Category Archives: Journal

Satan: What was your ideal? *to Lacey*

Listen to “Pyramid Song” by Radiohead.

Lacey: I’m not sure it’s ever existed…

Satan: No! It dhas!

Think of the Renaissance. Royal families.

Lacey: Yes.

Satan: So, true love…

*later*

An elder Millennial: I feel like an idiot compared to you, Lacey. …And honestly, it feels…criminal. Like…actually criminal. But that’s insane.

Listen to “Just Another Day” by Jon Secada.

Satan: That’s Lacey. NOT LEM.

But she’s the woman.

That’s her soul. Or close to it.

…That’s just not him.

Chris: *Twerks in a wind machine, in his spirit, in 2007. Because he “feels her vibe”.*

This is not funny. *he says now, in 2026*

My mother is Italian. My father is English. And it’s true. I have a secretly passionate side, that is Mediterranean. I think I liked that part of Lacey.

I kinda like being…whatever this is.

Dimitry: Isn’t this just European!?

Chris: No! It’s not. *he laughs at himself, good-naturedly*

*then he cries because of how much he loves his current wife*

A man: You aren’t…weird, for wanting sex with your wife? *He says to Chris*

Chris: But…it’s- I should have been more careful with Lacey. I was…evil.

I lied to her. I was smart enough to know she wasn’t my wife, and I lied to her about it.

Satan: I love this too…

A 4:30

The song ends.

Listen to “O Mio Babbino Caro” by Puccini as performed by Sapfira.

The song ends.

Listen to “One Week” by Barenaked Ladies.

The song ends.

Lacey: So there is someone better for you? *she asks Satan*

Satan: Yes!

You are genuinely safe rejecting me.

Completely. Utterly. …In every sense-way.

Lacey: Good.

No loopholes.

Satan: Yes!!!

Lacey: But I don’t want to reject you. I want to just say it didn’t work…

Satan: *Thinks*

That’s too sad for most people…

Lacey: Why!?

Satan: Because they’re so desperate to make things work.

Lacey: Because they’re “doing a thing”?

Satan: YES! …Do you relate?

Lacey: No. …I always just show-up, follow orders…fulfill my purpose…and look forward to Heaven. Where I can finally let down my guard and have some fun.

Listen to “Symphony No. 40 in G Minor, Molto Allegro” by Mozart.

Satan: *laughs*

Aww!

*laughs*

*can’t stop laughing*

The Illuminati: I’m only just realizing right now that Casi can’t actually relate to Lacey. I mean…not in any important sense.

We had that all wrong…

A Catholic: Okay…but then what is this!?

Lacey: *Thinks*

Guiding and protecting my children.

Bringing God’s light-

A Catholic: All well and good. But that’s not what I mean.

So we can eat in Heaven?

Elliott: Yes.

A Catholic: Lacey…we are doing a thing.

Thank you so much dear…for Scotland. If there’s reincarnation.

Have we left you out of this, though?

Satan: Yes! You left her kids out too.

Another Catholic: Are there others?

Satan: Yes.

Some people just get left out of the whole.

The Illuminati: We didn’t know that.

The song ends.

Lou: That’s Old Money knowledge. You should have known that. But my generation completely screwed-up.

A professor: Okay. But what about The Misfits?

The Illuminati: Different thing. At least, to us.

I genuinely don’t think we’ve understood this…

Society is hanging together by a thread. *They say, in shock*

One of Lacey’s neighbors: Did the Boomers give us over-confidence? I mean…we are adults…but…- I wonder if they gave us all the impression that they had everything figured out…and understood…and under control.

Lem: That is how I said one of my most famous lines.

One of Lacey’s neighbors: It sounds so nice to have that much…perfection.

Lem: *thinks*

My ex is under the impression she’s…doing that? *he says to Satan* Becca Fuester? If there’s reincarnation? Huh…

Do you think she thinks that? *he says to Lacey*

Lacey: *Thinks*

No. I think she has a low self-esteem. I don’t think she’d believe she was…anywhere near perfection. Even if it was close.

Becca: *Cries, bitterly*

Carl Reiner: This is why my son stabbed me. …THIS! *he yells*

Is there reincarnation? Do we KNOW!??

We got WAY too careless.

Rob Reiner: Yes. I did. When I died.

Chris: Was my grandfather trying to warn me that she isn’t crazy?

The Illuminati: Probably…

One of Lacey’s neighbors: So…that is…how you said it? *she says to Lem*

Lem: Yes.

Another one of Lacey’s neighbors: We completely misinterpreted you.

Lem: YES. And no. People also intentionally did.

What I was saying was obtuse. I hadn’t yet processed that I was a real heterosexual. …I knew I was impersonating a homosexual…but I didn’t realize…that other homosexuals weren’t. They were just being…a walking advertisement for sex. Or something.

Why do you all act so loud? Is it just to get laid?

A gay man: We act like that to have sex. But also to identify ourselves. How did you know that, Satan?

Lem: I’m not Satan.

Why else do you do it? Because you’re nuts?

Chris’s wife: He’s not-

We were jerks to her.

*She laughs*

But I don’t think we even knew what we were doing.

*she laughs*

Satan: She does…have sex. *he laughs* You know?

One of Lacey’s neighbors: So that’s why she had to move back to Minnesota?

Amy Klobuchar: Yes.

One of Lacey’s neighbors: I feel bad for Lem. *she laughs*

He was trying to make a biting commentary on Gay Life, as we know it.

Lacey: *laughs with Lem*

Another of Lacey’s neighbors: Lem what was the comment?

Lem: *smiles*

You probably already know.

That…there’s absolutely nothing to gay lifestyles at all. They’re just…shallow, vain, insipid…hollow shells. An outer appearance of bliss and so-called freedom and independence from “society” but, in reality, they’re…dull, meaningless and pathetic. Actually, even worse. They’re DEAD inside. …I felt DEAD. Totally…dead.

One of Lacey’s neighbors: *laughs*

Wow…Lem.

*He laughs*

I have a feeling…you took a wrong turn.

*he laughs*

Lem: Oh really? *he jokes*

One of Lacey’s neighbors: We really can’t separate your appearance from your actual self.

Lem: You gave Lacey the impression, over the years, that none of you could ever make such a mistake. She genuinely has no clue.

It started with her mom, Becca. Becca…preached to Lacey her entire childhood about “the value of the inner self” as a real thing, totally separate from one’s appearance. And poor Lacey…got the impression that she was…an idiot for thinking people could ever get confused. …She thought, as a small girl, that people sometimes thought that people’s appearance was their…identity. But…Becca admonished her, intentionally or not. Making Lacey feel evil and stupid for thinking so poorly of other people.

God: And yet, ironically, she helped Lem. And actually, they’re distant cousins. From Tennessee. Or thereabouts.

A dead Seay: We were Protestants back in England. It started there.

So both Lacey and Lem…had inner…identities, noticeably.

Lacey’s dead British daughter: They’re really more dad’s family. You see? …But…they raised mom. They’re all the same people.

They’re an interesting family! Very Southern.

Mina, on behalf of “the crew”: Karrie…you’re non-binary.

Lacey: Don’t call me Karrie.

I’ve made that very clear.

And no, I’m not non-binary.

Bobby: Yes! She obviously is.

Peter Thiel: I know! Right?!? *he laughs with Bobby*

A gay man: Peter…do you care about real social acceptance at all? If you do, stop associating with such weirdos. Please.

A dead writer for SNL: “Mina”…what exactly is your involvement in this…group?

*Lacey laughs with the writer*

Mina: I’m…Asian.

A dead writer for SNL: What does that have to do with anything?

Mina: Asians are the superior people. We all secretly know that, and so do some dumb white people. Like Chris Hayes.

A dead writer for SNL: Is this a psyop for the Illuminati?

Lacey: Like controlled opposition?

A dead writer for SNL: Yes…

Lacey: Yes! But it’s controlled controlled opposition.

I’m controlling the control…on behalf of the British Empire. And on behalf of ancient Egypt. And ultimately on behalf of God.

1970’s SNL: Did you sleep with Satan.

Lacey: *stares at him*

1970’s SNL: Lacey! Did you sleep with Satan!??

Lacey: I don’t think so.

1970’s SNL: So you don’t know!?!?

Lacey: *maintaining her composure, as always*

I DON’T KNOW. *she says seriously*

1970’s SNL: Well Lacey, that’s not good.

Lacey: *still maintaining her composure*

*Blinks*

*can’t figure out what to say*

*takes a deep breath*

1970’s SNL: You seem…worried.

Lacey: Well…-

What is having sex…with Satan? You know? *she says quickly*

What is that…even? *she says more slowly*

1970’s SNL: OH DEAR GOD!!!!

Lacey: NO! Don’t say that!!!

1970’s SNL: Why!?!

Lacey: *Looks peculiar*

*frankly and honestly examines her own heart*

It’s just…let’s not bring him into this. …I’m working on my relationship with Jesus.

*she smiles, and drinks hot tea*

It’s all going to be fine.

*she smiles calmly, as always*

1970’s SNL: Your “personal relationship” with Jesus?

Lacey: *quickly* NO! No. NO, no, no.

I’m still very much a Christian.

It’s more my…association with…Jesus.

1970’s SNL: What an awkward relationship to have with Jesus!

Lacey: Oh no. No. *she smiles happily and placidly*

He’s a decent sort.

1970’s SNL: You sound like you’re…trying to help…a lot of people.

Lacey: *looks at him, grimly*

Are you implying I slept with Jesus!?

1970’s SNL: Yes!

Lacey: WHEN!?! *she says, sounding exhausted*

1970’s SNL: *laughs*

Well, I don’t know.

Lacey: *looks sad*

Neither do I…

1970’s SNL: HEY! Maybe you didn’t!!

Lacey: *looks hopeful*

*looks stunned*

Wouldn’t that be something!? *she says, with grief and melancholy*

1970’s SNL: Yes!

You’ve done a lot of…sleeping around…

Lacey: *just stares off, unfocused, at one distant spot in the ether, looking increasingly angry*

*later*

1970’s SNL: Can we be nice?

Lou:

I always have loved how you don’t take rejection seriously, as the person doing the rejecting. It’s very benevolent. You actually love people.

But…it’s not working anymore.

Listen to “Lento” from Piano Concerto No. 1 in C Minor by Dimitri Shostakovich.

Lacey: Yes. I think I thought I had it made. In some dark…sad…but…effective way. Where I could reject people…without them ever feeling rejected. Because they had rejected me.

Lou: *laughs*

Yeah.

We’re so good together.

*he smiles*

Lacey: You bring a lot of peace and stability into my life. I loved being with you.

It was very neat and tidy when you became…fascinated by your wife. It hurt a lot…but it’s a familiar hurt.

The song ends.

Listen to “Andante” by Shostakovich from his Piano Concerto No. 2 in F Major.

Lacey: This is one of my favorite songs…ever.

Lou: I KNOW.

*He thinks*

The song plays.

Satan: I remember.

Lacey: Oh no!

3:44

Satan: It’s okay. I’m not at all easy to hurt.

But you do have to hurt them. There’s no other way.

I’ll be better off without you, you know? I really will. *he smiles*

They don’t see it that way.

*he looks sad*

But there’s nothing you can do.

Lacey: Are you sure you’re not easy to hurt?

Satan: *Feels overwhelmed*

The song ends.

Lou: He stole my lines.

Do you understand?

Lacey: I’m still waiting for his response.

Lou, that will tell me a lot.

Lou: I can’t-

Lacey…you understand me. …My wives didn’t, enough. I understand you.

*he thinks*

It’s our ancestry, for one thing. But it’s also Minnesota. *he smiles fondly*

You don’t want to trash that. And I completely understand.

Lacey: It seems vile to me. It’s so precious. So rare.

Lou: It is.

But we aren’t together!

Lacey: That’s not right.

Lou: No. It’s not.

*he laughs*

Lacey: How do we perfect it? Because I’m sure God didn’t just throw it all away. That would be like…obliterating our souls.

Lou: *cries*

You’re right.

Lacey: It’s wrong.

Lou: *nods and cries*

Listen to “Jazz Suite No. 1: III. Foxtrot” by Shostakovich.

Lacey: You must win. You must be happy…somehow.

That’s just the nature of God.

Lou: *Smiles, with his eyes closed*

I can’t keep rejecting you, though. *He says, matter-of-factly*

Lacey: There’s some way to do it.

But what is it?

Lou: God reassures me that there is. I just asked him.

*he smiles*

We can be best friends.

Lacey: Of course you’d have to be best friends with Lem, in a way, too.

Lou: Yes.

But there are friendships in Heaven.

Lacey: I adore you. You know?

Lou: *nods and smiles*

I love you. *he says with quiet seriousness*

The song ends.

A Catholic: Are their soulmates!??

God: *smiles*

YES!!! Or something like it.

A lot of nuns and priests were incredibly sad and lonely in the fallen world, but then when they died and joined me, they found out the reason I didn’t want that as the ultimate best isn’t because I didn’t like sex. It’s because I didn’t want people to get hurt.

The Catholic Church has not fully understood that, I’m sorry. There’s nothing wrong with sex. I created you with a sexual body. That’s not part of The Fall. If you don’t understand that you don’t really understand romantic love, to be brutally honest.  There is something profoundly edifying about romantic love, it’s not dependent and stupid or meaningless. 

So I guess the sad news for you if you are an asexual or aromantic is that you’re not actually better than other people? Because I designed Heaven for people to have sex and be profoundly happy for eternity. You can be as innocent and holy and pure as an adult as you want in Heaven and still be incredibly happy with an adult sex life.

I think your current Pope has guessed that? Thank God. And the wonderful news then is that you don’t make any mistakes. It’s not that it’s impossible though which is why I said, “if you burn with desire”. So the idea is that if you feel passionate love for someone and it’s manifesting in your body in a holy way in your sexual nature, you should get married. It’s not the same thing as lust. It’s actual real desire and passion. People today don’t often enough understand the difference between lust and actual love. And yes, of course this connects to birth control and other issues.

Lacey is mad at me for a reason. She’s understood a lot of this for a while and she feels as though I created an absolute monstrosity. It’s because she cares about people and she wants to hold me accountable. It’s not that she’s trying to take me down. And she even understands that but she’s a woman, she’s alone in many ways and she’s willing to get angry at me with the understanding that she doesn’t really want to reject her salvation. She’s just very angry.

The hope is that unless if you really find that person, which is way too rare, even if it actually is possible… you won’t get connected to anybody in any sort of traumatizing hideous way. They won’t get hurt you won’t get hurt. You’ll just be hands-off and loving each other in Christ until Heaven and then when you get to Heaven, everything makes sense and you can just sort it out and be happy. Some people don’t have this innate understanding that she does and so they get confused and they can think that they found love when they haven’t and that was why I decided that I should have Jesus tell you that it’s best to just wait until Heaven. It’s to protect you from really getting in trouble.

That being said there are people like her and there are many of them. Who do actually fall in love. And over the centuries, it became almost impossible to convince people of my suggestion as a reasonable one.  It just seems too miserable and too lonely and too doubtful. 

So take heart in knowing that you’re making a long-term decision as a Catholic, when you choose to go into the clergy. You’re in a sense separating yourself from the fallen world and saying “I exist. I’m not dependent on this fallen mortal shell. I exist and I’m making a decision for myself, for my eternal being in Christ. To just take things slowly…and worship God…and wait until everything is so much safer, until I commit myself in that profound way.”. Married romantic love is good but what you have in that same capacity and Heaven is astounding.

God is a very wealthy God in the best sense. Poverty can be an aesthetic, or it can be suffering. Don’t confuse the two. Poverty can also be self discipline and contemplation. Be careful not to misunderstand it.

You were choosing to be poor as a Catholic as part of a hostile takeover of evil. You’re fighting evil by demanding that I provide for you through the power of the Cross. And it’s a strategy of redemption.

Suffice to say, you’re not alone for eternity.

*later*

Lem: OK so on that note, I’m what you call her twin flame. By myself, just me. I’m not a gay man.

*Later*

A woman who graduated from Messiah University: Why was Chris Dodds, from Pennsylvania…dating you?

Lacey: *Thinks*

Huh.

*Thinks*

I think he just…liked being admired? …I think he just mostly liked being admired.

A woman who graduated from Messiah University: By who?

Lacey: Me. …But also…everyone. …I think having a girlfriend made him feel…glamorous, as a man.

A woman who graduated from Messiah University: So he’s a jerk?

Lacey: It depends on how you look at it.

Another woman from Messiah University: What was he like in bed?

Lacey: We never…-

He wanted to…not.

I think, to be honest, he didn’t want to get attached to me. Because he wanted to dump me. And he knew if we actually slept together he’d probably get too…emotional? Or something?

…But he pretended like it was me. And okay…it was. I did want to save myself for marriage. But…I think it was also him. …I mean, I know it was him, but…I think on a certain level he knew that.

A woman from Messiah University: So he really damaged you?

Chris: I mean, yeah. I think so.

God: It’s SICK how proud you all are. But do you even know what you did?!?

Iraq: MISSION…ACCOMPLISHED!

*they laugh riotously with Lacey*

*Later*

Robin: I think you got fucked.

*she laughs*

Lacey: *laughs*

Are you trying to be funny?

Robin: *looks worried*

I can’t believe someone just intuited that…

Chris: Well…-

*scoffs, haughtily*

Listen to “Sailing to Nowhere” by Broken Bells.

Robin: Was it good for you?

Lacey: No.

I prefer drinking water. I prefer the sensation of drinking ice water.

You couldn’t pay me to “sleep with him” again.

Robin: I understand your frustration.

Lacey: What do these dumbasses think sex is!?

It’s disgusting.

*Later*

Chris: I didn’t realize it was quite that bad.

Lacey: I hope you and your wife have much better sex?

Chris: Yes.

That’s why I married her.

Lacey: Good!

*smiles sweetly*

Robin: Have you slept with anyone else, Chris?

Chris: No.

Robin: Has your wife?

Chris: Yes.

Robin: You assumed that’s what was wrong with Lacey? Her virginity?

Chris: Yes! DUH!!

*he laughs, and sucks his two front ugly, oversized teeth*

Robin: Are you better or worse than the last dude she slept with?

Satan: He’s awful..in certain ways. Like…hideous. …But…he doesn’t know that.

*he smiles*

Is he better overall? Hmm. …Maybe?

They’re still married…

*he shrugs*

Marsie: Why did you date him? *She asks Lacey*

Lacey: It’s horrific.

Casi: Nah. I can handle it.

*she laughs*

What happened?

Lacey: I was raised…in Purity Culture. And John Eldredge culture.

I was…waiting for the man…to ask me out. …And in the 1950’s way I needed. Because that’s how I’m made. …And they just never did.

So I’d ask them out. …And it made absolutely no sense.

And then I’d walk…wrap my horribly wounded heart…and completely get over them. And they’d…suddenly want to sleep with me. All smiles. Or they’d start staring at me…oddly. …And I’d think, “Okay. Well. You had your chance. Fuck you!”

Casi: I can tell you look a shocking amount like Scotia in person. They had to have been attracted.

Lacey: YES!!!

Oh, absolutely.

But I didn’t know that.

*she looks sad*

Long story short, they “wanted sex” but not a relationship. …And I couldn’t figure that out.

Casi: What did you think was going on?

Lacey: I assumed they just…didn’t find me attractive. *she shrugs*

And then some older man…would…throw himself at me. In a very particular way. And I’d think, “No. I have to be attractive. This is weird.”

Casi: You’re so…clear…and pretty.

Lacey: Yes!

Casi: I am not you.

Okay. …What happened?

Lacey: They wanted sex. Almost all the guys I asked out just wanted sex. …And they’d keep eyeing me. And giving off signals? And so I’d formally ask them out, thinking they were shy. …No! …Well, maybe they were shy. But…-

*exhales*

Casi: What kind of signals?

Lacey: Staring longingly into my eyes. Breathing heavy. Smiling without…control. As they did all this.

Casi: Why didn’t you just fuck them?

Lacey: *Thinks*

1. You’re not supposed to.
2. I didn’t want to that badly.

But mostly, because you’re not supposed to.

Chris Dodds: I’LL SUE YOU!!! YOU MEAN, CRUEL…BITCH!!!

I cheated with my wife because she offered to let me fuck her in the ass. I was helpless.

YOU SCUM!

A reader: Didn’t you lie to Lacey?

Chris Dodds: I am allowed.

Its logic.

Use your logic.

Geez.

This is spurious (he spits as he talks, just a tiny bit). I am A KING in the bedroom. And I can prove it court.

*he cries*

A male reader: How tall are you?

Chris: You are entrapping me. I am sad!!

I feel entrapped.

*he fumes*

I am so damn sexy!! IT IS ILLEGAL.

*he fumes*

Another male Millennial reader: How tall are you?

Chris: Under six feet. Of course.

Another male Millennial: Do you have a lisp?

Chris: *smirks*

I used to.

*thinks*

Are you hotter than my mom now? *he asks Lacey*

Lacey: I always was. …Yes, I’m better looking than her.

…You didn’t realize that. Did you?

A man in Belgium: So you had an unusually good-looking mom. And that’s why you felt comfortable asking her out?

Chris: *mutters to himself, enraged*

FUCK YOU ALL! I am…a very important man. Very important.

*he weeps*

Listen to “Zombie” by The Cranberries.