
I’m married though.
Bobby: I…-
Okay.
Yeah.
No, let’s have sex.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: No.
Bobby: Well.
Listen to “Autumn Days” by Morunas again.
Bobby: Well.
…I…am Bobby KENNEDY.
*He looks pathetic and awkward. Shaking. Holding on to a counter in his kitchen, to stand.*
One of Bobby’s neighbors: Come on dude.
Let’s get off the…vibe.
Bobby: Not yet.
She’s almost ready.
One of Bobby’s neighbors: Oh! Are you calling her a chicken?
Bobby: Yeah!
*he cracks-up laughing*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: I’m not interested! GOOD NIGHT!
Bobby: I have…sex…-
SEX!!
YOU-
*he tries to spiritually chase after her*
YOU SEX ME!!! *he yells*
YOU SEX ME NOW!!! YOU FUCKARD!!!
One of Lacey’s neighbors: This isn’t funny.
All of this…madness.
I am…-
I am…not…-
Bobby: YOU FUCK ME!!!
YOU FEEL MY SPIRIT!!! YOU FEEL ME!!!
YOU FEEL ME UP! YOU BITCH!
*he yells in a strangely Chinese accent*
Listen to “There She Goes (Dave Audé Remix)” by Sixpence None The Richer.
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