On Marriage

My husband and I are approaching our 10 year anniversary. We’re still technically married but we separated a few months back for good (almost definitely) and it feels permanent this time. I’m not sure if we’ll ever divorce or not. To be honest he doesn’t want to. I’ve wanted to but then I’m convinced not to and this time I’m just “letting go of it” in a way that works… Let me explain.

First, the thing is we are actual close friends and we have two kids together. We really do love each other deeply as people.

My “husband” started our relationship telling me that he was going to sleep with other women and that I’d just have to deal with that, but that he’d not lie about it and he wanted to keep seeing me. Eventually he started to fall in love, I got tired of sharing him, especially with women who hated and attacked me passively and otherwise and so told him I’d stop seeing him if he didn’t become totally monogamous. He was shocked, but he agreed.

Eventually he lost interest in anyone else and we got married because I thought we were deeply in love and could work everything out that still troubled us over time. Turns out we didn’t quite match. I was deeply in love and he was in love.

He loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone else but it’s always been a bit one-sided in the sense that my love for him was more than I’ve loved anyone else and I’ve actually loved other men whereas he’s never loved another woman. He doesn’t fall in love easily. At all. He used to be even a bit cutthroat about it…

I think sex and romance are impossible to separate. I know plenty of people who would disagree with me but I think they’re together and while some might not experience them both that doesn’t mean they objectively are separate. Some people don’t experience every aspect of a situation and that doesn’t mean those aspects don’t exist.

My husband’s years of being a playboy with lots of partners and his honesty with me about those experiences is part of what led me to the above understanding. It was once his dream to be a writer like Tucker Max as he admired him. He even met him once and got his autograph. But despite what you might think my “husband” would not disagree with the previous paragraph.

Anyway, we’re friends. Real friends. And maybe someday I’ll remarry. Maybe someday my “husband” will. Neither of us are in a hurry as we have kids to raise together and we’re both hesitant for our own different reasons.

When we die, hopefully many decades from now, we both suspect we’ll be more like best friends or like siblings than anything else. I hope we’ll both meet our soulmates in the afterlife…if we don’t miraculously find them while we’re alive. Loving my “husband” the way I do I might even try to help him find this woman. Without jealousy (honestly) I have to say she better deserve him.

…But yeah. It’s a Millenial relationship. Some Millenials don’t get married for a myriad of reasons but are in love. It’s common. We’re married but not together. Haha. We support each other. We care for each other. We’re legally married and it didn’t start out this way but…it’s evolved into this finally. I can’t say it’s the life I wanted or want at all in regard to a relationship romantically but it’s what works right now. And unlike certain previous generations I will not name I’m not going to presume my kids won’t be affected if we divorce (some people of previous generations do seem to know this too though).

Anyway…that’s all. That’s it.

RH

My mother has an art degree and has traveled the world. She is very bright and quite astute and is naturally talented at interior design, but being from an area of the US that has a sub-culture that highly despises “pretension” even among its elite she pretends to be much more ignorant than she is.

Yes. It’s Mother’s Day and that’s my opening paragraph.

When I talked with her today she wanted gush and tell me all about a “new” (bourgeois) store she recently visited that she called “RH”. She’s been to Restoration Hardware before. I humored her.

The thing is it gets old. People who had parents who sent them to the Middle East on vacation in the 1970’s after finishing an art degree aren’t “down home” the way some people are. But most of her family very much sees themselves that way and internalizes the idea that to appear otherwise openly (you can be subversive about it) is slightly evil. Certainly not good. It’s a family culture rooted in Scandinavian and pioneer ruggedness that has its finer more admirable moments and there is a real, endearing humility to it but it’s hard to maintain that façade constantly. Unless you’re invested in it. I never have been.

After being in a bubble until my mid 20’s I slowly began to realize how other people would perceive her family. I also began to realize how being raised in her family had affected me and how I presented myself.

Some are intimidated by her family because they feel beaten at their own “I hate pretension” game by people who could be rightfully “pretentious”. But I can’t stand that dynamic. Other people (mostly from larger coastal cities or who have been influenced by US coastal thought) see them foolishly as “country folk”. To that I just shrug my shoulders. Whatever. They are country in a way. Other people… Well…maybe that’s about it. There are almost no other views. We’re not a world that easily tolerates diversity of thought anymore.

Yet, I’m not like them, for better or worse, and they’ve never been particularly pleased by that. I have a few people I keep in touch with but most people are and always have been suspicious of my lack of an accent, genuine, proud and open interest in the opera and innate “feisty” and “intense” personality. “Maybe she’s like so and so.” (Someone with an anger problem or who was seen as difficult or bossy.)

It’s been an unpleasant Mother’s Day so far. I’m glad I’m alive as a mom. We all just lived through a pandemic. A lot of kids lost their damn moms… It’s vile. I feel incredibly fortunate I’m not watching my kids from the other side. But…it’s been challenging. A lot of people are rude and self-focused these days (not just parents) and if you’re like that back to them they often only see their own side. How can someone who’s privileged be so unaware of their privilege even if they’re mostly bullied by asshats most of their life who have psychological issues? I mean! Wow. It’s so weird right? It’s my job to make ALL of YOU feel good. Constantly! Right?!

Eww. Look for the quiet, “timid” and pretty one who seems unaware of it and crap on her with all your problems or issues in whatever way you feel entitled to (sometime by an imaginary God different than the one who cares about me too) until you feel high as a kite.

If it feels good do it! Right?! Perfect logic.

Yes, my blog did just get dark. Oh well.

Next year, like my birthday for the past 27 years, I’ll just forget Mother’s Day exists in my life. Not because my kids aren’t amazing. They are. They are amazing. But because everyone else (not my kids) I know well (other than maybe a previous few people) makes it difficult to celebrate.

And that’s my mommy blogger moment. Now back to prettier things…