Keen to Cross the Pond

“I was in love with you.” Maggie admits to Lacey. “As much as a homosexual can be.”

I Love You Honey by Patsy Cline plays.

“You are VERY sexually frustrating.” says Maggie Lake to Lacey.

“She’s not to me.” says Lem. “NOT REALLY. Because we make love.”

The song ends.

Walkin’ After Midnight by Patsy Cline plays.

“Hold on! What THE FUCK…ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!” Lacey says to Maggie.

If I Could Only Stay Asleep by Patsy Cline.

“Umm…I’m in love with you?” says Maggie.

“SO!?!?” says Lacey.

“So…I’m not your friend.” says Maggie.

“Then what the hell…were we doing playing golf?” asks Lacey.

“NO! That’s lesbian.” says Maggie

The Wayward Wind Patsy Cline plays.

“WHY!? It’s golf!” says Lacey.

“YES! GOLF!!” says Maggie.

“GOLF!! Maggie!! GOLF.” says Lacey.

“It’s a sport.” says Maggie.

“Yes!! …It’s golf! It’s a wonderful sport.” says Lacey.

“No! It’s a lesbian sport!” says Maggie.

The song ends.

Return to Sender by Elvis Presley plays.

“I love golf!!!” says Lem.

“I do too!” says Queen Elizabeth I.

“Yes. …WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!” Lacey says to Queen Elizabeth I and Lem and then to Maggie

The song ends.

“Actually a lot of people would assume we are talking about sex. Or something. But…I’m actually just talking about golf.” says Maggie.

“No. You’re not. But LACEY IS. …Maggie you’re a jackass!” says Lem to Maggie.

“Why the hell is golf lesbian?” asks Lacey.

“You didn’t think golf was lesbian?” asks Maggie.

“NO! …Some things are just…what they are.” says Lacey. “Golf is golf.”

“Lacey you also like hiking.” says a bisexual hiker.

“YES! You CANNOT STEAL THAT FROM YOU WORTHLESS DIKES…IF THAT’S ALL YOU ARE!!!! YOU PSYCHOPATHS!!??” yells Lacey.

She’s A Lady by Tom Jones plays.

“I am not an evil person, necessarily.” says a hiking bisexual woman.

“THEN WHAT IS THIS ABOUT!?!?” screams Lacey.

“They’re mindless fascists.” says Donald Trump.

“Oh. Okay.

That’s cool that you hike.” says a bisexual to Lacey. She cringes as she hears herself say it, as it’s so fascist and condescending it’s gross.

“I’m starting to wonder what the hell you people actually are all about! Why can’t you let people enjoy things!? Why do you have to keep making stuff mean something like oatmilk. What the fuck is that all about!?” asks a liberal Millennial woman.

“No that’s crazy! You’re right.” says a bisexual female hiker. “I think it’s that I’m a bisexual, female hiker so it’s like it means something sometimes but then other times it doesn’t.” 

“To me ultimately I decided for whatever reason that the golf that we were playing was just golf. I’m not entirely sure why I decided that but I think I just decided it was just golf, or to be honest with you- To be honest with you I was also possibly trying to give you Conversion Therapy.” says Lacey.

“You were trying to perform Conversion Therapy on me?” says Maggie Lake.

“Yes, yes, I actually genuinely was trying to do a sort of quasi-Conversion Therapy just in case if it worked. I wasn’t sure if it would but that was my thought. I was going to out myself to myself, find out that I was homosexual, perform Conversion Therapy on you…or I guess just play golf.” says Lacey.

“So you were going to realize that you were attracted to me at some point or you were going to perform Conversion Therapy? Well that’s intriguing. Where did you learn about Conversion Therapy from?” says Maggie.

“My father is gay Maggie and he came out when I was in high school. …So my father who raised me is gay. He’s homosexual and so he came out in high school- No I was in high school is what I mean…and he went to therapy Christian therapy and part of his therapy was Conversion Therapy. They put him through Conversion Therapy and he had all these books that he was supposed to read and he was he was a pedophile and so he had me well not read them but I had to hear about all of his therapy methods. I-I-I found out what he was doing in therapy. And it was disturbing that I knew all that, it is disturbing, but I learned a lot about Conversion Therapy and I think I thought I was going to try my hand at it just to see if I could help you. You know help you with your drug problem, help you with your homosexuality and whatever else was wrong with you. I was going to try to fix you a little bit…just to see if I could do anything of any use.” says Lacey.

“Well that’s not what happened.” says Maggie.

“What do you mean that’s not what happened! That is what happened! That is reality, you psychotic weirdo.” says Lacey.

“You remind me of an idiotic bitch, who is trying to accuse her of being a witch. No, you watch yourself you little fuckard!” yells Arthur Miller at Maggie Lake.

“You’re prettier than me, you’re in a better class and I mean you’re smarter than me and you’re probably a better person. And I hate that!” says Maggie Lake to Lacey.

“Well I’m telling you what happened from my side of things. What did you think was happening?” says Lacey.

“Maggie what did she to on you to perform Conversion Therapy? Maggie what did she actually do?” says a lesbian.

“I have no fucking clue.

I came onto her like two times and each time she was either completely weirded out and just left or she was really confusing and probably patronizing and she once told me that she wasn’t homosexual and that she was completely creeped out by me and she said it completely seriously and I lied to her. I just completely lied to her. I may have lied to myself first but I definitely lied to her as well. OK?” says Maggie.

“I don’t understand what you mean by lied. How did you lie to her? How did you betray her? You were in love with her and you told her that you weren’t and so you broke her heart!?” says Bobby.

“No I told her that I wasn’t homosexual at all and then I said, ‘I completely understand it’s OK! I’m not homosexual at all!’ which was a lie but it was also also some way that I was trying to use to try to communicate to her that I understood that she was in love, but that it was just like moving too fast or that it meant something and that like we couldn’t be together because it was just too weird but then I also lied to her and was like no it’s not anything it’s not anything at all, so I think I was trying to sort of cover my bases where it’s like if I wasn’t talking to someone who is homosexual then it’s OK and if I was talking to homosexual, then she know that like I understood her and I understood that like it wasn’t really moving at the pace that she wanted it to move out or something like that.” says Maggie.

“Well just ignored the part where you said, It’s OK I understand.’ I had no fucking clue what you were talking about so I just thought, ‘I don’t know what she’s talking about who gives a shit!? People say stupid stuff like that all the time and I’ve never been able to figure out what the hell they’re even saying.’ …I’m not autistic, I’m not stupid, but I may be ditzy. I also think people assume far too much about me and I’ve never been loved. …So I guess basically I just had no idea! And so when you said, ‘Oh, no I’m not!’ I might’ve had some passing thought that you were trying to tell me something coded but I just thought, ‘No! She’s probably trying to tell me that she’s straight but she has no idea what she’s talking about, or I’m mistaken, and I’m just off in my perception.’” says Lacey. 

“So I was actually making you uncomfortable and you felt sexually harassed by me!?” says Maggie.

“What the fuck did you think I was saying to you!? Those were my exact words, practically!” yells Lacey.

“I am not that kind of person though! I’m a really good person!” yells Maggie.

“Then why didn’t you take her seriously when she told you that you were freaking her out?” says Katie.

“Because I didn’t want to think she was in a higher class than me or that she was a smarter person or that she was just sweet. I wanted to think she was in love with me and that I was better than her.” says Maggie. 

“Alright well, I was saying no.” says Lacey.

“Did you know whether or not you were straight?” says Maggie.

“No I was terrified that I was a lesbian. It was a horrific thought to me.” says Lacey.

“I read that and then I assumed that maybe we had a shot.” says Maggie.

“But I told you that I was uncomfortable and that you were bothering me.” says Lacey.

“You seemed angry! But don’t get angry! You don’t get angry! You’re not an angry person!” says Maggie.

“No that was real anger. I was prepared to kill you if I had to, you don’t understand me worth shit potentially, Maggie.” says Lacey.

“Why would you have to kill me?” says Maggie.

“Because you seemed potentially violent and I don’t like being pushed around by anybody.” says Lacey.

“OK.” says Maggie.

“Conversion Therapy. …I was trying to fix you. I was trying to make you get sober. I’m sorry I was ever nice to you. I’m sorry I joined the paint crew that summer. I shouldn’t have gone to that school. That was a huge mistake. I am serious! …And actually I don’t think I had anything to do with the way that you almost died. Yes I had nothing to do with that! So don’t pay that you idiotic disgusting being if that’s all you are. You’re so presumptuous you jackass! You are! …You are! You and your your mother and your father are all such bitches. …You’re such arrogant bitches. I thought you were an actual friend…I didn’t realize that you were just some sort of conniving horny toad. I don’t look like a lesbian Maggie and that’s the other thing I almost think you thought I was because you were so threatened by me. Why can’t you just love me as a person!? That’s what I was mostly trying to do and I guess that’s just too complex and highfalutin for you and your little Irish bitch genes or what?” says Lacey.

“You know I resent the fact that you were trying to perform Conversion Therapy on me, but I am curious as to what it is you thought you were doing.” says Maggie.

“FYI we’ve been through all of this before with Maggie but Bobby Kennedy Junior has a hard time accepting that Lacey is straight and he isn’t possibly and that she’s a good person and that he just lies and pretends like he is and so we’re back here again.” says an actress.

“I was trying to play golf with you with the idea of sort of desexualizing it umm…and just playing golf umm…so the idea was that we were going to play golf and you wrapped your arms around me and you were trying to sort of teach me how to play and I thought, ‘I’m going to ignore that…because I am going to explain to this woman in my own gentle loving way that that’s not what we’re doing. We’re just playing golf.’” says Lacey.

“OK but I said, ‘Just imagine I am your boyfriend.’” says Maggie.

“Yes…but I was just doing it for charity, and I was trying to be kind and loving and I imagined that because it wasn’t going too far you were really just wrapping your arms around me…umm…that that wasn’t…umm…you know it wasn’t really particularly sexual.” says Lacey.

“Would men ever do that to you now Lacey?” she says, viciously.

“Wow…you’re a bitch! Umm…yes, they would do that!” says Lacey. 

“Do you have a sense of humor Maggie or are you just really good at pretending like you do. Kind of like Jack was?” says Lem.

“Maybe I don’t have as much of a sense of humor as I pretended to.” says Maggie.

“OK well I think it’s sort of funny. No I lacked sexual awareness of other people but you were about to say that I was ugly? I wasn’t ugly Maggie. I was extremely sexy and attractive. Why did you wrap your arms around me and say, ‘Pretend I am your boyfriend!’ unless if you found me attractive?” says Lacey.

“You were ugly and retarded. I had a dream that your father thought you were so ugly and retarded. He was going to abort you and I told you that remember!?” says Maggie.

“Yes, I do recall that! Ha, ha! Yeah…no, so I think you’ve imagined a love affair between us that didn’t exist and unfortunately I don’t think you understand that some people are not quite who you think they are. …I’m not a mean person, Maggie, I’m really not, but I do have ESPN in my boobs if you know what I mean sweetie. I’m a ditz! I’m not stupid. I’m actually a genius most likely but I am unusually intelligent in some way regardless yes, but I’m at least unusually intelligent in some way! Most likely! I mean I just can’t quite believe that I’m not, and as far as I can tell, I am a genius to some degree but I am I am a ditz. I am a ditz. I’m not stupid, I’m a ditz. Do you understand the concept of a ditz sweetie or are you too bitter about the fact that I wasn’t in love with you and you made a total fucking ass of yourself to yourself?” says Lacey.

“And what the hell did you think I was doing?” says Maggie. “And FYI if there is reincarnation, she thinks I’m just some dumb Irish bitch from the gutter who’s angry about Ireland and she doesn’t hate me, but she thinks I am sort of a wayward troll.” says Maggie.

“What the hell is that about?” says a Christian.

“I can’t tell whether or not I’m being told stuff, or if I am actually experiencing some sort of memory but if I am experiencing a memory and I’m not just being given a memory in that regard, and it is hard to tell in a particular sort of way then I was under the impression that a lot of Irish people could be really quite evil and you can’t trust them. Lem may have wanted to help them but I as a Scottish person knew that it wasn’t quite that simple. No they were actually becoming somewhat deeply evil. And so there were some Irish people who you could have conversations with and try to help, but there were a decent number of Irish people who were just angry bitter peasants, who had real darkness in their hearts and that you if you talked to them, you’d get stabbed or something like that and so you might want to hold them if they were children or you might want to, you know, pray for them if they were struggling but you wouldn’t be able to just walk up to them on the street and start talking to them, because they were not capable of handling that sort of closeness. They would just take advantage of it and so that’s what I was thinking she was.” says Lacey.

“So who are these people then?” says an Irish woman.

“ no excellent question displaced landowners people who had runoff to Dublin, who were very poor people who were suffering. Some of them had already had. Some of them were displaced landowners some of them were probably people who have lived in Ireland and Dublin and we’re just angry about what was happening or angry about themselves and it was so tempting to try to help them but I just knew if there’s reincarnation, I just knew that they were dangerous as could be if they were really were not people you could just walk up to you, have a conversation with, and expected to go particularly well, because I knew that they would probably try to stab you or steal you or curse you or something because I probably I tried talking to them on occasion and die if there’s been carnation, I’d probably try talking to them and I think one of them might have said something to me along the lines of like kind of like you’re lucky you’re Scottish or something like that sort of like are you a good Scott’s woman or bad Scott’s up in sort of like what makes you tech and I took too long to answer and so they probably assumed that I was good and you know maybe I was maybe I wasn’t but they were not. They were not friendly people you couldn’t just walk up to them and have a blind conversation, they were really very vicious and really mean how does that not make sense if you think about it even if that’s even if I wasn’t there this could’ve this could be true, because they were obviously very angry and so know that the people that had lived on the land will probably well yet homeless and living in Dublin and so they didn’t seem like poor people. Necessarily, they seemed probably somewhat educated or somewhat intelligent and then they were just incredibly angry, incredibly angry and yet lame if there’s reincarnations probably had tried talking to them or I I don’t see it I think I did I know what I think. I tried talking to them and he was more cautious but then I don’t think if there’s reincarnation that he fully heard my argument, I don’t think he completely understood what I was trying to explain to him because I think he thought that you couldn’t talk to them, but that if you did, somehow they’d open up to you and love with abound and everything would be great and I thought it was the opposite that they would actually be meaner to you and I still think that I think that you can’t really trust the Irish and you know what I don’t. It’s weird it’s like I know that there maybe not pure evil necessarily, but I would not. I would not trust them. I might trust them now in some weird way, but it’s like I wouldn’t trust him at the same time I think he thought they were better people than I did. I think he thought they were somehow Catholic and sweet or something like that maybe I’m wrong but I think he might’ve thought they were Catholic and sweet and joyful and I thought that they were sort of kind of like the Indians that they had like a lot of deities and there was witchcraft and that they were probably not the safest people to get into a fight with, but that they were certainly not people to just cozy enough to especially if they were in a crisis they just didn’t seem like people to get into a real close you know intimate tightknit relationship with if they were you know really troubled and it was something like that. I know he was straight and I don’t think he betrayed me after all, but but I am, I don’t even know if there’s been Carnation this could just be coming to me out of nowhere, but if there is the no, I think we had a sort of misunderstanding potentially or there wasn’t one and then someone invented one I don’t know.

Him know he does the thing you know he may have been way too trusting of them. I have some impression of them that was basically just nonsense and which is sad.

And what did I think she was doing? I thought she was I thought that him OK I had several theories, but one of them was that she was a drug addict that’s some hoe and that’s some hoe that somehow shit that’s so much she had him that she was under the influence that she was under the influence of some sort of drug. And that maybe I was paranoid. I was terrified that I was a homosexual and I wasn’t one. I’m not one, but I was really worried that I was so I thought maybe I was one that she had somehow been very intuitive and sensitive and sort of been influenced by the idea on an artistic level And then that she had sort of you know in her inebriated state gotten the idea that she should come on to me which is actually not completely crazy but no I was it was that was sort of that. She was somehow. Hi you know then, so she was drunk and high and you know, somehow being drunk and high, that she was somehow Just extremely sensitive to the moment, and that she had sort of come on to me as a sort of inebriated idea.” says Lacey.

“ that’s not the way that I did it though.” says Maggie.

“ I didn’t know the difference necessarily or I just ignored it.” says Lacey.

“ why would you ignore that subtle signal?” says Maggie.

“ it was too subtle, possibly it was too subtle for me, but also possibly because I picked up on subtle signals with other people, and then they lie to me and tell me that I was crazy.” says Lacey.

“ and if there is reincarnation, this is a sore spot for the Irish people because the Scottish people are possibly very intuitive and they controlled us by fooling you people into thinking you were crazy.” says Maggie.

“ this interesting but no I definitely thought I was crazy potentially but not for certain not for certain but but you know you don’t want to offend people, inappropriately, and so yes, I didn’t want to offend you or anyone else, so I just assumed you know until things became more obvious just assume someone’s not interested.” says Lacey.

“ how many guys hurt you with that?” says Maggie.

“ oh, no, I mean, probably over a dozen before I even knew who you were before I even met you.” says Lacey.

“ so I have a tractive to you and you’re not attracted to women. What if I was a guy?” says Maggie.

“ if you were a guy, I probably would’ve found you attractive but you weren’t a guy you were a woman.” says Lacey.

“ you know truthfully, if I was actually a man and I’m trans if I would just prefer to be a man in heaven, I’m still angry because I’m so confused about why you wouldn’t know.” says Maggie.

“ because it’s just so out of the blue.” says Lacey.

“ no it’s not out of the blue ice set the entire thing up for us to go golfing you were supposed to know that that was lesbian.” says Maggie.

“ yeah but you know it wasn’t necessarily to me, sir no, I would’ve found you attractive you look somewhat like Joe, but you’re blonder no you would if you would’ve been my type if you were mad as a person but but you were you were still into drugs, and that was very disturbing obviously and I don’t think you fully understood how feminine I actually am, and then I’m a bit a bit more dainty than your rough matter would allow like I didn’t understand what you were doing, which is actually sort of a mark of refinement and tolerance and concern for other people and I’m sorry that bothers you but that’s probably probably just who I am.” says Lacey.

“ you know you were a lot better at golf than I thought you were going to be and it did irritate me.” says Maggie.

“ why is that so annoying to you if you were on a date with me in your mind?” says Lacey.

“Because I’m a dog!” says Maggie.

“Well that’s between you and God then.” says Lacey.

“ You know you’re very self-righteous person a lot of people like you are. Why didn’t you read her cues that she wasn’t attracted to you?” says Lem.

“because I assumed I assumed that she was a jerk.” says Maggie.

“ a jerk. She’s a feminine straight woman you’re describing a man who is a jerk! That doesn’t even make any sense Maggie.” says Lem.

“ oh, I think we a lot of us did!” says Messiah College.

“You know she’s obviously not though, so why did you think she was?” says a UND history professor.

“ because they don’t do their homework.” says Jim Craft trying to be funny.

“ oh, that was so so that was a really good joke Jim.” says Barbara Streisand.

“So I don’t think you guys understood. Why did you think she was a jerk?” says the UND history professor.

“Because she was so sexy!” says Messiah College.

“That’s just her being Scandinavian to some degree. She is! But…there are also a lot of blondes at UND. Or there was back then. So…it was not…weird.” says UND.

“Yeah why are Americans like that? Why do we have no freaking clue what’s going on in other parts of the world or other parts of our country?” says a Black man.

“Alright well Maggie the point of this post was just sort of make fun of myself because I think I gave you the wrong idea. You know the irony, though is if you had been a man I wouldn’t be surprised if you would’ve never even noticed me.” says Lacey.

“That is not true!” says Maggie. “There is no reason for that! You’re not unfeminine!” 

“But for whatever reason, even if we found her attractive, we didn’t really ever notice her. It’s just the way it is. I don’t think you would’ve. I really don’t.” says Michael, who was a philosophy student.

“Why didn’t we notice her?” says Louis.

“Because she was just so plain looking!” says a man

“She was modest and violently sexually oppressed by her psychopathic parents, but let’s see what you think if she wears the clothes that you wanted her to wear. Take a look at her now.” says God.

“Hey…I mean she looks hotter than I thought she was gonna look and that’s not even like that much make-up or any plastic surgery. No it’s just the clothes that I thought she should wear and the make-up I thought she should have. What do I think? I mean oh my God it’s like I’m gonna puke. She’s so extraordinarily sexy and attractive!” says a Millennial man.

“What is it that you wanted from her then. Some sort of combination?” says God.

“So let’s do a combination and see what you think!” says Prince William, rolling his eyes.

“I mean I don’t like that.” he says.

“Are you attracted to all of them?” says God.

“Yes!” he says.

“So then what bothers you?” says God.

“I don’t know what his problem is but I’m losing interest. Lacey what was the Conversion Therapy you were trying to do to my daughter?” asks Maggie’s mom.

“The idea… was that I was going to mother her, so I thought that you were probably a shit mother, and that you fucked her up psychologically, so I was going to help her by sort of being there for her in a more loving maternal way.” says Lacey.

“So that is very much a premise of conversion therapy that lesbians are damaged by their mothers and homosexual men are damaged by their fathers because of lack of love. So I’m guessing-I’m guessing that that’s probably where Lacey came up with that idea.” says an Englishman.

“So I don’t really understand but it seems like you people don’t get the joke.” says Lacey.

“The joke is that she’s a ditz, Maggie.” says Lem.

“I don’t get why that’s funny.” says Maggie.

“Well it’s funny to some people. I think it’s funny because I’m so serious and studious and intense but at the end of the day I sometimes come with totally psychotic ideas that aren’t really actually psychotic. They’re actually possibly brilliant, but there’s an element of sort of humor in them.” says Lacey.

“I’ve made fun of you.” says Maggie to Lacey.

“Was the joke that I was a raging lesbian, who was madly in love with you, and I was just an idiot?” says Lacey, mocking Maggie.

“YES!” says Maggie like she’s God.

“Well I was straight and a ditz and you could’ve made jokes about me, but you had the wrong joke.” says Lacey. “And frankly, I kind of wonder if you’re a little bit of a rapist weirdo.” 

“I might’ve even bragged of having a sexual conquest with you that never even happened because I am such a worthless fuck…and honestly I am curious to know if anyone ever believed that or if they just thought I was psychotic.” says Maggie.

“The Illuminati believed you, and we’ve been torturing her and starting wars because of it Maggie!” says Katy Perry. “We are so jaded towards people like her, that we just assumed that you the lesbian were automatically the Godly person.” 

“Yeah you were part of the reason I’ve hated her so much because you really do bullshit and we didn’t realize you had either personality disorder or that you are a really evil-hearted person.” says Chris Hayes to Maggie Lake.

“Yes!” says Louis.

“No, I mean we never had any sexual contact. I probably sexually assaulted her if anything.” says Maggie Lake.

“What the fuck made you think that she was attracted to you?” says Chris Hayes.

“Why the hell did you people go on such a self-righteous rampage again some random person?” says a reader

“For personal reasons! Diego-boredom, existential fear. Stuff like that, I’ll say for now.” says Diego.

“ I just got the sense that she was like…into me??” says Maggie.

“Didn’t she flirt?” says Chris.

“Ahh…not sure.” says Maggie.

“Mm. That might have been flirting.” says Chris.

“What was it?” asks Maggie.

“She was humoring you.” says Tsar Putin.

“Why!?” says Maggie.

“Because you’re funny. Or she thought you were. And she was trying to discern her orientation. And…I don’t think she thought it would matter.” says another Katie.

“Oh!” says Maggie.

“So! What does your ‘Oh!’ mean!??” says Lem.

“She’s not pretty.” says Maggie.

“EXCEPT SHE’S WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE!” says Lem. “GROW-UP!”

“I hate that she’s such a straight woman! So cute! Aww!!” says Maggie, mocking her.

“So…you have no concern for her humanity at all!??” says Lem.

“Mmm. …No.” says Maggie.

“Right. …You know if you did…you’d understand what happened.” says Lem.

“What happened?” asks Maggie.

“Why do you want to know?” asks Lem.

“To harm that KIKE breeder. She’s so hateful and bigoted. BITCH!” says Maggie.

“She sounds like me.” says the PA shooter, Matt. …”Maggie…that’s your imagination. Not reality.”

“I lie. I tell people bad things about my family and friends. Things that never happened.” says Maggie. “I’ve done it for years. It’s a mental illness I have.”

“YUP! And Lacey has tried to tell the Illuminati that for years.” says Matt, the shooter.

“My parents tend to be in denial about all of my problems. They apparently still are.” says Maggie. “WOAH!”

“She’s mentally-ill.” says Matt the shooter. “I mean Maggie.”

“So…?” says Lem to Maggie.

“I don’t like…feeling…stupid.” says Maggie.

“Maggie you’re never going to understand…until you empathize!” says Lem.

“So she’s a ditz!?” says Maggie.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Okay. So…she felt… She believed she was ugly?” says Maggie.

“No. She’s…not that…certain. So…she knows she’s extremely beautiful. But she also doesn’t. It’s so damn simple Maggie. She can look in the mirror. But…people’s opinions still should matter. That’s normal!!! …So…your opinion and everyone else’s opinion mattered. And still matters.” says Lem.

Later.

“I don’t care! I just don’t care.” says Maggie.

“THEN GET OVER HER!!!! YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!!!” yells Lem.

“I just…don’t…GET IT!!” says Maggie.

“GROW A BRAIN!!!” yells Lacey.

“Okay…HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT BE ATTRACTED TO ME…AND THEN…ACT SO…SEXUAL!?” she says.

“Is it sexual?” says Lacey.

“It is to me!” says Maggie.

“Let’s keep going.” says Lacey.

“Okay. But it’s sexual to me.” says Maggie.

“Well to me…it’s like going to a Christmas concert.” says Lacey.

“The emotional state? The emotional state you’re in is like going to a Christmas concert?” says Maggie.

“YES! …It’s merry and cheerful. Not necessarily sexual.” says Lacey.

“I’m not usually like this.” says Maggie.

Lacey thinks. “I thought that was just your personality.” says Lacey.

“NO!! That was me in love.” says Maggie.

“Oh. No. I thought that was just your personality.” says Lacey.

“NO!! That’s me in love.” says Maggie.

Lacey looks disturbed. “I thought I was giving you effective Conversion Therapy….possibly.”

“Ha!! NO!!!” yells Maggie.

“Dammit!” says Lacey. “So I wasn’t helping you?”

“Mm…no.” says Maggie.

“I thought I’d had a positive impact on your life.” says Lacey.

“No. You did!” she says. “I realized I was homosexual.”

“Why didn’t you know that!? You had so many female friends!” says Lacey.

“Do you think I was sleeping with them all?” asks Maggie.

“Mm…almost.” says Lacey.

Maggie laughs. “I was.”

“Literally!!??” says Lacey.

“No. …Close.” she says.

“HOW DID THEY NOT NOTICE!?” says Lacey.

“What do you mean?” asks Maggie.

“Right now you’re reminding me of a lot of men. I can there’s one woman in particular, who I can easily see in my head she had glasses. She was kind of tall, dark hair, but she was super like feminine, and yet not, and kind of polished looking she seemed kind of. She seemed very sort of professional, and well bred or rich or something, and she definitely had the vibe of somebody who was straight. And I know she would have stopped me ship. She was the sort of woman who would’ve treated me like absolute fucking shit if I’d seen her on her own. But when we were together, it’s three of us she was nice to me, and it was absolutely baffling to me. I couldn’t figure out where the hell everyone was being so nice to be around you. So it’s not just that you might’ve told people that we were together and we were not together but I was humoring you in a way and I’m sorry, but obviously I’ve never done it since I never did it before that and honestly it was a very bizarre experience, but it was interesting because I don’t think that was even what it was. I just I can’t stand these women there like this Maggie because they’re so fake. I mean they’re obviously closeted, bisexual or lesbian, but they are so violently heterosexual and snobby so freaking snobby there impossible to be friends with.

And then you had all of them amuse me slightly. You had all of them just buzzing around you like you were a flower and they were beers and they were just thrilled to be in your presence and I could never figure it out because I thought why is everyone so cheerful around her because I’m not a lesbian I’m not attracted to women and end for me it wasn’t real at all for me. It just wasn’t real. I just thought no you know I’m I’m straight dick, but they went full throttle whether it was real or not for them they went full throttle. So you’re eat you’re either very evil and you’re tricking straight people into thinking that they’re gay or they really were bisexual and it was sort of disturbing because there were so freaking many of them it’s like why are they here? How the fuck does this make sense? I’m sorry for swearing, and I think that’s what irritates me though but you because you’re blaming me For you becoming a lesbian or some stupid shit like that that’s just what you are if I did something to you I sure as hell did not mean to you. Yes I didn’t mean to an honestly I don’t even think that’s possible. I think that’s sick that you would accuse me of that potentially. Amy is out your family thought I’m straight, and that just by being my friend or pretending to be my friend that you suddenly had become a lesbian that is so backward that is so disgusting.

And I just I can’t figure out. I cannot quite figure this out because whether it’s allowed in heaven, or not, Mickey, you are lesbian or bisexual or something or you’re a transsexual man and then you’re straight, but I I don’t transgender woman rather in your state or transgender man rather in your straight Arm so I don’t quite understand it. How did you not understand that you were a lesbian when there were like was jazzy or something and I mean never so there’s a woman named jazzy or Jade or some thing and then they were like other women to you, and you were friends with all of these women And they just loved you. I remember asking you how did you become so popular and you told me it was the drugs you said I do drugs and it makes people like me. I don’t think that’s what happened. I don’t think people just fall you know, however heels for drug attic’s I think there was something you were doing that was charming to certain people and that might’ve been slightly evil but I also wonder if there were a lot of bisexual people who thought you were fantastic and I don’t quite understand how you would not realize that you were attracted to all of these people.” says Lacey.

“ that’s a very good point. Actually, she did have an exorbitant number of female friends.” says her father.

“ oh, some girls can be very popular, but that’s not quite what I’m saying it wasn’t just like popularity it was it was like everywhere we went. There were all these smiling women who come up to her and just be fighting over her like oh hi Maggie hi and they’re always laughing. They’re always laughing, some thing was always very funny very charming. Just some thing was delightful. I don’t know what it was, but it was just delightful to everybody apparently. and it was just like oh my gosh Magis here everything‘s all right everything is jolly and I thought well that’s a Lubin CTH You’re Pierce but I guess you know we care about Maggie and end and her mental health issues and her drug addiction, because I was very concerned about you I was trying to parent you so I was trying to parent you for the most part and I thought my gosh this woman cares about don’t know why, but it’s awfully nice. It’s a little much at times but I’m going to try to help her kick her drug habit. I’m going to use all of that immense concert this shit that’s for me to really help her be a better person. No the thing is, I’m not attracted to women so you would have all these women around and I was thinking oh you know that’s a little weird but then because I’m not attracted to women I would very quickly think oh well that’s OK you know I guess it’s not a problem There’s nothing wrong with that. I suppose it’s just it was a little weird at first, but it’s very there’s a very peculiar singular experience, because if I was not attracted to you or women in general, and so the initial very initial spark of jealousy was there, but then it was just totally disappear almost instantly because I’m not there was nothing for it to stick on and so and so it’s like oh this is weird, but not really Because it left a very weird sort of psychological state for me because I thought oh what is going on in our all his people supposed to be my friend or or what are we doing? Just standing here why are we all just here? What are we all talking about the zoom in or just smiling? It’s very bizarre And I have to say there were quite a few of those women so again I have to ask how did you not know? How did you not know you were such a player almost make you had how many girls did you even Buzzing around you?” says Lacey.

“ oh, probably eight or nine! There were probably eight or nine women.” says Maggie.

“Then why did you not know!?” says Lacey.

“I wasn’t in love with any of them.” says Maggie.

“WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD THAT MAKE!?” says Lacey.

“I’m not demi sexual. But…I am…less attracted to you than I ever was. Umm…they just weren’t exciting. They were…suck cock suckers.” she says.

“But Maggie…something happened. You couldn’t have been that blind.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Okay. I was a jerk. …You knew I was homosexual though right?” says Maggie.

“No. Yes and no.” says Lacey.

“So…you saw my possible latent homosexuality…as treatable potentially with experimental Conversion Therapy.” says Maggie.

“YES!” says Lacey.

“You’re being sexual.” she says.

“NO! I’m definitely not.” says Lacey.

“So you mean actual Conversion Therapy nothing sexual?” says Maggie.

“DUH!!!!” bellows Lem, losing his patience.

“Yes. OF COURSE I DID. WOW!!!!” says Lacey.

“So…what did you do?” says Maggie, crying.

“I’ve already told you. …I tried to mother you! …Possibly as a sister-figure. …And I tried to…encourage feminine dress. And feminine…identity. Increase your self-esteem.” says Lacey.

“But you talked to me…so…kindly when I was…feeling sexually intimate.” says Maggie.

“I didn’t think it mattered.” says Lacey.

“Because it was just my feelings.” says Maggie.

“YES! YOUR FEELINGS YOUR PROBLEM!” says Lacey.

“Lacey…that’s MEAN!” says Maggie.

“Well…you were fun! I liked playing golf.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. But I was so…giddy.” says Maggie.

“I just…thought it would…go away. Like a…passing, fleeting emotional response to…confusion. You know? Just…nothing.” says Lacey. “I wouldn’t have imagined we’d necessarily be friends. But I thought it would be nice.”

“So you genuinely keep expecting me to be so SOOO over it?? Like…it really barely even happened?” says Maggie.

“Yes. Yes.” says Lacey. “Yes, indeed.”

“So you just…are straight. …And…you have no idea what effect you have on people. AT ALL!!” says Maggie.

“What happened?” says Lacey.

“I fell in love!” says Maggie.

“CONGRATULATIONS!! WHAT HAPPENED!!??” yells Lem, losing his temper.

“Ahh…I guess…I imagined us living together?!?” says Maggie.

“OH FUCK!!!” yells JFK, in terror.

“Oh dear…you didn’t!?” says Lacey.

Maggie blinks and cries.

“What gave you that idea!?” says Lacey.

“Oh no! It’s just…what a person does.” says Maggie.

“Mmm. I did. Until my heart was smashed into pieces too much. …People told me it was offensive.” says Lacey. “I’m sorry. That’s an awful lot of analysis.”

“Yes.” says Maggie. She cries.

“I’m sorry I tried to mother you. I was trying to fix the mother wounds that homosexual women supposedly have. I’m sorry…” says Lacey.

“You were very caring.” says Maggie.

“Yes. I really tried.” says Lacey.

“I assumed it was sexual. But…it did feel cold.” says Maggie. “Not cold as a mom. Like…cold as a lover.”

Lacey smiles kindly.

“I’m not your mother.” says Maggie.

“Okay????” says Lacey, confused.

“I really thought I was better than her…” she murmurs.

“So! What else did you do? This love you claim exists? Or was it just a stupid thing you overinflated out of spite and jealousy?” says Lacey.

“I thought we were good friends.” she says.

“Oh! Like…super close?” says Lacey.

“YEAH!” says Maggie.

“We were not. Not for me. But Becca was possibly bisexual. I thought she was straight and safe to be close to. But she was possibly bisexual.” says Lacey.

“Ouch, Karrie.” Maggie says.

“NO!! HER NAME IS LACEY!!!” bellows Lem, ready to rip off Maggie’s head.

“Thank you, Lem.” says Lacey. “‘Ouch?’”

“SHE HURT ME!” says Maggie.

“Who!?” says Lacey.

“You!!” yells Maggie.

“With the comment I just made about Becca?” asks Lacey.

“NO!! You stupid bitch. This is my show! In my head!!” yells Maggie.

“Ahh…Maggie…what are you referring to?” says Lacey.

“You!!” yells Maggie.

“That’s gibberish.” says Lacey. “Maggie. Becca was the bisexual. Possibly. Not me.”

“She hated me.” says Maggie.

“Yeah! It was odd. …But I thought it had something to do with your drug addiction.” says Lacey.

Maggie laughs. “No. I think…she was confused…in the same way I was.”

“YEAH! I’m not attracted to women Maggie.” says Lacey.

“We got SO carried away.” says Maggie.

“Maggie…how exactly do you expect women to be friends? See…you don’t seem to relate. She really is capable of being friends in a way you aren’t.” says one of Maggie’s “friends.”

“Why was I ever friends with her? DAMMIT!” says Maggie.

“Yeah.” says Lacey

“Goodnight!” says Lem.

Let’s imagine if JFK actually was a woman.

Let’s call her Gladys Parnell.

This is what Gladys wishes she looked like:

Not quite Lacey. No. This.

And in reality…this is how straight Lem is if Jack Kennedy was a woman named Gladys:

Whether there’s homosexuality in Heaven or not…this man…is not what we would call a clear heterosexual. But see…Gladys..the female version of Jack Kennedy…can’t quite let it go. No! SHE BELIEVES…that “SHE DONE FOUND A REAL GOOD MAN!”

“It wasn’t a Parnell Presidency this year!” says a gay man.

“Nope.” says Lem. “The Parnells lost.”

Where did Gladys Parnell grow-up?

“That’s ME HOUSE!” she says, thinking she’s being hilarious.

“WE LOVE GLADYS!!” says this man

“Oh my gosh! I love her! You guys!!!” says Ken.

“Ken…do you come from a super repressive Asian family?” asks a man.

“No!” says Ken. “Not at….ALL.”

“No!! They’re real nice folk!” say Gladys.

Ken cries. Blinks. His large, soft, lip-glossed lips pucker…as tear drops fall down his immaculately cared for face.

“What’s wrong?” asks a gay man, who’s oddly unconcerned with Ken’s welfare.

Ken tries to act straight. “AHH…nothing. I’m just…struggling.” he says.

“With what!??” says the gay man.

“MY LIFE!” he says, weeping beautifully but with restraint. He bats his eyelashes. Opens his mouth a bit. Waits desperately for help. Waits for someone to catch on. Waits for someone to care.

“Oh my GOD! Your life is so fucking great!” says a living gay man. “YOU ARE…THE PARNELL FACE! YOU ARE MR. Parnell.”

“That’s NOT MY LAST NAME!” he says, in a flamboyant manner.

“NO! It so IS!!!” yell the gay men.

“OH MY GOD!!! IT IS NOT!!!” he says nervously.

Boom Boom by Britney Spears plays.

Ken hears and starts dancing.

“OH! You wanna see ma ASS!??” says Gladys.

Ken smiles sweetly, as an Asian gay man who’s trying to be kind.

“ALRIGHT! WATCH!!!” says Gladys. She grabs a vacuum cleaner and tries to make it look sexy.

“I got the boom boom broom!” says Gladys, trying to sexy

“Oh my GOD!” says America. “YOU’RE RICH!”

Toxic by Britney Spears plays.

“Yup. We’re really rich.” says Ken. Gladys shoves him in a Mercedes.

She drives off at lightning speed. Ken raises his arms in the air. Screaming. “WOOHOO!!”

“Ken looks happy?” says America.

Gladys gives Ken “football lessons.”

Outrageous by Britney Spears plays as Ken is given “football lessons” by this guy:

“Oh my GOD! If Ken was gay…he’d have been totally sleeping with that man!!” says America.

“Yeah! Ken is straight.” says Gladys.

“That is…MY SAXY brother BEN!!! He’s the SEXIEST MAN IN MY ENTIRE FAMILY!!” says Gladys. “He got a sex drive…and sexual magnetism LIKE ME!”

“No. He’s very sexy!!” says Ken, flirting with Ben very slightly.

“Ken…do you…get out much?” asks MSNBC.

Ken shakes his head no. He smiles. Laughs a straight man laugh. Slaps his knee.

“He’s a knee-slapper. Just like my whole dang family!” says Gladys.

40 years later:

“Since discovering that some people decide to stay in bad situations…even within the context of MARRIAGE…we’re now fairly sure Ken was staying with Gladys entirely on his own terms. He was probably…happy.

And he was DEFINITELY STRAIGHT!!” says America on Wikipedia in the 2000’s.

“I can definitely confirm he was straight and happy!” says this man

“There are rumors that this man was sleeping with Gladys.” says Lem.

“HE WAS NOT!!” says Gladys.

“No sure was not!” says Gladys’s brother, Frank.

“Okay! SO YOU CAN GUARANTEE HE WAS STRAIGHT!!??” says Wikipedia.

“YUP!!!” says this man:

“Okay! Cool!” says Wikipedia.

“Damn! He sexy.” says an attractive woman.

“You wanna dance!?” says a woman with large fake boobs, to Ken.

Ken cries. Controls himself. He’s put in public a lot. Photographed frequently.

“I’ll dance!” he says, trying to enjoy dancing.

She laughs.

He laughs too.

He lip-synchs.

They dance.

The song ends.

He claps.

Snooze by SZA plays.

The woman tries to slow dance with Ken. He tries it. Briefly. But it looks awkward.

“You’re so sweet!” the woman says to Ken.

He gives a toothy, sweet smile. “AWW!” he says.

“WHATCHU DOING!?” says Gladys intruding.

Baddest In The Room by Fridayy plays.

Gladys tries to twerk. It’s hilarious but we aren’t supposed to think that. The other woman is escorted off. Ken seems relieved.

Gladys’s husband:

“Isn’t he dreamy!?” says America.

“One time it got really awkward with her husband because Gladys had a habit of hanging-out with lots of women and she left her husband Lars and I home alone a lot together.” says Ken.

“What happened?” asks Louis Bayard.

“ how am I used to listen to books on tape? Well I net I developed a knitting habit and a lot of other habits are being Gladys’s best friend we weren’t really married. This was her actual legal husband, Lars, but one time I was listening to a book on tape with Lars Shakespeare actually and I was knitting a scarf for Lars just for fun. I need scarves for everyone in the family and Lars looked at me and he said my neck is cold. Could you please put that around my neck and so I put it around his neck and he said Ken he grabbed my hands and he said Ken sometimes I wonder how much I need you to and I said Gladys is going to come home tonight Lars I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.” says Ken.

“ what was what was Gladys doing with all of her female friends?” says a reader.

“ she had a tendency to do explorations with them and I didn’t give a shit because it got her completely out of my hair. I hate Gladys I hate Gladys she’s a horrible bitch and I make really good scarves now!” says Ken.

“ so you’re you’re you’re straight man!?” yells the DNC.

“ no, I was gay I am gay I was not in love with worse he was annoying. I might’ve been slightly attracted to him, but not very much.” says Ken.

“ so you are a straight man Ken!?” says the Parnell family.

“ oh yes, he seems very straight. You seem very straight. I’ve seen lots of people who look exactly like you who are extraordinarily straight.” says Russia to Ken.

“You are so pretty, Ken!” says a gay man.

He smiles kindly. “I’m happy. I’m dead. I’m…actually really happy. …You can have that happiness too in Christ.” he says.

“So…you’re not available?” says a gay man.

“NO. I’m taken.” he says.

“BY GLADYS!?” says America.

“YUP!!” says America to itself. “It’s gotta be GLADYS PARNELL!!”

The Parnell family was known for being philanthropic. Eventually. …For a while in the 1970’s they were known to steal from convenience stores, department stores, and grocery stores, based on the premise that would be paid back by the Parnell Family Foundation. …They usually were. But not always. At times the Parnells forgot to reimburse the stores.

The Parnell Family Foundation was started in 1953 by Edmund Parnell. A man of English, Welsh and German descent. And American. The founder of the Parnell family. He made his money by buying most of Montana. And then selling the property to the US government. It’s unclear how he came to own Montana. But…he owned huge swaths of the state and was often dubbed as, “THE MAN WHO OWNS MONTANA!”

Gladys…his second oldest daughter had a fascination with Asia. She took frequent trips there. And on one excursion she came home with Ken. Ken Lau.

“How did Gladys find Ken?” asks an intellectual.

“I FOUND HIM AT A PARK!” she says. “HE WAS LOOKING FOR A DOG!”

“I loved dogs.” he says.

“Why did you go home with her!??” asks Wikipedia.

“Because…she seemed…like a friend.” says Ken.

“I DID! I’m SEXY!!!” says Gladys.

“What did you do, Gladys?” says a reader.

She disappears momentarily.

“Gladys…what made you so sexy?” says America.

“Ha! Well…if you must know…I ate prunes.” she says laughing, and then becoming sad.

“YOU ATE PRUNES!?!” yells Marsie.

“YEAH!! It ‘‘twas good…for me figure.” says Gladys.

Americans loved her because she was so down to earth and relatable.

Moon River by Henry Mancini plays.

“I was very…sexy.” says Gladys.

She twirls like she’s Joann, Paul Newman’s wife.

“Once…Henry Mancini himself told me that I had purty hair.” says Gladys.

Love Theme from ‘Romeo And Juliet’ by Henry Mancini plays.

She does a dumb dance in imitation of a ballerina.

1:22

“Gladys…are you an adult?” asks Donald Trump.

She thinks. “YES????” she says, nervously. “WE WERE RAISED NORMAL!!!”

The song ends.

“Did you? Huh.” says Donald Trump.

“Yup! I’m a real lady.” says Gladys.

And in fact Gladys was known as a very good woman. She was loved and admired for her supposed beauty, charm and grace.

“GLADYS PARNELL!” says Athalia Ponsell, dreamily.

She won the Miss America contest 12 times. Consecutively. And then she was shot.

“How did Gladys win!??” says Roger Sterling.

“Her daddy bought it for her!” says Don Draper.

“NO! That’s not how. I fucked the entire panel of judges. Every year. I just fucked ‘em!” says Gladys.

Candlelight on Crystal by Henry Mancini plays.

“I helped.” says Ken eating a Blow Pop.

“Ken! What did you do?!” says a gay reader.

“Oh my gosh. No. I didn’t put out myself! …I set the mood.

Proper lighting.

Proper wardrobe.

Music.

Perfume.” says Ken.

“I dazzled ‘em!” says Gladys.

“Best ten seconds of my life!” says a Miss America pageant judge. “It was fine until she got closer to my face. It’s amazing what lighting and wardrobe can do.”

“And smellies!” says Ken.

“You call perfume smellies?” says Wikipedia.

“Yup.” says Ken.

“That’s…kinda…ahh…unique.” says Wikipedia.

“So…Gladys…what did you do get shot?” asks Donald Trump Junior.

“Nothin’!!!” she says.

“They shot her because she WON!” says Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy, trying to laugh at herself.

“I WON EVERY DAMN TIME!!” says Gladys.

“So why did you get shot?” asks a man.

“I got shot…because I was…a cold, difficult, brave woman. …I was assassinated…because I was LOVED. BY MEN!” says Gladys. “I was just too…damn…sexy.”

“Gladys…why do you like your best friend, Ken…so damn much!?” says a gay man.

“LOOK AT HIM!!!” says Gladys. “He’s HOTT!!”

“He is!” says a gay man.

“IS THAT ALL YOU’RE GOING TO SAY!??” says Lacey, panicking.

“I mean…it’s kinda weird.” says Marsie.

“Ken is straight.” says America.

Beyond the Sea plays.

Bobby Darin dances with Ken. And Ken accidentally flirts. Just as he’s twirled around. He opens his mouth wide and pretty like a gay man, just like Lem Billings used to imitate.

“Yeah…I shot Bobby Darin.

I was drunk on whiskey one night and that little sucker drove right into my car and I said, ‘Bobby why the fuck did you drive into my fucking car?’ He said, ‘You little Kike. I’ll shoot your whole fucking family!’ And so I said to him, ‘I’ll do you one better! I’ll shoot you right now!’” says Gladys.

“So you ahh… You shot Bobby Darin for dancing with Ken?” asks an American, doubting the story.

“I never said that. …I sure as hell did say that, but I didn’t say that under oath, is this a story, See…I’m a good storyteller.” says Gladys.

“Gladys where are you bisexual?” asks a woman.

Love Is Blue plays.

“No I was straight! I was extremely straight woman! I slept with tons of men…and that was how I won Miss America every year consecutively for 12 damn years in a row.” says Gladys.

“ oh, I’m just curious about some of your female friends. This is interesting that you didn’t have gay friends but you had female friends a lot of female friends. Yes yes Fred would agree with this blog post apparently so you had female friends who you spent a lot of time with Gladys?” asks a Democrat.

“ yes there was Shirley, Betty, and and Sue and Mary and Agatha and Elizabeth. Elizabeth hated me and I had to get rid of her. She fell off a cliff but we don’t talk about that.

No, I was not friends with Queen Elizabeth refused to acknowledge that bitch that cunt that stupid, fucking Cunt running that country.

No exit and I used to take long excursion. Sometimes we go hiking together we go camping we go shooting for deer and often times Agatha and I would end up at him, making out and sleeping together and having lesbian sex. Whatever that even is who knows what lesbian sex even is right but often times we have lesbian sex when we were hiking Just to stay warm I mean what are you gonna do? It was just about staying warm.” says Gladys.

“ oh, that’s perfectly normal and straight. Let’s not focus on that or we’ll get distracted from the bigger story about Ken.” says America in 1994.

“ gladys, you just told us that you have lesbian sex unless you literally just told us that you had lesbian sex!” says Kevin Spacey.

“ yes I did but that’s not the same thing as being a homosexual music heaven, I did that to stay warm, lots of hikers, who are rich and glamorous, like myself can make mistakes like that as ladies, a lady can make a mistake like that when she’s tired and hungry and confused, lots of hikers, get very confused they go hiking and they start running out of nourishment so I made that mistake simply because I was running low on brain energy.” says Gladys.

“ Gladys king I am actually curious to know more about this, so you’re claiming that you made out with your friend Agatha while you were hiking the two of you alone together where were you when this happened?” asks David Pitts.

“ oh, no, we hope that we hike the Appalachian Trail we hiked several trails in the Cascades one year we hiked the Rockies. We used to hike a lot together very frequently we’d spend whole week sometimes hiking together.” says Gladys.

“ did did your husband Lair snow about that about those hikes?” says NBC.

“ no he didn’t he will he did somewhat can you do something but we kept Larson in the dark for the most part yeah yeah yes no for the most part we kept Larsson the dark he knew you know I don’t even know. I think he might have no one I’m not sure what Lars new sometimes I think Lars went on lots of excursions himself, and just didn’t care, I really don’t entirely know what he knew about how busy I was all the time but he definitely knew that I was busy and I think he knew that I was probably spending a great deal of my time with Agatha but one time Agatha kissed him at a party when she was real drunk and I slapped her and I said how dare you that’s my bad and I I don’t know maybe they were just such good friends that Lawrie is kind of understood that that you have to spend time with Agatha because Agatha is is a Barrow full of laughs and good times just waiting to happen.” says Gladys.

“ where was Ken during all of this?” asks Russia.

“ he frequently knit scarves. He had lots of hobbies he knit scarves. He play the piano he sing sometimes he would sing whole love songs in a high, operatic voice, but that was not something that I really liked and we didn’t encourage it, but auto Kasian he would sing love ballads by himself for a while he lived in New York City and he spent a lot of time getting Asian food you know all the fixings you know that shoots a chop Suey and you know I don’t know what he was doing down there, but he just liked being there he said, but I kept an ion him. I didn’t want him getting away. We were such good friends and I kept a real ion him but he he love to go get the chop Suey in New York and sometimes he would go to the Broadway musicals but you know I never had the sunset he was involved with anyone he just was my friend he didn’t have any other friends and he never got married and he didn’t really do anything he was just my friend that’s all he ever did he didn’t work. He barely ate and slept he he didn’t have a girlfriend he didn’t have a boyfriend he ain’t had no one no friends nothing he was just obsessed with me, he was just completely obsessed with me all the time just his whole world revolves around me every day he did come in to my room and he say Gladys you are the most sexy amazing woman to ever live and we’re gonna kick ass today.” says Gladys.

“ did he ever save your life Gladys?” asks the CIA.

“ yes, he did nets yes, he didn’t have a scarf for me once and I used it. I was visiting a friend and he didn’t think I should go visit her. He was a little jealous. He didn’t think I should go visit her. I think he was incredibly in love with me and jealous, but he said you shouldn’t go walking out there in that snow storm got us you’re going to get sick because it’s winter and you’re going out wearing barely anything so sometimes I used to like we went we we went on lots of excursions together and sometimes I used to go from one cabin to the other wearing nothing but a victim but you know you don’t like what you have now from Victoria’s Secret sort of a lingerie routine I put one of those puppies on at night walk through the snow just to go hang out with friends and my location location I would get a little cold you know a little little hypothermia setting on but on this particular occasion, he was damn sure I was gonna get sick. I’d heard the Clyde had a cold and he said if you go around out there wearing that you’re going to get real sick you’re stressed out you’re tired it’s freezing and you have a cold and he was right. I would’ve gotten bacterial pneumonia and considering that I had no intention of going back home and telling my parents but what I was doing he was the only way I had to live because if I had told my parents what I was doing they would’ve I would’ve been deep deep trouble long as I didn’t tell them what was going on. They didn’t care but I I would’ve had to tell them that I was walking around in my underwear in the snow, so I was walking around in my underwear in the snow and he told me you better go back inside so I did and I didn’t get sick. How do I know I would’ve gotten bacterial pneumonia cause I got a real bad one other time and I know that that was very likely to have killed me that time too.” says Gladys.

“ so you don’t even know for sure if you saved your life that’s just what you think happened?” says a reader.

“ yeah I’m pretty sure he did. It’s just my hypothesis has been backed up by medical science.” she says.

“ let us tell us more about you and Agatha?” says a woman.

“ I met her when I was competing for Miss America. Her family made her do it her real interests were cars and collecting cars. She yeah she was an expert car collector she knew so damn much about cars. So that was her real passion, but we spent some time together, hiking as well and auto Kasian we would make out it’s true kind of like thinking about that. She was a real sweet, real sweet pal she wrote a book about our hikes. 

She called the book, HOTT HIKING! Arms frequently, she frequently refers to that book at dinner parties, when I am present and says, you always kept us warm.” says Gladys.

“ what do you think her husband thinks of that whole thing?” says NBC.

“ I think you I think he understands that Gladys is a real hiker and that there’s nothing is good as good as a hike.” says Gladys.

“ do you care that she’s obviously homosexual and closeted and violent and that poor Ken is being held hostage and that he’s clearly homosexual and may have some sort of psychotic disorder that was given to him by the horrific abuse of the Parnell family or not?” says Lacey.

“ no not really we really just don’t give a shit we don’t care about the American dream we don’t care about America we don’t care about your founding fathers. We don’t care about any of this!” says the real America. Not the “alternate universe” one in this blog post.

“ what do you care about?” asks God of the real, current America.

“ will get back to you on that one!” says the real America.