Keen to Cross the Pond

Eric channels people’s reactions.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Do you hate Dolly and Gloria?

Gloria: NO!

Of course she doesn’t hate us.

Eric is channeling me. I’m not being attacked.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: But you sound like you’re being attacked?

Gloria: Are you really that stubborn?

Yes!

I did a lot of harm.

You may admire me, but GET A CLUE! …You really think I was that innocent? That angelic!?

No. I did a lot of evil. And I am actually suffering.

Your idea of God and evil is delusional.

Evil is real. The afterlife isn’t a joke. People do pay for their mistakes.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: I hate her.

Gloria: Why? Are you jealous?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yeah?

Gloria: Then I think you’re talking to yourself too much about her and taking yourself way too seriously.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Why did you hate her? I don’t get it.

Gloria: Are you holding on to your seat?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yes.

Gloria: Okay…-

I was into witchcraft.

*She pauses.*

And Lacey really is…Tom Banks’s daughter.

*She pauses.*

He ran the state of Minnesota, from behind closed doors. He was a very important man. Maybe you don’t understand that. But he was. Extremely important!

That’s HER FATHER. …That’s her father.

I didn’t know her. I didn’t know of her specifically. However…I knew of women like her. And…I’m a very smart woman. I’m a very strategic thinker.

…I-I was spiritually on her case…without even knowing who she was.

Why? Well…because she’s their ideal.

Do you know who I mean?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Oh no.

WHO!?

Gloria: Men like Tucker Carlson. Vladimir Putin.

She’s honestly their real ideal.

And, stupidly, I assumed it was…something to hold her accountable for.

And she’s very mad at me for that. And I don’t blame her.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Are you secretly backward?

Gloria Steinem: YES!

Isn’t that funny?

I was.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yeah. You can’t make her a lesbian.

I’m stuck being bisexual.

Did you not fully understand that???

Lem: I understood that. It’s why I tried to be gay. It’s why I acted gay. I believed I was stuck being a homosexual.

It’s my father’s medical background. I used to ask him lots of scientific questions.

Gloria: Yeah…-

See…I was stupid.

I-

I secretly did think it was somewhat of a choice.

*She shrugs.*

A reader of Lacey’s blog: How could you think that!?

Gloria: Well…that’s just how I was raised.

I was 92.

A lot of people in my generation weren’t so…scientific. I guess.

Sorry.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Lacey, this is shocking.

This blog is SHOCKING.

Somehow, being so heterosexual, I think you’ve missed that social cue.

Yeah, we have- YOU ARE SHOCKING US.

Lem: I’m shocking?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: Are you really gay?

Lem: What do you mean?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: I’m trying to be funny.

Lem: Oh! Well. No, I’m not gay.

Never was.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Laughs.*

*Thinks.*

*Nods.*

YEAH!

*She thinks.*

So you really used to sit around crying? While watching “I Love Lucy”?!

Lem: Yes!

A reader of Lacey’s blog: See…you’re real.

You’re the real Lem Billings.

And actually…when I stop to think about it…you being this way makes complete sense-

A gay man: YES! It does!!!!

A reader of Lacey’s blog: But it means you’re real. And to be honest, I’m spoiled. I’m used to thinking of celebrities as…different.

But you’re real.

Gloria…I’ve been reading this blog. For a while. Why were you blocking this conversation!?

Gloria: It made sense to me. I thought it was for the best.

No, Lacey’s fine. She’s stuck being with men. And actually, *She shrugs* being dead has given me a new perspective on men. Yes! It has.

…Why wouldn’t they love her? She’s really just being herself. And that’s why it’s an actual male ideal.

The problem isn’t her. The problem isn’t men who idealize her, per se. The problem is that her type was used by evil-hearted men, to inflict harm on women.

And it’s actually quite tragic.

I had an inkling of that…as I aged…but…old dogs don’t learn new tricks, I guess. And I wanted to think the worst of what she has. I just couldn’t believe it was a good as it actually is. As objectively good.

Yes. An absolutely real, objective truthful goodness.

A reader of Lacey’s blog: I had hoped she was bisexual.

Gloria: What if she was? And she married a hot young woman with money, her age?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Thinking*

Gloria: Or a rich intellectual type?

A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Thinking*

Gloria: Be careful.

Part of why I couldn’t handle her…was jealousy.

Be wise.

Lem: Did you ever wonder if I had a wife?

Gloria: Yeah.

I did.

In my subconscious.

Lem: Was that part of why you targeted Lacey?

Gloria: Yes.

We are spiritual beings.

*Later.*

Lem: Gloria, why me? Why bother about me?

Gloria: Because you were gay.

I mean…okay you weren’t. But…-

DAMMIT.

God: Why does that matter so much?

Gloria: *She thinks.*

Because he’s not Lem then. He’s not the man we thought we knew.

I loved that character. He was strong. Like me. Determined. Defiant.

Lem: That’s LACEY.

Gloria: Yeah…but…- Lacey’s a sexy as hell woman.

Lacey could seduce Elliott Roosevelt.

You…are…attractive. You’re a damn attractive man, Lem. Okay! Fine. But…she’s- And I don’t relate to her.

Lacey, I don’t think you get it. You’re HOT. And I don’t relate. Sweetie, I’m attractive, but I can’t relate.

I get being Lem. I get that…experience. Or at least more than being you.

I loved “Lem”.

Lem: But I’m an abused pushover.

Why is that admirable? Especially to a feminist?

Gloria: *Thinks*

Because you’re…so…loving.

Lem: Not to myself.

And actually not even to him, in reality.

Gloria: Yeah.

I’m not entirely honest. Or I wasn’t.

I was pseudo intellectual at times. I didn’t think it through. I loved the idea of a totally loving, caring, tragic hero. Who gave himself totally, in love. Never looking back and yet finding so much happiness…

Lem: Happiness in what!? Happiness in what, Gloria?

Gloria: In bed?

Lem: *Nods.*

How does that make any sense?

Gloria: Because sex isn’t about emotion?

Lem: Is that what you really thought? That it was this…totally separate thing?

Gloria: I fell for the bullshit.

Yes.

I was dumb enough to honestly believe that.

It never occurred to me that that made absolutely no sense at all.

Lem: *Nods*

See…Lacey and I think like doctors. We know that it’s physically impossible for sex not to be intrinsically emotional. Deeply emotional, actually.

There’s no human way it can’t be.

How, as smart as you are, did you fall for that?

Gloria: I feel dumb.

Because men told me so!

*She throws her hands up in exasperation.*

Because men told me so!

Do you know how many men insisted it was “nothing”!?

Lem…why did you excuse Jack!?

Lem: Because it’s sex.

As much as I pretended to be gay, I had a strong desire for women. And…I made an assumption that all men were just like that. That they all had this…crazy desire for sex. With women.

And I knew…women weren’t…quite the same. Or I assumed that.

So…yes. It’s emotional. But…men want it more. They just do.

And if a woman wants to risk being hurt…because she’s a slob? Fine. Women don’t always have a good conscience. Sometimes they drink too much. …I assumed the women who he slept with Jack were all like that. And they actually often were. Women who were…questionable.

The ones who weren’t? They bothered me. And actually, they’re part of the reason I secretly hated him.

Gloria: Did you have a crush on Jackie?

Lem: Yes. Not a huge crush, but yes.

Gloria: What about Jack’s feelings?

Lem: Jack was a jerk.

I figured that out by the second or third month of knowing him.

And I liked how crass I could be around him. He didn’t freak out, easily.

But…he posed the photos of my butt. He told me to pose like that. And it actually made me feel uncomfortable. But I was tough, and I was crass sometimes.

…I didn’t think he was normal.

I thought I was going to help him. Reform him. Work as a sort of conscience for him.

I wasn’t. But…I imagined I might be able to help him.

Gloria: You are depicted that way, and yet you’re also not.

What would have been a typical night?

Had Lacey been there.

Lem: I’ve talked about this.

At length.

Why would telling you now be helpful?

Gloria: Well, I’m more aware now.

Lem: Yeah.

But we’re tired of explaining.

And being misunderstood and mocked.

Gloria: So…you know Joe is cheating?

Joe Junior?

Lem: Yes.

Well…he’d have at least cut back for Lacey. Some.

I’m sure there would have been a few women who he’d have stood-up or stopped contacting. Maybe four.

But he’d have kept one or two.

Pat Wilson being one of them, at least eventually.

Gloria: So she’s at a party. As his fiancée. At Cape Cod.

What year,

Lem: 1952.

Gloria: Okay!

And you’re there.

Of course.

Lem: Yeah.

Gloria: And you have such an innate innocence. With those glasses. And your dorky expression.

Do you start talking to her or does she start talking to you?

Lem: I start talking to her. Over a cocktail I make for her, pretending that I really know bartending. To impress her.

We get along well.

Jack and Joe find it highly advantageous.

They even encourage it.

Gloria: Wow.

I’m an idiot…

I’m an IDIOT in this story.

But it’s real.

Go on!

Lem: Yeah.

But it’s not about you.

Gloria: *Thinks.*

So then what?

Lem: So then we get to talking.

And around 10 PM…after Joe starts flirting with thee Katharine Hepburn…Lacey gets too hurt.

So…she starts studying me. Wondering what I look like without my glasses.

And when Joe takes off with Katharine to the beach with a group of friends, she decides to take matters into her own hands. She kisses me. And I love the idea.

Gloria: That’s not what we thought.

But that’s who you actually were and are.

Lem: And so that’s what’s real, Gloria.

September 3rd, 2026

Dear All,

My kids are downstairs watching the episode of “I Love Lucy” when they move to the country. Lacey just made them macaroni and cheese from scratch, as per usual. She’s a wonderful mother. I’m incredibly proud of her.

I used to watch that show. And almost every time I did, I was incredibly depressed. Lacey has intuited that before but now she can hear the truth. Every other time it been nearly impossible.

I used to watch “I Love Lucy” and feel despair. Because I hated my life. I wanted a wife and a family of my own. I wanted a life of my own, period. But, I honestly believed I was too diseased to ever be that fortunate. Being Jack Kennedy’s “best friend” was the best I thought I could do, without compromising my personal ethics. I devoted my life to him, because I wanted a purpose and a meaning as a person, as a man. Not because I truly ever loved him. Well, I tried to love him as a friend, but unsuccessfully.

No, that was my sense of honor. To be a decent man you’d never do that to a woman, certainly not any woman I’d ever want to marry. No, those sort of…dream girls, would definitely not deserve a “fag” for a husband. So I stayed far away from women who would tempt me to do something deplorable. And yes, I tried to seem gay, so as to warn people. So as to live.

Of course, it doesn’t make any sense to you. Or does it?

By the time I was in my 60’s I had given-up. I no longer was such an idealist. And, many a time I regretted not being married. I reasoned that idealism only gets you so far in life and sometimes, well, you just have to be willing to accept that life is cruel.

But up until then I really did try to be happy. I tried to fall in love with Jack many times. And each time I was disgusted by him, because he was a man, first and really entirely, but also because I was constantly hurt by him. He was a very abusive person. Why include that second part? The first reason is enough. Well, because I know you don’t believe I was straight. Not yet. And I want you to see that it was impossible, regardless. He was such a mean person. Really.

Anyway, I wasn’t happy. And every time I watched that show, “I Love Lucy” I’d actually feel like crying. Sometimes I did!

I often watched it alone. Drunk on beer. Wishing I had a wife myself. Some crazy dame.

Lacey loves that show. How ironic.

I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be in love Jack. I told myself I did. I told myself I was happy. But I wasn’t.

And as I aged I became a bitter, cruel…depressed jerk.

You know, part of what people can’t understand is why I’d have made an exception for Lacey. If I was so determined not to harm a woman. Maybe Dolly couldn’t believe a person could be so dedicated, sexually. But you can be! You can be faithful. You can choose to be faithful. You can choose to live the way I did, if you feel that you’d ruin a woman’s life if you married her. Many people were that disciplined back then. I guess people today would be surprised?

So why would I make an exception for Lacey? If I was so determined? Well, because she’s capable of loving me. And I’m extremely intelligent. And I can tell. I can tell she’s capable of loving me, deeply. Needing me, even. Truly needing me.

Remember that episode of “Mad Men” when Don Draper has the affair with his neighbor? And he has her say, “I want you, and nothing else will do.”? Yeah, that’s what I mean. And I think I find her genuinely irresistible.

People think I found Jack attractive and found Jack irresistible. I did not. I’m sorry. That’s his story. That was always his interpretation of what happened between us. That’s his family’s story. That’s not, however, what actually happened. At all.

I believed I was gay. He was gay, but deeply in denial about it.

We met and I had some idea he could be my boyfriend. It’s true! And that’s why people think I came on to him and told him I was attracted to him. But there’s the story, and the truth. And the truth is that I did not actually find him attractive. I simply wasn’t attracted to men. What I did think was that he was great fun! And, this is where Lacey starts laughing, part of the reason why he was such fun is because he was attracted TO ME. I repeat: He was attracted to me. Jack Kennedy was nice to me because he wanted something from me, sexually. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, U.S. President, was so much fun for me, Kirk LeMoyne Billings, to be around, because he found me attractive.

At the time I didn’t realize that Jack was being so nice to me because he wanted to use me, sexually. But that was why. And he was incredibly nice. Incredibly thoughtful. At first.

Actually as long as I “put out” he was at least fairly tolerable and he was one to keep me from being completely out of sorts because he knew it was a good long-term sexual solution. He knew how to keep likable people on staff.

No, I tried to “have a relationship” as people say, with Jack. That’s what happened. I didn’t physically come on to him. Because that’s not how I felt. I expected to enjoy it, and I experimented with homosexuality. But I wasn’t really interested in it. So I didn’t ever instigate anything physically between us.

Jack, however, did. Every time. Yes, every single time. I may have, to try to make a gay relationship. But it would have taken me time. Because I had no gay sexual desires. Jack wanted it, and he was aggressive. And I went along with it, because he wanted it and I wanted to be happy. And actually, because he was so aggressive and yet closeted I didn’t have to worry about my lack of real interest. I was always his best bet, because I didn’t have any real feelings. He could string me along and cheat and I didn’t care at all. More power to him! He could be entirely focused on his physical pleasure alone and I didn’t care. I preferred that, I discovered. Much preferred it. And he didn’t see anything wrong with that because he was an ignorant, stupid, arrogant narcissistic twat.

Yeah. He used me. And didn’t care, because it was a hundred years ago and I didn’t know any better. And I meant well.

Did I use him? Yeah. I did. I used him for social connections, money, travel. But it wasn’t like what you think. I wasn’t some jaded, heartless guy. I didn’t set out to use him in that way. What happened was he trapped me. Yes, he trapped me. His whole family did. And because I was sacred out of my mind that they’d harm my family, I decided to make the best of it and get as much as I could get. And that was fun and all up until about the early 1950’s. Because I did want a life of my own. And helping them was already getting old by then. You’d think it would have been the opposite, but I actually wasn’t as amused by the idea of him being US President as you’d think.

Look, his dad was Ambassador to Great Britain. Kick had married British aristocracy. Being U.S. President was a cinch, I felt. It was certainly exciting and impressive, but after all that other stuff? Who cares? And I wanted my own life.

I wanted to be something. I wanted to be impressive, for a change.

He’d taunt me about “getting pussy” often. Not just the few times he wrote it in a letter. He harassed me about that often. And it hurt. I did want a wife. I just was too principled to harm someone that way.

Yes, I was principled. You’d be surprised.

And after he died I wanted to die too. Because I felt like my life was a worthless piece of shit. I felt I was a worthless piece of useless shit.

See, my drinking problem started before he died. So did my depression. Historians miss that.

It got worse because I had nothing else to live for. But not because I was deeply in love with him. Because he’s all I had at that point. I had completely ruined my life.

Anyway, I was actually a straight man. I was an unusual person, but I was actually heterosexual.

And yes, Lacey is actually Tom Banks’s daughter. Her misery torments him, and he’s happy to be tormented.

And yes, she could have easily married Elliott Roosevelt or Joe Kennedy Junior. Or even Lou, or Harold or Micheal. If you look into it, all of those men make complete historical sense. Completely. But she’d have been my wife, unless I really destroyed myself.

Could I have stolen her from Joe? Yes! And ironically, that’s not what made anyone angry. People have been so focused on my supposed relationship with Jack, that they assume it’s a moot point. But it’s not!

Would Pat Wilson have been sneaky and desperate enough to use me? Yes.

And that’s where I’ll leave it for now. Because it makes my Lacey smile.

Lem